11-24
great day. amazing dreams. I had the most amazing dreams last night, this morning. I didn't want to wake up. felt like I was in heaven or something. They were all about love and romance and kisses and music. there were two girls with me all night in my dreams, really nice. one was more forward than the other. I couldn’t choose. I wanted to make them both happy.... I didn't want to wake up! really really nice. I even dreamed about going to church and that was even great. It is amazing how dreams can do that to you. Dreamed of happiness, never ending happiness, family, a girlfriend, I had two girls kissing me, one who was softer more elegant and one who was more cool and rocker chick-like, I wanted the rocker one but she was less aggressive, U2 had a new tour called Realology. Which they don't, so if I like the idea in a few days still, I'll take it for us.

And then later in the evening on the bus I met this girl on the subway. Great energy. Out there. great smile. And we are talking on the subway across the aisle. And it was going great, and then out of the blue this lady says to us ‘could you please sit closer if you want to talk. I don't want to hear all of your details...’ and we are like shocked by her behavior. And so then someone says ‘only in New York.’ and then this mad woman turns to me and says ‘I was born and raised in Miami you bastard!’ I was more than shocked. I was like, get me off this subway car before this woman pulls out a gun or something and goes postal on everyone. Everyone just sat there silent and looking at each other raising their eyebrows. Crazy. anyway, she proved my point about Miami. no manners. she was an animal. Anyway, off the train I dashed because we were at my stop and I didn't want to ruffle the feathers of this crazy lady anymore and I never got the number to the girl. But I did give her our band name. so maybe she will read this one day and realize holy shit that guy wanted to get my number. O.k. if you ever read this, girl in the hat with the great teeth, EMAIL ME.

Chicks always think that because you are in a band you have no business being shy, because you get so many girls. And that is true. we get a lot of girls throwing themselves at you. but that's a different scene. And a lot of times they aren't the girls you want to take home to mom. You know. and that's what sucks because the girls you do want to take home to mom don't ever approach you because they already know what kind of girls throw themselves at singers in rock bands and they don't want to have anything to do with it. so that sucks. So you never meet the kind of girls you want to. The truth is that on the street or the train, I am just shy as hell. I'm beyond shy. I'm like scared shitless when I'm talking to girls. I don't know why. maybe I was traumatized by a girl when I was a kid or something. when I met Cleopatra it took me over a month to ask her out, and even then I didn't really ask her out. I asked her to go help me find an animal my grandma thought she had in her garage. That was our first date. Low risk. In case she hated me. its like a curse I live with. Maybe all men do. constantly approached by women who are nice and all but that you don't want, and scared shitless to even look girls in the eye that you do want. And then there's the whole issue of saving yourself for a woman who you think is going to be good enough for you, but the whole time you're worried that you're not good enough for any woman who would be good enough for you. it’s a fucking nightmare.

But I can’t even ask girls for their number or any of that. this girl is shoving her hands in my face to smell her new hand cream and I'm still trying to pretend like I'm not interested so just in case she notices that I am interested she doesn’t like reject me or tell me to fuck off. Also I guess it’s the whole boyfriend thing. I hate that. when they have a boyfriend. then what? You're like, oh well he's a lucky guy, yuk yuk. And you slither away like some worm. I hate that. so I never approach girls or ask them out. I just wait for them to ask me out. Now I just ask to be put on the waiting list. Just here take my card anyway and add me to the waiting list if you guys ever break up. it could be two years ten years who knows. but just give me a ring and say hey remember me? I turned you down like ten years ago because I had a boyfriend. Well guess what? I'm free now. lets go out. and chances are, I'll still be single because I'm so fucking shy.

Current spin; the new Jim Camacho album, stalker songs. Fucking great heartfelt acoustic music. this guy is on fire now and TMG is going to do everything we can to get him more out there. I love his talent. Extremely admire it.

Last screening: COMEDIAN, documentary about Gerry Seinfeld trying to make it in standup again. I would never be a standup. That is a brutal business.

11-23
Another thing about dreams. we often attribute a lot of significance to our dreams. but the older I get and the more whacky dreams I have the more I have come to believe that dreams are just random nonsensical synapses firing, as opposed to some meaningful predictions or indicators of something.

11-22
New York is s strange place? yeah, it still is. I am right this very minute watching an old man walk across the street backwards, up the sidewalk curve, and on into his apt building. Why? I have no fucking idea. You just get used to it. you see things like this everyday. Every hour. I guess because there are so many people. more chances for weirdness.

11-21
a miserable day by all accounts. Alone and lonely. Wandering the city like a nomad. I don't do well with being alone, except of course when I have a hundred events to attend and a hundred people calling. Then of course I am perfectly content to spend hours of time by myself. Feels like I'm giving myself a gift of some kind. But being alone out of necessity is abhorrent to me, wretched.

I think I am starting to pop out of a giant creation that has been so big that I couldn’t see that I was in a creation at all. been living through this nagging pestering unflinching never ending agony over being alone and without a girlfriend for so long. had never spent even a month on my own without a girlfriend or without being madly in love for twelve years straight all the way through to the end of the great Cleopatra saga. But for the last three years I have not found anyone or anything that captivated me enough to even want to entertain for more than a few weeks. so three years now. wow. And I must say that I am proud of that. because I have felt that it was quite noble to forego the obvious pleasures of relationship with another if it wasn't optimal for the more sublime dream to have it be “the one,” “the ultimate.” So I have stubbornly clung to this ideal for more than three years now. but it has not been easy for me. I do much better in a relationship. So I spend a lot of time thinking about it. looking for it. longing it for it.

But lately, since I have been surrounded by eligible girls, and have had ample opportunity to make one the one... but still just can’t seem to find the one, I have begun to realize that there is something deeper here that I am not seeing. A more powerful wisdom to be extracted. A deeper message that I need as a man, that my soul needs at this time in this lifetime. And I have begun to realize that its not a girlfriend or mate or wife that I should be praying for or longing for, but the ability to live peacefully and happily and willfully without anyone but myself. Wow. O.k. easier said than done, I'll give you that. but I'm working on it. now that I know what the message of it is. after that should flow I believe. But in the meantime let the lesson begin.

Last screening: the lives and loves of Oscar Wilde.

11-20
there is this DJ that I know; we always talk about working together. every now and then he calls me and plays his newest tracks over the phone. which I hate because I can’t hear the bass or drums. Funny cause the way it plays out is that he is always calling me at the weirdest hours and I never pick up. and I am always emailing him and he never responds. Tonight I couldn’t sleep and there he was calling at like 2 in the morning so I decided to answer the phone. had a great talk. And I asked him bro why don't you ever fucking respond to my emails. I hate the phone. and he's like man I just hate typing so that's why I always call. I realized something in that moment that sometimes you just can’t get it on with someone for no other reason than that you just don't have the same way of communicating. He's going to make a CD and I told him I'm going to have the band throw a whole rock thing over his house/hip-hop loops that he's so good at laying down. Make something just totally whacked and fresh that he won't even recognize his shit and we won't even recognize our band by the time we are done.

Still, as always, I am so inspired musically, but am just so fucking frustrated by being constantly limited by lack of money to record and promote our work. It can leave you very uninspired if you let it get it you. I swear to God I would sell out yesterday if I knew how, just so we could have more access to cash and resources to record all that we have in us.

last screening: caught U2’s performance on SNL last night. we had bumped into B at the party the other night and were very glad that they were to play SNL, and even happier to hang. they played it live, which is not so often the case in their live concerts these days, uh hum, but B couldn’t resist incanting the word ‘live’ a hundred times into the microphone to ensure the crowd that they weren't to be grouped into the same lot as whoever that girl was from a few weeks back. Of course the running joke has been for ten years when I am told that “you know who you look like?” which can lead to no end of frustration when after all you are yourself more than anyone else, unless of course you are trying to be someone else, then I would assume it would be quite the compliment. I drunkenly assured him that there will come a day when it will be turned around, and he will be the one hearing it all the time, rather than me, and we all had a laugh.

Current spin: Caetano Veloso, his first album from 1967, self titled. Amazing. very different collection of just about everything you can imagine going on at that time all rolled into one glorious masterpiece.

Current read: Transcending their lies by Gil Magno. A read about two pages a day with this one. but everytime I read it I find subtle wisdom and a fresh breath of beauty. Not for the faint of heart. he is an extreme radical in his world views. A great read.

11-19

Last screening: lady windemere’s fan by Oscar wilde.

Current spin: a hip hop artist named kaotic. I am attempting to sign him to our label. He is there. in the zone. Expanding the label a lot now. quickly.

11-18

Last screening: Harold and Maude. Heard a lot about this movie. Didn't find it too good myself. More of a play in the background kind of thing for me honestly. Couldn’t sit through it. although it did entice me to download this song from iTunes by the Cat, if you want to sing out, sing out. great little ditty. The cat’s music will endure.

11-17
Cleo,
You always much more guarded and proper than I, but wow, sometimes, like tonight, G2 just received this email from of all people the Squirrel, asking how Fishy is and all that. Memories.

And then I am not going to my family’s house for thanksgiving due to so many things, money, etc, and I may go hang with Craig and Rachel OR go hang with Dasher and his family and GUESS who is now dating Dasher’s little sister who is like 18???? Your old friend Joel! Small world. so I will end up eating thanksgiving with that guy Joel. What a strange small world this is indeed.

Anyway, I just got back from an amazing party full of celebrities, me being the smartest and best looking of course... and am feeling a little tipsy, and just have such a longing to reconnect with you one day as true friends the way we did when we first met. I guess hearing about Joel and then that email from the Squirrel made me homesick for the connection we used to have.

Our connection is so forced sometimes, so unspoken, so fucking hard most of the time. So strained. Poor us I feel most of the time. I guess because of our current circumstances. How strange and crazy they are between us. how tumultuous it has been for us. how totally insane these nine years have been for us. half the time I feel as though you are my best friend in the world, at least my closest person in the world certainly, and half the time I feel like you are my arch enemy and just want to destroy me. How crazy indeed. How stupid.

Hey one day we are going to open and up and speak like we were kids again. once some more water washes under the bridge. Like best friends. I know and understand that in our present circumstances that you cannot and never will be able to be freely open with me, perhaps never again. I understand that. even though I give you a hard time about being in New York and not telling me I understand. I believe that we both feel that it would be great if we didn't have to see each other face to face for years and years. I think we both dread it. but one day I believe all that will disappear for us. and we will get to a different place.

In any case, how amazing you are and how amazing our lives have been and how amazing you were to my life and all that you contributed to it. so much of who I am comes from knowing you, a lot of the good stuff.

Anyway, in a moment of very relaxed, drunken, and happy vulnerability, I just wanted to say hi and reminisce. New York has been so good to me. and so good for us. I hope you have felt it? the weight lifted off of us in so many ways once I sold that house didn't it? so free now and so much more relaxed now that I don't live in Miami. it was a blessing. Your intuition is uncanny. I should always listen to it. and you to me. we offer each other much help in how opposed our objective viewpoints are from one another’s. how we ever made it as long as we did I will never understand.

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Went to an amazing party tonight. filled with glam and celebrity. Good times. New York is so good. so precious. So special. So intense. So free. So wild. So intelligent. So liberal. So open minded. So there right in the middle of it all. I'm on the phone with the host of the party earlier today – where the only way you can get in is by swiping this magnetic strip of a credit card they send you in the mail by invitation only --- and I'm asking if I can bring a few more of my peeps. he is frantically yelling to me over the phone, ‘listen man, I have Leo Dicaprio's manager on the other line complaining that he can’t bring his entire entourage and I have to figure out how to get these 250 tropical fish into the city from JFK. So dude please understand, you're already bringing more people than everyone else is allowed.” “o.k. fine, so what's the attire like? It says ‘dress to kill.’ Does that mean dress formal? Or can I come ‘rock star cool?’ as always.” “No, don't come formal. Come rock star cool. you do that so well.” “yes dog, yes.”

Had a great production meeting today about the TV show. that's about all I did. woke up so fucking late. sleeping away half the day and staying up all night. I fucking hate it. but the meeting went well. they want to turn the show into my diaries basically but on film – try to get more of a focus for each episode; and my idea is to do a one man show on camera. I just want to deliver monologues into the camera for an hour or so every week. and they say that is boring, funny, and interesting, but generally boring to the rest of America. so we are trying to find a bridge to meet in the middle. They say my idea is too abstract and they won't be able to sell it. I say their idea is to confining and I won't be satisfied as an artist. But I have always resisted the mainstream to satisfy the artist within me, and I have always been so fucking broke. Granted, my idea of broke isn't exactly the average persons, but still. I know how I want to live and this aint it; so this time I am going to listen to my coworkers and try to meet in the middle. I am going to do everything in my power to make this work. I don't care about being your average everyday rock star anymore. All that's already been done before. I think we’re onto something much bigger here. and frankly, rock stars aren't making money anymore. Too hard. If we nail a TV deal for this show we will make more money out of the box than we could ever expect from trying to sell cds in this new world of giving music away for free.

O.k. what about dreams? all those signs about Juliet the last six months. And still, not there. and I get these emails all the time from girls saying they dream about me, and it means nothing to me. obviously only in their minds. So I have to honor that phenomenon. That just because I dream of dear Juliet doesn’t mean anything. Just me and my own projections. There are so many beautiful and intelligent and lively girls here in New York that I don't know why I bother dreaming of Juliet so much. Like Edward Darcy in pride and prejudice I am completely determined to conquer this obsession with her. it is inane and wasteful.

Anything else? no I don't think so. I think that's enough. Life is good here.

There is one more thing. quickly because I am drunk and tired. I relayed to the producers today how about nine months ago that psychic had told me that I would move to the city and that “they” would put me in my own TV show. I of course rejected the idea vehemently and all I wanted to know about was when would my band break big. She protested and told me that ‘everything would be o.k. and I would be very happy....’ and then another psychic a few weeks ago told me that I would have a TV show and that as long as I kept my own ego out of it and made it about everyone else around me, if the world got a chance to see itself through me so to speak that it would be a really wonderful thing.... that we would all be able to see a much bigger perspective of ourselves through my open lighthearted but perceptive ability to see the good and value in all people. charmed of course, but again I protested and just kept asking about the band. she responded with how wonderful it would all turn out for the band because of the TV show and that I needed now at this moment not to be so short sighted and see all the other opportunities being set before me.

So I recall all this to the guys today at the conference table and I half expected them to think I was whacko, but instead peter tells us that for his birthday his new fiancé had given him a free trip to a psychic and that she relayed to him a similar thing, that he was about to produce a TV show that would become very popular and at the time he had no idea what she was talking about since they mainly do films; so we all just sat there staring at each other with our mouths hanging open dumbfounded that there we were in the middle of production on that very TV show that these gifted wenches so mysteriously foresaw months before we ourselves even knew that the thing would ever come into existence. Strange indeed.

Current spin: Mojave 3, ask me tomorrow. Great music!!! slow ethereal vibey tunage.

Also, go here: http://www.8bitpeoples.com/ this is a new music phenom called “chip music” basically 8-bit computer music like from video games. Its so cool.

Last screening: Commanding heights, the struggle with globalization. Powerful. Still not sure about this topic yet. spent a lot of time over the last few years on the other side of it, in the streets protesting. Now I'm not so sure.

11-16
Another glorious day. I will go to Oregon to see Juliet after all. but without camera crew. Too bad. But I will bring the old camera along anyway. She wrote the most amazing letter to me today. really let out a little bit more of her soul. She is very timid. Always has been. Sensitive.

[one of the questions that occurs to me as I watch my infatuation with dear Juliet from afar, is how much do I really love her and how much am I just in love with the idea of loving her? I mean, how much of it is just me loving the romance of it... well eventually we shall I am sure.
?
Tonight about midnight in the grocery store, well actually it was the drug store, I never shop for groceries in a grocery store, only in drug stores, I had this epiphany. What if the reality show that we were working on was a one man show after all. kind of like a one man show AND a reality show all at the same time. an on going one man show. Not one that just lasts for an hour or so but one that lasts for a few years? just an ongoing reality show/one man show. But rather than is the case with Laurie Anderson or Eddie izzard or any other one man shows where there is all this planning and staging and scripting and all of that and tours around the country, the same show, night after night, its just me constantly doing a one man show all the time and its totally unscripted and unplanned, except of course when we plan it and script it, and it changes all the time because we aren't touring it around night after night; instead we are filming it every fucking day. except of course when I want days off.

So yes that is it. one step closer to now fully realizing my real potential, my true calling, my life's work as it may be if we should be so lucky.

Last screening: sense and sensibility. Newer one with Emma Thompson and Hugh grant. I love Jane Austen. I don't care who's playing it. There is the circuitous nature of the sentences that she composed for her characters, where one must listen deeper, past the initial sentiment, to discover what little pearls of wisdom lie underneath, all the while she gloriously decorates each sentence with such mellifluous tone that often times you lose interest in ascertaining the deeper meaning entirely and are content enough just basking in the pleasantness of how the words fall together.

I would like to write like that one day. but in a modern way of course. I mean, more to say, I would like to write in my own style, in a way, such as she did, that creates as much joy for others as her writing does for me. o.k. fuck it. now I'm trying to write like she did. But you know, everyone goes through their Jane Austen phase. let us hope it doesn't last too much longer. No one can understand me now as it is.

11-15
Four more cabinet members of the Bush admin resigned today, including the sacred cow of the republican party known as Colin Powel. That's a total of 6 in the last week. Payback time for the blue states who knew all along that the red states and their persistence in rewarding ignorance and misguidance was not going to go unnoticed or unpunished. With the last of intelligent life gone now in the white house, we can look forward to four solid years of pure evil and buffoonery for sure. I bet these cabinet members were hoping as much as the rest of us that Bush would lose and now find themselves in such a compromised position within themselves that they felt like they had absolutely no choice but to get out now. better before its too late. ?

Last screening: Still watching the Ric Burns documentary of New York. Volume 4, 5, and 6. we are so lucky to have New York I think as I watch little bits of it everyday. And even luckier if we are one of the fortunate ones to live here. It is a breathtaking and bewildering history. Now that I am here I could not imagine living anywhere else; for now anyway. Harlem and the birth of jazz, f. Scott Fitzgerald, emma lazarus, George and Ira Gershwin, Broadway musicals, the stock market crash, skyscrapers and the race to continuously build the tallest buildings in the world --- the tallest buildings in the world were the pyramids of ancient Egypt all the way up until New York city skyscrapers interestingly enough, John Astor, waldorf Astoria, Al smith, Roosevelt, Fiorella La Guardia, Robert Moses and his creation of the highway system, Ellis island and immigration into the city in such shocking numbers that the city seemed to be caving in on itself, but all the while a very special place on the planet was being born. A melting pot of different nationalities and ethnicities that the world had never seen anywhere in the world before; and from it the greatest city in the world.

This is what I like about New York the most, more than anything else, and there are so many things to like about the city, but the diversity of people, that's the thing. The fact that you can be standing on a corner with a hundred other people waiting for a light to change and be listening to Spanish, Albanian, Russian, Indian, French, and Chinese being spoken all at the same time around you. You know you're in New York. That the man who lives next door to you is form Hungary and the girl above you is from Vietnam and your landlord is a Russian Jew and your postlady is half black and half Puerto Rican and the guy who makes your pizza everyday is from Brooklyn of Italian descent and claims he knows pizza better than anyone else on earth. Hehe. That's the coolest part of New York. Constantly stimulating and exciting, and ever challenging our understanding of what America is.

Currently there are over 27,000 people per square mile in the great city. when I sit in my little hole in the wall apartment I imagine myself as one of those 27,000 people in that one square mile and the thought is mind boggling. A total of over 8 million people on just the island of Manhattan alone and 18 million in the entire area of the five boroughs combined. Friends ask me, how do you live in that? My answer to them is that it is easy. when I'm falling asleep at night I am comforted by the sound of the traffic and all the big industrial noise outside my windows. There is something secure and calming about it.

And the history of course. New York is running through our veins as Americans because so much of what we are as a country and as a people came from New York, most of our families arriving first to Ellis island in New York before we moved on to other cities or states, each of us an immigrant still in our blood. Every one of my grandparents can be found on the immigration records of Ellis Island showing what day they arrived here and what country they were coming from and how old they were and whether they could speak English or not, and whether they could read or write and how much money they each had in their pockets. Whenever I see the Statue of liberty I think of them and how they must have felt when they first saw it as children after so many months living on a ship hoping to find a new world to build their new lives in. The excitement they must have felt seeing the great land of America for the first time. And it was here, the city of New York, that welcomed each one of them, each one of us. Ninety years later they have all passed on, but I am here. So in a way their legacy lives on. As I visit neighborhoods for the first time I wonder if they too walked those same streets and try to imagine what the city looked like to them way back then when they were first starting out in their new lives.

Between the years of 1890 and 1920, every four years a city the size of Boston was being added to the small island of Manhattan in the sheer number of people that were coming into the city from Europe and Asia and South America. In the year 1907 alone over 1.2 million immigrants came into New York from Europe. In less than ten years twelve million people came to America and settled in New York from the old world, including my grandparents. Americans were frightened by this wave of immigration that was flooding our young country. There came a time where there were more Jews in New York City than anywhere else in the world (New York still is the second largest Jewish community in the world except for Israel now), more Italians in New York than in Naples or Rome, more Irish in New York than in Dublin, more Greeks in New York than in Athens. Over 700,000 Russians alone lived in New York in those early years. Over half a million poles came over and never returned. As Americans now we are all a part of that. We are the descendents of that great wave of hungry eager ambitious immigrants who flooded into the seaports with nothing but a few suitcases and made America what it is today.

And New York is our living breathing testament to those immigrant years, and to all the years that have come since. It is the most mixed up racially and ethnically diverse cosmopolitan city that we have ever seen in the world's history. Never have we seen a city such as New York.

11-14
a most brilliant day hanging with Chapper and the Stallion. A long day. a Sunday. A cold day. But a sunny day. slept in. had a nice bath, a great breakfast that we filmed but didn't come out to well. more on that later. then off to the park to see the belvedere castle. Then a cigar and Frisbee with some generic girl's German Shepard. Then off to bestbuy to help the stallion buy a TV and a DVD player. Find myself more and more liking the stallion. The more I hang around her. hard to resist her. same with boo boo too though unbelievably. We had a great night last night. she avoids me after we have great nights together I notice, as any intelligent woman would. She likes me and says that if we slept together it would ruin our friendship. That wouldn't be worth it. she's one of my best friends. Frankly same thing with the stallion. And all the while my heart belongs to dear Juliet. Which is of course as always ridiculous since I haven't seen her in fifteen years. but I love her face her voice her laugh her intelligence. I am flying to see her face to face. If not anything else it will make for a good scene in the movie. Alas I confess when looking at it from afar I am a man in love with love.

The stallion recounted a hilarious if not tragic story of our brief affair. ?You make love to me and then you disappear for two weeks and don't call me. Then you write me a letter and say that I am not the one and you feel like you cheated on your wife even though you are not married and don't even have a girlfriend, but you just haven't met her yet, whatever that means. You wouldn't even give us a chance. Then you show up on my doorstep two weeks later and want to hang out as friends. Then when I protest you tell me to fuck off and die. then you show up again a month later and want to be friends and call me everyday for six months till we become friends again and now everytime I mention another man you run around screaming in a jealous fit of anger but refuse to consider us anything but friends. So you wonder why I am hesitant to get close to you again. I like you Fishy but I shouldn't; you are a freak.?

O.k. so I have some issues. No wonder. But seriously. I cannot get this woman off of my mind. This mystery woman that I feel so close now. the one I have seen in my mind and felt in my heart for over three years now. there are so many beautiful girls in my life and have been, I could have been with any of them. they were all in their own way the girl that got away; but I have this sneaking suspicion call it intuition that we know when we know and we know when we don't know. so when I know I will know.

It was 40 degrees today and I am getting used to it. although my fingers are always fucking freezing. And my legs hurt from climbing subway stairs all the time.

11-13
good day. worked all day. catching up on so may different projects. Obsessed with finishing the new album me and the guys began last month. And the reality show/documentary project here in New York. And with the new CD coming out this month of course. and with all the little details involved in this move to a new place.

such feelings of release and relief and joy in the subtle realizations that come and go about me really being here now and leaving all of that behind down there. there was so much there that I needed to let go of. I feel like such a new person. so happy and free and relieved and clean.

although it is cold and I am not finding it easy to deal with. It is 32 degrees today, says it feels like 26 degrees. Yes that's about right. feels like 26. when its raining on top of that it really sucks. Freezing rain pelting you in the face as you are walking block after block. Really makes you wonder about the 8.5 people that live here. [I checked. Its only 8.5 million people that actually live in Manhattan believe it or not. One would think it was a lot more. but that's it.] I mean people tell you that your skin will thicken up or that your blood will thicken to the cold but of course those are just old wives tales. Maybe you just build up a tolerance to it. but that hasn't happened to me yet.

down in the southern states you never even think about the weather. its just always warm or hot. So except for rain or hurricanes the weather is pretty unimportant. Not something you pay attention to. here you are looking at the weather everyday. Forecasting days ahead of time, praying for a warm day to come around now and then. I just never knew the weather was so important. Until now. I really am in shock that people actually live like this. I just never had any conception of it. I am truly in shock over it. millions and millions of people live like this year after yaer. Don't they know about the southern states? I guess they figure it's a tradeoff; they trade good weather for class culture intelligence and style. [hey don't blame me for all those red states voting to keep slavery and ban gay marriage and voting for Bush so they could lose the rest of their jobs. we?re not losing our jobs in the big cities. And the guy flat out said on live TV that he wasn't going to help them save their jobs but rather help them get educated so they could get better jobs. hey believe that one when you see it. poor bastards. They are in for a cruel awakening. They have no one to blame but themselves for their reputation. Hey maybe it's the lack of cold weather that gets to their brain or something. maybe we humans need cold weather to think rationally or something. who knows. then again look at world war two Germany or Russia, so fuck me what do I know?]

but one thing you do notice is that you really become much more aware of the seasons here in the cold weather and also the holidays take on a much more significant flavor in your life as well. in the South, the holidays just seem so blas? and commercial and overplayed. Whereas here in the north the holidays really take on a kind of a magical essence. You can already feel it in the air. And then it snows and its like you're really walking in a winter wonder land, rather than just singing about it.

11-12
finding myself filled with anger over the Juliet creation. The more I try to deny my feelings the more angry I feel. I find myself staring at people in the subway stations with hatred in my eyes, like a Tiger ready to pounce. I know what this is. I recognize the symptoms. Whenever you deny or resist things within yourself it leads to this kind of nagging painful feeling. You see it in people who are not entirely honest or present at all times. Their hearts and minds are so occupied with what they are resisting that they get all wrapped up inside themselves and so they can't be in the moment. can't be present with other people. so that's been me the last few days. I swear to God if she would just give me the word I would ride out there on a big white horse with a big iron sword and see what all this was about one way or the other.

11-11
Went on a blind date tonight, but more like a double date. Good times. good conversation. Insane time actually. Can't speak about it.

Anxiety still rather high here. need to take about a half a valium a day to deal with the culture shock of it all. I don't really take valium. I suck on them like candy to get it into my system faster before I die from anxiety.

A few observations. We are reaching the zenith of the politicization of America. Politics are becoming headline news. like entertainment to us now. not just a few old men sitting in dark smoke filled rooms as times past. Perhaps actually it's our first Politicization as a people. Perhaps it's the first time we have ever woken up to the real power of us, and realized how limited in other ways our power really is in the system we have created.

Also, at dinner, blurted out as I had the realization that we are now in something that can best be called the age of personal expression. The personal expression age. The logical natural child of the information age. We are knee deep in it now. we can make a reality show about anything and people will find it interesting and entertaining. People would rather watch real people expressing themselves than fake people pretending to express themselves. Its about time.

There is this store that I frequent that refuses to play any other TV stations besides Fox news. now I haven't watched television in years, but sometimes I am forced to notice it if the volume is up.... I remember when Fox first came out as the alternative fourth network. Back when we were kids. Their content was so disgusting, so silly, so lowest common denominator that no one took them seriously. a few years later and I cannot believe that there are people, some people, that not only take the station seriously, but actually watch it. things like ?the Scott peterson trial? and Geraldo rivera and their whole pretend news channel that they have, the red state zombie channel.... it is so fake, so opaque, so propagandized, and so partial, so staged... holy shit... I am aghast while watching it. there are some real morons in this world... it is truly scary and I must admit while typing this that I find myself quite nauseous and frightened for us and for them. at this point they are like pigs being led by leashes and collars to the slaughter but they just have no fucking clue yet.

11-10
Dear stallion,
Well it has finally happened. You said it would.
I am sitting in my apt on a ledge hanging outside the window so I can smoke because it is too cold and rainy to go outside! so I have the window in my apartment open, the fan on full blast, my overcoat on, and I am hanging out a window ledge trying to blow smoke out the window. I never thought it would come to this. You were right. the New York life at this poor a level is a totally other world from the rest of the country. I'm inside but still my hands are freezing. And all of this just to have a smoke at the end of the evening. ?

Current spin: George Michael, his new one Patience. I love George. not all of his work, but a lot of it. I'm just glad he has a new CD out. and I'm glad he is more open about his sexuality now. still digging into this one. the songwriting doesn't seem as strong as normal. How does this come out of the same person who brought us ?freedom,? the greatest song of all time, I don't know.

11-09
-----Original Message-----
From: G2 .:. TMG Records [mailto:G2@tmgrecords.net]
Sent: Tuesday, November 9, 2004 11:36 AM
To: Fishy
Subject: Anti-war quotes

Hey fishy, check it out.
"Never has there been a good war or a bad peace."
?Benjamin Franklin

Dear G2,
Great sentiment and catchy too. But I do not agree with this idea now. Franklin penned this before the great world wars of the last century. World war two was a good war, as good as they can be I suppose. We saved a shit load of people, perhaps an entire race. If we wouldn't have gotten involved, the Jews would have been nearly exterminated --- one could only imagine that if civilized man -- if there was such a thing at the time -- would have come up against us, the European settlers/our founding fathers, while we were slaughtering the native American people of this continent then maybe we would have been able to save them too. But we were not that fortunate. No one did a damn thing, so we basically wiped them all out. But yes we did manage to save the Jewish people in world war two, and maybe even saved democracy and freedom in the western world as we know it today against an insane and irrational tyranny of blind, mad men. Thanks for the quote though.
Love Fishy

Current spin: the song hot down from father Bloopy. This track is killer and we will cover it on our next CD!

Last screening: since I don't have TV and netflix sucks in nyc, the only thing I have is all the bbc versions of Oscar wilde plays which I have seen like a hundred times now, and series 2 and 3 of Father Ted from the BBC. This stuff is funny. Gross and stupid, but funny in a sick way.

11-08
sunlight is a rare commodity here in New York. I find myself fighting a subtle depression due to never seeing the sun. I look for little pockets of sunlight on certain streets and I dash to them to stand underneath them for a few minutes.

This week I am replacing all of the lightbulbs in my office with full spectrum lights no matter what the office manager has to say about it. its true what they say about lack of sunlight and depression. I have felt it the last few days.

there is an uneasiness in the air about the inevitability of another terrorist attack to New York. Especially since the Bush reelection. But I would say that it probably wouldn't matter who won. Its just this feeling in the air. The subways are always being stopped now or re-routed. And it is very inconvenient to us. Every few minutes every day we are reminded over a loudspeaker to watch out for strange activity or strange persons or strange packages left lying somewhere in the subways unattended, and to immediately tell a police officer about anything suspicious we see or hear. This is not a good feeling I must confess. People are always nervous about it.

I cannot say that I am completely happy here yet. I am not used to the cold nor the seemingly constant darkness. I now understand this theory I would see talked about on TV about people who get depressed during the winter. I really want to live here, but I just wonder how long it will take me to get accustomed to this cold and darkness and the inconvenience of having to walk everywhere and take the subways, which at first can be very simulating but after a while I just find boring and depressing and monotonous and a general pain in the ass if you are used to driving everywhere. walk. Cross the street. Down the stairs. Through the gate. Down more stairs. Wait. Dash in the train before someone gets your space. Get squashed. Ride and wait some more. stare off into space. look at everyone else's blank faces. Get off. Avoid hundreds of people. Walk more. up more stairs. Walk more. and now do the same thing getting back. and now do this two to four or more times per day. everyday. Man I miss my beamer. ok I've vented enough for now. I feel better.

Last screening: Commanding heights: struggle for the world's economies, volume two. If you aren't a fan of economics before you watch this, you very well could become one. fascinating stuff.

11-07
At the cigar store on Sunday before the race and there were these men in there. not your typical cigar store guys. they were visiting from Vegas. One guy had this strange habit of staring at every girl who would walk by the window we normally sit in front of and when they would catch his eye he would cock his head to the side and raise his eyebrows up with this sly smile on his face, like an evil cat about to eat a mouse or something... turns out he is a las Vegas hypnotist... anyway these men were so jaded about women that I felt nauseated listening to them. normally one assumes that men in a cigar store are upper-class and educated but now and then you meet some real lower-minded Neanderthals in there. I am tired of men who think that women are only out for money and men are only out for sex. it is an unfortunate symptom of some of the more unevolved beings that we unfortunately must still come face to face with in these supposedly modern times. I was so sickened by their misogynistic conversation that I put my cigar out midway which I would never do and just bailed on the scene. I have no patience for that kind of thinking.

nyc marathon was in town and I was so moved by it. it was breathtaking and awe inspiring. New York is fucking amazing.

Still find myself obsessed with friends at times. this kind of manic paranoia that is not entirely clear to me. don't take it seriously anymore. If I don't give it much, but rather just observe it like oh isn't that interesting it goes away. this was the substance of my thoughts tonight as I was walking home from the Stallions house. which is a whole other matter. Everytime I see her I find myself more attracted to her. told her tonight I think its some kind of a molecular bond I have to her. can't seem to shake it. which isn't a good thing, because we already tried to go out for a while and just couldn't get it to fit so perfect... there was always too much static between us. like we wanted to kill each other some times. I still love her though. And Juliet too. and a few others. crazy. but tonight we had this kind of celebratory realization that two years ago to this month we were both sitting in her apartment in Miami beach reading this reference guide to nyc and planning on coming here to live and now we live here. so we were happy in that. we did it. we fucking did it. ?

But yes as I was coming home I was ruminating on this nagging friend feeling --- feeling like I didn't have enough friends, those type of feelings. Which is crazy because objectively I can honestly see that I have too many if anything, if that is possible. So this fear or resistance is something that is just there that is transparent that I am operating through non-deliberately. but still it comes through inside of me and I just find myself feeling sad or lonely every now and then, kind of like an Eeyor sort of woe is me feeling. Again, totally unwarranted, and unaware of the specific origin of the feelings. But very real nonetheless. And then Rockaway called and we talked for like an hour or two like two old housewives with nothing better to do as we always do and then it went away and I realized Its just something I need to explore and discreate. Not sure where it comes from, but I know that its only as real as I allow it to be. there is safety in that knowing. You move through it faster. Recognize that it isn't me, its just a feeling. And more powerful than that, a feeling that I am creating.

Last screening: commanding heights: the battle for the world economy, volume one. Fascinating. Study of the conflict between Keynesian planned government socialism, and Hayek's and Friedman's more conservative capitalist de-regulated approach. Basically a 20th century economy lesson. Good stuff. I had no idea. You really begin to understand the role that governments have and can have in our lives. And you also understand the difference between America and many of the other countries around the world. we are lucky here for our capitalist society in many ways, because we are so free to make money. But we?re still fucked here in some ways because we don't have things like universal health care and the rampant deregulation of our industry has now led to monopolies galore like in radio and in oil companies and in the music industry and newspaper business... and of course there is still very much a make it or don't make it mentality here that other more civilized countries frown upon as barbaric, as our health care system is an example of, where you can have whole families without health care, or old people sitting at home dying in bed alone and no one even knows about it or does anything about it. And unless you work for some large company you're forced to pay this ridiculous amount of money just to get covered and then you're still not very well covered for your health. This is an example where some government control would help. After watching the debates rage throughout the century as to which system was better, because in many instances both had worked for America and for other countries alike, I believe we need a balance between the two, always fluctuating back and forth between rampant capitalism and subtle socialistic ideas in order to maintain the balance for the economy and the health and security of the people. I don't see why it has to be one or the other.

Current spin: Janet Jackson, together again remix. I LOVE Janet.

11-06
Friends in town from Miami and all over the states and South America to run in the nyc marathon tomorrow. had a great experience where I met up with Luis downstairs on the street. He was in town from Venezuela, and was shopping and called me and asked me where I lived. I told him, and then he exclaimed, ?I'm downstairs on your street!? I was like ?no way! o.k., I'll be down in less than a minute.? Crazy. so then he tells me that Ivonne this girl I dated about a year ago and a few friends were was also in town. and told me where she was eating in the west village. So I went there and pretended I just happened to be there and bumped into them... her face just dropped and she got all nervous was shocked and it was really funny. Then I told them the joke and we all laughed. Good times. so tomorrow I will go film them crossing the finish line. 26 miles. Wow.

Then off to the macanudo club for a smoke and a few drinks with Christopher and his girlfriend. Sinatra and Tony Bennet singing over the speakers over glasses of beer and port. Good times.

And then off to a debutante party for one of the secretaries of Mayor Bloomberg at some new hip club in the meat packing district. More Miami-vibe than I would have liked. You get to a certain class level, the level where they haven't quite made it yet, but really want to make it or are close to making it or work for people who have made it... and its all posing and bullshit. no substantive conversation. A lot of tight asses and turned up noses. You hang with people who are already there and everyone is laidback and easy going and cool as a fucking cucumber. Because they aren't worried about it anymore. So real things can get accomplished in that environment. Ideas generate and contacts are made. You can always tell someone who is still wanting it because all they do is ask you fucking questions about what you do or talk about what they do till you wake up ten minutes later realizing that you fell asleep midway during their diatribe and have dropped your drink and spilled it all over the floor. I'm usually good for about ten minutes in those scenes till I feel the world caving in around me and start feeling this nagging dread that if I don't go actually do an actual something that I'll be as big a loser as the rest of them. hence the arguably obsessive and unnatural workaholic ethic I so loyally abide by. Its past four am now and I'm still sitting here in the freezing cold madly typing away. I don't know if you can call writing, the kind of off the cuff stream of consciousness writing that I do, ?doing something,? but I find comfort in the practice of it nonetheless.

Its nothing against people. its just that you reach a certain point where you realize that you are where you are. And putting on a show is not going to help you get anywhere. The people we admire are that way because they are just fucking cool. and that doesn't have half as much to do with your status in life as it has to do with how you feel about who you are and what you are doing. Rich or poor. I learned that the hard way over the years. be cool. stop worrying. just be cool.

Something I thought of last night just before sleep, that there is this major difference between the regular working class people of society and the artists and that is that the artists to a certain degree are not as focused on the monetary rewards of working as much as just getting off and creating art. Whereas the working people are more focused on the rewards and the materialistic gain that can be had from working rather than the work itself. A lot of people don't even mind switching careers a bunch of times throughout their lives just to get to the top. Whereas the artists would never even consider that if it would spite or compromise their art. They're just really focused on making their art and getting it out and they don't even care if they are making money with it or not. I can easily relate to both sides of course. I mean, at a certain point you have to. unless you want to always be struggling. But still, the art is always going to come first, above all else.

Anyway, a busy fucking day and a busy crazy week. life here is much more difficult than living in other places where you drive. Everything here is twice as difficult as the rest of the country. New Yorkers just don't know it because they are used to it. but it is. you get so worn out being on the subways and having to walk all day and night. by 7 you feel wiped out and ready to lie down for a while.

Current spin; Caetano Veloso. His first album. Self titled. Brilliant. one of the best albums of all time.

Last screening: THX 1138. this is the first George Lucas film he ever made. it is fucking amazing. an absolute MUST SEE. You see glimpses of what would come later in star wars six years later. this is just an amazing work of art. If you work in film or in sound or music this is a classic and you prob know it already but if you don't, you will love it. it's a library piece for sure.

11-05
My dearest Juliet,
I am on a high from the realness and substance of our conversation. Really good stuff.

Had a big glass and then another of bourbon at a local bar. They only charged me $4!!!! God smiling on me. And I am NOT a drinker so of course i am already drunk and I have to say that I just think you are awesome. I cannot explain how close I feel to you at times. when we speak. Like I just want to grab you and shake you and say hey fucking a Julie you rock! And I want to stare into your eyes till I disappear and we become one being. How lucky we are to know each other now. the rest I will not write to you, but save it.... but thank you for a great conversation. You are a goddess. Or a God. take your pick.

In other news I am not eating. A bowl of a soup a day and that's it. its fucking crazy. I need to start eating. But today I did have two bowls of soup; strangely, I have had acorn squash soup for four days in a row now. I believe I may be turning orange.

Yo Bas,

Well this is great news dog. About Ferret. Good for all of us. the ambassador doesn't like bad blood. And he doesn't like feeling out of integrity either.

As for the letter, after two and half years of writing in the diaries online, I believe that somewhere along the line I became a real writer through the practice of it. not necessarily a good one, but read the letter. I became a real writer. it's a great feeling after working so hard at it for so long.

You hit the nail on the head dog. Good job. Ferret needed the letter. And yes you are a good writer now. I told you. make some fucking money with it will you? we all need it.

Things are good here. money is tight. But I have a lot of friends here. and a good neighborhood.
???????????
??????????? Enjoy it up there. Miami may miss you but you shouldn't miss Miami.

[Your cousin is off the deep end right now total Jesus freak by the way. he accused me of being an immoral materialist because of my beliefs... ?and that he would pray for me. until I informed him that I sponsor two different children one in Africa and one in Brasil every fucking month even though I'm pretty fucking poor. And that I give to over ten different charities every year. And that I do that without God or Jesus but because I am human. That shut him up.]

??????????? I know. He's still learning. Go easy on the kid.

New times Miami wrote an article about us this week by the way if you want to check it out; it has very little to do with the amazing interview we gave, but just focuses on business, not very deep, too bad. Yesterday I gave an interview to New York metro magazine about bush being re-elected. It appeared yesterday in the paper. that was cool. my first New York press as a resident.
???????????
??????????? Read the article. Doesn't talk about your music at all. weird. Congrats on the New York article. Tell it like it is my brother.

Chap is a good kid. Works hard. Plays hard.

One of my best friends. Careful when he gets drunk. he is liable to get you into a few fights. So watch out. but he's a great guy. I am glad you all are hanging out.

He and his buds are making a reality TV show about me and my move here. The filming is hilarious. I didn't realize I was so stupid/funny/strange. Wow. I guess you and my family and other friends just got used to it. haha!!!

I have always told you that you are crazy. but now you are starting to see it. so maybe you are not crazy after all...

I tried to make coffee for myself and it was filmed and it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. we were all laughing our asses off watching it!!!

??????????? I cannot picture you making your own coffee.

I then commented to the camera that ?if you drink too much caffeine in the evening just take extra valium at night...? and everyone was rolling on the ground laughing. But I was just giving some straight up advice and not trying to be funny. You know. it's goofy shit. But it's funny.
???????????
??????????? You are insane. Go easy on the drugs my brother.

The new CD is out now. will soon start hitting stores and radio. You?ll get an email.

Where do we buy it down here? that is your best album. I already told you that. time to breathe out a little while you are up there. start a new life for yourself and collect aligned companions for your work and play. You are in your environment now. I told you to move there three years ago.

11-04
Last screening: coffee and cigarettes by Jim jarmusch. Viewed the film because it was said to be about a bunch of cool people having cool conversations in different casual settings. Reminded us of what we are trying to do with Transcendence Television, the reality show, that's the running name now. But after 36 minutes I turned it off. Forced, stilted, transparent, insulting it was so bad, utterly meaningless. I had such hopes for it. how can you ruin such a brilliant idea as a movie about coffee and cigarettes? But it is everything that we are trying not to make. It has illustrated for me clearly that we are on the right path with this non-reality reality-show idea. Let it be real. Just real. No planning shit. No telling people to improv shit. Just catch the action and emotion of the human experience in the moment and edit it all together. show us what we are.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now for a few from the mail bag:

From New York City

<<From: Nicole Henderson
New York, NY
Sent: Friday, November 05, 2004 11:03 AM
Subject: I wanted you to know.

I am writing this letter to the people in the red states in the middle of the country -- the people who voted for George W. Bush. I am writing this letter because I don't think we know each other.

So I'll make an introduction. I am a New Yorker who voted for John
Kerry. I used to live in California, and if I still lived there, I
would vote for Kerry. I used to live in Washington, DC, and if I
still lived there, I would vote for Kerry. Kerry won in all three
of those regions.

Maybe you want to know more about me. Or maybe not; maybe you think
you know me already. You think I am some anti-American anarchist
because I dislike George W. Bush. You think that I am immoral and
anti-family, because I support women's reproductive freedom and gay
rights. You think that I am dangerous, and even evil, because I do
not abide by your religious beliefs.

Maybe you are content to think that, to write me off as a "liberal"
-- the dreaded "L" word -- and rejoice that your candidate has
triumphed over evil, immoral, anti-American, anti-family people like
me. But maybe you are still curious. So here goes: this is who I
am.

I am a New Yorker. I was here, in my apartment downtown, on
September 11th. I watched the Towers burn from the roof of my
building. I went inside so that I couldn't see them when they fell.
I had friends who were inside. I have a friend who still has nightmares about watching people jump and fall from the Towers. He will never be the same. How many people like him do you know? People that can't sit in a restaurant without plotting an
escape route, in case it blows up?

I am a worker. I work across the street from the Citigroup Center, which the government told us is a "target" of terrorism. Later, we found out they were relaying very old information, but it was already too late.
They had given me bad dreams again. The subway stop near my office
was crowded with bomb-sniffing dogs, policemen in heavy protective
gear, soldiers. Now, every time I enter or exit my office, all of
my possessions are X-rayed to make sure I don't have any weapons.
How often are you stopped by a soldier with a bomb-sniffing dog
outside your office?

I am a neighbor. I have a neighbor who is a 9/11 widow. She has
two children. My husband does odd jobs for her now, like building
bookshelves. Things her husband should do. He uses her husband's
tools, and the two little girls tell him, "Those are our daddy's
tools." How many 9/11 widows and orphans do you know? How often do
you fill in for their dead loved ones?

I am a taxpayer. I worked my butt off to get where I did, and so
did my parents. My parents saved and borrowed and sent me to
college. I worked my way through graduate school. I won a full
tuition scholarship to law school. All for the privilege of working
2,600 hours last year. That works out to a 50 hour week, every
week, without any vacation days at all. I get to work by 9 am and
rarely leave before 9 pm. I eat dinner at my office much more often
than I eat dinner at home. My husband and I paid over $70,000 in
federal income tax last year. At some point in the future, we will
have to pay much more -- once this country faces its deficit and the
impossible burden of Social Security. In fact, the areas of the
country that supported Kerry -- New York, California, Illinois, Massachusetts -- they are the financial centers of the nation. They are the tax base of this country. How much did you pay, Kansas? How much did you contribute to this government you support, Alabama? How much of this war in Iraq did you pay for?

I am a liberal. The funny part is, liberals have this reputation for living in Never-Neverland, being idealists, not being sensible. But let me
tell you how I see the world: I see America as one nation in a world
of nations. Therefore, I think we should try to get along with
other nations. I see that gay people exist. Therefore, I think they should be allowed to exist, and be treated the same as other people. I see ways in which women are not allowed to control their own bodies. Therefore, I think we should
give women more control over their bodies. I see that people have awful diseases. Therefore, I think we should enable scientists to try to cure them. I see that we have a Constitution. Therefore, I think it should be upheld. I see that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Therefore, I think that Iraq was not an imminent danger to me. It seems so pragmatic to me. How do you see the world? Do you really think voting against gay marriage will keep people from being gay? Would you
really prefer that people continue to die from Parkinson's disease?
Do you really not care about the Constitutional rights of political
detainees? Would you really have supported the war if you knew the
truth, or would you have wanted to spend more of our money on health
care, job training, terrorism preparedness?

I am an American. I have an American flag flying outside my home.
I love my home more than anything. I love that I grew up right
outside New York City. I first went to the Statue of Liberty with
my 5th grade class, and my mom and dad took me to the Empire State
Building when I was 8. I love taking the subway to Yankee Stadium.
I loved living in Washington DC and going on dates to the Lincoln
Memorial. It is because I love this country so much that I argue
with my political opponents as much I do.

I am not safe. I never feel safe. My in-laws live in a small town in Ohio, and that town has received more federal funding, per capita, for
terrorism preparedness than New York City has. I take subways and buses every day. I work in a skyscraper across the street from a "target." I have emergency supplies and a spare pair of sneakers in my desk, in case something
happens while I'm at work. Do you? How many times a month do you worry that your subway is going to blow up? When you hear sirens on the street, do you run to the window to make sure everything is okay? When you hear an airplane, do you flinch? Do you dread beautiful, blue-skied September days? I don't know a single New Yorker who doesn't spend the month of September on
tip-toes, superstitiously praying for rain so we don't have to relive
that beautiful, blue-skied day.

I am lonely. I feel that we, as a nation, have alienated all our friends and further provoked our enemies. I feel unprotected. Most of all I feel alienated from my fellow citizens, because I don't understand what you are thinking. You voted for a man who started a war in Iraq for no reason, against the wishes of the entire world. You voted for a man whose
lack of foresight and inability to plan has led to massive
insurgencies in Iraq, where weapons are disappearing into the hands
of terrorists. You voted for a man who let Osama Bin Laden escape
into the hills of Afghanistan so that he could start that war in Iraq. You voted for a man who doesn't want to let people love who they want to love; doesn't want to let doctors cure their patients; doesn't want to let women rule their destinies. I
don't understand why you voted for this man. For me, it is not
enough that he is personable; it is not enough that he seems like one of the guys. Why did you vote for him? Why did you elect a man that lied to us in order to convince us to go to war? (Ten years ago you were incensed when our
president lied about his sex life; you thought it was an impeachable
offense.) Why did you elect a leader who thinks that strength
cannot include diplomacy or international cooperation? Why did you
elect a man who did nothing except run away and hide on September
11?

Most of all, I am terrified. I mean daily, I am afraid that I will not survive this. I am afraid that I will lose my husband, that I will
never have children, that I will never grow old and watch the sunset in a backyard of my own. I am afraid that my career -- which should end with a triumphant and good-natured roast at a retirement party in 2035 -- will be cut
short by an attack on me and my colleagues, as we sit sending emails
and making phone calls one ordinary afternoon. Is your life at
stake? Are you terrified?

I don't think you are. I don't think you realize what you have
done. And if anything happens to me or the people I love, I blame
you. I wanted you to know that.

From Holland, the Netherlands:

Hey fishy,
I think it's sad that Bush is president again?.
But I don't like your election system at all. Two choices you can only make, which is sponsored by tuns of money.... and a lot of media etc. So: Th?t is not democratical at all. It's manipulation etc. So what do you want in america? What example is this for people..?

So that's where it starts. And that Bush became president. I think it is painful for the world, for all the things he did and the violence he uses. He is too persistant and that is not what the world needs: attacking evil with evil. He should read the bible more and understand the essence of love and peace more how you can do something positive with attention in the world....? He should do avatar! For a better world.
I wish you all the best. Send him much love!! And maybe by that he?ll feel appreciated and relax more in his ?being? instead of doing.

Love!

A

Another from Netherlands:
Reelection of Bush, amongst my friends American and world-wide, 15% voted for Bush. The feeling is that we have a wrong leader and that he, by Iraq, has made the world more polarized and dangerous.

Love,

Mirjam

From Chile:
All I can say is that the results of the election reiterates that unfortunately the majority of the population of the US is very ignorant and easily persuadable...

Unfortunately there wasn't a strong opposition: Kerry's weak tactic of just highlighting Bush's mistakes lacked energy. He looked like the bullied kid who can only defend himself by saying that his opponent is bad, without showing what he could do differently.

I feel confused. I would have expected more intelligence from Americans. But again, it's not like they had another choice. Kerry did not inspire me.

I heard somebody said this when we found out about the elections? result:

?Kerry no calienta ni a su se?ora? which translates into HE DOESn't EVEN TURN HIS WIFE ON.

From New York:

NEW YORK (AP) -- A 25-year-old from Georgia who was distraught over President Bush's re-election apparently killed himself at Ground Zero.

From Australia:

G?day Fishy,

What I observe is two nations yours and mine so easily manipulated by its leaders thru the deliberate the escalation of fear?take a tragic act of insanity'sept 11 and the Bali bombing and use what ever means available?media?rhetoric?lies (Bush and his hidden agenda re Iraq ?Howard and the lies over The Tampa ?children overboard? incident just before the previous election) to keep that fear alive then intensify it?and you very quickly have the attention of the masses particularly those people who have yet to be awakened to the effect of their own indoctrinations?religions throughout time have used this form of control for thousands of years (its easier to control people by feeding their fears than to have them move forward thru their inspiration?one controls the other liberates) its what fundamentalists have used and continue to use today ?the level of dishonesty in both leaders reveals a lot about our collective dishonesty and it's a reminder for me to take responsibility for my part in the collective dishonesty in the world? to do what I can to be fairer and more real in my dealings with people and with my self?& to support the awakening of realness on the planet ?I believe this retrograde step can? be turned around if people around the world decide to become more honest?with themselves and others and choose to act accordingly.

Love,

Kate
?

From Italy

Ciao Fishy,
what can i say, i hate all this and i can not understand how is possible he has been reelected. why after all this problems, all this war, all this blood, you let him win. maybe he did something in the election, do you think is possible that he stole votes? cause i can not belive americans still trust him. for example the film or the books of Michael Moor didn't have any emotion on you. when i saw at that film i was so upset and i felt so stupid and small. i will do every thing to convince all the people i know to don't vote for berlusconi.

You remember i always have been warried about the healt of the planet i'm scared about what can happen in few years but now i'm more scared on what can happen to that poor people and of course to us. is a stupid war we are in the 2004 and we still kill each others. we should try all togetar to do somthing good for the planet and you Americans? have to do something to change your president or as you can to put some limits on his powers. any way let me know if the election was 'legal' and what is happening there if there are manifestation to put him down. to conclude i 'm sad and scared because i know this is real bad time for all the world.
hope to see you soon, hope to hear about his death soon.
a big kiss. tua amica, D

Another from Italy

Ciao il mio fratello! I donno what to say but all here in Italy feel bad coz bush take it again. U know how italian suffered coz there is money and Italian soldiers in Iraq and all this becoz of bush. In israel the situation is different coz jews are happy about bush but the palestenian not, coz bush didnt care enough about the middle east , for example like klinton did. I am disapointed coz i feel that the situation will more bad with G. Bush. In general in Europe the people are scared and disappointed,

Ciao, M

From Estonia:

Fishy,

I just wrote a column on the subject that was published on the election day for the newspaper that I work for (one of the 2 biggest dailies here):

??? http://www.epl.ee/artikkel_277699.html

Well, it is written in Estonian of course, but the basic idea of the article is that Europeans don't have any problems with Americans or their values, it's the Bush administration that we (and not only we) have a problem with. If there is anything anti-American people were hoping for, it's the Bush re-relection. Nobody, even Osama Bin Laden or Saddam, has been able to destroy American values as effectively as Bush has.

Of course, we were all hoping for Kerry. We really really were. And of course the outcome was a huge disappointment. However, the fact that over 40 % of the American people voted for change is a very important signal, especially for us, Europeans. A really good signal.

All the best,
M.R.

From Japan:

Hi Fishy,

Good to hear from you, and I am good! I have been checking your transcendent activities through your newsletters, and congratulations for all your wonderful achievements over the last months. :-)

About Bush reelection I am very disappointed. I am against Bush's policies regarding Iraq which are causing many innocent Iraq citizens die every day, and for the same reason I am against our own Prime Minister who is riding on his coattail.

When the final election result was reported on the news, my husband said "Why again Bush?!", I guess it was a question a lot of Japanese had when we heard about the reelection, and I wonder how the feeling is in the U.S., especially in Florida. Can you fill me in?

Love,
Kimi

From France:

Hi Fishy!!!

I hope you're fine. About Bush being re-elected, I simply couldn't believe it, I mean in France we really don't like him, considering all the measures he had taken as a president concerning so many things, such as environment, social life and obviously his dealing of international matters. He has killed so many people in Iraq now. It's true that we don't know many things about Kerry, but here, in France, we had thought that the American people would vote for anyone but Bush and i was pretty sure Kerry would be elected because American people couldn't accept being lied to and manipulated that way by Bush. So the news was a real shock and I still don't understand what made the majority of America vote for him.

I hope I?ve clearly expressed my point of view and have news from you soon,

Bye. Nat

Hollywood man burns military vehicle after learning his son died in Iraq

BY AMY SHERMAN, HANNAH SAMPSON AND PHIL LONG

asherman@herald.com

http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/9494491.htm?1c

Jazz just called me and told me the news. marines come to tell father that his son died in Iraq last night. the father goes into his house, gets a kerosene can and a torch, jumps in the marines jeep (how the hell did they let him do that?) and lights the jeep and himself on fire. Fucking crazy.

Jazz says,

God that is awful. This happened right around the corner from where I work. Do you think we are going to see more of that?

I don't know. but I think so. I think people are really freaking out over this thing. its not like other wars.

But didn't he understand his son was fighting a war? That's the risk. What are we going to do? the truth is we need these kids to go fight these wars. It sucks for the families but they're necessary.

I disagree.

You do?

Yes. totally. we don't need these kids dying for this non-war so a bunch of rich white guys can make money here in America. Its total bullshit. its different if we were being threatened in some way. then yeah, we would all be fighting this war together. but that's why the country is so torn apart about this. in their hearts most people know what's up and they are just trying not to think about it, except when some poor parents find out their son or daughter has been killed. Then it really hits home. it becomes very real. And it sucks and it hurts and its made all the more painful because they aren't really behind the invasion of Iraq in the first place. they're just hoping their kids will get out alive. And when they don't, they fucking go nuts. Because what are they going to do? celebrate the valiant cause of this effort? It’s a bullshit effort.

Do you think the fathers reaction would have been different if it was a different war? Do you really think it was because it was this war?

Yes. totally. and stop calling it a war Jazz. Its not a war. It was and still is an invasion. The Iraqi people are fighting a war. America is invading another country. there's a difference.

But you know what I mean...

Yeah I do. But still there's a big difference. Look, in the long run, maybe this thing is going to turn out for the better for us. I'm sure it will. I see the big picture. We’ll have a military base in another country in the middle east so that will assure us more peace in the middle east, at least for us. and we’ll have control of the second largest oil reserve in the world. so in the long run yeah its going to mean more prosperity for us and chances are for the Iraqi people too. but that's not going to make some Costa Rican immigrant family feel any better about losing their son. That's not a reason to lose our friends and family members. If Iraq or any other country came over here by boat or by plane and attacked us like with Afghanistan or the Japanese in world war II, then yeah we’re all going to fucking get our guns and do our best to kill them, fine. But this is just not right. all the lies about why we went into this... its fucking crazy. Of course the guy torches the marine vehicle. he was pissed. He was enraged. Who wouldn’t be. he just lost his first born son and every day on TV we find out about more lies we were told about the invasion. How's he supposed to feel?

Fishy what are we going to do?

I don't know. what I can’t believe is that more people aren't taking to the streets and doing more. that's what's so weird to me. its this complacency in the face of the horror and deceit of it that I can’t believe. Its eerie really. What else have you heard about the man?

Not a lot. He's at Jackson memorial. He may not live. I'm on my way over there now to cover the story. I will let you know.

Yeah, please do.

You think you'll talk to him?

I don't know if he is conscious.

Well if you do get a chance to talk to him, tell him that we’re sorry. Tell him that everyone is saying they are really sorry.

8-24
Ever wondered about Washington DC? Who hasn’t. what the hell is it? few know. try googling for it and it could take hours to wade past the “sponsored sites.”. But here's some info.
History: http://www.narpac.org/ITXDCHIS.HTM

Its name: Meaning of Place Name: District of Columbia
District of Columbia: So named in honor of Christopher Columbus. Applied through poetical justice to Columbus, and first used by Dr. Timothy Dwight in a popular song written by him which began; Columbia, Columbia, to glory arise, The queen of the world and the child of the skies." Now applied to the District containing the national capital,

8-23
on the plane now. yesterday was glorious. Great weather all over the city. clear and breezy. Looked at many places. In the early morning bumped into Boo Boo Kitty by chance on the street. I thought she was still in Europe. she had just returned. She was just waking up and coming downstairs to get the paper. she came around with me all day looking at properties. We hired a car for a few hours and had him drive us through all these neighborhoods uptown that I had never seen. Morningside, Harlem, Washington heights, inwood, Bronx. It was fun and we learned a lot.

I may have found a place yesterday. Park avenue near grand central. I had this mantra going concerning my new apt: space light view elevator doorman roof deck. Say it fast three times. Well this place has it all except for the space. it can’t be more than 400 sq ft. but it has a 360 degree view of midtown Manhattan on the roof deck and everything else in my list. Huge windows with a southern view. Its good. both doorman and elevator man. BUT its small. About the size of a hotel room. and its midtown. What this means is that you don't get any of that old-school new York vibe that you crave when you go to new York. You get that new-school mid town vibe. All the fancy places, but none of the grungy places. You know I totally forgot to add neighborhood to my mantra. Now I realize I forgot something pretty important. Not that midtown park avenue is a bad address. Just not sure its right for me. will have to see.

But boy do I feel good there in that city.


8-22
dreams were crazy. dreams being nothing more than symbols of our feelings desires hopes fears etc, I don't pay much attention to the facts or figures of dreams, just the underlying meaning. Last night we saw a boy in front of my supposed house, which at first I didn't even know, in the dream, was my house. he was loading a bunch of gear into a duffle bag. Whoever I was with, I don’t know him, yelled to me, look, he is stealing all of your stuff. I didn't pay any attention to this. we continue to talk. A few minutes later they tell me again. I realize maybe there is something to it. I chase the guy down. We run a few minutes. I catch him. it is true. he has this whole bag of my things. he starts pulling them out of the bag one by one. and what's weird he is doing it with total non-chalance, as if its no big deal that he was just stealing all of my things. in the dream, I was thinking, ‘this is so weird. This is just totally twilight zone.’ But when I awoke I knew what the dream was about. And I knew what I need to do about it.

Note to self: Breakfast in your room at the Waldorf Astoria costs a lot; don't eat it there. Breakfast was $36 in my room. and this was just coffee, carrot juice, and muffins. I still feel like I have to throw up from the shock. I have found it impossible to eat from my stomach being so upset. I think they call that sticker shock. I don't think I have ever had it, being as good as I am at over paying for things and not noticing, I am kind of an expert at it, so I never experienced sticker shock before, but this morning was different.

[last weekend Beav and I were discussing buying cars and he tells me how he went into the dealers and did all this negotiating till he got his last car for like 6,000 less than the list price. And I told him how I knew the sticker price and went in and just paid it, totally forgetting to negotiate price. I even knew the cost of each option because I had researched them and just added them all up and said o.k. this car should cost xxx, and paid them. The sales guy was shocked. Beav was like ‘you did what?! What are you crazy?!’ “Dude, I know it sounds crazy, but I totally forgot that we could bargain with those guys about the price. I just gave them what the sticker said on the window.” “Oh my God dude, you need help. Please don't do stuff like that on your own anymore without me or mom being there. please. fuckin A.”

Eating breakfast in the bathtub this morning, I turned over the silver fork and it says Waldorf Astoria on the back and then below that “made in Korea.” Now how the hell are we supposed to enjoy our meal if we see that on the back of the fork? Imagining all these people in these sweatshops churning out this cheap silver that they just stamp waldorf Astoria. I mean, what the hell does that even mean at this point? I mean why stamp your name on it at all? you obviously didn't make it. you had nothing to with it. its not fine sterling silver or anything you should even be proud of. Its not made in some meticulously hand crafted manner by respected artisans or anything that anyone would give a shit about. Its just a fork made in Korea. And that my friends is what's wrong with this whole outsourcing thing. I'm not expressing myself well here; not enunciating the exact problem with how distasteful the experience was... now granted, Hilton bought the waldorf, so it isn't even very waldorf anymore. Its more Hilton, which is bad enough, and probably why there was so much vacancy there that I was able to get two nights for next to nothing. The Plaza certainly feels like a finer hotel. But still, you expect a certain something there, and as much as I try to, I cannot force myself to enjoy eating on a fork that says made in Korea, if the establishment that is offering you the fork is attempting to put on the air of fineness and quality to everything it does. It just doesn’t click somehow.

spent a few hours at the macanudo club on 63rd street. A very darkly lit, richly wood paneled library looking bar where mostly men go to smoke cigars and read and work and hang out. I read an excellent article by financial advisor John Maulden there explaining that the reason why self-investors almost always fail is because they grab at the right investments at the wrong time, when they’re on their way up, rather than at the bottom. Ran into liv tyler who was hanging with you know who.

Idiot Fuckheads: a recent ad from Toyota reads: Our blue sky: more US manufacturing jobs, cleaner US manufacturing plants. .... and then ...” Toyota’s US operations account for more than 190,000 jobs...” and then in tiny little barely-legible print at the very bottom of the page, there is this disclaimer. *Toyota components and vehicles are made using many US sourced parts. Direct US employment: 31,040 jobs as of 12/03.

8-21
I am in New York this weekend, apartment hunting. I scored a roundtrip ticket and two nights at the Waldorf Astoria for less than $600. Part of me wants to keep this a secret, because its just so damn special, this whole Travelocity.com weekend getaway thing... where they offer amazing deals on flight/hotel combo packages. But I'll let the cat out of the bag, whatever the hell that means. Often times you can get the flight and hotel for less than the price of the flight on its own. Last weekend was the same. I also just scored round trip airfare and a week at a hotel in the center of Paris for $569. For another $200 I got another week. [Granted, these are two star hotels, but they will do] I will spend two weeks there at a school studying French after our shows in Atlanta, and before our shows in NY. Don't say no one gave you the heads up. Great deals can be found out there with how competitive travel is now. You can live like a king on a pauper’s ransom. It’s awesome.

The best idea I have had so far is to put everything I own into storage and just travel around for a while. just go from place to place. Been speaking to Giovanna lately. Turns out she is moving from Rome to Egypt to open up a café. May go hang out with her a few days.

The most amazing dinner tonight at the waldorf. the best one I have had in recent memory. Beef tenderloins, cheese rusted mashed potatoes, sautéed artichokes, roasted vegetables, and a pinot noir to wash it all down. God it was good.

A brilliant haircut by Federico at John sahag. Hadn't seen him in over a year. He is Italian so I told him about my trip to Italy last year to trace the roots of my family, hopping in planes, trains, and taxi cabs going from town to town all over the country meeting people and introducing myself and asking them about my family and all. He says it sounded like an American movie. Indeed it does. “Hey. And you coming over here from Italy to be a world famous hair stylist in new York city sounds like a movie,” I tell him. “And look at this, you made it.”

I went to central park to smoke and write tonight because there is a smoking ban in the entire city now. you can’t smoke anywhere in public. I can understand cigarettes of course, but cigars? The nerve. Anyway, I did find a few groovy smokers lounges where men go to smoke and drink. That was cool. but I wanted some fresh air with my smoke. So I hit the park. At night. with all the homeless people. There was this hunched over old black guy on the bench sitting about ten feet away from me. I called to him, ‘should I be scared? Sitting here?’ “How do I know? I'm not.” “Yeah but you're black. And from what it looks like, poor. I'm white and middle class. We’re scared of everything” “Aint you something. asking me that.” “Look man, I'm just asking, is it safe or not? If I'm going to whip out a laptop and start smoking and writing and relax here, I want to make sure that one of ya’ll isn't going to jump me in five minutes. You know, with all due respect and all.” “Man you’s crazy. You aint from here, that's for sure? Where you from?” “I live in Miami right now. I'm moving back here now. Ten years ago, you'd never sit in central park at night with your computer on your lap.” “You probly shouldn’t be doing it now. But you do what you want. I'll watch out for ya.” “Thanks man.” Passersby keep staring at me like who the fuck is that white kid sitting on the benches with his laptop with all those homeless guys... is he just crazy? no one knows what to think. But the Transcendence Diaries don't sleep. They just keep going and going.

Well things have changed here a lot in ten years. this guy didn't even ask me for money. imagine that. no one does. Five years ago even you couldn’t walk five blocks without someone asking you for money. its like that on South beach now. every five minutes someone is asking you for money.

I haven't lived here in almost ten years. But I'll tell you this. I've noticed something, and forgive me for narrowing the conversation so that it may only appeal to new Yorkers, but I noticed this back when I lived here before and I notice now just looking around for somewhere to live. when you live uptown you romanticize downtown. like somehow that's the place to be. and yes when you live downtown, you cannot help but wish you were living uptown. The only solution would be to move every year to a different neighborhood. In five years or so you could take the whole city in.

I have seen more beautiful and eligible girls here in the last ten hours that I have seen in Miami in three years. every minute you look up and you see some girl you would be more than happy to talk with or go out with. Its not like that in Miami. Not for me anyway.

One more thing. it’s the middle of august at about eleven o'clock at night and I'm cold. I'm not freezing but seriously, we’re smack dab in the middle of summer and I have a chill from how cold it is outside. I cannot believe these laptops don't come with temperature gauges, that's bullshit if you ask me, but I swear its gotta be at least sixty degrees right now out here. crazy. I guess you just get used to it. but seriously I don't know how the homeless people take the winters here. maybe they just don't know about South Florida or southern California.

8-20
More good news today for the band. we found out that we were chosen to perform at the CMJ Music Marathon 2004 in New York in October. I have wanted to play at this festival since I was a kid so I am so psyched. Then our manager the Big Man in Black called and said that two more major record labels called him today about the group. that's five labels in a week who have called us. we've waited for this for a long time.

Last screening: radio. Boring movie cause you keep waiting for something to happen and nothing ever does but the story is good. I feel asleep last night thinking, ‘what am I doing to help? What more can I do to help more people?’ really makes you think about that. what is this inner yearning we feel to help others? I wonder if it is innate or if it is something that we learn or come to on our own.

You ever notice that when great things happen that you cannot help but close your eyes and thank God? and when you're feeling blue or when bad things happen that you cannot help close your eyes and ask for gods help or some guidance. Instinctual? Or indoctrination? I wonder.

8-19
August is already half over. I can write it but I can’t fathom it. work is the curse of life if you have to work. Death is its blessing. If you're lucky enough to not have to work then I would assume that death may be the curse rather than the blessing. But I've never been that lucky. so I just wait for death. Like bill Murray in groundhog day. on the plane, I think, oh I wonder if this will be it... perhapswe’ll crash and that will be that. or when I get a pain in my chest I think, maybe I'll get a heart attack right now and just keel over right here... pretty funny. I don't seem to possess any fear of death at all. in fact, the whole idea seems rather appetizing. You have to figure, if we get reincarnated, we can always come back. if there's a heaven then we can always chill up there with God and Allah and moses and all of that sort for eternity, and if there's nothing at all after we die, well then, we won't notice a thing at all. either way, it sounds like a win-win if you ask me.

I cannot shake the feelings of the sights and sounds I experienced at beavers house this past weekend. Two beautiful children. Sixteen months and four years old now. they have the perfect life. perfectly imperfect. But that's what makes it so perfect. its like an American TV show. Total Americana. I told Beav today, ‘man, you guys really have something special there. it really brought me home and reminded me of who I am and what I want out of life.’ watching him ride around on his new tractor riding lawn mower with his little girl on his lap, I was almost brought to tears. Five minutes later we heard our song superhero girl on their local radio station there in Oklahoma city. it was one of the most exciting moments of our lives as a family. Everyone was jumping up and down yelling turn it up. of course Beav was more laidback and cautious about it. I can tell he worries a lot now about how we will take it all the way and really find the means to see solid income come out of this. hearing your song on the radio is one thing. having money in the bank is another. I tell him, ‘I know man. I know.’

8-18
Been back in Miami for three days now. I try not to think about it, but I can feel it coming on like a slow death, like the humidity here. Hot, wet, heavy, sticky, unfriendly and unfeeling, ominous, and never ending humidity.

I've been working all day and then into the evening, twelve to sixteen hour days in an office till nine and ten o'clock every night. on the phone and behind the computer screen. Working day and night at the record label trying to take the band to the next level; where we can actually make a living at this rather than just work day jobs and play the odd gig here and there like most bands. The fans make it easier. But it isn't enough yet. When the last person leaves the office every night I'm still sitting there, by myself, typing or talking away. someone asked me once, when it is going to be enough. ‘when I'm not having to sit here and do this anymore and other people are doing it. that's when. Or a Grammy would be nice.’ laughs. ‘I've written well over a thousand songs in my life. that's enough for a good hundred albums or so. I've only recorded six. So talk to me when I've recorded twenty or thirty. Maybe that's when it’s enough. I don't know.’

But running your own label and taking it to this level is a weird thing. its got its bonuses because you quickly grow out of your local scene. You watch yourself go from a local somebody to a national nobody. And that's a cool thing. sort of. But its got its drags like anything else. Most bands never get to this point. They pile into a van and tour their asses off for a few years and hope that something comes out of that. if nothing happens one by one they bail on the dream, get married, and start going back to school or getting day jobs. I've been there and seen it with a lot of guys.

The other choice is to get to work, make it a business, and take it from a different angle. You start selling more cds and merchandise than you ever imagined. But you wake up one day and you realize that you're spending most of your time in an office instead of on stages. That's a drag. A big time drag. And sometimes you gotta wonder if you're headed in the right direction.

Living your life with one big leap of faith after another, You keep waiting for that one break, for that one car company to buy your song, or for that one song to become a hit on the radio, or for that one booking agency to say sure we’ll take you on even though you're not with a major label, and of course there's that holy grail of the major label record deal that so many artists dream of but so few ever realize. They're yelling hits and you're yelling we've got great music! and they yell back we don't care. We need a fucking hit. Every now and then some good music hits the airwaves and that gives you hope. You think... well maybe...

So you keep going. the hardest part is trying to maintain that balance between the artist that you are innately, the man that you were born as since before time began, and the businessman that works his ass off trying to promote the artist so the both of you don't end up starving in a gutter somewhere.

Last screening: Dopamine. See it.

8-17
We are all very excited at the moment. More labels are calling. More radio stations are adding superhero girl to rotation around the country. And we may get a cover on a national music magazine. Word is that were getting a showcase at the CMJ music marathon. Since we've been turned down by every other festival around the country for the last five years this could be looked at as a good thing. if we’re so good, the universe has a strange way of showing it.

I was in a bar tonight to see some bands. A girl came up to me, she was all over me. she is an ex-girlfriend of a good friend of mine. Shepressed her body to mine. She whispered in my ear. She made it difficult to think of anything else but her in the moment. I was polite and I escaped out the back door. I made my way to a local ‘men's club’ and drank the night away in the arms of women I will never see again to shake the raging hormones set off by my good friends ex-girl. A brother is a brother and you don't mess with your brother’s girl, even if she is an ex. I have learned this the hard way.

Last screening: French film, Children of the century. The love affair between George Sand and Alfred de Musset. Dig it. there was a line that was subtle and brilliant. “You are driving your friends mad.” “I have no friends. Tattet’s the only person who ever told me the truth.” More than anything else perhaps this one thing may be what we prize the most from people we would choose to call our friends. Telling us the truth at all times. Whatever that truth is. I found a mild obsession with George Sand lately.

8-16
Last screening: The barbarian invasions. French film. must see. Very good. one of the best I have seen in a long time.

8-15
There are so many bugs here in Oklahoma. And lots of sounds of animals all around me as I sit out here and type away. crickets and frogs mostly. Dogs barking in the distance. And bugs hitting the windows. Its so peaceful here that I feel like I am opening up inside a little again. Living in South beach, which is so soulless that it could very well be the lobby of hell itself and we just don't know it, has really taken its toll on me the last few weeks. I have closed up so much lately, not really myself. Finding it again though very quickly. Remembering.

Being out here in this beautiful clear weather. Watching the sunset every night over the huge open fields that stretch from one end of the world to the other; hanging with the family doing nothing. I woke up today on the couch at about three in the afternoon from a little catnap to the sounds and smells of the Rat in the kitchen baking cookies, mom was on the floor playing with the nieces, and Beav was lying on the couch working on his computer. How lucky I felt in that moment to have such a wonderful family to come home to.

Oklahoma. We drive by a sign in front of a house that read “FOR SALE WITH OWNER.”

A few minutes later we drive by a sign in front of a holiday inn that reads ‘56K MODEM WITH YOUR ROOM FOR ONLY $19.95!”

This place is classic. The heart of America.

Aliens
In 1991 I had a vision of some terrorists from the Middle East attacking us in the future. I've already written about it so I'll keep it brief. But I had this vision that there would come a time where we would always refer to before and after they attacked us. that they would attack our financial center. and it would be the beginning of a new era in our American history and in civilization. I wrote about it in one of my handwritten diaries of the time. When 9/11 happened I realized that I was seeing on TV what I had had the vision of ten years before. To be honest it was much less catastrophic than my vision. which leads me to believe that we can all breathe a huge sigh of relief or that as senator Gary hart recently warned that there will be more attacks. I cannot say for sure. But my gut instinct tells me that there will not be any more; even after our invasion of Iraq.

A few years later, in an unrelated incident, I had read that there were other planets in our solar system that scientists had not yet discovered. I didn't know what to believe so did nothing but log the data into my memory and never thought about it again. Every now and then I thought to myself, I wonder if we’ll ever find those secret planets that are supposedly out there... Earlier this year scientists indeed found another planet in our solar system, sort of. Quaoar. No one is really sure yet if they are going to officially call it a planet or not. If they don't call it a planet, scientists say, then they will also take Pluto off the list of planets as well. so there will be eight instead of the nine we normally attribute are out there. weird. The times they are a changing.

Throughout the last ten years or so I have had an unshakable intuitive feeling that in our lifetimes that the existence of other intelligent life forms in the universe will make themselves known to us in some kind of very overt irrefutable manner. Whereas now it is still theory to most, that sometime in our lifetime it will become commonplace fact. I take note of it here so there is a record of it.

My feeling is that they are already visiting us, and continue to do so quite regularly. I have no personal experience of any kind that would make me say this. its just a feeling. It’s a knowing. I also have the feeling that it will not be necessarily a bad thing as many people fear. But their existence will rip open our current philosophical and theological views of the universe so wide that we will never be the same after it. Our current constructs of life and the universe will be forever changed. And I believe that after the initial shock we will be better for it.

I spent a considerable amount of time in 95 and 96 studying alien theories; a few years totally obsessed with current knowledge of the subjects. Some rational; some over the top crazy. everything from the theory that we humans were created as a slave race by aliens from Sirius B, which is actually a very popular and well known concept, to the theory that many of the world governments already know about alien life forms and are in constant communication with them, even the idea that many of our current military and technological advances come from this communication we have with alien life forms.

I am not sure what to believe honestly. I have no idea if our government already has this knowledge. A lot of people claim to know, but who knows really? For sure? All I do know is that I have a feeling that in our lifetimes we will see these alien life forms in the flesh. So to speak. Right on our very own TVs. For some reason the idea does not frighten me and I don't know why.

8-14
I'm in Oklahoma for the weekend visiting the family. Beav and his whole family were relocated out here a year ago and mom’s out here for a few weeks. I thought I'd come check it out. twelve hours in the arms of family and I feel better than I've felt in months. Its refreshing being in the warm confines of the family. The love that is here is exhilarating and relaxing at the same time. as Beav says, its palatable. But I think he meant palpable. I realize now that the last year or so I have been in the wrong place at the right time all along. Things aren't so bad. But where I've been living has been pretty bad. There's something to be said about family. And there's something to be said about America. And Americans. I miss America. And I miss Americans. I have to move back as soon as possible.

Beav’s next door neighbor walks up to us getting out of the car in his driveway and says ‘so this must be the famous Fishy that we’ve heard so much about. How ya doing?” turns out he's the pastor at their local church. Beav is the accountant at the church and his wifethe Rat is the Sunday school teacher. God has a brilliant sense of humor.

Oklahoma. Wow. Wide open country as far as the eye can see. All the girls are blond and have skinny butts. Not like the Latin chicks back in Miami. All the men are big guys with crew cuts. Lotta guys walking around in army fatigues. Big open fields everywhere. all the men are out mowing their lawns on a Saturday. Or washing their cars. This is down home America. Beav is making a fence as I type. Making a fence for his dog with his bare hands, using power tools. Can you even imagine? Classic. This is not the city life I am used to. This was a well called and much needed get-away.

Both Epic and Geffen records calling our manager the last few weeks.

Later tonight the pastor and his wife came over for dinner. I'm spending half the night every night hunched over my laptop ranting and raving against organized religion, questioning the very existence of God, at the very least his purpose or motives, and these two founders of the towns only Presbyterian church and their two children are sitting at the dinner table. ‘So Fishy, what’s it like being a rock star,’ pastor Jim asks over barbeque ribs. “Preachers, politicians, and rock stars. We’re all in the same business,’ I answer. Beav gives me this look like ‘no dude please don't go there. These are my neighbors.’

After dinner Pastor Jim and I spend about an hour talking at the table on our own. he is impressed if not downright shocked by my knowledge of the church and the history of religion in general. I am impressed by his willingness to withhold judgment on how overtly antagonistic I am towards organized religion. His heart was open and pure. And the conversation was swimming and stimulating. We agreed on the big points, such as the knowledge of God being imprinted on the hearts of men from the moment they are conceived, and we agreed to disagree on many of the smaller details that make organized religion such a pain in the ass to the enlightened mind, such as each individual religion’s insistence that their God is the right or real God and that all the others are wrong.

We both agreed that man is born knowing inherently the difference between right and wrong, but he believes in the concept of original sin. I do not. He believes that the bible is the word of God. I believe that it was at best an interesting read. He believes that Jesus was God; I stayed quiet on that one in the name of being a gentleman. And honestly I just don't know what to believe there. I find the whole concept of God unfathomable enough, let alone the ‘man as God’ theory. But we both agreed that a good church, with the sense of community and good vibage that it can give you, can be a damn good thing regardless of the religion it houses.

I promised him I would attend service tomorrow to hear his sermon.

Mom reminds us of course to check out the local Unity Churches in our hometowns; how they are non-denominational and tie all the different religions together. I think that's a cool idea. The best of all worlds if it’s done right. but I've been to a few and have always found them to be a bit hokey so far.

8-13
Besides being able to detect most genetic diseases before birth, so we can decide if we want to bring the child into the world [though most thinking people would argue that the being is already ‘in the world’] we can now choose the gender of our children. The Genetics and IVF institute in DC has a 90% accuracy rate for girls and a 75% accuracy rate for boys. That's amazing.

It has made me think more about the debate yesterday about God and religion that me and the boys were having. Someone had made a point that religion often times historically was nothing more than a tool for the ruling state. A way to control the masses by the governing class through rules and laws that had no basis or justification in reality --- so the fear of God or the customs of the religion of the day or God’s “law” could all be used as a way to control people, since often times logic couldn’t. (one can easily see that still in force today in the reasons people give for not allowing same sex marriage rights in the United States –- no logical rational or justification to it, so they are forced to use God and religion as the main arguing points against it; and remarkably it works for the most part. In Fridays paper I even saw a headline that read “Why same sex marriage will surely lead to polygamy. Seriously. that was the headline! Fucking crazy people out there. and they're not the ones you think they are. With articles such as those, it’s the puritan right-wingers that are the biggest threat to human civilization. Then again now that you mention it, ever since I first started condoning same sex marriage I have noticed a strange desire within to make love with sheep as of late. maybe there's something to these theories after all.)

Anyway, certainly this is a given, historically speaking, that this is one of the main purposes of man’s religions – to control the masses by the state. I don't think anyone would argue with that one. Most of the western world today call themselves Christians because one man, the roman Emperor Constantine, hallucinated in the desert that he saw a cross in the sky on his way to battle. He decided to start adopting Christianity into his belief system of the time which still consisted of worshipping many roman and Greek gods and goddesses. It wasn't that he suddenly abandoned all of the other gods and goddesses that he and the rest of western civilization believed in, but he certainly started finding an affinity within for this newcomer Jesus into the hierarchy of deities who were popular at the time once he was crowned victorious in the battle that ensued. What's fascinating to ponder is the possibility of Constantine not hopping on the Christian train and instead jumping on board some other religious ship that was in the harbor of the times. if he would have instead discovered Krishna for instance, we would all be Hindus today.

The reason most in the western world are Christian has not much to do with the veracity or the logical justifications for the religion itself, or even how well it works, if one can qualify such a thing, but more to do with the fact that it was the religion adopted by the ruling class of that time, the roman empire, just as before then, we all held the religious beliefs of worshipping the sun God and the goddess astarte and isis etc, precisely because that was the religion of the ruling government. And of course the same was true for the Jewish religion since time began. It was and still is something you are just born into. if you're Jewish, you're Jewish. Not hard to figure out. plenty of people were at the time, but then the government of that time then adopted Christianity, and slowly over the centuries the people then too adopted Christianity. That's how it works. but it’s a slow process. Not a process one can watch over the time span of a single lifetime, but in much broader scope. It is a process, like many evolutionary processes, that takes life times to observe. Its not as if one day everyone just wakes up and decides that they are Christian or what have you.

A few hundred years later, Mohamed gets jiggy with it by himself in a cave and proclaims a new religion based on the same God as the Christians and Jews were digging, but adds a few more misogynous twists here and there, like women always having to be covered in public, and men being allowed to have more than one wife if he could afford to do so, because after all, we know how horny God could get back then. This new religion of Islam was much like Christianity, even the God was the same, but just a more revved up and militant version. it was all about death and revenge. Namely, death and revenge to the white people who ruled the earth. convert or die was the credo, pretty much the same credo of the Christian religion, which at the time, was called the catholic religion, which was nothing more than a cover for the roman empire. Remarkably convenient for himself and many of his Arabian brothers and sisters, the new home of this new religion was right there in the middle east and God it turned out was very Arabian. Just as the Christian God looked very white and Anglo Saxon, and the Hindu God looked very Indian. All very convenient; and a damn good testament to how good God is at creating people in his own image as they all say.

So again, a new religion is born and the power of that religion to take root in the hearts and minds of the people was not in the practical application of it, nor the seeming truth in it or logical justification of its tenets as much as just the fact that it was quickly adopted by the governing rulers of the times and forced on the people through various decrees and laws. This was done of course through torturing, murdering, and conquering, such has always been the case when one group of men want to force a new religion into a pre-existing culture. the ability of a religion to take root in the people is based on the ruling classes ability to beat it, force it, or frighten it into those people by however means necessary. We are still prone to the same tactics today; every now and then we’ll hear warnings of ‘gods wrath’ if we don't do this or that. in many parts of England and Ireland and many other countries around the world who are still on the catholic bus, gods wrath is still used as the primary motivating force to coerce women not to use contraception, or choose to have children that they do not want, or choose to stay married to horrible men that they do not love. its quite a powerful tool. When juxtaposed with the idea of free will it’s a fascinating concept.

For me, I've always found that if you align yourself with God, rather than set yourself up to be lower than God and thus be constantly afraid of him or his wrath, you're liable to have a better go at life in general. You know, like God is your best friend, rather than your lord and master. But that's just me. fuck me. what do I know. if it were up to me God would have come down ages ago and set the record straight and we could have avoided a lot pain and suffering over the years. but again, that's just me.

Anyway, one of the points someone made in the debate yesterday was that God and religion are only necessary to the degree to which they are able to offer solutions to the unsolvable. Such as was the case when we thought that the sun was a God or we needed to pray to God for healthy crops on any given year. that type of thing. I couldn’t help but think of that today when I learned that it is now possible to prevent a child being born into the world if he or she was predisposed to a genetic disease, or when I discovered that we can now choose the sex of our children before they are born.

Now that we have broken the genetic code we have come farther than ever in helping to free up more of gods time. you gotta figure that its only a matter of time before he is so freed up that he has the time to come on down here and offer his services to helping us kill off the rest of those pesky Iraqis or helping us stop those evil gay people from trying to get married. What is he waiting for?

8-12
Debate in the office today amongst a few of us about many things. started with this one guy saying that Christians have a moral responsibility to assure that Bush gets voted out of office because of how much he is misrepresenting the Christian faith, and in the bigger picture how anyone who is a good person or a moral or enlightened person has this same responsibility to do so because of how corrupt he is.

Another guy argued that good and bad are subjective terms and how some people might totally feel aligned with bush in some weird way.

I argued that as humans we have an innate knowing of the differences between good and bad. Others argued that we don't have this knowing. And that there truly is no difference between right and wrong or between good and evil. That as living beings, it is more dependent on our survival rather than some philosophical definition of good or bad. What may seem horrendous in a perfect world may seem perfectly justifiable in a moment of good old survival instincts kicking in. I say that if a woman ran into the room carrying her dead baby that we would all innately feel that that was a bad thing. another guy said not necessarily so; that if we hadn't eaten in three days and we saw the dead baby that we could look at it as a good thing, a gift from God even, and then we could eat the baby. Pretty crazy, but interesting stuff.

Great talk with Juliet tonight. I feel when I am speaking to her that it is very close to what it feels like communing with God; there is that kind of honesty and realness to it. no bs and no pretense. I am over my Juliet obsession phase, which is nice, but she is a soulmate. A kindred spirit. Which I like even more. I notice that as a single person that it is easy to fall victim to relating to others of the opposite sex through certain filters, rather than just seeing the person on the other side. We have to remember that the potential for that is there – to see them through this filter as the opposite sex – rather than just their inner person – and to breathe through it so we can get to the person on the other side and see them as they really are, rather than what we might want to believe is there or wish was there just because they are of the opposite sex and thus a potential mate, or bedmate at least. It’s not easy but we can do it. I am trying. I remember when I was very young I saw a very disturbing show on TV about a eunuch. This person was neither man nor woman. and she explained that she had no sexual urges whatsoever. None. She didn't relate to either sex as a potential mate. It disturbed me to end back then. I was too young to see it. it stayed with me till this day. the concept is helpful now though, looking back on the interview. One could see the benefit in that. in just seeing people as they are instead of wanting to shag every girl you see.

8-11
To me just looking at places everyday in the ads and the listings and the pictures of New York, it seems like it could get really easy to feel totally isolated and alone there sometimes. Just because it’s so big. You know? I just looked at a place in the lower east side and I swear to God I got the shivers all over my body imagining living there. so far away from everything. I think I would have to be more midtown or uptown myself. Would feel more secure for some reason. Like the park is home base. And the farther you are away from the park, the more away from everything you will feel.

Searching on google for something, I happened upon the words ‘cider house rules.’ I couldn’t remember what it was about exactly but I knew it was a movie. It was a movie that I had seen once. That had won some awards. That starred that guy who is in over a million movies, Michael Caine. I just sat there staring at the words ‘cider house rules.’ I remembered that was one of those ‘won an academy award. Must see it’ movies at one point in our lives. I looked at the date. It said 1999. I thought to myself, ‘wow. So there is it. I saw this movie. I went out of my way to rent and watch this movie at some point in my past. And now looking back, did it mean anything? Does it mean anything to me now?’ I can’t even remember what the movie was about now. what is it about our collecting things like the experience of seeing a movie that seems so important to us in our moment to moment present? And what is it about us that later forgets the entire experience? Was it important at some point? It certainly doesn’t seem important now. so the question that is begging to be answered now is, how important are a lot of these things that we do day to day that we at one time consider important? And more, what is important? In the larger picture of our lives. What is important?

I opened up Outlook and looked at my current task list. 243 items still to do. what an insanely silly workaholic I am. Make sept 11th video, finish ttv website. Research Luxemburg. Research Christian Science. Study history of Colombia. Live in Paris, learn French. Take African safari... the list goes on forever. I thought to myself, how many of these items in the bigger picture are even important? It’s a tough call. I know people who say that once they have children that it becomes the most important thing in the world to them. and as much as I can understand that emotionally, I wonder, ‘so that's it?’ Having kids is it? that's the big rainbow at the end of the tunnel? That's the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? For me personally, it has to be more.

When Cleopatra and I were together, for a time there, I thought that that was meaning enough for me; our house, our stuff, our relationship, our pet names for each other, our friends, our goals, our careers. When that ended I realized that there had to be more to it; because after all, there are plenty of single people in the world who don't have that kind of love in their life. so where is their meaning? Has to be more. and then from there you think about your family. Your parents and your brothers and sisters and all that. and as wonderful as all that is, that can’t be it either. Again, there are people who don't have any of that in their lives either. So there must be more. there has to be some deeper meaning to this life. But what it is I do not know yet.

For the last three or four days I have found myself in deep contemplation over this. not that I am trying to beat a dead horse, because Iknow I have contemplated this more than possibly anything else in my short life, but I cannot shake it. I cannot help but feel that Cleopatra and I breaking up and me selling everything I own now and having this freedom now to do whatever I please and go where ever I please is some kind of gift from the universe to find this deeper meaning. I am free. Truly free, as I have never been before. Whether or not there is an actual answer to this dilemma I do not know but I am sincerely glad right now that I have been able to escape marriage and children as of yet. Because I wouldn’t be able to give of myself fully until I come to terms with this hunger. There has to be more to our human experience than hunting and gathering and mating and collecting things. I must find the answer.

If there is a God, and I believe there is, in some form, [I'm not against the big man upstairs, just against the box that organized religious people try to put him in] then I believe that for every one of us God provides the answers we need in our lifetimes to feel whole and satisfied. I have this vision of God as a really loving generous open hearted force that guides each of us in the right direction towards what we need most in our lives. For me, I haven't found that yet. I love my music and my writing and my friends and my family, but I cannot help but feel that there has to be more to it. it is an intuitive knowing. No. Not necessarily. More like an intuitive longing. I long for the day when this yearning is fulfilled and I am at peace with a deeper understanding of why we are here and what the real meaning is. until that day, I will keep wandering and learning and searching.

Last screening: The Weather Underground. This is important. Documentary about the Weatherman. Group of revolutionaries who declared war on the American government in the sixties and seventies and blew off all these bombs all over the country as a form of protest

They said, “We are all guilty by our acqiesence of the atrocities being carried out around us and in our names.” The same could be said about us today certainly. We live our humble happy lives here at home and any number of atrocities are carried out all over the world in our names. The Iraq war is certainly an example of this. But so is that story of the employees at the Gap stores here in the States opening up a shipment of new clothes that were made in Indonesia, and “Help us” was scratched on the inside of the box. There is just no end to it. and indeed it can seem quite daunting a task to fathom how on earth we are meant to right all of the inequities going on around us.

They pointed to the dichotomous and ironic creedo that was the American way of life, the unspoken law that “all violence that is not carried out or sanctioned by the U.S. government is either criminal or mentally ill.” If our government is doing it then its o.k. If one of is doing it we are either mad or a criminal. Now we can’t be surprised or even impressed by that observation. History shows that its always been like that since we've been here and had formalized governments.

What is amazing is how different the people are today concerning the Iraq war compared to the Vietnam war thirty years ago. There is an apathy in modern America that is truly breath taking.

The loss of ideological heroes and values was so severe in the sixties that America went into shock and denial in the nineteen-seventies. And we are still there today I believe. What will shake us out of it? I don't know.

8-9
woke up early this morning to an amazing and horrifying dream. I was one of the people who had to jump off one of the twin towers in nyc. There was no way down so we were up there and we just had to jump. We could have waited but we were being engulfed by the smoke. We never once considered that we would survive the jump. It wasn't about that. it was more like having to make a choice in the moment between the fire that was about to surround us at any minute and just jumping to our deaths. I was at the ledge and there were a few others. I do not know who they were now. but in the dream they felt like real people to me; people that I knew very well. probably people from the office that I have now.

when I was just about to jump that is when I started to become cognizant that it was a dream. I told myself to try to stay in the dream for as long as I could. I have heard the theory that if you die in a dream that you will die in real life as well. right there in your bed. But I discreated that belief and I have died a few times in my dreams only to wake up from them panicking for a few minutes. So I knew that it is possible to die in one’s dreams and still survive in real life. what happens really is that you die for a brief moment and then you wake up and realize that you were only dreaming. Its traumatic indeed. But you do survive.

I stood on that ledge this morning in a complete panic but somehow in control still. In brief milliseconds I contemplated the outcome. I pictured the results of my jump. I laid there with my eyes closed trying my best to imagine what it would be like to just let go and jump off that ledge. There would be no turning back. how long would I remain conscious after jumping? Would I make it all the way to the bottom still conscious? I don't think we will ever know the answer to that question. I have heard the theories that when you jump like that, that you die of a heart attack before you land. I would hope that is true. so that is a belief that I would like to keep.

I scored a bottle of percs from Dina due to her recent surgery. She hates the way they make her feel she tells me. calls me and asks me if I want them. she was my personal assistant for a few years so she knows my affinity for them. one of the many insane duties in her charge was to try to procure them for me whenever I would get the inkling. Usually from the Internet or from doctors who would take a kickback for the script, or the occasional trip to the dentist. [there is so much to the world of rock and roll that cannot even be written about. Suffice it to say that; that for every insane or shocking thing I write about publicly, there are ten more that are totally unspeakable and truly unwritable. Put it that way.] “you know I'm always still looking out for you boss,” she sings to me over the phone after she tells me about the bottle. I love that. I just love how I manage to keep all the wonderful people in my life years and years after our paths cross and uncross.

I'm on the phone with Rockaway over the weekend and he asks me where I am. ‘dude you sound like you're in a tunnel or something.’ ‘worse man. I'm in a garbage dumpster.’ ‘you're what?’ ‘I'm in a garbage dumpster. I lost my sunglasses. And a blockbuster DVD. And a netflix DVD. I'm looking through this garbage to see if it got thrown out by mistake.’ ‘dude that sucks. How did you do that?’ ‘well, uh, I scored a bottle of percs recently and I can’t believe how many things I've been losing track of the last few days.’ we laugh hysterically. I stand up in the garbage dumpster to catch my breath from laughing so hard. ‘dude. Send me some. I wanna dig through a garbage dumpster high on painkillers.’ ‘yeah bro I know. I already thought about it. I will tomorrow. but I gotta find these DVDs man. And my favorite sunglasses. Fuck. That's the only thing I hate about painkillers. You start losing stuff.’ ‘yeah tell me about it. but you're good. you still on the half a day plan of yours?’ ‘yeah, that's all I need man. Just enough to get into the zone.’ ‘I don't know how you do it bro. if I get my hands on a bottle I'm doing four a day before I know it. gotta hand it to you.’ ‘not me man. I just like to get there and I'm cool.’ ‘how many do you have?’ ‘about thirty. I'll send you four or five if that's cool.’ ‘yeah cool. thanks. That’ll last me a weekend if I'm lucky.’ ‘well enjoy em. Nothing better.’ ‘just prepare for the fall. That's all. you gotta prepare for that. coming down. Getting the shakes. Getting depressed.’ ‘no man. I'll just switch to valium for a few days and I won't even notice.’ ‘and then when you run out of valium?’ ‘Dude. You never run out of valium.’ Laughs. ‘Great. Our singer is a junkie.’ ‘dude you think I make that shit up?’ ‘good song though. Whatever it is, keep doing it.’ ‘Thanks. You know. the cool thing about any of that stuff is going clean. its all just part of the circle of life. I mean some people they can’t do that. they label themselves a junkie or an alcoholic and then they tell themselves they have to stop using stuff forever. and I guess for them that's cool. but for me, I could just never live that way. I think all things in moderation. Don't sell yourself on the whole addict for life trip. Unless of course it works for you and then that's cool.’ ‘I hear ya brother.’ ‘so when you going clean?’ ‘c'mon man, I've been using for three days. give me a break. Let me enjoy it for a day or two man.’ ‘dude I'm just messing with ya. Just send some my way. I'll call you from my garbage dumpster!’

When I lost my voice in 2002 I went to my naturopathic doctor and brought two huge bags of everything that I thought it may have been so my doctor could muscle test me for each thing. Everything I was ingesting regularly at the time. I had already stopped eating, drinking, and smoking. so it was down to coffee, a few vitamins, and vicodin. This is true. I seriously stopped eating for weeks. fasted for days at a time and just drank green drinks. Because I was so paranoid that it was something I was eating. The plan was that he would muscle test me for everything that I was putting into my body to see what might be the cause of this horrible malady. I brought both kinds of coffee, with caffeine and without, and also organic and non-organic. The non organic caffeinated coffee was the worst. I couldn’t even lift my arm with it. pretty much the same with the decaf non organic. Thank God. because I didn't want to give up the coffee. Remarkably the organic coffee tested almost neutral. Meaning that I could drink it still if I wanted to. it didn't weaken me or strengthen me. many of the vitamins tested that they weakened my system so we threw them out right there along with the non-organic coffees. Then we get to the bottle of vicodin. What's this? he asks me holding the bottle up with this perplexed look on his face. Are you sick? No, I replied. But I take that to calm down sometimes. You take vicodin to calm down? Yeah. I mean, I have to tell you. I know it sounds weird. But I just have to get to the bottom of what's wrong with my voice so we have to test for it. I was worried that it may be that, but I didn't care what it was. I just needed my voice back. so he tells me he's sure its that. he tests me and as with a few of the vitamins, the tests indicated that it strengthens me. He is totally freaked out. he keeps trying all these different positions and angles trying to prove that it weakens me, but no matter what, it just showed that it strengthened my system. made me stronger. In fact he was amazed how strong it made me. he was completely dumbfounded. And frankly so was I, because I was sure that although it probably wasn't the cause of me losing my voice, that it was going to show that it weakened me and wasn't healthy for me. but it was the exact opposite.

He asked if he could have one to put in a test tube and try testing on his other patients. He concluded that there was something in my system that responded well to whatever chemicals were in the vicodin. That somehow it strengthened me or balanced my system out, which is what I already knew for years before that. but he was completely baffled by it because it was a drug, and an artificial chemical, and totally unnatural, and so it made no sense. But there it was. If ether of us was going to believe in this muscle testing/kinesiology theory of testing, then we had to give credence to what the tests actually showed. Crazy. That doesn’t mean that you all of sudden become a junkie or something like Rush Limbaugh or you start wandering around the streets naked and drooling like Courtney Love. But it does go to show that there is something to people self medicating however they can until they find something that works for them. and sometimes that something can be pretty weird. the body is a chemical soup. so who knows. I just always thought that moment was hilarious. When the doctor had this crazy look on his face. And the remarkable thing is that the body knows. it just knows. one minute somethings helping you and then in the next you don't want it anymore. Like now I'm not eating. Today I attempted to eat the leftover dinner from last night. but I couldn’t even get through that. in an entire day I couldn’t eat half of a meal. Its two am now and that's all I've eaten. Half of a half of a meal in two nights and one day. Crazy. but for some reason my body just doesn’t want food. But I think that's cool. I'm not even worried about it. its so hot outside it makes sense. The body just knows what it needs if you listen.

Online checking prices to Italy. I don't know why but I got it back. this bug to go spend a few days at least.

Met with /God what do I call him/? I forget. Anyway, me and rockaway have been talking about expanding the label to include more artists. That was Sunday. He tells me it’s a good idea. And Monday Jim calls me and asks if I'll release his band’s next CD on our label. Talk about a sign from the universe. Crazy. I want to start releasing lots of artist who I love on our label but I have to get our stuff out there and successful first. That has to be my primary goal.

MANILA, Philippines (AP) -- Four members of a family have been arrested and charged with murder for allegedly killing and eating a relative during a wedding reception -- and serving his flesh to unwitting party guests, police have said.

Now that's a wedding.

8-8
Bas finally graduated from college. This was a huge achievement for him; and for Cleopatra and me. he had been working on it for about six or seven years. I felt a deep sense of pride and satisfaction from it, since I had been his main supporter along with Cleo for all of these years. this was my way of making up for the fact that I never had that same support from my own family by the time we hit the college years and thus I was never able to finish myself. So it was important to make sure that Bas finished no matter what. I was bit older than he was and was able to make it happen. it was a phenomenal feeling. Just can’t describe it. just an awesome feeling. Another achievement completed.

I'm on the phone with a realtor in Tucson az talking about investing there. you cannot believe how cheap real estate is there. a three bedroom home for 100. in Miami that would cost 300. in New York it would cost a million.

Drinking a mojito at a café in the middle of the afternoon. Thank God for them. I think I'm starting to need alcohol. At this time. mojitos at least. It’s funny. I never much got into alcohol before. always been too much of a workaholic to be an alcoholic, so to speak. Never liked the way it slows you down the next few days. well that's not true entirely. I've gone through my stages of extreme alcoholism, back in college and on the road. I think that's mandatory, but somehow I always pull out with no problem. like my body is not prone to being addicted to it, which is made all the more strange because I come from a long line of alcoholics on my fathers side. But it never got to me. I can drink as much as I want to for a few weeks or months and then just wake up one day and stop drinking for years. I like how it calms me down these days. I can just sit and have a drink while I work. I am amazed by wireless technology now around American cities. I can walk around with this laptop and log onto the Internet anywhere I go just by opening her up. and with the cell phone, well, you can pretty much work a full day anywhere with just your briefcase and nothing more. we don't even need desks or offices anymore.

In other news, we have nailed down a studio to record our new album. Up in the woods in Indiana. More later. But no national booking agency.

Thinking of going to Paris in sept. and then to parma, Italy to do more research.

It finally happened. After two years I found Calvin Klein slim-fit black jeans. Button fly, black label. The best fitting black jeans in the world. Seriously. as hard to believe as that is, they arrived today. two pairs. I found this dealer up in Brooklyn who found a way to order them. Discontinued forever, there are only one hundred pairs left in the entire world, at the calvin Klein corporate factory. Once they're gone they're gone. They fit like a dream. Lena had been searching for years for me and was unsuccessful. I told her that one day I would find them and show her that anything is possible if you try hard enough. It took me two years. Well there it is.

8-7-04
Whereas before my thinking and feeling always revolved around melody and lyrics, now it is more about rhythms and song structure. Always been a good tunesmith. Could pull melodies out of thin air without ceasing. That's a gift. That has nothing to do with how good you are. You're just born with it. but good songwriting structure, being able to create sick music, that's something you work at. Bands like zep or metallica or rush or queen come to mind. Foo fighters, forget about it, Dave is a monster at it. he took Foo fighters where nirvana could have gone if Kurt wasn't so fucked up. the song structure itself. What it sounds like. How the rhythm works underneath the melody and backing instrumentation. This is new to me. it was always about plugging in and playing along to the song on your instrument. Alright, good take man. Now its about ‘plug in, and stay there till you write the sickest most unique part we've ever heard.

Bloopy explaining the other day how more and more bands are doing that now because songwriting-wise everyone is still writing the same songs over and over again. [not every one. we’re generalizing here. think of beck or the beasties. They're on a different plane entirely as far as how they write. Its from another planet and of course they aren't the only ones. They're lots of cats out there creating songs from a totally different place than the standard.] but for the most part, with rock and pop anyway, its still chords on a guitar or a piano. Think of all the power pop bands or all the alterna-rock bands or all the emo bands. Same old same old. But what has changed is the way the bands are creating the rhythms underneath it all. think of rage. Or think of mercury rev or mum or Sigur ross; same old songs, but a totally unique approach to the sound of it. Jeff and wilco are starting to go there too now on their new albums. Unique approaches. But I'm even talking about going one or two steps beyond all of that. to break the boundaries of contemporary sonics in popular music so its totally fresh ---think Janet Jackson’s music --- and yet don't go so far out that you lose the actual song, such is the case with beck sometimes. Out of this world production, but where's the fucking song? But that's only sometimes. His last two albums, have really been more song oriented. His last one. what a monster. Some deep shit. But then he switched to standard production. Too bad.

As the stallion says, ‘gotta do it, gotta do it.’

8-06
We went out tonight to see a bunch of bands play here in town. went to the billabong club, a seedy hole in the wall pool hall in the middle of nowhere on the other side of the tracks. They don't even have a stage, but they let bands set up and play for the fans, and in this non-scene that is South Florida, that's something. Everyone was there. for a brief moment it felt like the old days. seeing people we haven't seen in years. all the different singers and musicians. This band psycho daisies will do that in the scene. They’ve been around forever. have this cult mystique about them. at one point their bass player died and his girlfriend ended up taking over on bass. Things like that. just over the top infamy. So when they play everyone shows up.

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted the Squirrel, who I had not seen in years. usually whenever she sees me she runs. Many years ago she had this idea in her mind that the Wolf and I had put a curse on her. seriously. I don't even know how people come up with some of their ideas. But anyway, she would always run from me in public whever she would see me and honestly it caused me great frustration and trauma. It just didn't vibe with my overly social nature. I couldn’t make it fit that she felt this way about me since we had been so close for some time. I had always been one of her biggest fans and very supportive. But there it was for years. so for some time I had always just tried to be polite and whenever I saw her in public I would just try to avoid her so as not to cause her any upset.

This night was no different. I saw her and my whole body cringed. Great, squirrels here. man I hope she doesn’t freak out and start screaming and make a scene, as she is prone to do sometimes. An hour later I'm standing at the bar and she starts coming at me. I freeze. But instead she smiles and says to me ‘I'm really sorry for how I have treated you the last few years. I was just really sick and I'm all better now. it wasn't you. and I hope you know that.’ and then she hugs me. I hug her back and before I know it I'm crying. And then she's crying. And its this sob fest. I just let out all this pain from the experience of all of that that I was hanging on to. it was awesome.

Bought a new laptop. But that's not the point. My old laptop was a little over a year old and smoked. A true desktop replacement. But carrying it around on my back all the time, all 8.7 pounds of her, was too much. I didn't need a new one. But I wanted one. Something super-light and super-small. A sleek and powerful machine that I could carry around like more of a notebook. so I shopped around, did the research. I wasn't married to dell. In fact I hated dell for outsourcing tech support to India. Not because I'm against outsourcing to foreign countries, because I'm not. Outsourcing to foreign countries is an inevitability of the global economy, and in the end I believe going to be a good thing for us all. In fact outsourcing to foreign countries is the only chance America has at remaining the superpower that it is. The democrats running on the “we’ll bring your old jobs back to America” ticket is bullshit and they know it as much as the rest of us do. American doesn’t need its old jobs back; we need new jobs. If people are so against outsourcing to foreign countries, take off all your gold, return your nike shoes, stop shopping at the gap, don't use pencils, or any other office supplies, stop going to home depot because everything in there is made in some foreign country. forget about it. globalization is here. yes it sucks for the workers here who are getting laid off, but we have to find the next place where we fit in, we can’t be trying to force our tongue into some chicks mouth who doesn’t like us. Lets put it this way; we've been evicted. Its time to move on.

We have to rise up to our potential as a working people and innovate new industries where we can find new jobs. That's the sad truth. And for all the older folk out there who are fretting that, we hear you, and we feel your pain. we’re with you. and we’re all going to try to help. But lets face it. its done. Every major company in America has moved its business and factories and phone rooms overseas. No I don't hate dell or Sony or amex or cisco or linksys or bestbuy or anyone else for outsourcing because I'm against globalization; I hate them because the service sucks ass overseas. These idiots are years behind us in customer service. That's why we can get away with paying them so little. They don't even know how to answer the phone, let alone have a conversation with an American, and forget about solving our problems. So dell was history to me. I was looking to move on. Find a new laptop company to give my money to. what were the choices? Migrate over to mac? Still might. Always the temptation, but the learning curve always puts me off. And besides, I am totally married to my PDA and i need to be able to hotsynch a few times a day. I don't know what that's going to be like with mac. [Any suggestions?] So the choices were Sony vaio, cool looking machines with built in cameras? Love it. or ibm thinkpads. Solid machines. And then there’re a bunch of the smaller players .. if you’re just looking for a good deal. But that wasn't my thing. I was looking for a wife, not a mistress. I'm on my laptop up to fourteen hours a day. I sleep with it for gods sake. I wanted my next wife to be fast, sexy, good to me, easy to use, clean, comfortable, great features, a real looker, skinny and lightweight, and more than anything else, reliable and dependable and easy to fix. if I had a problem with her I wanted it fixed right there that day or the next, no questions asked. No bullshit hidden rules guidelines or fine print. No taking it to comp usa. No sending it in for repair. Just get my baby working again. After checking on technical support and repair options with all the major companies, dell was the only one who offered me that choice. for an extra two hundred bucks I received unlimited lifetime tech support and a one hundred percent warranty on the machine. I could throw that baby off a bridge into a river and they guarantee that they’ll be there the next day fishing her out and getting her working again. When I protested having to talk to the idiots in India who know less about dell computers than my mom does, and my good old mom knows next to nothing about computers, they said ‘fine, we’ll give you Gold tech support. We’ll guarantee we’ll answer your call within two minutes or less every time and we’ll give you a special number where your calls are routed to a VIP room with top rated technicians in Texas. No overseas calls for you. no India, no Philippines, not even Canada for you. Only America. Of course this was an extra eighty bucks, but fucking a, that's unbelievable. Hard to believe. So I can just break this thing now and tomorrow you'll come out here and fix it? yep. Good things. of course the irony that we now have to pay extra to speak with customer service reps in our own country did not escape me. what have we come to? a strange place in deed.

Well wouldn’t you know it, two days after my new baby arrives ---a slick beauty weighing in at only 4 pounds, no bigger than an inch around the waist, 1.8 ghz speed, a full gig of ram, cdwriter, DVD burner, built in Bluetooth and wireless, what a beauty indeed --- but the screen breaks. Lcd goes bad. Sure enough the next day some guy is at my office with a new screen. Unbelievable. So they weren't fooling around.

So what's the lesson? Brothers and sisters its simple. Success in the new global economy where anyone can do what you do three months after you start doing it and chances are they’ll find some way to do it better and faster and cheaper, customer service is the new quality. Its all going to come down to customer service now. quality anyone can do. but customer service is going to determine the winners and survivors now.

Now I will ramble incoherently for a brief time. good time to take a pee break if you have to.

Take Amazon for instance. Can’t get much better customer service than what they have set up there in the last few years.

You see a movie. You hear a song you like in the film. You don't know who it is. you go to Amazon.com. you look up the movie soundtrack. You sample all the tracks from the movie. You buy the soundtrack CD with one click and it shows up at your house. or perhaps you only want that song so you double click on itunes, type in that song title and with one click you purchase it. You now own that song and can listen to it on your computer all you want. All this in less than two minutes (I clocked it). The song in question was hands of time by groove armada. SICK. I’m talking SICK fucking song. In less than a minute more, I sampled a few other tracks from the CD on itunes, clicked back over to Amazon.com, and purchased every groove armada album they carried, along with all the Nick Drake CDs they had.

This is why itunes is winning the game. This is why Amazon is winning the game. Are there other places to buy music on the Internet? Sure there are. But none better or even close Amazon in features and usability. Remember cdnow.com? Amazon bought them. Virgin mega stores website? Nothing but a front for Amazon. They own the market. Will they forever? Don't know. that's a few paragraphs below. but just for fun though, look at the chart below. Amazon’s five year stock history. Its fascinating. The crash of 2000 in bold clear lines. From a high of 98 to a low of 5.50 in a matter of a year. Our survival through the last four years, albeit through overextending on credit and deflated interest rates, is a testament to all of us and our determination not to fail. Now we have to work twice as hard for half as much. Well unless you're tom cruise. Hey did anyone see Collateral? Cool flick. Not a movie really, certainly not a film, but a cool flick nonetheless.

[O.k. the point before we forget? Music. God I cannot stop listening to this groove armada song. It just makes me so happy! music. it just makes us so happy. I picture being out on stage with my boys. Playing and singing and smiling. I miss playing so much right now. o.k. that wasn't really the point. But I had to.]

Onward:

O.k. where was I? Yes,
Now when you find something laying around the house, you don't think salvation army; you think eBay. And sure enough. See that new PDA in aluminum alloy that you just gotta have? but what will you do with the one you just bought six months ago? Easy. EBay. I never worry about buying technology if I want it, because if I don't want to give my current gadget away to someone I love, then I know I can just sell it on eBay and get good bank for it. this is the wonderful world we live in.

Think of things like e-checks and online bill paying. We receive notification of a bill via email in our inbox. We click a button on the screen, transfer to a site, type in a few passwords, and hit Pay. The bill is paid. this is one of those situations where first one out of the gate wins the race. paypal was the first to go big with online money transfer. Not a brilliant idea. Anybody could have thought of it and everybody did. it was a dire need we had as consumers. But they were the first to cross the finish line. eBay is another great example of this. so is yahoo.

Ferret and Cleopatra and I call this the opening game, referring to chess, whenever we talk about business, which we used to do obsessively. Cleo and I sill talk about business all the time. whenever we get a chance. The opening game theory is the one I described above. A lot of companies win that way. but that doesn’t mean you will succeed in the long run.

8-5
Got together with the guys tonight to rehearse new songs for the new CD. have about five songs worked out really well. but some of them we are just still so lost as to trying to nail the songs down in their purest form. Bloopy protested one of my songs at one point and I am so not used to that. there has always been this invisible line where we don't cross. For ten years its just been a given that I write the songs and there they are as I walked in with them except for arrangements and beginnings and endings. So at first I was dumbstruck, but then I listened and realized that if we are going to make what we really want to make, something that transcends, something that reaches the level we all want, a level we have never reached before, then I am going to have to open up and listen. He's a young genius who speaks very little, so I listen when he speaks. His own songs are like mini-operas. And I want that operatic quality to this new CD. it feels like this is bound to be the album that never was. Like the beach boys smile. We are encountering innumerous scheduling conflicts and personal problems within the band that seem insurmountable. But we do have a good start.

Talking about really breaking the songs down to their core and creating our parts like never before, as opposed to the Jackson Pollock style we usually allow ourselves; where everything is just free and we lay down whatever we want to and let it sit however it sits. Nothing is cohesive was laid down that way. Totally not how we want this new CD to come out. this one will take a lot of time and attention.

-----------------------------------

The key is to let go and stop looking for the answers. This is a big life. and the answers are going to constantly be changing. Noticing how much I want to create answers rather than just let go. I am living; and the whole time, in every minute, every second, there is the narrator voice cataloguing each event. Trying to make sense of it. trying to box it all in. figuring it all out. but underneath it all I am seeing that it is not important. Today is a day and tomorrow will be another day. and what more is there than that?

Supplement: pregnenlone, the mother of all hormones. Try it. you’ll be surprised.

Current spin: saliva. Metallica. Smashing pumpkins, adore. Nice album. Tender moments in there. never a Billy corgan fan. not yet. but I enjoy this CD.

Last screening: Philadelphia story with Cary grant. Mona Lisa smile.

8-3
I was just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round. So many thoughts. Good thoughts. Bad thoughts. Normal everyday thoughts. Sometimes watching your thoughts feels like a roller coaster. Up and down and all around and back again. All of a sudden I got another thought. And it was something like this: ‘these are just thoughts. None of this is real.’ And then, ‘well then, what is real?’ if this isn't real, then what is?’

8-4
two men at a restaurant start talking to me. Are you famous? No. c'mon man, we recognize you from somewhere. who are you? tell us. I am a singer in a rock band. I told him you were a singer. My friend says you might be a gigolo. Laughs. and he knows a lot of famous gigolos? More laughs. no but you know maybe you are an actor. No sorry. More of a gigolo actually. Your friend was right. not much a difference there. How's that? Between a singer and a gigolo. Laughs.

and then we start talking more about real estate, an extreme sport I am very passionate about. As soon as someone at the table mentioned rich dad poor dad we were all high fiving and introducing ourselves. Talked for a good hour or so. They live in Tucson. Confirmed what my research had already shown that Tucson is a sure-fire hot spot for quick appreciation and easy buys. The stock market sucks now. everyone is scratching their heads over the impossibility of trying to make money there right now. even the underground analysts, whose newsletters I subscribe to more than one or two. Even they, usually very confident and always bragging about the double digit profits they can make you, are sending emails now saying, “we give up, don't know what to tell you, don't know what to recommend. Get out now take your cash and sit on it.” Which is fine if you're rich. But if you're trying to make money, that advice doesn’t help too much. But there's still money to made in this over-inflated credit hungry over extended market. But you have to know where to put your money. New York is out. Miami is out. all the big cities are out. to over valued. Ready for a correction. I spent about six months researching and came up with about six regions that still had the potential for enormous growth potential. Tucson was number one on my list. These guys tell me they are buying in Tucson at pre-con for a thousand dollars down and flipping for twenty percent profit six months later. Good to know. next stop, Tucson.

8-2
Last screening: some kind of monster. Metallica movie. Almost like an acid trip for elementary school kids. You’re just on this trip with the guys. through their ups and downs. Through the recording and the ego trips and the therapy and all. nothing really too hairy; knowing a bit about being in a rock band ourselves we found that it comes across like someone stripped all the good parts out of it and just left the really normal mainstream TV type stuff. too bad because a real documentary about the guys would be great. Something with all the juicy parts left in would have been much better. But this is like watching your parents fight at dinner. Real white glove. All the guys including their therapist and producer bob rock, come off like such pussies, But you have to appreciate that. appreciate where they are, and what they were trying to do by dealing with their problems in a constructive manner, rather than a destructive way. You do walk away with this profound appreciation for the music that they make, and for them as musicians. I have never been a metallica fan. I don't own any albums and when their music has come on the radio over the last twenty years I have always run to turn it off. Beav always used to listen to it in his room and I would always scream to him to shut his door. We’d have music wars between our two bedrooms. My Prince and U2 albums versus his metallica and yngwie malmstein albums. I can’t call up the other guys in the band and say c'mon lets go check out the new metallica movie. They're just not going to be into it. they look at me like I'm crazy. but you know, I'm digging into it now. going somewhere else. totally different musically. Lars is just a fucking monster on his instrument.

I'm telling the guys, ‘this fucking band is spending months perfecting each song. Working it all out, creating fucking operatic masterpieces, and we’re still strumming chords on our guitars. We have to learn from them. there's something to this.”

Called the guys and we talked for a few hours about the new album we are recording. And how the hell are we going to get all that together into one cohesive package.... we want to find a way to bring it all together. Because half the songs are totally over the top heavy rock --- which is going to be a real shock to fans and we know that – and then some of them are the more old style that we have been doing lately, more brit pop I guess. Like pure brit pop. I am trying to get there. to that purity. You know how flaming lips gets there sometimes? Where the song is just out there. just pure song. And of course I am dying to let it all go and create something completely orchestral, more noise oriented, and atmospheric.... but everyone around me is still like ‘ please no, not now...’ But I have this very strong urge to make some heavy music like I've never made before. Just to really go all the way into it. I'm like “guys if we could mix this whole linkin park, rage against the machine, Foo fighters, metallica thing I've been into [that's the prob though is that the guys aren't into that sound yet... at all... only me] with the music that we normally make... with our whole modern rock/brit pop thing...” and they're all like ‘dude what the hell are you talking about? We don't make music like that! we don’t even listen to music like that!” but luckily Infinito does listen to music like that. so its cool. and Bloopy is going through a big nirvana phase now. so they're into it. Me and Bloopy talking about all of us and we’re all in such different places musically. Vancouver is going through a Billy Joel and cardigans phase so that's just totally out there for us now and for what's going on in modern music. and rockaway is just starting to get into the whole Jet hives thing. but that sound is already totally overplayed and its cool but you don't want to actually make music like that NOW. So I don't have an interest in making it myself, even though I dig it. but I don't see any reason for us to explore it. as a fan I would love to hear Rufus wainright phoenix and Caetano Veloso meets u2 Radiohead and coldplay meets metallica linkin park and Foo fighters. That would be sick. Like Broadway meets Britpop meets Metal. That would be it. that's what the new CD is going to sound like if its possible.

I don't want people to always be down on us because we change our sound so much. I worry about that. I worry about our three fans not knowing who we are or what we are all about because every album changes so much. But I don't think we can do anything about it. we’re all just so eclectic with our tastes constantly changing all the time. I for one get super-bored with any one style of music for too long. that's why I don't like concerts too much; I just get too bored too easily. Hopefully the fans will be able to keep up with it and actually appreciate where we’re at and what we’re trying to do as artists.

Current spin: St. Anger, metallica. I love it. I'm like an addict right now to this sound. I just never knew how to get into it. I never understood this music before. I'm starting to understand it. just always turned me off because of the overt lack of melody and harmony. All rhythm and grunting... but I get it now. also Saliva, back into the system. survival of the sickest is a great track. good polished neo-grunge.

8-1
Last screening: the last samurai with tom cruise. Hello?! This movie ROCKED!!! Tom is fucking great in this film as always. He's one hundred percent.

It is five am and I cannot keep my eyes open. I must sleep. But I will take some notes before I do because I was inspired by the movie. I was reminded that as the Jews of Europe were innocently slaughtered by the millions in world war two, they were praying the whole time. And as the Chinese government murdered the Tibetans for their own selfish profit and gain and burned down over fifty percent of their monasteries, the Tibetans were a devoutly religious people who were praying the whole time as well. Of course we know where that got them. We only need look to the highly spiritual Native American peoples and their unfortunate demise in the face of the barbaric Europeans (supposed puritans) who conquered the Americas to see clearly the error in depending on a God or a faith for our survival. Success on earth has always come about through brute force, strength, military might, and money; not through prayer or faith or being kind or honest or generous or a good person. If anything, these practices and characteristics, regardless of how noble they are or how devoutly attached some of us are to them, have always worked against the innocent and enlightened among us. As a people we enjoy glorifying noble people once they are dead or fictionalized. But we rarely allow them to live too long.

It is a distinctly human phenomenon that I have begun to call the myth of faith – this belief that God is on our side if we do the right thing or try to be spiritual or good or religious. When we are young and still growing, it is preached to us; how important it is to believe in God, to have faith, to pray, to be good people, to be kind and honest and generous. But as we get older and study our history we are soon struck by the inconsistencies in these teachings as to they relate to what has actually transpired on the earth since we have been here. How indeed it has always been the strongest and the cruelest and the richest of us who have won the battles, and shaped the world we have lived in. It has never been the most devout, or the kindest, or the gentlest, or the most honest or the most religious.

And even if it has been at times the most religious who have won the wars and controlled the events of history, as was the case with the roman empire’s clutch on western civilization, or the Muslim domination through the latter half of the first millennia ad, or the Christian slaughter of the Americans, the most religious has never equaled the most righteous or the purest or the nicest. In other words, it is rare that a people who have dominated in the name of their religion have ever embodied much of the teachings of that religion in their practices, especially not in their business of trying to take over the world.

When we think of the winners of the great battles that have shaped the world into what it is today, whether we are thinking of Julius Caesar, or Alexander the great, or Napoleon or the catholic Church/Roman Empire, or Mohamed and his loyal band of Muslim freedom fighters who conquered half of Europe, or the Christian Crusaders who took much of it back, or the European settlers who murdered entire populations of indigenous peoples in their quest to conquer the continent of America, we can clearly see that it has never been the morals and values of our youth that have helped guide these victories. [Spain and Portugal murdered over one hundred and fifty million native peoples in south and north America. England and Holland another fifty million in north America. That's 200 million innocent people murdered by people most of us can still call our ‘ancestors.’] It has always been the secular qualities of sheer force, brute strength, and having more money than the defeated that has enabled these victories. God and religion have never played into it, even though God and religion are almost always used as a driving force or a justification or a reason to go to battle in the first place.

The myth of faith has always been used as a calling card for the victorious. And at the same time it has always served as a means of comfort and consolation for the defeated. When the barbarians win their wars, regardless of the pain and suffering that was inflicted on the millions defeated, one can always hear the triumphant rallying cry that God is on their side. And on the other side of the token, God has always been used as the source of comfort for the innocent defenders as well; the weak and trampled upon have always thought that God is just and that he will bring truth and justice to the cause. But he never has. It’s always just been about strength and money. if God has ever been on any side --- if one is to equate God with any measure of fate or destiny--- it has been the other side --- the side of strength and money. Whoever is the strongest or the most forceful and domineering. I guess that goes with the whole survival of the fittest theory. Which again, has nothing to do with God or religion but purely to do with secular humanism and evolution theory.

We the innocent are always going to be left in shock by the horrors of the guilty among us. And we the enlightened will always be taken by surprise by the cunning and brutality of the barbarians that have lived among us since we can remember. How many of us can remember the first time as children when we discovered someone had lied or was lying to us. I remember it clearly myself. I was young and in complete shock. I knew people lied; I caught myself lying myself on occasion. But I never thought people just blatantly lied. I never would have believed as a young person that you could get two or three kids in a room with two or three adults and that someone could or would look someone else right in the face and just blatantly lie. I was in shock. I felt as if I was looking evil right in the face. “O.k.” I thought “so this is totally fucked up. this person is lying right now. I have no chance here because lying is possible.” The truth can be played with and it isn't after all something that we can count on... I took the teachings of our youth and the religion that was drummed into our small brains at the time, the Christian religion for me, very seriously. like all kids, I thought it was gospel. I thought there was a God and that God was good and that God wanted other people to be good and that he would be mad if someone was not good. this is what I was taught.

I soon learned through the school of life that this was not the case. If there was a God, and there may still be, who knows, but I noticed very soon growing up that this God did not care about how good or bad a person was. If he did, he certainly didn't make this known to us here on earth. As much as our schools and churches and parents wanted us to believe it, we could clearly see growing up that it just wasn't the case. The strong always won. The rich always controlled the events of history. And the good just dealt with it however they could. God played no part. [this is clearly where the ‘afterlife’ theories such as heaven or nirvana stem from that are so prevalent in almost all human religions. If God isn't going to do anything now to protect the good and innocent or punish the wicked barbarians, he will surely do something about it after we die. a comforting and convenient theory surely, but not very helpful to us here now.]

This unspoken truth about God and truth and being good is what the strong and powerful and ‘in control’ among us know that the rest of us don't. they understand the real code of humanity. The code of might makes right and survival of the fittest. The good guy wins in the movies. The strong, rich, and powerful win in the real world.

I believe that at this point in our evolution that if we the innocent and enlightened are to have any chance of survival here in the future, that it is time for us, perhaps just for a brief time, to put down our search for God, and our allegiance to the morals and values that we associate with this God. and to focus on our spirit and our strength as humans. We are the only ones who still believe in the myth of God. The leaders, the rulers, the powers that be, understand much better than we do that might makes right. While we pray, they profit. While we attempt to help and save those around us, they murder. We search for truth, and they blatantly lie; the whole time using God as their calling card. When Galileo was imprisoned for telling the truth it was the catholic church that put him there. when the black people were enslaved and murdered for hundreds of years in the Americas, it was the Christians who were doing it. when Israel bombs Palestinian houses and villages, it is devoutly religious Jewish people doing it. and of course when bombs go off in Israeli cafes killing innocent people, it is religious Muslims doing the bombing. And when innocent Americans are being murdered and beheaded in Iraq it is the Muslims who are doing it. religious people. doing the killing in the name of their God. So who are the barbarians among us today? and who are the enlightened?

So the question that is begging for an answer here is this one: if this God of man’s religions is so easily used and manipulated by the evil and barbaric, who and where is the God of the enlightened? Has he ever existed? And if not, will he ever exist? Could we create him eventually?

And now for a brief commercial break:

7-30
went to a fabulous party tonight celebrating the launch of a friends new shoe line. thirtieth floor of a posh tower on Brickel with the most amazing view of the ocean on one side and the city on the other. Reminded me of why we like Miami so much sometimes. There was this girl there. she was great. We got on well immediately. It was like a movie. We’re getting married on Monday. A few girls there who were vehement readers of the transcendence diaries. “Hiiiii Fiiiishy,” holding out their hands. “We love your diaries.” “thanks.” “I have to log on every Monday at work to see what's going on.” “To see what crazy thing you're going to say next...” “Fishy. Is all that stuff true that you write about?” “Yep. It sure is. Except for the parts I make up...” they look at me kind of funny.

Great talk with the stallion today. good kid. gave me some good advice on moving to nyc. Thinking of just heading up to sublet for a while. find a place easier. Although we were once a non-couple, or something; never quite sure what we were, we are now finding a common ground based on our mutual admiration for one another and becoming friends. Its cool.

the irony of our situation does not escape us. we met at a black tie affair for the arts. Were seated straight across from one another. I found her to be so beautiful the first time that I laid eyes on her that I could not look at her in the eye. Have you ever had that happen before? I was just too blown away by her physical beauty. She didn't look at me much either. I bonded with her boyfriend and did my best to be a gentleman and not stare at her. or at least not get caught staring at her. later I learned she did the same thing. Six months later we met again on the Internet and fell madly in love only discovering later that we were one and the same people from the party. Serendipity at its most sublime. Although we had the best sexual experiences I had ever had when we were together ---the stallion is a true goddess. Something other worldly about her sexual prowess. She could give lessons in it. But that would be too low for her. she could be worshipped for it. Like a deity of sex. She's that sensual, that skilled, that passionate. ---anyway, there were a few things that prevented us from carrying our brief obsession any further. For one thing, she drank instant coffee in the morning. Which I found terribly distasteful. She didn't like to wear perfume which I found terribly unromantic. And she used the word dildo. Which I found terribly nauseating. When I protested and politely asked her to refrain from such language in my presence, as any person does who is guided by a sincere set of shallow double standards that he was obviously raised with and just never bothered to take a look at or acknowledge as a grown adult in the world, she came at me protesting herself that she enjoyed using the word dildo and that she in fact thought it was a cute word. She then uttered the word ‘cock’ and asked if I was next going to ask her not to use that word either. At which point I immediately made my way to the door, never to see her again. Yes my friends, call me a fool. But I've done worse.

There was the story of Little Havana. We met one fine day when she interviewed to be my new personal assistant. I fell for her immediately as I do with all women who interview with me, but felt like she was definitely not in the running to be my new assistant. She made some comment like “so what? I'm like the person who does all the shit that you don't want to do?” so she didn't get the job. But she was sexy as hell. I thought of her often. I was advised my the Ferret and the Tortoise both being upstanding attorneys who were only looking out for my best interest that I should indeed never call on her socially for fear of being sued for some strange sexual harassment twist.. who knew what could happen. better to play it safe they advised me. so I never called.

A few weeks later we met again coincidentally at a concert I was giving.. coincidence? Who knows... but as soon as I got off stage I showed her a piece of paper I still carried in my pocket with her name and number on it over a month later. I told her we must go out. she agreed and invited me to her apartment that evening. actually she told me over a few shots of tequila later that evening that ‘I'm not going to fuck you.” which I later learned in ‘Latin girl talk’ means that ‘I want to fuck you. I'm going to fuck you. and if I do you better not think I'm a slut because I've already told you that I'm not going to fuck you. So if we do end up fucking, its not something I normally ever do because I'm a good girl but I just got caught up in the moment...’ something like that anyway. I'm still learning the ways of the Latin girls. Very different than the American girls who usually just grab you and start making out with you and don't say anything at all. or the Italian girls who just grab your crotch and jam their tongue down your throat. But that's a different story.

So I go to Little Havana’s apartment at about four-thirty in the morning. Before I know it, we both have our shirts off and we’re making out on her couch. We take a breather and I look down at her necklace I believe and I make some comment that it would look great with a pair of diamond earrings. She looks at me and says ‘I don't know who you think I am, but I'm not no fucking Princess... I drink beer and shit.’ In shock, I paused for a moment and then got up, grabbed my shirt, and said that I had to leave. When I got home the Tree who was visiting at the time asked me how it was. I told him the story and he freaked out saying that I was insane. Now of course I already knew that. but I explained to him that not only did she use the word ‘shit,’ but she also used a double negative. I was so turned off that I couldn’t possibly see staying there for another minute. Of course this furthered the cause of all the rumors of my insanity. Letters received from all over the world contesting my decision. “Dear Fishy, How the hell could you be so stupid to have a naked girl underneath you and decide in the very heat of the moment to get up and leave because of her grammar, good or bad?” Well I for one just had always felt that good grammar was quite the aphrodisiac. Little did I know I was so outnumbered.

Now as it turns out, much to the pleasure of my constituency, I did manage to force myself to see little Havana a few more times after that, because quite frankly she just was that sexy. we had sex in my closet once standing up against this antique Italian full length mirror while some friends waited for us out in the living room. We watched the whole thing as it transpired right through to the very end. It was fucking fantastic. I will never forget that morning. So my hat off to her for all time. She lives in infamy in my museum of recollections. We are still friends. Although probably not after this piece. Don't be mad if you ever read this.

So the morals of the stories just presented? God I have no fucking clue. But good times indeed.

Last screening: Signed up for CNN Newspass. If you travel a lot and don't always have access to TV, its great. You can watch live and taped videos of most news reports, shows, and speeches, etc. five bucks a month lets you access their archives or catch up to the minute news on video on your laptop. http://www.cnn.com/video

Current spin: Foo fighters, one by one. fucking amazing still. phoenix, alphabetical. Not as good as the first, but still groovy. Also, thanks to father Bloopy, Parachute by the Pretty Things. interesting seventies psychedelic.

7-29
I am in my usual Cuban bar. Having just recently moved here to sobe, this is the place that comes the closest to home. Smoking a Cuban, writing, and drinking a mojito. When I first showed up here a few weeks ago, whipped out my laptop, threw it up on the table, ordered a drink, and started madly pounding away, stogies dangling out of my mouth, I don't think the Latinos knew what to make of this strange gringo who sits in the corner by himself. What the hell is he doing with that computer? Is he like a spy or something? they once charged me $25 for a cappuccino. I thought perhaps to frighten me away. This was about two weeks ago. I politely approached the manager, in Spanish of course, ‘hey what's up guys? Great cappuccino and all but I was wondering why it was $25? Isn't that a lot for a cappuccino? Perhaps it was a mistake?’ they assured me that it was indeed the right amount, surprisingly enough, but that they would spot me a few drinks on the house for the inconvenience. And remarkably I haven't been charged for a drink since, and I come here every night. Go figure. Only in Miami.

I have my own table now. In the corner. I'm greeted like an old friend. I sit for hours and smoke and write and drink. Bands come on and off the stage. Various patrons come and go. and no one notices me in the corner. The place is packed tonight. A truly sick afro Cuban band plays salsa and meringue and standards; drums congas bass and piano. There are a few couples dancing around the room like crazy. and up on TV is John Kerry delivering his acceptance speech to the democratic convention. Or as the TV actually reads here in this club in Miami: DISCURSO DE ACCEPTION DE John Kerry. Of course his speech is actually being dubbed in Spanish. And I am thinking to myself, ‘what a crazy place. where else can you sit in a public place and type on your laptop, smoking a cigar, drinking mojitos, while a live Cuban band plays meringue, couples are dancing salsa, and John Kerry is on TV giving a speech dubbed in Spanish? Man this is one crazy place. it is truly a world unto itself.

Current spin: brmc. Great album. Really cool. reminds me of Jesus and Mary chain, love and rockets, the stooges. But its still new and cool. a lot of comparisons to this from critics regarding the sleep with you album. Coming from the same schools with that one I guess.

7-28
Watching the democratic national convention every day on the Internet. Caught up a bit tonight till about 4 in the morning actually, watching everyone deliver their speeches. Dare I say I almost feel hopeful? I guess compared to what we have now, even the democrats seem inspiring.

Later in the day, I'm in the office and everyone is abuzz about the speeches the last few days. Al Sharpton and Bill Clinton and of course jimmy carter are the speeches that are the most brought up. People cannot stop talking about them. the republicans may have stolen the white house, but they don't have many current heroes to speak of unfortunately. Except John mccain, who of course is a hero and should be joining up anyday. Hehe. Old guard. Old tricks. Old hat. No one that people look up to in their party anymore now that Reagan passed on. but the democrats on the other hand.... if you're a young idealist patriotic American or even just a ultra-concerned-liberal citizen of the world, the democratic party offers so many heroic visionaries and leaders. Bill and Hillary are basically rock stars now, for better or worse. All the guys in the office were on the Internet researching to see if Clinton could serve again. They were actually on the Internet researching the constitution. [we looked it up: he cannot run again for president. Congress passed an amendment in the fifties limiting it to two terms max because of FDR getting elected four times consecutively. BUT Zeke reminds me that he CAN run for VP under someone else just to grab another eight years if he or we wanted him to. Let us hope it never comes to that. [as we well remember, even though I volunteered for his election campaign as a bright-eyed young college kid, the minute he got on TV and lied I was one of the first to jump on the ‘o.k. impeach that fucker’ band wagon. I have no tolerance for liars, unless perhapswe’re talking about matters of national security. Other than that, get the hell out of dodge pal.] I think there are probably plenty of guys who can do just as good of a job or even better. But boy what a speech he delivered. It was spellbindingly to the point and coherent and intelligent and just a wee bit smarmy.] This guy says to me ‘man I don't know why we can’t just get bill back for a while. at least till things smooth out a bit. Just another four years.

But its true. the dems now, they have Al Gore, Jimmy carter, Ted Kennedy has always voted for the people, so he's a true liberal hero. Al Sharpton? Forget it. that guy was awesome. Jesse is always good. he's like ‘take it for granted kind of good;’ that's how good of a speechmaker he is. John Edwards is like the wunderkind of the party; the future Clinton. But hopefully he’ll keep it in his pants, or at least do it somewhere other than the oval office. They even have Ronald Reagan’s son Ron. Basically a rock concert of bright idealistic heart on their sleeve liberals. I can’t say I'm not against any of it. [I mean, lets try to forget that they killed 180 innocent Americans in Waco, Texas under Clintons watch and no one did shit about that. so because of that, McVeigh retaliated at Oklahoma city. yes times are changing. People are fighting back now. And I'm not going to bring up all the rumors of them selling military secrets to China...] But at least the dems have heroes. Real American heroes. People like us. I'm not saying these people are any less shifty than the other lot of slimy script reading hand shaking short-hairs. I mean cheese is cheese. Occasionally cheese can be good; like brie or Roquefort or feta or mozzarella. Yum! But of course American cheese just sucks. And both parties are super American-cheesy. No taste and filled with artificial shit and preservatives. Hence to belong to either party at this point is choosing hamburger over steak. But man, where is the fucking steak? That's probably what a lot of Americans are wondering. Well perhaps in Kerry we have a bit of steak. We’ll just have to wait and see.

But you get the feeling that the repubs are those people in school who were just full of shit and didn't understand anything about life. they were the sheep who drank their milk and watched their TV and spoke their lies when they had to. just to keep face and keep the money in the right hands. Whereas with the dems, you find this kind of idealism.... this underdog fight for the rights of your fellow man kind of thing that I can relate to a lot more readily. Normal people that you can talk to and talk about issues with. People that care about other people. .. and of course they have all the actors and singers and writers too. I couldn’t imagine being an entertainer and being a republican. i guess you just have to keep it a secret so you're not embarrassed.... imagine if they ask you to speak at their convention and you're like ‘uh well yeah I mean that's a great idea but uh yeah I'm uh going to be out of the country that week. gosh I'm really sorry guys....’ . I can not imagine being up there at the republican convention and trying to come up with good things to say about this current administration. You would just have to throw truth to the wind and just say fuck it and come up with a bunch of bullshit platitudes and hollow words about values and strength and courage and all that other empty crap.

You get the feeling that John Kerry and John Edwards actually mean what they say? I believe that for some reason. And normally I don't. it was something about that comment that Kerry made to his campaign buds when he didn't know he was still being miked up. he made some comment like ‘man they are the biggest bunch of liars and thieves I've ever seen....’ there was something in that off the cuff and off the record remark that I think a lot of us could relate to. maybe he's not one of them after all. again, we shall soon see.

I tell you what. The more I study John Kerry, the luckier I feel we are to have him as a potential president of the country. We don't get many like him. Sometimes not in entire lifetimes. His speech was very good. it was almost as if we were watching history.

This guy in the office a few years younger that I am.., great guy. looks like Ted Danson. The kind of guy in high school that us rockers would make fun of as much as they made fun of us. The tall dark rich and handsome jock type. By the time you get to college you usually get over that stuff. you notice you start looking inside people more than at their outside. Now more of my friends are attorneys than rockers. That's funny when you think about it. maybe it was just the way I was raised. So I'm hanging with Ted, lets call him Ted, and he tells us he was raised republican but now he's considering switching because everyone is so excited about the democratic speeches and he can feel the energy around the country, and the Fahrenheit 9/11 movie that he saw made him sick. He seems a little concerned about letting go of his republican roots... I tell him ‘look bro, when you come from a good family with money, you're often raised republican. But we can’t fault our parents for that. They didn't know any better. But this is a new age now, it’s a new time. now just because you have money doesn’t mean you have to be a heartless idiot, with all due respect to our fellow brothers and sisters. The republicans don't get that yet; they're stuck back in the eighteen hundreds or something. Too bad for them and for all of us that have to deal with them in our day to day lives. Its these backwoods pseudo-values that are responsible for a lot of the pain and suffering around the world. They don't get that you can still have plenty of money and still be a good person and still care about other people. That's what the democrats represent now. Whether they mean it or not, who knows.
“So you're a democrat like the other guys? aren't all rock stars democrats?” laughs.
“Bro I'm nothing. I'm American. You know what? I'm not even American. I'm human. Like you and mark and everyone else in here, I'm a citizen of the world. I'm American because I was born here. If we were born in Italy like our parents were then we would be sitting here talking about Italian politics...”
“But it would be hot as hell in this office,” Marc says. “Why don't they get air conditioning over there?”
“Tell me about it. And the girls would be HOT!!!” laughs. “But seriously bro...”
“Not that they're not hot here. c'mon!”
“No joke. O.k. dude you get what I'm saying?”
“Stay independent.”
“Damn right stay independent. It’s not like any of us should run and start registering democrat, or republican. Fuck that. A true American is an independent; one who is loyal to no political party and to no politician, but to only the ideals he believes as an American.”
“Do you come up with this stuff on your own?” Marc asks laughing.
“Marc, c'mon man, Ted is looking to us for advice. Help me out here bro...”
“I know. I'm just kidding. Its just that you’re so good man. Hey if you ever decide to stop singing you should be a politician.” Laughs. “But seriously, Fishy’s right. I became a democrat only in the last four years because of all this bullshit. its chaos now. everything is getting destroyed all around us. IN four years this guy is destroying what took ten or twenty years of past administrations to put into place and build up. if the republicans ever get a better candidate I might vote for him instead one day. I'm not so anti-republican like Fishy is.”
“Well bro you have to admit. These old boys need to get with the program... drilling in the arctic? Logging in national parks? Constitutional amendments to ban same sex marriage? Defying NATO and the UN. Refusing to be accountable to the war crimes commission? Defiance of the Koyoto treaty? These guys are rebels. If I were evil, these guys would be my heroes. They're just like over the top evil villains. They don't even hide it...” everyone laughs.
Marc speaks up, “Its interesting to note that bush, Kerry, Gephardt, and Dean, all came from the same few years of graduating classes at Yale, so they're all from the same background,
“No shit?” Ted says.
“But there’re huge differences between the parties that they represent now. That's what Fishy is speaking about. The dems seem like they're just more on the enlightened side of the fence now. “And you my brother seem like quite the enlightened type,” I pat Ted on the back. “It doesn’t mean its always going to be that way. but that's the way it is now. maybe one day the republicans will get it right and in ten years we’ll all be having this same conversation about how great they are.”
“I doubt it,” marc says.
“Hey you never know. My old man is republican. Both my parents are.” Ted says. “And they're both really nice people.”
“Mine too,” marc says. “But growing up and especially now, I get the feeling that my parents never really had the time to look into this much. I think they were too busy working and they were just republicans because their own parents were.”
“I think my parents are just republicans because they want to keep they're taxes low,” Ted says laughing.
“I think we are lucky to be in the generation that we are in now because we have access to all of this now in a way that our parents never did. so its right there in front of us. we can really decide for ourselves what the best choice is. our parents never had that. all they saw were commercials on TV.... in the future I think more and more people are going to get smarter and switch sides more often depending on who the candidate is and what condition the party is in.”
“Hopefully we can get beyond the two parties and get some fresh blood in there,” Marc says.’
“Ralph Nader anyone?” Ted says.
“Dudes I gotta work. That's a different day. Ted welcome to the club.”

The boys and I parted company to get on with the work for the day. as I walked back to my own office I thought about things. thought about my willingness to convince another of which way to vote. Wondered if I was making the right decision in that. It wasn't always that way. after spending most of the nineties observing matters of the state, reading history, and studying various insider information about the ways of American politics and campaign finance I become convinced that it didn't matter who we voted for in America. I began to understand that the real decisions that affect our lives are no more decided on by our sitting president as they are by you and me. But rather, that America had been sold out decades before to big money interests and the military which it controlled. The president and the congress were the gerbils in the spinning wheels, kept in their respective cages for all the world to see; but the true masters of our fates were hidden from our view. Men with more money than we normal folk could ever imagine or conceive of, and more power than we could ever consider possible in a democracy.

The more I studied the more convinced of this scenario I became. And still today, as I walked back to my office, I contemplated this. how the major decisions in America and in all countries of the world are made when the people are not even aware of it. These are things not voted on, not even discussed. These are the things that guide our every waking moment but seem so much bigger than our party politics. They are the issues and matters that we relegate in our minds to the category we label ‘that's just the way it is.’ by the time we hit the late nineties I was so sick of big business and behind the scenes politics controlling us that I was determined to do something about it. and what I decided to do was start a non profit political action committee. I hired on a few college students, political science students, to help me with the cause. G2 came on for image, graphic, and web design.

We held a few meetings to discuss our disillusionment with the bullshit smoke-screens of the American democracy conspiracy. I learned a lot from the political science majors. Their enthusiasm and knowledge inspired me. i shared with them my goal: to raise awareness of the scam of the pseudo-two party system in America by getting people not to vote. Now I know this sounds insane. And in the small-picture view it may be foolish; but in the bigger picture, I felt like it might be the only choice we had left if we wanted to cause a big enough commotion about our losing our democratic liberties to make decisions for ourselves that would actually have any affect on our day to day lives.

I was inspired by the recent protests against the IMF and the WTO. I noticed that the whole country was starting to wake up. especially our generation. What they once called generation x. we were taking to the streets again. Like our parents did. and the people we were battling were both democrats and republicans. So my feeling was that it didn't matter who came into office. they would both be slaves to powers greater than any democracy within six months.

We decided to call our organization Rock the Boat. It was a take off on MTV’s Rock the vote campaign which tried to get us kids to get out and vote. I named it that on purpose, as a way of mocking how superfluous getting out and voting had become in our country. it was a way of saying lets rock the ‘rock the vote mentality and hold a nationwide protest by not voting. The more of us who don't vote each year, the more attention this cause will gather. That if half of our voting age population is already not voting, wait till they notice that three fourths of our population are not voting. Or even four fifths or more eventually. And I felt like it was a noble mission to make that a reality. So for just under a year we all worked madly on promoting this cause.

We built mammoth websites filled with information and made millions of flyers and hand cards and stickers and T-shirts urging people not to vote as a sign of protest about the selling out of America.

Two things changed my mind during this time. one was that I saw al gore being interviewed at his home on television. I will never forget that night. I found him intelligent, informed, and dare I say, cool. he seemed like a good person. so I started studying him and his voting record. not bad. Not great. But not bad either. He stood for a lot of the same things that I felt at the time that I stood for.

Now it is true. that in those last elections, because of all of our hard work and my commitment to the cause of protest, I did not vote. I stood fast to my resolve to prove my point. And so did a lot of the kids that worked with us. I do not regret my decision. I was young, idealistic, and believed in what I was doing. But then it happened. The great election scandal that threw America to the wolves. I like most people had assumed that al gore would take the presidency with out a problem. I had watched the debates on television and just assumed that everyone else had seen them as well, so how the hell would anyone vote for gw? The idea was preposterous. He was obviously unprepared and unqualified for the job and from what I could tell didn't have many ideas of his own. but seemed as though he was faking the whole thing. like maybe he was just trying to make his father proud. But he just seemed to be coming so far out from left field that it seemed like he had no chance of being taken seriously. we always just laughed when we heard him speak or saw him on TV. so whether I voted or not, or any of the thousands of people we collected as member of our protest organization voted or not, I just figured gore would take it either way.

Now of course we had no idea that what occurred in the 2000 elections would ever happen here in the United States. that someone who works on one party’s election campaign would still be allowed to be the supervisor of elections for an entire state, or that they were messing with voting booths, or blocking whole towns from voting, or disqualifying democratic voting towns and cities from voting through all sorts of trickery. What was it something like forty thousand registered voters in one town alone? And then there were the tens of thousands of qualified voters in Florida who were not allowed to register because they were mistakenly labeled “convicted criminals’ all of a sudden even though they had never even been arrested. They took Florida and by being such a close race, they were able to take the whole country. who would have known? ... these were the type of tactics and tom foolery that we always read about happening in other countries, smaller less civilized countries with no indoor plumbing... we never thought it would happen in America. everyone knows that gore won, for better or worse, and should rightfully be the current president. It was just a huge fuck in the ass to this country what that group of people did to steal that election. And trust me, I was as undecided as you can be still at that time. I thought that both parties were a bunch of rich kid daddy’s boys who couldn’t give two shits about any of us. and would never have any real power to wield anyhow.

Well I was wrong. I was just dead wrong. the past three years have shown me that again and again. The fact of the matter is that at this point it like it or not we have to vote because who we vote for does matter. Even if it comes down to having to choose between the worst of two evils as people are prone to say, its probably a good idea to choose the least of the two evils. So there it is in a nutshell. I'm voting this year.

To watch all of the speeches from the DNC:
www.dems2004.org/site/apps/nl/content3.asp?c=luI2LaPYG&b=125919&ct=158734

7-18

in the studio today with the poet. first session for the two new albums. Recorded four songs for the Girls album, Summer says, Verena, Kathy, Indian Princess. And one song for the Cinematique album, which has no name yet; maybe After tomorrow. the rest of the songs we’ll do with Infinito. Me and Bloopy talking tonight on the phone. Transcendence is turning into something very cool. the whole way we have all these different players, like this core group of players that make it what it is. I would love to tour with like all eight guys at once. That would be awesome for all of us and for the fans.

The Girls album is something that so far only I seem to like the idea of. Bas says I am going to slammed for. He's like, ‘you can do it man. Just don't do it. it’s a bad idea. A whole album about girls? With girls names? Horrible! It will be the end of your career.’ ‘Bro, I don't have much of a career yet. I can pretty much do whatever I want to at this point. Hehe.’ In the short term it may at first come off kind of pretentious or contrived, but the idea actually came from a talk with Bloopy about putting out a girls compilation CD of all the songs from our various CDs that have girls names. Which is a still a good idea, but then I started leafing through all the song notebooks and realizing that there were still tons of songs I had already written with girls names that hadn't been recorded yet. and that would make a cool album all on its own. more than an albums worth actually. So its not contrived at all, but just conceptual. Its not like we’re sitting around writing a bunch of songs about girls. These are just the orphan songs that never made it to albums. So its cool. and the cool thing, although I'll probably be the only one who thinks this is cool, is that all the songs are from different periods of my life so each song is a totally different style. I'll love it. But I may be the only one. anyway, as much as the other guys don't like it, I am hoping I can get them to humor me long enough to get it recorded. Just a bunch of one off songs. Just honoring what's there. I love songs and I love songwriting. It is the ultimate indulgence.

-------------------------------------

It’s this nagging loneliness that is always looming there in the back of your mind.... its like a feeling of emptiness, or not-wholeness... I wonder if it is real—is it instinctually there? Or is it trained? Just something that is ingrained in us since we were young. Either way, I feel it. Everyone seems to.

I think one of the hardest things is to just live for ourselves and for no one else. sometimes I feel this subconscious thing going on inside me that feels as though I am living for other people more than just for myself, like for my future wife and kids, as weird as that sounds, or for my family, or for my friends... strange. I think its worthwhile challenge just to try to live for ourselves alone. To be entirely self aware, self dependent, self referred, self inspired. Jazz says to me last night as she stares at herself posing in the mirror for hours at a time, “the hardest thing is seeing how goddamn cute I am, and I still am alone and don't have anyone to love me.” I looked up from my guitar, “Well if you were the only person in the world who had this problem then I would be worried if I were you. But you know there’re millions of people all over that have that same concern. You just have to flow with it. everyone’s looking for that special someone. One day the right guy will come along....”

The stallion is heart broken. She tells me the other day that this boyfriend of hers left her and is seeing someone else now and that she still intends on getting him back. and I thought about that afterwards. Who would want someone back after they did that to you? But that's love for ya. Totally illogical and imprudent and hard to understand. Hopefully she’ll get over it and move on and allow something even better to come in.

For me I find that same thing inside myself. That longing... but I also have this strange wisdom that makes its way into my mind every now and then and it tells me to remember how I felt when I was with Cleopatra. I had this trapped feeling, like I was too young to be tied down forever and ever, that there were still a lot of things that I hadn't experienced yet. so I was pretty worried about that. just kept trying to put it out of my mind. Its not that I'm not looking for the one, because I am. But at the same time, I have a lot of appreciation for being single now too. its an opportunity to do all those crazy things we’ll surely want to do as soon as we hook up with the someone for good. I've never done a midget or a gymnastics team or a housekeeper, so I definitely want to do that NOW and not once I'm married, Hehe. Our new housekeeper is so hot. She's an actress on this really famous television show that comes on every Saturday night all over South America, but during the week she still does housekeeping. Go figure. Only in Miami. anyway, you get the picture. She's hot, and I should do her. I would love if one day while she was ironing I just came up from behind her and started doing her while she ironed. That would be awesome. You can’t really do that if you're married. So...

So yeah, living for yourself. Dealing with the loneliness. No, overcoming the loneliness. Transcending it. Appreciating the time alone to do whatever you want to. These are good things. our life is meant to be the way it is. its our life. we can resist it. surely. Or we can just embrace it full force and really bask in it so to speak and enjoy it. take it for what it is now and revel in it and make the most of it.

Current Spin: Rufus wainright, want. Again. I like it. Don’t love it yet, but there are many good songs on it. I want him to change styles now. I am a style changing freak myself, hence the name ‘Nothing is cohesive’ and I expect the same from my idols as well. this new one has a real mamas and papas sound to it. one of my earliest favorite bands. No one seems to know about them or talk about them. but they were everything to me. that sound that they created was a huge influence on me. people always think they have me down. Its so funny. Every critic mentions Bowie or Bono or Lou reed, but most of my influences are so uncommon people just don't even acknowledge them. marc bolan, and Iggy of course, all those forties and fifties crooners were huge for me, Judy garland and frank and dean; and all the Broadway and Hollywood musicals; Louis Armstrong; Kate bush, and Donovan. People don't talk much about that stuff and its influence on contemporary rock or pop music. [when auditioning for guitarists I was amazed how many players who you talk to who tell you their influences are ‘limp bizcit, nirvana, and 311.’ And I'm like ‘uh... o.k... yeah I don't think it would really work out then. I mean you know that what they're going to bring in is going to be so transparent and obvious. That's what I love about Bloopy and Vancouver and Infinito. Their influences are so wide and varied and eclectic.]

Also checked out the rolling stones, black and blue from 1976. I had this sitting around unopened for I don't know how long. but broke it out today. I love seventies stones. One of my favorite sounds of all time. [rolling stones from 71 to 79 = fucking magnificent! It IS the embodiment of cool, soul, and funky. They DID IT. just totally did it.] Has a few good songs this CD. a real one-off, like most of their albums from that time. But still groovy. Good to recognize that, although perhaps times have changed, with our current obsession with ‘getting a hit’ and commercial success for every CD released for fear of being dropped from our labels and never being heard from again, but I don't think so; this whole new garage rock thing that sprang up in various parts of the world all seemingly unrelated but relatively at the same time—the vines, hives, white stripes, jet, strokes, etc. its great. I think we can still pull that whole stones thing off if we want to. get more in the flow of the artistry of the moment of creation and less focused on making each work perfect. I know rise and shine took three years, sleep took over a year, and NIC took no more than six months and it could be the best thing we've ever done. But yeah that's what driving around listening to black and blue did for me. reminded me to just let it rip as fast as possible and get those albums made. stay in the flow, get into the eye of the Tiger as an artist so to speak, and just keep putting them out there. even if it ends up sounding a bit disjointed and one-off. Better than waiting for the right time and the right players and the right studio and all that as a lot of artists do. they wait so long to put stuff out. always waiting for the right moment. I think that's what you're supposed to do when you are an older artist. For now, best to just stay in the flow and pull off as many as you can in each moment. Stop waiting and perfecting and just ride the beast.

There was this rather erotic experience recently, which for several reasons I won't mention (that's Rufus’ line if you know it). I can still smell her on me. I'm talking just totally crazy erotic experience. After we both climaxed I was left with such a feeling of tingles and joy. not in like a love way or anything, because this was totally not a love thing, not in the traditional sense that is, but just a friends with benefits thing. I call her my art time lover, and she laughs. for she inspires me immensely. It reminded me of how important sex is. Your whole body feels good and your mind feels opened and free and magical. Important. Great for work. You can feed off of it for your work. Sex just makes you feel great. Invincible. I jump up and grab the guitar, whirling around the room. I sit back down next to her. I am immersed in it. in this warm fuzzy cozy impassioned feeling. Endorphins still firing. I sing a few verses of one song. Make up a few to another. My voice glides freely up and down and in and out. it is smooth and velvet and pure passion. yes... this is the feeling of invincibility.

[reminded me to research our prison systems. I was thinking about that. are people in prison allowed to have sex with the opposite sex? if not then that's bullshit. no wonder they come out more fucked up than they were. I mean how long can a person go without having sex before they really start to feel psychotic and messed up inside. All of us, we all need that touch and that release and that feeling of love and passion that comes from that. the tender touch of another... without it we feel all shriveled up. everyone knows this. why deny this most basic need to anyone, no matter what the crime. I think that's why priests and nuns are so fucked up. those poor bastards, sacrificing their entire lives, and worse, their own sanity, sacrificing the inner voice within, that pure voice of truth and wisdom and spirit that is within all of us if we only listen, for the illogical outdated and tyrannical dogma of other peoples indoctrination. Making it their own. all the while slowly dying inside from that sinister nagging feeling that somewhere down the road they made a mistake. denying their very humanity—the ultimate sin---for a set of beliefs that are so filled with holes and lies and half truths, something invented by man to control man... year after year how it must come upon them slowly at first, the subtle realizations... I wonder if it ever hits them consciously, or if they are too far brainwashed into it to ever see what actually happened...and year after year they try to deny themselves something so basic and simple and beautiful and necessary to human survival that our sexuality is, how else are they going to turn out? Mean and crotchety and drunk all the time. or worse even, a child molester or sexual deviant of some kind like we read about in the papers. Forgive my rant. But study our history. You too will be filled with as much anger and resentment against the malevolent tyranny that they call the Church. One day humanity will rise up out of the dark clutches of this evil empire and will truly step into the light once and for all.

Anyway, prison reform is what we need. we need to get those guys some loving. We start pouring love in there, and sex. give them love all the time. from all around them. just bring them love. because so many of them have probably never received enough love in their lives; and then like once a month, ship a bunch of pros in there and let them all get off. Man those prisons would be totally different places. And produce totally different kinds of individuals. I know what a lot of people would think if they read that. I know what the current ideas by the majority in consciousness are about prisons and us bleeding heart liberals and our desire for reform, but I don't care what they think too much and don't want to waste much time listening to them or arguing with them. lets face it, love is the answer. With our children, with our friends, with our enemies, with ourselves, and yes even with our prisoners and criminals. Love is the answer. I am tired of mankind and its childish ignorant and unevolved insistence on punishment rather than growth forgiveness and reformation for our fellow man. I am tired of a few idiot fuckhead bastards taking millions of our fellow man who have drug problems and locking them in prisons rather than helping them get free from their addictions, while many of them have so called legal addictions of their own. I don't know why so few of us see the answers and so many of us seem to be stupid as all hell. But its frustrating. One day the ignorant close minded people are going to catch up to the rest. I always try to console Infinito about that when he gets down about all the idiots we are forced to put up with all around us everyday. It can be depressing. But we have to stay hopeful.]

7-17

Today is Juliet’s birthday. Happy birthday.

This evening, I saw one of the strangest things I have ever seen. But I was right there in it. so I can’t say that I just saw it. I was a part of it. I was there in it. this twilight zone of a town, where the tides have to be slightly tainted by some foreign matter that creates the strangest people you could ever meet. In America, but not of America, this land of people that time forgot. In the world, but not of the world. about 2 am. I'm walking jazz to her car and she asks ‘do you know Elvis?’ ‘yeah. Of course. His new CD is fucking awesome. Have you heard it?’ ‘No, I mean Dean, father Bloopy’s friend. he's right over there...’ and she points to this guy leaning against a telephone pole. ‘you mean the parking lot attendant guy?’ I ask. ‘yeah, but everyone calls him Elvis because he’s an Elvis impersonator when he's not being a parking lot attendant.’ ‘No way. for real?’ ‘yeah.’ We get up to the guy. they talk a bit. ‘will you sing us a song?’ he’s got a guitar there with him. on this busy street corner in front of this giant parking lot, in the middle of a busy Friday night on South beach. And he starts playing blue suede shoes. But he’s fucking great. That's the thing. he sounds just like Elvis. But not cheesy and hamming it up. but like really good. authentic. Getting into it with his eyes closed. And we’re standing there watching and listening and all these cars are going in and out of the lot and he's standing there with his eyes closed singing blue suede shoes and two o'clock in the morning on this street corner dressed up like a parking attendant. And then some of their friends from high school walk over and just casually listen and every now and then talk to jazz like this is no big deal. Then he goes into suspicious minds. And some guy comments that ‘this is the fourth time he's played this tonight...’ I feel like I'm in a time warp. Like I'm in one of those movies or TV shows and I've hit the wrong button and ended up in some strange mysterious world and I can’t figure anything out. Where the hell am i? People grew up here. they were born here and they grew up here. on these streets. and in this town. and this is the product of that. what I'm seeing here tonight. when we travel the country we are reminded that the country exists. but here there is none of that. there is nothing of the real world here in Miami. it is a country all its own. gay boys in sleeveless shirts and sandals are everywhere, and the most beautiful exotic women who cannot take their sunglasses off or talk to you about anything except the latest DJ or dance club or designer drug or drink or fashion show, which are plenty. And yes, the occasional Elvis impersonator who moonlights as a parking lot attendant. I walk around in my usual all black and people ask me ‘where are you from?’ I have to pause for a second to think about it. ‘where am I from? where am I now? how did I get here?’

To Cleo: “...don't get defensive. I'm your biggest fan and supporter. You know that. I will never turn against you. Even when I'm against you, I'm not really against you. Ok?”

Later that night, I was in bed, unable to sleep, as every night since I sold my house and moved to this temporary little rat trap in the ghetto known as South Beach, thinking, praying, freaking out, talking to God.... “God, its me again.” “I know.” “I know I don't have a disease and I'm not dying or anything. Mom’s o.k. Beav’s o.k. Madelynne’s o.k. I'm o.k. But you know, I'm still freaking out here. I'm not sure how far I'm supposed to take this music thing... I'm not getting a lot of money. I think we’re getting kind of close to the breaking point aren't we? Shouldn’t I be getting a break sometime soon?” “You're getting a break soon. In the last six months you have made a lot of progress...” “But the last six months have been filled with rejection and hopelessness...” “Don't worry. You can worry now. But you don't have to. Or you can choose not to worry. You are on the right path...” “God how do I know I'm on the right path?” “You know. You feel it. You see it. You trust it...” I listened...

I thought about Rufus wainright in a recent interview when he was asked how he felt when I heard that Alanis Morrisette was a big fan and loved listening to his cds. his answer was ‘I feel great about it of course. But I just wish her 20 million fans would feel the same way...

I understood his comment; too well. The irony. Doing what you love versus the mixed reaction that may cause in the mass’s desire to purchase your goods.... the lust always for more. I thought of the fanmail we receive; from as far away as Holland, the Ukraine, Australia now, the UK, Turkey. The French love our new CD... as well they should. You don't get more French than ‘what can I do to sleep with you....’ ‘And yes its an amazing feeling God. And it makes me happy. And I am so appreciative of that. But I just wish we were playing stadiums right here at home. That's all I'm saying... when do we get to that?’ ‘You will. You have to trust.’

“I mean, God, if there's something missing, whatever it is, just tell me. I'll fix it. just tell me what's missing...” I listened. “fishy.” “yes?” “Enjoy the ride. that's what's missing.” “What?” “In the bigger picture of your life, of who you are as Fishy the artist... that's a magnificent thing. You are living the life of Fishy, the singer, songwriter, performer, writer, thinker, lover, and friend... but you aren't enjoying it... you are getting too caught up in the small details..” “Genius gets lost in the details...” I whispered. “Yes.” “Think of your influences and inspirations for a moment. Think of their lives...” I thought of Leonardo Davinci, Picasso, Paul McCartney, and Thomas Edison.... “You are forgetting that this is an entire lifetime that you are getting to experience. You are living your biography. This is it.” “I can’t take the rejection anymore God...” “Because you didn't get into the NEMO festival?” God laughs. “Well God you have to admit... when we received that letter today... “there were so many talented artists who submitted and we only had 225 slots available...” I mean, fucking Christ God, pardon my French, but 225 fucking slots available and they didn't choose Transcendence? Now God? What the hell am I missing here? You and I both know that most of those bands just blow! Right? I'm talking like you can’t sit through ten minutes of their show without wanting to get the hell out of there because its so boring and predictable and they didn't have a slot for us?! I can’t take it....” “and maybe that's the way other people feel about you and your music...” God responded. “Yeah and that's the part that freaks me out God... how do I know? if I'm good or not? How does anyone know?” “You can’t judge it by how other people feel about you... you have to be motivated by something within yourself. As you always have been. Fishy.” “Yes.” “Fishy. It isn't the appreciation you are looking for anymore.” He was right. our fan base is big enough now. we receive enough CD sales and fanmail and congratulatory letters and calls and pats on the back to make us feel like we’re doing something right. It’s the money I'm looking for now. Honestly, God, I just want the money now.” I laugh to myself and wait for a response. “I want the big payoff now for all this hard work.” “And so you will soon receive it because that is what your attention is on now.” He was right. I never focused attention on making money with my music before. I was always focused on the MISSION of it. capital M, as Juliet would say. Never thought about the money. never wanted to sell out. just wanted to make the best art I could. But things are different now. I feel like I'm at a crossroads now. I have to make more money from this. I have to make real money. Big money. I am ready to sell out. “You don't have to sell out Fishy.” I heard in my head as I drifted off to sleep. I whispered, “I hope you're right God.... I really do. But I don't care if I do now. I just want to keep doing this and make big money from it. so don't worry God. if I have to sell out, I will...” I smiled and fell asleep.

Current Spin: June carter cash, wildwood. Her last one. I think you may have to be a fan to appreciate this one. I'm just starting to dig in. Still digging into Elvis’ new one North. Amazing. the guy just never stops creating. He is the real deal. He's taking the art form to a new level.

7-16

[from rob Breszny]

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your life has brought you many maddeningly

inconclusive adventures. On occasion, you've probably been tempted to

invest what was left of your battered faith in the doctrine proclaimed by Gertrude Stein: "There ain't no answer. There ain't going to be any

answer. There never has been an answer. That's the answer." But now the time has come for you to suspend your belief in Stein's theory and others like it. During the next five months, I predict that you will be given more precise, definitive answers than you've ever had before.

So yes it is true, I certainly would be more inclined as of late to concur with Ms. Stein about the nature of it all. Life is a dream where there are no answers except the ones we try desperately to talk ourselves into in each moment in our attempt to hang on for yet another day. every now and then a bit of relevance or sense may pop in just to keep us going. but overall... this world is just pure random madness.

We’ll see if the old sage is right, or if perhaps the new prophet has found some truth in this world of madness and mayhem.

I'll tell you what always comes up for me... its how short life is and how short life is going to seem for us when we get older. That's what it is for me. And... by the grace of God or anything that remotely resembles IT, will we ever get any big-picture-meaning out of it?

In other news, I am sometimes overwhelmed lately with a feeling of how blessed I am with so many good friends. Bas tells me, ‘you have more friends than anyone I've ever known.” I joke to him, “My brother I believe you may be right. I just may the most freinded guy in the world. and thank God. Because I'm lonely as fucking hell.” We laugh. “It takes a lot of time to have all those friends. You're never off that fucking phone. I could never be that way.” But I like it. A lot. Especially now. Good feeling. It is as if God or the universe if trying to tell me something lately. Like giving me this gift. These little reminders...

7-15

Stuck inside Miami with the Europe blues again

Oh boy are we like ghosts floating through the desert now children. Not supposed to be here in Miami. not supposed to be here in America. And yet here we are. The poet and I get together everyday and rehearse new songs for new albums because that is all I can think of to do to keep us inspired during this the greatest of all calamities, the tour that never was.

Our spirits are low and our poverty rate is high. (forgive me, I had to). we have no way to earn for the next few weeks because we didn't book any shows, since we thought we were going to be on tour already. Obviously. We roam the streets wondering if we are dreaming. Mouths hanging open. Perspiration pouring from our brows. Is this Amsterdam? Is this a dream? What the hell is going on? Dude I think we’re still in Miami. what? You mean this isn't Madrid? No dude, I really think we’re still in Miami. but dude, weren't we supposed to be in Barcelona or something by now? yeah. I think so. But this looks like Miami. man I need a drink. Me too.

In good news of course the song Superhero girl was released to commercial radio this week and is doing well. as well as non-commercial music on non-commercial record labels with non-commercial bands can do on commercial radio. We are in a different age now. clear channel owns the airwaves. And ticket master owns the box office. music isn't played by DJs anymore. Its programmed via satellite from one main office. oh if I ever shared with you dear diary the comments from DJs and program directors in our daily reports. How not-into music they are, and how they are just looking for the band with the next big story or the big pocket book behind them regardless of what the band actually sounds like. it is indeed a sorry state. But in all these little pockets all over America are still these raging raving pioneer DJs out there playing music because they like it. we found one in Gainesville and another one in Tallahassee, and a few others in places like Richmond and Omaha. They are out there still. if you are lucky enough to live in one of those areas where you have a maverick DJ and a REAL radio station. They just say fuck what's hot or cool or in or out, and they play it if they like it. good for them. Thanks guys.

I am noticing a feeling overtaking me---ah hah! I have finally crossed the border into the world of “I am not creating it; “its” creating for me!”---in spite of that realization intellectually, its still hard to do anything about it. a good lesson in learning tolerance for others!! ah hah! Anyway, yes this sinking drowning terrifying feeling that all is not well. wow. Its been a long time. welcome home feeling. Its been a long time since this feeling has occupied the space I call myself.

[By the way, before I forget, and before it mysteriously vanishes,

Check out this great speech by Bono at the University of Pennsylvania.

You can watch Bono delivering his address - from the 1:56 mark - by clicking here < http://beansidhe.isc-net.upenn.edu:8080/ramgen/president/commencement04/commencement04.rm > ]

It vanished. Go to their website. Its good.

A crazy week. this publicist rainmaker publicity up in Boston has fucked us. took our money, won't do any work, and won't take any of the labels or the managers calls. if you google them, which we should have done, you will see that she did this to hundreds of bands all over America. O.k. so we’re idiots. We never even bothered to check... just loved her personality. So now its going to court. And everyone spends truckloads of money to battle it out. it is a real waste of time and energy, all just because someone doesn’t want to earn their keep in the world in a legitimate fashion. I told our attorney in Massachusetts, ‘I don't care what it costs, just crush her.’ So she can’t do this to any more bands. I really cannot believe that people like this exist. I think back on all the times over the last ten years since I have been in business, when someone has screwed us over just because they knew they could. Sometimes people do it whether they think they can or not. Its like they're socipathic or something. and then when you sue them they scream and holler and kick and scream like maniacs like they don't even know why this is happening to them. its really weird and disturbing. Because you can tell that they really don't know what's happening. They get caught in their own deceptive devices as much as their innocent victims.

Between this and the whole tour fiasco, its been a crazy time to be alive in our skin. To make matters worse, I woke up to this radio promoter screaming curse words at me. actually he told me to go fuck myself. We’ll call him Masseratti. Masseratti has a reputation for being a good old boy in the biz. Doesn’t have any big name acts and works the small markets, but generally known as a nice guy. he sends our record label a blaring email because we decided to release superhero girl to alt-rock radio before we released Veronica to adult radio even though we had told them we were going to do veronica pretty soon. it wasn't that we weren't going to release veronica; but too many consultants came in with superhero girl as the first horse out of the gate. So there it was. So he was pissed that he wasn't getting the business. And he sends this pissy email. and on and on. And I question his audacity to come after us who are this obviously very small label and very small band who don't have a pot to piss in and if we’re going to spend twenty or thirty thousand dollars of our own personal money on a chance and a dream like radio then we better make sure it’s the right one. and besides, if they wanted the deal later, shouldn’t he be a bit nicer and cooler? Wasn't it worth it if in the future he was going to land a twenty thousand dollar deal for our second single? But all he could do was start screaming fuck off like some lunatic. Totally unbusinesslike and very ungentlemanly. and yes even in this twisted cursed business that the music business has turned into, I was still slightly taken aback. All I could do in return was send him an email that read: Dear Masseratti, You are a big baby and you should be ashamed of yourself. Love, Fishy

Its just been one of those weeks. What can you say.

So we’re playing with some bigger fish now, swimming in the big kids pool. And it hasn’t been easy. Everywhere you turn when you're a struggling artist there are people who are ready to pounce on you with a big smile and take what they can get from you. the poet tells me ‘man, dude, I hope you're writing all this down so if you ever do this pull this miracle of yours off then you can help other bands do it too...’ I'm like, ‘dude, if I did start writing all this shit down, about what its like in the music business for real, no one would believe me. and if they did, they wouldn’t want any part of it.’ Publicists and video directors, managers and radio promoters, who take the money and run, booking agents who book whole tours that mysteriously don't exist, record company executives who don't want to hear what you sound like but only want to ‘see the numbers,’ radio DJs who will only play your song if the guy next door is playing it or if you give them a thousand bucks a spin, video music channels who will only play your video if they're getting huge money to do so, entertainment attorneys who promise you a record contract if you give them five thousand dollars and then after your check is cleared they don't remember who you are... “what was the name of the band again?” and every time you check your email some company you’ve never heard of is promising you and every other struggling artist on the planet super-stardom for a one time payment of only $89.99. its fucking insane. And I wouldn’t believe it myself if I hadn't experienced personally over the last five years. there's this “consultant” in New York who I've known for years who rents himself out to artists for a ‘consultant fee’ that starts at fifteen hundred dollars, but he’ll never tell you what he's actually going to do for you. he just off handedly mentions a bunch of different things that might happen if things worked out. and this is how he makes his living. He mentions a few big name acts he has or hasn’t worked with and he takes the artists’ money and who knows what the hell happens. I've known him for ten years now and never heard of anything big coming out of it for anyone. Like I said, its fucking unbelievable. But that's the business.

But still, I told myself as I was driving home tonight with the wind blowing through my hair and Cyndi lauper belting out some old standards on her new CD, I still believe in this. I still believe in rock and roll. I still believe in that feeling I got when I first heard the Strokes or the Thrills or the Vines or Rufus. I still believe in it when I walk into the house and Bas has his new Ours CD cranked up to 11. or when we went to see U2 in three different cities on their last tour because it was so fucking amazing and life affirming. Somehow, in some miraculous way, some good music still manages to seep through to us. and that's the only thing that keeps me going these days. it’s the music.

Current Spin: the carter family singers, Best of. Going all the way back to the thirties and forties this does. Real Americana music. in our never ending attempt to explore every album ever made we find ourselves knee deep in the heartland on this surprisingly enjoyable 20 song collection of yee haw I've got a broken heart music. but in all seriousness, I love it. especially now after researching the fam and discovering that our American roots go so far back. this is very true true true music. much simpler times.

7-14

There was this bug that flew onto my laptop screen for a moment. And in an instant I blew it off with my breath. How easy that was I thought. How this clueless bugs life is so easily manipulated by me. I bet he doesn’t even know who I am or what I am. He just knows that he got blown off the bright white screen against his will.

When bad things happen to us I wonder who is the big powerful force that is so easily manipulating us as we do to all the little bugs around us all the time? As we get tossed about in this life, what the hell is that force that is just blowing us around?

In one of our philosophy classes in college we had to write a paper on our view of God. now because we were in college we all had a pretty disturbing view of God at the time. I am sure those views have changed over the years. I don't remember what I wrote but I am sure it was some existential or atheistic paper on the utter meaninglessness of life and of the idea of God. but Slim, he wrote this elaborate piece about how we were all these little pawns being subtly controlled and manipulated by ‘the Gods.’ How these mysterious and more powerful beings that we couldn’t see or hear but we somehow knew existed, because we could see the effects of their being all around us, controlled us in so many ways. At the time I didn't see much use in his paper, although our professor at the time loved the paper and rejoiced in its wit and irreverence. I'm still friends with Slim. And sometimes when I look back at that, I wonder if there wasn’t more truth to his exercise than any of us were giving it credit at the time. we were all a pretty cynical bunch of cigarette smoking intellectuals back then. Maybe there are beings more powerful than we are, so much so that we can’t even see them. just huge monstrous beings that only exist in the fourth dimension. Or in another dimension that we can’t see or measure yet...

In other news, not entirely unrelated, our summer tour of Europe has mysteriously vanished. The material losses that each member has suffered have been devastating. The poet and I stayed drunk pretty much for five days straight trying to talk our minds into the fact that we weren't going to be leaving any day now. today will be my first day sober. Trying to put the pieces back together. our agent has offered no compensation and very few answers. They say that ‘that's just the world of rock and roll.’ Somehow that doesn’t make us feel much better.

7-13-04

New York was incredible as always. Lost my cell phone in a cab as always. Looked at a million apts for sale. New York living is a strange crazy dream like state that people in the rest of the country would never understand. Kitchens are pretty lame if you even have a kitchen in your apartment. A real kitchen would cost you well over a half million dollars. Closet space is pretty limited. You may store your clothes in three different small closets scattered throughout your small studio, and store your shoes under the bed or under the sink. All of this is pretty normal. Since for three to four hundred thousand dollars you aren't going to get an actual bedroom, but just a one room studio apartment, your bed is right in the middle of your living room. Or maybe a better way to look at it is that people walk right into your bedroom and you don't have a living room. Your bathroom could be right next to your kitchen and could be smaller than a broom closet.

7-12-04

Morning. Dreams were insane last night. just woke up. room service brings me coffee and orange juice in bed every morning. I don't even have to get up. I just yell ‘come in!’ and they walk in and set down a tray on the desk. Awesome. Must become wealthy so this becomes my full time life again. Try to get the dreams down before I forget them.

There was Laura again. This is the third time I have dreamed of Laura that I can remember in the dream [but in waking state I do not know who this is.] In the dream I watched as the characters played the story and the retelling of the story out in front of me while I directed. As I watched, I remembered already writing this scene in the diaries before. Laura tells her father that she is a courtesan or geisha to me as his mistress is to him. the father is enraged. In fact this is the first now that I am awake that I have ever heard of this story and now don’t understand the significance.

The story of Laura I remember tearfully telling her mother or an older woman friend of ours. Laura was depressed. Laura would slowly get into this kind of deep depression and life would be unbearable for her. I would do everything to help her. this was the third lifetime I have spent with Laura trying different things I told the older woman, and still it doesn’t appear to get any better. All of a sudden I could see all three lifetimes. I took this for granted and yet I was amazed by it at the same time. as if wow isn't that strange that I can see all three lifetimes so clearly now in this one lifetime. I continued to tell the woman, The first time Laura and I killed ourselves together. she killed herself and then I did right afterwards. Then in the next lifetime Laura killed herself alone. That didn't seem to help either. And in this lifetime we had something else planned. I do not remember what. She would probably die again from her depression.

The insanity escalated as we tried to ward off this evil force that was trying to control or take over Laura. It was I and Laura’s father who were trying to fight it. huge clouds of fire bursting out all over the place as this dark force screamed at us in this deep voice. He said that we could escape if we could sing a song that had nothing to do with him.... I sang and was immediately lifted up into the air away from the scene. I tried not to think about what was going on below but I kept going back to the scene with my mind and therefore I kept bouncing back into the scene. I would sing and up I would float, and then back to the scene.

I had many visions of an ongoing war that had begun on the earth. Punks were gathering and doing battle. Thousands of people getting slaughtered in the streets. and thousands of aliens also. Lots of smoke and ships hovering overhead. I watched. As if it was on TV. The world was at war with aliens it seems.

Later I prepared my car to go to the war. I had to drive to California—who was the girl this time?—she was older. I was not into her. why was I with her? I was packing my car with stuff. I was filling it with fuel. Beaver was helping me get ready. I was dreading the trip cross country. I was driving a huge RV.

There was a war with the middle east. We were marching down one of their streets. I saw the people in the different fields fighting. The streets were littered with debris and bodies. I talked with my fellow soldiers and we spoke about just blowing them all up at once. How easy it would be. we recited German poems about doing it. We were in a store buying supplies. You could buy these little mini-fans, that we used as propellers of some kind to launch bombs. I told the men behind the counter that we were considering blowing them all up, and he said look at all the progress we have made there. we would have to rebuild all of it again. I told him that I was just there in the battle field and trust me there is nothing to rebuild. It is just a bunch of shit right now. they are attacking us from everywhere right now. we need to blow them all up and start over.

7-11

In New York for three days looking at apartments. Hanging with the Chap and Rockaway. The average price per square foot in America right now is $91 per square foot. That is considered very high. In Manhattan the average price is $900 per square foot. Just for perspective. Its unreal. Ten times the national average. People are standing in line around the block to buy a 400 square foot studio apartment with no bedroom for $400,000. It is fucking hilarious. Made even more hilarious by the fact that I am seriously considering the same thing. but nothing is like New York. It is the everywhere and the everything. the girls are so nice and friendly. Everyone is really. This isn't the New York of our parents generation. Everyone walks around on cloud nine. Happily grumpy so to speak. Or perhaps grumpily happy. for as exceiting and wonderful as it is, life in New York still has its challenges. As a cabbie yesterday eagerly explained to me about the virtues of Miami, “Why would you want to move from paradise to this? Look at all this traffic man! And the weather! Look at this rain!” He was right. New York had been soggy and gloomy for two days now. dark and dreary. But somehow that didn't seem to affect people too much.

7-10

Current Spin: the band Adom. They are from America, but in England now. good band. still boring though. Songwriting structure is still primitive and predictable. The poet, while playing Internet checkers, tells me as I relay this idea to him, that music needs to repeat in order for the listener to grasp it. interesting. ‘I will make a note that you said that,’ I tell him, ‘but I don't know if I agree with you.’ most songwriting works like this: start the theme, sing a verse, repeat it a few times, and then move on to your chorus or refrain and repeat it a few times, and then do it all again. Not all songs go that way. most have bridges. Which are usually a slightly different variant of the verses repeated a few times that climax into the chorus which will repeat twice as long this time until the song ends—we call that the outro, unless of course, it goes back to a third verse, this time though most instruments will drop out and it will just be vocals and bass and drums, which will then explode into the final chorus which will repeat twice. Nirvana exploited this format and perfected it. Personally I can’t down any of this. Because I've written hundreds of songs that follow this format, and so have all of my favorite artists throughout time immemorial. That's just the way that we are all used to developing as songwriters. That's the craft.

But every now and then someone will break the mold and of course that's when we all go bonkers because its so different and gutsy. Think of abbey road or the wall or diamond dogs. Think of almost any album by jethro tull. Think of Sigur Ross. (now that I think of it—I'm cheating actually because it’s the next morning—think of mbv, or the beastie boys or Beck) Radiohead used to write standard songs which were good but still boring and predictable most of the time, but then once they hit kid a they just threw it all out there and turned music upside down. I know that's when they lost a lot of fans but that's when I became a fanatic. My boys in U2 or Muse or Remy Zero or the Oils or Travis or Coldplay still write VERY predictably structured and standard songs—not breaking any boundaries in their structure because you can tell that’s not their aim as much as commercial accessibility—but somehow they pull it off. The songs are still great. Metallica on the other hand manages to break all the structural rules and still maintains its commercial appeal. I'm not a huge metallica fan mainly because I've never been into that kind of music but they're actually a great example of guys who just really broke all the rules structurally. They are an amazing band. the older I get the more I like them. the grateful dead were another group of guys who really broke away from it entirely. they have these mammoth verses that seem to take forever to resolve. You have to listen to the song twenty times to ‘get it.’ great music for stoners. That's why their only hits were their really simple cheesy songs. Not their best. their best songs were the ones that just went on forever, always charting new territory which each new musical passage. Brilliant songwriting in the Dead’s large library.

I spent so many years during the Shattered years trying to stray away from that kind of structure. I hit a stage where I just refused to write a standard song. I also was extremely unsuccessful commercially and as the story goes struggled at below poverty level for longer than should be allowed for my unwillingness to give in to the commercial powers that be. all my friends and family would beg me to drop all the artistic nonsense for a while just so I could make some money and not have to struggle so much. But you do what you do when you're doing it. that's what I was into at the time. you can still hear remnants of that on the acoustic in new York album—that was the apex, the swan song, of that period for me. The six to ten minute long songs that were trying to break structure boundaries. Between me and this old beat up laptop alone, I will admit that my best examples of that from that era were never recorded. The songs were too complex to work out with a band with the limited money and resources I had at the time. There is a song called ‘Friends’ that is my favorite. About ten minutes long. It just went on forever. All these little parts. Nothing repeated. I will record it one day if I can ever remember how it goes. The relearning process will be a bitch.

My last three albums were all about just trying to master the simple standard normal songwriting structure. Like when we were kids. Because it had been so long since I had written songs like those. It was fun again to be doing it like that. but now I'm bored with it again. A song like superhero girl. You don't get much more standard than that. [but I think about the song ‘the journey---which is just a bunch of little pieces of songs all put together, rather than standard structure—would have been even better if I wouldn’t have had two verses the same like that----that's what I mean—we do it just because its expected—but why do it at all? Repeat verses like that....] I have three more albums I want and need to make that will be pretty standard in the song structure. The songs are already written. The challenge is always getting the money and resources and the musicians together to record them. man I don't even think of the success of them or the commercial potential, I just need to get them out. after that, I would really like to explore more---where nothing repeats or resolves. break all the rules and just say fuck all to the whole structure thing.

Ps---I am up on the rooftop of our apartment in the ghetto smoking and writing. Bas yells up to me as he leaves for the night that I have really lost my mind and I need to make a move FAST. I think he's right. poor me is all I can say. My cynicism level has reached all time highs. Even for me he reminds me. once he mentioned it, I could see what he was saying. lost in a sea of uncertainty. I don't do well in uncertainty. That much I am certain of. Has it been worth it for me to chance it all on this music of mine and throw all caution and logic to the wind, even at the risk of going back to being a penniless pauper again, just so I could keep doing what my heart of hearts wants and enjoys most out of life? at this point, I can only reply that I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I just don't know if I have it in me to do anything else. that's the truth of it. its been said many times and indeed is as clichéd as your average number one song, but I'll say it again. Artists are not made. They are born. If there is any one thing that has kept me alive in the last three years it has only been that hunger to create more music. its like the same thing surfers or skydivers have. its just this unbridled lust for the next rush. In this case the rush is achieved from hearing that new music you just laid down coming through the speakers.

7-8-04

Drunk tonight. We went to a party for a friend’s birthday. The stress level is very high right now. our European tour has been postponed. My uncle is in the hospital, and I am living in a tiny rental apartment in a neighborhood that I can only describe as the ghetto. It is true after all what they say about stress or being upset and the appetite. I always thought it was a cliché. ‘can’t eat, can’t sleep.’ In fact two days ago the Stallion told me the same thing because of her broken heart... But you know, its totally fucking true. I am down to less than one meal a day now. i can’t even get a full meal down splitting it up into lots of little meals throughout the day. have no appetite. It is one am, I am about to go to bed after a long day, and I have yet to make it through an omelette all day. yesterday I managed to eat one half of one sandwich in the entire day, but it took me three separate sittings to do so. Some people eat a lot when they get upset. Man I can’t eat a fucking thing. if we don't get a break soon, I am going to fucking jump off a tall building and thoroughly enjoy watching innocent passersby stare horrified at my mutilated body on the street while I float up to infinity.

---break---

If you were on the outside of Miami looking in, as I have found myself lately, you would notice a strangeness here like nothing we have in America. Miami, in general, the whole area, South beach included, is still a Podunk town. a wannabe town with not much going on. American big industry and corporate headquarters have all moved away. South beach is like the lost city. Filled with tank-topped gay guys walking around with these tiny little dogs, stray cats (I'm not kidding---there are millions of them all over town) and slutty looking halter-topped girls who don't have money but want money real bad so they dress real slutty and act real bitchy; on the occasion, you may meet your average normal well mannered American white girl, but this is not very often. If you are ‘old money’ which I am not, you are easily offended by ‘new money’, which I am not either. But this is a given. if you live in Miami you are in a constant state of offense because no one here even knows what ‘old money’ is. They are still trying to get to ‘new money.’ so the pretense is very high, as it always is around people with no money who want to act like they have money. They have fake two hundred dollar sunglasses but they still rent. That type of thing. it is quite nauseating. I have been here a little more than a week and the only way to describe the feelings that are surfacing within me is “shock and awe.” What's left of the population here is what in America we would commonly refer to as “Guido type.” If you remember that song and video called “rico suave” then that is what I'm talking about. Even though in the rest of America that was the epitome of cheese, that is the norm here. The only music they have here besides the more traditional old school Cuban musics is hip hop or dance music---what is often referred to as ‘house.’ what is remarkable is that every single store plays the same mix of the same track of the same style of music pumping out of their store speakers --- from pizzerias to clothing stores to large clubs to cafes. Its uncanny. Some friends and I have conjectured that the only way to explain this strange coincidence is that every time a business owner goes to renew their business license, they are given a copy of this same horrid song and forced to sign a contract guaranteeing they will play it and nothing else during regular business hours. Cool bands like U2 or Coldplay are called “gringo music” here---meaning “music for the uncool white people who don't know how to dance and therefore don't need music that you can dance to.” How bad is it? to put it in perspective, Miami is the only P1 (population of 1 million or more) city in America that doesn’t have a rock radio station. the rock station here (she103 --- a really famous rock station back in the day) got turned into a hip hop station in the early nineties when the last of the Americans moved out. The classical music station here got turned into a dance music station in 2002. The dial is filled with rap, dance, Spanish, or hip hop music. This is crazy to fathom, I know, but this is the truth. Pop and rock stars do not play in Miami when they tour. they go as far as west palm beach usually, which is a little over an hour from here, or sometimes to fort Lauderhell. But never to Miami, because no one will show up if they come to Miami, because no one who lives in Miami knows who they are. It’s a very laidback atmosphere, where looking cool is more important than who you are or how you are. In fact if you try to engage someone in a conversation about politics or philosophy or personality traits or character or things of that nature, they will usually look at your funny and just walk away because they have no idea what you are talking about. People here just don't think about things like that. but they do love to talk about clothes or clubs or shoes or DJs. You cannot be witty in Miami, nor can you use irony, nor can you resort to sarcasm, or nonsense humor (think Monty python), because that is not part of their sense of humor. No one will get it and they will think you are teasing them and get offended. As crazy as this sounds, its true and it sucks if you are a northern white boy who never says what he means and never means what he says because you are always joking around about everything such as our good friend Bas. I remember one time specifically where Bas and Ferret, another guy who never says anything serious, and I were eating with la Princesa and her sister. We happened to be eating at a restaurant that they owned. These guys were just going off, all three of us really, being really sarcastic and ironic and silly, bouncing things off of each other, and not a serious thing was uttered in over a half hour. all of a sudden la Princesa stands up from the table and tells us all to get the hell out of their restaurant. She was standing there next to the table pointing at the door and yelling at us. and we were all looking at each other like “what?!” But the thing that I realized later is that she was getting very offended by us because she didn't understand half of the things we were saying. That's the other thing about it, probably the biggest impediment to the integration and development of Miami is the language barrier. There is still a strong pull to keep English as the official language because by borders only Miami is still part of America; at least in theory. But the problem is that no one speaks English. So that's hard for everyone. I foresee in the near future everyone just giving in and making Spanish the official language since it already is for the most part. The other thing you will notice almost immediately is that people do not smile here. Everyone comments on it but no one can figure out why it is. If you are a person who feels that New York and LA are the only places in America ‘to be,’ and that New England is the only place to ‘be from,’ then you are left walking around with your mouth hanging open like ‘Toto, I don't think we’re in Kansas anymore.’

Now with all of this said, Miami is still an amazing place because it is so different, like San Francisco, like Key West, like New York or LA, or New Orleans, or so many other American cities because of how unique they are to themselves. The dance/house music that you hear pumping through every nightclub in America now because they are trying to give the air of being cool most likely was made in Miami, or was originally influenced by Miami DJs. And it is true that there are more beautiful looking girls per capita here than almost anywhere in the world. and yes the fashion of Miami is pretty much the driving force of the entire country at this point. That whole ghetto fabulous look. The sense of style here is impeccable. Its everything to the people. But it is only that one kind of style. That kind of sleeveless shirt or un-tucked button down shirt and baggy jeans and sandals sporty look for the guys and that low rider jean and halter top slutty look for the girls. They wear their jeans super tight and a lot of them have these enormously large asses. Just huge. But they still stuff them into these super-tight jeans. And even if a chick has a huge stomach she will still wear a super-tight halter top and just let it all hang out. its wild. You would never see this in America. Its just over the top weird if you aren't from here or South America. But you get used to it and pretty soon you're dressing the same way.

How does a person wake up one day and realize that they live here? I mean, its one thing to visit South America and be all into exploring and discovering it; its conscious. But to wake up one day and realize that you live there and you have no idea how you got there. that's an entirely different thing. so that's where I'm at. Woke up one day and I look around and I'm like, ‘what the fuck is this?’ ‘Its South America. You're in the capital. Miami.’ ‘where did you say I was?’ ‘Miami.’ ‘Why am I here?’ ‘you're in a band.’ ‘I am?’ ‘yes.’ ‘is it a good band?’ ‘yes.’ ‘well that's good. Are we a Latin band or a dance band?’ ‘no. you're a rock band.’ ‘we are?’ ‘yes.’ ‘well what the hell are we doing here then?’ ‘can’t answer that one. you're on your own.’

I'll tell you what though, Miami may not be too North American anymore, but in a few years Miami is going to be IT again. It’ll take a few more years, but its time is coming. You can feel it in the air. Real estate is climbing faster than almost anywhere in the nation and South beach is just booming with new condo towers. the weather is beautiful. the beaches are beautiful. the people are beautiful.

7-7-04

Received a call from the Italian stallion today. very nice to hear from her. she is hurting. this weekend I go to nyc to look around a bit more. hopefully I will see her. and cheer her up.

Still in shock over the tour dates being moved. The band is in a depression. Walking around in a daze. Something has to give somewhere. This is maddening. What I feel is trapped. What I hear whispered in my ear when I am quiet tells me something different. But how do we know?

On the simpler front, we have gotten really into Internet chess. Don't know where or when this came about. But you just hit a button and you are playing chess with someone somewhere in the world. its all anonymous but one minute you are playing a French or Italian or English or American person. we've become quite addicted. Late at night. as a way of distraction. Up to the expert level now. getting our asses kicked. Probably by ten year olds sitting in their bedroom. Great fun. welcome to the future.

7-6

uncle is in the hospital. Already had quadruple bypass surgery a few years ago. He's only 65 years young. Crazy. I spoke with him today on the phone. He tells me that he knows that I am a freak and don't believe in heaven and hell and all that, but that three times now he has had visions of the black hooded creatures mumbling gibberish coming to get him. I told him that I believed sincerely that if that's what he believes that then that is exactly what he will experience and invited him to change his beliefs and maybe he would like to create something a little bit more pleasing or appealing for his near future... he said with all due respect that I was crazy and that reality was reality. That we can’t change it, no matter what we believe. Which of course is exactly what he will experience, since that's what he believes. So in the end, he’s right. and so am I.

Hard for him to breathe due to severe chest pain. But he tells me, “listen Fishy, I know you're going to be leaving soon for your tour. If I should die, while you're gone, I don't want you to feel like you have to come back... I don't want you to mess up what you’ve worked so hard for your entire life just to come to my funeral. No matter what anyone else says. You hear me? I'm proud of you son.” I didn't know what to say. I just played it cool. “Well I don't think we have to worry about that uncle. Lets just see what happens tomorrow.” I said.

If that weren't enough for the shit of all days, little did he know that just a few hours later we were told by our booking agent that the European tour is being pushed back more. More waiting. The usual crap. may not leave for another month or more. I didn't have the heart to tell uncle. If he is going to die, then let him die thinking I'm out there successful. Let him go out with a smile on his face. I just couldn’t tell him.

Current Read: studying morocco still. what's great about it is that as you begin studying one country and one time in history, you are soon learning about a lot of other countries and eras too; just keep cross checking and skipping around throughout history, playing catch up to references they make to one country or another. So everything begins to tie together more. all the pieces coming together hour by hour. Words that were once nameless faceless random and mysterious now make sense: carthage, the berbers, the semites, Byzantine empire, the crusades of course, Constantinople, Phoenicia (our modern alphabet comes from them.) fascinating. It goes on and on. History has become an obsession.

One cannot help but think of the current American political scene from an historical viewpoint while studying the history of so many other countries. After watching the recent Fahrenheit 911 film, and now knowing what we know, after the horror and shock subsides a bit, the question is, what do we do about it now? what can we do as a people to bring things back a bit to a fair playing field?

In the good news department, Kerry chose Edwards as his running mate. So we may have a chance. [and again, I say this not as a democrat, which I'm not; but just as an American.] let the solemn reluctant hero, call him the heavy bear, and the happy go lucky farm-boy in there for a while. hope is on their side. At least you get the feeling they're honest folk.

7-5

Many sexual exploits the last few weeks, which I cannot go into in the diaries. One recently involving the Moroccan girl was extraordinarily memorable. I will throw it into the future so as never to lose it in my library of recollections.

With this said, for the record of the time, I still feel lonely as hell in general, a deep sad loneliness inside of me. the kind that says ‘I don't care what kind of experiences you are having... if it isn't the purest deepest most connected magical thing ever, then forget about it.’ Longing to meet the one who owns my heart already. I wouldn’t trade these experiences for anything. Except for one thing. And that would be to meet HER. I'm a lucky guy and I know it. And I am filled with appreciation for how lucky I am to have these experiences. But I still cannot help but look into the eyes of every girl I meet everyday and wonder...

I fell asleep soon after this wild and spontaneous experience last night with the Moroccan girl lying next to me; I awoke to the craziest dream a few hours later. There was this girl praying to God; she was kneeling down in this giant white room. Soon I realized that it was actually me. But I was a girl. I was a Christian girl. And I was praying to the Christian God. on my knees. In deep prayer. God hovered out in front of and high above me.

In the next moment God whispered something to me about who he was. It was as if a curtain had been lifted. Many of them. and all of a sudden the white room I was in was no longer white. But instead, hundreds upon hundreds of little rooms, just like the one I was kneeling in, were appeared all around me. and hundreds and hundreds of other people on their knees praying to the same God. I saw all kinds of people below me, next to me, above me, and across from me. Everywhere, as far as I could see. it was like this giant three-dimensional labyrinth. And I was just one of thousands of people all looking toward the center. Toward this godlike light radiating out to all of us. everyone was praying at once, and in all these different languages.

Current Read: studying ancestry.com. trying to find my last 25%. trying to research where my father’s father’s family is from. I have them traced back six generations. Florida to Ohio to Indiana to Virginia to Iowa to Kentucky [in reverse order]. But still no mention of what country they originated from. I seriously had no idea that my American roots went so far back. And I certainly didn't know it was from such ... middle American states. mostly farmers. So one could say I'm 25% farmer. They were all born ‘at home’ and each wife had like six to eight children before they died at a rather young age. I think having all those kids at such young ages with no medical facilities took its tool on women back then. The research I find exciting and humbling. I just had no idea I was so American. So I really am, at least partly, a full on American in my blood. Searching the census reports is very cool. but I'm about as far back as I can go now, and cannot find any of the names of my great great grandfathers parents. So now I'm at a loss to know what to do next. No birth certificates because of the home births so they're just showing up on census reports here and there. and at the time census reports weren't asking for parent’s names. Tricky. The story has always been that they were from Ireland Scotland Wales or England. Depending on who you ask. So who knows. it would be nice to know though since I have the rest of my family traced back now. the great ‘who am I and how did I get to be who I am’ game.

7-4

Emailed Juliet this morning that if she were not ultimately my wife that she would certainly be the closest second. That it is an honor to be getting to know her as a good solid lifelong friend, again—--[feels like that kind of friendship—something that has continued throughout many lifetimes.] at brunch this morning, felt a good sense of relief from jotting those words down to her. Kind of like sending a message in a bottle out to sea, or ripping up a love letter into a million little pieces and throwing it up into the wind and letting them fly away. it took the pressure off of my mind concerning what could be called the ‘Juliet factor.’ So now no matter what happens, whether it is she, or as I suspect, a passing fancy on the way to the altar with my true love, its all good. my feeling now is that Juliet being the closest thing I have met to someone I would like to spend lots of time with in the last few years has just captured a certain something in my mind. My mind is at ease though now.

Something very addictive about Miami to me still, the beautiful weather and the breathtaking skylines overlooking the water. lots of things still to complete with my boys, but I would be much happier up in nyc. Something dreadful here as well, a deadness in the air, a nothingness that although every now and then it appears like something, is truly nothing; you can actually feel it. Rockaway says to me about hanging out in Miami, “I wish I could be hanging out with people I actually like rather than just tolerate. I've never seen a place where you get introduced to someone five times and they still don't know who you are the next time you meet them.” It’s uncanny. Juliet mentioned that as we are about to leave places that have a lot of karma for us, it all comes crashing in, almost as a way to keep us there for some weird reason. I continue to tell myself that there is nothing left for me here, and that would be true if it were not for my boys.

I have found it hard now that I am right at the edge to take the final step. But luckily we ended up by pure accident, perhaps more ignorance, in a very slummy and tiny apartment in the ghetto essentially. As I type the toilet is leaking buckets of water onto the floor of the tiny bathroom. Towels are soaked all over the place. and they have the water pipe blocked so you can’t stop it without some special wrench. Ah, the benefits of renting. So it certainly makes it easier to leave here. and also we are on South beach, versus the mainland; and South beach is not as nice or appealing or cozy as the mainland is. the mainland of Miami still holds a lot of charm for me. South beach not much at all. I've observed also that Bas has mysteriously, miraculously, serendipitously begun a very deep and passionate new relationship with a really nice girl. She could be the one. so that's a good thing too. because he's going to be pretty busy with her for the next six months or so. You know how that goes. Next week I will go look at more apts in New York.

Current Spin: North by Elvis Costello. Perhaps his best album ever? Really good. Terry Reilly in C. Interesting avant garde minimalism from the late sixties. Don't like it as much as Philip glass or Steve reiche. Predictable. Exists only because it had to. something needed to.

7-3

Went to an amazingly fun party today with the band. many synchronistic events with several of the people there, who I didn't know at first and then after more careful exploration we realized that we had all these connections between us. cool. One thing I have noticed with no particularly air of importance attached to it is that as soon as I made a firm commitment to sell the house and car and move to NYC, all of a sudden I am making all of these really great new friendships here in Miami. so strange.

Juliet called today. spoke like old friends for an hour or so. Time whizzing by. She comments that the mind is the ultimate erogenous zone, the mental is the ultimate aphrodisiac. I would agree. Style is important. God knows I believe that one. insert chuckle here. But it is the mind that really turns me on. I think a lot of people here don't realize that yet. hence its reputation for shallowness. Certainly not unwarranted in its current stage of infancy. But South beach is growing on me. the other city that never sleeps. You feel it creeping up on you unexpectedly. One minute I'm selling everything I own to in order to move to New York; two days later I'm looking at properties to buy so I can “have a place to come back to here.” you know, its just kind of an addictive place. the city is growing so fast its unbelievable. You can be smack dab in the middle of a burgeoning business development area and still see wild chickens crossing the street and vendors selling things on every corner of the busy streets---old Cuban guys in little tank tops holding up five mangos for a dollar or bottles of water. That's Miami. it’s a crazy place. as Bas likes to say, it feels like we live on a remote island here, far away from the rest of the country. there is this ‘you can do anything you want to as long as you don't hurt anybody else’ attitude in Miami that is probably the most predominant aspect of the city besides its primarily-Latino culture. Anything goes in Miami. and everyone knows it. including the governmental officials and the police etc. its very relaxed like that. office buildings are filled with people who come to work in jeans and sandals. Fashion is everything to the average Miamian. And because its so goddamn hot here fashion can mean something as simple as how low your jeans are hanging off your ass or how high a girl’s halter top rises from her belly. That's one of the cool things about Miami. but it gets old pretty fast. you miss real fashion.

Current Read: Studying Morocco now.

7-3

I was studying the history of Morocco this morning, and I foresaw this quest to learn about and discover every facet of the planet nearing completion one day soon. and then what? I got kind of scared for a minute. A panic set in for a minute. I thought to myself, ‘once I'm done learning about everything there is, then what? Do I just go sit in a cave somewhere and wait to die?’ It reminded me of when we were younger and we first discovered the great writers and poets and philosophers. You know, the ‘great thinkers’ phase. The college years. A few years spent ravagely studying them all, soaking it in, looking for clues... and then one day the novelty of it, the newness, the mystery of it, wears off. You start focusing more on real world stuff and less on the cerebral. You realize that you could go on like that forever and still never read them all. But that you don't really need to read them all. You get the basic ‘best one thousand books ever written’ down and then, for me at least, you just kind of lose interest and move on. it was great fun but now its done, to turn a phrase. Anyway, I noticed the same thing with music too. you know when you first discover a new style of music, like classical, or Brasilian pop, or drum and bass, and you ravage it for a while, learn everything there is to learn about it, collect them all, and then one day you reach this endpoint so to speak. Its not necessarily burnout as much as been there done that. its not as if you don't enjoy it anymore, because you do. I mean, I do. but it just isn't new anymore. It doesn’t have the same ability to mysteriously transfix our attention as it once did. I notice this with everything. I get kind of super absorbed in things that are new and then once I get through them, to the other side, then I move on to something else to discover or explore. [remember that football phase? For years I never even knew football existed, and then for a year straight I must have watched over a hundred DVDs about football. I could name every NFL player in the hall of fame in order. Crazy. but then one day I noticed the obsession wearing thin.]

[in a moment’s thought so many other things tie together from this dialogue... I had been thinking about how when people that you know ask you ‘what are you doing tonight?’ and you know they may be going to a movie, or going to dinner, or going to a bar with friends, or going to a club to pick up girls, or to a party or whatever... and since I was very young I have always been kind of isolated from a lot of that, not as much as some mad scientists types we hear of, but probably pretty damn close to that. an extremely social anti-social kind of person I think is a good way to describe it. I have always had a real hard time with things like that, because I get really nervous and anxious at social things because I am always thinking about all the work I could be doing. I have always found more pleasure in “working,” and a lot of times working is just creating or reading or studying something. Even though my heart always longs for close solid friendships as well. you know, you don't lose that. its not as if you don't have that. because you do. you still want to have the security and warm fuzzy feeling of having good friends and family around you. but rather than spend any time going to hang out, I've always found it more rewarding to just keep on working all the time. what I really like is when I can just have friends hanging around while I work. That's cool. like they can be in another room watching a movie or drinking and talking and I can kind of still be there, but I can be writing or songwriting or studying or whatever. look and make the occasional comment. Best of both worlds...

still, you don't often get that. most of the time your friends want to go out and do stuff. Like say Friday night hits and all your friends go to a party, but I want to stay home in order to watch three or four classic French films, because at the time I am ‘researching classic French film.’ “Of course you are,” as the Poet would joke. and that's what I'm saying, back to the original point. I'm not sure what it is. its this never-ending hunger to know everything. so its like one day you realize you’ve seen every classic or ‘considered great’ American movie ever made. I mean, you just wake up one day and you are at the end of the road with it. its sad in a way. Because that's over for you now. you're done with it. so the only thing you can do is move on to all the great Italian directors, then the French, or the Iranian, or Russian, or Japanese, etc, and after a few years, you realize that you and film have finished courting. Your relationship is over. You can watch movies over and over again, but for the most part you are done with that. you’ve reached the wall.

Now I’ve noticed that in my brief time here I have done that with so many things already; literature and poetry, theology and religion and philosophy of course. The sciences are always good to go back to you, dig deeper. But you know, how do you get beyond expert at something? I guess that from there you can start looking for the undiscovered...

[I take that back. experts are different. They keep on studying something beyond the endpoint. They get to the end and they decide to turn back and look around more. they get involved in actually memorizing aspects of a certain subject or field. That's never been my thing. I've noticed that I m more interested in just researching to the endpoint. Getting through it, to that deepest most basic understanding of it, so you see the ‘who what why how when and where’ of something and that's enough. There are always going to be people who are more interested in studying every minute detail of something and just spending their whole life in that, and we should leave that to them. Those are the experts.]

Music of course. I don't think there’s an artist or album that has ever existed or been made that I don't have in my collection. And I don't mean that from a layperson’s point of view, like when your best friend Johnny says that between bites of his cheeseburger, where they may have a few thousand cds in their collection that they're real proud of. But I'm talking about more from a scholar’s or researcher’s viewpoint: ‘have you ever heard this 1933 recording of pygmy mouth harp music from central Africa?’ [there are no pygmies in central Africa of course.] along with all the usual stuff that we all know about. I'll go to a store in a new country and say to a few of the clerks (because its impossible for us as non-natives to know all the good stuff except the really popular stuff) ‘Look, pick out every single classic or cool or cult album ever made in this country and start putting them on the counter. Would you do that for me?’ and of course for them it’s a ball and for me as well. and it’s a great way to dig in deeper than we can if we’re just reading magazines or whatever. but even then you’re still going to miss a lot of stuff. [I did that in Italy and walked away with hundreds of CDs and then one day on the beach I bought a bunch of bootlegs or pirated cds and I pop in this supposed Nelly CD and instead this amazing Italian music comes on and it turns out that its this guy Ivanno fussatti, who is now my favorite Italian singer, and out of all the hundreds of cds that the clerks chose for me at the stores, no one picked out any of his... so you never know. it seems there will always be little treasures out there left for us to discover. Let us hope so.]

You just get to that point where you know and own it all. [again, for the experts, the totally anal guys with the ripped up converse high tops and horn rimmed glasses, there's always going to be ‘that one trumpet player who played with Dizzy back in 56 at Harold’s who made this one obscure album that you can only get by writing his aunt Mildred or through trading on the underground...’ thank God for that shit, because I think that's what keeps a lot of people alive. You meet guys who are that way about their fucking tools or about trucks or fishing or about comics; all sorts of things. some women are that way about china or little dolls. You know, its just that ‘special something’ that gets them off, gives them a little tunnel in their consciousness to burrow into sometimes.

I think of Juliet and her boyfriend and how absorbed they are in something called “trading seeds.” They trade the seeds of trees and flowers and herbs and whatnot with other people all over the world. and then I guess they plant them in the earth and grow them. its fucking an unbelievable idea when you think about it. seed trading. Its like going back in time to primitive human kind of stuff. but yes these are the experts. These are the people who major in one thing and minor in a few other things. these are the people that we hire when we need something done the right way. but this isn't what I'm speaking about necessarily. For me, I've never been into that as much as others. I've always unconsciously strayed away from being an expert at anything to be honest. [although try as I might to stay true to my dilettante ways I find that there are things that I am slowly absorbing so completely that I am sadly becoming at an expert in them.] Feeling that in knowing everything there is to know about that ‘one thing’ that they are in return not seeing so much more about so many other things. knowing the tree so well that they forget about the forest. [I'm writing before I complete the thoughts here so I know I'm rambling a bit, but hang on ... we may get somewhere here.] what I mean is that there are always going to be people out there who know every single thing about English history. As much as these people fascinate me, and as necessary as they are to us, for without them we wouldn’t know anything at all, I have never been able to find within myself the same desire for that kind of obsession with minutia that they seem to possess. But what I do love doing is obtaining a kind of minor-mastery on every and all subjects. And to me its like work, in that I am very dedicated to it and passionate about it, but its fun. it feels like a life mission. Why I don't know. what is it?]

Sometimes I wonder, what is all this insane researching about? What is this quest to soak it all in so fast? what the hell am I looking for? And once I get to that point where there is nothing left to discover on or outside of the earth... I mean, there's only so far we can go, because a lot of stuff out there we just don't know about and cannot know about, then what? I mean a lot of life on earth for us humans still is a waiting game. There is only so far we can go with our limited knowledge of things here still. luckily there is a lot of crap out there as mentioned above that people can get absorbed in to take their mind off the fact that the real core issues, the real meat of the matter, we are still fucking clueless about. Like the ‘who are we, where the hell are we, why are we, and where are we going’ matters.

[one assumes that this is why people jump on one of the religion or philosophy ships so quickly after they are born. They're either indoctrinated by their parents and/or government to do so and they stick with it and then do the same with their own children; or they go out and search for a while and then find one that feels the most comfortable to them and they stick with that one. Its easier for us as humans to just ride on one of those even if you know its not real, than to float out in the middle of this ocean of uncertainty. Now of course, in reality the ocean of uncertainty is all there really is for us now at this stage of our evolution; always has been like this. it’s the only thing that we know for sure is real and honest. Being religious or philosophical, pretending to know or believe something that you cannot be certain about or know for sure is a form of lying to yourself and everyone around you. It’s a way of turning off your thinking or your logic mind in order to keep your sanity so to speak.... but for me, I've always found it a kind of insanity in itself. As comfortable and stable as religious or philosophical ideologies can make us feel, and so I understand the temptation, I still feel a bit uneasy when encountering others among us who attach themselves to any one or other. Its one thing to meet someone who says ‘I was raised catholic, or Muslim...’ But its another thing entirely when you meet someone who proclaims ‘I am a catholic, or I am a Muslim, or I am an atheist.’ All of these people scare the hell out of me to be honest, because you know you're not dealing with a totally rational logical thinking mind. There's something a bit off there, as much as they can’t see it, or you don't want to see it. but its this suspension of disbelief in the person that they somehow are able to pull off even in the real world, in order to avoid having to face the horror of how alone we are out here floating around on this big rock not knowing shit about who we are or why we are here or where we came from or where we’re going. Scary? Hell yeah. Understandable to turn off like that and just hop on a religious bus? Sure. But not for me. [don't get me wrong; I love the social and cultural aspects of it. I love getting together with like minded people to explore and celebrate the power and glory and magic of our collective idea of ‘God/source/the force’ and all of the values that over the years we have attached to being religious. At least some of them. I'm into it. Its just not my thing to sit there and say I'm sold on any of it a hundred percent.]

No. for me, I'm going to keep searching and researching. But that leads to my deepest question. I mean, if you already know not even halfway into it, that when you get through to the other side, after you’ve learned and seen and heard and touched and tasted everything there is in the entire fucking world, that you're still not going to have a clue about the real heart of the matter, that you're still going to be left with that hunger and craving to learn more and discover more... what then? Just sitting there in the dark cave? Waiting for Godot? Waiting for lightening to strike? Waiting for some sign from the heavens? As if somehow this time it’ll be different. God or the universe will really talk to me. and I will really get some answers...

[lest we remind ourselves that last time someone went and sat in a cave to get some answers it was Muhamed and he came out with Allah and the Koran. And millions upon millions of us humans died because of that over the centuries...] [and a few centuries before that, they buried old Jesus in a cave and according to some legends he came back to life after a few days and even more millions of people died in his name.] So we have to be careful when someone says ‘hey man, I'm going to sit in a cave and wait for God to talk to me.’ With God, all of them so far, unfortunately has come a lot of war and death close behind him. So I'm not looking for that God. I think we’ve had enough of him. I'm looking for a different God. A new God. A more relaxed, enlightened, intelligent, laid back, transcendent God.

If any God I meet in my cave starts in with any of that ‘us versus them’ talk, I'm just going to look the other way and pretend I don't see him or hear him. ‘Uuummm, pardon me, I know you're saying you're God and all, but would you mind just moving over a bit. You're actually blocking my view and I'm waiting for someone...’ ‘But I am that someone you are waiting for. I am God!’ ‘O.k., well do you have any enemies?’ ‘No, not that I can think of.’ ‘Good answer. So there's no one that you want me to kill or torture for you?’ ‘No. of course not.’ ‘Not even any of those extremist Muslims or Christians or Catholics that have been such bastards over the years? You don't want them stoned to death or anything like that? No secret military missions in the middle of the night, no taking over other countries in the name of you? No suicide bombings or any of that stuff?’ ‘No. But I do have an idea. Why don't we take the lot of them, Osama bin laden and Arafat, and Jerry Falwel and Pat Robertson and all those crazies, and of course Sharon from Israel, he's a real monster, and get George junior and his father in there, and then, what is the name of that American senator that is so against homosexuality that he would consider his own son a sinner if he were gay...’ ‘you mean Rick santorum or something like that..’ ‘Yes, boy is he a loon.’ ‘Hey its all in your name God.’ ‘Well not for long son. Get him in there too. I'll leave the rest up to you. But grab that crazy little black fellow, Farakan, before he gets someone hurt.’ ‘O.k. and then what? Don't tell me to kill them. or else you're outta here. I can’t believe in any of that killing stuff anymore. I don't know about you, but I've had enough.’ ‘Me too. Listen, take the lot of them, line them up for a few days in each major city around the world and let the people come around and throw water balloons at them. just a few days in each city.’ ‘Are you serious?’ ‘Absolutely. Put them on tour and let the people have their way with them. water balloons right in the old kisser. They deserve it. that’ll show them. Then we’ll hear how sinful homosexuality is. But listen.’ ‘Yes God?’ ‘Don't forget to grab any of those folks in America and some of the other uncivilized countries around the world who are still promoting capital punishment.’ ‘you mean the murderers who try to pretend they are not murderers?’ ‘Yes. I like you son.’ ‘Thanks. I like you too.’ ‘But then let them go. o.k.? No prison, no torture, no murder. By then they’ll get the message and maybe start using their charm and charisma and intelligence to do some good in the world.’ I kneel down to my knees. ‘You really are God after all.’ ‘Well actually Dylan was God. But he didn't want the job. A real crotchety old coot. So I stepped in.’ ‘You know I always kind of expected that.... God, can I ask you a question before you leave me all alone in this cave?’ ‘Sure.’ ‘What about meat? Do you eat meat?’ ‘I don't eat. Don't have time for it. But I've heard it’s a lot of fun.’ ‘Well... can I eat meat? Is it o.k.?’ ‘If you have the heart and stomach for it, then go ahead. If you don't, then don't. in the bigger picture, it isn't going to matter.’ ‘Yeah I like that. thanks. And God one more thing... is there any way, after I do all this for you, that maybe I can get like two or three days straight with Minnie Driver? Naked? You know, fooling around and everything? And then maybe we can have kids and stuff?’ ‘Sure why not. Now good luck my boy. Have fun.’ ‘Bye God.’

Current Spins: Rob Hirst (from midnight oil) Impossible shame. Great music! check it. Jethro Tull, Passion play. This is some long boring English folk music shit. I hate the flute. But with all due respect I normally love jethro tull. The new phoenix, alphabetical. Not as good as the first, but I still believe.

A few days later, in New York, Sam, the writer from the New York Times, falls asleep after a long night in and out of our hotel room. She is naked now, under the covers. Fast asleep. I am sitting on a chair by the table, drinking Champaign and reading her journal which she left on the night table... I scroll through the last few weeks...

Voila le petit mots de mon journal, reads the introduction [Here! The little words of my journal.]

June 7, 2004

Fishy and I shared a hotel room facing the Atlantic Ocean and witnessed a sunrise together after making love all night. We also shared a bath, and I wanted to absorb it, to lose myself in the moment. But I couldn’t allow myself the luxury completely. I wonder, as I tell my friends about my random adventures with various men, if I am purposely sharing myself with them in order to develop characters for a book and for no other reason. But I do love Fishy. He lives more passionately than anyone I have ever known.

May 12, 2004

Life is a work of art. It's filled with stories. It should be lived that

way. Purposely make the stories interesting. Purposely put yourself in

difficult situations to measure your worth as a human being. For example, I

want to go to France for several reasons. My grandfather whom I adore will

soon die. It's an inevitable reality of old age. But while everyone else in

society worries about themselves and their careers, I want to be with him

because it would challenge me in ways a career never will.

[nothing of me there. how boring. But she does have a flair for the dramatic doesn’t she...]

May 3, 2004

I kissed Fishy Friday. Or, rather, he kissed me. Our lips joined for about 10 seconds, maybe less. It was explosive, but wrong because neither of us is ready for anything. I don't want anything serious and he never knows what he wants. Fishy... the boy is a mystery.

April 28, 2004

Fishy,

You are for inspirational purposes only. I use you. I imagine our lips

pressed together, but dare not satisfy the desire. I fear losing this

beautiful feeling you've awakened in me. It's a beautiful thing this

chemical my body releases when I think of you. I fear the following scene I

witnessed at a restaurant once: His hands pressed against his face. He looks

out at the window and the overweight woman tossing out her plate. He barely

looks at the woman sitting in front of him. His elbows rest on the table.

She looks at him, and he doesn't even bother to return the gaze. I don't ever want that to happen to me. Fishy, my angel of inspiration, don't ever touch me. let our love forever haunt our imaginations and nothing more. I do not want to lose what I feel for you dear boy.

[I watched her sleep and drank till I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. Eventually I crawled into bed with her. watching her sleep. I have begun to collect lovers all over the world. Honestly, I would trade it all to meet the one. But until that day arrives, this is something I relish. I love Sam. I love her brain. I love her old soul.]

7-2-04

Marlon Brando died last night. he was eighty years old, so good for him. nothing to mourn there. just celebrate the man and the legend. He was one of the Beatles; that's for sure.

When reading about the Brando antics over the last twenty or thirty years, just some crazy stuff, one wonders... is that going to be inevitable for us? to get that loony and over the top in our own lives. Of course I'm thinking this in this Cuban bar. It’s a Friday night. the place is packed with partiers taking in the end of the week. large groups of smiling nine to five faces. But me I'm not nine to five. So Friday doesn’t mean as much when you're working around the clock, making your own hours. ALWAYS making it happen, rather than just punching a clock for another paycheck. I've had both. they both have their plusses and minuses. But I digress. So I'm alone and sitting at this little table drinking mojitos, smoking Cuban cigars, and typing on my laptop. Just me and the laptop. People must think I'm fucking mad. Who is that freak over there typing away with that cigar dangling out of his mouth? [The waitresses here are all ugly. I will have to drink a lot to see outer beauty in them. although I'm sure they are very nice.]

After hearing of Brando’s passing, I am thinking to myself, and not revealing it to anyone, ‘am I already insane? ‘Brando insane? Perhaps I just don't know it yet. already displaying many of the sociopathic, hermitic qualities.’’ The truth is that we were supposed to be on tour in Europe by now. So this is borrowed time. I had no plans for tonight. figured I would be in the UK. So here I sit in a bar smoking and drinking and typing madly. In a crowded bar but somehow completely isolated from the rest of the patrons. Rattling off a few one-liners. Week’s worth of crap floating around up there. feels good to let the week out, even if it is entirely imaginary. [did you know that the days of the week Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday come from the Druid names of gods? Yes, still studying Great Britain history.]

I'm off to some remote location tomorrow. I have no idea where. I will log on. Book a flight to somewhere and take off for the weekend by myself. Just get the hell out of dodge to do some exploring. I can’t be sure but I get the feeling that I cannot be here for the fourth of July. with everything going on in America right now, it just doesn’t feel right. the cheapest foreign locale is where I'm headed. Anywhere but America.

O.k. so where were we? It is hot as hell in Miami Beach these days. I've seen it clocked at a hundred and four the past few days. soaking wet hot. But I'm not a writer and I will not waste my time attempting to write about things like the weather. On with the real story.

Girls popping up everywhere. everyday a new girl coming in. And me, I'm left with the options: Play the game or hold out for number one. number one feels close now. really close. Girls just coming from everywhere. which is a good sign. I take that mean that she is close. ??? what do I mean by that? not sure.

As I get closer and closer to being the real me, being in the zone, the flow, I feel this heightened sense of confidence and happiness. It is a good feeling. It is what it is all about. There is a confidence that can be described in no other way than pure magic that comes from being purely wholly and unabashedly real and honest.

I received a letter of interest today from Istanbul:

Hi Fishy,

How are you? I suppose you are preparing your European tour nowadays. Are you exciting?

Nowadays I am angry and the event that makes me unhappy is;

One month ago Turkey's prime minister and his wife visited your country. When I were

watching them on TV, I felt uncomfortable that she was being clothed as Arapian women. Normally I have never interested with other persons' clothes. However here the matter is quiet different. Because she was standing with her husband at the front of the cameras by saying as 'I am Turkish Woman and all women in my country are wearing like me'.

Yes Turkey is a country whose religion is Islam. But it does not mean that all Turkish

women are wearing as Arapian women. Also there is a fact that pursuant to Turkish Laws, she are not able to work at public services, to get education at state schools, even to become private member in council and there are also so many activities that she are not able to do or to participate since she is being covered. The conditions of these women seem to be very dramatic .I used to worry about them but today I know that their

belief based on fearing to all men and serving their selves from all men by covering their

bodies completely. Therefore whenever I run across one of them in the city I want to

scream that please put off your clothes, you are firstly human than you are women or mother or wife .What I can do ! Therefore I am so angry.

Sincerely,

Sienna

Still ravenously studying the history of Great Britain. Absolutely fascinating. Tying all the pieces together. Robert Bruce, Cromwell, Magna Carta, Tudor, Sussex, Henry the eighth, etc.

In the post office today. seriously. I'm not kidding. I was really in there. amazing. their stamp vending machines don't accept credit cards. Such a weird state of transition American is in. There is this huge ‘use credit cards’ thing happening here and yet a lot of governmental offices, such as the police departments, don't accept them. its just crazy. the last few days I have had to pretend I am on a reality TV show in order to make it through without going crazy. I just pretend that there are many contestants going through the same challenges and the same circumstances and there are cameras on all of us. so instead of losing my cool when something crazy happens, I just play it totally cool and make it work for the best. Fun. better than allowing yourself to be dragged down.

I see this woman in line at the post office ---- did you know that you can’t just go up and say I need $1.06 worth of stamps/postage there? they have to try to come up with all these different ways of trying to get you that exact amount rather than printing out the postage automatically for you. (I mean, they will do that for one piece of mail for you, but not for many. They give you thousands of stamps and make you stick them on each piece of mail you are sending. I just looked at the lady with eyes wide open and commented “2004?” and she looks back at me with this tired weary look on her face and says “I know,” like ‘;what am I supposed to do? I just work here...’ crazy. and if you want to send something ‘certified’ you have to actually go to the post office. fucking unbelievable. In this day and age. Having to go somewhere in physical space-time to get something done. How totally last century.

Anyway, so this lady in line has this mole on her face... and it makes me think of what her husband must be like. And I imagined myself at this barbeque and the two of them walking up to talk to me. and I felt so sick. Whenever I think of the mainstream I get this really sick panicky feeling. Almost like claustrophobia. No. definitely like claustrophobia.

Yesterday this guy invites me to an Independence Day barbeque for the weekend, and I had forgotten that it was Fourth of July because we were supposed to be in Europe by this date. As he was explaining where he lived to me, I was trying to hold back from feeling sick. I started immediately trying to figure out where I could fly to. as soon as I think of things like barbeques or things really family oriented or mainstream American like that, I have to fly somewhere else and just get away from here. I don't know what it is. just this kind of primitive fear of normalcy; the confines of regular worldness. It causes a great fear to swell up in me. Gets you nauseous if you think about it too much. My heart is pounding very fast right now. I have to stop writing. its just too much. I must explore this feeling in me one day to see where it comes from in order to discreate it. but not now.

7-01-04

The dream:

This morning at 7 am I awoke to one of the most beautiful dreams. A series of small scenes. I had a dog that when my cell phone would vibrate he would bring it to me in his mouth. I thought this was so cute and I told Juliet about it. Because strangely enough, Juliet was staying at my mom’s house. It was such a warm cozy feeling that I still feel emotional writing about it. why was she there? I don't know. I watched her as she opened presents. she was unwrapping presents, one was a juicer. I was just watching. Perhaps not even participating in that event. She was so happy, so full of joy. like a child. I found a very deep and giddy feeling watching her so happy. later in the kitchen, I watched her and my mom talking and cooking. Juliet was again happy and curious and filled with questions and observations about life. later that night, mom called to make sure that we were eating properly. She was out. it was late. I needed to get to meeting about a music video for us. [if this was a premonition of things to come, the video was coming out excellently. I was very impressed with the guy’s work.] I was alone in the house. Juliet came down the stairs in her underwear and no shirt. We bumped into one another. We hid our surprise well. we talked. As always, we were polite, reserved, and respectful with one another. We stood in the dimly lit kitchen talking and sharing. Like two old souls caught in a moment.

There was more. I cannot remember it right now. all I know is that I woke up so deeply and madly in love with Juliet again, just like when we were children. I could not go back to sleep. Lying there floating in that feeling of love for her. In reality we are worlds apart. But there is something in me that is so tied to her, that honestly it feels as though it is from another lifetime, this connection that I feel to her some times. I cannot explain it. here's the thing. its not just the way she looks. In fact, it isn't so much the way she looks. Because although, yes, I am so captivated by her eyes that I could stare in them forever, her look is not my usual look, or better put, her style is not my usual style, the kind that I prefer... But what it is, it’s the way she is . When she writes I am so absorbed in it that you would think I was reading the original draft of the Magna Carta or something. and the sound of her voice brings chills to me and makes me feel so good when we speak. It gives me a great sense of joy and calm. A special feeling inside that I always find surprising. Why? I have no fucking idea and truly wish it were not that way. Because she is very happy out there in the great north woods doing her hippie thing with this hippie guy who seems like a wonderful man who I would get along fabulously with. Like I said, its not something I would ever speak to her about for many reasons; out of respect for her current relationship, and also because our worlds have grown so far apart that it just wouldn’t be practical for us to entertain anything but a casual acquaintance. But these dreams I have of her are so, what's the word, BIG, and DEEP, and meaningful. And the other signs that pop up about her. I wonder, what is the meaning of them? these other signs? What is the significance of Juliet in the life of Fishy? who is she in the bigger picture? Sometimes when we are speaking, and mentions something about her “man” I want to scream at her, “Would you stop it already?! Don't you know that I'm your man?!” Half the time that I am speaking with her I want to scream ‘I don't know if you're supposed to be with that guy! As crazy as it sounds, Juliet I think you're supposed to be with me!” And trust me, I don't want to say this. I enjoy the way I'm living right now. I enjoy the ancient roman lifestyle so to speak. And Juliet as much as I adore her.... we’re just too different. But here's the deal: then what are the signs about? And sometimes, do you ever think things in our lives are bigger than just us and our own small plans for them. The old master plan concept. Know it well. in the last two days I have met so many beautiful girls, and have just been high from it, the prospects of this Moroccan I met yesterday are especially enticing because I have not been with a Moroccan yet. I will need to add her to the collection either way... But the truth is that when I think of Juliet... no I won't even finish that. Because I bet all I need to do is just see her. just see her in the flesh and then I am sure it will all become clear. I think it’s a kind of psychological thing where I am projecting all that my subconscious mind considers sweet and pure and innocent and intelligent onto Juliet just because I can.... something like that.



Of course I say nothing to her. Because who knows. perhaps it’s wishful thinking. Or just an over active imagination. After all, I'm an artist, and as Juliet has reminded me many times over the last twenty years, artists are in love with love. I think that sometimes we become so absorbed with love and romance that we forget that people can have an impact in our lives without having to be our lover or spouse or whatever. In my heart I want to see her in person and stare in her eyes and hear her soft voice in real life. again, tell her that? Juliet, I want to stare in your eyes. crazy. and quite frankly, disrespectful, because she has a boyfriend. So I can see for myself what its all about. i think it would be great to discover that she is a great lifelong friend and nothing more. I would welcome this idea. It would bring me great relief.

But I cannot help but think, what if she isn't just that... and how do I handle it? what if she is the one? does she ever think about it? and what if she is not the one? which is what I suspect? Am am I being disloyal or unfaithful somehow by even considering her as such? May she forgive me whoever she is.

6-31 [caught between time]

Two days in the new apartment on South beach. Words cannot describe our horror. South beach is a sewer pit of small efficiencies and tenements. Beggars, druggies, beach bums, young way-wards with nothing on their minds but partying. Mostly immigrants from South American countries whose noses sit high in the air because they are praying to God someone will notice their new sunglasses or sneakers. Last night on the phone with jazz, I asked her about South beach life and this shallow arrogance that seems to suffuse from the entire island. We explore the fact that a few years ago South beach was something. there was talk of it. and people were moving here from all over the world. Prince and even Madonna had clubs here. but those days are long gone. The stars are gone. And according to census records, over one hundred and fifty thousand ‘white Americans’ moved from Miami in the year 2003. BUT, over 280,000 South Americans moved to Miami in 2003. in the early nineties, late eighties, it was called the Great Exodus. That was when millions of Americans moved out of Miami as more and more central and South Americans moved in. We used to see it on the news. there were bumper stickers on many cars that read “Would the last American leaving Miami please bring the American flag.” But some people stayed. A few. Eleven percent according to year 2000 records were actually left. Well now according to Forbes magazine what we are seeing is the Final Exodus; where the last of the white or North Americans are leaving by the hundreds of thousands, but the rest of the Americas are coming in droves. So the city has changed. And I, the last American, remain, for but a few brief months to finish up some last minute business with my boys.

Indeed. I am accustomed to the billboards and street signs all being in Spanish, to communicating with my housekeeper, lawn man, postman, bank tellers, handyman, restaurant servers, court clerks, etc in Spanish. But two days ago when I awoke to find a huge moving truck parked outside and four men in my house waiting for me to wake up so we could move, I asked the gentlemen, “o.k., so who’s in charge here?” and their answer was “Como?” I realized that not one of them spoke English. So we were going to spend the entire day trying to communicate with one another about moving all of our stuff intro three different places, storage, a music studio, and an apartment on South beach, in Spanish. And we had no way of communicating except in Spanish. It was pretty crazy. But we made it through alright. Everyone had a good time. I learned a lot of Spanish and they learned a little English perhaps. [Although these days contrast with years ago when they were learning English as fast as they could once they arrived. Now it’s the few Americans left that are forced to learn Spanish as fast as we can. Because people can come here from any of the South or Central American countries and not have to learn a word of English their entire life here and no one will ever notice. Its really a remarkable thing.]

So many ideas of how it all ties in. Voraciously studying the history of all the European countries we are going to on tour this summer. every few days I finish the history of one country and move on to another so I can have a small amount of perspective as we make our way around the mother continent. With even this small amount of perspective I have gathered the last few years of civilization’s history I cannot help but understand that countries change all the time. the people change. The languages change. We are witnessing that here in Miami.

6-30

Begin to write the diaries more like a history.

6-29

Studying the history of Great Britain. Wow. Fascinating. Really fucking fascinating. Humanity itself. Being half English, I would conjecture a bit biased on this. but still. a remarkable read.

6-28

Studying the history of Holland for a few days now. not so exciting. they have spent thousands of years doing what is known as ‘reclaiming’ land from the ocean so they can live in all these towns close to the sea. When in fact they have this huge piece of land more inland that they wouldn’t even have to worry about the oceans waves. Millions and millions of acres of it, but they persist in spending billions of dollars on trying to take back the land from the ocean by building all these dykes and rivers and dams etc. Really weird. Cities like Amsterdam should be completely underwater by now, but the people persist in trying to fight the flow of nature. Lots of cool stuff in this. Not as an exciting history than say England or Italy, but lots of cool stuff. Rembrandt and Van Gough of course. And for a very brief time they ruled the entire western world, but that didn't last long.

6-28

many of us got together tonight to go see the Fahrenheit 911 film, as did many groups all over the country. as was the case nationwide theatres were sold out and you had to wait in these enormous lines to get in once you bought your ticket ten hours earlier.

As we watched all these people sitting on the floor in line to see this film like it was some Hollywood blockbuster you really felt in awe of the whole thing. all of this for a documentary? What? And what's more, a documentary about politics? Well America is changing. You had to feel a real sense of joy and pride in who we are turning into as a people. the people are getting smarter. More knowledgeable and more interested in what's going on. you know what? This isn't going to be like our fathers Vietnam. We’re not going to let it.

Although, unlike many, there was nothing new in the movie for me---these were things I had been ranting about for years, and everyone was saying I was crazy talking about the whole bush and bin laden being business together and the Saudis owning more of America than any of we do---I still walked away sick and angry and sad. You couldn’t help it. our media has been so irresponsible in covering the other side of the invasion, refusing to show us any of the civilian casualties, or even tell us how many we have killed now. they just pretend that its about us and our goal to take over their country. they never bother to mention the billions of dollars that American companies are making for the takeover or that other multi-national companies stand to make or even the fact that the Saudis are bound to make more than any of us from it. they just keep right on with their cute little façade that we are liberators and some kind of heroes. But when everyone was sitting in that theatre tonight, boy did we get an eyeful and an earful. People were just in shock.

I have received so many calls from friends all over the country telling me to go see the film. people really I think are just in shock right now. they are starting to realize that it isn't just the stuff of crazy liberal conspiracy theororists anymore. That something really crazy and horrible has happened to us here.

Allow me to be the first to say right along with the republicans, but as a big fan, that Michael Moore is a putz. No one is going to argue that. but he is one brave mother fucker. And thank God for him. all I can say is its about fucking time.

The question that is begging to be asked of course is ‘o.k. now what?’ what are we actually going to do about this insanity? And even more frightening is this: “what can we actually do about it?” they stole the fucking election for gods sake. We all watched it happen right before our eyes. I think that at the time we were just so damn complacent from the Clinton golden years that we figured hey what the hell lets just ride it out. how bad can this guy be? well we certainly learned the hard way. That’s for sure.

The poet and Madeline and the king all calling me today asking me what the hell are we going to do Fishy? what do you think we can do about this? my answer? I don't know. I guess we just do our best to get him out of there.

But more than that, it would appear that the problem runs much deeper than that now for us. whether its George bush stealing the presidency and then lying to us to make us invade another country of innocent people, or bill Clinton selling our weapons secrets to china, or geare bush senior sitting on the board of directors of Saudi Arabian companies when they attacked us in numerous terrorist attacks, or even our beloved Ronald Reagan selling biological weapons to Iraq or other weapons to Iran behind our backs.... I mean, the list goes on and on. If we’re all not sincerely and alarmingly aware that we have a serious fucking problem on our hands at this point, then I don't know what its going to take.

If we have a problem in America, and most certainly we do, a glaring open wound of a fucking problem, its this underlying fear that we all must be feeling by now tugging at our souls that there probably isn't much we can do now about any of it. our lives are not so much in our control as much as they are just newsbites on our television screens at this point.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. What we need to do is just get tough like parents are to their children. One fuckup and you get a warning. Two fuckups and you are out of there. I don't care if we have to have ten presidents every four years instead of one. eventually the right man for the job will come up to the plate. I'll tell you this. if w. bush was the CEO of a company that we were all shareholders of he would have been gone years ago. We wouldn’t have batted an eye at asking him to leave. America is much more important than any corporation though. Its our fucking country. its our fucking lifeblood. And it’s the lifeblood of our children should we get lucky enough to ever have children someday. We don't tolerate lying or cheating from our kids or our friends or our lovers if we’re smart or enlightened individuals. Why would we possibly tolerate it from our elected leaders? That's something that I will just never understand.

6-27

Two days now just organizing all the boxes from all over the house. packing for weeks. I cannot believe how much stuff I have. it is unbelievable. Storing it all into this warehouse till I find a place up in nyc that is big enough and yet affordable enough for me to actually live in. All day today noticing this feeling coming up within me of sadness mixed with relief. it is a strange combination of feelings.

Writing songs with the poet now and then, which is an amazing thing because he is a drummer. But he just has a way of coming up with cool lines or whole songs that I can put to music. very cool. you never know. that's the lesson we learn over and over again isn't it. you just never know. always a challenge to balance our knowing with our willingness to let go and not know; so we can allow magic to happen now and then. Must remember this.

Allow the magic to flow. Be open to the possibilities.

6-25-04

Nations bank commercials and Janet’s Jackson’s tits.

we have just recently found out that there is a publicist that our label had hired that makes her living from ripping bands and record labels off. She does some work and then after she gets paid she doesn’t work anymore and never follows up. churn and burn. We had hired her before we did any research on her. just kind of took her at her word. She talked a great talk. So we ran with her. little did we knew that soon she would be running one way and we would be running the other. Our bad for not checking her out more. I spoke with our lawyer on Friday about her and told him, “Shark, in this case. I want you to bring the hammer all the way down. I want you to crush her. No matter how much it costs.” It turns out that she has done this to a fair share of people.

what's amazing is the shock one feels when confronted with something like this. with a person like this. when I first found out from our label what was happening, I had to run downstairs and guzzle down a mojito. Just to ease my anxiety. After all I was the one who recommended her so readily. Because she talked such a good talk. But after I heard that she had taken close to four thousand dollars so far and almost produced nothing, that our other publicists were fuming that we had hired her, that our label reps were fuming... well, at first I was feeling pretty dejected. Betrayed. You know. the usual.

After I had a drink I felt better. I realized that there was no use in feeling anything at all about the situation. it was business. better to move on. Sue her and let the courts work her out. if she really didn't do the work she contracted to do, she’ll pay us back. simple enough. You can’t make sense of people who lie. They lie. They're in their own weird little world. and there is no making sense of it if you don't operate in that world. what this woman needs is to acknowledge times past when she was lied to and hurt by it. she is probably holding onto a big ball of pain and anger inside from being lied to in the past. And in response to it she is on a lying rampage so to speak. Lying to and cheating everyone she can get her hands on. She can then move on to start acknowledging everyone she herself has lied to and begin to make amends to them. that's if she wants to change. If she even sees the benefit in it. if not, this may never happen for her. and she is the one who will continue to suffer.

Someone at the label said to me about the situation, ‘I can’t believe this lady is doing this to so many people. what the hell is she thinking?’ I replied, ‘she's not thinking. she's lying. And when a person is lying to so many people like that, they are lying to themselves even more. that's the only way they can get away with it. I'll bet you that consciously she has no clue what she is doing. Her higher self disappeared long ago. Hiding somewhere deep in her subconscious, scared shitless to show itself for fear it will get hurt again. We just need to bring her out of her coma. We’ll sue her. she’ll argue and kick and scream for a while, and then maybe it’ll get to her. maybe she’ll wake up. it could be really good for her for someone to call her bluff. who knows.’ ‘Fishy you're a bigger man than I am,’ Angel says to me in response. ‘Angel, you're not a man.’ ‘You know what I mean.’

Later that night I'm relaxing for the evening watching some news on TV. Talk about lies. The American news channels are filled with them. it’s a big game of deception that we all play into. and worse, we know it. we beg for it. the reality TV shows that we know are staged. The commercials that we are know are faked. I was in a daze last night. just wiped out from a very long day. half numb watching this amazing array of crap that people take in everyday on the TV. I have been doing this for about two weeks now. after a long day I come home and I just sit there and scroll through all the channels on the TV. Normally I don't watch the TV. But I thought it would be fun to see what the average American mind consumes on a daily basis. [some girl says to me something about the OC. I apologized that I didn't know what that was. Turns out that its a TV show of some kind. She started laughing. Now of course I was laughing myself. But not for the same reason she was laughing. I couldn’t imagine not having enough to do with your life to know anything about TV, but I didn't say anything to her. I was just laughing. In times past I would have ripped into her for being such a mainstreamer. But these days, I don't know, I guess I have discovered a new tolerance inside of myself. Anyway, I thought it might be fun to flip through some TV and see what was out there.] You keep thinking you are going to get to something good, something valuable, something honest. And sometimes you do. but that is very rare. [tlc, discovery, pbs, VH1 classics is a great channel, cspan, nightline. There are certainly some good things out there. but mostly the TV is just a bunch of worthless crap. and you are left with this feeling of shock and disbelief. Even the short haired and bespeckled College educated news anchors are just winging it in idiotville most of the time. You switch to them, hoping for a moment of clarity or some kind of light in the dark. They are seeing the trees just as they're supposed to, but they aren’t seeing the forest at all. And that's the way its set up. for people to get so deep inside the matrix that they never see the big picture. So they not only don't see the lies, they become part of the big lie machine and they don't even know it.

Take that show crossfire for instance. A bunch of really cool, really smart guys you'd be happy to spend a lunch with anyday. But the problem is that they spend all of their time arguing over who is right, the evil republicans or the whacky democrats. Neither man seeing the bigger picture. How would you rather die? poison or being burned alive? Lets argue about it everyday till we’re blue in the face, but for God’s sake no one bother to argue the fact that there is no need for us to die in the first place. that pretty much sums up the American two party system.

The other day the courts ruled that we (that means us, all of us American people) can not sue our HMOs or insurance companies in state court if they fuck up and deny us medical care for something if we are sick and then we die. This was a huge win for the large greedy insurance companies and huge loss for the rest of us. for everyone of us. the puppet heads on TV commented on it I noticed and then they proceeded to tell us about Britney spears getting engaged as if that was some important news and that we weren't supposed to be shocked horrified or angry about our loss of rights when it comes to our healthcare. I sat there in disbelief. So its finally happened. We've just been totally sold out. again. and it keeps happening more and more and more as the days pass.

Now sometimes I think, ‘its time to start over. We need to tear the whole thing down and start over. Its just too far gone. America is just too far sold out to big corporations and to the almighty military industrial machine that Eisenhower warned us about oh so many years ago when he was about to leave office. but then I wonder even if we were to start over from scratch, how long will it take us to get back to this sorry state once again.... Remember that Eisenhower was the one who single-handedly ruined all chances of America reconciling or even negotiating the cold war with Russia in the peace talks by secretly and deceptively building up Americas nuclear arsenal behind Russia’s back, after telling them that we wouldn’t. Khrushchev screamed and yelled at him and every other nation at the table for a few minutes saying what liars we were, and then he left the talks. And thus began this huge military buildup on both sides for decades. Just because of these lies of our president. But you see, then Eisenhower comes around as he is about to leave office and warns us flat out that our most eminent danger to our great democracy is not Russia or china or any other country, but his fear that we were being taken over by this invisible and all powerful military industrial war machine that was on the verge of controlling all of us. but in the end, what happened from his warning? Not much. We just kept building and giving up more and more control anyway. Now we are controlled by it.

So now we are in Iraq many say for the same reasons. For oil and for profit. Michael Moore’s movie is hitting theatres now and he really tied all the pieces together that many people knew about for years now. he spoke the unspeakable. And instead of investigating it on the TV news, the anchor men and the news people instead choose to just sort of sit there and talk about the movie instead. about how fair it is or how good of a movie it is or how partisan it is. which is amazing. because mike’s not being partisan as much as he's just trying to shed light on something which everyone both republican and democrat alike already knew, but would never speak about in public for fear of losing their lives---that the bush and bin laden family are friends. That they are both investors or shareholders in some of the largest military and war companies in the world, like Bechtel, Halliburton, and the Carlisle group, and that they along with the Saudi princes, make millions of dollars every year from oil together.

You ever notice that hundreds of thousands of people have been taking to the streets in Venezuela in protest to try to take back their country from the current dictator there and the US is doing nothing about it? or what about Cuba. Talk about a country full of people that need liberating. But again, we aren't going to do anything about it. these people live like animals in a country ruled by a communist dictator. In Miami we know about it because we live amongst millions of Cubans who found a way to escape. They tell us how a fucking box of cornflakes cost twenty dollars if you're lucky to get one. and how men get taken from their homes in the middle of the night and are never heard from again for doing nothing but speaking up against their government. But America for some reason hasn’t gone in to liberate these people. and there are numerous countries around the world that need our help but we just aren't helping. But for some reason we felt the need to go in and liberate the Iraqi people. go figure.

Take this recent editorial from Bob Rinear at investyourself.com:

“What a world. Every day we have the threat of some innocent person blowing up, being beheaded or getting shot. Yet try as we might, the latest surveys show that more of the world hates us now than ever before. In Egypt, the latest Zogby poll done in June shows that nearly 100% of the population has an “unfavorable” view of the US. What happened to the waves of newly liberated Arabs bringing flowers to the US troops? What happened to the idea of reducing terrorism, and being applauded for our efforts? The fact is that 99% of all that was just fantasy to start with.

If you believe that we went to Iraq to free the Iraqi people, I personally think you’ve been deluded. It sounds warm and fuzzy, it sounds quite noble in it’s intentions. But, if we were really interested in freeing people we’d be in North Korea folks. We’d be in China. Did you know that in China, and not that very long ago, the government did nothing at all while literally millions starved to death? Where was the US? In North Korea, their population has been on the verge of starvation for years under a fairly ruthless leader, and yet we aren’t marching into North Korea to “free the people”. Interestingly, both China and North Korea have nukes, and they don’t have oil. You don’t see us muscling around in many places with that combination.”

People complain that Michael Moore is too angry. Of course he is angry. The truth is that it was never supposed to get like this. America was never meant to be sold out to large multi-national corporations. We were never meant to go to war and lose thousands of soldiers lives because of a few old rich white men wanting to make tons of money. and yet we’re watching it happen right in front of our eyes. now that all the lies of the war in Iraq have been revealed and every one is blaming everyone else for all the lies and mistakes and deceptions, still no one is doing anything about it. the puppet heads on cnn and fox news and all the other news agencies are talking about the casualties and the small details of the war, but no one is just standing up and saying “this is total bullshit and I for one am sick of it. people can we finally do something about this and take back our country?!” instead they just keep on reporting about all the deaths and what not.

It is said that those who are not ignorant go insane. And I believe it. we have no choice now in our history but to act insane. We have to pretend to be ignorant. Because if we don't then we will go insane from our being forced to believe all of these lies everyday. Even though we know that Enron was one of the largest contributors to the bush campaign and that bush knew about Enron’s financial troubles but he didn't warn the American people about it, we have to pretend to not know this. even though we know that our VP Dick Cheney was an officer for Halliburton for years and now we are over in some strange country losing American lives everyday and killing tens of thousands of innocent civilians so Halliburton can be paid hundreds of millions of dollars from our hard earned tax dollars from us invading that country, again we are supposed to act like we don't know this. we are supposed to act like this is not wrong or bad or evil or scary. We are supposed to act like everything is o.k. here in America even though its obvious that we are now literally owned by this giant monopolistic war profiting corporation that most people have never even heard of. The fact that so many of us can know this but not do anything about it makes us all quite insane. The fact that I know enough about it to be sitting here writing about it but I'm not actually doing anything about it makes me quite the insane one.

Some guy tells us the other day at dinner, and I don't remember who it was, but he tells us that he can’t help but feel a little happy when he sees these beheadings and insurgent attacks on TV from the Iraqi people. that that's exactly what they're supposed to be doing when some larger country comes in and tries to take over their country. there was mixed feelings at the table when he said this. you could understand what he was saying and how he felt. Of course they are going to try to fight for their country. how would we feel if we were being taken over by a foreign country that was bigger than us? we’d be doing the same thing. maybe not beheading people. but we’d be doing whatever it took to try to defend ourselves and send messages to the rest of the world.

Ever notice that the rest of the civilized world is not on our side in this. through our own example many of the rest of the countries in the world like France or Germany or Spain slowly became democracies over the last few decades. And now that they are what we used to be they are standing strong to the democratic ideals that we once stood for and completely opposing us. I really don't understand why we Americans aren't taking the hint. I think it’s a combination of the general ignorance of the majority of Americans, mixed with a lot of fear of our government and what they might do to us if we revolted, and an underlying hubris that tricks us into believing that somehow we will eventually make it out of this alright and everything will one day go back to normal.

Yesterday when bush went to Ireland he was met by thousands of protestors and signs all over the country that were very anti-American and anti-bush. Right on live TV in Ireland the news reporter told him to his face that he has made the world a much more dangerous place and there are terrorist attacks happening now all over the world. of course he squirmed and interrupted her and argued. But the point was made. we aren't the shining city of lights on the hill to the rest of the world that we once were. Its not like the old days when we could just do whatever we wanted to. I think the rest of the world has not only caught up to us, they’ve surpassed us in their desire to embrace the democratic ideals that we once held so dear here in the States. the rest of the world are at once disgusted by us, angry at us, feel sorry for us, and frightened by what we have done to the peace of the whole region. Train bombs in Spain. Terrorist attacks in Istanbul. We really opened up a can of worms.

Every reason in the book we were given for going into this thing has been proven to be a lie. But we just keep marching on in the face of all of that. ignorance or insanity? Feels like a little bit of both.

But who can really blame us now? when it has gotten so completely out of hand? if you watch the so called reality TV shows on American television, you will notice a whole string of disclaimers at the end. half the time the contestants are asked to change their minds after “consulting” with the producers of the shows. We are infamous for disclaimers here in America. Car commercials are filled with them. drug commercials are filled with them.

The other night I see this commercial on TV advertising that bank of American offers free checking to all of their customers. Lots of happy smiling faced fake people on TV pretending to be customers raving about it. but then at the end you notice a little disclaimer that its not really true. that's just for people with direct deposits. But somehow they are allowed to say it anyway. Why not? They are paying for the airtime and the station needs the money. so that's the world that we live in now.

And then I happen to notice the cover of blender magazine with Janet jacksons fake tits sticking out on the cover. And that was kind of the icing on the cake. So there it is. fake tits are cool. fake commercials. Fake wars. Fake health insurance companies. Fake everything all around us. there is even a TV show now called ‘fake out’ where you win if you are good at being a liar and being able to fake out the other contestant. Unfucking believable. liars and thieves. All part of the matrix that life in America has turned into.

So how much can we blame our dear publicist who lied to us and tried to cheat us out of $2500? Shit man, she was just doing her job. Just going with the flow.

6-25-04

Happy birthday to Infinito! Big 30 for him today. Most guys are lame. They never remember things like other peoples birthdays. And if they do, then they don't know what to do about it. guys just aren't good about birthdays for the most part. They can’t help it. I tell the lady on the phone at my bank. ’hey listen I have man disease. I'm sorry for bouncing so much checks. I could have a million dollars in there and somehow I still manage to bounce half those checks. Don't ask me how. Just help me.’ she actually did help me.

Anyway, happy birthday Infinito. Its been a long time brother. Glad to know you.

I have noticed that ever since everything went down with the Ferret, I have felt this subconscious reluctance to get close to new people I am starting to make friends with... have made so many new friends, but notice within myself this subtle fear of going in all the way. have to explore what beliefs are and let them go.

Being in line at the immigration office to check on visa status for Europe. You know there's this fear when you are in line... that you are going to lose your place. you notice that. you're afraid to go get a drink of water because what if you lose your place in line. most of the time its cool. you can tell the person behind you to save your place. that you'll be back. but this time I was waiting in a long line. I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be great if I could just say to the people behind me, ‘listen, I'm going to go goof off for a while. make some calls, maybe go hang out outside. Do me a favor and hold my place in line and I'll be back once this line clears.’ But I didn't dare. You know how people are about lines. They are so possessive about their place in line. most have this attitude about lines that if you leave your place in line that you lose it. which is silly because after all that's still your place in line, whether you are there physically or not. Only an idiot would stand there if he didn't have to. everyone can see that its your place. but the problem is that we are still dealing with idiots for the most part. So you don't dare take the risk of assuming someone is enlightened enough to just let your place be your place whether you are actually standing in line or not. But one day I see us even transcending lines too. One day we are going to get there. everyone can get in their place in line and after a minute or two just go do whatever and when its their turn they can come back and step up to the counter or checkout or what have you and not worry about losing their place. kind of like those little pagers they give us at restaurants. Great idea. A virtual line. ‘excuse me miss?’ ‘yes?’ Can you do me a favor and call my cell when you get up to the counter so I can run back and get back in line behind you?’ ‘Oh well certainly.’ ‘Thanks.’ One day.

6-22

o.k. I saw something so disturbing tonight I have no choice but to make note of it in an attempt to purge it from my memory.... it was a TV show called ‘who wants to marry my dad?’ something so fake and insidious and disturbing that you can’t help but vomit and laugh hysterically at the same time. The body jerks in pathos for the players of the farce and twists in agony over the fall of humanity that this wretched dog-heap symbolizes.

if this were some kind of parody in a movie you would just laugh your ass off. But the fact that it is real. That its really on TV and that people watch it... that's where the vomiting comes into play.

Hold on tight kids. This shit is really happening.

6-21

Played a cool show at the fete de la musique festival in coconut grove. The poet says to me after the show. ‘Dude, let me ask you something. how come you talk like you’re kind of drunk on stage when we first get up there? You walk up to me after the show and you have this perfect English. But then on stage, you come off like your wasted or something. is it because your nervous?’ ‘uh wow, dude, I know exactly what you mean. Its like an altar ego takes over and tries to act all cool because I guess I'm just really nervous being up there... thanks. I'll try to get over that. Be more myself.’ Good show though. New band is really hot.

Lots of hours with old and new friends all day. good times. Today was father’s day. Made lots of calls to family. Although didn't speak to my own dad. For some reason we just aren't there. maybe we never will be. I don't know. I am sure that to a certain extent I am still just holding onto some kind of a grudge. But at the same time, it just feels forced. Doesn’t feel natural. And its hard for me to force myself into things that don't feel natural or don't feel real. I remembered this morning in the bath when we were very young and we would see him once in a while and we would make some comment and then his response would be ‘well I am still your father.’ That would always throw us into kind of a space-out at first when he would say that when we were young like that. get us confused. At least me. I can’t speak for Beaver. But today I understood from watching so many of my friends and even Beaver now have children and raise their kids that having the kids is not enough. That's not what its about. Its about being the actual father. Doing the father things. so when someone was never really your father, but they say something like ‘I'm still your father,’ that it can throw you when you're young. But as you get older you can begin to question the verity of that statement. I mean, a lot of my friends are fathers now. I see what that means now. our mother was really our father. And for better or worse so was our grandfather and our uncle.

Once dad and I reconnected when I was about 27 years old, that felt good. it gave us a lot of relief and joy at the time. more relief I would say. But then I remembered this one time when in the middle of moms divorce with our stepfather, he had arranged in a very illegal and fraudulent manner to have mom put in jail for something that she didn't do and the judge who issued the warrant mysteriously disappeared and retired to the Bahamas, never to be heard from again. So it was a very traumatic situation for Beav and me. and for the whole family. Our stepfather did it just to get back at her and to show her that money really could buy anything. Even putting an innocent ex-nun who didn't do anything wrong in jail for a day until things got sorted out. and yes money could buy judges who mysteriously disappear after issuing arrest warrants for aforesaid young innocent moms or ex-wives. This was one of our first real life experiences into the injustice that money can create in the free-enterprise capitalist system known as America. Beav and I weren't more than 20 years old at the time. and we were pretty much in shock. We all slept at the jail all night waiting for mom to get out. praying that the experience wouldn’t be too traumatic for her and that she wouldn’t have an asthma attack and die or something.

When it first occurred the first thing we did was start making calls frantically to try to help her. I called my step father to beg him to help. Couldn’t get a hold of him of course. And I'm sure he was very happy to have achieved such success in teaching her the lesson not to try to divorce him. but she persevered and divorced him anyway. But we lost everything. mom lost everything she ever owned and finally just walked away. Even the money and real estate she owned before she met him. he got it all. just let him have everything in order to get stability and sanity back in our lives. She is a very strong woman who since I have known her has always made her decisions based on what is best for her kids and her family. You cant buy that. you can’t grow into that. you just are that. we are very lucky to have her as our mom.

As mom was in jail, we also called our real father who we really hadn't talked to in over a decade except on occasion. He answered the phone but had some bullshit excuse as to why he couldn’t help her out. he was three hours away at the time. he didn't offer to make her bail or to come down and sit with us at the jail or take us out that night to make us feel better or anything like that. I hung up the phone and was in such shock that I didn't have time to make judgment about his decision. I was too young and he was too much of a adult figure still for me to make any judgments about him. that's the way it is when you're a kid.

But then later after we reconnected, many years later, I remembered that moment. It all came back to me, as if it were a dream from a past life. I guess I had blocked it out. and who wouldn’t have blocked something like that out from their memory? When I did finally remember it I felt rage and resentment and a real feeling of betrayal. I thought about if my own 20 year old son would have called me frantic saying his mom was in jail and I was three hours away.... I knew that I would have been in my car or on a plane in less than ten minutes and told my boy ‘you hang tight son. Take care of your brother. I'm on my way.’ but my dad didn't do that. in fact, he never called after that. not for another seven years.

Later, I was happy that we had reconnected as adults. Because I feel that it was an important step for both of us. But once I remembered that situation, something left in me. something went away. I lost all desire to speak with him anymore. I also think that it would have been different if we would have grown up with him in some way. perhaps it would be easier to find a place where forgiveness is in order, but the truth is that ‘I'm still your father’ never really applied, even though it was spoken on some occasions. And so forgiveness in order to get back to something real and valuable hasn’t surfaced yet in me. because we never had much real or valuable with him. which of course is sad in its own way.

It was only after I met Cleopatra's step father that I understood what a real father was. A Swiss German hard working gentlemen who puts his family above all else...., well mannered, well spoken, well intentioned, kind hearted. I could go on and on. But he fathered me well from a distance since by the time we met I was already an adult myself. But I learned so much from him as a man. It was the first time I had a real life role model for what a man is supposed to be like. Up until that time my only good male role models were from the TV or the movies. So I really took the ball and ran with it. I modeled everything good I saw in him. a lot of who I am today as a man I owe to knowing him and having him as an example in my life. This is kind of funny, because I notice that people think its just me. Just the way that I am. And it is now. But its because of knowing him and being able to identify and recognize characteristics that I really wanted to have myself, but perhaps just didn't realize were available to me. Still to this day I reach out to him often just to say hello, how are you. After my mom he is always the first call I make on fathers day.

You have to thank God for things like that.

At one point during dinner I found myself thinking of the Wolf and how we don't speak anymore. I felt this weird feeling inside me. felt bad. And then I realized that what I was feeling was guilt. It occurred to me that whenever I think of the Wolf and how we don't hang out anymore that I feel guilty about that. that somehow it feels like we have grown out of each other. And I had been spending the last few years resisting feeling it because it made me feel guilty and sad. And then I just realized that I could let that go. that its alright. You know, we do grow out of our friendships with people. its o.k. I think of other friends I have had over the years. friends where we don't speak that much anymore or hangout. That happens. Its o.k. I decided. Sometimes they grow out of us for whatever reason. And that can hurt at first when you recognize that is what's happening. But you try to transcend that. See the bigger picture. And sometimes we feel that we have grown out of them. Either way, I bet its o.k.

6-19

Hey Vancouver,

This is your older brother talking here. Not your blood brother, but your musical brother. Sometimes one is more important than the other and vice versa.

A huge talent you are. But I heard about what's going on with you. not good word on the street obviously. And I know you know that, so I'm not going to harp on it. Instead I wanted to offer advice and consolation from the bleachers because I'm a big fan.

The response to nothing is cohesive has been great so far. all the people in the biz that have advance copies think we have really created our masterpiece. I don't think that yet. I think that's still to come. But people really like it. if response to swy was what the hell is that???!!! response to NIC has been wow that's good!!!

And obviously the same can be said for swy as well since we have had a lot of great opportunities come our way since its release six months ago.

Just try to remember this. we recorded swy and NIC as a band of guys who got together and made great music together. its your classic VH1 story, except we aren't super successful yet. But we are getting to go on some great tours because of our hard work and we are now about to release a real single to commercial radio. I know you don't know what that means yet, but what it means is that INDIE bands aren't allowed to release singles to commercial radio. Those doors are usually closed. But somehow they are opening up to us because people believe in what we have created, indie or not.

The point is dear brother that as a band we recorded two great albums together and now we are reaping some small rewards for our effort.

You too are being rewarded for it. the tours were offered to you too. they were offered to all of us who made that album. And that's an amazing thing. just because you chose not to take the rewards doesn’t mean that they aren't yours to glory in and celebrate. They are. I still say that the combination of you me and Father Bloopy is an amazing thing. and now that we have Rockaway in the band, I feel even better about the band. Although sloppy, he is creative talented and has a great spirit. And boy oh boy is it a pleasure to play with the Poet again~!!!!!! The guy is fucking great!

The point is this: you chose as a man to take refuge in the security of being a side man rather than the risk of being honored for your great work as a creator. We have a real shot now in the next six months here and abroad to show the world that we are a great band of brilliant creators. It truly is an honor. And we really miss the opportunity to enjoy it with you.

But you are choosing instead to step back into the shadow of some guy you barely know and who could give two shits about you instead of the warm and open arms of your comrades.

I honor though do not understand your decision. So I'm not trying to talk you out of it. its you and your life’s decisions and I understand your desire to go big time. but I'll tell you this: as soon as someone starts offering you ultimatums about how you should be and who you should be, run fast. your self respect is everything. and this situation is starting to remind me of the guy who dumps the girl but takes her back only if she will make a bunch of changes that she really can’t make so there is no love left but they try anyway to make it work.... etc.. that never works. both parties end up feeling like losers in the end. so watch for more to come...

You need to be in a nice safe comfortable secure space with people who love you and cherish you for who you are. Please remember that. sometimes from you I get the feeling that you are so busy chasing love from new people that you forget to acknowledge the love you already have from those around you. watch for that.

Don't worry. we've all been there. but you can get over that. you just need to start loving and honoring yourself for who you are. You already are a God. and you already are a gifted talented creator. Please don't forget that.

Remember your heroes. Todd and Dylan and McCartney. These are not just great men because they are talented singers writers and performers. They are great men because of their morals and values and their respectability. In other words, they would have told the Castro crew to go fuck themselves and had a few stiff drinks and moved on to become the great gods that they are.

I would rather you see you playing in DC3 or doing your own thing than playing in someone else's band whose music does not do you justice. Honestly. Fishy or Transcendence can always hook up with you in the studio and create magic one day again if the stars have that in mind for us. like I said, the three of us have a winning sound and style together. but better your other projects than this crap of telling you to change who you are. You dig what I'm saying? you are too good for that kind of trip. But when people offer you choices, its up to you whether you take them or not. God smiles either way and helps you with your decision.

The world will wait for you and your talent while your wasting it in third world countries. The world needs your talent. And I have no doubt that I will one day be reading about you in music mags all over the world. with or without me being in the picture or this band or whoever. So the world can wait. Because you are that good.

But the question is can you wait? A mans self respect and self love is something that he earns everyday. It can disappear in an instant and he is left wandering around feeling low and not knowing why. trust me. I know. I have learned this through the years and don't wish for you to learn it on your own. I would rather you just trust me on this one. think of the poet, who although he has no money whatsoever comes off as a very proud and confident and self respecting individual. There is a reason I believe. He respects his actions and his decisions. You can see it in his demeanor. I am constantly inspired by how he carries himself.

Whatever it takes to climb back up to the place where you feel awesome about yourself and who you are and who you are becoming, just do it. You have my total support. Not only are you a great musical talent, you are a great spirit with a lot to give the world. [I looked at your inscription in the wings book you gave me for my birthday and I was reminded of what a great guy you are.] In the band or out, you are still that great guy.

[you obviously have a tough time still with friendships and connecting with people. and yes it hurts those around you and in return hurts you because you can feel their pain and their frustration with you. but don't accept that as your way. work on it. change it slowly and learn to teach yourself to be more trustworthy and more there for the people around you who love you and work with you. you will get a lot out of this. trust me on this one too. I know from the hard way. so just watch for it and work on it.]

Don't ever forget that your love and your adoration of yourself comes from within. That comes from the inside out. not from the outside in. Don't ever forget that. and don't ever forget who you are and how much you deserve in this life. The fuckwad mainstreamers who try to change you don't deserve your enthusiasm or your talent or your attention. Money or no money. a mans self respect is never ever ever for sale.

Keep kicking ass in your life bro. We will meet again.

All my juicy butt love and big kisses,

Fishy

6-18

House sold today. Feels good. Feather outside the car when I got out of the closing. A brand new shiny feather that whispered, ‘good work Fishy. You have done the right thing.’ I'm heading back to NYC for good this time.

6-16

Mad mad mad rehearsal schedule with the guys for three days straight. The poet has now moved back down to Miami from Atlanta to rehearse with us full time. constant phone and email and fax to confirm dates for Europe tour. Non-stop business. great rehearsals. Band sounds awesome. Diane spent three days here filming us for a documentary. focused on the history of the band and the albums we've released to date as well as focusing on the upcoming tours. She got the good the bad and the ugly. Camera constantly on me for three days. I was left with a feeling of how hard and stressful my life is right now and me in reaction to that, how exhausted and irritable I come across. But it was real. It was where we are now. I can’t wait to see the film.

Last screening: Bruce almighty. Jim Carrey is such a talent. I love this movie. It always makes me feel great. Someone up there is trying to tell us something.... nod nod wink wink.

6-12

Up all night last night on the phone with our agent. We talked till 5:30 in the morning. He slightly drunk, me thoroughly exhausted. Universal music in New York has a keen interest but wants to see more scans (sales at retail). He met with them for almost three hours and called me to give the details. The good news is that every major label in America is watching and researching us now due to the undercurrent of buzz lately. The bad news is that its not enough to totally sell them on signing us and giving us the big money. None of them willing to sign us on the merit of our music alone. Which we both find frustrating as hell, especially now that we have completed the nothing is cohesive album, by far the purest thing we’ve ever created. We know that somewhere out there is someone who will want to take us on for purely the merit of our music. we just haven't found them yet.

In all honesty, I would much rather be signed purely on our music than on a “story” like sales or radio play. The former would be much more poetic and honest and pure. But the business does not work that way anymore. [this is why the radio and TV airwaves are so filled with crap lately; because the signings are now almost solely based on sales or some kind of breakthrough story rather than someone's gut reaction to an artists music. so they're here today and gone tomorrow and everyone keeps scratching their head asking ‘why aren't there any really awesome career artists out there anymore?’] But we are willing to go the distance either way. if they want a story we’ll give them one.

Lying in bed, half asleep, I listened to our agent ramble on about how he believes so wholeheartedly in Transcendence that he believes in nothing more strongly. Says he is willing to drop every other act on his roster if he has to in order to see this thing through for us. I love that. he's just totally committed and enthusiastic. Besides yet another rejection, (hey old Abe Lincoln, where ever you are, you hear that? I'm trailing close behind pal. Coming up fast.) Good week this week though. Radio promoters love us. Publicist loves us. We are receiving a lot of love and support now. The love is floating all over us. But just cant seem to shake the money out of the trees of these larger labels so it isn't such a constant struggle for us.

They say in interviews that they're in it for the music. But time and time again we’re told that we are going to have to have bigger sales at retail in order to sign on the dotted line. I understand. Everyone does these days. When the average investment in a major label act in order to break them nationally is 2 to 3 million, you gotta believe in what you're signing. I just wish we could find that one rep or vp who didn’t give a shit about sales for the time being, at our level--- because its obvious we just don’t have the funds, and neither does our label, to push this thing into the big sales arena---and instead just signs us based on loving what we do. We have a great band right now. and we’re happy as hell doing what we’re doing. When we are together it feels like magic. I hope the upcoming documentary shows that a bit.

There are a lot of people right now in the industry that are so down on the major labels, talking about how bad it is and how much they suck, and how cool it is to be indie. But I don't agree. I've been indie for ten years now, on three different labels, and frankly its fucking hard. I know its hard out there all over in the biz these days. And yeah they're business people first and music lovers second. But you know, like anything else, music is a business. so thank God for them being that way. or no CDs would get released by anyone at all. And that would suck for all of us. But still...

Its not that I mind being on an independent label. Its not all bad. We gross over seven dollars for every cd sold compared to the less than one dollar that the major label artists receive. That’s a cool thing. So we’re liquid. But there's just not enough money to be made to promote the band or the cds enough to reach enough people to generate the big sales. Not to reach millions. That's the dilemma. What would you rather have? a thousand times 7 dollars, or a million times a dollar? I'll take the million please thank you. This weekend is a time of reflection for me. After last night’s conversation with our agent, I am even more dedicated to finding a way, the way, to reach more of our potential fans. You know if you have ten or a hundred or a thousand, that you have the potential to have ten thousand or a million if you could just reach them. If they could just know that you are out there. I know as a music fan myself that I'm totally that way. I always heard the name Sam Philips for example, but just had never heard her music. and then one day I did. and just instantly fell in love with it. I bought all her cds the next day. I was so glad as a fan to have discovered her. we already have that now. but its just on a smaller level than we want it to be on.

So as a business man I know that that's the m.o. at play here. that's the strategy. Reach as many people as you can in order to connect up with your potential fans/customers. But how? On this level? That's the question. I wasn't discouraged after his call last night. I was inspired. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. At least we know we’re getting close. At least we know we’re getting the attention. At least we know what it is now. To all of the fans that we already have, thanks for buying. We’ll make more.

Last screening: Identity. Wow. You have to see this movie. I feel fucked up after watching it. What a trip.

6-7

There was this moment. We are sitting at a table at this marina on key Biscayne. I have promised a pleasurable hour or two of smoked fish dip and rum runners while we watch the sun slowly set and the boats pull in after a long day of fishing. But there was a catch. There was no smoked fish dip mentioned on the menu and our waiter didn't speak English. Although this is normal for Miami, this would normally not be a problem because I can usually get by well enough. But in this instance, I couldn’t remember how to say smoked fish dip. The waiter tried to understand. I swore to him that I had sat here many many times and had smoked fish dip and drinks. It was a tradition. If only I could relay to him what I was talking about. he went to get another waiter. He didn't know what smoked fish dip was in English. He kept saying fish fingers. He called another waiter. Meantime, I'm trying to look up smoked fish dip in my pda. I know how to say smoke and I know how to say fish, but I don't know the word for dip. So I'm looking it up. so I'm trying to use the literal translation. They are all standing there in front of our table now talking to each other in Spanish and motioning to one another. I decide to get on the phone and call Infinito or G2 to ask them how do you say smoked fish dip in Spanish. Little Tree is trying to mime the act of eating smoked fish dip to them. they are all imitating her motions of dipping crackers into dip but they are still not understanding what we want. The three waiters in front of us assure me that there is no such thing. that what we really want is fish fingers. Of course, that's not what we want. We know what we want. We are at a restaurant on the water at a marina. We want smoked fish dip. But between all five of us no one can communicate this to the other. This was made more hilarious by the copious amounts of alcohol we were guzzling. Eventually we gave up and settled for some fish sandwiches. This is classic Miami.

6-6-04

The poet flew in from Atlanta to rehearse with the band. he is going to take the drum seat for the upcoming tours. Rehearsing like crazy with the boys for the upcoming tour. all day and all night. five hours on, an hour for lunch, five more hours, a bit of dinner, a few more hours. Great times. can’t believe the energy of getting these five guys in the room together to play music. a super group all coming together to play all these songs. Awesome. JP from DC3 and the pawnshop drunks is playing guitar for us due to the recent disappearance of Vancouver. He is totally brilliant on the guitar, and vocals, and has a great personality. [I say that now—flash forward a few months... Hehe. You know how the road gets.] so its like a whole new band. me and father Bloopy the only original guys left now, but you would never know it. Rockaway has taken the seat for the piano man. it was just an amazing weekend. Cool photo shoot. Great jams. Good times. telling Bas later that night, ‘it just goes to show. I could have taken this craziness with half the guys ducking out at the last minute as a bad thing. could have gotten down about it. but instead I just rode it out. looked for the positives and stayed focused on what we were doing, at the task at hand, and at our goals, and it turned out better than I ever could have imagined.

In other news: the Italian stallion finally emailed me back after a long hiatus. A brief note. I don't think she's ever going to give me more than that. I don't blame her. all my back and forth would drive anybody crazy. Gave each other space for a while. More like me giving her space. I am an insane lover. An even more insane ex-lover I'm afraid. And she and I were/are neither really. Never really sure what we were. I beg her to be friends. She says its my fault and that I was the one who walked away. I say I never walked away from us being friends, just from us being lovers. She says same thing. so that's where we sit almost two years later still. Somewhere between never-friends, not-really-but almost-lovers, and common associates. Great to hear from her though.

Tampa bay just won the Stanley cup. It never snows in Tampa and no one ever ice skates there. but they beat the Alberta, Canada team. Only in America.

Ronald Reagan has passed on. Well that is an end of an era isn't it? this event now truly marks the end of the 20th century some have said. It leaves you with a feeling of ‘where is our guiding light now? where is our spark of hope?’

Last screening: checked this movie called gods and generals. Wasn't too good or bad. But just interesting to see another perspective of America’s civil war. As I experienced the film I was reminded of the little war that is raging between Americans in our own time. That being for the rights and civil liberties of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. Lets hope it never gets to the point of a civil war of course. But its interesting how far apart we can feel sometimes from people we are so close to in most other ways.

5-31

We saw this show about people who have these strange obsessions about their bodies. Just totally out of hand. check this one out:

trich·o·til·lo·ma·ni·a ( (tr k -t l -m n - , -m n y )
n.

The compulsion to tear or pluck out the hair on one's head and face and often to ingest it.

Millions of people suffer from it they say. Of course if you're semi-normal, you're going to freak out about this. Seeing it on TV and all. One of the weirdest things I have ever seen. They’ve traced it now in mice to something genetic perhaps which is a good thing. maybe one day they can find a genetic cure for it and other obsessive compulsive disorders.

Throughout the viewing I just kept asking myself, asking consciousness, what is good in this? Where is the good in this? What can we learn from this? I think that's important. That way we don't get hung up on it. Don’t get hung up on the potentially bad judgments of it. maybe there is something there for us in it. Has to be. Stay eternally optimistic in all matters. Look for the good. Look for the benefit. There is a message there for us.

Last screening: lord of the rings part three. HOLY COW!!! What an epic. This could be the best movie ever made. I mean, obviously there are hundreds of those. But this one fits in there somewhere. Loved it. What a world they created. Can’t believe its not real. A real testament to the genius at play there.

5-30

I believe that when we say that God is on our side, or that it is gods will, that what we mean is that we feel right with something. it is something that we have fully integrated, and something that feels good to us.

Of course the Muslims who attacked America on 9/11 felt that God was on their side in that. and maybe he was. Their God. who knows? and the bush administration felt like God was on their side when they invaded the country of Iraq. And again, maybe he was. Who knows? but with all this talk of God taking sides, one can easily sit on the sidelines and wonder if God being on anyone's side at this point is just a real dangerous belief to hold in consciousness.

But still, objectively, we can feel when God is with us at some times. just this energy. At least that's what we tell ourselves. But again, with that in mind, if we are telling ourselves that in certain situations, and yet others are telling themselves that same thing when they destroying rather than creating, taking human life, rather than saving it.... just makes you think.... where is God in all this? I mean, does he/she/it have an opinion of it?

When Europe stole America from the Native Americans we told ourselves that God was on our side. Same thing when we enslaved the Africans to build this great land. Looking back most of us would agree we were wrong there. looking back now most would agree that no God of theirs would condone such actions. so is God just a pawn for us to use at our own discretion. And if not, then why doesn’t he do anything about the brutal indecencies that are performed in his name? I've said the same thing about the Nazis when they were attempting to extinguish the Jews. They honestly felt that God was on their side in that. was he? The Jews that were being murdered also felt that God was on their side. And the Americans who came in to help also felt that God was on their side in coming in to help save the Jews. Tricky stuff. just who is this God and why doesn’t he make it known which side he is on sometimes? Every now and then he could come around to remind us of what is right, rather than just making us guess all the time. I'm sure that would help out quite a bit.

5-28-04

About a year and a half ago a good friend of mine who is a sculptor told me of a dream she had to create giant sculptures that depicted our dreams. Other people’s dreams. we brainstormed the idea on and off for hours. Realized that these sculptures could be placed all over the country, all over the planet really. She was very taken by the rise and shine album when it was first released, especially the song Do you know who you are and Dreams. Asked if she could use the music in her documentary films, and from there we started discussing me composing music for each sculpture, in each city around the country. Different music and sounds for each. It was a beautiful vision that we shared. Interactive sculptures.

Flash forward a year. she's doing it. the vision has turned into a reality. First installation in Asheville, NC. A community designed sculpture in the heart of the town. a mammoth work many stories high depicting the dreams and visions of the town’s people. very inspiring. She sent me a documentary on the project and I was so inspired by it. the DVD opens with the song do you know who you are and ends with the song Dreams. What an honor. Check it out. www.journeyofdreams.com. A brilliant idea. I told her, “I'm just so glad and appreciative to be a part of it in any way, because I think it is just going to be huge.” Not only will you be very fulfilled as an artist but you will be very rich from this idea.

Earlier today my car runs out of gas but the fuel gauge says I have over a quarter tank. I pull into a shell and the guy tells me that they are out of gas completely. Turns out that all the shell stations got contaminated gas and that is the symptom of it. your tank is full but the gas is no good so your car won't run. I get the feeling that someone up there is trying to tell me something. the oracle asked me, “what are you still doing in Florida? You don't belong there.” “I know. I know.” I tell her... “Doing my best. I promise. Tying up all the loose ends.” My house has sold. I have a week or two to move out. and all of this while still trying to rehearse the band for the European tour and get two singles out to radio and get the new album released before we leave. Insane. And now there is talk of a documentary about me and the guys and our music and the preparation for the tour. Even more insane. Where will we find the time?

I am packing everything I own up and putting it all into storage. Live out of a suitcase for a while. will be easier that way. Less attention to outside things. just focus on the matters at hand. music, videos, writing, touring. It is a liberating feeling.

Last screening: Orchestral rehearsal. The last of the Fellini films for me. I've seen them all now. The only problem that I have with him is that he makes the entire country look vulgar and barbaric. Forty years of film making and one would never think that the Italians had any class at all from watching his work. All of them stuffed with this kind of ubiquitous bathroom humor that is similar to what certain Hollywood filmmakers think is funny. Because I was raised in a northern Italian family, I know from experience that a fellini film, all forty years of them, with their incessant references to farts and dicks and sex et al. are not an accurate representation of the average Italian. I don't know why I feel the need to defend the people. I'm an American now. but for some reason, I just do. Out of respect for my grandparents I guess.

Saw Troy last night. Great to see the old story come to life on the big screen with Brad and the boys. The women were very beautiful. Good film. Made me want to dig into some Greek study just to check it all out and see how much is true and how much is myth.

Current Spin: downloaded a huge file of Ours and jimmy Gnecko live shows from his recent acoustic American tour. great stuff. he is the modern day Farinelli.

5-24-04

Feasting Fellini (A Fellini day)

Still studying Fellini films everyday. This weekend it was all about his fifties neo-realism work. Spent all night with Jazz at this new club that opened up in the design district. Jazz may be a respected music journalist by day, but by night she is a crazy woman. Loves to drink and dance. Sometimes we go out and drink all night. she dances by herself for me and I sit there and watch her. She’ll come up to me and rub all over me to the music, like a stripper. A seductive mating ritual of some kind. Because of our professional relationship its very a erotic thing. Because we never let it get beyond what we like to call a “mutual admiration society.” All very innocent. This particular night she was dancing fabulously and the owner of the club comes and asks her to get on this platform and dance for everyone. So they lift her up about five feet in the air up on this platform and she just does her thing in front of everyone. They're playing the rolling stones, early stuff. that's weird. But very cool. We stayed out till about 6 in the morning, coming home wasted and blurry eyed.

We slept for a few hours and then I drove her to the airport where she will spend a few weeks in Paris with some Armenian guy she met. This is half the fun of what we have. She is crotched on my leg dancing totally erotically and turning me on and teasing the hell out of me and we’re talking about her Armenian guy or some girl I'm thinking about going out with. It is a special arrangement we have.

At the airport I picked up the Iranian Princess Little Tree who was flying in to spend a few days with me here in Miami before I leave for another tour. I am exhausted. I fall asleep in the car on the way home and almost kill us. Cannot even open my eyes to focus on the road. Little Tree is upset. ‘Why are you so tired? What did you do last night?’

I still manage to take us to an Italian dinner. Wine, bread, mozzarella, tomatoes, veal ravioli, salad, cappuccino, and Crème Brule. Went to bed and strangely enough dreamed of Juliet all night as always lately. In this dream she is telling me to meet her someplace. I cannot wake up out of the dream because I am too exhausted from the night before, but I try very hard to remember where she tells me to meet her.

Little Tree is an exiled Princess from Iran who left her homeland as a little girl to come live in America during the great exodus of the late seventies when their whole family had to escape once the ayatollah komeni took over. She has not been back in over twenty years. She is a very unconventional and controversial figure in Iran and here in the states. We have an extremely fun, loving, and special bond with one another due to our similar positions in life, she exiled from Iran and me exiled from reality as it is. She is ten or eleven years older than I am. [Older women. There is nothing like them. that 35 to 50 bracket is when a woman really blossoms into a goddess. A woman reaches her peak then. Mainstream American culture has it all wrong in its obsession with 22 year old girls. There's just not much they can offer compared to a real woman.]

Princess Little Tree is one of the classiest women I know. Similar to Cleopatra in that, both ex-royals. The thing I notice about royals is that current or ex, they still maintain a certain elegance, grace, and refinement that you cannot find in others. Their English is perfect and their manners are impeccable. Would never say anything bad about another and they never curse. It is entirely refreshing in the modern world. It is something unfortunately that makes it very hard for me to be with other girls. Especially American girls. This isn't a great thing for me obviously since I am almost to this point in my life where I am ready to find “the one” and there aren't a lot of former royals hanging around waiting to marry rock singers. But I wouldn’t trade our experiences for anything.

No one knows about Little Tree and I. Its all very hush hush and our infrequent meetings here and there are something that we share with no one. I only write about it here because I know that this will stay on my hard drive for years to come and no one will ever find out about it. at least not now. We are as close as close can be, but in a very nonchalant and friendly way. this is good for us both. We try to get together whenever time will allow with our busy schedules. What I like most is that we are able to remain good friends and talk about absolutely anything but still maintain a very sweet and passionate love affair behind the scenes. Very few people in America actually know who she is. Especially in Miami. in Miami you can get away with almost anything because no one notices anyone else, which is half the appeal of this pleasure land.

We spend all morning Saturday watching more Fellini films. A lot of drama and sadness and pathos. I am not at the point yet where I am a raving fan. Perhaps I am just too young. Or the films too old. Little Tree and I drink coffee and feed each other fresh fruit. We make love a little and watch some more of the film. Back and forth like this for hours. I look down at her underneath me. Her skin is so perfectly bronzed and slim. None of this is getting by me. How honored I am to be with her in every moment. “You are so perfect. So beautiful.” “I know,” she says. “you are a very lucky man,” she jokes. “You are a Persian goddess. That's what you are,” I say stroking her hair. “If I were a Persian goddess I would not be making love with you ,” she teases me. “O.k. well maybe that's true. But allow me this fantasy. Please. Just make love to me and act like a goddess.”

When we finish we are all smiles and glowing. Our hair is a mess, sticking up all over the place. She is resting in my arms. “ Iran down. How many more to go?” she laughs. “I can’t believe you just said that. You are crazy.” I say. “How is your collection coming anyway?” She is referring to when we were younger and I used to joke about making love to a woman from every country in the world before I settled down. Of course I'm sure its been done before. I bet gene Simmons did it before he settled down... But I would still like to try my hand at it. I always used to tease her about it. “Well now that you mention it, since the last time we saw each other, I have had Peru, Venezuela, Columbia, France, Italy twice, India most recently which was cool. Cuba of course... “ “Of course,” she comments. “My God, listen to you. all just a part of your collection? No keepers?” “Well not yet. But I love them all madly.” “I know you do. That's why we love you so much,” she said and kissed me on the lips. “Well you have certainly been busy.” “Yes. You know, I hate to start something and not finish it...” “God Fishy, you know if someone heard you talk like that and didn't know you, they could say some awfully bad things about you..” “Well let them say what they want. There's only one thing worse than people saying bad things about you, and that's people not saying anything at all. That's the worst.” “You're so silly.” “I'll take that as a compliment. Listen my Persian Princess,” “I thought I was a goddess?” “You are. Sorry. Listen. Do you think you will ever be able to return to Iran?” “Not likely. Not now. why do you ask?” “Well I would like to go there with you sometime.” “I don't think that's going to happen. we would be stoned to death because you are American. But that is very sweet.” “Yeah. I was just thinking. it would be cool if we could make love over there. it would make it more authentic. You know, for my collection.” “Oh you are bad.” “No, seriously, you know, you could wear one of those black dresses and a scarf while we did it. That would be cool.” She makes this sound, like “uuuuggghhh,” and rolls off of me. “Just watch the movie.”

Later that day we attended a lecture on stem cell research on the 27th floor of this very posh condo over looking the ocean. We had a good time pretending to be other people as always. Sometimes I am a lawyer and she is my wife. Other times we are both doctors who work together. If we fuck up during a conversation with a stranger, like not being able to remember where our residency was or something, we both just start laughing and walk away. Its fun and cheeky.

Before the lecture started we made our way out to the pool deck. Again, we’re on the 27th floor over looking the water so it was absolutely beautiful. the sun was about a foot or two off the water, still setting. We found a giant lounge couch and crashed on it together to watch the sunset. We ended up falling asleep for hours and missing the lecture entirely. By the time we woke up everyone was gone.

On the cab ride home, we had a close call with this cabbie who called himself Michael. He immediately recognized me. “You're that singer with the funny name?” “Yes.” “I love that song Minnie Driver...“ “Thanks.” “And who is your lovely friend? Is this your wife?” “No, she's just a friend.” and then a few minutes later, this guy who’s constantly looking at us through his rear view mirror says, “You know, I lived in Iran for a few years” out of the blue. We look at each other like “uh oh” and play it down. “Oh really?” “Yes. I knew I knew you from somewhere. You're Princess Little Tree aren't you? I remember you.” She says no. “You know you look just like her? Do you know her?” “No. I'm sorry. I do not know her,” she answers with an accent that gives her away immediately. He continues to tell us of his adventures in Iran and other parts of the world. Worked in security for a few decades and he has now retired in Miami as a cab driver. Only in Miami. turns out he worked for the secret police under the Shaw, her uncle. There was no way we were getting away with this one. who would have figured? But as we exit he assures us that our secret is safe with him. We tip him handsomely.

Next we make our way to the infamous Russian bath house on Miami beach. There we can enjoy clay mud treatments, massages, saunas, and the underground salt water Jacuzzi. We go into the Russian svitz room where the temperatures get up to a hundred and ten and the only way to survive it is to incessantly douse yourself in ice cold water. We beat each other with oak leave branches till we cannot breath anymore from laughing so hard.

In the Jacuzzi she is telling me how sexist things are still in Iran. Women are still forced to wear long black dresses and scarves around their heads. Men are allowed to marry more than one woman as long as they are able to support them. they do not need their wives consent. We are talking about the extreme fundamentalism that persists there in order to perpetuate such extreme sexist laws and customs. Of course its all in the name of religion. Isn't it always? I tell Little Tree that I imagine a day when one by one the women just start to rebel and go out into the streets dressed like western women. That maybe they might even be killed for it, but that little by little it will change things there.

I ask her if it bothered her when in the eighties America was secretly funding the country of Iraq with biological and chemical weapons in order for them kill more Iranians. She says of course it does. But at the same time America gave her family a home and a refuge away from certain death. “Perhaps you might have been beheaded or something,” I say. “Perhaps. Or worse. Died in prison.” “Wow. That would have been cool. I mean to be beheaded. Don't get me wrong. that would have sucked because then we wouldn’t be able to hang out like we do, but still... what a rush.” “You are not nice Fishy. I don't like when you speak like that.” “I'm just kidding.” “Well its not funny. Please stop.” “O.k. sorry. That's just the American in me.” “You all think you're so invincible here. You think its funny to make jokes like that about other countries and their problems. We felt that way once.” I paused and reflect on what she was saying.

I am almost asleep in the Jacuzzi now. All of a sudden Little Tree wakes me up. “Fishy, look!” She is poking me. “Wake up. Look outside.” I look up and I think I am dreaming. I squint my eyes to look out the giant windows. “Its snowing,” she says with her mouth hanging open. Everyone in the Jacuzzi is in shock. We stare at each other in amazement. “Fishy, its not supposed to snow in Miami is it?” “No. I don't think so.” We just sat there in the hot water, mouths hanging open in disbelief. It was beautiful. In future times from now, when people talk about the one and only day it ever snowed in Miami, this will be a record of that day for me. I will never forget it.

5-20

Happy birthday Tree!

another dream. Out in the ocean with jazz, hanging on this sinking boat. Trying to save someone or something. watching my feet dangle in the water. Had this sinking feeling that any minute something awful was going to happen. frightened with our legs dangling there, out in the middle of nowhere. I turn to jazz in a moment of silence. “What's going to happen here? Is it going to be a shark thing or some other monsters? Or is it going to be like pirates or bad people attacking us?” as if it was already written. I don't remember her answer.

Is all of this nothing but a dream? Lives already planned out? the future predestined? Can we change our destinies? Is it as simple as “pirates or sharks?” or is it as simple as “I choose neither.” I wonder.
As men we have always desperately wanted to feel as though we were the creators of our own destinies. And yet it is a concept that we have always been deathly afraid of and unable to fully integrate. We have never lived without our gods. There is a timeless philosophical argument that has filled the time of men with nothing better to do than earn honorary degrees for the ignoble task of debating the undebatable. It is known as the ‘free will versus determinism’ argument. It is what led me to abandon philosophy in college. Being predetermined that I would be born a rather philosophical thinker myself, I quickly decided that there was no need for me to pursue an education in something that I was already an expert at. Arguing the useless was a gift I afforded myself many hours of as youth.

As I grew older I soon began to realize that it was one of the weaknesses of all of us, one that on many occasions contributed to our wretched fate while we've been here. I listened as religious leaders preached the idea of God’s gift of free will to us one minute, and then contradicted themselves with the words ‘if it is God’s will’ in the next. All around us we see the proof positive that indeed we are born with this free will. But in moments of extreme victory or defeat, take your pick, we succumb again and again to the idea of determinism or destiny. It is a noble belief. And one cannot fault a man for falling to it. How many times have we fallen in love and felt that it was destiny? When we break up with that same person years or decades later, we find comfort in telling ourselves and others that ‘it was meant to be.’

Yes, it is easier that way. In times of need it can give us strength. But it is not a position of strength. It can give us comfort, but in times of great need, when it appears that all is against us, it is not comforting to believe that destiny itself is working against us. This is the time when we need most to honor this great gift of our free will. Our belief in the gods has always worked to our detriment. Except of course when we have had nothing else to believe in. Men have staked entire empires and civilizations on their belief in gods and destiny. Only to lose it all. Is that itself a destiny? Or simply free will gone amuck?

For as much as I cherish my free will, I have never for a moment let go of my own belief in my own destiny. That is the great mystery. For all of us. if I cross the street now I could get run over by a car. But if I stay standing here I could just as easily get struck by lightening. Free will. Destiny. Will there never be an answer? If we ever do find an answer, let it be known that here, now, today, in these times, that we still hadn't a clue.

5-19

thinking about when you're learning a foreign language and how some phrases don't make sense. It can throw you. if you try to use logic, forget about it. like in Spanish when they say “I dreamed with you last night” instead of “I dreamed about you.” or they “get off” the car. Instead of “get out of the car.” Or in Italian when they say “I have a need for such and such” instead of “I need...” this morning some lady calls me and says in English “give me a call.” I think “ give me a call?” that makes no sense. But we’re used to it. so we take it for granted. Just like any other language.

5-18

Dreamed of Juliet last night/this morning. Somewhere. We were nowhere, but somewhere in the open. Outside somewhere... We were with a third person. a girlfriend of mine perhaps. We are talking about this feeling we had. ‘When we are together I feel whole,’ I say. ‘...like a whole person...’ she says. ‘If only I would have known,’ she says. It is romantic but it is not sexual. Romantic in a spiritual way, in a God way. Like literature. The girlfriend character tries to take control of the situation. she is taken aback by the understanding between Juliet and I. I expect her to understand. I am sitting next to Juliet. I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness talking with her. I feel like I can trust her completely. She is at ease and content. Just being. This is the fireplace that the oracle had mentioned in her last reading. ‘Juliet is a like a fireplace. Warm, caring, strong. She is a soulmate.’ In the dream I tell her I have a present for her and her boyfriend. I have a deep understanding that no matter the strong feelings I have that my mission is to honor her and her family, what she already has. What I already have. That I am not getting in the way of that. I am in appreciation of our understanding and connection.

I wake up. I feel so enlivened by this chance meeting in the dream. I feel grounded by it. I keep going back to reflect on the scenes from the dream, to try to capture the feeling of it; I feel strong and healthy and happy from it.

Continuing to edit The Adventures of Fishy. a few pages everyday. Revisiting the old world. Harrowing and emotional.

Jazz calls and coos me to sleep.

Little Tree coming to visit.

Tour dates continue to be added. As band members continue to come and go. Now more than ever I must believe in myself. Believe in what this is all about. the songs. And the sound. And the message. No wonder all of our heroes were drug addicts. This is not easy. The uncertainty. And the lack of stability of it. I resist the temptation to escape and breathe deep. Vancouver knows that we are about to tour for three or four months but hasn’t called anyone in the band. Pretends he was never in the band. Infinito is out of the tour, still recording a new album together, but out of the tour. When push comes to shove we have discovered that a lot of guys are scared shitless to pack everything up and spend months on the road. afraid of being gone so long, afraid of not being able to eat right, afraid of not seeing anyone they know, afraid of not having any money... and yet for some of us it seems like the opportunity of a lifetime. So we continue to rehearse and hone our sound. And new guys hop aboard.

Pause

Tonight we had an absolutely brilliant rehearsal for the new album material. A hard album. Tricky and hard-edged sounding. It will challenge fans. Certain fans who love rns or swy or nic. This is a totally different sounding album. sounds like the police meets tool meets nirvana.

Later after rehearsal I receive an email from Juliet telling me that she dreamed of me last night where we were sitting having a long conversation. I was amazed. How very Richard Bach of us.

The Official End of the Transcendence Diaries

Although this may well appear to be the beginning, it has long been considered by many to be the official ending point of the Transcendence Diaries. At least as originally penned by Fishy himself. The date of this last entry is approximate but believed to be from some time in May or June of 2004.

“From this point forward I will be discontinuing writing the t diaries. Instead I will focus all of my free time on editing the abandoned original book. There is no way I will ever be done with this character if I don't finish the work completely. And the only way I can finish it is to get it off my computer and out there into the world where it can no longer haunt me. I will begin inserting huge volumes from the recently found original Adventures of Fishy manuscripts here as I edit them. I have just taken an inventory and found to my horror that there are 1096 chapters to the work in various finished and unfinished states on my hard drive. Each from 1 to 50 pages. So depending on what the odds are, I'm looking at 1096 pages at the least to a maximum of 50,000 pages. Somewhere in between I assume. This will give me plenty to do during the transition to Tobias Guess. On occasion I will write I'm sure. But no longer as Fishy of course. Will it make any sense? Don't know. Has it ever made any sense? Perhaps the dates will help. Watch the dates. The old Fishy never referred to what year it was in the diaries. Only dated according to his age at the time. Or his presumed age. The newer Fishy, who is now dead or dying, the one who allegedly composed the last three years known as the Transcendence Diaries, started using real dates, including years, in 2001. At some point Tobias Guess will take over. Absolute madness. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Actually here is the real madness: the diaries run in reverse order from the never-ends to the very never-began. So this well-meaning caveat will mean nothing. By the time one gets to this point they will have either figured it out or given up long before. For although this is the beginning, for most this will be the end.”

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5-1

A few things. Saw the play “A Picasso” tonight. With jazz. We kissed. Ten little kisses in a row in the rain in an empty parking lot. Good times. Play was average. Understand why it is playing in Miami. Wouldn’t play anywhere else in the country. Very sophomoric. Trite, predictable. Felt as if we were watching a college student’s first attempt at writing a play. I could write this shit in my fucking sleep I am thinking as I nod off during the dull performance. French restaurant, amazing lamb chops. The best ever. The worst crème Brule ever. Returned it. Owner walks around whistling at all of his employees. And shouts across the room to everyone. Very French. Classic.

More and more lately starting to appreciate the pro-life stance. Bas I talk about it. Ran into Tucker Carlson, the annoying guy from Crossfire with the bowtie, the other day in Boston. He told me it was only a matter of time before I was a conservative. We laughed. Although I don't agree with him, I am starting to understand the whole anti-abortion thing. As he says, it is murder and there is just no two ways about it. It’s a game of hide and go seek we play. Lets pretend there's nothing living under there. We throw the cat in the bag and we tell ourselves ‘I don't see a cat. What cat?’ and then we shoot at the bag until the cat stops jumping around. ‘Seriously, I never saw a cat, did you? It was just a bag that jumped a lot.’ As long as we don't see the cat, then its o.k. Bas says, ‘I hate to break from the liberal side even for a moment, but lets be fair here, its legalized murder. By twelve weeks they have a heart beat, a brain, and even finger nails.’ ‘I know dude. It’s a tough call. I don't know what to do.’ ‘I think they should just have them unless their life is endangered, or in the case of rape or something. but in all other cases, they should have the baby. Its nine months. That's all. if they don't want the baby, they can give it up for adoption. Its not like there aren't hundreds, even thousands of parents out there ready and waiting to adopt a child.’ ‘I would have to agree with you bro. I don't think we have any choice at this point. I understand the dilemma, who wants to be told what to do with their body, but at the same time, what are we going to do? keep trying to pretend there's not a living breathing person under there? just because we can’t see them with the naked eye? Its crazy.’ ‘Yep. Its crazy.’

The cats. Standing by the open door. Cats coming in. Cats can’t decide if they want to go out. a little drunk. for a moment there, I went into their minds. A brief moment. Felt what it felt like from their perspective. A flashback to my youth. I have felt this before. when I was younger I had this ability to feel what the cats felt. To see things from the cat perspective. The Avatar tools enable us to get back to that. to feel from different perspectives again. I forget sometimes that I have this ability.

Current screening: 81/2 by fellini. Still watching it. I watch a little every night. a few minutes and no more just before sleep. I don't want it to go away. like a fine pinot noir sitting in the glass on the table. To be savored, not devoured. this film is amazing isn't it. just amazing. this scene with him and all the women in his house and he with the whip. It is transcendent. A bold vision.

The play was not all lost time. The Picasso play did remind me. at times. that was the good part. The inspiration. To be all that I can be. to fully embrace all of me. all of my gifts and talent. To let it out. even if it is just a three minute sketch so to speak. Stop thinking of the commerciality of it. its fucking art for Gods sake. Its your fucking art. Picasso said ‘my paintings are my eyes and arms.’ I felt that. my music is my eyes and arms and ears and legs. It is my vehicle. the bastards of the industry try to squash that in us. try to force us to operate from a purely commercial viewpoint. It is a challenge everyday to ignore their money-grubbing practicality. I heard the new avril lavigne song today on the radio and it reminded me of everything I am not and everything I work hard never to be. this song will be a hit I thought. But I will never make a song like this. I will have hits on my own terms. In my own way. to have a hit is not the goal. To achieve sublime personal expression on your own terms as the artist. that is the goal. If one can somehow combine that with mass commercial appeal in a moment in time, then all the better. In one moment to have the two worlds collide. Now that would be something. a miracle. But one cannot be at the expense of the other. Think of Sheryl and her hit ‘if it makes you happy.’ I would be proud to have written that song. And that song was a hit. So it can happen. but for the most part her work has been shit ever since. so for me I have always been on the edge. Perhaps a bit too cautious for my own good. too experimental, too eager for eclecticism. But nonetheless, better than being commercial for no other reason than that as the ultimate goal.

4-29-04

I am writing the song Solaris. I love it. it is smooth, cool, mysterious, sexy sounding. it is about Juliet. Inspired by her in some way. as if it was she in that film. Floating out there in space. Something like this. Reconnecting only to find that you will need to reconnect again in another lifetime. This is the theme. I have known Juliet before. in other lifetimes. I see it in her eyes. I don't know what it is or what its supposed to be. I don't think its that important to know as much as just to honor what I do feel. Its those eyes. since the first moment I saw her eyes I felt as if she was looking at me, time stops and she is talking to me with those eyes. I will never tell her that. I ask myself, “what is it?” so I write a few songs about it and move on. The new songs for the new new new album are just beginning to become solidified between the four of us. Vancouver hasn’t been a part of the new songs yet. the album seems to have a very cinematic quality to it. thinking of calling it either revolution in me or cinematique. It is as if I am composing a film with this one.

Manager called today. if the diaries were not over we could give him a name, but there is no need now. Anthony from universal called to say they are passing because he “doesn’t hear any hits” on sleep with you. What an idiot. No hits. Like Veronica is not a hit. What are you going to do but laugh? “No hooks,” he says. I was screaming, jumping up and down. Throwing the football against the wall. Loud thuds. You know, say what you fucking will about transcendence. we've been turned down for every reason in the book by these guys over the last few years. Say you don't like Fishy’s vocals. Or Infinito’s drumming is too Latin or experimental, or say that the overt sexuality on sleep with you bothers you... but don't fucking say you don't hear any hooks on a fucking Fishy album. Our manager says, ‘”Fishy honestly I didn't know what to say in response to the guy. What do you say to that? You guys write hooks better than almost any band I know of right now. Shit, I think that's your best quality, is the song writing. and the guitar. That's why we signed you. He could have just said that he didn't think that y’alls material was modern enough. At least then I would have hung up that phone with a little bit of respect for the guy. But he seriously sat there and told me that he didn't hear any hooks in your songs. I'm sorry pal. I don't know what to tell you. The guy is an idiot. Don’t worry about it. We’ll keep moving on. In the meantime, keep getting yourselves ready for these tours. And I'll keep you posted.” “roger that.”

Publicist calls a few hours later (gonna need to come up with a name for her...) (by the way I am starting to develop a serious crush on her—she is one vibrant babe. I guess that's why she gets paid the big bucks for publicizing people, because of her personality.) “Your manager called and told me what that idiot at Universal said. I'm sorry.” “Don't be. We don't want to get picked up by a bigger label on this one unless they fucking worship us. Fuck that. it wouldn’t work. I'm not even worried about it. We’ll stay on the smaller label who still has ears.” “But no hooks? He said he didn't hear any hooks? That’s retarded.” “Tell me about it. When rise and shine came out they told us it was too eclectic, too diverse. And now we get more fan mail about that album than we ever have... you would think it was the fucking Holy Grail or something.” “Its awesome Fishy.” “Well thanks. I like it too.” “Oh you do, do you?” she laughs. “Yeah, you know, I can still objectify... I hear it. Now that we’re getting all this attention for it two years later. it helps me appreciate it too now... you know?” “I'm glad.” “For a while there I wasn't hearing it. I was too busy listening to these guys at the large labels and their insistence that we make something more straight ahead...” “How do you deal with that?” “With what?” “You guys know you have amazing product. it isn't like you have to believe in yourself or anything cheesy like that. You guys know you have great product. You don't have to talk yourselves into it or anything. How do you deal with all this bullshit?” “I don't know. We just do. I've never known anything different. So I just keep doing what I do, you know?” “Well you're a tough cookie.” “Yeah I guess. Or I'm just really stupid. LOL.”

Somewhere between Fishy and Tobias Guess now. Floating between the two. Who am I now? I am me. I am starting to believe in me. It is a powerful feeling.

4-?-04

Another night of tossing and turning and vivid dreaming... I cannot remember a night in months where I wasn't entirely awake during my sleep, watching myself dream, taking notes, making corrections.... it is not a good thing. I long for real sleep. Deep sleep. I dreamed of Juliet again. I have noticed that I dream of her often. I don't think that it is she that I am dreaming about specifically as much as just what she has come to represent momentarily in my subconscious mind.

Have noticed the death of Fishy has begun. A slow death. But he is happy to be finally departing. If I wasn't charting the course by continuing to write the diaries then I believe it would happen even faster. Can I make the transition to Tobias Guess completely and still write daily as I always have? Does Tobias write daily as Fishy always has? I remember that between the years 1996 to 2001 when I was at the peak of the Ambassador years that I wrote almost nothing at all. just made notes now and then to remind myself what I would write one day, mostly lists of achievements and accomplishments. Now it seems that my grandest achievements are in the words and dreams and not in actions.

There is so much about this character Fishy that I have now grown tired of. The whining, the sophomoric self obsession, the nagging suspicion that everything won't work out for the best, the underlying nihilism and existential screen that he places in front of everything. I must change. I must put him down for good and resurrect as a new me. The old me. The ambassador was a taste of Tobias Guess. A ghost. A remembrance of what would come, of what could come. I do find inside a subtle pleasure of accomplishment in being a writer. Certain passages leave me with an overwhelming feeling of satisfaction as I fall asleep after hours spent hunched over the laptop. But I never wanted to be a writer. and so I spend absolutely no time promoting myself as a writer or pursuing a career in it, much to the objection of my friends and family. If I am going to achieve something in this life, it will be in the real world and not in the imaginary world of the writer. No.... the writer and the writing is not how I wish to be remembered. Fishy created Fishy because his own life was not yet to the degree that he desired it to be. Tobias Guess on the other hand will rise from mediocrity like the Phoenix for no other reason but that he is that Phoenix.

But the question still remains. How then do I achieve the level of success, of luxury, of accomplishment, of style, of notoriety that befits Tobias Guess? Just as I one day awoke and realized that I was Fishy and that he was no longer merely a character in my mind, I wonder how I can best facilitate the same thing happening to me with Tobias. As I write this the answer is clear. The boy genius Fishy took notes of things. Fishy was and always will be a brilliant chronographer. Setting the details and the events he observed in the world to beautiful songs and thousands of pages of journal entries. But the masterful and magnanimous worldly king Tobias Guess will be and always has been the creator of these world events, rather than just the insightful observer of them.

In fact, I remember now that Tobias Guess was never written or designed as a writer. he has come to me now maybe ten times, in his sudden and brief visitations, and never once did we ever discuss his being a writer. he was always the brave adventurer and explorer. An inventor, a valiant warrior, a hero for the ages. Man’s man, ladies man, man about town, to steal a phrase. He was never a writer from what I can remember. But I can’t even go to a movie or a party without pulling out a notebook and taking notes on how I can use the events in some way for my work. How can I make my work larger than mere words or song? I must put the pen away. I must live with no record of observation. No record of having lived. That is the world of Tobias Guess.

Of course I shudder to think how I am meant to achieve anything close to this in my day to day waking life. Fishy was the vehicle because he never found the worldly success that he desired for his own life. Tobias on the other hand was born into it. awoke into it. I have such a wall up around me as a person that I have always found any kind of self-promotion distasteful and horrifying. Attention has always frightened me and, how do you put this, been a bother I guess. Because the more attention one has from others the more one must pay attention to others; and I have never felt like I had the time for that because I have always been deathly afraid that it would take time away from my work. At the peak of the ambassador years, just when it appeared I was about to rise up to the level that I had always imagined Tobias Guess existed in, I abandoned my own name, and started releasing albums under the band name of Transcendence instead; I disappeared behind the veil of a pseudo-band and seriously felt for a brief time that I didn't exist at all, but was just ‘one of the guys.’ G2, one of my most trusted and loyal companions, protested immediately and vehemently. As he is the visual half of everything I create, he insists that I return to recognizing my own contribution to the work that I spend my entire waking life producing by at least acknowledging my own name, rather than hiding behind a generic band name, a name that neither of us even like too much.

But again it will all be dependent upon how willing I am to permit the action to take place around me rather than outside of me from a distance. The anonymity that my current life affords me is comfortable. I can write and say anything I want to and get away with it. And still be paid for it. But still.... as I write it, I am not falling for it. although if I were being paid better perhaps I would fall easier for it. so maybe it’s a good thing that I'm not.

One thing that I have noticed is that an important aspect of the metamorphosis is the new willingness to censure and edit my ideas. Whereas for years the work as it stood at the moment of creation was the most important thing to uphold as an artist, I have now begun to realize that I can easily facilitate the killing off of Fishy just by deleting whole passages that he writes the following day. it is a strange but powerful elixir. Because of this I cannot post daily diary entries anymore, but instead choose to hang onto them for weeks at a time, changing them, and helping to shape them into a more aligned representation of the new character that I so desperately need to become in order to survive with any semblance of sanity left. And if all of this seems quite insane already, I would be the first to admit that it is all the more insane to be living inside of it.

At some point it has to switch. Where or when is the switching point?

Current Spin: the mooney Suzuki, electric sweat. Awesome rock guitar! A feast!

Last screening: 8 ∏ by Fellini. He was at his peak. Needless to say this is a must-see masterpiece if you don't already own it. Well now we understand Woody Allen a lot better.

4-16-04

Last night I dreamed that someone was in our house going through their CD collection... showing us different things. Mom was there. Asleep. What the hell was my mom doing there? Vancouver was there... Bloopy was there. The guy starts acting crazy. Saying crazy things. I'm thinking, ‘this guy is crazy.’ He starts ranting and raving about some CD. I am bored. This is stupid. I was feeling that it was turning into a waste of my time. I'm leaving, but then I look over and see this body lying there.... bloody... he had killed someone. Right there in the house. Didn’t anyone else see it? I knew it. This guy was a psycho. It was a reminder for me, to trust that instinct. Later that night. Time had passed. I was lying in bed. The house was dark and quiet. Everyone was asleep. I laid there awake. Staring up at the ceiling. I knew I had to do something. I thought about waking mom up or one of the guys. but I had this realization that it didn't matter, asking anyone else about this. What mattered was that I needed to act. I got up, got dressed, and went outside. I found the man. Out in the front yard. Waiting for me. A twisted soul. An apparition or entity at best. A culmination of anger, confusion, depression, resentment, and neurosis come to life. An undead. Whose? Mine? Someone else’s? Did it matter? I knew what must be done. I strangled the man until he stopped breathing. He did not resist. I then took out a sword, (where did I get a sword?), and stabbed him in the heart as he fell to the ground. I then walked back to the house, went in, and laid in bed some more, my mind reeling. Eventually I fell asleep I assume. I never awoke that morning. And I never awoke from that dream. What did the dream mean, or what does the dream mean, since I seem to still be in it, is not the question. Where the hell am I now? That is the question.

4-15

Out with jazz, who is back from France now. both of us just wasted. One cannot under-estimate the benefits that the effect of alcohol can have on the spirit. there is just nothing like it. it gives a certain clarity of mind, a freedom, a broad perspective that only pure unadulterated drunkenness can give. Liberating. Getting drunk at least once a month should be mandatory for all citizens of the free world. There is just nothing like the clarity of mind that it affords. It enables one to separate far enough away from all worries and concerns of the ego that it can make life seem very clear, very easy. Which is a good thing. just loosens you all up. sometimes I forget that. Driving home tonight, man I just let it fly. I have a little more than a month left on this beamer. Hence my move to new York. I figured since the lease is up on my car, it’s the perfect time to make the move back to the big city. in what I pay for a car and insurance every month I could easily afford an apartment in nyc. Not kidding. But its so worth it. tonight, seeing that I was feeling pretty loose, I just opened that baby up, stepped on it all the way and let it fly. Hit a hundred mph in less than a second or two. And was well over 120 soon after. Say what you will but there is nothing like a beamer. Don't have much experience with Porsche, Ferrari, or Masseratti yet, so can’t say. But look forward to it one day. what other cars are there? in the meantime the beamers always blow me away when it comes to performance and handling. For me there is just nothing else at this stage.

[there's a real funny story. During the recent FTAA protests here in Miami a few months ago, I loaned the beamer to a couple of the protesters who were here from other cities. Ironically enough they were on their way to the print shop to pick up some anti-office-depot flyers that they had made because office depot supposedly has all these really bad deforestation practices that make them a very unsavory corporation to environmental activists etc... and an hour later they get back to the compound and they are just raving about the car. just overfilled with joy and excitement about it. they're telling me, ‘holy shit Fishy, I had no idea that driving a car could be a sexual experience, that it could be such an exhilarating experience...’ and I'm telling them, ‘well duh, now maybe you understand that allure of capitalism a little bit... making money is not such a bad thing after all is it?’] I will sure miss her when she's gone. But if I have to choose between speeding down the highway with the top down and the music playing and life in the big city, taking the everywhere, I'm going to choose the big city for now. I'm like a fish out of water here. just no connection to the people here except the boys in the band....

Absolutely must make love with jazz. O.k. well maybe not go that far, but she is

smart. Which is a huge turn on. Great fun. We’re always in such synch with one another. Unexpected but undeniable attraction. Great spirit.

More deaths in Iraq. Everyday now. We declared victory six months, nine months ago? And we have had more deaths this month so far than any other month in the invasion. Promised I wouldn’t write about politics anymore. Not good for business I'm told. So I won't.

I will stop writing the current diaries for a while then. Focus on the Blue Mask and the older adventures that were found in the box. That will give me something to do over the next few months on the road. By the time I return to posting things current, Fishy will be dead and Tobias Guess will be born.

For the record: Bush Jr is president of America. he seems very funny to most of us. except the people who live in the middle states. but in fairness, not much funnier than Clinton seemed. He has allegedly lied, cheated, swindled, and manipulated more than anyone in recent history but no one seems to notice. (Although I confess I am not old enough yet to appropriately use the term ‘recent history’, but still, I'm not an idiot. I take that back. I very well could be, but at least I don't look like one. not yet anyway. this guy was just out for no good since the day he stepped in office.) A reclusive and reticent man named John Kerry is a Massachusetts golden boy hopeful fighting to save the great empire; or at least baby sit for a while until someone better comes along. He changes his mind a lot and vacillates on the issues. Everyone is noticing. He doesn’t seem that cool and everyone is noticing. When America has to make a choice between the quiet vacillating philosopher war-hero, and the saccharin-flavored fork-tongued snake who puppets for the dark forces, the entire world will be watching. Our economy is tanking and no one seems to notice. The great sleeping giant China has finally woken up and is using up the world’s resources faster than global industry can keep up. Commodity markets are going crazy. Gas prices are higher than they’ve been in our young lifetimes, and yet TV is still advertising SUVs every five minutes. The suburbs are still full of them. Most people don't seem to notice much. As China wakes up, America has fallen into a deep slumber. The last gasp before an empire passes on is a giant wave of illogical borrowing and spending. Like the final desperate kicking and screaming of a beast just before it is about to be slaughtered. Black music has taken over mainstream American culture and rock and roll is struggling to fit somewhere in between, becoming more of a novelty. There is someone called Courtney love who seems very close to killing herself or someone else. Another named David Blaine has found a way to levitate, or just appear that he is. Little Michael Jackson has turned out weirder than anyone could have possibly imagined. Real estate prices are through the roof. The average sale price for a flat in Manhattan is $999,000. Interest rates at an all time low. Israel and Palestine are still fighting. North Korea is building up a nuclear arsenal. South America is starting to walk. Europe has finally united and although no one believed it could happen their currency the euro has surpassed the American dollar in value by about 25% in four short years. Gay is becoming very hip and mainstream. Reality TV is very popular. Terrorism is the word most often heard in the streets and around the water cooler. A new ‘sort of’ planet was discovered in our solar system. Black holes are no longer theory. Brain implants and neural-prosthetics, once the stuff of science fiction, are becoming a reality so paraplegics can do things by just thinking about them. Cell phones are replacing home phones. Voicemail has replaced answering machines. Email is replacing greeting cards, letters, newspapers, newsletters, etc. the Internet is replacing everything else. Advertising is replacing real information. Corporations are replacing governments. There may not be a chicken in every pot, but there certainly is a computer in every home. Usually two. The band is about to tour Europe. I have become obsessed with studying politics, world affairs, and economics in place of music, art, religion, and philosophy. Whereas the latter subjects, which were the obsessions of my youth, inspired and fascinated me, the current ones confuse me and leave me feeling a bit apprehensive. Take this excerpt from one of yesterday’s financial news column’s:

[THE FOREIGN TRADE DEFICIT. The U.S. is currently

importing about $500 billion more than it exports every

year. That's been going on for many years, so there are

trillions of U.S. dollars now held outside of the U.S.

Since U.S. dollars are only "legal tender" within the U.S.,

whether foreigners continue holding them depends on whether

they have confidence in the dollar. Confidence can vanish

like a pile of feathers during a hurricane. I would suggest

that they're becoming increasingly aware that the dollar

is, in fact, an "IOU Nothing" on the part of the U.S. Government, which is itself bankrupt.]

O.k. so there it is. a small sampling... even though on the TV here in America they try to act like everything is o.k., most experts are saying that its not. So... go figure. Same old story.

I am still male, white, straight, unmarried, and have no children. Trying to make my way in the world as best as I can. Releasing Girls, and Veronica, as our next singles. About to release the Nothing is cohesive album. The music and the art design is the best we've ever done to date. I am on a high with my music. Just totally fucking peaking. Can do no wrong; but thoroughly and entirely bored with the rest of my life. my current identity settings are set to Fishy. But he is dead to me now. When I return I will be Tobias Guess. The Cosmos is Great and Large, Darnright.

Last screening: Concert for George Harrison. You know, its very nice to see all the boys up there singing George’s songs. Kind of comes off like if all your uncles and parents and grandparents singing their favorite songs at a family barbeque. the ravi shankar Indian music section is AWESOME. But seeing all the guys together in one room is really groovy. I think it is one of the best concerts I've ever seen. Its just a fucking spectacular moment in time. by the time Paul hits the stage its just majestic. A music feast. And George’s songs. Wow. George’s songs. Makes you cry.

You know for me, the last year or two hasn’t been easy. In my career I’ve had more success than we ever have before. can’t complain about that. I don't mean it in that way. I mean, its probably obvious to everyone but me. somehow between rise and shine and sleep with you, things changed. Lately for some strange reason people have been bringing up the rise and shine album a lot to me, as if God is trying to remind me of something with that. people pulling it out and playing it for me, or writing to us about it. I heard it the other day, for the first time in a year or two. I got it. I understood I think what it was telling me. you know, when I made rise and shine I made it because I loved music. I loved the songs I was writing at the time. I was very in love with music and with culture. There was no commercial intention behind the album. it was just love and spirit. Somewhere after that, the idea of commercial set in, the idea of our music being a commodity had set in and we were swept off our feet. Commercial was the word of the day. Everyday. Everyone has this attitude about the music business that it is so difficult and you have to work so hard. And there is a tremendous pressure to ‘be commercial.’ To fit in somewhere. When we made rise and shine it was obvious to everyone that we didn't fit in anywhere. But we were cool with that. I didn't care because I was so happy doing what we did. Then that changed. You know, you start listening to the mainstream ‘powers that be’ and you start second guessing yourself a bit I guess. I started caring about the commercial aspects of what we did. I think that comes through in sleep with you. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. sleep with you has far outsold rise and shine already, so that's a marvelous thing. but it did something else to me. you know, it kind of overtook me. it wasn't until this week—these two or three marvelous events: reconnecting with Juliet and her soulful radiating spirit coming in to remind me that life is good, life is beautiful Fishy she reminds with every line, as if I don't remember that and need to be reminded of it all of a sudden; and then all these reminders coming in about the rise and shine album and listening to it again for the first time; and then of course, seeing this concert for George. Remembering what it is all about. Seeing that this will be the last diary entry of Fishy, I don't mind writing this. But it has been very hard to balance the artist and dreamer in me with the ambitious rock star who wants this massive success. I haven't been happy in a year or more, largely because of this struggle. When I would joke that the ambassador was dead, you know, there was some truth to it. I just couldn’t find him within me anywhere. The truth is that the ambassador just doesn’t give a shit about the commercial potential of any of this. And that's a part of me. a big part. I just don't care about that half as much as I should. Or half as much as I tell myself I should. But another part of me cares tremendously. Its all I think about sometimes. I can feel the death all around me. for months now. Ever since the return from Europe this autumn. I have been a dead man walking. I have done my absolute best to hide it and deny it. but I am no longer here. my body is. but my heart isn't in it. hasn’t been for months. The level of bullshit and pretense in the music biz is just tremendous. And for me, and maybe this is just me, its become an unbearable burden to bear. The lust for success and the competitiveness. My thing has always been traveling and studying and learning and turning that into song when I could. I just want to record my albums and perform concerts when I can. I mean that's what I signed up for. But all the in-between bullshit, the day to day of it... it is crushing the very thing within me which it is supposed to be supporting. My soul feels as if it is caving in from the pressure of it all. you know that when i was making rise and shine I was very very happy, and I will never forget reading this one music editor in a letter to our publicist who said that “Fishy is a great guy, but I feel that this album is too good-vibey and too touchy feely positive message for my tastes so I'm not going to review it, rather than trashing it.” That was the beginning. I read it over and over again. I didn't get it. I didn't get why she didn't get it. and since then... the bigger we get the harder it gets to find the spirit radiating within me for the pure joy of music that I once felt. The success pressure kind of ruins that. But you know, I don't want it to. I love the music too much. There is so much more that I want to do. cannot wait to begin this new harder-edged album we have been rehearsing. And after that I would like to dive deeper into African and Indian music more and create a follow-up to rise and shine. deeper. I feel that I am at a crossroads with it though, with the struggle between the pure art of it and the commerce aspect of it. I pray everyday for the understanding and for the balance. I was all ready to move to New York and sort of begin anew and then these tours came about. which is an amazing thing for us. so I'm going to stick around and get the band ready for them. and I'm going to give it my all. I promise that. We owe it to ourselves. And to the fans. And to the huge organization of people that have sprung up around us. but something must change. I am not sure exactly what it is. but something... I am sure it is within me. an attitude. An understanding. so when it is said that Fishy dies, its not a murder or anything like that, like I thought it might be. It’s voluntary. Its just the passing of the spirit to another. I know it sounds strange. Killing yourself off to find yourself. But I don't think I have a choice in it. I probably should have done it months ago.

4-14-04

I received a letter from Juliet. A hand written letter. And a few bags of tea she throws in there... what it feels like is God sending me all these different souls at this time. Traversing the maze of her handwriting a challenge indeed... to capture the meaning sometimes... sixteen pages is how many typed? Cannot remember now. Hadn’t written a letter in years outside of business or email, but we have been writing letters and it’s a fun and groovy thing. long distance table tennis. She wallops one back to me this time, just huge. Giant ... bam! I read a few pages a day, to savor it. I'm in the bathtub reading one. Perhaps just wasn't prepared for it. Juliet is so intelligent and wise and evolved.... so there... wasn't prepared for the emotional impact it would have on me. Immersed in lavender bubbles and water. Deciphering the hieroglyphics to obtain the ideas... certain sentences... certain passages carrying me off into some other place in my mind and in my heart. very meaningful. ‘This is lifetime important, this reconnection of ours,’ I think. This is something very important. To get to know Juliet now, after all these years, as if I really ever knew her before, which I would dare say I didn't; only enough to set up what is transpiring now. Our past encounters rather insignificant. I think to myself, ‘do present significant connections with others minimize past or other present connections we have with different people?’ I don't think so. I think we’re big enough to hold them all. How many friends can a person have? Tens? Hundreds? Thousands?

[advantage of email over letters through mail is that you can respond immediately. Advantage of letters through mail over email is that you can respond immediately with email.... lol. But seriously, email is great in that you can respond to each thing a person says just by replying directly beneath whatever they have written or asked. With letters you have to sit there and remember or make note of each question or item that you wish to respond to. this is very inconvenient and troublesome. But the problem with email is that in general they don't have the air of importance or profundity that a letter still carries. The tendency is to brush them off quickly, read them, quick response, or no response at all even, and then off to the next... a lot of the depth of connection seems to get lost in the immediacy. Like television compared to film in that respect.]

Couldn’t quite grasp why it felt so important, her letters, and this reconnection. Juliet is happily coupled and childfull, so it isn't as if she is my future wife or something like that... [something occurs to me there. that if we were gay, then we could relate to the opposite sex from such a different perspective, free from the sexual or romantic angle. Just see them as they are as a person like we do with the same sex now... take it deeper.... like when I meet a guy who I think is cool, I don't start questioning it or wondering what it is. I just think, ‘that guy is fucking cool. or smart, or funny, or whatever.’ and that's the end of that. But when we are straight and we do meet someone of the opposite sex a lot of other things come into play in our minds. Beneath the surface. Bubbles. Preconceptions. Subconscious particles that are beyond present awareness that trigger certain reactions in us... Can I get beyond it? see past it? view women as purely other beings that are here. Like you would a dog or a cat or a child or another man?]

[o.k. I took this further over the last few weeks, went deeper, and the truth is that it does even go beyond the opposite sex. so my theory on ‘what if we were gay—then it wouldn’t be there’ isn't going to fly. Because how often do we notice ourselves being attracted to someone of the same sex every now and then? So that happens as well... I believe it is our desire for some kind of ‘ultimate connection’ to a person, something deeper than just talking or hanging out...we want to bond with them, and as we are programmed now, sexual connection seems like the deepest bond we can come up with. Consciously we know this isn't true. with experience we know this isn't true. [this is for men, but many of us are dogs who would sleep with women we wouldn’t even talk to or eat a meal with just because we want to sleep with them for some crazy reason. And that's not a deep connection type of a thing, but just a glitch in our circuitry. We just want the rush.] But time has told that there are ways of getting these deep connections with other people that can last an entire lifetime that don't have anything to do with sex. just good old fashioned long term friendships... but still, under the surface, one does feel this desire to bond in a romantic or sexual way sometimes. For me, I spent some time ‘processing’ through it some time ago. so it wasn't so ‘on automatic.’ So now it is something I can just observe, rather than fall victim to.]

Perhaps it isn't so important to break it down. The impact itself is what is important. Waves of emotion and insight from what she writes at times. feels like an honor to know her, a privilege to read her. I am immersed in the bath water, tears inside when I read about the birth of her daughter, there is this passage: “Athena was born at home on the floor surrounded by 10 close friends, lots of delicious food, guitars, and candles burning. She came out with eyes wide open and a deep sigh—no crying—perfectly clean—nursed right away and looked me in the eye, grabbed my chin and smiled at me with her eyes full of universe.” At this I let out a huge cry of relief of some kind. Don't know why. Perhaps just from the sheer beauty of the passage. it was in reading this by someone I know, someone I know exists in the world, it was a reassurance... people like this exist in the world. I thought it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever read. picturing it in my mind. I imagined myself there... I imagined myself the father... why? don't know. just went with it. observed the idea appear in consciousness. Ah there's my beautiful wife on the floor having the baby. I will give them everything they could want. I will nurture and protect and smother them with love and caring and everything and anything they want. ... snap back... I remember they are hippies... they don't ‘want’ anything. They have everything they want right there at home. They even grow their own food... the one thing they would want you could not give them... to stay home and just be there all the time with them... God is that true? Could that be true? Nah, that's not true. its not going to matter; when its right its right. remembered bono announcing the night we saw him in Miami or phoenix or boston , don't remember, the birth of his fourth child right that very second, and he was five thousand miles away... could I find a girl who that's going to be o.k. with? I'm sure I will. O.k. enough about me. This is Juliet's stage... this is her play.

Thought it was one of the most profound things I had ever read. so this exists. people like this exist. Like Maddie. Like the King. Like Little Tree. Many actually. Like Bas. someone this pure and beautiful and honest. But in Juliet it is something different because when I read her it is as if I am reading myself. I understand what she is saying so purely that... I am in shock that someone thinks so much like I do. Liberated from societal constraints, fully evolved to the outermost limits in their thought. Dangerous, specious. They are words coming to me that I knew would already come to me. they are the culmination of lifetimes spiraling into this lifetime in this moment, whispering that I knew all along. Reassuring because I know the person perhaps. Calm and sometimes hurricane-like reassurances are shooting through me that we are not crazy in our pureness of heart and our razor-like will to make the world a better place. I felt so happy to read every line she had taken the time to write to me.

Our lives are very different right now. me and the boys. All the talk is always about money, and success, and fame, and style, and technology, and success, hit songs, and radio, and TV, and video, movies, other stars, other bands, other people’s money, other peoples girlfriends wives husbands producers press agents pimps and stylists. all day long it’s the phone and the computer screen... “with another 20 adds we’re going to jump to medium markets. Can the label swing another $75,000? How's the PR coming? Did you nab AP yet? Can you guys take a gig in phili on the 29th if we fly you there the next morning to meet that rep? Not much money in it but good exposure...” “not much money...” the ubiquitous phrase at our level right now... It’s a crazy thing. It is not of the same earth that Juliet walks. She speaks to me of the vegetables in the garden sprouting. Long time for me since those days... Neither world is either better or worse than the other. I think we need a healthy dose of both. when I am up to my eyes in materialism I crave soul feeding, and when I am up to my eyes in soul-feeding I crave materialism just as much. For me they are both extremely important. But lately it has just been all materialism. I know that is the nature of being a man. Building the empire. But it leaves me feeling empty sometimes. Juliet speaks of lilacs and daffodils blooming in the fields... I close my eyes and try to imagine lilacs and daffodils blooming in a field... all I can see is cars and people and airplanes, guitars, city streets, dark clubs, and computer screens in my minds eye... what does a daffodil even look like?

This is where we need women. They balance us out. without them, I don't think we are much.

Another passage from the letter, in closing, she says: “weaving the enormity of the tasks at hand with the immediacy of the present moment’s participation can be tough---have to laugh with it.” gotta love her. She’s going to hit before any of us do if she just manages to put a hundred pages together.

Current Spin:: Jay Z. love him.

Last screening: les destines. French film. Masterful. Three or four hours long. an absolutely beautiful world is created in the film. Takes me back to my future, or what I would like to see it blossom into. Growing up we used Limoges china. My mother adores it. I never thought about it till I got older. China. One can become quite obsessed with it. this film is the story of the Barnery family of Limoges. Watching the history brought me home. Moving, graceful, understated, poetic. As only the French can do, when they try. Still trying to get a hold of the language... for some reason it has not come easy. Can’t understand a fucking word they say.

4-13-04

Good morning dear Juliet...

With your little magic wand and your dancing around the room...

Ah yes the original song/universal lullaby... during the making of the nothing is cohesive album (the newest one about to be released) I felt as though I was in it, inside of it, during the whole writing and recording of that one. I hope that others hear it as well. That's why I sent some of those rough mixes to you. because I was so happy!!! nothing is cohesive is so far the most musical album I have ever made/been a part of. Created entirely from/with a/the love of music. no real reason to make it except for that. we were in love with what we were doing in that moment, in love with music. and with each other.

I sent you a sort of compilation of songs from the last three albums, just some of my favs. With a funny synopsis of each song in the letter. Don't know if I labeled the CD itself, but songs like softening were just FLOWS through me. me just sitting there LOST IN THE FLOW of it. and IF YOUR BABY COULD, ALL THIS IS BEGINNING TO FEEL LIKE AN ENDING, VERONICA was another, (this song is about to be released nationally as a single--scary) just FLOW, feels like ME AND GOD/GODDESS SECRETLY WORKING TOGETHER WITH BIG SMILES ON OUR FACES. Jules that's what it feels like!!! When you're in that flow state and a new song is peeking its head out of the womb in your mind. Your heart beats faster and blushes, mind starts racing, I get giddy like a little kid, running around the house, looking for a tape recorder or a guitar or running to the piano, jumping up and screaming 'holy shit holy shit! Do you hear that fucking new song?! Oh my God! oh my God!'

You get lost for a while in it. and then when I come out of it, maybe upon waking the next day, go back and play the song and ... wow, that really is nice isn't it... its almost like being drunk or something. gone into another world. When songwriting is flow, that's what it feels like.

Perhaps according to your ancient folklore, all songs come from this one ‘original song,’ the ‘universal lullaby...’ [wow goose-bumps] and that's what we are trying to do when we are writing songs, one after the other, trying to capture a piece of that one original song that we remember from when we were in the womb ourselves... you know that's what it feels like in a way. That’s a nice idea. Trying to get/stay closer to God/Spirit.

--------------------------------------------

Last opera of the season tonight. Turandot, Puccini’s unfinished last great one. Jazz was late—I was of course incensed. Explaining to her that I almost always go alone. Maybe once a year I will bring a date. “You just sit here by yourself in these two seats?” “For years. Yes. It’s the only place I can get a really good sleep these days.” we laugh, but I explain that Its just a very sacred thing to me. Better to go alone than to bring someone who isn't going to increase the pleasure of it, or worse, not understand the sacredness of it, or appreciate it. There's like one in ten million people who can sing opera. Probably a lot fewer than that. so its just an amazing thing to behold. Few people can understand it. So I spend some time screaming like a madman. She had never seen this side of me before. “you're crazy. this is why I will never be in a relationship with you.” “I didn't ask you to be in relationship with me! I asked you to go to a fucking opera! Is someone dead?!” “No. why?” “Well then how the fuck can you be late?!” She says I am frightening her. I tell her that it is just the nature of the artist; don't be frightened. Artists scream. That's what we do. I haven't performed in a few weeks. I get like this if I don't perform for a while. Need to let it out of my system, or I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself. She promises to speak French the whole time to make up for it. Drunk on Champaign, chocolate, and Puccini. The Nessun Dorma was pretty bad. The guy just didn't have it going on. Although it was nice to see it finally in its proper setting. Never had heard it live before.

The whole evening made my heart long to meet a girl with the grace and presence of mind to understand that it is as uncivilized to arrive late to an opera as it is to show up on-time to anything else. Where the hell are you my angel, my queen, my princess, my light? I am tired of waiting. When we meet I am going to bow down at your feet and worship you for an eternity like you’ve never been worshipped. I am going to compose great symphonies in your honor and sing you songs of love and joy and devotion and make you laugh like crazy till we are both resting in our graves. “Principesa, come to me Principesa....”

[taming the animal: there was this moment when we were getting seated... some people were sitting in my seats. Because I sit in the same seats every year I was very rude, short, and snippy about the whole thing (is snippy a word?). I didn't even care to listen to the intruder’s explanations or bother to look at their tickets that they were trying to show me. I was actually on my phone and just demanded that they move so we could sit down... they finally did figure out what was going on and realized that they were indeed in the wrong seats. So they moved. But about five minutes later I just had this overwhelming feeling of what a bastard I was. So I leaned over and apologized to them. “You know I was just so terribly rude. I am very sorry. Pardon me.” it made all the difference in the world. And I am sure we all enjoyed the ensuing performance that much more because I acknowledged that and spoke up, rather than continuing to defend my bad behavior in my own mind. Its like sometimes you just have to accept that as humans we can be dogs and just totally misbehave. We have to get used to the idea of correcting ourselves just like we would our pets or children. I don't think all of us are like that. I know some people who were just born with good manners and grace. Unfortunately I was not one of them. sometimes when I am in line at a store or restaurant and just want what I want when I want it and I have found that I was short and impatient with the people who helped me, I walk myself all the way back to the store, even if it’s a long walk, and go say thank you with a big smile. Its like training a dog is what it feels like. I'm like, “Fishy, turn the hell around you animal and go say thank you to those people....”]

Woke up this morning obsessively watching the three tenors live DVDs skipping to Pavarotti singing nessun dorma. He really does do it fantastically. I mean, its not a myth or anything. He owns the song now. Breathtaking everytime. I study the sheet music in front me and listen and watch him sing. I rewind over and over again, listening, reading, studying. I have been trying to capture this song for two years now. Michael Bolton does it now, and actually does a very impressive version. But luciano takes it all the way home like no other. Just nails it.

Had the realization that men DO HAVE a biological clock. Perhaps science hasn’t yet discovered it yet. [remember that it wasn't until the 1980’s that they started realizing that men also go through a sort of menopausal state (they call it a midlife crisis). I believe that men also feel some kind of hormonal pull in their system as they get older like the infamous biological clock that is spoken about with women. Talking to jazz the other night about what it feels like... this shift inside from being the happy go lucky artist who is content to live in complete poverty and squalor just so you can keep creating, to slowly feeling a shift over the years towards an almost near obsessive desire for empire building, safety, and security for myself and my family. One minute you are quite happy to be the lone adventurer eagerly throwing your arms around the entire world, and in the next you find yourself longing to find the ONE and begin pro-creating and making a family. For years all I cared about was the next song, the next novel, the next diary passage, the next screenplay, the next album... and now I notice that these involuntary life-long obsessions are accompanied by a very strong impulse to question “how will this make me money?” when you are a young artist you just never even think about things like that. as you get older, you cannot help it. has to be hormonal in some way.

4-12

Hung out with the Brown Bear tonight. A brilliant night. Jammed on guitars for hours and then went to dinner. Just total normal guy talk. Girls, relationships, money, savings, music, all that. Such an important friend to me. Came home and jammed more. and then outside to smoke some Hemmingways. This is classic Brown Bear and one of the many things that makes him so lovable. He just gets done telling me how he and his wife are over $85,000 in credit card debt and how he has to do something to get out of it. and five minutes later he is saying, “Man I got about $1000 from my birthday that is just burning a hole in my pocket. Fishy what do you think I should buy? What guitar would you recommend?” The guy is a classic. I feel lucky to know him.

I told him we were only getting $30,000 for our tour in Europe and how hard it was to budget. He’s like ‘bro, we just spent three hours jamming and didn't get paid a fucking dime. And you guys get paid to do that? Shut the fuck up Fishy and enjoy it, would ya?” Great night. Love him like a brother.

4-11-04

One of those days where everything just seems to go right. certainly we’re on a high from the upcoming tours and the release of NIC. But today was something special. You know, I was in the bath... and I just had this realization [reminds me to finish the Bathtub Revelations—remember that series... I never did finish that...] that I could stop all the thinking. there I was sitting there, groggy and slant-eyed, nursing an espresso, my mind racing a hundred miles an hour as usual. Trying to figure it all out. figure it all out. figure it all out. and then I just sat up and felt this knowing. Just like, o.k. its time to stop. There's nothing to figure out here. we’re there. we’re just totally there already. We’ve done the work. We have the tools. We’ve paid the dues. Just let it go bro and move on. So all day I'm on this high. Just enjoying the day. enjoying the wins. Enjoying the goals achieved rather than obsessing on the goals not yet achieved. For one brief moment of a few hours in time I was allowing myself to feel that ‘everything’s alright.’ Is it really all in our attitude? In the way that we look at it? could it be that easy?

I'm in my car. In the parking lot of some plaza. Top down. Talking on the phone. I can see some old guy walking up behind me. he's staring at the back of my car. I have a few stickers on the bumper. He's probably going to start speaking to me in Italian since I have an Italy sticker on there. He comes up to my door and says “what kind of a revolution?” he is referring to the sticker that says “Stop bitching and start a revolution.” I heard him the first time, but I ask “what” by obligation. (why do we always do that?) He has a strong Spanish accent. We start speaking in Spanglish. He in English and me in Spanish. Better that way. when in doubt we switch. “where are you from? I ask. I am American but my family is from Cuba. Miami is the only city in America where someone can be born here but still speak with such a strong accent that you cannot understand what they are saying... “what kind of a revolution?” he asks again. “Depends on the situation, I guess.” I respond. “I'll tell you this.”? he says. “I tell my children, if this country doesn’t make a one hundred and eighty degree turn soon, its going to be complete chaos.” “yep.” Is all I say. I think he’s one of us. But here's the deal. I continue listening to him and pretty soon I realize that he's basically touting a republican agenda. “people don't realize what the world is like in other countries. Like Cuba. Over there they have an extreme dictatorship. Here we have an extreme democracy.” I keep listening. “the country is going downhill fast I'm afraid.” he tells me. I agree with him but for completely opposite reasons. Fascinating. He starts going on about same sex marriages. “How can these people think that marriage is anything but between a man and wife?” I am respectful. I just say, “yeah.” I agree that the country needs help and needs a one hundred and eighty degree turn but in the opposite direction than he does. Anything but equal rights for same sex marriages is an abominable idea I think. Marriage solely being between a man and a woman is such an archaic idea. So here we are... chatting in a parking lot with an immediate and mutual simpatico; but just completely different agendas. I found it uncanny. Good guy I'm thinking. but how can he be so off base? Maybe its me who’s off base... “How old do you think I am he asks me?” “I don't know, maybe 65,” I answer. “I'm 77 years old” he says. And he makes a muscle with his bicep and throws it in my face to feel it. I feel his muscle out of respect. Wow. Strong. I say. Reminded me of my grandfather. He always used to do the same thing right up until he passed on. “we need to swing away from this extreme democracy” he tells me. “obtain more balance in the country. You know what happened to Rome?” he asks me. we talk some more. I don't tell him what kind of revolution I'm thinking of for the country. he’d probably have a heart attack. Extreme democracy? I'm thinking. I think we’re close to a goddamned dictatorship at this point. We need more democracy. Funny. I took this encounter as a reminder. Of what I have no fucking clue.

4-10-04

Easter Sunday. In the morning Bas says to me, “You know the Bunny died for you? So you could sit there and type on that laptop of yours and play your guitar all day?” “What? You don't think I know that man?” No seriously, happy birthday Easter bunny. Or something like that. I still don't know if I totally believe the whole thing about the baby Jesus being born in an egg and the pack of wild Easter bunnies finding him and raising him in the woods and all that. and then him supposedly being carried across the red sea from Egypt to Israel on that cross... with all these bunnies swimming along side of him all that way? I don't know how we are supposed to believe that all these Easter bunnies could swim that far. But I guess that's why they call it Passover....

Good brunch today with friends back in Miami. Conversation centered around prostitution. I mean, what else are you going to talk about on Easter Sunday? Good clean business transaction? Or some sort of evil dangerous thing that can mess you up for years? Is the stigma attached to it just because its illegal? Or is it really a “bad thing” for the customer and the woman as well? Bad for everyone’s soul in some unexplainable way? A charged subject indeed.

The Ferret and the tortoise are your typical single guys. They’ll spend five hours in a club talking to a group of girls and you won't hear one bit of truth or anything of substance come out of their mouths. Its all just jokes and bs. Just tying to impress the girls or make them laugh. Buying them drinks and all this other crap in the hopes that they can take them home and sleep with them. I've never been too good at this. I usually like the more direct approach. I have spent many a drunken night in the car over the years hearing the Ferret scream at me “why the hell are you leaving?! That girl likes you man!” “dude I couldn’t even have a conversation with her.” “Duuuuuude, you're not supposed to have a conversation with her. you're supposed to just nail her. what's wrong with you?!” “But Duuuuuude don't you get it?! we just spent an hour having a conversation with those girls. And that was enough. It was boring as hell....” “But dude that's step one from your infamous book, ‘how to bag a babe in five easy steps,’ be funny, just talk shit, never be serious until you get them to your house! remember!” “I said that?” “Duuuhhh! C'mon man lets go back in there!” “Dude I said that when we were like what? 21! we were in college. this is different.” “Dude trust me. I still use those techniques and they work like magic.” “You know what bro? I'm sure they do. and I am honored by your reference to my jaded past, but we’re not in college anymore. I'm looking for number one now. and I'm not going to find her in this fucking club talking shit.” “Well you know what man? You said the same thing seven years ago and you found Cleopatra and where the fuck did that get you?! huh?! Huh?! Answer me that one! girls suck man. C'mon lets go back in.”

So I offer up at the brunch table, “you know, for arguments sake, what's the difference between a guy spending five hours and a hundred bucks at a club making small talk with a bunch of girls he doesn’t even really like in order to take them home for a night of unbridled casual sex, and another guy casually picking up the phone, calling a service, ordering the girl of his dreams to come over for an hour and spending a little more than that same amount? To me that sounds like a clean transaction. No fuss, no muss, no bs. Just clean unadulterated business.” “I can’t believe you're calling sleeping with a prostitute a clean business transaction!” Bas yells and slams his hand down on the table. “My girlfriend called a male gigolo to come over once. He gave her a massage and then he had sex with her and she said it was the best $200 she ever spent,” offered Amanda. “Nice. Listen tell your friend I'll do it for a hundred” the Ferret says. “If she's hot. “One-fifty if she's not.” Laughs. “I can’t believe you think that some prostitute is the girl of your dreams man! What's happening to you?” Bas shouts. “What next?! You're going to start taking these hoes to the opera with you?!” “Dude have you seen the babes you can buy now? They’re fucking hot,” the tortoise says while downing his cup of coffee. “I'd do it.” “Well Fishy’s done it with every prostitute from here to China. Ask him about it.” “Fishy, why would you ever have to use a prostitute? What about all the groupies you guys get?” “Can’t do it that way man. That would be cheating on my future wife.” “What?” the tortoise spits out his coffee across the table. “That is so gross...” the Ferret yells looking up from his paper for a brief moment. “Why do you have to do that?!” “Hey I thought that was a pretty cool Jack Tripper moment man. Relax will ya?” Fishy thinks that sleeping with a girl he isn't going to marry ‘cheating on his future wife’ but that sleeping with a prostitute isn't.” “you're a sick man.” “Well I'll take that as a compliment man. But seriously, its all probably cheating at this point. I mean...” “How can you call it cheating if you're not married? That's twisted!” “Well you know when you know man. You know if you meet a girl and you don't want to marry her, so what are you doing sleeping with her?” Ferret looks up from his paper, “Uh its called having sex! what's wrong with you?” “Look man, I'm not claiming to know anything that you guys don't. I'm just saying that it feels cleaner. In spirit at least, if not in the flesh.” “You're so fucking philosophical Fishy. I know I'm not going to pay some ho to sleep with her when I can just pick them up at a club. That's for sure. If I was in your shoes and I had all those chicks after me, I'd be doing all of them every chance I got,” tortoise and Bas high five. “You can say that again.” “I hear ya. Maybe you're right. maybe its just a time thing. don't want to waste the time talking to some girl, getting to know her, if I don't have to.... I don't know. but that gets tired after a while. I have a lot of respect for you guys and your ability to put up with all that. but I just can’t anymore...”

Later that day...

We’re at Madelynne O’Ryan’s mom’s house today as with all holidays when we’re lucky enough to be home. Maddie is down for the weekend with her new baby. I feel so lucky to be a part of this family for so long now. they’ve been my home away from home and second family for so long now. sitting on the dock by the intra-coastal watching the lights bounce off of the water. Boats sway gently. Fucking kids are running around everywhere. I'm thinking since when are we not the kids? I mean who the fuck are all these kids anyway? It seems like just yesterday that we were the kids of the house sneaking around the back to smoke out or guzzle a beer... and now we’re supposed to be grownups... crazy...

So were on the dock and I'm hanging with the big kahuna and maddies older bro. Man I've known these guys forever. he's still chewing. And we’re discussing the finer points between chewing and cigars. Everyone agrees cigarettes are out. but which is better? Chew? Or cigars. Well they had me on the chew. It doesn’t smell as bad as a cigar and it doesn’t fuck up your lungs... but that whole thing with the chew getting in your teeth and floating around your mouth like that... I suppose one could just go tobacco free... but would life really have any meaning if you just didn't use any tobacco at all? lol. But I warn you now. with these tours coming up, I'm going to have to stop smoking cigars again to get my stamina back so if you see me spitting a lot on stage just assume I started chewing. The good news is that my vocals will be kick ass, but chances are I will look like I have a bunch of dirt in my mouth.

God these people are good, I think as I'm sitting at the kitchen table eating some homemade chicken soup that Mrs. O'Ryan made. Treated me so well for so long. Like part of the family.

Received an Easter basket in the mail from mum as always. No matter where I am, I always get an Easter basket from her. Like clockwork. Love you mom.

Have you ever noticed that there are people who, when in conversation, speak as if they are not really speaking to you, but more just to themselves? They don't look at you when they speak, only occasionally. I wonder what is happening there.

Jazz says “God I wish I could be a guy one time. Just so I could know what it felt like to want me so bad.”

Current Spin: Sinatra at the sands hotel in ’65 with count Basie orchestra and Quincy Jones conducting. Modest concert, not my favorite. This was the beginning of his cheesy drinking gambling Mafioso street fighting tough guy act. At the time and for thirty years my great uncle was the musical director at the Sands. This is how we were introduced to the American crooners, Sinatra and Dean, Sammy and Tony Bennett and Perry Como and so many more, through his stories over the holidays. One cannot say that I came upon music by chance I guess. Perhaps there is something to it being in the blood. I cannot say for sure. Is art in the blood? Is it fate? Or is it just learned? Or a combination of all of it mixed together? if I had to commit myself I would say that what it feels like is more of a soul thing... and if it happens to be in the blood then maybe it makes it all the better... but it certainly doesn’t need to be.

Last screening: jersey girl. This is a really really really bad movie. Kevin smith we will assume is in a transition period. lets call it that....

4-9-04

European tour just announced. Really good news. we’re all very excited. Eight cities in six weeks.

Do you wonder about meant to be? if a letter arrives two weeks late, was it meant to be? Or is it just a terribly slow and incapable post office? I tend not to be a meant to be kind of person myself, although I know a lot of people who are.

In what could quite possibly be one of the weirdest creepiest things of all time, a true sign of the decline of the great empire right up there with public dwarf tossing and people getting married for money on TV, someone is on the Internet dressed up like a chicken and you can type things in and he will do whatever you ask him to. Are there like hundreds of chickens out there? how do they do that? tape loops? I just don't get it... one of the great mysteries of the universe. And what if someone asks the chicken to do something really gross or nasty? Then what? I know I'm not going to because that chicken scares the shit out of me. Check it out: http://www.subservientchicken.com <http://www.subservientchicken.com/>

4-8-04

Meeting with new press agents in Boston, MA. At one point she asks me, ‘is anyone in the band gay? It will help get you get more coverage in the gay publications.” “well I have been called a lesbian before...” “Really?” “Well yeah, you know, because I like girls and all...” “Bill what's he talking about?” “I mean, not sexually or anything, not yet anyway, but I do get my nails done.” “Well that's good for a start.” “Oh, yeah, and I did have sex with my dance teacher once... but we were pretty drunk.” “O.K., but you're not gay?” “Well no, I mean you can’t let not being gay get in the way of doing somebody you’re into, you know?” “Uh o.k. bill did you get that?” “Got it.” “That will have to do. What's the deal with the whole ambassador thing now? Which one of your multiple personalities are we promoting? Are you the ambassador? Or are you Fishy?” “Uh, I would say that you are kind of acting as general liaison for all of us...” “Who is all of us?” “Umm, you know, for the ambassador for sure, and for Fishy and for the band as well... Depends on who you're talking to I guess.” “Fine. Who the hell is Ed Hale then, who was on the band’s last CD but now has mysteriously disappeared from the band’s name? Is he in the band or out of the band? Was that just a “jethro tull” thing you guys were pulling?” “Like you say, yes that was kind of a ‘jethro tull’ kind of thing. You know, there really was no Ed Hale. But we thought it sounded cool. But yeah, we’re just going to use Transcendence now if that's cool with you guys...” “Hey its your band. We like the idea of course, easier that way. Has a ring to it. What else? Anything else we can use? You doing any marches or protests soon? Those are always good.... gay rights is big these days. You doing any gay rights stuff soon?” “Not that I can think of... not off of the top of my head. Why what’ve you got?” “We’ll think of something and let you know. And listen Fishy, can you stop with the political rants in your diaries for now, if you can. o.k.? They’re not helping. We’re not going to receive the kind of crossover appeal we need to push this mass market if you’re alienating half the population out of the gate.” “Well what if I can’t help it? I mean isn't that the whole idea of it?” “Of what? I'm not sure I know what you're saying. Bill what's he saying?” ”Don't know. Fishy what are you saying?” “I'm just saying, isn't that the whole idea of us doing all of this, so we can get the message out?” “Fishy, this is about your band’s music. That’s what this is about. Why does every rock star have to be a politician? Can’t you just play music?” “But didn't you just tell me to be in more marches a second ago?” “Yes but that's totally different. Hey, marches are great PR, don't get us wrong, but you're not supposed to actually say anything, and these insane political ramblings in those diaries of yours. What are you trying to do? Get yourself killed?” “I'm just trying to tell it like I see it... you know. But if I do get myself killed that would be good PR wouldn’t it?” “O.k. you're insane. Bill I told you he was insane.” “Nah I was just kidding. Sort of. Anyway...” “Frankly I think you should stop them all together. Just leave it to the imagination.” “What? Stop the diaries?” “Bill what do you think?” “It could be a good thing. Let it simmer for a while. Build the story, rather than writing it.” “I couldn’t have said it better myself. Fishy what do you think? Can you stop them for a while? Just stop publishing them maybe?” “I don't know. Can I think about it? Do you guys have any cool grocery stores here? I gotta take a walk. I'll let you know about all this...” “That's it Fishy? Where are you going?” “I told you. I'm going to a grocery store. I gotta think.”

Off into the crisp Boston air. It is true. I have become slightly obsessed with grocery stores lately. My job is insane. This whole thing is insane and nothing calms me down and brings me back down to earth like walking around a grocery store. So I'm supposed to stop with the diaries for a while... wow... that's some heavy shit. I'm sick of Fishy anyway. He wasn't supposed to last this long. I know that. But still.... I got into the limo and made my way to a local grocery store to have a walk around. See what the beautiful city of Boston had in the way of grocery stores. You can always get a good sampling of a city’s women by heading to their grocery store. Chose star supermarket. Spent most of the time trying to locate a few Starbucks double shots for the morning flight out. On my way to the beverage aisle I spotted many beauties with baskets strolling casually down the aisles. Women in Boston... some of them breathtaking. That whole New England vibe, with the scarf around the neck thing... classic. Very American white bread. I found a bag of sugar and for no real reason decided that I would attempt to balance the bag on my head while I walked around. I'm not sure why. but it was fun. I figured that if I saw the ONE and I had this bag of sugar balancing on my head while I was walking around and she saw me she would immediately know it was me. found a few double shots and headed for the bakery department. There I would charm the ladies behind the counter and get to sample a whole host of cookies, cakes, and tarts.

So I'm standing there eating all these little cookies and pies and making small talk with one of the little ladies behind the counter and she starts emptying the trays of pastries into big garbage cans while I'm sampling some chocolate covered strawberries actually. “Well what the heck are you doing there?” I ask. She says “throwing away the expired bread products. “ “how old are these poor expired bread products?” I ask. “they were made this morning,” She says. “and so you're just throwing them away like that? shouldn’t we be giving them to homeless people or something?” I ask. The garbage cans were getting filled one by one. I couldn’t believe it. “No we can’t do that,” she says. “against store policy.” “well hey I wouldn’t mind taking them and distributing them to the homeless hungry people myself. Do you guys have homeless people here in Boston?” I ask. “Yes thousands. but you can’t do that.” “why not” “we could get sued.” “well then I won't tell anyone where I got them from.” “sir you'll have to speak with the manager...”

so off I go to the main counter to speak with the manager. I ask the lady behind the counter for the manager. She calls the guy and they are speaking. pointing to me. probably saying something like ‘you mean that guy standing over there with the bag of sugar on his head? What the hell does he want?’ But we end up having a good conversation. But there was no way I could talk him into letting me walk out of there with all these garbage cans filled with expired pastries. It was nuts. He said its too risky. You give a homeless guy a free pastry and two months later you get sued because he says he got sick because he knows they are expired. “But couldn’t I buy a pastry now before it gets thrown into the garbage. I mean they’re still good right? couldn’t I buy all of those pastries if I wanted to?: “Yes you could. You could certainly do that sir.” “So why would anyone entertain a law suit about a product that is still fresh enough to be purchased?” “People are law-suit happy in America. Don't ask me. But it is against store policy. I know that much. Can’t tell you more than that. Can I ask you a question?” “Yeah sure.” “Are you that singer? Lisa over there,” he points to behind the counter, “says you are...” I look over at Lisa who is staring at us smiling from ear to ear. Forefinger point, thumb down? Forefinger point, thumb up six shooter style? The Fonz? Conservative wave? (after all we are in Boston) Peace sign? I decide on the horizontal love sign, two middle fingers in, pinky, thumb, and forefinger out. I flash it in her direction with a reciprocal smile.

“So what brings you to town? You guys have a show?” “PR meeting.” “Oh yeah. Yeah. Hey can I ask you another question? If you don't mind?” “Yeah sure.” “Why do you have that bag of sugar balanced on your head?” “Oh that? Sorry. I forgot about that. that's funny. Hey good for you. that's some serious management etiquette there. not to mention that to a potentially disgruntled customer that they have one of your bags of sugar on their head. Impressive. I just figured I might meet a girl that way.” “With a bag of sugar on your head?” he looks at me perplexed. “Well you gotta figure, if a girl is cool enough to pick you up or even speak with you when you're walking around with a bag of sugar balanced on your head in a grocery store, that's probably a pretty cool girl, you know?” “Yeah, I see what you're saying. I'll have to try that sometime.” “Well I don't know. it doesn’t look like it worked for me, so don't take my word for it... Hey now its my turn to ask you a question.” “What is it?” “Give me a garbage bag.” I smile at him, Cheshire cat style. “That didn't sound like a question. What do you want with a garbage bag?” “You know what I mean. Just give me one.” I smile. “filled with pastries and everything. I'll go to the back of the store.” He looks at me and smiles. “I could lose my job over...” I smile. “O.k. fine. Go outside and walk around to the back of the store. I'll meet you. It was good meeting you.” “Good meeting you too.” we shook hands and I bailed.

I head out to the front. “Hodges, we’re going to the back of the store.” “Find everything that you were looking for boss?” Hodges asks. “Yep. But we have to head around the back of the store for a sec. I gotta pick something up.” I grab a mammoth white garbage bag full of pastries and other assorted expired bread products. Throw it in the back of the limo and hop in the front. “Alright Hodges. We’re cool. Lets go to where all the homeless people live?” “Well theoretically Fishy, homeless people don't live anywhere.” I laugh. “O.k. I know that. But lets go to where they sleep and hang out then. It’ll take five minutes.” We drive. We pass out pastries to black hooded zombies and hunched over winos. “Life is sad” I think as my eyes meet some of theirs. Lost, dazed, confused, desperate. But then I reflect on what we’re doing here in the moment and I think, “but life can be good.” I am feeling God right now. In this action. I look up to God and smile and say ‘thank you.’ I look over at Hodges who is also passing out pastries to a herd of five or so people huddled around him. Shoving them in their pockets with one hand and shoving them into their mouths with the other. “But life can be good....”

In the back of the limo. Tired. Window rolls down. “Boss. You sleeping?” “no Hodges. I'm still awake. Good times huh?” “Yeah. Good times. That's what I was thinking. Its good to be back.” “Its good to have you back Hodges.” “Boss.” “Yeah.” “What happened anyway? Where have I been?” Good question. Almost three years have passed with no mention of Hodges my limo driver in the diaries. “Hodges. I gotta be honest. It wasn't you who disappeared. I just stopped writing myself in the limo.” “Why? You love riding in the limo kid.” “I know, I know. I don't know what happened. I think I was trying to find myself. I became a normal person for a while. ever since Cleopatra...” “I heard about that. I read about it. Tough ride there kid.” “Yeah. I just didn't see it coming. You know Hodges, I never even wrote her into the story. There never was a Cleopatra. so when she came along, I don't know, I just stopped writing all together. I made notes though.” “Good stories coming up kid?” “Yes I believe so. Definitely.” “Good to hear kid. did you find yourself? Since I was gone?” “I don't know yet Hodges. That's a good question though. I'm somewhere between me and Tobias now.” “You and Tobias? “Yeah I guess...” “Isn't he that character from the other book you're writing?” “Yeah, he was. But things have changed a bit since you were in the story. It turns out that he is not just a character. He's real. Like you and me.” “Well I’ll be goddamned. But what's that have to do with you kid? Don't tell me...” “Yeah you guessed it. He's taking over.” So where will you go kid?” “Me? I'll still be here. But I'll be Tobias Guess. Something like that. I don't have it all worked out yet. But don't worry. Tobias likes riding in the limo just as much as I do.” “That's a good thing. I was bored shitless the last three years kid. Sitting on my keester doing nothing. You could have at least giving me a few walk ons or something kid...” “Well I'm sure you’re right. what the fuck did I know Hodges? I didn't know I was writing The Adventures of Fishy. I thought I was writing my own diaries. I just lost track of who I was there for a while. But I'm back now.” “Boss.” “Yeah.” “Next time you decide to stop riding around in the limo, let me know first. Maybe I can find another job or something first.” “yeah that's not a bad idea. Hodges?” “Yeah kid?” “You ever think that if I wasn't writing about us...” “think about it all the time kid. I'm just glad you're back writing about us now. get some sleep kid.” “O.k. thanks. Thanks a lot Hodges.” “Don't mention it kid. Glad to be back.” Window rolls up. The irony. Weeks before I'm about to kill myself off for good, and I bring back Hodges the limo driver, my most faithful and trusted companion...

In the back of the limo, I went online to do a search for grocery stores and I can’t believe that so many other people are as obsessed with them as I am. This is a recent forum I saw with all these thousands of people talking about grocery stores. This is a strange country we live in indeed.

http://www.able2know.com/forums/about14145.html

04-07-04

Somewhere over the air on the way to Boson, MA

Yo what's up dear Dasher?

I received your letter. On a plane headed for Boston and thought I would take a minute to respond. I understand your concerns and I hope that what I offer will be of some slight service. Something came to me this morning dog. so in answer to your questions about what to do and what not to do for your career, here's some off the head babbling... read at your own risk my brother.

As you make your move to your new place. a few things came to my mind to relate to you:

This place is outside the city so its going to be easy to chill more, relax more, lay back more, and read/dream more. BUT DON'T. YOU MUST STAY IN THE ACTION ALL THE TIME RIGHT NOW. SEIZE ALL OPPORTUNITIES THAT COME YOUR WAY. WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW IS BUILDING YOUR NAME. BUILDING THE BRAND KNOWN AS Dasher, the handsome man about town and up and coming actor. That means you have to get that shit out there EVERYWHERE.

With your roommate smoking a lot of weed, the tendency is going to be to smoke and drink and talk and plan things. DO NOT DO THIS. IT IS GOING TO WASTE YOUR TIME. YOU MUST AVOID THIS KIND OF ACTIVITY. PLENTY OF GUYS DO THIS DURING THEIR TWENTIES AND THEN LOOK BACK LATER AND REALIZE THAT THEY FUCKED AWAY SOME GOOD YEARS. SO DON'T DO IT. its fine if other peeps want to do that with their time. but YOU don't want that. I know what you want. And I'm telling you right now, don't even waste your time with it.

I'll tell you a true story my brother: and I hope it gives some clarification for where you are right now just in case you ever need to reflect on this story. When I was 25 I quit doing drugs. Just decided I didn't want to do them anymore. Did more than a fair share as you know and feel damn lucky to be alive. A few pills here and there, no problem, or getting drunk now and then is probably a good thing to do for the mind and the spirit, as you well know, but all other drugs, I said fuck it, especially pot which is the drug of the lazy dreamer with lots of ideas but no resources and no desire to go out and get the resources; or the rich kids with a lot of time on their hands and no ideas in their minds; [there will always be exceptions to all rules, the great God Chaos, but you show me a hundred pot smokers who are rich and kicking ass and one who is poor and always behind the eight ball rather than the other way around and I'll change my tune. You know what I'm saying?] Either way you're fucked if you hang with these types too much. I could see where this was going and I didn’t want to go there myself. I would see my friends sitting around doing drugs or drinking and talking talking taking. Always making plans and talking. while they did their drugs or got drunk. Usually I would bail on those scenes. in the music and art and entertainment business everyone does drugs, drinks, and smokes, so it isn't easy. All around you find reasons to smoke or drink or do drugs. But I knew that if I could create enough strength to quit all that stuff then I would be STRONGER, as opposed to if I continued to do that stuff I would be staying the same. I did it. and yes because of doing it, in order to do it, I became a much stronger man. Its like this. anyone can be a Robert downey jr or a Kurt cobain if you will. the entertainment world is filled with them. some of them lucky and some of them not so lucky. but to be a Robert Redford or a Sting. Now that my friend is a rare commodity indeed.

Now fly ahead a few years. I started meeting people again from my early twenties who never did make the leap. They kept on smoking and drinking and doing drugs and used every excuse in the book for why they were still doing that stuff. what I saw was very depressing. Men who were still not men. People who were only half of what they could be. you know what I have achieved over the last five or six years so there's no need to go over it with you. I left that scene in the dust and never looked back. now bro I'll be honest, it isn't easy sometimes to be this way. when you pull up and jump out of a back of a limo or a Ferrari or whatever and everyone else is still looking for gas money for their beat up Honda or Toyota, sometimes that's hard to feel cool around them. You can feel them judging you in the air. as if you aren't as ‘cool’ because you aren't as poor. It’s a funny thing, that is true. so I'm going to tell you this: DON'T EVER WORRY ABOUT FITTING IN. I feel that potentiality in you sometimes. But don't ever let yourself worry about the success that you want out of life. That's all you and you shouldn’t feel bad for it.

Dasher you’ve got some sick potential. So you have to run with that. and forget about everyone else around you and what they're doing. Go for every single opportunity that comes your way. and celebrate every success you have and when you find people around you doing a lot of talking but not much doing, bail. And go DO SOMETHING. TAKE AN ACTION.

You dig what I'm saying? I wish for you to be the next tom cruise because I would love to take advantage of your wealth and fame!!! Haha! Hope this letter helps. Take it however you want to. Good luck! And kick ass! I believe in you.

Your friend,

Fishy

----------------------------------

Flash forward an hour or so. I put the laptop away. Staring off into the distance of the airplane cabin. Men, women, children. People. We are all people. I am a person. Man reading a newspaper next to me. USA Today. Political news. Grunting. Moaning. Guffawing. “Crazy times,” I comment.

“Indeed,” he answers without looking over at me. “It’s not boding too well over there for you all now...”

“Who’s that?” I ask.

“For the Americans,” he says, “in Iraq. You are an American?”

“I am. In the old fashion sense of the word.”

What do you mean by that?

Well you know. It isn't easy now, being an American. Hard times for us.

Yes, I can imagine. The war certainly has not furthered your cause.

That's for sure. I leaned back in my seat.

I'm Fishy by the way...

My name is Philippe Chevalier.

You are French?

I am French.

I thought I heard French. I'm studying French right now.

So you speak French then?

No. not a bit. I can’t get it. Don't understand a word of it.

I bet it is difficult for you.

It is. So what brings you to America?

I am in international finance.

Never sure what that meant.

Banking. We loan money.

Euro’s up. That must be good for you.

Dollars down. That's not good for anyone.

Except the Chinese. So they can buy more.

So you study economics as well?

I try. I don't think I'm too good at it yet.

What are you good at? What do you do for a living?

I'm a singer, and a songwriter.

Are you famous?

I try to be.

Have you ever had a number one?

I've never even had a number one-hundred. But thanks for reminding me. Laughs.

I'm sure you'll get there.

Hope so. Perhaps if I become a rapper.

That music is very big here in America.

Yes it is. Do you ever listen to rap over there in France?

Honestly I don't understand it. Its not my cup of tea. It seems that all they sing about... It seems to be all about sex and money.

Hey what else is there? Like French film. I laugh.

You make a good point.

Let me ask you a question. If I may.

Go right ahead.

Why is it that in every French film husbands and wives are always having affairs on each other? What is that? Is that really the way it is? he laughs.

So you are a connoisseur of French film?

More of a curious observer I would say.

Well it isn't all French films.

Well nearly all of them. Its crazy how everyone cheats on each other. What is that?

Part of the culture. A very old tradition, part of the European way of life. an important one, he laughs. without that tradition, I'm afraid we would all be very bored. he laughs.

Very different than in America.

Here everyone just gets divorced.

Yes. Laughs. I guess that's true. so you're not a rap connoisseur then?

No I cannot say that I like much rap music. and you?

Yes. I like it very much. Its my favorite music right now. Although I understand what you are saying about their lyrics. The content itself leaves a lot to be desired. Which is too bad. Because I think it’s the most creative stuff happening right now in music.

I've heard that. My kids listen to it.

I'm sure they do. Everyone does now. I think its just where the culture is now. that stuff is important to them. It’s the whole power symbol thing.

You mean the lyrics?

Yeah. Kids can relate to it because what do kids think about? Money and sex. Two things they never have enough of. Laughs. For the American black I think its bigger than that. I think it’s all about power symbols. The symbol of their climb to power over the last few decades in our country.

That's an interesting way to look at it.

You know, sometimes when I break it down... I mean, who is it who talks about money and power? People who don't have money and power. Right?

In the old world, there was an etiquette such as this. I do not believe that it exists much anymore. These are different times. Everyone is a billionaire. Or they die trying to become one.

Yeah. Exactly. And that's my point. People who have lots of money and power don't speak of it, do they. If anything they try to be discreet about it; Donald trump withstanding, but he's the exception.

He seems like a silly man with a big mouth.

That's what you all think?

That's what I think. I can’t speak for anyone else.

He's a cowboy. I've met him a few times. Heard him speak. He's funny. Discretion obviously not one of his strong points. You know, I just think we need him right now. these big mouthed renegade cowboys flaunting all their money. Nobody has any fucking money in America these days. I don't know if you’ve noticed.

We’ve noticed. Why do you think we’re here? A lot of money to be made in America right now. Investors and companies such as mine, if they're positioned right, have the opportunity to buy America for literally pennies on the dollar at this time.

But why would you want to do that if as you say our dollar isn't worth anything and our economy is sliding?

Well America is a lot like Rome was in its heyday. It’s the emperor’s new clothes scenario.

Yeah I know. I've read it a million times.

There is still a perceived value here. America is still the place where everything is happening. It’s the roman empire of the modern world. The only problem is that your government has mismanaged your money and resources for so long that now you are facing an extreme recession the likes of which you have never experienced before. Your government continues to print money like it grows on trees. It is the only thing that has kept your country afloat the last two years. Unfortunately now they are selling it in the form of bonds and t bills and jobs and industries faster than anyone can keep track of to the highest bidder. That's how china, as you said earlier, has managed to purchase so much of your American dollars. The people have no idea what is happening. All they do know is that no one seems to have any money. so they keep borrowing it. Everyone in your country is borrowing money. so companies like ours come here to loan that money to your people.

I shifted in my seat and faced forward. I let out a huge sigh. “Our market was down a hundred and eighty points yesterday... gold too.”

“Yes I know. But do you know why?”

“I don't know. who knows?”

“Plenty of people know. they just don't speak about it. Yesterday morning the vice governor of china announced that their gdp would drop a few percentage points and he recommended that money lending be restricted world-wide. And who do you think they loan more money to than anyone else? America. Within hours the American stock market lost over a hundred points as you say. Gold dropped thirteen dollars. Commodity markets fell. Many world currencies dropped.”

“I didn't know that.”

“No of course you didn't. No one here did. Your media doesn’t speak of it. You could have turned on any financial news show in America yesterday and not one of them spoke about why the American market indicators suffered such a blow in a matter of a few hours. No one wants to let the cat out of the bag. That's what you say, yes?”

“Yeah, that's what we say.”

“Don't let it get you down. Things will pick up in America. there wouldn’t be such a rush to buy it up if we didn't believe that. you seem to be doing quite well for yourself anyway, he said and looked around the first class cabin as if to imply I was rich and shouldn’t worry.

You mean this? Man I don't fly first class because I'm rich. I fly first class because of conversations like this. do you know what conversations are like in coach?

No, I can’t say that I do. I've never flown coach.

Well you're lucky. there are no conversations in coach because everyone is too damned uncomfortable.

I'm sure that's quite true.

Last time I flew I sat right next to James Carville in the vip room and had a wonderful opportunity to talk with him about a lot of these same subjects.

Now that's a real American cowboy as you say.

Yes he is. one of the greatest. Strange, but interesting.

I can imagine.

We didn't speak for a minute. I looked over and noticed what he was reading. There it was on the front page of USA Today. The headline read “How Iraq perceives the coalition: Occupiers 71%. Liberators 19%.”

Crazy huh? I nodded to the headline in the paper.

You could call it that. We have different words to describe it in France actually.

I'm sure you do.

How did you feel about the war Fishy?

Oh that's a completely different story. Too much to go into. I wasn't for it though, if that's what you mean.

There wasn't much support anywhere in the world for it, was there?

No. I guess not.

And how do you feel about that? as an American?

I don't know. How can you feel? I mean, I'm an American. I live here. this is my home. But I'll tell you this. This headline... about how the Iraqi people feel about us being over there... That's certainly different than how our government talks about it. they act like we are liberators. That's what the smiling puppet heads are always saying on the TV. Laughs.

Well I doubt that even they believe that at this point. But if they do, they're the only ones. Everytime they attack or kill one of your soldiers you can see the people in the street cheering and waving to the cameras. Its not like those are just “insurgents” as your media tries to imply. Those are regular everyday Iraqi people. and they seem to be very happy to kill the occupiers every chance they get. I think it’s a little misguided for the American government to refer to the entire Iraqi population as “insurgents” in their own country.”

I looked up the word insurgent in my Clie. “Rising in opposition to civil or political authority, or against an established government; insubordinate; rebellious.” I showed it to Philippe.

You have a dictionary in there?

I have five dictionaries in here. cool huh? I see what you mean... It seems like we’re the insurgents over there. We’re the ones who rose up in opposition to their established government.... right or wrong. I see what you mean.” He only nodded and smiled. “I don't know anyone personally who believes it. The feeling we have here now is more of a feeling of just could you please just get it over.”

You don't feel safer now that your country has liberated the Iraqi people from the evil clutches of Saddam Hussein? He said this with a very sly smile on his face. He was obviously being sarcastic.

I don't know. he didn't seem like much of a threat to us really. I think again that everyone knows this now and just wishes we would finish the job so our men would stop dying over there. its crazy. I cannot imagine what it is like for the families of these men who are dying. I can’t think about it. Its awful and unreal for us to think about.

It is a sad thing to watch for the entire world right now. everyone feels bad for the Americans right now. it almost seems that your country has been taken hostage in a way. if you know what I mean.

I shifted in my seat to face him. “I totally know what you mean. I've been saying the same thing. that's what it feels like to us too. we didn't even vote for that war. But really, in a way, we did vote on it, and we voted against it. there were protests in our streets every month against it. I don't know if you all realize that. it was obvious that the people didn't think it was a good idea.

We did notice it. that's why American sentiment has been so positive worldwide. Its not your people that we are against. I hope the American people understand that. All over the world. In France we had over a half a million people protest against it. in London they had over a million people in their streets.

Italy too.

Yes Italy was very opposed to the invasion. They still are.

Yeah, well, like I said. How are we supposed to feel... its not a good thing. Maybe in the long run it will be. Who knows? That’s what we’re all hoping for. But for now. Its not a good feeling.

I can imagine. War is never a good thing.

Philippe?

“Yes?”

“Do you really think things are going to get better for us here?” He didn't answer at first, and rubbed his chin for a while. I took that as a no. I faced forward again and closed my eyes. I just sat there trying to envision the old version of America. baseball and families and apple pie. A smiling happy honest America.... ‘There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home...’

4-6-04

The King called this morning.

Duuuuuude.

Duuuuuuuuuude.

What's up bro?

Not much. What's up with you?

The usual. I was just writing. What are you doing?

On my way to work. Dude you never stop writing.

I know. can’t help it. What time is it out there?

Nine.

Wow. So early. Dude, does work suck as much as I imagine it to?

Worse. You just waking up?

Nah man. French class. Had to wake up early unfortunately. So where we at?

Good man. Just feeling my way through. Laughs.

Yeah I know what you mean. Laughs.

Small talk....

Been studying the peak evolution book a lot. Watching for flow events.

Yeah good idea. Forgot about that. hate it sometimes.

Why?

Because what if something you really want just isn't flowing? According to the theory we are supposed to take that as an evolutionary sign from the universe that it doesn’t flow and move on.

Maybe. Or maybe just shift gears a bit.

Yeah. Cool. I like that. so what's flowing for you?

A lot of cool things. I'm going to Houston to meet with a new management company. More money. more shows.

Cool. the best of both worlds then.

Yeah but its still not enough.

When is it? laughs. not now anyway. not until we’re flying our own private jets man.

Fuck that. let someone else fly them. we’ll be in the back. making plans for noble goals and grand schemes.

Yes the noble goals. I remember them well. universal health care. Prison reform.

Equal rights for same sex couples.

No more political sell outs.

True campaign finance reform.

Mass enlightenment for the whole planet.

Reforestation.

A new computer every two years for every man woman and child.

I don't remember that one...

Yeah I just made it up. But wouldn’t that be cool?

Good one dude. Free college for all African Americans.

Free college for all citizens!

Yeah even better. Freedom for Tibet.

And northern Ireland.

And Chechnya.

And Venezuela

And Cuba.

Man we have a lot of work to do...

Yeah. Dude, we gotta make some money. big money.

Yes. well we’re on our way. except I'm broker now than I was five years ago.

Yeah me too. the fucking dot com crash.

Well those days are gone man. We have to move on. So where are we at now?

Looking for the signs. Just really trying to widen back and look for the signs.

Dude I totally know what you mean. Sometimes I just look up to the sky and I'm like God just fucking tell me what's what here!

I know. like, o.k. I get it. just throw me a bone God. Jesus.

Dude. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. And what I've been realizing is that we spend all this time talking to God or the universe and waiting for some answer. And maybe there isn't an answer.

Bleak bro. That's bleak.

Well maybe there is no one way.

Yeah maybe its up to us. I mean, what if either way we go its cool? like what if no matter what we decide to do in each moment we can still get it our way. maybe that's what God is trying to tell us by not answering us.

That no matter what we do we can still get it to work.

Yeah, like infinite possibilities.

But only to a certain point....

Yeah, but maybe not. Maybe its all just right there for us, no matter which we go. in the long run.

No moral imperative? No right way... survival of the fittest.

Yeah. I mean as much as we seem to desire some sort of moral imperative... God doesn’t seem to operate with one. all seems pretty random. Good and evil. Evil and good. cosmic bobsy twins. maybe its up to us.

I've been watching a lot of dean martin lately. All of his old variety shows from the sixties.

God I love dean martin.

Yeah. He was so relaxed and at ease on stage. as if nothing could bother him. he could go either way in the moment. Just doing his thing. I want to be more like that.

You'd have to drink a lot more. laughs.

We need more of that dude.

Yeah. More dean martin and frank. Where have all the deans and franks and Sammies gone man?

I don't know. we don't have any now. your average entertainer has the shelf life of three years these days.

If they're lucky.

Yeah.

Entertainers are so uptight these days. I don't want to be that way man.

So don't be. you're not anyway.

You don't think so?

No. not at all. I think you're pretty laid back. dean martin of the two-thousands.

Well you're the Frank of the 21st century then.

Thanks. I wish. O.k. dude gotta bail.

Dude, it was great talking to you!

Yeah you too. Love ya man.

Love you too bro.

Later

Later.

Current Read: Studying history of Cuba, Castro, Che, and guantanamo bay.

There was this moment in New York. After we left the cigar shop. We had smoked and drank for an hour or more. big phat stogies and whiskey. We walked out of there feeling good. all smiles. The wind howled. We buttoned our coats. At least you can get drunk in New York. You never drive so you don't have to worry about drinking and driving. ‘God man, we can stay drunk 24 hours a day if we want to. I never thought about that before.’ ‘good one man. Just what we needed to realize Fishy. I already drink too much. I mean drink too much.’ Hey lets stop in there and get some massages... o.k. good idea. Hi. Can I help you? yeah, we’d like to get some massages. Is that cool? sure. Walk back here. disrobe and wait in here... before I know it there's this tiny Japanese girl crawling on my back. I swear to God. she's got her knees planted in my butt cheeks. I'm half out of it... is this really happening? What the hell kind of massage is this? an hour later, I meet Dasher in the front. “dude was your chick doing anything weird?” “yeah totally man. She was kneeling and crawling all over my back... I wasn't sure what to do.” “Dude I swear mine was like scooping me. it was out of hand.” “dude we gotta come back here tomorrow.”

4-5-04

Last screening: Solaris with Georgie boy. Incredible film. I will write a song about this movie.

4-4

I started drinking caffeine in June of last year after about five years of being off of it. At this point I can really feel it. you always read about how bad it is for the nerves etc. they call it a drug and I have always been inclined to brush it off, but lately I have really noticed the effect of it. I find that by five or six I am feeling totally out of my mind. Hard to sleep. And then when I wake up in the morning I feel back to myself, really peaceful, like ‘wow, I feel like I went through a fucking tornado yesterday.... I wonder what that was all about. But I feel fine now.’ now I'm starting to realize that its probably caffeine...

[o.k. its 8:30 now and instead of my usual three espressos for lunch, I only had one, and that's on top of the usual two or three for breakfast, and I feel really really good. I actually think I feel less tired and stressed out than when I normally have the three. we had just recently read this study they just completed that showed that men who take caffeine feel and perform much more stressed and confused than participants who didn't take caffeine but a placebo instead. that's what led to my recent research. They had assumed that the men taking the caffeine would be more focused and more energetic, and the men predicted the same thing. but the study showed the exact opposite was true. less focus and more confusion and wanting to ‘give up’ at their tasks. But I would assume this is for more cerebral tasks as opposed to merely physical endeavors. Because when I'm working out or snowboarding I definitely feel more focused and energetic. So maybe it depends on what you're doing.]

The other thing is that another recent study showed this correlation between caffeine intake and suicides. Scary. Anyway, I'm going to climb back down now for a while. see what its like on the other side. Because as much of a rush as suicide seems like it would be, what I don't like about it is the scarce chance one would have in being around to reminisce about it later.

Today we were at a meeting at the record company’s in this huge building downtown. I had to go to the bathroom really badly. You know one of those like holy shit I have to PEE now moments. So I excused myself and ran all the way down the hall to the bathrooms. And you're talking like a mile down the hall. When I got there the men's room was locked. I was like fuck. I thought about calling the secretary from my cell phone and asking her what to do so I didn't have to walk all the way back down the hall. But I didn't. I checked the women's door and it was unlocked. I looked down the mile long hallway and then at the unlocked women's bath room door. There was only one thing to do. i opened the door slowly and said “hello” in this high pitched voice trying to sound like a girl. No answer. O.k. cool, the coast is clear. I'm going in. They don't have any urinals in girl’s bathrooms, although I'm sure that lesbians will see that that changes soon enough... So I head into the first stall. Close the door. I'm standing there. ahhhh such relief. God that is such a good feeling. ‘please don't let anyone come in. Almost done. Just a minute more. please don't let anyone come in... o.k. I'm done. Cool,’ I'm thinking. And then I hear the door open. Oh fuck. What do I do? o.k. jump up on the seat. Try to balance up there for a few minutes. No man, just sit down. Just act like you're a girl doing your thing. Yeah but anyone can see my fucking shoes are huge. What kind of a girl wears size ten combat boots? Dude whatever just sit the fuck down. Fast. O.k. so I sit down. The girl comes in and sits in the stall right next to me. o.k. that's weird. Guys definitely don't do that. we wait until the other guy exits before we will even think about entering another stall. Especially if its right next to an occupied one. oh fuck I'm thinking. this is not good. what if she has to go number two or something. I cannot listen to that. this could get bad. this is not good. I gotta bail. So I stand up to leave, but before I can leave I hear this ladies voice coming from the stall, “goddamnit.... uh excuse me...” I'm like o.k. I am getting the hell out of here now. but then, “excuse me... do you happen to have any pads with you?” by this point I'm already standing up. combat boots and all. now of course I didn't happen to have any ‘pads’ on me. so I didn't say anything at all... “Excuse me, I'm sorry, but do you have any pads with you?” she asks again. I open the door sloooooowly. I answered her in this high pitched voice. You know the one, “no. uh, sorry.” And I just bolted out of there as fast as I could. I ran down that hallway fast so if she came out she wouldn’t see it was me in there. man that would be weird. You never know who that could have been. Being in the Sony building and all. Could have been Madonna or JLo or something. imagine if it were JLo and she was doing number two... and then the next time you're at some party and you see Ben... you’re like ‘uh yeah...jennnifer...’

Hey you gotta go when you gotta go. And just because we’re on the subject I have to relay a similar scenario from over the weekend because its even funnier. So me and Bloopy are on our way to rehearsal at my house but we’re stuck in traffic. Infinito is waiting for us. the other guys haven’t arrived. Infinito calls me like three times. he's left his key at his house. I'm like dude relax man. We’ll be there in about fifteen. He's like, ‘dude the only thing is that I have to drop a dog baaaaadddd.’ See that's the thing about Infinito. He lives and dies by his dropping the dog. I look over at Bloopy, ‘Infinito’s at the house. he's forgotten his key and he's gotta drop a dog.’ Bloopy just looks at me with this twisted face. ‘Gross.’ But we’re used to it from being on the road with him. we have had to pull over in the middle of the night on the road and just sit for like an hour while he takes care of his business and we’re all just sitting in the van falling asleep. He always comes back so happy. and demands to tell us all about it. “Dudes don't you just love when you drop a dog? Isn't that the best feeling in the world?” and we’re all like, ‘dude, yes. Now lets not talk about it.’

So he's on the phone panicking. “Dude you gotta help me get into your house man. Seriously.’ he says. “I gotta go now man.” ‘o.k. dude listen, try the cat door. You can get in through there.” “dude I already tried. Its locked.” “the cat doors locked? Weird. O.k. dude you have to try my bedroom. Maybe one of the windows are open. You can slide in through there.” “O.k. stand by. I'm walking over there.... no dude they're both locked.” “Dude try the French doors. See if one is open.” “I already tried them. this place is like fort Knox man. Which is good because my drums are in there. bada bing. But I have to go. man I'm just going to pop a squat in your yard.” “Oh c'mon man. that's gross. Can’t you wait for like ten more minutes?” “No man I have to go. Its like diarrhea or something. I can’t wait...” “Oh my God dude!” I scream, “please spare us the details.” “Infinito is going to pop a squat in the yard” I say to father Bloopy. He just gives me this look of horror. “o.k. dude I have to go. Bye” and he hangs up. so we drive on. Five minutes later my phone rings again. It’s Infinito. “Dude where's your hose?” I'm afraid to answer. “Uh what bro? Please don't give me any details.” “I'm looking around for leaves, but your yard doesn’t have any big enough leaves. Can you get some bigger trees or what? I have to find a hose.” “Dude that's gross. Its around the back of the house. Where are you?” “I'm on the side of your house and man its ugly. You don't want to see it....” “No, you can say that again. I don't even want to hear about it.” he's still on the phone. “dude I'm walking around to the back of your house bare-assed with my pants around my ankles looking for your hose... where is it? I hope your neighbors don't see me.” “Dude its around the back of the house. Please clean everything up man. I can’t rehearse like this.” I look over at Bloopy who still has this twisted look on his face. “He’s walking around my yard naked looking for a hose.” “Oh man. This is crazy.”

Now of course stranger things have happened. I am reminded of the time on the road at this gig in Atlanta. We finish the gig. We go get some food. Head back to the hotel. next morning we start on our way down the coast. I go to make a note with my trusted Hand Crafted German Rotring Mini pen that I keep in a pad in my back pocket. But its gone. I spazz, of course. We destroy the van looking for it for an hour. finally we remember that I had loaned the pen to Vancouver at the club the night before. so of course we have to turn around to get it. if its not bad enough that we are now driving over an hour in the wrong direction to go get a lost pen, what was really funny is that we are headed towards a closed bar in the morning to go look for a three inch long sliver pen in a pitch dark night club that was left there the night before and we expect to find it. but it gets better. Miraculously we do find the pen after some searching. I was a happy camper. And so we were on our way. but then after sixteen hours of straight driving we finally arrive home. it is 3 in the morning and we are unloading the van. We are exhausted. We unload everything from the van but none of Vancouver's four guitars are anywhere in sight. Somehow we managed to drive sixteen hours in this van and no one noticed that there were four guitars missing. After an hour or so of “searching” the empty van and close to a thousand “oh fucks” from Vancouver I decide that before we all succumb to Vancouver's unintelligible theory that some thieves broke into the van during a brief stop at the infamous ‘café risque’ strip-club rest stop (yes this place really does exist) that I would call the club just in case. As it turns out the guitars were there, found right beneath the stage where he had left them the night before. so we drive an hour back to the club to obtain this little pen but no one happens to notice four large guitar cases... that I am sure we all crawled right by numerous times as we crawled across the floor of the club searching for the pen. yes things like this do happen.

Every now and then we get these hits of clarity. I'm sorry God. I will never doubt the process again.

4-03-04

“John Adams writes that in 1776 no more than a third of the population was on the revolutionary side; one third was openly or covertly loyalists, and the other third was that dependable minority to whom the gallop poll pays regular tribute, the people who know nothing, feel nothing, and stand for nothing.”

--Alistair Cooke

Last screening: Federico Fellini, I'm a big liar. Documentary about Fellini and his films. He speaks of being influenced by Picasso throughout his life. I would say that everyone was. Perhaps the most potent, consistent, influential artist of the last century. For me I always keep his books around, always carry a bag of inspiration with me to the studio and along with ten or so cds I love in that moment are always a few Picasso picture books. If I need something that I cannot find in myself or if I wish to communicate something to one of the musicians I will open up the Picasso book and look at a few pages of his paintings. That usually does the trick. In the paintings of Picasso we see the infinite potential of ourselves as the artist; you don't take the easy way out so readily. And you don’t find yourself so immediately settling for the norm, or for the expected. it easily translates to music or film, this underlying sensibility; for me at least, it does. A quick glance at one of his paintings will make me question the song, change chords, transpose the key, switch to a different time signature; just because of something I've seen in his work. Not a lot of painters do this for me. Filmmakers more. what is painting? But just paint on canvas? But it has an air of something so much grander? Life changing, life affirming, life creating.... but its just a painting. And one could say the same thing about music. its just notes and rhythm. But in music are these little worlds. Infinite worlds. when our art transcends the mere expression of the individual, when the expression of the individual becomes transparent, disappears entirely, then we’re onto something. then we’re making great art. grand art. something bigger.

The fellini films did that on occasion. the woody Allen films did not. You never lose the fact that woody is right there creating what you are seeing. Three steps beyond the camera. Bergman did it. Spielberg does it. in schnindlers list you never think about the writer director even for a moment. You find yourself immediately thrown into this alternate universe, this world all on its own, and for a brief three hours it is all that exists to the conscious mind. Some say that certain artists are just too big, too larger than life to allow the work to over shadow them, like with woody Allen. Their personality is always going to come out through the work. Or with fellini as well. you always know your watching fellini. Pink Floyd did that. in their middle period. Their work certainly transcended any one of them as individuals. Or as a group. it stood alone. apart from them as people so to speak.... unlike say the work of Dylan or Lennon in his 70 to 75 period when he was just using his music as a means of self-therapy. Which is cool too. which is where I've been at the last few years. But take dark side of the moon, where its just this masterpiece that transcends the whole group.... like it came from outer space or something or led zeppelin IV, or houses of the holy, or physical graffiti. Just these monoliths floating in space....

I would like to do that as an artist. the new new new CD that we have begun preproduction on now... that is how I would like it to be. bigger than we are. not so personal. Not personal at all. but something that transcends the artists, that transcends the creators. The trick is to step out of one’s self I assume. Fellini said, “At first I start out directing a film. And then at some point the film starts directing me.” this was huge for me to hear this from another artist. I mean, as artists we know this. this is the way it is for us. I assume for everyone who creates. This is the nature of good art. but whereas with my work up until this point it has always been about me. its always been about “I.” “I'm” into this now. “I” have learned this. “I” like this. “I” think this is cool. “I” want to do this. The albums have always been about “I've been on these adventures and this is the story of those adventures...”

I know this. I can objectify enough... now... to see this. But as when you think of great opera, you think of a great opera... not necessarily the composer as much as the great opera. The work by itself. So how to step away from one’s self enough to create great work outside of one’s self. That is the challenge for the self-obsessed artist....

4-02

The hinges that hold the screen on the laptop have broken. So the screen won't stay up. just plops all the way down like an old man’s... I'm trying to jury-rig with some fishing line. God knows how the hell fishing line got in my house. seriously. how the hell does stuff like that just appear in your home? fishing line. go figure. For the last three days I have been forced to hold the screen up with my left hand type with my right hand. slow and maddening. Sounds like fishing. So I call tech support at Dell. Transferred to India. Indian comes on and tries very hard not to sound Indian. “My name is Carl, can I help you.” “Your name’s not Carl. C'mon man what's your name?” “ My name is Carl. How can I help you sir?” he says in this thick Indian accent. “Look man, if your name is Carl then my name is Akbar. O.k.? So you can call me Akbar and I'll call you Carl.” “Sir I will need your real name if I am going to help you.” “Well I'm going to need your real name if your going to help me too then Carl. C'mon, just admit it. Your name’s not Carl. You're in Bombay and its like what three o'clock in the morning or something where you are. I won't tell if you won't tell...” If dell is telling these guys to use fake American names, then obviously dell knows that they have a problem with outsourcing...

We are two beings from different planets. It is an unnatural coming together that should not be taking place. His inability to understand me or my situation is angering me; my frustration is frustrating him. Dell has placed the two of us, both of us innocent victims of Dell’s desire to increase profit margins by firing all of their American employees, in a very uncomfortable position that we shouldn’t be in. I know its not his fault that he can’t understand me or help me. But its not my fault that I am stuck with a dell computer and that they are outsourcing to India and they can barely understand my tech issue. My screen is impotent. It won't stay up. Please help me.

Sir I am trying to help you.

Well you can’t help me, can you? You won't even tell me your name. You’ve given me a hundred reasons why the screen won't stay up. and none of them make any sense. Now you're telling me that you're going to have to replace the entire screen and top half of my laptop and I can see right here that its two little metal hinges that's the problem so just sell me the hinges.

I'm sorry sir. I can’t do that. we will have to replace the entire screen of your laptop sir. I have told you that.

O.k. akbar.

My name is not akbar sir.

Well you won't tell me your name so what am I supposed to call you? I am not going to call you Carl. I'll tell you that right now. I know plenty of Carls and you don't sound like any of them.

Well I am sorry about that sir.

Well akbar I'll tell you what I am going to do. I am going to get my gun. You know I'm an American Akbar. And in America we have guns.

I have heard that sir.

Yes. well like all Americans, I have a gun and I'm going to get it right now. do you hear me walking akbar? I'm going to get my gun.

I don't think there is a need for that sir. I am sorry I cannot give you the answer you want.

Well I want my screen fixed akbar. I cannot type with only my right hand anymore. Do you understand? And I am not going to send you my laptop so you can replace the whole screen just because two hinges are broken. Please just send me the hinges. I cannot possibly go a week without my laptop. Could you?

I am sure I could sir. if I had to.

Well I can’t. and you know what? I don't believe you. a week without a computer is worse than a week without food. Have you ever gone a week without food akbar?

No sir.

Well then why are you asking me to?

I do not understand you sir.

Just sell me the hinges please.

We do not have any hinges sir.

But the last lady I spoke with, who had no problem by the way telling me she was in India, told me that all I needed was these hinges. So was she lying?

I do not know sir. I cannot speak for that other representative.

O.k. that's it. I'm going to get my gun then.

Sir there is no need to resort to violence at this time.

Akbar I cannot think of a better time to resort to violence quite honestly. You have left me no choice. I am going to have to shoot this laptop.

You are going to shoot your laptop sir?

Yes. you heard me. What else do you expect me to do akbar? You have left me no choice.

Sir. please don't shoot the laptop.

I have to. I cannot take this anymore. I am going to fire seven rounds into this laptop akbar and this gruesome display of violence and rage is going to be on your shoulders. How do you think that's going to look?

Sir please don't shoot the laptop....

Akbar I am cocking my gun. Did you hear that? that was my gun cocking. One more move and this laptop is history. Try explaining that to your supervisor.

Sir can you please hold for a minute. Let me see what I can do for you...

I was bluffing. I hadn't done a data back up in days. there's only one thing I like better than my laptop and that's the data on my laptop. Perhaps a few rounds into the phone though. Now as it turns out there were hinges that would fix my impotent laptop screen. Two metal hinges that I could replace myself if I had the courage to attempt such a heady task.... and that was that.

Now of course this little antic soon prompted a phone call from the VP of client retention in one of their American offices. This guy was definitely American. and was very excited by my very American style of getting what I needed out of the newbie Indian customer service reps. He living in north Carolina had seen one too many of his fellow employees laid off so some nameless rep in India could take his job. I tell the guy there isn't anything he can do to keep my business or any companies I ever own from that point on unless they start offering us tech and customer support from America again. Period. And it has nothing to do with India. I mean Indians are cool. where would we be without India? Krishna and Buddha and all that. And God love their fucking music, its awesome. Its just the level of service that we need is not there. not yet anyway. and honestly, I don't like the idea of all these unemployed Americans if you want to know the truth of the matter. It just makes me feel weird. We talked as two old chums over a few beers. I reminisced over the old days when the reason people bought dell even though they were the most expensive brand out there was because we got excellent support. So it was worth the extra money you spent. Like with apple computers. and now it’s the exact opposite. No good service so the computer doesn’t stand out at all above the rest. We could buy ibm and get the same quality if not better and be guaranteed better service.

I tell the VP who is trying to be oh so serious and cordial on the phone, “look man, you know what? I'm going to outsource my business to India too. fuck it. I'm tired of being a singer. I'm going to hire some Indian in Bombay to sing all my parts from now on. And my whole band. I'm going to hire all Indians for my band. Fire all my American band mates. Fuck it. I think you have a point. American guitar players are too fucking expensive these days. That’ll show ‘em.”

Here's the real sick twist to it. There is one main company in Bombay who trains all these thousands of customer service reps and then sells them to American companies at one tenth the price of what American employees cost. This is a public company traded on the nyse. So like a lot of savvy investors I am seriously thinking of investing heavily in the company because I know that they are not only doing well but will continue to do well as more and more American companies outsource to India. Even though I myself would never use a company that out-sources to India because I demand better customer support, but I don't think that most Americans are that way. I think people pretty much take what they’re given and don't even realize that they can demand better. Bush and his administration still being in the white house is a great example of that.

Amazing rehearsal today with the band. New songs are sick. Totally different than our normal fair. Like I said, harder. Much harder. More intricate. Linkin park meets metallica. I'm sure it will be the end of my career. Which is a good thing because frankly I can’t take all this fame and money and attention. Its fucking driving me crazy. lol.

Lincoln road, South beach with the crew. Miami is so metropolitan now. especially during the winter months. All you hear in the streets and the shops is Spanish, Portuguese or Italian. during season you hear a lot of French as well. a lot of Italians are moving here now. it’s a good mix. The only problem is that if you are an American it is easy to lose touch with the rest of the country. you forget that America or ‘Americans’ even exists. I tell Bloopy that I'm the last American left in Miami. he laughs. I tell him no I'm serious, listen, have you heard any English in the last few hours? A few hours later he tells me, “you're right. I haven't heard any English since you mentioned it... you should write a song, the last American.” you literally can go days now living in Miami and not hear any English. Its pot luck but it happens more often than not.

Last screening: Scarlet Diva. Italian flick. Something really interesting. I turned it on and didn't notice that it was in Italian and there were no subtitles. i just kept watching and could understand most of it. didn't even realize that I was listening to it in Italian. that's a good sign. the next level. Record of the time: BUT when they got to the French parts I still couldn’t understand almost anything. I don't know if I will ever get it. speaking of scarlet.... yesterday I went to this store called scarlet letter. I bought this leather book to take my French notes in as is the tradition. You can keep it for life and fit years worth of language and travel notes in there. its very nice. so this weekend I will spend all my free time between rehearsals recopying notes which always helps. So we’ll see. And in this store was this really beautiful girl. So we’re going to call her Scarlet.

4-1-04

Scientists discovered ten new giant objects they believe to be black holes in the andromeda galaxy this week. its awesome how far we are now in our research of the universe. Some day, some thing, is going to happen...

Bush held a little soiree today at the white house. signed a new bill that makes it a separate crime when a woman is killed or injured who is pregnant. Called the violence against unborn victims act. I agree with it one hundred percent. Me and Rosie are always talking about it. she is very pro-life and I am very pro-choice/life if you can dig that. Even though we both agree that as soon as a baby is conceived it is a living breathing being. That said, I am still pro-choice. Have to be. hard though. Real hard. Hard to get the whole thing and nail it down in your head. Only thing I can do is pray about it. and that makes it even more confusing.

God

Yes Fishy

Who are you?

I am you Fishy.

I know that. But do you exist outside of me?

I exist in all things.

Well what if there were no things in the whole universe. Would you still exist then?

So with the signing of this new bill many are afraid it will be the beginning of the ending of the great and final battle for women’s right to choose. Slowly, starting today, its going to grow into something very emotional here for a lot of people. And even though we understand it—for if my pregnant wife were killed I would surely mourn the loss of my unborn child just as much as my “born” wife----this subtle move has the potential to stir up a ton of mud in the ongoing debate.

I switch to the other side for a moment to play devils advocate with myself. I try to imagine what it would be like if I were pro-life. if I really and truly in my heart of hearts believed that there should be a federal law banning abortions of all kinds. That all women should be forced to have every baby no matter what if they should become pregnant.... regardless of what they actually wanted. I imagine what a world like this would be like... doesn’t seem too fair. But maybe I'm just brainwashed...

God?

Yes Fishy.

So you would still exist even if there were nothing in the entire universe. If it was just emptiness?

I am the universe.

What would be the purpose in that God? of just an empty universe?

Existence is the purpose.

So that's it? You would be aware of yourself. Of your existence. And you would be aware that your mere existence is the purpose of your existence?

That is the purpose.

That is your purpose now as well? To exist? Is that our only purpose too?

Life is the purpose. The purpose of life is more life. And the purpose of more life is life.

God?

Yes.

I wish there was more to it than that.

I know you do.

God, are you all powerful or all good?

I am neither unfortunately.

I didn't think so.

I am all life.

Good or bad?

Good or bad.

Don't you long for just goodness in the universe? I mean, when the lion is chasing the antelope through the savanna don't you just hope that for once the antelope gets away?

Then the lion would have nothing to eat.

O.k. fine. Well then don't you just wish that for once all those people that are starving in Africa had food to eat and houses to live in?

It would be nice.

So why don't you do something about it? If you are all life.

That is not up to me. Stars die. New stars are born. Life goes on.

You sound like an existentialist.

Last screening: Max. Hitler and max Rothmans story. EXCELLENT. Great dialogue and acting.

3-31-04

In the news, the Iraqi people are attacking us everyday now. Just like they said they would. Lots of bad news in the last few weeks for our troops over there. everyday one American or more dies. Years from now when we are twisting the story to our own advantage as we brainwash our children in our public and private schools we will tell them that this is the price we had to pay in order to “insure stability” in the middle east and in order to “fight terrorism.” As much as I agree with the first argument, I am still unsure as to how we will talk children into understanding how attacking a country that didn't attack us first helped us “fight terrorism” rather than create more retaliation terrorism like 9/11, but I would guess that we will find a way.

We knew this would happen. I mean, they warned us. They told us that they wouldn’t fight us in the regular way because they didn't even have a regular army anymore. The dark forces in the black house told us they had weapons of mass destruction. But we all watched and soon learned that they didn't even have regular normal everyday weapons left anymore. They didn't even fight back. Didn’t anyone notice when el diablo ‘declared victory’ that there wasn't much of a fight? Not much of a victory since its just getting worse instead of better.

So now we are seeing what they meant when they warned that we would die in their streets. and all that other rhetoric they threatened us with before we invaded. Their not going to fight us in the normal fashion. Never planned on it. they let us come in. And now they're just going to pick us off one by one. or ten by ten. as the case may be. and if they can they will drag our charred bodies through their streets and celebrate their own small victories.

I feel so sorry for the families of the soldiers who are over in Iraq. We all do. Its so insane. Not only because they are dying everyday now, but because the majority of the world is so against the invasion in the first place. it would be one thing if our actions were somehow justified and the whole world was rallying behind them. But this thing has slowly turned into a twisted affair that many people just don't even like to think about. You don't see all those “we support our troops” stickers and banners all over the country like we usually do when we are fighting a war. I don't think that people are against the troops. These are our fellow countrymen and our brothers and sisters over there. but I don't think that people are in support of them either. I think everyone is more or less sickened by the whole thing and just wishes it would end. I think that the majority of the people feel very deeply in their hearts that we have fallen into a very dark and dangerous hole here in America, that underneath it all are gross errors in decision and judgment, and perhaps even just out and out malevolence behind it all. we turn our faces away from it as best we can. we tune in to fake reality shows on TV to avoid the reality of it; we try to stay focused on Janet jacksons right breast or her poor brothers slow degeneration into the great abyss.

I think it has the potential to be as bad as Vietnam in a way---the way that people are going to view it in the short term here. especially if we keep at it. it seems to just keep getting worse. I don't think there is anything wrong with us pulling out, going to the UN and the rest of the civilized world and saying, “look, I think we fucked up here. we’re sorry. But we’ve destroyed the shit out of these peoples country and they're pretty fucking pissed off at us now. they're attacking us everyday and dragging our men’s bodies through the streets at this point. if you guys could come help us out a bit we’d really appreciate it. we’re really sorry. We've learned our lesson. We’ll even share the oil with you....” you may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one.

In lighter news Minnie Driver has a new movie out. and since one day she will be my wife I figured I would give her a quick plug.

3-26

turn on the TV and you see something that says ‘the NASDAQ 100 open...’ just assume its some special show on new stock IPOs or something.... turns out its actually tennis. But it doesn’t say it’s tennis. It says NASDAQ. What the fuck happened in this country? we can’t even call tennis tennis anymore? we used to hear the term “the selling of America” a lot some time ago. we don't hear it anymore now because I guess everyone just assumes its already been sold. I have been studying economics for months now like crazy. zeke actually got me into it. great singer songwriter but also a serious economics savant. He and his wife are selling their home to get their earned equity out now and moving into something much smaller and less money and just going to sit on cash and gold. While the rest of America is going crazy buying homes that they can’t afford or borrowing up to their asses beyond the actual value of their over-inflated homes because interest rates have been unnaturally forced down, some very wise and cautious people across the country are doing the opposite: selling, getting out of debt, stocking up on cash, and purchasing gold.

Now I know what you're thinking. crazy conspiracy theorist types. Totally out of hand. well I would have to agree except that all the people that I know who are doing this are like the smartest most up to date and knowledgeable people I know. zeke explains to me a bunch of things I don't really understand about the government printing phony money and how they are selling our dollars by the billions to China in return for treasury bonds in order to keep us from going into a total catastrophe etc... so for the last two months I have been savagely researching economics. I know. Not fun. Not my cup of tea at all. Never was. But once and for all I felt I needed to know what the fuck was going on. [Fyi: go here: www.investyourself.com < http://www.investyourself.com/ > and here: http://www.dailyreckoning.com/ and here: http://www.2000wave.com/gateway.htm ] don't say I didn't warn you. tough stuff to read. disheartening and frightening. It turns out that its true. "2003 debt of $37 trillion was 437% of national income; the debt ratio in 1957 was 186%. If 2003 debt had been at the 1957 ratio said debt would have been $15.5 trillion, not $37 trillion - indicating excess debt in America today of $21 trillion. Stated differently, in 1957 there was $1.86 in debt for each dollar of national income, but in 2002 there was $4.14 of debt for each dollar of national income." We are currently spending 4 times more than we are earning. The only way we've managed to stay afloat is by selling our dollars to China. China owns almost more of America than America owns of America at this point.

A few years ago I put in this CD of Tony Robbins interviewing this very famous money manager and financial consultant—I don't remember his name, maybe Nesbit, but cannot be sure. This was in 2000. the interview was in 1999. he talked for two full hours about how to make money and about the coming echo generation and the baby boomers retiring and all this other stuff...and how to make money in the next few years. He then told Tony on this CD that 2004/5 would be the beginning of the worst depression in America history. Period. He explained how it would go down and why. this was the year 2000. so I told myself that I didn't have to worry about it then and I would think about it later. It scared the shit out of me. Because as I was listening to the tape about a year after he gave the interview, I listened to how he correctly predicted the stock market crashes of 2000 and then 2001. he was dead on. Now of course after the last few months of studying I am seeing everything he said would happen, happen right before our eyes.

I just saw on TV that in a month or so over a million people are scheduled to lose their unemployment benefits here. For them, that's it. See ya later. Gas prices are at all time highs. Gold is on the way up. Interest rates at all time lows so no one is making money on their money and real estate is so over inflated that only a fool would buy right now but everyone is buying at ridiculous prices just because they think they can... because interest rates are low. Most are getting ARMS, adjustable rate loans, not realizing that when their loan adjusts it will go up to interest rates so high that they then won't be able to afford to pay their monthly mortgage. Most are not bothering to notice that the cost of goods is going up. manufacturing costs are going up, and jobs are disappearing as fast as Britney spears will soon be selling us panty hose and laundry detergents on network TV commercials... well you get the picture. Its exactly as he described it would be in this interview. For one last desperate attempt for comfort I gathered together all of my Robert kiyosoki cds—the author of the rich dad, poor dad series. Guess what? Four years ago when he recorded these educational CDs he said the same thing about 2004 and 2005. Pointed to the same indicators and predicted the same things we are seeing right before our eyes.

O.k. so what does any of this mean? God don't ask me. I have no idea. I don't even know how seriously to take any of it. people are always screaming the sky is falling. So who knows. maybe one day it will fall. Or maybe it already has and we just don't know it yet.

But for me on a very personal level it means that I need to decide what the fuck I am doing with my life. I spend every cent I make and more on my music and my art. I have no savings and live completely debt ridden in order to produce more and more art. Yes I am on a mission. I have been on this mission since I was a little boy. But what kind of mission keeps you broke your whole life?

Maddie believed in the mission and supported me for years. Queenie didn't like it too much but still supported me for years. she begged me incessantly to ‘grow up and get a real job’ but she loved me and put up with it anyway. for a while. Cleopatra admired it and was deeply passionate about it and supported me, helped me build it and grow it. And soon I was successful and we became rich. I couldn’t have done it without her. I will never be grateful enough for her. I would still be homeless and showering at the beach at sunrise if it were not for Cleo. But after some time she grew tired of my unquenchable thirst to produce more and more and the ensuing propensity for spending beyond ones means that this hunger to create more and more art produces in a man. Now that I am single again... I sometimes doubt if I have it within me to put things in the right perspective... to understand the basic priorities of living. That food and shelter and clothing should come before recording new albums or touring or making videos... but I can’t seem to help myself. I am an art addict. My creative urge is much stronger than my survival instinct it seems.

I remember seeing the life story of Wagner many years ago. it is a boring movie for the most part unless you are a die hard fan of his work. But you see him for sixty some odd years travel from country to country always poor, always struggling, always borrowing from kings and princes and various benefactors in order that he could continue to produce his next opera, his next vision... always wandering.... looking for more money. That night in the dark in our bed I whispered to Cleopatra, “I don't want my life to be like that...” “Then it won't be. You don't have to create that Fishy.” “I know.” “You can become very successful with your art if you want to.” “Thank you. I hope you are right. but... but what if it never happens? what if I am never successful enough and always struggling like Wagner and wandering around from country to country borrowing money?” “I don't think you have a choice. I don't think you will ever be happy if you aren't creating. I'm afraid of that and it breaks my heart.” “Me too.”

“I wish that I were enough for you.” “You are.” “No, I'm not. And you know that. I wish that our lives together and just living a good life were enough for you, but they're not.” “I'm sorry. I love you more than anything you know.” “I know you do. but you love your music more. and that's o.k. that's one of the reasons why I love you.” “thanks for saying that. that's one of the reasons why I love me too. but its also one of the reasons why I hate me too.”

Cleo turned to face me. “don't ever say that.” “But its true. sometimes I wish that I weren't an artist. and that I just worked a normal job and made tons of money and I could buy you dresses and rings and cars. I am sick of being poor.” “I don't need rings and cars Fishy. Don't ever hate yourself because of your music. you’ve been given a very special gift Fishy. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn't believe that. believe me. don't let your lack of material success over-shadow the success you are achieving everyday with your songs. your new songs that you are writing. that is success. Don't forget that. how dare you start feeling sorry for yourself Fishy.” I had just written most of the songs that would go on the acoustic in New York album. Paris, and the greatest gift, and bored. she was right. and in that moment I looked at her like she was an angel. That was the turning point. Something shifted in me. very soon after, I recorded the rise and shine album and it was filled with all of that joy and excitement that I felt in that moment when she opened my eyes that night. the rest as they say is history. Rise and shine gave us success and money. from that point on I stopped feeling sorry for my lack of success and felt great joy and gratitude for what I was able to do. I will never forget that.

Current Spin: the grey album still. I love Jay Z.

3-25-04

Rehearsing with the boys for our new new new album. no title or concept yet. just fleshing out the songs. We are columbine, blind eye, messed it up again, Zion, song for jasmine, everything, here it comes, all of my love, and a few more. this new new new album will be the hardest sounding album I have ever made. Fred says to me, “you're starting another album? You have to be the most fucking prolific songwriter ever...” but I don't think so. I think most songwriters are this way. I've been thinking about it a lot. About what I'm going through in order to keep recording so much. I'm peaking right now. I'm in my prime as a writer and a singer and a player, so its not that I'm prolific, its just that I'm doing whatever it takes to record the songs as fast as I can and get my albums made. regardless of the costs or what it may do to me or my life or whatever. I think a lot of artists wait for things to happen before they just DO IT. I understand that concept but its never been my thing. I was thinking of the hundreds of thousands of dollars we've made over the last few years and the hundreds of thousands of dollars more that we've spent. At night sometimes it is hard to sleep. Very hard. You get kind of panicky. Laying there thinking about what the next CD is going to cost. The recording and printing and promotion and radio and pr work etc... what if we don't make it back? what if people don't like this one? oh fuck.... crazy. close your eyes. just try to sleep. Deep breath. OM. OOOOOMMMMM. Deep breath.

God?

Yes Fishy.

I need more money. To make my next album.

So do I. The Bush campaign just raised 182,000,000 dollars. That's going to be tough to beat.

You're funny. So you're a democrat?

Well I am God after all.

Oh yeah. Sorry.

Anything else Fishy? Oprah is on the other line.

O.k. yeah, real quick. How can I get more money?

Its not about the money Fishy. Its about your vision. How many times do you have to relearn that? spend more time on your vision and less time worrying about your imagined lack of money. Do you have to be poor again to realize how much money you actually have now? I can arrange that.

Oh God no. pardon that. I mean, no. definitely not.

The money will always be there. People aren't born with a vision without the means to fulfill it. yes?

O.k. yes. sorry. Just checking. I'm seriously going to try. thanks.

Now it is true that most nights I fall asleep smiling. Just really happy and excited about everything going on around us now. I am not sure really what it is, but something just feels different in me. or outside of me. I can taste something entirely different going on. In the old days I could never talk to major label A&R reps without being really nervous. I would be too scared. Too worried about what they thought or whatever. in fact because of what they did to a lot of the artists I grew up loving I actually had this kind of love hate thing with them, didn't even want to get near them or talk to them. but now things have changed so much. I talk to them now without hesitation. They call, ask about the band, ask to hear the new album or one of the older ones or whatever. and I'm just talking to them. telling it like it is. being myself, laughing. Vida calls me today to tell me that marshal from Columbia “passed.” Which actually translates to one of his interns listened to the first ten seconds of the first song on whatever CD they had and didn't like it. You can tell when that is going on because you don't really get a real response. Just something like “pass.” Or it could mean that they just got done reading about linkin park’s last CD selling 9 million units and since you don't sound like linkin park that morning they don't like it because they need to “SIGN THE NEXT LINKIN PARK NOW!!!!” [it could also mean that we just totally suck and they don't have the heart to tell us, which is actually kind of nice of them.... so you gotta respect that.] [that rep at Atlantic who told me she was desperately looking to sign the next evanescence even though she did not actually like evanescence. Who DO you like then? I ask her. I like James Taylor sooooo sooooo much, she tells me. Well then why don't you look for the next James Taylor then? I ask her.... well evanescence sold 12 million records.... she replies to me. It makes me smile when I think of it because its just such a backwards way of doing business, to follow the dollars and not your heart. it goes against everything that a good business person knows. She lost her job. Go figure.]

Its just so different than the old days when A&R reps used to be real music people. I'm sure most of them are still. the prob is that all the companies they work for now have been bought so many times by these super huge giant foreign companies that they aren't really little record labels anymore. So everyone is just running around like a chicken worrying about whether they are going to keep their job or not. it’s a slaughter lately. And that sucks because we need them. They’re our link to the biz. Without them then great music cannot really get to the people in a mainstream way.

Anyway, the point I was making is that now when I hear that Marshall didn't dig the new album, [o.k. actually that's not true. marshal did eventually get back to our manager and it turns out that he did like it a lot, and said he was a fan of Fishy and the band but that he just didn't hear it as being commercial enough and that what he enjoys personally is different than what he has to sign for Columbia. He also said that artists shouldn’t pander to major record labels and that Fishy should just keep doing what he does and he is sure that his fanbase and his success will continue to grow. I couldn’t agree more. I respected the shit out of the man after I heard that because he was just telling like it is.] anyway where were we, yes, so rather than it bothering me or taking it personally, I find myself thinking, oh that's too bad... Marshall won't be the one who takes us to the mainstream on this one. too bad because he seems like a cool guy. it would be cool to work with him. maybe next time. o.k. so who’s next on the list? And in the meantime we are recording and playing like madmen regardless. Doing our thing and not worrying about it. You know, its just a totally different mentality.

I remember over Christmas reading this interview with Chris martin (coldplay) where he said he just lives in a constant state of fear that any minute its all going to end and come crumbling down around him and everyone is going to start hating his music.... I thought that was funny. I was rolling around laughing. Because I have seriously spent almost my entire career as a singer/songwriter where it did seem like everyone hates my music and I just kept making it anyway because I liked it myself. So I don't have that worry at all. I always just assume everyone hates my music... LOL. I think my constant state of fear days are behind me now. Now I just focus on getting the albums recorded. Every day and every night I just think about the current album or the next album we are recording. I feel like I have been given something very precious to protect. Like a little baby or something. and its my job to protect it and take care of it and nurture it. That's how it feels. Weird. Just get the album recorded. Like a painter who just has to paint. Like Coppolla working on apocalypse now. just get it done. Doesn’t matter what anyone says. Doesn’t matter how much it is costing. Doesn’t matter how it is affecting your health or anything. Doesn’t matter that we just released an album three months ago and have another one coming out in two months. Doesn’t matter that “this isn't the way you're supposed to do it” or that “maybe you should wait for a larger label to do this like everyone else...”

I don't even think about any of that anymore. I just stay totally focused on creating my next work. Just keep recording man. Just keep it going. keep getting what is INSIDE to the OUTSIDE. Do not get lazy. Do not listen to what other people are saying. do not worry about sales. Do not think about other bands or other artists. Do not think about doing other things with your life. do not think about relationships right now. do not think about clubs or parties or happy hours or girls or friends or anything. Do not worry about the major labels. Do not worry about the cost or the debt or the end of the road. Don't think about going out or TV or anything. Just get your work out there.

If you do not do it now, then when will you do it? that's the question that haunts me. when? If not now then when? Later? When is later? Exactly. DO IT NOW. so no, its not that I am anymore prolific than anyone else. plenty of writers write all the time; I think that it is more that I am just completely madly insanely obsessively focused on getting the songs recorded before I die so I don't feel like I've wasted my life. Achieving something totally awesome in the musical vein, something I can enjoy forever for myself. if I wasn't getting off on it so much I wouldn’t be doing it. I could be a millionaire ten times over if I WASN'T a singer/songwriter/musician. I know that's funny. Ferret doesn’t think its funny. He thinks its twisted and sad and pathetic.

Dying Van Gogh

For me the biggest fear of them all would be never getting the songs recorded. That would be the worst thing for me that could happen. Half the guys in the band are freaking, “why should we start recording a new album NOW!? we just finished one.” But I'm like ‘look, if you have time to watch that TV show that you are so brilliant at quoting every word of, then we have time to record.’ and I know this sounds totally off the wall, but I'm to the point now where I think even if I have to have three ‘transcendences’ to play with because one group of guys can’t keep up with how much I want to get done, then I will. I'm peaking now. this may never happen again. i just wish we were making more money so I could pay them more. but inside I feel that even that is not something I can think about either. I just have to stay focused on getting the music recorded.

Good play title: ‘Dying Van Gogh.’ I think that's what it is. It’s a race against ‘dying Van Gogh.’ The work never getting the attention that it deserves, or one day will, and because of that, not getting the money that it needs and therefore never having the means with which to do as much of it as you could if you did have the means or resources. You can imagine how much more Van Gogh would have painted if he would have had the attention, money, or access to resources as Picasso had. Or any number of artists who struggled. So I fight that like a disease. Never seeing your complete vision fulfilled is a disease. The worst one of them all. and lack of resources makes it hard to make it happen. but I have never let that stop me and I never will. with or without a “major” label. If I have to bankrupt myself creating my albums on small independent labels then I will do it. and then if have to borrow money from every person I know to create the next one then I will do that. and then if I have to wander from country to country looking for benefactors to create the ones after that then I will do that. however I have to do it. I look at it this way. when I'm 35, or 40, or 50 years old, what is going to make me happier as a man? Being rich because I sold out, got a real job, and stopped spending every cent I had on being an artist, or having recorded and released a bunch of really groovy albums that I love?

Fishy goes to heaven

Being an atheist, I have a strong belief in God. So lets say in fifty years I die. And I'm up at the pearly gates and I'm sitting there facing God and he's sitting at his desk, you know, surfing the net or whatever, and lets say I sold out and just gave in and started focusing more on survival and making money at a normal job and dropped the music... I can see it now. God finishes his bid on eBay and turns to face me, “You stupid pathetic piece of shit Fishy!” “God you don't have to be so rude. What, did you get outbid in the last second or something? what were you buying anyway?” “I gave you a gift. I gave you a vision. a totally unique vision. And all your life you felt that vision and what did you do? Give it up to make money! now you pull up here in that fancy white rolls Royce and that's all you have to show for yourself after everything I gave you?! a fancy car with a trunk full of cash!” “Well fucking Christ God, pardon my French, but I was hungry. I was tired of being poor. And let me tell you that fancy Rolls Royce cost a lot of money. I had to work hard to buy that. Cut me some slack.” “But you didn't work for the right reasons Fishy. You worked to make money?! You are pathetic. You think this is it? You think you're going to roll in here and relax in the eternal kingdom of heaven with the rest of us?” “I tried God. I tried for years. Lets face it. it just didn't work. I had to stop. It was just too much. Too much struggling.” “Too much struggling?! You call that too much struggling? You wake up everyday for seventy years with a new song in your head and you don't even have to work at it. Songs just fly out of the mouth of me and into that idiotic little brain of yours and you call that too much struggling?! Well, we’ll see about that. I'm sending you back. And you're going to do it again. And this time its going to be even harder... I'm not going to write the songs for you this time. You're going to have to write them yourself” I wake up screaming, “no no no. no God. don't send me back. don't send me back.... I promise I'll try harder...”

Fishy goes to heaven, part 2

O.k. so lets say that I just keep at it. Just keep going along the way I've been going along. Money or no money, success or no success, and lets say that by the time I've died I've written a few thousand songs and completed twenty albums or so. Money or no money. Just did whatever I had to do to make it happen. God turns around from his computer screen. “Amazon.com. don't you just love Amazon? I just ordered those ‘ conversations with Me’ books. I can’t believe that people believed that crazy old coot was having conversations with me.” “Actually God they aren't that bad of a read.” “Fiction Fishy. They were all fiction.” “Yeah I figured.... So this is it huh? I'm dead. This is death. This doesn’t seem so bad....” “Doesn’t seem so bad? Look at you, you crazy kid. C’mere you.” God stands up and walks around his desk and gives me a big hug. “You fucking did it kid. You really did it. I never gave you a break. Not once. But you just kept in there plugging away at it. I'm proud of you. You want a cigar?” God snaps his fingers and poof! A cigar. Hands it to me and lights it for me. “Wow that's good. Is that a Cuban?” “All we smoke around here kid.” “Well you know God. It wasn't easy. I mean, you could’ve thrown me a bone or two you know.” “Oh that would have been too easy kid. You know what? I'll tell you a secret. Now that you're dead and all. You never had a chance down there.” “No?” “Nah. The humans love their Britney spears and their Pink and all that. And that's fine. Let them have it. But your albums are a huge hit up here in heaven! Just huge. You're a real phenomenon up here in heaven.” “I am?” “Oh yeah. The angels love you. Up here you’ll find millions of fans. We've been listening to you since your very first album. Although I have to say you threw us all a little with that sleep with you CD. Even for the die-hards that was a little much to swallow. You and that naked girl on the cover.... But we forgave you. Never stopped believing in you kid.”

“Well gosh. That makes me feel so much better. At least someone was listening...” “oh we were listening alright. Just couldn’t tell you while you were down there what was up. That’s all. But I tried sometimes. You know the lyrics to Do you know who you are ?” He starts singing... “Maybe you're in heaven. Maybe you're an angel...” “That was you? Wow. I never thought about it that way... oh my You! That is so cool!” “You know what Fishy? I thought so myself. It was Tres cool. Love that song by the way. catchy as hell that one.” “gosh I'm so glad you think so. Me too. I always liked it myself.” “So hey kid, welcome home. You know what?” “What?” “You can have anything you want. Name it and its yours. You did it. You really did it. You never stopped and you stayed true to your vision. Gotta hand it to you kid. A lot of weaker men have succumbed but you never did...” “Hey who needs money when you can write a good song right?” “Oh you are something Fishy. Really something. I'm proud of you. So what do you want? You want to fly? Or become invisible? Do you want to take a peek in the cheerleader’s locker room?” “You have cheerleaders here?” “Do we have cheerleaders here. Boy do we have cheerleaders!” “Oh my God, this is heaven!” “Name it kid and its yours.”

“Well God, I'll tell you, I just feel good being up here, hanging out with you. I always had this idea that maybe you existed and all, but I just never saw any proof of it, so I thought maybe it was just wishful thinking. So seeing you, and I have to say you are one fine dresser. I mean, you really look good.” “Thanks my boy. That means a lot coming from you Fishy. I'm a big fan kid. a big fan. So what’ll it be?” “Well now that you mention it, whaddaya got to eat up here? I am kind of hungry.” “Are you kidding me? what have we got up here? We have everything! Great wine. Great cheeses from all over the universe. Beautiful women...” “Beautiful women? Now that does sound good. But I am kind of hungry still. Lets eat first... if that's o.k. with you...” “Whatever you want my boy. Whatever you want.” “I'd love a peanut butter and jelly sandwich actually.” “You know what? I'll walk with you to the kitchen and we’ll get Audrey Hepburn to dress up in one of her fancy little dresses and make us some peanut butter sandwiches. I'm sure Elvis will be there if he smells peanut butter. He’ll come running.” “Elvis is here? oh that's so cool. you know I love Audrey Hepburn.” “Of course I know that. like I said kid, anything you want.” “God?” “yes son?” “Do you like Jay Z?” “Like him? I loved him. He's here too. Now there's a man who loves the ladies.” He winks at me. Me and God start walking down this long hallway filled with light... God starts singing some Jay Z. and throwing his hands in the air... “If you got problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and the bitch aint one...” “I could sure get used to this God.” “Please do kid. You sure earned it.”

Now for a little Internet fun...

This was interesting to read:

> >

> >TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS

> >

> >   Question 1:

> >   If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,

> >three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and

> >she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

> >

> >

> >   Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

> >

> >

> >

> >   Question 2:

> >

> >   It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

> >Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

> >

> >

> >   Candidate A -

> >

> >   Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.

> >   He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10

> >martinis a day.

> >

> >

> >   Candidate B -

> >

> >   He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, smokes like a chimney, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every

> >evening!

> >

> >   Candidate C -

> >

> >   He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,

> >drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

> >

> >   Which of these candidates would be your Choice?

> >

> >   Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

> >   Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

> >   Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.

> >   Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.

> >

> >

> >   And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said

> >yes, you just killed Beethoven.

> >

> >   Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging

> >someone.

> >

> >   Never be afraid to try something new.

> >

> >   Remember:

> >   Amateurs built the Ark

> >   Professionals built the Titanic

> >

> >

> >

> >   and in case you never saw this one..! ....

> >

> >   Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than

> >500 employees and has the following statistics:

> >

> >   * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

> >   * 7 have been arrested for fraud

> >   * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

> >   * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

> >   * 3 have done time for assault

> >   * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

> >   * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

> >   * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

> >   * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

> >   * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

> >

> >   Can you guess which organization this is?

> >   It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group > >of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to > >keep the rest of us in line.

Current Spin: the grey album. Will stay in my stereo forever. This one is solid GOLD.

Last screening: Bad Boys 2. O.k. this is the funniest movie EVER. I met Will and Martin down here during the filming because they were using la Princesa’s house as the police captains pad in the movie. There's a little trivia that I bet you didn't know. take a good hard look at all those paintings in his living room in the film and then look at the inside of the cover of sleep with you album... uh huh, you know it.

3-24-04

In New York for the last four days for meetings. Tons of meetings. Spent some time looking at apartments on Sunday. You cannot believe the small quarters that people live in in New York. It is truly unbelievable if you live in any other city what people pay for a 600 square foot box. A lot of people find this very frustrating because they rent and regret every month of it. I just chose instead to process it as exciting, opting instead to purchase rather than rent even for a month. When I see these little shacks that people pay at the very least $2000 a month for I see dollar signs. You just can’t believe what people are paying for a one room apt in New York. It would never happen in any other city. So rent? Fuck no. not a chance. Buy. And if you hate it and have to move, just keep it forever and rent it out.

Being in New York this weekend I was filled with excitement and energy. Although I was plagued by constant vertigo due to the insane driving of the cab drivers. I was popping Dramamine every four hours. The cabbies are crazy. I'm talking to my mom one night about it. she says, “you know your like the tenth person who has told me that lately. It seems that everyone is getting dizzy lately due to the planetary shifts that have been happening.... [my mom is kind of lets say... new agey to say the least...] I'm like, mom I don't know about any planetary shifts but I do know that I am dizzy as hell the last few months and I can’t figure it out. Last week I was so dizzy for two days that I couldn’t get out of bed. We cancelled two shows. I'm not kidding. Its crazy. Seriously. I hope there really were planetary shifts because that would give me a reason for this insanity. There is just nothing as excruciating as being dizzy all the time.

At dinner on Friday with the president of this publishing house, I had to excuse myself right in the middle of the conversation. I seriously just tried to keep myself from throwing up all over my plate, looked the guy straight in the eye and said, “Uh, I'm really sorry, but I have to go outside and get some fresh air. I'm not sure when I'll be back...” excused myself and bolted for the door. Just walked the city streets trying to get my balance back. the cool thing is that we still got the deal. The guy ended up paying the bill, following me out, and walking with me sixty blocks back to my hotel because I refused to get into another cab. So we ended up having a really good meeting walking for two hours. He must have thought I was one crazy fuck. Luckily I'm pretty tame compared to most rock singers. [has anyone been following the antics of Courtney love as of late?]

Take everything that you love about yourself and everything that drives you crazy about other people... there in New York you will find 5 million other people who feel the same way you do... for me at least. I don't know what it is, but it is as if everyone who is friendly intelligent artistic cultured cool and intellectual just migrates there, like they have to... some inner voice tells them 'go to New York now...' and there they find a bunch of people who feel the same way as they do.

There is still a little bit of that old school New York vibe left like back in the eighties and nineties.... but it is disappearing fast unfortunately. But what it is being replaced by is a very fast-paced but somehow relaxing vortex of like-minded people from all over the world who are smart, educated, fast-moving, quick-thinking, motivated, inspired, very friendly, knowledgeable, no-bs kind of folks. Its inspiring.

The older I get the harder it is for me to live anywhere else full-time knowing that New York exists, even though it is a hard place to live: loud, concrete, very small cramped quarters, crowds everywhere... but that is the price you pay for access... access. The ultimate access.

Last screening: the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I haven't seen a movie this brilliant in a long long time. this is his masterpiece. If there is one movie to see, this was it.

Current Spin: and in more good news, the album of the month, perhaps the year, The Grey Album. A strange underground hybrid of the Beatles white album and Jay Z’s black album. Pure awesomeness.

Last night in New York
Our last night in NYC, Dasher tells me that we have to attend a movie premier of a film he’s in that he shot over last summer. we hop a cab and head to the club. But first he wants to get out and grab some cigars. Then we hit a pizza stand at 55th and seventh I think. I look up and we’re standing right in front of Madison square fucking Garden. i take a bite of my pizza. “God its fucking cold here man.” “this isn't cold man. You should’ve been here in the winter. That was cold.” “Well that's probably true, but I'm still cold now. Dude I want to play Madison square Garden.” “You will my brother. You will. But now we’re so late. We gotta get a cab.” Dasher is trying to flag a cab down with his right hand with a slice of pizza dangling out of it. a cigarette dangling from his left.

We get to the premier and we get these vip wrist bands. The hostess assumes I am part of the cast of the movie. So she ushers me to this red carpet and puts me in front of this back drop along with Dasher and a few of the other actors. And all these people start taking our photos. I played along as if I were in the movie. The whole night all these people are asking me what part I played. I didn't even know what the film was about. So I just made stuff up. “Yes, uh, actually I play the guy in the hotel scene... you know the one...” That's the thing about us right now. Everyone knows they recognize you, but they just can’t place you yet. They’ve seen you, but aren't sure where. So you tell them you're a famous actor and they think you're a famous actor. I could get away with saying whatever I wanted. Which was fun. Not the whole time. There were a few people who knew who I was so I had to be me, shake hands and all, but for the most part I could be whoever I wanted to be. As we drank more and more free vodka, the stories became more and more insane. After about two hours, Dasher is introducing me as the writer of the film. It was hilarious. “But I recognize you... are you sure you're not an actor?” “O.k. you win. I'm an actor. you got me....” Every one was pitching ideas to me, the writer of the movie. And I was drunk, just trying to maintain my coordination at that point while attempting to look as though I was listening intently to them.

The acting world is so different than the musician’s world. They're all so damn friendly and open with one another. I would hate to be an actor. I talked with a lot of them and their whole world is based on getting auditions so they can get parts. It’s a tough biz. They can’t just pick up a guitar and go get a gig at some local venue or cut an album like we can. They wait and they wait for good parts, any part, and in the meantime they are waiters in restaurants or work in shops. Or the hated dinner theatre or soap opera bits. Its not easy. Dasher went with me to one of my meetings so we could hit dinner afterwards. I was meeting with this company from France about French radio promo for sleep with you. I introduce him and the guy asks him if he is in the band. He says, “No. I'm an actor, which loosely translates to ‘I'm a waiter.’”

The girls and hangers on were plentiful that night. girls love actors almost as much as they love rock stars. Especially if you were an out of work actor with a half full bottle of free vodka and a good story about your last stage play....

Its 3:49 AM now. We’re in the back of a limo driving around the city. I'm sitting in the back seat typing on my trusty beat up laptop. Dasher is in the seat across from me balling some chick we picked up at the premier. He is wasted. We are both wasted. He looks up at me. “You sure you don't want some of this dog?” he asks me, pointing to the girl beneath him. “Dude, no thanks. My wife would kill me.” He swigs from his bottle, looks at the girl beneath him who is just as wasted as we are, and then up at me. “You're not even married Fishy! You're a freak!” he says. “Dude please. Respect my wife man. Please.” “Dude you're such a freak. But I love it!” he says. Looks down at the girl. “Fishy here hasn’t had sex in twenty fucking years because he's saving it for this dream woman of his. Isn't that fucking funny?” he asks her. “I think its romantic,” she slurs and bobs her head over to look at me with this coy smile. ‘Chicks love a married man. The only thing they like more than a married man is a man who isn't married but acts like he is,’ I type. “Fishy seriously man, don't fucking write about this in your fucking diaries man. I know what you're doing right now.” he laughs, “Stop it man.” He looks down at the girl, “Fishy is a writer. He writes down everything he does. If he takes a shit he writes about it...” he laughs. “I thought you were an actor.” the girl slurs with this confused look on her face. “I am. I'm studying how to be a writer for the next part I'm playing. It’s a Matt Damon and Ben Affleck movie. Its going to be big. I have to play a writer.... its like good will hunting part two or something...” I look back to my laptop screen. Dasher starts laughing uncontrollably. “Oh my fucking God Fishy. You’re fucking classic man. How did you land that part man?!” he says, playing along. “Come here and kiss Rita dude. Isn't she pretty?” “Its Rena,” the girl laughs. “My name is Reeeeena.” “Rena you are so beautiful. You know how beautiful you are,” he says to her and they start kissing again. I take a swig from one of the bottles of Sky vodka we confiscated from the premier party. I keep writing. The city lights whiz by us.

Dasher sits up all of a sudden. Its about 4 am now. “God I'm fucking hungry. Fishy are you hungry?” he asks me. “I'm never hungry man. But I'm drunk. So I could eat.” “Lets get Greek food then. Dude I know the best fucking Greek restaurant in New York. C'mon lets go there...” he says. So off we go to this Greek restaurant that just happens to be open, like everything in New York, at 4 in the morning. Lamb chops, mint jelly. Grape leaves. Red wine. Too much red wine. From there it gets kind of hazy. Next thing I know we’re in the limo again. The girl is passed out on the seat across from us. I'm on one side puking out my window. Dasher is on the other side of the limo puking out his window. “Oh my God dude I'm so wasted.” “God man. Me too.” “Isn't New York awesome dude?!” he says between hurls out his window. “Yeah dude. New York is awesome... this is the life.” I'm looking at all the beautiful lights whizzing by with blurry eyes in between throwing up, my head dangling out of the window. “Dude this place is so beautiful.” I woke up the next day about one in the afternoon with a killer headache. Just in time to catch my flight back to Miami....

-----Original Message-----
From: Jazz@xxx.com [ mailto:Jazz@xx.com ]
Sent: Monday, March 22, 2004 4:35 PM
To: fishy@transcendence.com
Subject: Re : RE: another day in paradise

Hey Fishy,

What would you like me to bring back from France? Think about it and let me

know. When's the national tour?

Jazzy

Hey Jazz,

Thanks for the offer. Please bring back a tall skinny but busty Parisian blond who speaks at least four languages, has an excellent education, wit, charm, elegance, class, intelligence, and style who will love me forever and who will bear at least four children.

Thanks,

Fishy

In other news, today amongst the hundreds of worthless emails that arrived, one caught my attention. An obit Ducky sent me this evening. no message, just this news item that an old mate of ours from high school died in his sleep last night. he died of asthma. I didn't even know one could die from asthma. Its crazy how things happen like this. how someone's death can just show up in your inbox. One day I will be a death showing up in someone's inbox. But tonight I am still living. Lucky for me. lucky for us all that are still living. Tom made a real name for himself. So I won't go into the details. I didn't know him well in recent years. Our lives never crossed again once we left high school. Our lives are short. That's for sure. This is going by very quickly now. I have other proof of it as well; the occasional death announcement is not the only thing that appears in the inbox now and then. Lately I receive many pictures of babies. Almost daily now. someone sends over a few candid shots of their newborn. Tonight I received a few photos of Lurch’s new baby girl. As shocking as it sounds, it is true. Lurch is married. And he has a baby. Cannot go into him now. his character is ... well, it should be interesting. But that isn't the point. The point is that people are having children now. it is the nature of our ages now. and people are dying now and then. I guess that's the nature of our age as well. when we were young life seemed so large. So mammoth. So filled with possibilities. I always told myself that ‘this will never happen to me. I will transcend all of this. this pathetic and mundane world of the adults among us. I will travel. I will rock and roll till my grave. I will jet set the night away, going full throttle and I will never experience this boring silly simple life that the adults around me always seem to be struggling with...’ but no matter how much I travel and jet set and rock and roll into that good night, people are still having children, and they are still dying. And somehow, no matter how hard I try, it still has its effect on me. no matter what I do or where I go, I am reminded that I am still a part of it, that we are all at one point forced to recognize that we are growing older. One day we are sixteen, and one day you turn around and you are forced to acknowledge that no matter how wretched the thought of it is, that we are becoming ‘adults.’

We can’t help it. try as hard as we can, we still find ourselves mourning the losses of those around us and our own losses too, and celebrating the once-seemingly-mundane births of other people’s children as well as our own. I cannot help but wonder to myself, “is that all there is to life? Birth and death? Is that it? Weddings, births, and funerals? That's the big deal?

Last screening: Va savoir. A subtle little French film. I figure since I'm not learning a thing in French class, the least I can do is try to learn French from the movies. They have a certain style, the French, in their films.... don't they. Not much action. Just a lot of ironic dry talk, some kissing and men and women cheating on each other in these little love affairs.

3-23

On the phone today with the manager of this huge hotel up in New York that wants to play the new CD in their nightclub for a while. Calling for clearance rights etc. if they can clear it through us then they don't have to pay performance rights; and for us if one of the swankiest hotels in NYC is spinning your new CD, its good promotion. So its good business for everyone. The guy on the phone is the manager of the entire hotel. you know, probably the stuffy starched shirt type of guy I figure, who knows. so its just business as usual. But then he finds out that its actually me that he's talking to and not some agency or manager or whatever. So we start talking personally. Turns out he is a big fan. And that's how we got the opp in the first place. “My girlfriend stole my copy of rise and shine so I went to buy another one and then I bought your new one. I have to say, its just awesome...” But what's more than that, is he has every album I've ever made, knows all the lyrics to every song... the whole thing. He has my entire catalogue and goes back to the Shattered days. Has all of our original CDs. Knows every song I've ever put out since I was a kid. For him this was a big moment—he was just blown away being able to talk to me, because he was getting to tell me how he feels about each song and each album etc. and lets face it, I'm not really famous or anything, I'm probably more famous for being un-famous, so this was just as big of an event for me. Probably even bigger a deal for me. It just made me feel so good. he tells me they are on the Internet shopping for a good deal on airfare so they can fly down to Miami to catch a show one weekend. Tells me how many times he saw me play with Shattered back in the day when we would tour. I'm humbled and honored. I stood up and was pacing around the room asking him all these questions about each song on the new CD to get his opinion. I mean, if anyone knows, its your fans who know, you know? “O.k. listen Chris, let me ask you then, what should the next single for radio be for sleep with you?” “Well if there's one thing I do really well, its pick songs.” He says. “I can just tell when a song is a hit. And on that album I like them all but Veronica is my favorite. And then Superhero girl. That song just has the hooks.” “So not girls?” “Well no. that's a good song, but I wouldn’t hear that on the radio...” “Hhhmmmm.” We talked for a while longer and he asked if he and his girlfriend could take me out to dinner tomorrow night. Which couldn’t have come at a better time because I don't have a dime to my name right now. I figured I was going to be living on Ramen noodles for four days... so go figure. All this from just some hotel nightclub wanting to play your music. Crazy.

Deeper than that it just reminded me. Earlier that day I was talking to God. “Fucking a God, can you just give me a sign that I'm even close to the right track here?” I look up. “Am I fucking kidding myself or what? What the hell am I doing with my life here?” and its these little things, these little conversations. Your fans don't know. They go and buy your CDs when you release them. And try to catch your shows when you're in town. They have no idea what you're going through as a person, just know you as an artist. I think that most fans just figure its like MTV or something. I don't think they realize that sometimes, not all the time, but certainly at this level, that we’re just normal people trying to do a great job at our job... that just a simple ‘hey man you're fucking great’ can make your whole day and keep you inspired. A stellar moment in time for sure.

Obsessed with black people lately. Black women especially.

3-22

Had a nice long conversation with Julia. I think it was very good for both of us. Bubbling little energetic bursts of connection, understanding, and realization. Synapses firing. Talked about soul mates. Is there a soul mate for everyone? I mean is this something that we really believe in? Are we taking it all down whole, this concept? And what's more, does ‘soul mate’ imply a ‘romantic interest’ like as a hus band or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend only? No probably not, but doesn’t your heart ache for that? Don't we all ache for that? God yes. Can you have a husband/wife and not have that person be your soul mate? Grand concepts by a virtual fire just the two of us. alone in the universe for those brief moments. I tell her I always knew it. just took some time for our souls to catch up to one another. what I like and admire about Julia is that she KNOWS. she's there. there is no bullshit in her. and I don't have to hold back with her. she keeps up. she trots ahead.

There were two moments there, these two statements... “she is an expert at navigating through fame and fortune...” she tells me. And then another, “Fishy it was so good speaking with you! My heart aches with you, and soars with you.” Echoing my sentiments exactly. I was still driving when we hung up. I stepped on the pedal a little more, sped up, and checked in the rearview to see how it looked to feel so good in that moment... I repeated it to myself several times... “My heart aches with you, and soars with you.” God that's brilliant. How does she come up with it?

Reconnecting with many friends in New York this weekend. I cannot believe how many of the people I love and adore live there now. One by one everyone moving there. Some new friends and many life long ones. Doesn’t it feel good when we reconnect with really old friends?

Things crazy at the record company. I had asked Tinkerbelle if she would come by and help us out a bit this week. we’re way behind. So she has been the last few days. Leaving for New York in the morning. I go to write her a check. And she says ‘no way. absolutely not.’ And I'm like “what?” she looks at me, “you're not paying me Fishy. you did so much for us at C-Roc. I just want to show my appreciation for that.” I was so surprised and happy. I had no idea. I just assumed we were paying her for her help. And she just assumed she was doing it for free... my heart felt very warm and happy from this. Just goes to show. Life is good sometimes.

[a quick note for the record. life is good most of the time but not all the time. the big man in black who got Shattered our first record deal back in the day calls up to say that he loves sleep with you and wants to make some calls and shop it to some labels. Gets us all psyched and then a week later has his attorney call to ask for us to pay him this ridiculous retainer of thousands of dollars. As if he didn't remember that the deal we ended up with way back when never really panned out. The album we recorded, aftermath, is still unreleased to this day. And the deal that I ended up with as a solo artist on Sony amounted to almost nothing. Acoustic in New York ended up being released on an indie and not on a major. So here I was thinking how sweet life was that things were coming around full circle and that he was just being cool and going to finally take things to the finish line because he was a good guy and believed in us.... and then I get this call at ten o'clock at night asking for money... lets just say that the conversation ended rather abruptly with all parties doing their best to agree to disagree.]

3-21-04

You cannot force someone to be with you. And you cannot force yourself into being with someone you do not want to be with. I'm talking about in all relationships. Romantic and otherwise. Now the interesting thing is that we do it all the time anyway, try to force these relationships. But it doesn’t feel right inside. I don't think its fair to either of the parties involved. People do it for a variety of reasons... to avoid resisted experiences. Out of fear mostly. But I've never been good at it. we have to try harder to be more real. To be more honest. With ourselves. And with everyone else. we have to be strong enough to acknowledge to ourselves how we feel and to voice it to others. Its not easy, but it feels good in the end. it unsticks us. loosens us up and frees our attention and creative energy again. I can feel when I have something dishonest in me. Sometimes it is just the ‘not saying anything.’ That's enough to make you feel ‘stuck.’ Not saying something is just as bad sometimes as saying something that isn't true. omission of the truth is not the truth.

I am writing the song here it comes . I am in love with it and haven't stopped singing in my head for a week now. Nonstop it plays and nothing I have listened to has managed to remove it from the center of my brain. Like a broken record playing endlessly. The interesting thing about this baby is that the structure of it is almost the exact same as better luck next time—the chords are almost the same. Very close to the same song. But an entirely different melody. I love this about it—though the guys have been taking the piss out of me a bit for it being so similar. But I don't think there are any rules in songwriting. You go through your blue period and you paint a hundred paintings of blue canvas with cubes or circles. So what? What I love is that the melody and meaning of the song is so different from blnt. Even though the chords are the same. We stumbled upon it from trying to rehearse blnt actually. Which makes it all the more cooler. It is a song of hope. Whereas blnt was a song about giving up in a way. Accepting defeat. This one is different. Hope is all we have right now.

Played our final show in Miami tonight. A subtle no frills affair. In fact I believe I may have been the only one in the band who even knows this fact at the moment. I've told the guys that I'd like to record one more album before the tour and before I move. I have about thirty songs from the last few months and about ten of them I really like. We could get it done in a few weeks and have it ready to go for release early next year since nothing is cohesive isn't even out yet. nothing is cohesive is a great fucking little record. a real throwback. I hope the fans like it as much as we do.



Last screening: rock and roll hall of fame awards. Very cool. Prince is back. At least for the time being. Watching the bit on prince really helped me in a lot of ways. Reminded me of things I had forgotten the last few years. This business is not easy. You forget things. Tend to forget who you are. I think that happened to me in the last year or so. So much so that we renamed the band just Transcendence. I mean talk about forgetting who you are! You take your name out of the band entirely. Tough call. Half the people in the camp telling me to name it just a band name. And half the people telling me just keep it my own name. The irony is that as soon as I named it a band name and took my name out of the picture, to really focus on it being a band and not just a solo thing, half the guys bailed on the band. So go figure. I just think I was scared shitless of all the attention being on me. Man I think that's been my problem since I first started. G2 has always told me dude just keep it your name. It is you man. Every album the band changes anyway. Can’t you just accept that and use your own name? Now he's begging me to name the new album my name, not transcendence. So I think were going to compromise. We’ll see.

3-20-04

I remember when I was very young and ravenously studying astrology and other things of a more esoteric nature. Astrologers would always claim that there were two other planets besides the nine that were traditionally acknowledged by modern scientists. For thousands of years this has been a secret knowledge that astrologers have accepted as fact even though traditional science would never acknowledge it. This would always make me feel a little weird about astrology and astronomy. I would always think to myself ‘well how come these astrologers know about this but the rest of the world doesn’t? Could they be that far off?’ and at the same time it would also make me think, ‘those silly astrologers... if they don't even know how many planets there are, how the hell are we supposed to take any of this seriously? Certainly we know how many planets there are. There are nine planets and every one knows it...’

O.k. now cut to the news this week. By now everyone knows that this week American astronomers in California discovered a “new planet,” about <= the size of Pluto. They are calling the new body Sedna. I really couldn’t believe what I was hearing. If that wasn't enough, what's really weird is that astronomers are totally split on if this new object that circles the sun just like the other planets should be called a planet since it is so small; they are citing Pluto saying that Pluto is also not a an actual planet. As it stands now, they don't have an official definition of the word ‘planet.’ This is true. So depending on how you look at it, according to scientists today, as it stands now, there are either eight or ten planets in our solar system, but not nine... Hhhmmmm.

It does make one wonder about a lot of things. Maybe there was more to these astrologer’s ancient knowledge after all. I would love if it in our lifetime they found this other mysterious planet they say is out there. That would just be fucking wild. You see, scientifically this may not turn out to be such a big discovery. The planet itself might not hold much for us in the way of science... But it may mean a lot more to us in different more subtle ways... the implications of this new information about something that is so old... and was so unknown for so long now... may be much more important than we are currently giving it credit for. Imagine being alive today when we have just discovered a new planet in our solar system? When all our lives we were taught there were only nine? And all that time this other group of us was quietly saying there were two more hidden planets out there... crazy.

3-19.5

G2 says:

who will place the order?

talk to me minnie driver says:

i guess i will

talk to me minnie driver says:

just send me good files

G2 says:

i will email the files to you

talk to me minnie driver says:

check for diaries. a few that got left behind I think

G2 says:

ok

talk to me minnie driver says:

tell me if you find them...

G2 says:

let me email the files and I'll upload diaries

talk to me minnie driver says:

you received

talk to me minnie driver says:

diaries

G2 says:

Stand by

talk to me minnie driver says:

did you receive?

G2 says:

dude the best fucking entry ever!

talk to me minnie driver says:

which?

G2 says:

Nice man

talk to me minnie driver says:

which? What are you talking about>?

G2 says:

the french dude & johnny depp

G2 says:

the gun incident, all of it. good shit. You're a writer now.

talk to me minnie driver says:

cool

G2 says:

the quotes OMG the quotes are great

G2 says:

the quotes are hilarious

talk to me minnie driver says:

did you read the british rock star one? the guy was classic

G2 says:

Who is it?

talk to me minnie driver says:

i can’t say actually, promised I wouldn’t

G2 says:

No. too bad. Prob one of those wankers from Radiohead or one of those other brit bands you like

talk to me minnie driver says:

I’m becoming a writer right before our eyes from practicing everyday at it. its about fucking time. I've only been at it for twenty fucking years. lol

G2 says:

i saw a guy reading a book this morning in the subway

G2 says:

and thought about fishy as a book

G2 says:

i just saw this gringo reading, and had this vision of The Adventures of Fishy as a real book and not just you writing on the net... you gotta do it

talk to me minnie driver says:

yeaah!!!!! That would be cool. But I'm too fucking lazy. Its easier just to scribble and send to you every few days. I'll die in poverty, a complete unknown. Because I'm so lazy

G2 says:

I'm going to publish your book for you. and make all the money from it.

G2 says:

LOL

G2 says:

Don't worry. I’ll give you some money every now and then as long as you keep writing

The only problem now is that I am totally addicted to new songs. Writing and recording them. So you go back and listen to your last album or two and you're just totally bored with it. And all you can think about is the new stuff you're working on. Its quite crazy. Hard to be organized or committed that way. The only thing I find myself truly committed to is writing the new songs and recording the new albums. Nic isn't even out yet and all I can think about is the new new new CD I want to record now. Its an addiction. A sickness. I know this though. The last three albums, counting nic, have all been very overt and blatant lyrically. Even though the next two are already are written and planned out I would like to take a step back with them, analyze the lyrics a little and try to go deeper lyrically. This just came to me. Starting to see how candid and upfront everything’s been the last few years with my lyrics, which is a cool style too. I kind of bailed on the whole idea of lyrics being poetry a few years ago and never looked back. Always saying something. Rather than letting it be said. Would like to try saying things but at a different level. More poetry I guess. Lyric writing is the hardest part of the craft. For me anyway. Objectively I find my lyrics in general are pretty sophomoric. I take the easy way out too much of the time. I wouldn’t mind working with lyric writers, like Brian Wilson or Elton John do. Let other guys come in and put some words down. Guys that are better at it than I am. God knows I've run out of things to say years ago. I'd like to let go of all this self obsession and move on to more worldly matters in my songs.

3-19-04

o.k. here's the deal. Wine red makes you sad. No I take that back. red wine makes me sad. I was jamming on this new vox ac-30 I bought. You know the one. what a beast. [for clean only] and I'm eating this whole tub of brie while I'm jamming and drinking this bottle of red wine. And now its like an hour later and I swear to God I feel like fucking kill myself. I remember feeling this way before but maybe just never noticing that it was the wine. Francis told me that white wine makes you crazy. her grandmother told her that so who the fuck knows really. But I would rather be crazy than sad. Its just this kind of heavy depression that is following me from room to room. I must try white wine tomorrow and see what happens.

Today I think I actually started to understand a little French in class. The biggest prob is that we are in Miami and not in France. So every one is speaking in Spanish the whole time. so I'm just trying to keep up with the Spanish in the class, rather than focusing on the French so seriously I walk away thinking in perfect Spanish and not in French at all. I guess that's a good thing for the old Spanish but not if I want to really learn French.

Yes so this red wine thing... I have also noticed that it makes you feel dumb. Red wine. Don't like it too much. Its not like drinking hard liquor at all. like whiskey or vodka.... where you feel wild and alive. This red wine feeling is too mellow and dumb for me. its like it numbs you out. but not in a good way. in a sad creepy way. I guess it would be good if you were using it to balance a serious coke buzz or something. [I don't remember his name but I remember that quote from the guy from goo goo dolls who said that he was finally able to quit drinking when he realized that he had to quit doing coke because the only reason he was drinking so much was because he was doing so much blow. I just thought that was hilarious.... I mean, how out of touch can you be??? ‘Man I know I can quit drinking if I could just quit doing so much coke...’ lol. Classic. Hey that's rock and roll the life.]

3-18-04

Check out this video clip: http://www.moveon.org/censure/caughtonvideo/

Today is Cleopatra's birthday. Tonight we headed over to the Florida Grammy showcase. DC3 played and were unbelievably good. I have to admit I love this band more so much. Derek Cintron has the potential to be a huge star. And that's his real name. spent an hour or so hanging with various scene buds and then headed out into the night. on the way down Washington I see this SUV ram this little car right in front of me. the little car stops but the SUV starts driving fast away. I rolled down my window and told the peeps in the little car to stay there. I floored it and chased the SUV down. I got up next to it, rolled down my window and yelled ‘you have to stop.’ He pulls over and thinks he hit me he is so drunk. I'm like, ‘you didn't hit my car. The car you hit is back on Washington still. I'll follow you.” He's like, “you’ll follow me?!” all snotty like “who do you think you are?” but then he got in and I followed him to the scene. Crazy people in Miami. if I wouldn’t have seen that guy and chased him down he just would have bailed on the scene after smashing that other guys car all up. Luckily for him no one was hurt. another day another good deed.

So far more than 4000 same sex couples have been married this year in San fran. Way to go San fran. More power to you. But on the other side of the coin, some little town in Tennessee passed a law this week making it possible for the state to sue same sex couples as a crime against nature. ??? seriously, I'm not making this up. o.k.... so we can drive SUVS and pollute the air, we can make animals extinct by killing them, and we can poison our water and earth by pouring toxic chemicals into it, and that's not a “crime against nature” but rather it is “just something that some people wish that other people wouldn’t do.” But if two people of the same sex want to hook up then that is a crime against nature. Wow. Leave it to Tennessee. Remember this is the same town that prosecuted a man in the 20’s for teaching evolution. Seriously. people like this still exist. Be careful. be very careful.

Recently read that over 2.9 million manufacturing jobs have been lost in the United States in the last three years. unfathomable. If there is such a thing as the anti-industrial revolution, then we’re in the thick of it. the AFLCIO has filed a law suit against the United States government for the lost jobs saying it is because they are being too lenient on china in their breaking of basic human rights and labor laws... it will be an interesting couple of years.

At the showcase tonight met THE man who produced the first joy division album way back when, which is cool. he says, ‘We have to try to save music, save the artists... I'm trying something new I'd like you to be a part of.... a website for digital distribution of music...’ I felt like saying ‘uh o.k. pal.’ O.k. so maybe he's done one too many hits of ecstasy the last few years, and to respond is kind of silly and superfluous, so instead I took off into night to let the wind blow through my hair while I attempted to drive 130 down the Macarthur causeway with no hands on the wheel while enjoying the beautiful 76 degree weather and the awe inspiring views of the Atlantic ocean on both sides. On the drive home I thought about this poor old man with his good intentions, and how if people would just get together and get serious about it, and if first they knew what the problems were in the industry, then maybe they could fix it. everyones freaking out now in the music biz. Granted. And for good reason. 1600 retail record stores closed last year. that's unbelievable. Tower records went bankrupt and word is that virgin is about to go under from no CD sales. O.k. fine. So what's the answer? How to save the artists and the music at the same time? these were my thoughts as I whizzed down the great highway.

So let it be said here once and for all and for the last time: no particular order and off the top of my head from what I can remember from my wild ride home. One, we don't need any more new ideas in digital distribution. We’re there already o.k.? its been done. We’re doing it. You want to help save the music and the artists? here's the action plan since so many people seem not to see it. instead develop software that stops illegal downloading of music. period. And fuck what everyone else says about why we can’t do that. just do it. Music companies need to BUY legislation that forces computer manufacturers for even a brief time period to work with them to develop hardware and software that prevents people from downloading music from the Internet unless they pay their monthly fee—just like we do for cable and electric and phone service. Yes that's right, cut deals with all the Internet providers all over the world that makes everyone pay a monthly fee if they are going to download music from the net. If you hack in and steal music then you lose your Internet service until you pay your bill for all the music you downloaded illegally, and if that doesn’t work, you pay a fine or go to jail just like if you intentionally try to steal electric or cable or water or phone service. So that takes care of that. I don't even mind saying this even though every one I know except for the coolest of people are stealing music now illegally, even G2, even other musicians. Its total fucking cannibalism.

[I'll tell you a story. There's this guy in my office. I rent this office on Lincoln road on South beach overlooking the ocean where I do business. I run our record label from there. By night I'm writing, recording, rehearsing or performing with my boys, but when we’re not on tour I'm in that office by day cutting deals and trying to make it all happen for us. it’s a cool place to go and just even kick up your feet and get some reading done or hang out with people or toss the football around while I'm on the phone. its cool. and there's this guy the other day who sees the sleep with you CD. and he's like “so this it huh? Your new CD? and I'm like yeah check it out. so I throw him an open copy and he spends some time looking through it and he's just gaga over how good it looks and how beautiful the packaging looks. Because honestly G2 did do an amazing job on it. And then after like five minutes or more he says to me, so how can I get it? with this dumb look on his face. And I just look at him like .... and I say, ‘you can buy it from a store or from the Internet like any album. and he just looks at me. I knew he was drooling to own the CD but he was thinking that I was just going to give it to him because God knows why, you know, maybe because we saw each other every now and then or maybe just because he hasn’t bought a CD in years... its like people don't buy music anymore. They have this thing about buying cds... like they should all be free... its weird.]

So we need to change this. we need to get people to realize that yes the future is in the download. I believe that's true. but still owning the CD with the artwork and being able to take it with you on trips or have it in your car or blast it in your home stereo is a cool thing. lets face it, mammoth CD collections are still a very cool fucking thing. so we need to lower prices of CDs. call that action step number two. Record comps need to get CD prices down to ten bucks again. eleven or twelve for new releases at most. Maybe even less. Make it fun and cool and rewarding to own a CD like it should be, but make it affordable. For me personally two of my favorite artists are releasing cds this week. Phoenix from France and Janet Jackson. And I can’t wait to buy the cds. I already have them pre-ordered from Amazon. I would never fucking steal their music. I like them as artists. I want to support them. I want them to keep making albums forever for God sakes.

So step three has to be: seriously find a way to manufacture music CDs with anti-burning programs built in. You try to burn a professionally manufactured CD and it won't let you or better yet it blows up and crashes your whole system.. Hehe. Harsh words I know, but what are we going to do? sit and watch cds become a thing of the past and watch concert tickets rise to a hundred dollars a show? And like the Toad said, ‘man the worst part of this is that it has the potential to completely obliterate the ‘album’ as a tangible art form. Until the sixties no one even considered albums. The music business thrived on singles sales, on single songs rather than whole albums as one work of art, like a movie or painting. I like albums. And so do a lot of other artists and music lovers. Radiohead and metallica supposedly refuse to partake in the whole digital download of just one song for this very reason. They want people to buy their whole album and catch that vibe of the whole thing as a work of art in its entirety. I like that idea. Either way, if one more person hands me the new Radiohead CD they burned for me as a favor I swear to God I will fucking shoot them.

Step four: fix radio. Or better put, Unfix radio. Right now as it stands, to get a radio into rotation on commercial radio takes a minimum buy-in of $40,000. if you want to get into the top forty it takes a hundred thousand dollars. And if you want to get a record played enough that it makes it to number one? One million dollars. As a prominent radio promoter explained it to me recently, “Fishy this is the biggest problem we have in music today. labels thought they were being smart by paying radio all this money to get records played because it guaranteed their artists airplay, but what's its done is made it impossible for anyone other than very large companies to get music out to people. and now even for them it is such an expensive process that they may give it a try for an artist and if the album doesn’t sell a million copies they drop the artist and start from scratch with newer artists. for the music lover it sucks because we don't get a chance to hear much of what's available on the market, but only what the large record companies are willing to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on... which is often crap because it was released for no other reason than it sounded somewhat like something else that already “made it.”

Step five: Unfix MTV or better yet, someone start another music video channel that plays music videos that are cool rather than what they're being paid to play. There are thousands of cool, innovative music videos being made every month, but we don't get to see them because MTV plays to the highest bidders. So we are bombarded by the ten newest nirvanas and the five newest beyonces and the twenty newest green days, but we never get to see the majority of the cooler more creative stuff that's being created out there. that sucks for all of us. MTV and the like are stifling the creativity in all of us. Someone needs to get some balls and some cash and revolutionize video music TV the same way MTV did twenty years ago.

Step six: record companies need to start getting some balls or some brains and start remembering why we make music in the first place. because we like it. I can’t tell you how many times over the last six months since sleep with you was released that some record company rep has asked our manager about our sales before they even listened to the music or asked to listen to it. They don't even ask what the band sounds like. “good buzz about your band right now guys. What are sales like?” that's before they even ask what we sound like. Its crazy. Bros, in case you forgot... sales, that's your job. Our job is to make music. Your job is to be music lovers and sell the music because you like it and you know how to market it to other people who you think will like it as much as you do. if you don't like music, then do us all a favor and get the fuck out of the music business.

Step seven: record companies stop looking for the next yesterday’s big thing and start looking for tomorrow’s next big thing. Now everyone is trying to find the next dashboard confessional sound alike. Instead they should be trying to find who the next big dashboard confessional is going to be. Someone totally unique and different than Chris. It’s a no-brainer but for some reason its not happening as much as it should.

3-17-04

Super into this Country music channel 100 greatest country songs special. I have it on tape and try to watch it whenever I can. so many of the songs are sooooo good. it is forcing me to take a look at my own songwriting.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."

- Charles H. Duell, Director of US Patent Office, 1899

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

- Harry M. Warner, Warner Bros Pictures, 1927

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."

- Robert Miliham, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Heavier than air flying machines are impossible."

- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, 1895

"The horse is here today, but the automobile is only a novelty - a fad."

- President of Michigan Savings Bank advising against investing in the

Ford Motor Company

"Video won't be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six

months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every

night."

- Daryl F. Zanuck, 20th Century Fox, commenting on television in 1946

"Guitar music is on the way out."

- Decca Records turning down the Beatles, 1962.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The

literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."

- Spencer Silver, originator of Post-It Notepads.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."

- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology, 1872.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as

a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."

- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote."

- Grover Cleveland, 1905

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction

and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to

react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high

schools."

- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary

rocket work.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."

- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de

Guerre.

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the

intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".

- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon- Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."

- Bill Gates, 1981

"Such startling announcements as these should be deprecated as being

unworthy of science and mischievous to its true progress."

- Sir William Siemens, electrical engineer, upon hearing Edison's

Announcement of a successful light bulb.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

- Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

3-17-04

Met with Sony France today. The rep was very flattering to us. Said he was a huge fan of the band. Had this big smile on his face the whole time. “wow. You sing like bono and look like Michael Hutchence! You're fabulous!” with this thick French accent----I was thinking ‘that would be great if this were 1989...’ but now how does that help us. Lol. ‘Michael was one of my best friends. What a shame....” Hadn't heard that name in a while. Said the band could blow up faster in Europe than America. it was a strange meeting. Business-wise it was a good meeting. but it was deeper... one of the reps and I just connected like crazy. can’t explain. We just sat there talking so directly and candidly, staring into each others eyes. felt like a reconnection with a soulmate. It was profound in a way. He told us this story where when he first met Johnny depp he looked him in the eye the same way and said one day Johnny you are going to be a big star. And Johnny just had this yeah I'll see it when I believe it attitude... then about ten years later Johnny walked in to this party and saw this guy there. by then Johnny was a big star. And he ran up to the guy and gave him this big hug and said ‘you were right man’.... etc... then he looks me in the eye and says ‘you are becoming a big star now. but you are going to be bigger. Believe me. I know. I will make it happen.’ He says with this strong French accent and wide open eyes.... I was like, ‘I'm glad you think so. I'll believe when I see it bro.’ ‘We need to get you to Europe,’ he says. You’ll do great there. You're very spiritual and we love the spiritual in France.’ [this is where I was really taken by the whole thing. I mean, he's holding the sleep with you CD, and he’s talking about how spiritual it is... leave it to the French. I couldn’t believe that I was sitting face to face with someone who GOT IT, who actually got the spiritual nature of the work, rather than just the surface context of it. In America no one has gotten spiritual out of it. They just think its about sex... which it is, but only on the surface.]

Deeper still, there seems to be no end to this sadness. it is a deep and profound sadness. something to be in awe of. Something that is thick and murky... dark and pensive. If I were not an artist I would have just jumped in front of a bus or something, or jumped off of a tall building months ago. but I can appreciate it. there is a subtle appeal to profound sadness that if appreciated correctly can be endured and almost admired... beloved... whatever the fuck that means. I find myself fantasizing about taking my .357 and blowing my brains all over the place. I don't know why. I just do. like I said, if I wasn't an artist I think I'd be freaked out by this, but I just try to appreciate it, watch it come, watch it go... prob too much caffeine, too much stress, not enough sleep.

This state can come in handy. It has its benefits. More than the obvious artistic benefits. Sunday night after our rehearsal Vancouver and I left the studio at about one in the morning. We were both exhausted. we went through downtown. And I had to stop at a light. This is something you don't want to do at one in the morning in downtown Miami. especially with a back seat full of guitars. But we had to. just go Vancouver says to me casually. About the light. No dude. Its cool. we were both half asleep. We hear this tap on the window and we both jump. Fuck Vancouver says. Fuck dude! Go through the light! I look over next to me and there's this guy standing outside my window with a gun pointed at me through the window. A skinny black dude with red eyes. Obviously a little cracked out and loaded. Fishy fucking go man! Vancouver yells. I reached down and grabbed onto this bottle of mace I keep next to my seat. I opened the window. ‘fishy what the fuck are you doing?’ Vancouver whispers to me nervously. ‘how can we help you bro?’ I say to the guy. ‘gimme the guitars.’ ‘dude we can’t give you the guitars. We’re musicians. These are the tools of our trade. Like that gun is to you. sorry man. Can’t do it.” I turned away from him and started to roll up the window. “I said gimme the motherfucking guitars!” he says back to me. “Fishy we have to give him the guitars man! He has a fucking gun man! Vancouver is saying. he is panicking in the passengers seat rocking back and forth in his seat. “Bro. Look. I know what you're going through. You need money. you want the guitars so you can sell them. Whatever. I feel for you. but were not giving you the guitars and that's that. you want some money? let me see if I have any money...” I started to reach into my pocket... “Don't fucking move man. Stay right there. don't move. Gimme those guitars goddamnit. I'm not fuckign around now.” his eyes were wild. He kept looking back and forth to his left and right to see if anyone was coming. I looked back up at him. I could have sprayed his face a hundred times already with the mace. This guy was out of it. “O.k. listen man. Don't piss me off. I'm trying to be respectful of your situation here. I was going to give you money. But don't piss me off. You want money or not?” “I want those mother fucking guitars in yalls backseat is what I want!” he waves the gun at my face and then at Vancouver. Vancouver jumps in his seat. “oh fuck! Oh fuck! Fishy give him the guitars. God man lets just go man!” he is yelling. I look at the guy, “Bro. I know you have a gun. And I know that's supposed to scare us and normally I suppose it would. But for the last six months all I have thought about is blowing my own brains out with a gun that looks very much like the one you are holding in your hand right now. as much as it may upset my friend here to have my brains splattered all over his face, all I can think of is how cool it would be. like a movie or something,” I say, “so with all due respect, you're not scaring with me that gun.” “his face tightened up. “you're fucking crazy man!” “You're calling me crazy? And you're the one standing there pointing a gun at us. that's crazier. You know how much trouble you could get in? What if we were cops? Now bro, am I going to give you some money or are you going to blow my brains out? because those are your options. I'm not giving you our guitars.” I turned away from him and started to roll up the window. I didn't look back at him and I looked dead straight in front of me. I could see Vancouver in his seat rocking back and forth nervous as hell. He peers out of his eye and whispers to me, “Fishy he's walking away...” I look over to my left and sure enough this guy is slumping away off into the shadows of the night. “Oh my God he's fucking walking away! Holy fucking shit! You saved our guitars man! You saved our guitars! You are fucking crazy! But you saved our guitars man! I can’t believe this. Holy shit!”

Finished mixing nothing is cohesive last night. now we choose the song order for it. French classes suck. Very hard language. Not getting it yet. frustrated with it.

Nightline Daily E-Mail

March 15, 2004
TONIGHT'S FOCUS: Just days after the worst terrorist attack in Europe, the bombings of the trains in Madrid, Spanish voters threw out the ruling Conservatives and voted the Socialist Party into power. So how much did the terrorist attacks influence the outcome? And what are the implications?

Terrorism works. It's hard to deny that in the world we live in today. Not always in the way that the terrorists intend, but it is effective. Normally, we probably wouldn't pay that much attention to the election results in Spain, but I guess these aren't normal times. Spain's outgoing Prime Minister was one of the first, and one of the few, European leaders to support President Bush on the invasion of Iraq. An invasion that was hugely unpopular with the Spanish people. Spain has contributed about 1300 troops to the occupation of Iraq. The ruling Conservatives, at least according to pre-election polling, were expected to win. They didn't. To what extent did the bombings sway the results?

Now conventional wisdom is that acts of terrorism will swing the electorate behind those in power, the idea being that it's important to stand together. There is a lot of talk about how an attack on the U.S. might impact the upcoming election. I guess no one really knows how people will react. Will they feel that it's important to stand behind whoever's in office? Or will those people be blamed for failing to stop any new attacks? That appears to be part of what happened in Spain. Another factor, the Spanish government came out almost immediately and said that it thought the Basque group ETA was responsible, even though there now appears to be a fair amount of evidence to suggest that al Qaeda was involved in some way. There was a lot of anger in Spain over the appearance that the government might have pointed to ETA for political reasons. But we're not going to focus on Spain's internal politics tonight. There are greater issues involved. What lesson have the terrorists, whoever they are, taken away from the events of the past few days? Do they now feel that they can influence elections, and policies? Will they be emboldened to strike elsewhere as elections approach? In most European countries, public opinion was decidedly opposed to the war. Spain's incoming government says it will remove its troops from Iraq. Will other countries follow that lead if they too are attacked? Regardless, there is a lot of nervousness in Europe, and this country, these days. There is extra security around transit systems. And somewhere, there is a group of people who must be watching the pictures of the havoc they are responsible for. The terrorists responsible for the bombings in Madrid are probably pretty pleased with themselves right now. And that makes our world a more dangerous place. Much more dangerous. ABC News correspondent Richard Gizbert will report on the latest from Spain, and the mood in Europe. Ted will anchor tonight. I hope you'll join us.

Leroy Sievers and the Nightline Staff
ABCNEWS Washington D.C. bureau

[Excerpt only. >From September 18th, 2003 interview, after ELF terrorist group burned a 206-unit condominium tower to the ground in San Diego on August 1st, causing over $50 million in damage.]

CL: (Creative Loafing): you seem to be saying in your most recent blogs that you are a supporter of stepping up direct action these days?

F (Fishy): well what else are we going to do when corporations rule the world and the democratic procedures that we attempt to use year after year in order to instill change for the better stop working for us? Our country was founded on a revolution. Sometimes people forget that. Remember that quote from Rosebraugh from the ELF [editors note: Earth Liberation Front] who had said, “How long are you willing to wait for your idea of justice to come about before you take steps to implement the next higher level of activism?”

CL: You are a supporter of the ELF then?

F: well from what I understand there is no real ELF. I mean, as an organized political body, no one is even sure if it even exists. It is more of an idea. Actions are taken in the name of ELF, on behalf of this idea of doing whatever it takes to liberate the Earth from the corporations’ greedy clutches. It’s a fascinating idea isn't it?

CL: But you’ve also spoken out against the destruction of personal and private property in the name of political direct action in the past.

F: I know. it’s a tricky issue. I am starting to lean the other way now. The more you study it, the more you see the tight grip that large corporations—corporate governmental states—have on our freedom, on our laws, on our freedoms as people to direct our own lives... I don't know. it seems like a more direct form of action might be necessary at this point.

CL: But do you really think that these kind of terrorist acts do anything? What about those who say that it just aggravates the issues? That it turns people off to the real issues of the environment or human rights?

F: I don't think that's true now. Look at the ELF for example since we’re already speaking about them. Because of these particular acts that they have committed over the last few years, time magazine dedicated 6 pages about the organization, a cover story, detailing not only the acts, but outlining the exact issues that the organization is trying to raise awareness on. How many people does that magazine go out to? I'm not sure. But lets say one or two million people per week. received this magazine, showed it to their friends and family members. People learned, some of them for the first time, what is happening to the environment with oil spill offs or how many animals around the world are endangered because of these fuckers in control. When I read the article myself, these were things that I didn't even know. Its like over twelve thousand different species of animals that are threatened to become extinct?! That's fucking insane! And this is something we can actually stop. But not if we’re just going to sit around and try to lobby congress about it.

CL: So you don't believe that traditional means of environmental activist groups are helping?

F: look at this way. Right now as we’re speaking, we've all heard these statistics, but for the record, we are destroying the rain forests of the world—less than 2% of the entire planet—at a rate of 214,000 acres per day! That’s an area larger than the entire city of New York. And that's PER DAY. And this is happening right now! Its fucking crazy. So the answer is no. traditional forms of environmental activism are not working.

CL: It is a figure that is hard to conceive of for most people.

F: Yeah it is. And we can stop this, but we don't. I talk to the people in our generation every day you know, the people that are into more forms of direct action and the feeling now in our generation and in the younger generations is that those traditional forms where people send in their twenty dollars in an envelope to Greenpeace or the world wildlife fund or the sierra club or whatever—and I'm not trying to single them out—but people think that this is helping. These organizations have been raising hundreds of millions of dollars a year for decades now and they can afford all these very expensive attorneys in Washington to have lunch with senators and all this lobbying in the traditional sense and its just not doing anything. If it were doing something, then we wouldn’t be destroying over two hundred thousand acres of rainforests a day. Right? I mean what is it doing? So now I think the consensus is changing about what is necessary in order for us to show that we mean business. and if that means blowing up a whole fucking lot of hummers or destroying oil rigs or someone chaining themselves to a tree, then that's what its going to take. And I'm there with them now.

CL: But what about when that means the potential for human loss or suffering, when it involves the injuring whether intentional or otherwise, of others? As is the case with some of the more extreme terrorist acts that we have seen in the last few years?

F: I don't think that there's anyone who cares about human rights or the environment who wants to see other people get hurt. That's not on the agenda. But the point is that the world is moving to extremes now. the left is running to the left because it sees that its losing. And the right is running to the right because it too sees that its losing. Perhaps on different issues. But the battle has now begun. And I think that if we have to, then people are going to take to the streets and it could get ugly.

CL: You have referred to it as the last great battle between the enlightened and the barbarians. Who’s who? [laughs]

F: I know it is a ridiculously pompous thing to say. But I think its true to a certain extent now. sometimes you have to become a barbarian to defeat a barbarian, and that's what we’re seeing now. There's going to be more and more destructive direct action taken in the name of the environment and human rights issues. I think it has the potential to get ugly but hopefully not. I can’t speak for other people, but for myself I'll say that if you sit here right now and you tell me that we have to accept the total degradation of the planet and we have to accept that in the next few years over twelve thousand different animals are going to die even though we can stop it, then I'm going to tell you that I'm going to do everything in my power to stop it. And if that means very blatant overt direct acts of protest that cause every one in the world to sit up and take notice, then that's what I'm going to do. And I know a lot of other people all over the world who feel the same way. I mean, you don't have to say anymore than that. That says what it says.

3-11-04

I received a message from the Oracle during the week. I wrote him something back. I know you can’t really write the oracle. One doesn’t receive replies back. But sometimes I have to anyway.

Dear Oracle,

You seriously freak me out sometimes.

Not all the time.

Sometimes I'm just like...

O.k. whatever.

But every once in a while...

Such as this week.

Not that I know what the hell you are going on about.

Even though I do.

And that's the part that freaks me out.

One thing though.... I wish sometimes your recorded messages, which I partake in every now and again when I feel like I need more clarification, had more to do with your written messages. Such was not the case this week. unless it was. In which case I didn't get it. not yet anyway...

Fishy

3-10-04

Met with a guitarist today to sit and have a few pints and talk about the band. Good night. we drank and drank and shared stories till the wee small hours of the morning. things weird with me moving to NYC. Not sure what the fuck is supposed to happen. if there is such a thing as “something supposed to happen.” [o.k. so that's just me trying to be cool... you know I like to play the cynical card every now and then, but don't believe it for a second. The ambassador is alive and well. and by all means its all supposed to happen. unless of course it isn't... and that's where it gets a bit tricky. But it wouldn’t be much fun if it weren't a bit tricky...]

But it is strange to have so little of a band left and yet so many options for a band. Sometimes it seems like the band has ten members. Other times it seems like its just me and Father Bloopy. So what the hell am I thinking moving to New York? Well some things I do know. We know we are touring the east coast in April. Sony France called today. asked if we would be interested in releasing the sleep with you album in Europe and if it does well then heading over there to do some shows. said it would really go over well in their market, more than here. they’ve been seeing breasts over there for centuries so sleep won't be considered controversial like it is here. Here its ... well... say no more... same sex marriage is still considered controversial over here for some weird reason... I liked what bill Maher said last week. “Please.... its happening and there's nothing you can do to stop it. so get bored with it already.” i mean obviously there's something happening to us. as a species of people. we weren't always so gay. Everyone and their brother is coming out of the closet. Literally. People are just flying out of the woodwork announcing “guess what? I'm gay and I'm going to marry my best friend Chad!” its crazy. everyone has a brother or a sister, or at least a cousin who is gay now. it used to be so taboo. You called someone gay and they were insulted. Now you call someone gay and they're like, “You really think so?!”

Sometimes I think its just a passing fad. Sometimes I think it may be more of a subtle evolutionary process at play that we aren't aware of yet—something about protecting the world from over-population---if you believe in the whole ‘over-population thing—which I don't know if I do or not yet... and it could also be for helping to care for the children left behind. Gay couples are a lot more prone to adoption, so that's a good thing for orphans from all over the world...so there's two good things to come out of it. Another way I see it being an evolutionary process at play is in that it is helping us balance ourselves as a people. Bridging the gap between the sexes. Man becoming more like woman and women becoming more like men. I know that fundamentalists in any religion are going to have a field day with that theory. They hate the idea of that. but I like it. I think that kind of assimilation will be good for us. lets face it, people who are too masculine or too feminine are pretty fucked up usually. A good balance between the two is what we all need.

But don't go talking about evolution to the slower amongst us. They hate the word. While the rest of humanity understands the importance of our evolvement as a species, there are still many among us who don't even want the word mentioned in schools... they don't even realize that we are a species... you mention “evolution of our species” to them and you can see them getting ready to hit you over the head with their club as they let out a few grunts... that's what the dark ages was all about. Frightened people trying to stop our evolution [in the name of God of course...] that's what were seeing right now before our eyes with the whole same sex marriage debate. Its exciting. Slower people among us unable to see the bigger picture. They're trying to play God. Trying to stop our evolution. Its too much for them. it goes against everything they were brainwashed into believing. Let us hope that enough of us have evolved now to be strong enough not allow the world to succumb to another age of darkness.

Studying billionaires now. Someone once told me that there were only two ways to become rich: be born rich and inherit your money (as is the case of five of the top ten billionaires in the world today—all of them Waltons—from Wal-Mart), or “marry rich.” Well since I wasn't lucky enough to be afforded the first, and too proud to allow myself the second, I will choose the third method that my friend was too short sighted to even bother to mention: good old fashioned roll up your sleeves work until you get it right elbow grease. Seems simple enough. Take one idea. Bet all you got on it, and go for it. if it doesn’t work, start over again from scratch if you have to. Work day and night and don't chase more than one rabbit or you won't catch either. From that one idea, if you have a moderate amount of success, use other peoples money to expand the idea into what we call a franchise. From there its all downhill. Just keep expanding the empire.

Tonight I was speaking to God. I was picturing and feeling this feminine image and energy. But I have been so brainwashed into thinking of “God” as a man. For a moment I almost felt weird about it... like maybe I wasn't doing it right... perhaps it was just an angel or something I was seeing.... but I heard this voice in my head. “Its o.k. to think of me as female Fishy. I'm both. and neither. and you know that. So go ahead and picture me however you want to. Don’t let anything stop you from communicating with me. Now more than ever.

3-09-04

I found this massage chair cover thing. You wouldn’t believe it. You throw it anywhere. In a car or over a chair or flat on the bed or floor. I have it outside right now on a bench. It has all these various different massages that it does to you and it also heats up. And then there's these speakers on it so you can listen to nature sounds or to this new age music coming right out of it. and the whole time its massaging you and heating you up. Its wild.

Has anyone noticed this thing with Dish network? Fucking a its crazy. half the channels on dish networks don't work now because Viacom turned them all off all over the country as a way to blackmail them into paying higher premiums for the channels and to force them into taking buying channels they don't want to. Its like the fucking apocalypse or something. and when you go to watch MTV or VH1 or cbs instead of those channels you got these two guys form dish networks sitting at a desk talking to America telling everyone “we are refusing to pay these high prices and we refuse to be extorted like this so were really sorry but that's why you can’t watch your favorite shows right now. and they just sit on there for hours talking and reading people letters and emails and answering them. parents aren't even get any of the kids channels for their children. I swear to God you couldn’t dream this up. its reality TV but for real.

Bloopy is off to France for a week, I feel like a proud father. He's never crossed the Atlantic before. While today was my first day of French class. Although I don't remember a thing from it. they start at 10:00 AM. That's in the fucking morning. I don't even know if I was there. maybe my body was but my mind, no way. I have always heard that French is hard. Well guess what? French is hard. Really hard. They don't pronounce any of their fucking letters. I don't know why they use them if they aren't going to pronounce them.

The most amazing thing happened today. about two weeks ago I purchased a Vox-AC 30 amp off of eBay. I got a decent deal. Like all musicians these days I'm an eBay freak and haven't even been in a music store in years. buy everything online now. and used. The older the better. The cool thing about eBay is that you almost never even talk to the people you buy or sell stuff to. and another cool thing about eBay is that sometimes you do. that's cool too.

I bought the amp from another user in the UK. Over the course of the last two weeks he and I started emailing back and forth about the amp and the biz. You never know who you're talking to. turns out I was buying the amp from a very cool very famous English guitarist in a very cool very famous British band who happens to have about ten of these babies and was getting rid of one. we were trading stories and opinions about gear and all that. I get this email from him a few days ago saying he was a fan of the band’s. He had gone online about a week ago and bought our last two cds. we started talking more and more. he said to give him a ring not too late and we would talk about coming over the England for a few shows. So I gave him a call. Sure enough it was him. and ironically enough his amp arrived today as well.

His band happens to be wildly famous and mine happens to be wildly not so famous. So we started talking about it. Just going back and forth.

“If I were you mate I wouldn’t even worry about the fucking record labels at this point. You just need to get yerselves on the road and stay there. That’s what we did. The labels will come to you. And if they don't then fuck ‘em. You can sell yer records from the road with or without a label you know.”

“Yeah well I guess that's what were going to do now. Just start playing where ever we can play .now.”

“Fishy you can play a few shows with our band if you can get over here...”
”What? Are you fucking serious man? We can play shows with you?”

“Yeah lad. I've listened to the cds. I think its fucking brilliant. What you guys are doing.”

“Thanks for saying that. Half the time I think its brilliant myself and then the other half I think we must blow. Its hard for us right now.”

“Its hard for everyone right now mate. The business is fucking changing so fast, especially in America. You don't have much of a business left over there from what we hear. Touring is the only way a band can make it now.”
”Well its not like you guys are hurting for sales man. I mean what are you guys selling like ten million a year or something.”
”You'd be surprised Fishy. We haven't sold a million of the new one. And by the time they're done raking us over the coals its not a lot of money split between four guys.”

“You think things are better over there. In the UK?”

“For what you do, yeah. You sound like Lou reed and David Bowie mixed together. It’s a cool sound. That sound is still big here. I don't suppose its too big in America anymore...”

“Well i do my own thing man....”

“Don't get me wrong Fishy. You have your own sound as well. That’s what I'm saying. I really like it. I just think you have to get out and play more. I think that if you came over here the people would love ya.”

“You think so? I don't know if people here in the states like Lou anymore. I don't know if they ever did. I don't know if they even know who he is...”

“Yeah its all fucked up in America now. Even for us. Its hard to find an audience for rock bands. America is just so fucking big isn't it? Especially bands that have a more British sound like you all do. it must be hard.”

“Tell me about it. All day long I either hear that we’re great or that we suck. We don't know what to think cause we do what we do. Its what we do. I mean, we don't want to go changing it or messing with it. you know?”
”You can say that again mate. Once a band starts fucking with their sound to try to please the fuckheads in the suits then that's the end of the band. We've seen it a million fucking times. But like I said Fishy, I like it myself what you all do. I just think its brilliant man. I mean that. I don't think you guys will have a problem if you get out more and play. You might not sell a million records, but you’ll find an audience.”

“Man I hope you're right.”
”Hey by the way, how do you like the ac-30? Have you had a chance to drive her yet?”

“Yeah tonight I've been playing it all night.”
”She's a beast aint she? What kind of an axe are you plugging in?”

“Just now an old les Paul, but I'm about to plug in a 72 custom tele.”

“That was my first guitar man. A custom tele and an Ac-30. That’s an amazing sound. You’ll be happy. Let me know how you like her. I would never use anything else. I own about ten of ‘em I think.”

“Yeah you said that in your ad. I wish I could just collect gear and record albums and tour. I hate all the other stuff right now. Its fucking driving me crazy. it makes me not want to make music sometimes.”
”You're not the only one mate. That's why most of us drink our fucking asses off till we’re shit-faced every night, don't we? Its not an easy business once you're in. Welcome to the club. Don't let it get you down though.”

We talked about an hour. I wouldn’t have believed it if someone else would have told it to my face. Honestly. From buying an amp on eBay. You just never know.

Has anyone else noticed that its like a circus in the world now? is it just me? or does it seem like the world got shaken up as if we were in one of those snow globes and some giant alien came along and gave us a good shake; maybe we just don't know it. its like the whole world is crazy all of a sudden. the smiling talking heads on the news report on it heartlessly and emotionless, just trying to act like its business as usual. Priests fucking altar boys, perfect strangers getting married on TV for money, riots going on every other day in some country, people of the same sex are getting married all over the country is weird enough, but then on top of it you have the president trying to create a constitutional amendment to stop it---yeah that's what the constitution was created for pal— Was he AWOL during that class in college also? [one thing you can say for W. never again will people say that democrats and republicans are the same in America. that man is staying strong and committed to the republican platform, and for that you may not agree with him, but you have to respect him], football players signing contracts for 98 million dollars but millions of people not even having jobs. Its just crazy. its like we woke up one day and everything was insane. What next?

3-07-04
This thing with Martha Stewart. Crazy. Martha Stewart going to prison? I don't see it happening. Nope. Not going to happen. but if it does... wow. And you know she got duped by the people around her a bit.... just thinking that once you get to that level that there's no way something bad could ever happen. just goes to show. You just never know. so its better to ride it clean. Now if that ken lay CEO from Enron doesn’t go to prison... what a strange world indeed dear Julia....

I read Julia's letter again today. somehow and I don't know why exactly but it had a tremendous impact on me, receiving this letter. And starting to correspond with her again after so many years. Reconnecting with, as she puts it, “the keepers of our history...” Julia was my first crush. Back in junior high school. I met her when I was 11. I even took out an ad in the school newspaper to profess my love to her. I know, leave it to me. 11 year old junior high school kid to take out an ad in a newspaper to tell a girl who wouldn’t even speak to me that I love her.... crazy even as a young lad. but I soon moved and never saw her again. until college. But by then we both had boyfriends and girlfriends and things had changed a lot. She said to me, “Fishy you’ve always been in love with love more than any one person...” and I thought to myself in that moment, ‘how the hell can you tell that from a seventh grader?’ I thought that was such an astute observation. But things have changed again. now we converse like old souls who have touched each other for lifetimes. Sharing what we've learned over the years...
We have more in common than we do with a lot of other people in our own backyards. our souls have caught up now in this lifetime.

I am set on moving back to New York. Its not a question anymore. Now I am frantically running around making plans and taking action to get out of here and get back to America. I have eight weeks to get it all done and move out of here. I am in school for beginning French and the class is eight weeks long. I figure that will keep my brain occupied while I'm here and give me a good deadline. Going from 3500 square feet to less than a thousand isn't going to be easy. But as long as I get a bed and a few guitars and an amp squeezed into my new place I'll be happy. Anything is better than this right now... isn't that funny? That slow boil... one minute you're driving around with the music pumping, and the next thing you know you can’t wait to leave a place.... I'm walking around here like an alien from another planet. I'll tell you the funniest thing about Miami. from an American’s perspective. If you're white/American, and you meet someone new here at a restaurant or a club or a bookstore or where ever, you know the first thing they ask you? “You're not from around here are you? Where are you from?” cause the truth is that whites, or gringos as they call us, which is a word that means foreigners or strangers (ironically we’re called strangers here.... ) don't come from here, and they don't usually live here either. Usually just visit. But that's not why I'm moving. I have liked living and working amongst the South Americans these three years. I've perfected my Spanish and Portuguese here and I've learned so much about the world. But I feel this undying desperate need now to be in a world more aligned with my own interests, with people I can relate to more and who can relate to me more. Miami will always be home away from home to me. But I gotta make a new home. Starting over from scratch. Crazy.

We hired a new publicist today. She’s up in Boston. Super cool chick. Super smart.
“ Hi this is Fishy.”
“ Oh my God I love you!” she says.
“ Oh wow. Thanks.”
“ Your music is so awesome. I can’t believe it. I was afraid I would never be able to reach you.”
“ I got your message. Sorry it took me so long. So you like the new album?”
“ Yeah its great. I like it a lot.”
“ You think you can salvage my reputation?” I ask. She laughs.
“ I have been reading your press. You have gotten yourself in quite a jam. But I think in the long run that's a good thing. you pushed some buttons that's for sure.”
“ Yeah I guess so. You think you can turn it around? I mean all this crap about the new album?”
“ Well what did you expect? Honestly? You have a naked girl on almost every page of your CD booklet and every song on the album is either about sex or drugs or both. what did you really expect?”
“ I don't know. I guess I just want thinking. I was just in the flow of it. to be honest I never noticed that the girl was naked...”
“ How do you put out a CD and not notice that there's a naked girl on the cover?”
“ I didn't see her as being naked. I just thought the pictures were beautiful... seriously. maybe that's why we need a new publicist... someone to help out with that type of thing. if someone would have warned me or something, maybe I would have noticed what was going on...”
“ You singers are all the same.”
“ I doubt that. I've never been accused of being the same as anyone else before. that's a new one. But listen. If you can get people to understand it a bit more... if you can get people to get what I was trying to say, then you got the job. I mean that. I feel like no one got it...”
“ I got it. I think its beautiful Fishy. you guys did a great job. You made a great album.”
“ thanks for saying that. seriously. that means a lot.”
” I know editors who are going to get it. Who are going to feel the same way. You're just not hitting the right people....”
“ You think so?”
“ Yes I do. And you know what they say. Bad press is better than no press, so don't worry about it. its all good.”

We must have talked for an hour. Just going for it. Train speed conversation. Like lightening. I told her I was falling in love with her from our conversation. I miss intelligent conversation so much. Rapid fire jousts of the intellect. You just don't get it here. but like I've always said, Miami has more beautiful girls per capita than any other city in America. hands down. Bas says he's staying here until he meets his wife because no where else in America do you have a better chance of meeting a beautiful girl. I wish him the best of luck with that. But like I told this publicist today, ‘you know your mind is turning me on so much I feel like I'm going to have an orgasm. ‘ I swear to God I could hear her blushing over the phone. But I was serious. I don't care what a girl looks like. Say what you will about the aphrodisiac abilities of good looks or tons of money or a hot body, but nothing turns me on more than a smart person. Maybe I've just been in Miami so long that I've become immune to good looks... you don't even notice it after a while.

3-6-04
I have gotten my Inbox down to 125 unreads, down from 405 at its peak the last few months. What a good feeling it is to clear your inbox. I'm kicking ass right now. of course I'm working round the clock right now. no down time. no movies. No socials. Just work. And I feel like I'm ageing a year a month right now, but I'm compelled like I haven't been in months so I'm taking advantage of that.

Good week. Band secured national booking agency this week. finally. So it looks like we will be playing bigger venues for more money and getting to more people. [the president of the company is a Christian and a republican. I keep my mouth shut during the negotiations. Perhaps he has never read the diaries. Has no idea who he is signing. The irony....]

Called Nextel tonight because I lost my phone. The guy couldn’t even understand what I was saying. finally I ask him, “where are you now?” “I'm sorry sir. we are not allowed to divulge our location.” He replies in his best attempt to cover up his Indian or Indonesian accent. “Oh o.k. so you're not in America then, are you?” “I'm sorry sir. we aren't at liberty to tell customers that information...” “you know man, that sucks. I'm an American. I'm in America. you have all this information about me and my company and I think I'm calling an American company and you can’t tell me where you are right now? Doesn’t that seem a little weird to you?” “I'm sorry sir. that is the policy here.... why do you ask?” “well... uh... because of our economy and everyone is losing their jobs here now to overseas countries... just thought I'd ask. I know you're not in America. you don't have to tell me.” “well sir, Americans don't want to pay high prices for things so it is better for American companies to go overseas to hire cheaper labor.....” “yeah I know man. I've heard it all before. thanks anyway.” “Is there anything else I can help you with?” “No. thanks. Have a good night. or a good day. where ever the hell you are...”

So now Nextel. Another one bites the dust. When will it end? the truth is I don't think its going to end anytime soon. as I told the man trying desperately hard not to sound like an Indian on the phone, “its going to get really really crazy here in the states over the next few years as all these millions of people lose more and more of their jobs. Reading Forbes annual billionaires list today at lunch. 64 new billionaires joined the list. And the actual gross revenue of all of them increased by (I forget how much) % from last year. so now it really is coming down to the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. [I'm not saying this is a necessarily bad thing; for all I know this is the way its supposed to be---perhaps this is the evolutionary process in its most pure and pristine form. Who knows? But we’re watching it happen right before our eyes. [in the same Forbes issue, the wife of a very famous CEO of a very large company who has now outsourced almost 80% of their jobs—good jobs, college educated, professional jobs---out to another country in order to save money, asked her husband during the interview, “My God, what is going to happen to all these American kids when they get out of college and realize that there aren't any jobs out there for them?” America needs to create more industries where the labor stays here. I'm not against sending labor overseas that we can get cheaply. I think in general this is going to be good for us. because it keeps the cost of goods low for us and it forces us to invent new industries with new jobs that only we can do. [of course this begs the question, what CAN we do that no other peoples in the world can do?] I'm not an economist. I'm just a singer. so lets hope there's even a little bit of truth to what I'm saying.

Can’t listen to music right now. Nothing turns me on. Only opera and barely... I am thoroughly bored with rock and pop music. give me something new and fresh and exciting please! cant drink caffeine all of a sudden. Drives me crazy.
Last screening: jet lag, a little French romantic comedy.

3-3
Received a letter from Julia. Reconnecting with old friends from times forgotten seems to be the call of the times we are in.

Last night I killed a man in a dream. We were sleeping. Perhaps it was Cleopatra with me or an amalgam of several women from past and future. She whispered, do you hear that noise? I reached for my gun. I was too tired to open my eyes. I did hear the noise. Someone was in the house. I laid there with my eyes half open and my gun pointed out in front of me. in front of me I saw a figure. Fuck. Someone is here. I must protect her. I shot at the figure. He stopped for a moment but it didn't seem to affect him. so I shot again. my gun was misfiring. He stopped again as if I hit him but there was no blood. He smiled. Fuck I thought. We were fucked. I opened the gun and looked at the bullets. They were all messed up. oh my God. Cleo run. she ran. He ran after her. I ran after him. we all ended up in the kitchen. I shot at him a few more times. my gun was not working properly. What was happening to my gun? I have to save her I thought. I grabbed at the knives and got one out and stabbed at him. he did not bleed. There was no blood. But he fell to the ground. We have to call someone she said. We called someone I don't remember who it was. Told them that I just killed a man in the house. she consoled me. told me it was o.k. he deserved it. just then he opened his eyes. he looked very evil. I was very scared. he spoke to me. Everyone will know that you killed me, he said. And so I stabbed at him again in the chest and again and again. it was terrifying. He seemed dead. I stared at him lying there on the floor cut up. He was pale as a ghost. I awoke. What are dreams?

Met with a rep from universal music today. Good meeting. Learned a lot. Loves the band’s new CD, but slapped a bunch of reports on the desk in front of me and our attorney. Great CD guys, but you're not selling like we want you to be... [I'm thinking o.k. well then sign us and give us some money and we will...but it doesn’t work that way anymore...] they want you to already be selling hundreds of thousands of units before you ever get signed. I know our attorney was bummed. He thought that was going to be it. But instead of getting down I walked out of there inspired. I just felt like, ‘o.k. fine give me a few more months and I'll show them sales if that's what they want....’ I mean, if music isn't art anymore. If its not just art for the sake of art anymore and you can’t be signed on the basis of a rep loving your CD and not wanting to take it out of his stereo, then fine. We got that part down already. We know that. so if its all about numbers then we’ll give them numbers. How? Honestly, I don't know yet. but I know we’ll do it.

3-2
Super Tuesday they call it. and what a super Tuesday it was indeed. We played the best show of our careers tonight. a showcase for universal music group. just smoked it. we were on fire. I can’t sleep. Management contract offers are coming in to us now on almost a daily basis. And gigs. And emails from fans from all over the country everyday with the sweetest coolest messages. its so awesome. Tonight I found myself feeling very refreshed after a rough few weeks working so hard on the business aspect of all of this. day in day out six days a week running a label is hard work. just being on stage playing music which is what were supposed to be doing all this for. It was an exhilarating feeling. Sorry we didn't tape it. it was a great show.

Almost sure we are signing that booking agreement. We have shows booked in Texas, Indiana, and Illinois this month. Also talk of a European tour this summer.

Kerry swept the primaries. Dean won in Vermont even though he isn't actually a candidate, which was just as cool, because his people supported him, as it is weird. Because John Edwards is such an amazing person the talk is that it’ll be a Kerry/Edwards ticket, if they can talk Edwards into being a vp.... which, if we play our cards right and get them into the white house could have the potential of leading America into sixteen glory years. and I only say that half heartedly as any intelligent person would because in the long run who the hell knows how either of them is going to turn out if they ever are elected. I know a lot of people, family members included, who voted for bush because they thought he was one way, (God forgive them) and now they are just totally freaked out by the guy and regret ever voting for him and will for the first time in their lives vote democrat just to try to help get him out of there. so who knows really? Both Kerry and Edwards seem like great guys. real honorable men. Guys you'd be honored to have as your dad or your brother or your friend or your president. Only time will tell though what kind of men they really are.

For me its less an issue of political party issues and more about the issue of sincerity. Lets face it, the country is going the way the country is going. we can argue till we’re blue in the face about a lot of these things—whether its abortion rights, gay marriage rights, or free trade—the fact is that the people of America have already made up their mind. On both sides. No matter who you are or what party you are affiliated with, no president is going to take away a woman’s right to choose. Its just not going to happen. its not an issue anymore, even though to many people it is an “issue” that they feel very strongly about. but the fight is over. And more and more gay people are going to get married and slowly one by one more and more states are going to let them and let them have civil unions and equal legal rights. Its just the way its going to be. its called evolution. and it’s the same with free trade. I don't care if your dad did work in a lumber mill his whole life, you aren't going to stop globalization now. its gone too far. as a people we’re all going to have to get used to a lot of changes over the next few years. a lot of them. things are changing very quickly now. and life is going to get really freaky. If large groups of men standing in lines for hours to get married and Michael Jackson having all those adopted children and Arnold swchartzenager being the governor of California isn't freaky enough for you, don't worry, its going to get weirder still.

But the point is that these issues don't concern me half as much as just the sincerity of the person who is going to sit in office as president. I felt the same way about Clinton as I do about bush. Makes my stomach turn when I see or hear them speak because you just don't feel the truth in them. in fact, you can see and feel the untruths and a certain blatant disregard for truth emanating very strongly from them. to me that is a more important issue than all the other issues combined that everyone loves arguing about so much. Lets just get someone in the chair who we can be proud of and inspired by. I for one am sick of seeing the president on TV and feeling sick or embarrassed or sad or disillusioned. And I said that during the second half of Clinton’s term just as much as I'm saying it now. Lets become a proud people again. its been a while. Enough said.

Hey did anyone notice that Dennis miller like totally sold out? what the fuck happened to Dennis?

Radio promoters are all of a sudden crawling out of the woodwork to promote the sleep with you album. for an album that has been called the “worst CD released in 2003” you'd never know it by the eagerness these radio guys have in thinking they can blow it up at radio in the next few months. For us it’s a tough call because we already have our next album done. So part of us just wants to put sleep with you to sleep so to speak and just start promoting the new CD. we’ll see. If we were smart we’d work sleep with you a bit more. we loved that album. we just didn't expect such a backlash. We honestly never expected for a moment that it would be controversial in any way. We just thought we were making a good album with some of our newest favorite songs. The chicks on sex and the city talk about everything from one night stands to anal sex and they get the number one show on television. I mention blowjob in a song and I'm the anti-Christ. Go figure.

1-29-04
I know this doesn’t make any sense, but today is the 29th of February. Now we all know February only has 28 days. so today is ... Hhhmmmm... a freebie perhaps. We are in a time warp.
I am watching the Oscars. [ps---Sophia Coppolla.... I love you, even though I was slightly bored during your movie....] I like the Oscars much more than the Grammy's. they are much more dignified and decent. More intelligent, more sincere. Which is funny because they are all supposedly actors. But somehow they just come off so much more sincere. The music business has really turned into something kind of gaudy and cheesy and disgusting. Repugnant in a way. not a lot of dignity, even when they try. every year I get invited to attend the Grammy's and every year so far I have decided not to go. partly because I have never been nominated for one and so I just am too filled with jealousy and resentment for not being nominated so I figure I'll just boycott them till I get one myself... funny but you know I mean that's true to a certain degree. I mean we all take what we do quite seriously and are huge fans of our own work. So... you know I'm just telling it as I feel it, but that's only part of it... to me the biggest challenge has always been talking myself into taking part in something so like I said gaudy and cheesy and silly and all that. it all seems so clichéd and tarted up. it is hard to see art in the Grammy's, compared to say the Oscars, where for one night they leave the bullshit behind and really focus on the art of their industry. The Grammy's still come off like a bunch of high school kids trying to act cool. For me that's always been hard. The whole acting cool thing. I've tried. But I've just never been good at it. and that may be one of the reasons why I've never been nominated for a Grammy or even been too popular of an artist over the last ten years. a lot of what goes into the music business just isn't me. I love music. more than anything. I think every one knows that. and I love making music more than anything else in the world. I think that's probably pretty obvious as well. but what I don't like about the industry is the circus act side of it. so when I think of going to the Grammy's it makes me feel queasy. Like I have to throw up. it wasn't always that way. on the underground you can find DVDs of all the old Grammy award shows from the sixties and seventies and eighties. Those shows weren't always that way. I don't think the biz was that way yet. there was still a lot of amazing things going on. Artists had relationships with record labels for longer than two years. the industry fostered great art, where as now some great art sneaks through every now and then—I think we’re seeing that with linkin park and John mayor and Norah Jones and Dave grohl and so many others---but at this point the business is trying so hard just to hang on , just fighting for its own survival, that the only thing it is fostering is whatever finds a way to make money. so today's stars are tomorrows guest vjs on VH1 and next years where are they now episodes. Its like no one has the chance to develop as an artist anymore. Watching the Grammy awards one can see that. you can see that in all the glitz and gloss and fancy bullshit sets and all the lip-synching divas with fake tits and guys with fur coats and sunglasses in a hot dark theatre. its a lot of bullshit. so if you’re thing is just trying to make great music, trying to make great art in your own way, and that's your passion... then yeah even the idea of the Grammy's can make you feel a bit nauseous.... let alone going. so who knows maybe one day, but my true goal is to make great music, one great album. something like the wall or abbey road or born to run or achtung baby. I mean, that's the real goal. Or even more than that.... to make a better album... something totally different and earth shattering, and innovative and out there. something we've never heard before. people don't usually get Grammy's for that. but I think that's alright. It all depends on where your passion is.

But I digress, because that's not what I intended on writing about as I opened this most trusted of all companions. Watching all the people who died from Hollywood this year. really astounding. Its like huge numbers now of that older generation are passing on the last few years. it makes me very sad and very nostalgic. Buddy hacket and Buddy ebson and Charles Bronson and Gregory Hines and Donald O’Conner and art Carney and Ann miller and Gregory peck and Michael kamen and Katherin Hepburn and bob hope. All these people are fucking gone now. You just can’t believe it because we grew up with them; they are legends. They are part of us.
What strikes me again is how soon we forget. And how in one instant in time/space someone exists and in the next, they are gone from here. they do not exist anymore. We are here. I am here. you are here. but they are not. And we can only talk about them now. “Ahhh remember so and so... she was great.” This is the beginning of getting old. When we were little, do you remember how people who were older than we were would say “remember so and so...” or “wasn't that so and so.... he was brilliant....” but we were so young that we didn't know anyone that we could reminisce about. we couldn’t remember anyone. And I distinctly remember feeling as a child that if I didn't know about them or remember them then they probably weren't too important. Everyone we knew, and we knew so few people, were all still alive. Anyone who was dead was some old person that we didn't care about... the whole world was so new and fresh... and everyone around us was old. but its different now. people are dead now that we cared a great deal about. and people are dying around us everyday. And now God fucking forbid that we notice this, but there are people all around us who are younger than we are.... it’s a fucking horrible thing. I still can’t shake it actually. when older people used to tell us that time flies and that it seems like just yesterday when they were in school or whatever, we tend to look at them like oh yeah whatever old man.. but they were telling the truth after all. it does fly by. And before you know it, you're still walking around thinking you're in high school but then someone reminds you that high school was ten or twenty years ago. and its like you got hit in the stomach. you're like no fucking way man. For fucks sake we’re still in high school aren't we? Isn't this just a school play or something? how fucking old are we? And when did it happen?

I am scared now. For the first time in my life I am starting to realize my own vincibility. Starting to realize that I'm not going to last forever. Madelynne always used to tell me that my problem was that I thought I was invincible. If everyone dropped one hit I would drop ten. Always the daredevil. Jumping off of buildings and staying awake for days at a time till I dropped; smoking packs of cigarettes a day. just an insane life there when we were kids. And she used to tell me, ‘Fishy one day you are going to die from this and its because you don't realize that you can die. You just think you're superhuman or something. and the rest of us are going to suffer from your ignorance... is that what you want?’ I couldn’t understand what she was saying... I just couldn’t at that time. I didn't understand her. I guess I did feel invincible. I just never saw that there was or could be an end in sight. Life seemed so fucking large. And so looooooonnnnnngggggg. So I just lived it large and wildly. Its not like I stopped living that way because I started seeing what Maddie was talking about, because that wasn't the reason. I stopped living that way because I was getting tired of feeling so sick and tired and confused all the time. it didn't happen over night but I just started noticing that I wanted to be someone else. and now being just about as clean and sober and straight edge as a rock singer has any right to be, even in this state of clear-headedness I am starting to realize that this is going to end someday. I'm looking at Clint eastwood in the audience and I'm thinking fuck there he is but for how much longer? One day in the next few years he's going to be one of those names and faces that flashes up on the screen that has passed on. And every year each of us gets closer to that. to being part of the dead rather than part of the living.

And this is where it gets crazy scary, when you take it to this next level, which is what my mind was doing as I was brushing my teeth a few minutes ago. in a nutshell, what is so bothersome is that the people up there on the screen that we are seeing who have died this year... these are the Julia Roberts and the Billy crystals and the brad Pitts and the Sean penns of generations passed. I mean, that's the fucking clincher you see. Its not that we’re going to miss Charles Bronson so much.... I mean us, our generation, the X’ers. Because he wasn't that big of a deal to us. Or art Carney for that matter either. But you see these guys didn't always look like that. they weren't always old men to a bunch of young cool hip people. at one time they were young cool hip people like Owen Wilson or Ben stiller are to us now. but its not going to stay like this forever. one day we are going to watch them get old as we get old and one by one we are all going to die. And that my friends is the most fucked up thing we can think about. we are mortal. If this year means anything to me, it is the year that I discovered death. It is the year that I discovered the concept of my own mortality.

Even when I watched my grandparents die, it was like there was this tape in the back of me head playing ‘these people are old. They are dying. That's what happens to old people...’ but I never once ever thought that that had anything to with me or my friends or my generation. It all seemed too far away, too remote, too impossible to imagine. But I can feel it now. I can see it. and I don't like it. I hate it. I hate to say it, but everything seems like its happening right here on earth. We just have no fucking idea what's going on if anything on the other side of all of this. the idea of us moving on from here and leaving all of this behind and us just being a memory to everyone who is left.... its not a nice thought.

As I get older I understand more and more the necessity of these ideas we have developed over the years like God and reincarnation and heaven. When we are younger we can afford the luxury of atheism and nihilism and existentialism. We can celebrate them and revel in them and postulate endless theories about them over one too many cigarettes and endless bottles of wine. But as we get older, the need for there to be a God or a heaven—certainly not a hell, never a hell---or at least reincarnation, becomes more and more important. No wonder people get more religious as they get older. I always used to think those people were just old farts who were losing their cool and their brain cells, but now I realize that it isn't that really as much as its just that they're losing their fucking lifeblood and they are starting to realize it. the idea of consciousness lasting beyond the life of our mortal bodies can become a fucking obsession once we realize we aren't going to keep our mortal bodies forever.

And no wonder people start feeling the old biological clock ticking. This need to procreate. Just to try to extend our own life through the lives of others... well I'm starting to understand it now. no wonder woody Allen married his own daughter. I mean, what better way to challenge the call of your own mortality than to marry your own fucking daughter. And then if she has a baby and he marries that baby when she gets old enough then it would be like he's marrying his grand daughter... and then of course he would be free to hang out with a much younger crowd. its sick, but it makes sense. The man is smart.

I guess what it all comes down to now after all of this rambling, is what are we going to do about it? I mean lets just say that once we reach this point where we’re looking ourselves in the mirror and were standing there staring back at our own reflection and were realizing that were never going to be a kid again and were never going to be in high school again and were never going to be in college again with our hair down to our asses and thinking its funny that we haven’t taken a shower in over a week and were never going to find ourselves flying down the highway at a hundred and twenty miles an hour in the back of a limo drinking whiskey straight from the bottle with our head sticking out of the tee top and our hair blowing through the wind while our best friend is sitting next to us sniffing coke off of some hot chicks naked ass (o.k. maybe a few more times....) but the question is .... now what? What the fuck do we do now?

Current Spin: Lakme by Delibes. Absolutely fucking beautiful. And Humbert, plant the trees closer together. Brilliant. this is what rock and roll is all about.

1-28-04
We were contacted by a very prominent radio promoter today. He and i spoke for about an hour. He said that the band is making a name for itself and with the right push he could push us into mainstream radio. He thinks his best shot is the song Girls, Minnie Driver, or I’m not the only one if we edit them down a bit and take out the bad words.

What a conversation it was. Asked me if i thought our label had what it took to make it happen if he should start to get successful... I asked him what exactly he meant. What was he talking about? Tell me straight up and I’ll tell you if i think we can do it. Well its as bad as we had always heard. We had a heart to heart and he told it to me straight up how it works if you want to get real airplay or actually chart on commercial stations.

He can get interest if the song is good... but in order to get spins we need to give them lots of free cds, merch, and various other things like hundreds of dollars worth of gift certificates to Best Buy and other stores. We would be paying for spins and “adds” at certain key stations called indicator stations. This would cost tens of thousands... but its how it works. Its what gets the interest at the bigger stations.

Then once they start picking the song up we hit the bigger stations that are P1 (population more than 1 million) reporting stations; now these are all owned quite publicly, but discretely, by certain promoters already. Promoters who have worked these stations for years and decades even. In other words KUPD in phoenix only “adds” songs to its playlists from ONE indie promoter in essence---he pretty much owns that station and what they play—an old boys club—so if another promoter wants to promote a song and we’re talking any song here by any act, big or small--- then that promoter has to get paid first usually a few thousand bucks if he isn't working that song, and then the station itself would also want to get paid with free CDs to use as giveaways, free merch, gift certificates, rental properties, etc....

I asked him, it sounds a lot like payola. Like we used to read about years ago. But i thought that was all over. “Well that is all over now. But this is just the way its done. You get what I’m saying?” All kind of discouraging for an indie band, just because we don't have access to that kind of cash.... we would need a hundred thousand dollars at least to really push a song up the charts on commercial mainstream radio. It was helpful to learn how it works. A lot people i know complain about this. But i found it fascinating. I don’t think its as bad as people try to make it out. I mean, radio is a business like any other. People are always so shocked when they find out... “What? You have to pay to get played on the radio?!” as if that’s strange. But the truth is that radio is a business like any other. I mean you have to pay to get a show on television don’t you. Or in a magazine or shop at a store... it does help explain why the radio is so filled with music that you may not like and the music that you do like is never played. Because its not so much about the music being good or valid or appropriate for radio as much as its just about the company behind the music having enough cash to get it serious airplay. And again, i don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. Especially since now we have tens of thousands of internet radio stations to choose from out there that don’t follow this method... so its all good. Just a real eye opener. I swear to god i thought this guy was going to be like ‘hey give us five grand and we’ll get you a hit.’ And instead it was like ‘give us a hundred grand and we’ll try to get you some airplay...’ Crazy.

" The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side." - Hunter S. Thompson

Last screening: the magnificent Ambersons. This was the new version made recently with Madelynne Stowe who was just as enchanting as always. I so love films like this, anything like it. it takes me back to my youth, reminds me of my family before things got all crazy, when things seemed so much more civil and respectable. I know I sound like an old man, but as the years pass I have come to understand that sounding like an old man is the natural order of things for those of us lucky enough to survive for any significant amount of time here. It is our right. I still find myself incessantly vacillating between having one foot in the ivory tower and one foot in the gutter as I have all my life. I was always too liberal, too rebellious, and too much the lower class commoner to satisfy the aristocratic side of my family, which was a shame because it was in my blood, something that came very natural to me and at times, no matter how intermittent, I longed to feel truly a part of. There was that time towards the end, when as a young adult we were listening to my grandfather ramble on and on as he always did about the “lower classes” and the impending apocalypse that would inevitably befall America and mankind because of the “godless liberal media who were destroying the morals and values of the hearts and minds of us all.” I, being a very wise twenty year old godless liberal myself, made some comment that if he spent half the time he did preaching about the lower classes actually helping them that he could make a real difference in the world. That perhaps it wasn't our duty or right to just sit and pass judgment on the lower classes but instead to crouch down along side them and see if we could lend a hand. Something like this anyway. the table went silent. And of course he stood up and started shouting that it was only the peasant blood in me because my mother was an idiot and married my father, who at best came from a working class family, at worst, and more truthfully, a family with a long lineage of salesmen, farmers, and even carnies from what we are told, that made me speak this way; that if I was to continue to speak this way to him or anyone else in his house now that I was of age that I should not be allowed in their house anymore. I was very used to not hearing a word that he or anyone else said when their voice raised above a certain level. I grabbed my coat and quickly made my exit. In my car I popped two pills, lit a cigarette, and checked my reflection in the rearview to make sure that I still looked the part of the downtrodden twenty year old bleeding heart existentialist. I drove away as fast as I could down the freeway I swore to myself that I would never return to their home. And more than that, that one day I would make a great difference in the world to commoners and aristocrats alike, to liberals and conservatives both. One day I would avenge that moment and all the other moments that came before it.

I did not return to my grandparents’ house for many years. it is true. I boycotted all family affairs. And because secretly and sadly I told myself that I was too well-bred, well spoken, and snobbish to fit in with my father’s side of the family I avoided them entirely. they always made fun of me when I would visit them, and their poor manners offended me as much as my good manners offended them. So I was a very lonely young man for many years, which we needn’t go into here as I am sure there are thousands of pages in the diaries already recounting it from those days.
For the next five years I tried desperately hard to be an average working class kind of guy and fit in with the rest of the world. But no one would have it. The problem with being even slightly well-bred is that people can see you coming from a mile away. They can see it in the way that you walk and hear it in the tone of your voice. It makes them immediately suspicious of you. So trying to figure out where I fit in at all became an impossible exercise. So I stopped trying. I just started accepting who I was, and creating who I wanted to be. by the time I grew up and out of all of that both my grandfathers had already died. I was not sad. Instead I felt free. I was no longer bound to either side, but rather I could forge ahead and make my own path for my future family. But the mystery sometimes is what kind of path will that be... somewhere down the middle I guess.
Last night we were at dinner with some girl friends of ours and these girls started talking about their sex toys and masturbation habits. It was hilarious but at the same time I was aghast. They were describing things that they assumed that all people knew about and spoke freely about at dinner and everywhere else. I was in shock. And they were in shock that I didn't know anything about these things and they kept looking to Bas and Ferret and asking is he for real? “Fishy’s kind of been living in his own little world for a few years now... don't mind him.” somewhere inside I still hang on to this vision that all women aspire to be Princess Di or Audrey Hepburn. But the truth is that perhaps its only I that aspire women to be like this now. And most girls these days don't even know ... well you get the picture. But here's where it gets tricky. On the way home last night we were all discussing politics as is all the rage these days---there is nothing like a good villain to get the people excited about politics and government, and we haven't had a villain as wicked and sinister as W. since I can ever remember, perhaps never in our history. At one point I commented that I was a conservative liberal along with the others in the car, at which point everyone started to laugh and yell how hilarious that was. That I was even beyond liberal, that I was more liberal than most liberals if you could be such a thing. “Fishy you are the most extreme liberal person in the world! Good god man, don't you hear yourself? Have you never been to your own website?! You're beyond liberal. You’re radical. There's nothing conservative about you. You’re always talking about free health care for everyone whether they even work or not. You want to raise the minimum wage, start a maximum wage, whatever the hell that is. it sounds fucking like communism to me. You want to tax the hell out of the rich to help the poor, you think that everyone should take care of everyone else in the world whether they want to or not...” “Well they should want to don't you think...” “But that's just your opinion. You think gays should have equal rights,” “Well duh!” “You’re for affirmative action... and you’re always saying that all black people should get to go to college for free! I'm not fucking going to college for free man! What about me?!” “Uh well yeah, we only brutally enslaved them for five hundred years... i think we can give back now... you weren't enslaved man.” “You want us to give back the whole country to the Indians for Gods sake man and put us out on the street!” “Well don't you?!” “No! this is where we fucking live Fishy! You're insane!” “Yeah, but Its their country, not ours...” “You're an anarchist man. You think prostitution should be legal and drugs should be legal and that God and religion and government should all be outlawed! But if a girl says the word vibrator you excuse yourself from the table! Your insane man! Face it!” o.k. well now that you put it that way...

Of course none of this is true. I made it all up because I was bored this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. The truth is that I was born into a small loose group of gypsies and thieves in the slums of Paris, France in the early seventies. This is common knowledge by now. but you'd be surprised what people would believe if you write it. In my early years I met many men who claimed on occasion to be my father but my mother was never forthright in revealing who he really was. And I was never sure if she even really ever knew. the closest we ever came to aristocracy was the rich people we’d pick pocket in the center of town.

Last screening: Tavis Smiley presents the fourth annual forum on the state of the black family on C-Span. I learned so much. At times I felt like crying. Really moved. I took incessant notes. I added some of them to those I will interview in the coming months. The judge Mathis was a real character. I feel so much for the American black person. I cannot put it all into words, so I will not try.

jimmorrison says:
pardon me
G2 says:
whatever
G2 says:
jimmorrison?
jimmorrison says:
si
jimmorrison says:
fishy is dead
jimmorrison says:
i have taken over his body
G2 says:
dude i got a vision
jimmorrison says:
i was tired of lying around
G2 says:
you and i are millionaires after we publish GOD IS A WOMAN
jimmorrison says:
escachame un minuto por favor
G2 says:
we have more than we can spend
G2 says:
we are wealthy
jimmorrison says:
i like the vision
G2 says:
imagine how many copies wed sell
G2 says:
dude let's do it
jimmorrison says:
ok what is your idea for god is a woman
GOD is a woman says:
Ok i hear you
GOD is a woman says:
we write a small book, like whO TOOK MY CHEESE
GOD is a woman says:
who took my cheese
GOD is a woman says:
did you read it?
GOD is a woman says:
it's a 50 page book
jimmorrison says:
no
GOD is a woman says:
but everyone would buy GOD IS A WOMAN
jimmorrison says:
but everyone already knows it
GOD is a woman says:
on why we believe she is a woman
GOD is a woman says:
evryone would think about it
GOD is a woman says:
i desig the cover and proofread it
GOD is a woman says:
you write it
GOD is a woman says:
we make money
GOD is a woman says:
tons
GOD is a woman says:
sell it for like 17 bucks
jimmorrison says:
and if god really was a woman the world wouldn’t be so fucked up
GOD is a woman says:
i mean 7
jimmorrison says:
god is not a woman
GOD is a woman says:
yes, you could write it in a few days
jimmorrison says:
yes i could but god is not a woman
jimmorrison says:
there is no god
GOD is a woman says:
yes she is
jimmorrison says:
god is an idea we have to try to make things ok when they’re really fucked up
GOD is a woman says:
i'll write it then
jimmorrison says:
read TD chapter 118, verse 11
jimmorrison says:
what is the general outline
jimmorrison says:
by the way this is a pretty cliched and written about topic already you know that right?
GOD is a woman says:
god being a woman?
jimmorrison says:
this is like ed hale circa 21 years old---the goddess theory... have you ever read the early works of Ed Hale?
jimmorrison says:
its written about alot!!!!
GOD is a woman says:
i think god doesnt exist is more clicheid—I have read everything Ed Hale
jimmorrison says:
thousands of books already
GOD is a woman says:
really?
jimmorrison says:
yes bro i started studying it when I was teenager
GOD is a woman says:
forget it then
GOD is a woman says:
i saw us driving in the x5 like rappers
GOD is a woman says:
us
GOD is a woman says:
forget it
GOD is a woman says:
i didnt know
jimmorrison says:
thousands of college courses about it in universities
jimmorrison says:
called goddess study
GOD is a woman says:
god being a woman?
jimmorrison says:
yes
jimmorrison says:
goddess studies is a major at any college in the world
GOD is a woman says:
wow
jimmorrison says:
the study of god being a woman and not a man
GOD is a woman says:
no way
jimmorrison says:
of course
jimmorrison says:
the best book out there is called the spiral dance that proposes the most modern theory oin the subject
GOD is a woman says:
dude change that nickname
GOD is a woman says:
i fell ignorant
GOD is a woman says:
feel
GOD is a woman says:
ok
GOD is a woman says:
i changed my mind
jimmorrison says:
i met the author a few months ago
GOD is a woman says:
like you said: only smart people change their minds
G2 says:
lol
G2 says:
lol
jimmorrison says:
exacto
G2 says:
aight dude
G2 says:
forget my idea
G2 says:
but lets make fishy a book
jimmorrison says:
but today i nailed down an INCREDIBLE INTERVIEW!!!
jimmorrison says:
I SPOKE ON THE PHONE WITH BISHOP JOHN SHELBY SPONG!!!
jimmorrison says:
HE SAID YES
jimmorrison says:
I CAN INTERVIEW HIM ANYTIME ANYPLACE
G2 says:
bishop?
G2 says:
wow
G2 says:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/015696158X/104-3358482-1570302?v=glance
jimmorrison says:
i know
G2 says:
will you challenge him on the eistence of god?
jimmorrison says:
no
G2 says:
i'd love to see that debate
jimmorrison says:
he is already challenging it
jimmorrison says:
he is a revolutionary
jimmorrison says:
he says the same things i do already
jimmorrison says:
Jesus did not resurrect
jimmorrison says:
his mother was not a virgin
G2 says:
i know that
jimmorrison says:
gays should be allowed equal rights
G2 says:
ET impregnated her
jimmorrison says:
LOLOLOLOL
G2 says:
they said a bright being came from above and made love to her
jimmorrison says:
that bright being was me actually but the world isnt ready to know that
G2 says:
i am serious
jimmorrison says:
so keep it a secret
G2 says:
what guided the 3 kings was an UFO not star
G2 says:
dude the bishop looks like a KKK leader
G2 says:
what the fuck?
G2 says:
http://www.dioceseofnewark.org/jsspong/jss.gif
jimmorrison says:
he is classic
G2 says:
Can One Be a Christian without Being a Theist?
jimmorrison says:
i know!
jimmorrison says:
a brilliant idea....
jimmorrison says:
revolutionario
G2 says:
Tragedies, like the crash of the TWA Flight #800 or the rise of the AIDS epidemic, are investigated by this secular society without reference to the will of God
jimmorrison says:
what?
G2 says:
No weather man I know of refers to this phenomenon of nature as divinely caused to inflict godly punishment upon a wayward region, people or nation.
jimmorrison says:
exacto
jimmorrison says:
he is THE FUTURE
G2 says:
i will research him
G2 says:
he looks like a kkk leader though
jimmorrison says:
the future of our attempt to hang onto religion in the face of it not making too much sense to us anymore....
jimmorrison says:
dude if ram dass says yes i will take it as a sign
G2 says:
i am glad you're making new ways
G2 says:
expanding your creativity
G2 says:
cuz music isn't enough money...
jimmorrison says:
i love my music, but that doesn’t mean that millions of other people do....
jimmorrison says:
haha
G2 says:
but NIC will be an ed hale album
G2 says:
Ask him what he thinks about that...
G2 says:
Sb
G2 says:
im bk
jimmorrison says:
SB --- IM COPYING OUR conversation for the diaries...
G2 says:
dont publish my ignorance about god is a woman idea
G2 says:
please
jimmorrison says:
ok fine
jimmorrison says:
everyone always has all these requests... don’t publish this, don’t say that.
G2 says:
maybe ET mpreganated mary and the UFo theoery
jimmorrison says:
it takes all the blood and guts out of the diaries... it defeats the purpose of the diaries...
G2 says:
That’s funnier

Remember this is rock and roll. This is dirt this is grime this is intellectual this is the garage of the American mind. So don't fuck this up. make it rock!

Last screening: Citizen Kane. The one and only. Something brilliant. a bit too dark. Time before we all expected our movies to have happy endings... Perhaps not as spectacular or awe inspiring as the godfather, or schindlers list, or apocalypse now. But pretty damn close. But considering the time that it was made in, and the influence and impact that it had for decades after its release, one would have no choice but to wisely choose to include it along with those aforementioned other three for a tie for first place, but along with many others of course. Hey and lets not forget Shanghai Noon, hehe.

2-25-04
Went to the ENT doctor today to test my hearing and check the old vocal cords. The hearing test was fun. they play all these very faint and brief tones for you to see if you can hear them. it was rather primitive from an objective perspective. But I heard every single one and the nurse just stood there speechless. The doctor relayed to me giddily that I had the hearing of a seven year old child who had never been subjected to any loud noises. He said he had not seen anyone ever come in with such perfect hearing. He was absolutely amazed because of the extreme loud music that I have been listening to over the last ten years. I can only imagine what your hearing would be like if you had not been subjecting yourself to such loud music for all these years...” he commented. I was very happy and we were high fiving.

Then we moved on to the vocal cords. He shoots this spray down your throat and then sticks this long thin fiber optic cord into your nose and then through the nose down into the throat and then past the throat in order to look at the vocal cords. It is not comfortable. I kept gagging. Then he had me sing some notes as he watched and I gagged... but to our astonishment my cords were in perfect order. No polyps, no nodes, no swelling.
“ I hate to tell you this young man, but you have absolutely nothing wrong with your vocal cords. In fact for what you do they are in amazing condition. Just perfect.”
“ well then how come they close up on me sometimes.”
“ You probably scream too much. And you probably don't warm up like you are supposed to.”
“ Well that's true.”
“ Imagine a professional athlete going out to play a game without practicing all week and warming up that day, and stretching before the game. You just can’t do it. even though you want to. its not going to work. You need to warm up.”
He said that when I do sing and it feels like my throat is closing up that it is because I am screaming too much, which it doesn’t take a doctor to figure that one out, and that the cords swell up. that the only thing to do is to rest them. I explained to him that this is pretty hard to do when you are on stage singing. So he gave me a steroid spray to use when this happens and he says he hates to do it but he understands. Steroid sprays for singers are like shooting an athlete with a pain killer and telling him to go play on a sprained ankle or dislocated shoulder. You can do it but in the long run it will be worse. But I took the prescription anyway just in case.

We also discussed ears and Q-tips. He said to throw them away. get them out of the house. they don't work and they push down all the wax into the ear canal where it can start blocking the ear drum. “well then how come they sell them?” I asked. “Well... how come they sell cigarettes?” he replied.

It was a marvelous visit and we shared much in our brief time together. He told me he was very jealous and that he wished he were a singer in a rock band. I told him he shouldn’t be jealous, that in fact it was not half as glamorous as its made out to be, and that if I could come back and do it all again I would be a football player in the NFL.

Later on went to Zekes to finish mixing the new album. almost done now. tomorrow we meet with this company that wants to sign the band to management. They have flown down from Chicago. We shall see if they walk their talk.

Last screening: the importance of being Ernest, the late seventies BBC version. Again.

2-22-04
Gave a ton of interviews today with newspapers. You repeat yourself over and over again. always trying to add something slightly fresh to everyone and trying to honor their questions as much as the previous. Everyone always asks when will we be playing their town. its such a catch 22. every major booking agency won't take you on unless you are signed to a major record label and every major record label doesn’t want to take you on unless you are touring through a major booking agent. And this is even if you have great reviews, in the press a lot, selling a lot of albums, etc. say what you will about indie but I'm sick of it. I think its hard as hell. And if being an indie artist in this deflated industry isn't bad enough, try being an indie artist on tour. no, there has to be a better way. again, I notice, everyone has their opinion. But the truth is, get a hit on the radio, or draw huge crowds to your shows, or find some other way to sell millions of albums. But that's it in a nutshell.

Last screening: Barry Lyndon, 1975 Stanley Kubrick classic. Like all of his films very slow and boring but somehow still manageably appealing. The Barry Lyndon movie was wonderful. It has stayed with me. I think perhaps the cinematography is the best I have ever seen. It did win every cinematography award it could upon its release.

Current Read: why Christianity must change or die by Bishop John Spong. And continuing with the French history.

2-21-04
The ambassador is back! I can feel it all around me. there is magic in the air.

The Mel Gibson passion of Christ fiasco has me fuming. I cannot watch anything about it. it is difficult for men of truth to live on the earth in these days. it always has been. but perhaps today I would guess that it is probably easier than at any other time in our history. So lucky for us to be alive now. as zeke said a few weeks ago, ‘Christianity... it was the biggest scam perpetrated by man in the history of the world....”

When that interviewer lady asked me today why I was so vehement about the movie, I explained to her that its not like I'm anti-religion or anything. I'm certainly not against Mel Gibson. Braveheart? Hello? One of the bet movies ever. I mean, I'm not some one-world UN no religion type of new world order person. I love freedom of religion. I've been religious on and off throughout my life. and I'm glad that we have that opportunity. But at least with braveheart here's a guy William Wallace who set out to do something, and sacrificed his life for it and he did it. I mean he fought his whole life for the freedom of Scotland, and because of that soon after Scotland was free.

Whereas with the whole Jesus thing, here was the man who was supposed to be the messiah for his people. Israel. And he just couldn’t make it happen. he rocked the boat for a few years, ruffled a lot of feathers, so much so that after a few years, even the Jewish people who were really hoping that he was the chosen one started realizing he wasn't and so for them they had to make a choice. Either one, he starts saving them like he said he was going to and like the prophecies predicted that their messiah would. Well he couldn’t do that. or two he leave town for a while because he was literally endangering the lives of all of them with all the trouble he was causing, or three, they get rid of him. so according to the legends, they got rid of him. so even when we take the myths at face value, just follow the story as most people like to believe it to be, it really doesn’t work out too well. Because he didn't accomplish what he was prophesied to accomplish as the messiah or even as a decent revolutionary.

[now contrast that with Mohamed for a moment, the prophet of the Muslim religion. He on the other hand not only accomplished what he set out to—to unite and free his people, he accomplished much more. by the time they were done most of the middle east, Asia and half of Europe was under their control. He not only freed his people, this God of Allah that they obsessed on, he gave them half the fucking civilized world. The king of the Jews on the other hand gave the Jews nothing. Just more pain and anxiety. They weren't freed. I wish people were brave enough and honest enough to face facts. He just never pulled it off. That's why the Jewish people never embraced him as the messiah and that's why they are still waiting for the messiah to come to earth...]

But that's if you want to take the stories at face value...so that’s not even the worst part of the whole mess. The worst part is that a lot of the stories that are associated with modern day Christianity are just that, stories. And for the last twenty years or so more and more historians and even Christian theologians and priests are coming out and talking about it. Writing books about it. the catholic priest Matthew fox was a great revolutionary author who did his best to try to dispel some of the roman empire’s crazy Jesus myths so we could really get to the heart of the real story. Another man, the Bishop John Spong out of New Jersey has written some excellent books about it. now I am reading his “why Christianity must change or die.” An amazing book. Very brave. And there have been hundreds of books coming out now from historians explaining the facts as they more realistically probably transpired rather than the fairy tales that we are used to hearing in Sunday school and like Mel Gibson is perpetrating in his newest bloodbath.

Its not that I am against another Jesus movie. Its just that I don't like this fake controversy over something that isn't controversial. Mel Gibson is trying to create controversy to sell movie tickets. The real controversy is why has he made another story of Jesus filled with the same lies and half truths that we have had to endure since the roman empire first stole Jesus from the Jews and slowly started to twist the facts for their own devices. I wish someone would have enough balls to come out with a more realistic Jesus movie. Telling like it is as we now know it and understand it. Now that would be fucking controversial.

2-21-04
Dear Infinito:
I’ll send you a fax with the password, go to Brickel retrieve the password by renting a computer at Kinko’s and you’ll find the encryption to the FTP, then rent a satellite phone and wait for the coordinates to go pickup the key for the locker in the airport where you’ll find an envelope with instructions on how to break into the code with your cell phone. Stand in the palmetto at 8:45 pm tonight and count the last digit of each Chevy nova’s license plate, then multiply by 8277763 and you’ll get the password.
Sincerely,
G2

This business is like a roller coaster. It is constantly up and down back and forth. Wake up to a call from an attorney out in Calli who said he just didn't hear a single in the new CD and therefore cannot recommend to his clients, XXXX, to sign the band. [if this guy can’t hear singles in veronica, superhero girl, Minnie driver, or guilty, then what the hell is he doing in the business...] Get to the office to find a faxed management contract from a large company up in Indiana who swears that sleep with you is the best album they’ve heard in a year and they want to sign the band for three years. log online to find a magazine reviewing the CD and saying it was by far the worst CD of 2003. take a call from a booking agency out in AZ who says that he can’t take the CD out of his car stereo because he loves it so much, wants to book the band on a national tour. receive an email from Vida that says that such and such at xxx can’t sign the band because the lead singer is too old... but he loves the stuff and looks forward to our next CD. too much up and down... everyday. Compared to doing other things. I guess you just have to believe in it yourself and not even listen to everyone else.

2-18
This is a record of the times. the great city of San Francisco is opening up its pearly gates for gay marriages. People are flooding in to get married from all over America. Happening for days now. hundreds a day. its about time. I hope this is just the beginning for them here. we have a real shot of setting a good example to the rest of the world with the gay marriage issue.

Last screening: requiem for a dream. This is the most disturbing film I have ever seen. Made me feel like I was on speed the whole time. Along with happiness which is truly horrifying.... But what a great film it is nonetheless. shocking. Will stay with me for a long time.

2-17
Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by Justine Rivera (xxxxx@aol.com) on Tuesday, February 17, 2004 at 20:10:34
--------
Hi Transcendence,
We don't know each other, but I am big fan of yours. I have all of your CDs. My favorite is your New York CD. Maybe because I live in New York. But I also like your new CD sleep with you. I am sorry the critics are being so hard on you guys. They are idiots and me and my friends think it’s awesome. Beautiful one is my favorite song. I am glad you got the transcendence diaries back on your website. I used to read them everyday. I want to ask Fishy why you are writing the Blue Mask? I think it is very disturbing. It does not seem like something you would write. Any chance you will stop writing it? Or maybe you can move it away from the transcendence diaries so we don't have to read it if we don't want to but still read your diaries? Just a suggestion. Of course you can do whatever you want to. Keep up the great work! When will the band come to play in NYC? We can’t wait to see you live. Let us know!
Hugs and kisses
Justine

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I don't know why I am writing the Blue Mask. But I know I have to. I am certainly not trying to disturb anyone. But I find it as disturbing as much as anyone probably. More so I would imagine. But it is something that is inside of me. Never before have I ever felt so much like a fish out of water, forgive the pun. Me, I'm like that frog that is swimming around in the warm water that is slowly heating up, subtly aware that something just isn't right, but not doing anything about it. I'm not jumping out of the water. Soon it will begin to boil. And I am still here. Swimming around in the hot water now. Waiting. Waiting for anything. I looked at these pictures tonight from the original Transcendence line up. Back when Fishy was the ambassador. But I am not the ambassador now. I am not the Blue Mask. I am certainly not Tobias Guess. I'm not even Fishy. I am a man without a home, who lives in this big house. But home is not where you live. Home is inside of us. And inside of me there is no home right now. There is just an aching and a sadness and a longing. For what I don't know.

You can tell when you are reaching the end of something. and I can feel that I am at the end. I look at everything around me with a cynicism I have not felt in ten years or more. who am I? Who is this thinking these thoughts? This is not like me. and yet it is me thinking these thoughts. At least it is me who is watching the thoughts being thought. So we are at the end. o.k. I can accept it. but I do not know what to do with it. if I move, which is what I want to do, then I say goodbye to everything and begin anew. New band, new friends, new neighborhood, new city, new offices, new studios, new everything. is it better to suffer in familiarity? Or...

I like writing about it. The old spook said write so I am writing. I always wrote anyway. But writing about it helps take it and put it on the outside. See where you're at. And then I laugh. Ah hah, so that's where you're at? Oh now that's funny, I tell myself. This isn't like you at all Fishy. Do you have any idea what will come of all this drama? God I certainly hope something comes of it. Because I find it very boring indeed. All this woe is me stuff is tiresome. I say we get on with it. Hop back in the limo baby and let the show begin.

Well I know. Don’t you think I know for fucks sake? I know. Its me for gods sake. It is me after all. so I know. but that still doesn’t make it any easier. But it does seem like such a push right now. Everything seems like such a push to get anything accomplished. Such a strain just to do the most basic things. The talk show idea is taking shape though. That's a good thing. Today I spoke with a priest who wants to do an interview. That will be interesting. Still trying to nail down ram Dass.

Last screening: the kids are alright movie about the Who. WOW! And the new led zep DVD. WOW WOW!

2-16
There’s this: I have noticed that we grew up in such a manufactured world that when you do realize that something actually comes from nature as opposed to being man-made it can sort of shock you for a minute. I looked at this bottle of cinnamon earlier today and I thought, ‘I like cinnamon. I wonder how they make it...’ and then it occurred to me that they don't really make it, but that it comes from nature that way... wow, things still come from nature? I started trying to remember where cinnamon actually comes from... is it like a tree or something? That’s city life for you. You just don't even think about things like that. Imagine eating something that comes from a tree? As opposed to coming from some factory or plant or laboratory somewhere. There were days long gone when everything we consumed came from nature. And now, in the cities at least, it seems like everything we consume is more man-made...

“ Hey Om, what's up? Sorry I couldn’t take your call. I was on the other line...”
“ No worries love. How are you?”
“ Uhhmm... I'm hanging in there.” laughs. “That’s about it...”
“ Laughs....” “Its o.k. you can be negative. Let it out.”
“ Well you know its just one of those days.... just wondering what the use in all this is... how much more worthless can life get.... that type of day. the good stuff.”
“ Don't worry. It’ll pass.”
“ It will? Well I'm waiting... I'm fucking waiting... but its still here...”
“ I'm just getting out. I was in it for the last five weeks...”
” Five weeks?! Say it isn't so! No. I can’t even take a fucking day of it. You’re talking five weeks?! Uh uh. No way.”
” Sure. I'm just getting out of it...”
” Fuckin a. Maybe chicks are just better at that than guys. I'm freaking out all day today.”
“ God Fishy you are so funny. What's wrong?”
“ I don't know. I'm just thinking about all the friends we have that we don't have anymore.... you know?”
“ Oh that one... Yeah I know love.”
“ You know that one? God I hate it... I hate how we are friends with people at one time in our life and then we look back and realize that we aren't really friends with them anymore... God I fucking hate that.”
“ Yes I know that one. Well we’re still friends.”
“ I know. but that never helps does it... I mean, when we’re thinking of all the friends we don't have anymore, we just focus on them and we don't think about all the friends we still have or all the new ones. God I hate that. I really think I have issues with the whole friends thing...”
“ You are funny...”
“ Well I'm glad you are getting something out of my pain. its good to know that its good for something... I thought for a moment that it was just a waste... all this pain should be used for something...”
“ You should go home and write a song.... its always good for that.”
“ I know. But God how many fucking songs can I write about being in pain? I think I've pretty much beaten that subject to a dead and bloody pulp. Can you say that? what the hell is a dead and bloody pulp anyway?”
“ you just need to write a little. Get a good song out of it. tomorrow you’ll...”
“ I know. That's what's so fucked up about it. tomorrow I'll wake up and wonder what all the fuss is about.... that's the way it is always is... except with you of course who just stays in it for five fucking weeks! I couldn’t imagine.”
“ Welcome to my world...”
“ The agony and desperation of not having anything wrong in your life.... it can be a terribly painful thing... laughs...”

2-15-04
In the studio all day today working on the mixes. I am bored with this album now. I am ready to move on. I have two more that I would like to complete this year. One is modern and heavy and the other a return back to a more world-music style. How we will do this I do not know, but we will make it happen.

So what else old man?
I have learned that the older we get the less afraid of things we are. Before you know it, you reach a certain age and you can’t find anything at all that you are afraid of, which can be quite disheartening. At present the only things I can still find fear of within me are being sent to prison and raped—one can only imagine the terror in that, or being stranded out at sea and being slowly nibbled to death by a band of hungry great whites while you choke and drown, a pleasant thought indeed I know. I used to be very afraid of crashing in an airplane. But I cannot seem to find that fear in me anymore. I would assume that the actual plunging to our death wouldn’t last that long and if one tried perhaps they could fool themselves into thinking they were on a ride at Disney world or something.

As a man I used to be afraid sometimes of getting beat up by bigger men (I don't think this is a fear that women usually walk around with). You study fighting and martial arts for a few years and you don't walk around with that fear anymore. I used to be afraid of my house getting broken into by a bunch of crack heads, so I bought guns and studied tactical training. Now if you hear a noise in your house while you are sleeping, you don't waddle out of bed with a baseball bat, you jump out eagerly with a .357 and pray for the souls of the men who are in there.

Its true, if you're lucky I guess, the older you get the less fear you have. And in a certain respect that means the crazier you become. Crazy people are those without fear. Like those zombie villains in video games.

Because I don't want to be crazy I am trying desperately to create some more fears in my life. I did think of some last night. Being locked in a trunk of a car would suck and someone locking you in a clothes dryer and turning it on. That would certainly be at least a little frightening. If you have children obviously I can think of nothing more frightening than something horrible happening to them. Losing your parents is something that if I focus on I can become quite afraid of. Losing a limb or becoming paralyzed is something that is easy to become afraid of if you think about it for even a few seconds.

[on a side note we’ve noticed that through the advent of technology we are gaining a lot more access to others around us who these tragedies have befallen and through getting to know them on a more personal level it increases the general understanding of these conditions and hopefully lightens the stigma and pain of it for everyone. I remember I used to be kind of freaked out by handicapped people when I was younger, but then Madelynne started working with them and bringing them around the house all the time so I got used to it. People like Christopher Reeve as horrible as it is... its doing something... its opening us all up... I can see it from the future as being something that was very important for us all...

I have learned that pornography is like anything else. it can be really gross and nasty and lower-mode. Or it can be cool and valuable. Just depends on how its done.

I have learned that just because we think of something doesn’t mean its going to happen or that its true. Our mind is like a movie theatre that we get 24 hour a day free access to, which is great. Sometimes enlightening, sometimes frightening, always entertaining. But we have to remember that after all, its just a movie; its not real.

I have learned that life is not fair. And it is not just. Bad things happen to good people all the time. and good things happen to bad people all the time. There doesn’t seem to be any justice in the machinations of this world or any divine order to our lives here. this is where the concept of heaven originated from, and why it continues. People have a tough time with how things are here. I don't blame them. I do too sometimes. I think of two people who are close to me, good friends, who suffer from alopecia; they’ve lost all the hair on their body mysteriously. Just no fucking reason or medical explanation. They just have to walk around with no hair because there is no cure for it yet. Its not fair but it’s a burden that they must endure everyday with no end in sight. Much like the girl who was just born last month with an extra head coming out of her neck. Where is there order or justice or fairness in that? if there is a God or something or someone in charge of all things one would quickly conclude that he is quite nasty and even evil, so a lot of times it feels better to conclude that there is no God at all, or that perhaps there is but he/she just doesn’t have a lot of power so that's why things like this happen all the time. One just has to think of the country of America and all the Americans that were killed in order for us to live here, and now all these foreigners, including myself, roam around this massive country calling themselves Americans when the real Americans were all killed off. Its obviously not fair. Its completely unjust and yet we all just accept it and deal with it and try not to think about it. Again, I think we have an amazing ability to fool ourselves into creating this illusion of justice and fairness in our minds, in our waking conscious minds. People try to teach their children about fairness and justice when they’re young... as if something like it exists in the world... I think that if anyone really sat down and thought about it they would just go out of their fucking minds, coming quickly to realize that justice or fairness is just a myth at best, a delusion at worst.

Put a lot of thought into it. Some people will tell you that ‘it was just meant to be.’ But the more you think about it, the less you find yourself believing in ‘meant to be;’ the more you just believe in ‘it is.’ or ‘it was.’ ‘Meant to be’ is our way of trying to talk ourselves into a just and ordered universe. The truth is that it either happens or it doesn’t, whatever it is. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes other things happen. Sometimes nothing happens. It all depends on what we choose in every moment. And then there is that mysterious dose of good luck or bad luck that seems to accompany everything. I believe that's what we are now calling chaos theory. The great God Chaos. He's got his hands in everything.

Its funny cause you'll notice that if something really great happens to us we’ll swear that it was magic or perhaps even the hand of God. But if something bad happens to us we’ll say it was bad luck. That's an interesting phenomenon. But in a way, its not such a bad way to look at things.

But as much as I believe this, as much as I try to talk myself into believing that there isn't a ‘meant to be,’ sometimes I still cannot help feeling that some things were just meant to be. Isn’t that strange... I know me and Maddie meeting and becoming best friends was meant to be. me and Cleo too. as soon as I saw her time slowed down. Everything went into slow motion, like we were in a movie. You know you are in the realm of the ‘meant to be’ when things slow down like that. Cleo met the white knight on an airplane. Sat right next to him. Now they're married and have two kids. That's one of those things that seems meant to be.

In college I majored in philosophy. One of the great arguments of all time we learned is this very one. They call it free will versus determinism. People have been arguing over it for millennia. I sort of ended up right in the middle of it somewhere. Everything in philosophy was like that. it is the study of things that cannot be concluded. Philosophers spend their whole lives studying and arguing over things that cannot actually be concluded. That's what makes something philosophical. Puzzles without solutions. Jokes without punch lines. Games without winners. They spend years writing papers about these arguments, whole books about them. knowing full well going into it that they're conclusion no matter which side of the fence they end up on won't be right or wrong but just their opinion in that moment. I call that crazy. Why bother spending time trying to figure something out that can never be figured out? After a few semesters I decided I didn't much like philosophy. Life was confusing enough. I didn't want to become an expert at things that were confusing and had no conclusions. So I switched to studying literature. At least in literature we can draw conclusions. We can come up with endings to stories that make sense. We can make up the endings. That's what movies do these days. They make life seem like it was ‘meant to be.’ And that makes us feel good. That’s why we like the movies so much.

I have learned, or at least I've come to believe, that we’re not really looking to get married per se as much as we are looking for someone that loves us completely and that we can love completely. Marriage is more a cultural phenomenon. There are still plenty of cultures around the world that don't have marriage in the traditional sense and they human as we are. If marriage didn't exist, we’d still be looking for the same thing. our hearts would still long for a love that was pure and endless. Our souls would still be longing for that one someone in the world who we could love without doubt and without second thought and who would love us endlessly and completely. Marriage is a by product of this love. But I have noticed that a lot of people confuse the importance of the two. The real goal should be finding this love. I don't know if this love exists in one person forever. But I think we all hope it does. Even if we find ourselves in later years realizing that this love is in several people throughout our lives I think this is o.k. although I still secretly wish that it was just in one; that somewhere out there was this dream-mate... I don't know why we desire this....

Current Spin: rage against the machine, no shelter. Edie Brickel Volcano, Robbie Williams the ego has landed. Beyonce, dangerously in love. I really can’t believe it didn't get song of the year in all categories. I mean it was definitely THE song of the year. I voted for it. I think everyone else just gave it to coldplay to try to make things more fair or something... give the white folks at least one...
Last screening: the picture of Dorian Gray, the BBC version. and also that old Nazi film triumph of the will.
Current Read: still studying the History of France. I am up to the 1930s now. crazy country. filled with war, revolution, and turmoil. I start French lessons this week.

02-14-04
“ Present moment awareness is allowing the flow of attention, the flow of consciousness, the flow of universal intelligence, the flow of nature, to move spontaneously and effortlessly through our physiologies.” [I believe that Deepak said that]

So where were we? Yes.

I have learned that we have a capacity for putting up with things that are not optimal, or even healthy. But we do it anyway. its something that I've heard spoken about by a lot of people. Our capacity for grinning and bearing it so to speak, rather than just moving on, or creating change. I look back now on certain situations in my life. and I see it. places where i was that didn't feel so good but I stayed in them anyway. we get kind of frozen there... I would hope that as we get older we get better at recognizing these circumstances and better at jumping out and into something better.

I have learned that the two party system in America is a scam, perpetrated by intelligent people to get not so intelligent people to make choices that they don't want to and shouldn’t have to make in a civilized society; much like if someone was to ask you at the drive through at McDonalds what you would like as a side order. French fries or nothing. Take your pick. There really isn't two parties per se; there are many; and there shouldn’t be ideologically speaking any parties at all. Again its like the French fries at McDonalds. They can ask you what you want on the side, but you don't really have a choice. They only have French fries. And everyone knows it. so everyone just orders fries and doesn’t think about it. But lets face it; French fries fucking suck as a food. They're greasy, they're almost tasteless except for the pound of salt that they pour all over them, they have no nutritive value, they make you fat and ugly if you eat them, and by this time they are fucking boring as hell. But people shove them down their throats anyway because they don't think they have any choice in it.

Its like all those people who complain that Nader lost gore the presidency, which he probably did. Nader’s heart is in the right place; he just lost his mind somewhere down the road. And now the whole world has gone to shit right before our eyes since the puppet and his masters snuck in there through the back door. but in the long run I think it is important that more parties run than just the established two that have the collective mind of America brainwashed into making bad decisions no matter which way they vote. I have learned that trying to understand the left versus the right paradigm in politics is a waste of time because it is as confusing and convoluted as a girl who says no and means yes or a man who tells you he loves you but doesn’t call you for three days. it’s a game we play with ourselves that never has any winners.

The only reason that so many smart people lean more towards the democrat side now is because the people labeling themselves as conservatives aren't really too conservative any more. true republicanism, Jeffersonian republicanism as it once was hasn’t been around in decades; maybe it never was at all.

I have learned that opera is important
That Edward de vere is important
That port and cognac are important
Manners can be important
Although only on certain occasions.
There is nothing more offensive to certain people than good manners
Beethoven and Oscar Wilde seem to be quite important
Music is certainly important
If music is God then rock and roll is Jesus
Painting was once important
Although film now seems to be more important
Vacations are important
Eating vegetables has an air of importance
Beauty seems terribly important

I have learned to always carry a pen and paper no matter where you go and that a good shoe shine has a remarkable ability to seem miraculously life affirming at certain times, much like a massage, a clay mask or a facial, a manicure, a night of debauched drunkenness, or a good careless romp in the hay with someone you’ve never met before and pray you'll never meet again.

I have learned that people die. Everyday people are dying. It is the curse of being born. Our family members die. One by one they leave us never to return again. it is a tragedy that befalls all of us lucky enough to be born into a family and it is the saddest thing I can think of. I have learned that as much as my grandparents are truly dead, for I watched them both take their last breath, it is still something I cannot talk my conscious mind into believing. I still think of them as being alive. I still think of them as often as I ever did. Perhaps more even than when they were indeed alive.

I have learned that we will all eventually die, and what's worse, we will be forgotten entirely one day. if we are fortunate enough to have children all of us will eventually become ‘ancestors’ to people we will never know, people we cannot even form a conception of during our own lifetimes. This is the nature of being an ancestor. There is more respectability in being an ancestor. But I take more delight in being a descendent myself. Whenever one has to choose between being alive or being respected...

I have learned that studying ones heritage and genealogy is an important and very satisfying endeavor. Our limbs and leaves are how other people see and understand us. But our roots are how we come to see and understand ourselves.

I have learned that there is for some unknown reason a simple pleasure in peeing outdoors, especially when it isn't actually necessary but only for the mere unadulterated joy of it.

I seem to possess no sense of time or understanding of the importance of punctuality; in myself or in others. I could care less if people are late or even if they show up at all. In fact oftentimes I find myself relieved when my appointments are unexpectedly cancelled. And in return have no problem doing so myself at the drop of a hat. I don’t know if this is a weakness in my character or a sign of my advanced evolvement. But it does seem to upset many people, particularly people who appear to be overworked or undersexed.

Ps—I went to the opera tonight James Bond style. I had three seats reserved so I could have plenty of room to spread out and catch up on some much needed sleep. Because it is after all Valentines Day, Romeo and Juliet it was. I have decided that I do not like French opera. I found it boring and predictable and completely without melody; I left before the famous closing deathbed scene. Romeo and Juliet the opera is confusing anyway. A story that takes place in Italy, written by an English man, about Italian families, or are these just English families living in Italy... but performed in French. It just makes no sense.


02-13-04
G2 says:
Dude are you there
il ambasciatore says:
yes
G2 says:
Listen to this
il ambasciatore says:
What?
G2 says:
Holy shit
il ambasciatore says:
What???!!!
il ambasciatore says:
talk to me dog
G2 says:
We received an email today
il ambasciatore says:
yeah
G2 says:
From this lady out in California
G2 says:
Do you know this email address jwaxbrun@yahoo.com?
il ambasciatore says:
I don't know
il ambasciatore says:
not off the top of my head. Why what does it say?
G2 says:
She says to forward this to you. says she works for the CIA
il ambasciatore says:
I thought they were in Virginia or something
G2 says:
She says they already have Osama bin laden
il ambasciatore says:
really? Who is she?
G2 says:
     I don't know. I thought you knew her. I looked up her address and couldn’t find a name.
il ambasciatore says:
     Interesting. Email her back and tell her we said thank you
G2 says:
     I did dog. She says they caught him and they are keeping him captive until
     later on in the presidential race. I will forward you the email.
il ambasciatore says:
      o.k. please do. if that's true they are a wise bunch of evil-doers.
G2 says:
Can you imagine if they already have him? bastards. We will have no chance. You will have to move.
il ambasciatore says:
yes. I will move to France, like all patriotic Americans should do at this time. forward me the email. I'll check it out.
G2 says:
That would clinch re-election for the Dark Forces.
il ambasciatore says:
      maybe, maybe not. We’ll see. I don't think people are that stupid. I think everyone has had
      enough. We’ll just have to wait and see. But wouldn’t that be something... hanging onto him all
      this time just to try to get re-elected... the final straw that breaks our backs
G2 says:
O.k. I sent it. read it.
il ambasciatore says:
thanks. later
G2 says:
     O.k., let me know what you think.
il ambasciatore says:
     I will.

on with our story...

What has it been? Three days? Four or five days? I am not sure. But it is working. The writing is working. The reading worked somehow. Something is working. Its all coming together. i guess what it was was that I wasn't happy being in the void. I was in resistance to it. but after speaking with the medium I understood that it was o.k. to be in the void. I came out of resistance to it at some point in the last two or three days. just popped out. I am starting to see the infinite possibilities again. And more. I am starting to feel the magic again. for the first time in many years. I am starting to feel that spark of divinity inside again.

Tonight we went to Zekes house to work on the mixes for the nothing is cohesive album. doing things a little different on this album. a lot of sounds and noise. I get excited at one point at this one passage that is just lots of continuous feedback for many minutes. Sounded incredible, like a dream. Zeke thinks it sounds more like a nightmare. I'm jumping up and down. ‘oh man we are Grammy bound baby’ I'm shouting, joking.... zeke looks at me ‘hey just remember how you have felt from all those bad reviews of sleep with you because it looks like you better get ready for another round of them if you are really going to put this out like this. prepare for more sleepless nights in the fetal position, referring to all the heat we have taken for swy the last two months. [one recent review said that swy was by far the worst album of 2003. of the whole year. just thought it was awful. He took his whole first paragraph to quote almost all the lyrics to the title song sleep with you to use them as an example of how blatantly crass and crude and sophomoric etc that he thought it was... so he just didn't get it. not in touch with the fact that he has felt that way, we've all felt that way before. all the time. But I just said it, that's all. I just wrote it down and sang it. I was expressing something very real. Real thoughts that we have all had. in a very blunt and open manner. You know, we do have crude and crass and sophomoric thoughts like that sometimes. At least I do. That’s just the way it is. It’s animal consciousness. And that's all I was trying to do, explore that aspect of us. But we also have very sublime and brilliant and eloquent thoughts as well. I think we are big enough to carry both within us.]

So the new new album sounds great. We’re going out on a limb a little in a number of different ways with it musically. Lyrically it is pretty tame this time, thank God. But musically.... we’ll just have to see what happens...

Came home late and popped in the ram Dass biography DVD Fierce Grace. And I just feel so alive from it. He was my first guru. He's one of the only people I have ever read/heard that really KNEW. His BE HERE NOW is a bible for so many. Just brilliant. and here he is. great film. He means so much to me. Yes. The magic is returning. Something about doing all the writing the last few days. release. Relief. its been amazing. lightening up. feeling happy and hopeful. Something is changing as he indicated it would in his reading. It is a transformation. And its o.k. perhaps, as he had said, the old me is dying. And now all of a sudden I am alright with it. will I still sing? I don't know. will I go away and just travel and write forever? will we still tour? will we still make and sell albums? I don't know. will I go to France? Will I move to New York? Will I go to India for a while as was predicted? I certainly hope I take that African safari. I just have no idea. None of it. And I don't care now. I am just taking it day by day now. Whereas before I was just freaking out. He said it was going to be o.k. and as silly as that sounds, it was enough. Just to hear that. It was enough for me.

The last few weeks I have been writing and meditating endlessly on how can we help more while we are here. How can we help more? Do I turn my house into a homeless shelter? God that would freak the neighbors out. I mean what can we do to really make a serious difference. To seriously up the level of happiness worldwide for all of us? It has been an obsession the last few weeks for me. What can we do? ....

And then in the film tonight ram Dass recounts how he asks the maharaji, ‘what can I do to get in line and stay there?’ and the simple answer was, ‘love people, help people, and feed people.’

And I just started smiling and laughing. As if in some way it was a message for me too. for all of us. Thinking of how the last few years, especially the last few months more and more, I am just giving money away all the time now to people in need. Perhaps not the smartest thing to do, totally crazy in a way. Random giving. You see someone in need. You don't think about it. you don't judge them or yourself or the experience you just give them whatever you have in your pocket. Its an amazing feeling. And maybe you give them a hug too. and a smile. And you do this all day. Every day. Where ever you are. its wild. Obviously this is going to have to change. Become more organized. Less random. I mean you can’t be borrowing money every day from your friends because you are giving all of your own money away to homeless people all the time. But it is a good start. It’s that move in the right direction...

And then from there I started to build this portfolio of orgs that I donated to. you know like Easter seals, amnesty international, Greenpeace, working assets... and then you start to sponsor a few kids every month... that type of thing. and I think that's a good thing. I mean you're not really giving that much money. and even all that... one wonders.... what more can we do? .... even bigger.... even more... how can we go from rowboats to motorboats in our quest to improve the life of all people everywhere forever...

So lately I've started to think about how can we take this one step further? How can we do that times ten? Times a hundred? How can we make sure that everyone in the entire world has food everyday of their lives forever more? And good health... What can I do in the brief short life I have left here to help in a bigger, more permanent way? that's it really, how can we create bigger change in a way that isn't just giving money to these charities? Is there a way to create even bigger change?

That part in the movie just clicked something for me. Just made me smile because I knew I was on the right track with this in my thinking. and then you see ram Dass in his father’s backyard with his long scraggly hair and his long scraggly beard and his beads and he's just sitting there with like 3 or 4 hundred other people teaching them and talking to them, singing, chanting, meditating.... you realize.... you get it... you see the bigger picture.

For me it has to be a balance. I know that intuitively. I am not someone who can live in poverty or even in middle class. Its just not in me, its not my nature. I don't want to live that way in this life. So giving and helping and serving others for me I have decided and I think for every one if they so decide doesn’t have to be about giving up your own luxury. It doesn’t have to be about being poor yourself or anything like that. You can be rich as all hell if you want to and still give and help and serve and have that still be the main mission of your life.... Think of Anthony Robbins or Oprah winfrey both come to mind. So that made me feel good too. just realizing that for me.

Understanding where I'm at with it. I think for a lot of people they start thinking of feeding the world or helping people or you know giving all your money away everyday to homeless people on the street and they start getting afraid for their own welfare, as if maybe they won't have enough. But I don't believe this anymore. I think we can have both. We can be rich as hell ourselves and still just be giving away tons of money to help poorer people. Can you imagine the joy in that? Just the total fucking joy of it.

To be rich enough to have your own driver available 24 hours a day, which to me just moved up a few notches the last few months to number three on the list, taking over the cook position. I'm just not much into driving anymore, especially more than a few minutes.... but I digress. So the point is, you’re rich enough to have all of that more, the cook, the housekeeper, the assistant, and the driver, the helicopter, the jet, I mean having it all.... AND you're giving away a few thousand dollars a day to people who need it. Just throwing it out there where ever its needed....

And then from there you create your foundations etc.... but here's the deal. Do we really need anymore foundations? Doesn’t it kind of seem like we have all of that set up already. Maybe the only thing left to do is just give to all of these orgs that are already out there.... I don't know. I wonder where there is still need..... I guess that's the real question... what are the needs?

I have learned that we can watch our mind and not be a part of it. this helps tremendously. We can become the witness. And in that moment we can then decide how to experience almost anything.

Something else. better to tell the story. My alarm monitoring service at one time made a bunch of mistakes. Equipment was failing. Alarms going off in the middle of the night. things like that. I wrote them a letter and told them to fuck off; that they were history. They tried to uphold the contract we had with them. I told them the safety of my home was on the line and we weren't going to mess with that, contract or no contract. Someone actually called repeatedly until they reached me. at the time we were paying about $30 a month for monitoring service, standard. She gets on the phone and apologizes profusely. And asks me, “well what if we turn your account in to a month to month agreement with no contract and we lower your monthly payments from $30 to $12 per month for as long as you are with us?” it was a no-brainer. As a business person, I hung up the phone and was inspired by them. that was a good move on their part. They’ll keep my business forever. What's the lesson? Lots of them. Maybe, go the extra mile to keep every customer happy. keep them all. I remember reading some statistic a few years ago that it takes five times as much money to get an old customer’s business back again than to get a new customer.

What else?
Never waste a night tossing and turning. Take a walk or take a valium. But a poor night’s sleep is too dreadful to suffer through.

What else...
We age. Its true. I never used to believe it. but I do now. we don't notice it. but other people do. the older we get, the faster time seems to pass. Remember when we were young and the summer would just crawl by? It took forever till Christmas arrived again. and now.... forget about it. you know what? We get old. Its really true. and time just starts flying by... I just never thought it would happen to me. But I'm watching it happen to me and all of my friends. It’s a fucking tragedy and a curse.

Just because you're generous with others doesn’t mean that others are going to be generous with you. back in my first year of college, white bear sat me down one day. I was 17, and he was about 22. there were four of us sharing an apartment. “Listen Fishy I have to talk to you man. You're really generous with everyone. You are more than generous. And that's great. But that doesn’t mean that other people are going to be generous like you...” “what are you talking about dude?” “O.k. Fishy, its like this. I know this is your first year and all, but you can’t think that because you don’t care who eats your food, that you can just go in everyone’s cabinet when you get home at night and eat all their food. Everyone's freaking out. this isn't like you're living at your parents house anymore, you know what I mean?” I'll never forget that conversation. White bear was a great older brother to me for years. that always just stuck with me. I couldn’t imagine all of us just not sharing all of our food. But a lot of guys weren't into that.... their cereal was their cereal... like that... it was crazy for me getting used to that concept. Because I was so generous. Threw me into a funk for a few days. trying to figure out how I should start being.... should I stop being so generous with people or what? Getting used to playing in the sandbox with other kids...

Something else. just because you are sane doesn’t mean that everyone else out there is sane. I have a tough time with this one sometimes. You forget. And then you're talking with someone and you start realizing that they're just totally fucking crazy... that can get scary sometimes. And in the same respect just because you think that you are sane doesn’t mean that you are. I've been getting a sneaking suspicion for years now that I'm just totally fucking nuts and just don't know it yet...

Don't be afraid to borrow money. the sooner you start borrowing money, the sooner you're on your way to having real money. People wait so long to borrow. Because they just don't know. and then by the time they do know they're in the same position as pretty much everyone else at that age. The key is in borrowing early and borrowing a lot. borrow, pay back, borrow, pay back, borrow, pay back. the key to wealth. I've learned this over the years.

Something else... I remember once when I was about 6 or 7, maybe a bit older. My uncle came to live with my grandparents for a while, his parents. We were living there for the summer as we did every year. one day i looked in this drawer of his. I don't know if he was still staying there anymore or not. But I saw this huge stack of unopened mail in the drawer. I don't know why but it really made a huge impression on me. perhaps it was just intuition but it just didn't feel right to me. unopened mail.

I've learned that I am prone to what they call adhd. I never noticed it before because I was too caught up in it. I was like a fucking car spinning out of control all the time in my own mind. It has never been easy for me to focus for more than a few seconds on anything. Sit me in front of a computer and within five minutes I will have ten different things opened and started. Two hours later I will have not one of them complete. I've just always been that way. but I've learned this about myself now. Now I think its funny and quaint. I can observe it. I used to take things to slow my mind down. For years I lived like that. Mainly barbiturates of any kind. Anything to just get one thought instead of fifty going at once. I had no idea why, had never given it much thought; I just knew that without them I couldn’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes. Things just move so fast inside of my head, as if ten or twenty people were all in their at once, talking and planning and jabbering, composing songs, writing speeches, recounting dreams, acting out characters, recalling the past, and designing the future. Sometimes I sit and watch it all and wonder ‘where the hell am I in all of this?’ It is truly a circus. But the side effects are too numerous to live for too long on drugs of any kind. Whether prescribed by doctors or by oneself. You kind of have to be your own boss. Scold yourself. Force yourself not to start something new until you finish what you're working on. I noticed a lot of people are this way. G2 is like this. Drives me fucking crazy. He says it is because he is so creative. That's what everyone says. But no matter what the reason is, you still have to find a way to deal with it and overcome it or you end up getting nothing done and being a loser.

I've created a lot of coping mechanisms in order to coerce myself into having better concentration. I never stay in the same place for very long. As long as I move from one location to another every few hours I seem to be able to focus better. I use a football a lot. And basketball. Whenever I'm on the phone I stand up and walk around in order to give myself a break. I'm attached nearly obsessively to my handheld. That way I don't have to worry about remembering anything. I can just throw it in there and let it remind me of stuff. Things like that. I guess I've learned that one, you can be a certain way and not even know it for years. And two, that you can discover things like that about yourself---self discovery or realization. Like waking up one day and realizing “holy shit I'm a cat” or something, I would love to see my own cats have this experience one day. I think it would be terribly exciting to witness. And three, if one must, something can be done about most things. we can find ways of dealing with the cards we've been dealt. I think this is good news.

I've learned that incorporating is a good thing. America has some of the loosest business laws in the world. Its still very much the Wild West here. Going into business is easy. Making money is easy. Anyone can do it. Anyone can do anything they want to for the most part and call it a business. Its just fucking unbelievably beautiful. One of the keys to making money is saving money. And the key to saving money is incorporating. Whenever one takes up a hobby of any kind one should incorporate it. A man should always have four or five companies going at once at the minimum. I've learned this.

I've learned that the only reason we are American or English or French or Iranian or Israeli is for no other reason than that we were born that way. The only reason that we speak English or French or German or Arabic is because we were born that way. The only reason one is Christian or Jewish of Hindu or Muslim is because it is what they were born into. I have come to understand that to an enlightened soul there is no more honor or righteousness in being American than there is in being African or Chinese or Russian or Korean. No more justification or pride in being one white or black, or any one way or another. They are all just labels attached to us before we were even born. Obligations of necessity. The only real country one should feel any sort of patriotism towards is the earth itself and all of its inhabitants. The only real religion that should be followed or adhered to with any sort of seriousness is humanism, or humanitarianism. There is no race of people more noble and superior than humanity itself as a whole. Any thinking person knows this. But most are afraid to say it aloud for fear of being burned at the stake.

In this age when we could be at the dawn of our inevitable and true coming together as a species we must be very weary of anyone who waves any one flag too fervently; or who swears allegiance to any one God or religious book while leaving out the others. These are tendencies that have always cursed us and caused us as a whole lot of nothing but pain and agony since we have existed in this form.



Last screening: bonnie and Clyde. The original with warren Beatty and an amazing Faye dunaway. Wow. Have to research them a little now.

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Check it from our friends at nightline. For a second there I thought I was just crazy. Thought maybe I was just being the boy crying Wolf. Turns out I was just a few months ahead of the storm...
TONIGHT'S FOCUS: This country has long been wrestling with the issue of American jobs leaving for other countries. Lower wages, fewer benefits, worse working conditions... most of which make moving jobs overseas attractive to companies. But a whole new job sector has been moving to India, and it's already becoming a campaign issue.
Tonight we're not going to be talking as much about manufacturing jobs. We all know about clothing being made overseas, often in sweatshops. Much of the steel industry and other manufacturing has moved away as well. This has been going on for decades. But we were supposed to find comfort in the jobs that stayed, in the job sectors that we were supposed to excel in, and dominate: service, and high tech.
Well, as correspondent Mark Litke will show you tonight, if you call a major company like Dell or Delta or American Express, or if you need your X-rays read overnight, or if you need your taxes done... all of that may connect you to India. The person on the phone may be in Delhi, not Dallas. Advances in technology have obviously made all of this possible, but so has a booming economy in India and a huge growth of a highly-educated and aggressive middle class. Now there is an economic argument in favor of this trend. If it can be done cheaper somewhere else, why shouldn't a company do just that? And will that create new jobs here? But remember this is a political season, and jobs, and the poor job-creation performance of the U.S. economy, is going to be one of the major issues. One of the President's economic advisors is in trouble now, from both Democrats and Republicans, for saying, out loud, that outsourcing jobs is not necessarily a bad thing, and that the President believes that too. Needless to say, a lot of people are unhappy.
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02-12-04
The old man said write about what I've learned. How I got here. It has been an exercise that has benefited me more than I could have imagined at the time. So what else? There is so much.

Something small. I've noticed that people forget. One minute someone’s a star and then all of a sudden they're a nobody. Have you noticed? Yesterdays Prince is today's Beyonce. How does this happen? You know how you're hanging with someone and they say ‘hey whatever happened to so and so?’ and you're like, ‘uh nothing. They just released their best album ever last month...’ and the person you are talking to just has no idea...

I think this is something else. I think it has something to do with the majority of people and their unwillingness, or inability, to really dig deep for stuff. Unless things are kind of thrown at them, they don't really know about it. I think this can help explain the phenomenon of how bills and laws that can affect our society very negatively still get passed all the time. People just don't know it’s happening. And the people in control know this. it is what enables them to commit great injustices against us without our ever knowing it.

I think this might also help explain how the cream doesn’t really rise to the top. Maybe it never did. maybe it was just an old aphorism that we always wanted to be true but never really found to be true. the cream stays down towards the bottom, hidden from view a lot of the time. not all the time. but a lot of the time. it is the nature of sharing this world with others.

This is a record of our times. Massachusetts is voting on whether or not to legalize gay marriage. Personally I don't see what all the fuss is about. Marriage is marriage. Doesn’t matter if it’s a man and a woman or a man and a man or a woman and a woman. People fall in love and they want to get married. Why the hell not let them?

This ties in to something else I have learned. There always seem to be people among us who will put religion above the happiness of others. They will argue vehemently for their cause. And they will quote from their various religious texts as if it was the word of God. And to them, and this is the clincher, it is the word of God. Their God. We need to be compassionate to these people still. There is nothing inherently wrong with someone maintaining a healthy belief in a God if they so choose to. But we cannot let them in their quest to uphold the values proposed in their holy books stop others around us from being happy. There is nothing more holy than other people’s happiness. Many religious people seem somehow not to understand this yet. They will use quotations from their religious texts to keep women down, or to disallow gay people equal rights in marriage, and so much more. They are doing it right now. all over the earth. I have learned that when a person starts quoting from a religious text to prevent another person’s right to justice or equality or happiness, start running. There is an old saying that goes ‘only a fool argues with a fool.’ Simply put, it isn't worth it. They will catch up one day. Or they will die off. In the meantime, those of us who are more evolved, who understand that the happiness of everyone around is the cause of all causes, need to do our best to uphold this truth. Not just in our words, but in practice.

Enough said. On with our story...

The old man said write. Said I was in the void. I think a lot of us at this age are in the void. I have a feeling it may be natural at this stage. I do know that I feel better now than I felt five years ago. and I felt better then than I felt five years before that. That’s a good thing. That’s enough to give anyone hope. So I'll keep on writing.

What else have I learned?

I have learned never to keep gum in your pocket. It gets all messed up and you then you can’t chew it later.

I have learned that without the love of a good woman a man will age himself ten times faster. I don't know why this is.

I have learned that the earlier you wake up in the morning, the longer the day seems to last. For some reason it appears that time goes by faster at night. I wonder why this is?

I have learned never to pay someone all the money up front. Never. No matter what. People are never as eager to do a good job or complete a project when they have all the money. No matter what they say, no matter what they demand. No matter what their contract reads. Just don't do it. I have learned this.

And along the same lines, always put it in writing. No matter what. A handshake used to work in the old days they say. I have never found this to be true.

Something else. Always be the one who presents the contract. He who presents the contract is the one who is in charge of the deal. It has taken me a long time to learn this. and a long time to remember that I have already learned this. Time and time again you can learn this one. Master it and you will always be the one on top.

Don't forget to negotiate. If someone doesn’t want to do a deal with you, if they don't want to work with you, then you shouldn’t want to work with them. if they aren't willing to negotiate then find someone who is. There always is.

I have learned that love just may be the most important thing there is. I have tried to fight this one. Desperately tried to make it not so. But when I look back on times when I was in love they seemed to be the most happiest days of my life. There is something to it. Something magnificent in romantic love between two people. It is no wonder that it is the one thing that everyone speaks about so often. Why it is in the hearts of us all. this longing and obsession for true love. I used to think that it didn't matter. That money and success and love of the self were the most important things. But I am starting to think differently. I used to cringe at the thought of being married. Of being tied down to anything. To any one person or to any one way of being. But maybe it doesn’t have to be that way. Maybe we can create it as we want it to be. And more than that, that love feeling, there's just nothing like it in the world. It seems to be the key to life.

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In other news, something is happening right under our eyes. a little battle is starting to rage between the light and dark side of the American consciousness. The dark forces known as ‘the Bush Administration’ have most of the free world in the grips of an almost paralyzing fear of what they might do next. They sit and watch and silently pray for a miracle, that somehow, anyhow, the dark forces that are holding America captive will be defeated. The civilized countries around the world voice their concern politely, with levity and lightheartedness, but with fear in their eyes and in their hearts; they are afraid to do anything or say anything, as we all are, because as everyone knows, the dark forces that control this administration, now have control of all of America’s weapons of mass destruction, all of America’s money, and they have shown over the last three years very quickly and resolutely, that they will break every law, every treaty, every agreement, and every basic human understanding that we have come to over the last fifty years. all of the world’s hard work and effort and millions of lives lost in order to create a better more peaceful world are being tossed aside like yesterdays news by these new age terrorists. It is a new kind of terrorism that the world is witnessing now. Right here in America. Last night on the Grammy's, in his acceptance speech, Chris martin of coldplay made a simple comment about looking forward to our new president Kerry. Sting snickered. It is ‘that thing’ that is on the tip of every thinking person’s tongue these days. People aren't holding back anymore. Its like a little war is being fought. On the street s and in the press. And out of the blue comes this quiet soldier. A more valiant candidate for president I don't think we have had in decades. A war hero AND an anti-war protestor all in one? Is it just a dream? Could it be real? If it is true, I mean, if he is real, then he would be the epitome of the evolved American mind. The best that America has to offer itself and the rest of the world. Someone who gladly served to defend their country, who started out on one end, and came out on the other, on the side of the light. There could be no better example of why America is such a great country as this if he is for real. Here's a bit from CNN:
“ Kerry enlisted in the U.S. Navy in 1966 and served as the officer of a swift boat that patrolled the Mekong Delta. He left Vietnam in 1969 after being wounded three times. He was awarded the Silver Star, Bronze Star and three Purple hearts.
His campaign Web site says Kerry became an antiwar demonstrator because he believed that decisions "were being made to protect those in positions of authority in Washington at the expense of the soldiers carrying on the fighting in Vietnam."
In 1971, Kerry and other veterans threw their military decorations and dog tags onto the steps of the Capitol.
" This was an organization of men who risked their lives in Vietnam, who considered themselves totally patriotic," Fonda said of Kerry's antiwar group.
Fonda also dismissed attempts to link Kerry to her controversial antiwar past with the photograph as "a dirty black propaganda tactic."
" My reaction is that the American people have had it with the big lie," she told CNN Wednesday. "Any attempts to link Kerry to me and make him look bad with that connection is completely false. We were at a rally for veterans at the same time. I spoke, Donald Sutherland spoke, John Kerry spoke at the end. I don't even think we shook hands.
" I'm tired of the government lying. I'm tired of people desperately pulling out anything that they can do to hurt another candidate, and I think that the American people feel that way, too," she said. "It's a bunch of hogwash."
But the president of the Vietnam Veterans of America Foundation, Bobby Muller, said Kerry has strong support among Vietnam vets.
" We have been contacted by veterans across the country [asking], 'How do I connect to the Kerry campaign?'" he said. "I have not seen in the 26 years that I've been in Washington, ever, the kind of dynamic and energizing of a Vietnam veteran community in this country as I am right now."

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The old spook said write. So I write. Take little notes whenever something comes to mind that I have learned over the last ten years. Since the last “void.”

And from all the writing, the smoke has started to clear. The fog is lifting a bit. Just from the writing of it all.

A lot of the things I have written about are so vague, so general. A little voice whispers in my ear to write more personal, more specific.... so what else?

Sometimes you gotta walk away. and sometimes you gotta run away. sometimes you gotta just throw it all away. Just bail. Don't look back. I've learned this too.

On a lighter note,
Spreadsheets are important.
External backup drives are important.
Anti-virus software is important
Budgets are important
Espresso is important
Fine wine, Brie, and chocolate are all very important

I have learned that good friends are one of the most important things in the world. But friends can change. And that's o.k. sometimes we change and they don't. And that's o.k. we can move on. Sometimes they change and we don't, and that's o.k. too. We can allow them to move on.

I have learned that family perhaps is the most important thing in the world. To me at least. I used not to think about family too much. I used to think that money and parties and fame and getting girls and seeing the world were the most important things. But I've been rich, and had some fame, and gotten some girls, been to lots of parties, and seen the world, and I would trade it all for a home-cooked meal from my mom, or to share a smoke and a brandy with Beav or just sit and watch a good movie with him, laughing our asses off.

As we all get older, we get married and have children. Some of us do. and the more married and the more children that we all have, the harder it is for people to just get together and be goofy together or simply hang out. I have noticed this.

Speaking of all of that, I have learned something else. Be careful who you marry. Because they may end up raising your kids one day. And your family is pretty much marrying them too. so you have to be careful. There’s no going back. a good marriage can inspire and lift you up. a bad marriage can haunt you the rest of your life.

And about divorce. We have to find a way to let the stigma of it go. Realize that it isn't the worst thing in the world. Divorce happens. it doesn’t have to. but it does sometimes. And that's o.k.

People can move on. They can be o.k. with who they are and the decisions they make.

I'm noticing a pattern to all of this. That for every rule, for almost every axiom of truth, there is the other side of it just as true, depending on the circumstances.

2-10
So the medium said to write. The medium said not to worry and to write. I am still worried. But I will write. What else have I learned? Memories flood in. The lessons peek their heads around the corner when I'm not looking. Here's one. Things usually turn out the way you think they will. Yeah I know. Except when they don't. That’s the other thing I have learned. Sometimes they don't. but a lot of times they just do. Just heard from Metal Guru. Turns out that this guy that we all used to be best friends with back in high school who always acted really gay is now gay and living in NYC as a gay activist. Could have called it fifteen years ago. Knew it since we were kids. Saw it coming from a mile away. With hindsight now, looking back, pretty much every kid that acted gay way back in junior high or high school turned out gay once we became adults. So much for the religious right’s assertion that it isn't genetic but rather a matter of choice. I have a sneaky feeling I know who the next victim of the Blue Mask is going to be. But I won't say. Not now...

So what else? Yes this. This is very important. When someone lies to you or deceives you in any way, even if you don't catch them, but just have the suspicion of it, follow your gut and get them the hell out of your life. don't turn your back to it. no matter what excuse you might give for hanging onto them, don't. it doesn’t matter if they are a friend, or a vital employee, or whatever else you tell yourself to rationalize keeping them in your life, don't. just get rid of them. there is no need to explain it to them. if you were right, they will know, and you will then know instantly that you were right. never settle for it. never. Turn your back on them and walk away. it is the only way we will have a chance at upping the consciousness level on earth. People like this will only change when those of us who are not like this refuse to accept it.

Something else. Never settle for less than what you want. Just because something is o.k. doesn’t make it good. And just because something is good doesn’t make it optimal. I always use to tell Little Ash this back in the day. never settle for less than what you totally totally want. People tell you that you can’t always get what you want, and as much as I love this song, its just bullshit. Most of the time you can get what you want. Not all the time. But most of the time. But one you gotta know what that is. and two you gotta go after it. and three, you have to realize and accept that its alright for you to have it.

Something else. Reach out when you have to. a lot of times when things are fucked people won't reach out. we tend to start to retreat into our own shells, thinking other people are going to judge us or think we’re weird or whatever. but sometimes just reaching out to someone, anyone, can be all you need. the same goes for when you are looking for something. I remember reading this book by Harvey McKay when I was still a teenager. Something about managing your network. He was one of those business gurus who wrote a few books back in the early nineties. This book talked all about building your network of all the people you had ever met in your life and how helpful that could be not just to you but to everyone in your network. As the years passed I saw countless times that he was right. Often times what you are looking for is right under your nose. You just have to call a friend who can call a friend who will call a friend. Its that whole six degrees of separation thing. but remember that theory came about before the Internet revolution. I heard recently that now its more like three degrees of separation between us all.

Something else. You cannot go back. Sometimes we want to. The temptation is always there. But it never works. I have tried it a few times. Different things. Never works out. I don't think life is meant to be lived backwards. Always moving forward. I think that's just the way its so supposed to be.

2-9-04
“ Hello sir.”
“ Hello”
“ How would like to begin?”
“ I’d like to know what the hell is happening to me right now?”
“ I hear an echo. Might I ask where you are now?”
“ I am in the bathtub...”
“ You are in the bathtub on the phone?”
“ Yes. oh how wonderful. Water is a great conduit of energy. You are a true artist. that's good.”
“ So what the hell is going on? What is this that I am experiencing?”
“ You are in the void right now sir. You will be here until June or July.”
“ O.k. great. I know this. But what does this mean, in the void? And could you please stop calling me sir?”
“ Very well. Unfortunately spirit says there is not much you can do about where you are now. You are in a period of great transition. Are you changing careers at this time? Spirit indicates there is a change of careers at this time.”
“ I don't know what is happening. Feels like nothing. That's why I am speaking with you.”
” So you are changing careers?”
“ I am.... I don't know. I am aimless. I left a lot of things last summer. and now I am wandering... not literally, but in my mind and in my heart. It feels like I am searching.”
“ We are always searching young man...”
“ Perhaps. But for the last eight years I have been flying. Just kicking ass, and then all of a sudden, sometime last year, all that changed. Its like everything just seemed to come to halt. And now, I am not sure of the direction I am headed in...”
“ I can see that. a question. Your mother’s mother is passed on yes?”
“ Yes. many years ago. have you spoken to her?”
” Yes. She is looking out for you. She has a message for you.”
“ What is it? She was my angel. I loved her madly. She was always the one who was in charge of everything in our family. The sane one.”
“ She is still very much in charge. Even from the other side.”
” So what did she tell you?”
“ She told me to tell you to get over yourself. Get out of your own way.”
” Oh she said that? well... that sounds like her alright. what the hell does that mean?”
“ You will know in time what this means? Why do you not trust now?”
” I don't know what to trust now. it all seems so random. Everything is up in the air.”
” And why can you not be o.k. with that?”
“ How the hell am I supposed to be? I’m a thirty year old man. This is not o.k. for me to be wandering around not knowing what the hell is going on with my life...”
“ Oh my! You are just a pup. Do you know that Mick jagger is 61 years old. Elton John is 60 now. Both of them are also my clients you know. And you. You are only beginning to see what you can do. you have not even seen your true potential yet.. that is coming.”
“ Mick jagger and Elton John are rich as hell and by the time they were my age they had already achieved their goals. That is totally not fair to use them as an example. They’ve got nothing to do with me...”
“ You need to trust what you are going through. You need to trust spirit. Do you know that you are not going to be a bagman? Spirit has told me to tell you this...”
“ What is a bagman?
“ Like a bag lady. You are not going to be on the street. As you are afraid of.”
“ You can see that I am afraid of that?”
“ Spirit can. And it is not a concern for you. it shouldn’t be.”
“ Well that's good. well I sure as hell would like to know what’s going on then...”
“ Spirit says you need to write. Are you a writer too?”
” No. I don't think so. You know I'm a singer. But I write a lot anyway. it is a therapy.”
” One doesn’t know what one is sometimes. You need to be writing now. through all of this you need to be writing. It will be helpful to you and to others.”
” Well good. I'm glad there is something I can do. That I can do.”
“ You are a light bearer young man. Why do you not understand this? Do you know what this means?”
“ I have heard it before. Many times before. I used to believe it, but lately... If I'm such a light bearer, then why do I feel so lost? I'm not bearing any light lately.”
” And you won't. not now. You are in the void now. Until June or July, you will then come out of this phase... you are transitioning.”
“ There just isn't any magic now. I used to live this bright eyed life filled with joy and magic. Now I feel as if I am outside of my life looking in. No magic. What can I do to help this thing move along a bit?”
” Nothing now. You need to let go of that. That is the ego. Just let go. and witness. You need to let go of the mental chatter of the ego and trust this process...”
“ I am mad at God. This process is boring and stupid.”
“ It is o.k. to be mad at God. Do you know that? God understands. He has a wonderful sense of humor.”
“ So you believe in that? In God?”
“ Of course. In spirit.”
“ Well I don't. Not now.
“ You don't even mean that.”
“ O.k. fine, maybe I don't. But I'm still mad. What am I supposed to write about?”
“ It doesn’t matter. Just write. Write about where you are. Where you’ve been. Write about how you got here. How you feel now. What you’ve learned over the years....”
“ I could write about what I've learned... I could do that. I have learned a lot.”
“ That will be very good for you. You will need to keep your energy levels high in the coming months. There will be many demands on you. Everything will come at once. And it will be hard for you to say no to anything. There will be much demand on your time. you will be traveling from city to city...”
“ Well it doesn’t take a spirit medium to tell me that. But how do I get there?”
“ You are a feisty young man...”
“ I am a frustrated old man...”
“ You are not old. You are just beginning. You will be around a long time. Do you know that? I see 87 years...”
“ Oh now that's funny. You are telling me I am going to be around for another sixty years? that's crazy. who wants that? for God sakes. Say it isn't so... why do I feel like I am dying then?”
“ You are dying now. That is why you are in the void. That is what the void is. you are going through a death phase of the old you. you need to let it go.”
“ Yeah. O.k. I can feel that. So what can I do? I am bored with this death thing. I need some action.”
“ There isn't much you can do.”
” Should I travel?”
“ You may do whatever you want to. Just as long as it is for no more than four months.”
“ Good. then I will travel. I hate it here. I will travel and I will write.”
“ You have two houses? Where do you live?”
“ I live in Miami. I only have one house.”
“ You will have two or more houses. This year. You don't live in new York?”
“ I want to. But my band is here... “
“ I see you in new York. You will live in New York. Do you see that? I also see you out west. Will you be living in California or out west? Why do I see this?”
“ You’re asking me? I don t know... you're the psychic.”
“ You will be living out west also. You will have lot of money.”
“ Well good. I need lots of money. Anywhere but here. Too many memories... its not for me anymore.”
“ You can shift that. It does not matter where you live. you can choose to change the vibrations of your home. You can choose not to associate with those memories any longer. Do you know how to do this?”
“ Yes I do.”
“ I know you do. You know all of this. Why did you seek counsel from Spirit? This is what you already know.”
“ Well sometimes knowing things is different from knowing things. You know? I need direction.”
“ Your direction is right in front of you. You need to allow yourself to open up to the new you. you are growing tired of who you are being and who you have been.”
“ Yes. o.k., fine. I hate all that new age stuff. Who am I now?”
“ Only you know this. I believe that you know. You will need to trust this now. As your grandmother said, get out of your own way.”
“ What a goddess huh?”
“ She is a lovely woman.”
“ Yeah I liked her a lot.”

_____________________________________________________

I can write. That is one thing I can do. God its been a long time. I have learned a lot. I can write about what I have learned. I have thought about it now for a few days. What have I learned? I have learned that things happen. Things just happen. One minute Bas and I had cars. This morning his car breaks down. It gets towed to a shop. He has no car. Two hours later, my car gets towed for 12 unpaid parking tickets. Wow. That is unbelievable. “12 unpaid parking tickets? Are you serious?” “Yes. We have a court order to tow your vehicle. You will have to pay these tickets.” “Wow. What a drag. I'd love to say thanks, but you just totally ruined my day.” “Sorry guy...” You wake up one day and all of a sudden both of us don't have cars. Just bam! Out of the blue like that. Things do happen. People lose their parents or their children. Just bam out of the blue. People wake up one day and they have cancer or heart disease. Or they get fired. Or they find out that their husband or their wife is cheating on them. People wake up one day and find out their child has been shot at school. This happened three times in one week to three different children at three different schools here in Florida. And this was last week alone. And then there's that girl they found dead in Sarasota. Things like this happen. You wake up one day and you discover that your daughter has been raped kidnapped and murdered. All in one day. How do you deal with that? Bill Cosby lost his son to some random sniper on the highway in LA. Arnold Schwarzenegger became a governor of one of our states. A female surfer got attacked by a shark who bit off her arm. Things happen. That man who was saving his wife in a freezer for years after she died, hoping he could find a way to bring her back to life. This is life. it is crazy. it is only our deep seated need to make it not crazy in our brains that makes us believe, somehow, that it is not crazy. but it is. it is all around us. all the time. But good things happen too. People win the lottery. People get raises. They get promotions. People win Grammy awards. They win Primaries. They get married. People have babies. Things are happening all around us. All the time. This is something I have learned.

What else have I learned? It has been some time since I have been in the world of the common man. Many many years. Many years since I had even thought about it. or heard about it. But I am glad that I am having a chance to experience it again. I am learning a lot. Today I got to see a bit of it. First we had to go to the bank to get cash. And then to the courthouse to pay all these tickets. And then to this tow place to get the car. I got to see the world of the common man for a few hours. For the last few months I have been seeing it more and more, even since the change. Ever since I decided to.... I have been forced to live, not entirely, but close to the edge of the world of the common man. And I will report from the front lines that it is not pretty. It is not glamorous. It is not beautiful. it is not artistic. It does not love. There is very little beauty in the world of the common man. There is very little luxury. There is very little freedom. There is very little kindness to one another. It is fun. But it is all about survival. And when it is all about survival, not much else matters. This is something I have learned.

I have gone into and meditated on it. And it is because as people begin to live longer and longer in this world, they begin to lose hope. They lose that shining happy optimism that we all once had as children. They begin to resent one another more and more. you can see it in the lines at the post office and the dmv and the banks and the stores that people shop at. the people that work at American post offices are monsters. They are brute and cold. I have stood in lines at the post office lately, for the first time in almost eight years. twice now. The bank too. and I have been amazed at how rude the post office employees are to other people. I have been amazed at how people don't speak to each other in lines, where ever they are. I look around while I am in the lines. Everyone just looks forward or down at their feet. As if they are all prisoners in this quiet twilight zone. As if we are all just trapped. Don't get caught up in this I tell myself. You are not this. this is not you. God where is this? who are all these people being? Just standing here looking around and not talking to each other? Doesn’t anyone want to sing or something? I cannot get caught up in this misery that is the life of the common man I tell myself. I try to start up conversations with the people around me. People look at me like I am strange. why is he talking to us? he does not know me... why is he so happy? doesn’t he know how hard life is?

If you are not rich and you cannot afford to have people work for you, to do everything for you, then you are forced to do many things on your own. and it is not fun. This is the world of the common man. I understand why people would tell me, life is not easy Fishy. I couldn’t understand this before. I would look at them funny. God what are you talking about? Life is so easy I would say. But I understand now. and I understand why people drink alcohol. I couldn’t understand why people drank alcohol before. it seemed like such a waste of time and energy and brain cells. It makes you forget... who wants to forget? It makes you slow down and be lazy... who wants to slow down or be lazy? I couldn’t figure it out... but I understand it now.... drinking is the way people forget the struggles. This is something else I have learned.

I give money a lot. Even more now. the poorer I get the more money I give to people who are poorer than I am. Because I understand. Life isn't easy. And its not so much fun. Not as fun as when you are rich. Giving money to people makes it more fun. It makes it more bearable. I get a lot of joy out of it. Somehow, it helps my own burdens seem lessened.

I have been rich and I have been poor and then rich again and then poor again. now I am floating somewhere in between. I have learned that anyone who tells you that money does not matter is either lying because they have an ulterior motive, or they just don’t know because they have never been either rich or poor; depending on what they are when they are telling you this. a lot of middle class people will tell you this. but they just don't know. maybe they need to tell themselves this. I can see that. But money does matter. The truth is, the sad truth is that money matters more than almost anything else. it is the difference between life and death to many of us. it is the difference between happiness and extreme sadness. money is the difference between being healthy and being sick. It is the difference between being respected and being disrespected. And perhaps this is just here in America. but I have noticed it in every other country I have lived in as well. money, as unfortunate as it is, seems to be the most important thing in the world to us as humans right now. maybe this will change for us one day. but now. here. money is everything. some people will say that health is more important than money. but if you do not have money you cannot afford to be healthy. At least not in America.

I continued to think about this as I went though my day. I have started to listen more to people who have jobs. Cooper was telling me last night that he and his wife wanted to start their own business. but they are afraid... I looked up at him. hundreds of thoughts rushed to the surface in an instant. “For God sakes man, don't even consider the fears. Just do it. I see the looks on their faces. The working people. I see how tired they are. How worn out and tired... I have been self employed almost my entire adult life. before that, back in the college days, I had to work for other people. I became a part of the working class for a short time. a few years. I went from job to job. Fifty or more odd jobs... just going from job to job. It was devastating. It was disillusioning. It was disheartening. You are forced to associate with people you would not normally.

[I remember this one time I worked at McDonalds when I was I think about 14 or 15---my parents thought it would be a good idea if I saw what work was all about... which I thought was a ridiculous idea because I was already working day and night at my own stuff, writing and singing and songwriting; I was also madly involved with my chemistry set of course and with building things and inventing things--just being a kid. they just didn't see that I was working, so they thought I needed a “real job.” Anyway, I go to this job and all of a sudden I was just surrounded by all these strange people and forced to work with them. old ladies, and young guys, and middle aged people, it was insane. And truly shocking. And this one morning we had to be there by like six in the morning or something, and this old lady asked this guy in his twenties, “Good morning Ritchie. How are you this morning?” and his response was “Shitty.” And everyone laughed. Now this is something I will never forget. I mean its been more than fifteen years, and I still look at it as one of those defining moments of my life. I stood there in shock. I looked at the old ladies. Dressed in their McDonalds outfits. I waited for them to react, but they did not seem mad. I had never heard a person curse in front of a lady before, and certainly not in front of an old person. I was just totally shocked. I remember feeling disgusted. Just completely out of my element. I remember thinking to myself how sad and weird and scary it was that this guy would use this word shitty in front of these nice old ladies, and then how weird it was that they didn't seem to mind. This was my introduction to the world of the working classes. I would sit around at our breaks in what they call the ‘break room’ and I would try to talk to everyone about Kierkegaard or Nietzsche or whatever I was reading that week. And no one would ever know what the hell I was talking about. and God did everyone curse all the time. and smoke. Everyone smoked. I remember this one time I was explaining some jean Paul Sartre theories to this one lady during a lunch break---she was probably about fifty years old, and I couldn’t understand why she didn't know what I was talking about—I had just assumed being still a kid, that all adults knew about this stuff, but she didn't and it really freaked me out; she looked at me like I was crazy. I looked at her in that moment and had another one of those defining moments. ‘People that have to work like this do not know about the same things that I do. They do not seem to know about literature or philosophy. I will never forget that moment. It terrified and shocked me. I wondered if it was all adults? Was it just my own parents who were different? What was going on... it would be some time before I understood these differences in the classes.... but it was something that made me very sad. I did not like to see older people working. Or cursing. Or smoking. or suffering. Life began to seem very unfair to me. this was the time of my first big breakdown. Sixteenth birthday. Tons of kids at the house waiting for me. I sat in my room alone and cried for hours. Life was not turning out to be as easy and beautiful and dreamy as I always thought it was. Life as it turned out was kind of sad and unfair for a lot of people. I could not fathom this. it was an unbearable realization...]

So I decided early on that working for other people was not for me. It was everything that I didn't want and refused to accept for my life. By the time I was twenty I had already started tons of my own businesses. Cooper asked me last night, “But how do you get the money to get started?” I looked up at him with fire in my eyes. “You just get the money cooper. It doesn’t matter. You just do it. no matter what you have to do, you do it.” I couldn’t tell him everything. there are things that every entrepreneur in the world knows and understands and that remain simply known and understood and are never spoken aloud. “You just do whatever you have to do to get started. And that's it. you just do it.” I never looked back from then on. I worked day and night. I recounted this to cooper last night. to inspire him. and to reiterate to myself. By the time I was 28 I was well off. I could afford to buy whatever I wanted to. life was good. life was better than good. life was fucking fabulous. but more than that. much more than that, I had freedom. You see, even if you are not rich per se, you have access to cash. So you can start other businesses. One business yields another. and then another. You are not waiting for some paycheck at the end of the week. you are in control of that. he persisted in his fears of “what if we fail though and we owe all this money?” “Who the fuck cares man?” I yell back at him. “So you start over again. Last week bro I signed a note to a bank borrowing seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.” His eyes popped out of his head. “You did what?!” “yeah man. Its true. I'm in debt right now somewhere to the tune of 2 million dollars. And if we fail, I mean, if I fail at the various business ventures that I am doing right now then I'm fucked. I mean totally fucked. But bro, if you ask me, nothing is worse than working for someone else.” he just stared at me. and I stared back at him. he had on these old clothes. They weren't even ironed. He sports one of those twenty dollar haircuts. You could go on and on. I was seeing right before my eyes. the difference between working for someone else and being self made. I think this is just the mind of the entrepreneur. I don't know if everyone has this same mindset... but I think I was born with it. or maybe just learned it early on. My mom was self made. my grandparents too. I had watched it growing up. Watching adults go from nothing to something. working two and three jobs while they built their own businesses. My mom God bless her, by the time she was forty became quite wealthy. She went from a very poor and struggling young single mother of two to a person with more money in the bank than any of us knew how to spend in fifteen years. The American dream. Beav and I grew up believing in that dream because we watched her achieve it. So it was only natural that we would do the same thing one day...

This is something that I have learned. A person cannot live the life of true freedom if one is not self employed. You just can’t do it. unless of course you were born rich in which case you have business working for anyone at all, including yourself. it doesn’t mean that its for everyone of course. Some people are just better off working for someone else. but if you are working for someone else, your life is just totally different than those that can work for themselves. If you are self employed it doesn’t mean that you are going to work less than people who work for other people. in fact from what I have experienced, you are going to work a lot more. but you will be working on your own terms at what you want to. you will have freedom like no working person will ever know. You are your own boss. It is a thing of fucking beauty that is almost unmatched. This kind of freedom

But I have learned something else too. working for other people is easier in a way. you don't need as much motivation or initiation or inspiration or ideas or genius or will or even too much discipline. Sure all of that plays a part, but basically your job is just to do your job. That's it. Someone else is calling the shots, telling you what to do. your job is to listen. You do your job. And do a good job. And at the end of the week you will get a paycheck. Working for yourself is different than that. it takes a lot of guts. And a lot of ideas and a lot of overtime. You are constantly competing. You are constantly stretching yourself. Thinking of new ideas. Trying to make IT happen. Brainstorming. There might not be a pay check at the end of every week, for months or even years, you may not see that paycheck that your friends are getting every week who have regular jobs. And so that's the risk. That's the scary part. I've seen this too.

Here is another thing that is related. It is subtle. There is something that many people do not understand but it is the secret of the entrepreneurial class. All businesses that are out there are just businesses that someone started one day. someone just like you and me. all businesses. All companies. They're all just something that someone got the idea for one day and decided to create. Everything we use. Everything we touch. Everything we consume. Everything we walk into. Everything we buy or eat or drink. They are all just extensions of someone's idea at one time. And now they are making money with it. if you get this point, you start to get goose bumps all over your body like I have now. its intoxicating. You do not need to drink if you start thinking about business. it is a high all its own. I don't know what is more intoxicating. The idea of making all the money, or having the freedom, or the ability to use your creativity and profit from it...

I need to take a break...

There are other things. Lots of other things. One thing that really took a long time to hammer into me, into Cleo too. But I think we finally got it. Just because you are nice to people does not mean they will be nice to you. in fact, often times if you are a nice person you will have to be very careful not to show how nice you are to others. I understand now that there is a golden rule. But it is not the golden rule they teach you when we are children. The golden rule is this: Most people will fuck over another person in order to save or profit themselves. This isn't all people, but most. Almost all of them. and if you are one of the nice ones. If you are one of the ones who aren't this way, and there are very few, this will be a lesson that will be very hard for you to learn. It was for me. I didn't even start to get it till recently.

We hear this all the time, but we don't believe it. we don't want to. it’s a horrible thought. But unfortunately its true. People will lie to you. right to your face. And in the next minute they will act friendly to you as if nothing is wrong. People have this in them. I don't know how or why this is. But its true. They will cheat you, deceive you, steal from you, lie right to your face and still act like they are your friend or like everything is a-o.k. it’s a creepy thing. it is the accident that is humanity. It is a glitch in our wiring. And if you are not one of those people, you will feel fucked by this a lot, because you won't know how to deal with it. most people are afraid of the truth, so they just won't utter it a lot. But after a while you will start to get used to it. now I realize, I understand, that the nicer you act to most people, the more they notice it, and the more they notice that they can get away with.

You want to get everything you want? Be a hardass. Be it in a nice way of course. But the harder you are, the more respectful people will be. the more timely they will be. the more reliable they will be. Weird. But true. the meek have never inherited the earth. The only people who have gotten anything of the earth, even a little piece of it, are the meanest and cruelest, most selfish, greedy people throughout our history. Every little piece of earth that is owned right now, all over the globe, every country in the world, was stolen from someone else. Every country was conquered by a stronger smarter more vicious and cruel people. Golden rule? Yep. Golden rule. People will fuck you, lie to you, steal from you, attack you, whatever they have to do, to profit, or save themselves. I have seen this time and time again.

More? Yeah more. The weaker you are, the more people will take advantage of you. Again, it’s a glitch. You wouldn’t think it was this way. but it is. you would think people would want to help. But they don't. And I'm not talking about everyone. Just the majority of the humans that are on the earth now. There is a small percentage that are just totally different. Its as if they are more evolved. They’ve moved on. But they're pretty minor. [Remember the old tip that if you’re in trouble don't yell ‘help!’ or ‘rape!’ because no one will come to help you, but what we’re supposed to do instead is yell “fire!” and that will get people to actually pay attention. I remember hearing this as a kid and thinking it was so weird...] Think about people who are rich or famous. They get everything for free. And they can afford to pay for anything they want to. But then someone who doesn’t have any money, people just treat them like shit. Most people won't help them. People that are poor like this can’t get health insurance. They can’t get jobs. They can’t get housing. They can barely get food. They get no respect. They get no compassion. In fact most people will look at poor people in need disrespectfully.... they will try to hide from it. Run from it. I notice it in myself. We are all fascinated by wealth and disgusted by poverty. A rich and famous man walks into a restaurant and gets treated like gold, gets a free meal, free drinks, just for walking in. A poor man living on the street tries to get a free burger from McDonalds and gets the cops called on him. Go figure. We’re fucked. If man was made in god’s image... you finish it.

< This was the beginning of this section of the Diaries; it was the first mention of the ‘what I've learned’ entries; it is very similar to the 200 or so numbered ‘life lessons’ from a few years earlier. See the years 95 to 2000.>

2-8-04
Hey Fishy,
Why don't we do a little location scout sometime this week for your next talk show? I know of many different possibilities. We also need to get together this week to shoot you for the next music video. Call me. All we need is your room, television, VCR, A video or DVD copy of The Battleship Potemkin (Sergei Eisenstein) and the topless Chick.
Call me!

O.k. great, from the looks of it, sounds like we’re making some pretty freaky music video....

__________________________________________________________________________

Things have changed. I knew they would. But I didn't know it would happen this quickly. How long have I been underground? Days perhaps. I am hungry for more. My blood is beginning to boil. I have been reading the local papers. As it turns out my instincts were dead on with Paul. He told the story. He gave the message. Exactly as it happened. No more and no less. I knew he would. The press is having a field day with the story. It is only a matter of time before more join in. This is not just about me. in fact, this has very little to do with me. if anything I am the spark of it and nothing more. I understand this now. let the smoke from the fires of vengeance fill the air. The stench of the dead sonsofbitches who have ruled and trampled the rest of us for millennia will smell sweet to those of us who have been living in the shadows of their greed and malevolence for as long as we can remember. These are different times. Death and violence do not frighten as they once did. People welcome it into their homes with open arms. They pay their hard earned money to witness it every night on their wide screen TVs. They flock to it by the millions at their local movie theatres. Death is in. Show someone Janet Jackson’s tit and they faint from the shock of it; show them a good murder scene and they run out to buy the DVD. I will strike again soon. but not here. I need to get away from here.

2-7-04
Jazz is in Paris still. my heart longs to be there as well. She writes me. Sometimes what she writes is dreadfully boring. The obligatory mundane ramblings of an American in Paris. Sometimes it is quite brilliant and insightful.

Hey Fishy,
Tell me about the show up in Delray. How was it? What songs did you perform? How large was the crowd? Did you do fun with tronics, again? If so, how'd the crowd react this time? are you all still the misunderstood artists?

Here's some more ramblings about Paris for you. Shorter this time.

I look for symbolism in life. Today, I found it in the Paris metro. Hands
gripped the steel bar. I thought about how each one told a story. One woman had
the words "carpe diem" engraved onto a silver ring. Another older, dark man had
rough hands and dry crackly skin. I thought that each of these hands were
acting out philosophies. Hard work. Seizing moments. And I thought it would be a
great idea to take a picture of just the hands on a bar. One would be of a
woman's hand wearing a wedding ring. Another might be of a child. And another
might be the woman wearing the carpe diem ring. The headline of this photograph
could read something like, Wearing Philosophies.

Funny how everyone on the metro seems to pretend the other person doesn't
exist except for the occasional "pardon." Short smiles. Tired faces. Everyone
just thinking about their own existence despite the numerous faces before them.

love ya,
Jazz

Last screening: Baraka. THIS IS A MUST SEE FILM.

2-6-04
On the street at a café. People come up to you all the time. Shake your hand. Lot of times I cannot remember who they are but sometimes I recognize them. “hey what's up man how are you?” you know, stuff like that.... and the whole time I am trying to place who they are or where I know them from.... sometimes its just people that know you but you don't know them. you have to get used to that. Later, slipping into the back door of my salon, checking to see if I could get a quick trim for the concert tonight. My stylist is way overbooked as always, “uuuhmmm Fishy, perhaps you can call and make an appointment sometimes....” “o.k. fine, I will next time, but today you know there's this concert tonight and..... “

I'm standing there waiting to get started and I see this guy, he looks at me and says, ‘I remember the face but not the name...’ I think to myself for a second.... wow that's brilliant. I repeated it, ‘I remember the face but not the name.’ if only I would have heard that a few hours ago. it really would have come in handy. I was walking to the elevator a few hours later. I remember the face but not the name... what a line. you could just walk up to people and say it. even in the elevator. Just turn around and announce to some beautiful girl standing next to you, ‘I remember the face but not the name.’ she probably wouldn’t know what you were trying to say of course... but it just sounds good.
                       ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ Do you remember last week when I invited you to come over and I would make dinner?”
“ yes that was so nice.”
“ Well why did you seem to kind of blow it off? You didn't seem interested.... so I didn't ask again.”
“ I wasn't trying to be rude. I hope it didn't come off that way. I'm sorry if it did. its just that I'm a freak like that. I just think maybe that's something I need to save for my wife...” she spit out her drink onto the table in front of her....
“ You're married?! I thought you said you weren't married?”
“ No I'm not married. Gosh, I didn't mean to make you spit your wine out like that. that's good wine. Perhaps we can lick it off the table....? No I'm just kidding. But no I'm not married....” she gives me this look.... like is he crazy? “You know I have this idea that I am trying to respect my future wife. You know, I'm sure its very silly but It just feels like the right thing to do. making love and cooking for me are two things that are reserved for my future wife. Out of respect. You know....” she starts like tearing. Right there at the table during dinner. Like she's crying or something...
“ that is so beautiful....” she says.
“ Yeah I guess it is. I mean, I just think that if one day I am lucky enough to meet this girl that I love enough to marry and she is cooking for me, which is such sacred thing you know, I wouldn’t want to think that I had had that a lot with other girls... you know. only Maddie and Cleo have ever cooked for me and that's a nice thing to kind of keep sacred.... Hey you don't have to cry...”
“ that is just so beautiful.. did your mother cook for you all? When you were growing up?”
“ Yes of course she did. and she still does when we go home for the holidays. And that's really nice. but you know, you can’t make love to your mom. I guess in some states you can, probably Arkansas and Missouri and places like that... but you know not in New York or Miami... “
“ Fishy that's gross! You just ruined a perfectly beautiful moment!”
______________________________________________________

20th century music concert tonight at the new world symphony. I can never get over how good they are. Astounding. I have never been able to stay through an whole rock concert myself. I know that's insane but I just get bored too easily. I think the only one in my entire life that I ever stayed for the entire concert and by now I have seen just about everyone, was U2’s elevation tour. I had seen all their other tours as well and never stayed till the end, but there was something so magical about that one. I saw it three times actually. Just awesome. And van Halen. That was a great concert. Fucking stellar. But it’s never been that way for me with opera nor with classical music. I don't know why, but I just don't get bored during these concerts. Well I take that back. I do get bored, and often fall asleep, which is a liberty that one should always take advantage of when one can, but I don't get as bored as I do at rock concerts.

Four pieces tonight. Reich which was moderately inspiring, in an intellectual way, Bernstein which was dreadfully boring and enabled me to catch some zzzs. Maddie called during intermission. “Hey pups what are you doing. You sleeping?” “Yeah I just woke up.” “You in bed?” “No I'm at a concert.” “God you are so weird.” “Yes I probably am. But its fun being me. If it weren't I would probably stop.” “Stop what? Being you?” “Yeah.” “O.k. you freak... Hey listen I have something to ask you...” “What's up?” “Do you need money? do you need money for food? I don't mean to pry, but I know things are tough right now. Do you need some money?” “Well that's so nice of you to ask. Yes I do, but not like that. But thank you. I mean, I need a few hundred thousand dollars at this point. But no I don't need money for food. Not now. Perhaps in a few months I will I'm sure. But not now.” O.k. just making sure.” ”But hey that reminds me, do I owe you money from the last time I was in this position? From five or six years ago I mean? When I was broke. I think you sent me a bunch of money for a while there.... how much do you think I owe you? I should probably pay you back now before I don't have any more...” “God you're funny. Just shut up Fishy. And don't you dare send me any money now. Wait till you're rich again.” “God when is that going to be? I hate being poor.” “I know pups. But you'll do it again. You always do.” “Thanks Maddie. Gotta run. See ya.”

And then back to the concert. Stravinsky, the firebird suite. Well that's it isn't it? The fucking firebird suite. It doesn’t get better than that. Just unbelievable. And as if it couldn’t get better, la Valse by Ravel. Wow. Breathtaking.


Last screening: the Addams family, first one. a classic. Angelica Houston as Morticia... yyyuuummm. How could they get it so right? is there anything more delicious than she?
Current Read: Modern gentleman. Great read.

2-05-03
Bought the Discovery Insight Guide to France. First step as always. Don't ask me why... just following the flow. Studying their tumultuous history. Of course nothing can match that of Italy’s. So France will be a rather easy country to conquer after Italy one would assume. Although I still cannot understand a fucking thing they say. It is as if their mouths have something in them all the time... I don't think that French will be as easy as the other romance languages. Started renting French films to begin soaking it in. Me roaming around yet another country aimlessly. Drinking smoking and writing my life away without reason rhyme or purpose. I suppose it could be worse.

Last screening: the discreet charm of the bourgeois. This is a MUST SEE. Totally fucking without sense, like most French films. But somehow delightful nonetheless.
Current Spin: broken social scene, new one. Good indie tunage.
Current Read: history of France. 100 most influential people of all time. an Infinito selection of the month. Great read. Mohamed, Einstein, Gutenberg, Confucius, Buddha, Pasteur, Columbus, etc... this is true dilettante reading at its best.

_________________________________________________________________________
Insert KILL A MAN here
Soundtrack song

Today was the mother lode. I am still shaking. I am still smiling. I am covered in the glorious blood of revenge. It is sweet. Literally. Blood tastes sweet. It is a taste one can get rather used to. From head to toe. It is inside of me. it is underneath my nails. Smeared on my eyeballs even. it is all over me. I am in the dark of a sewer several miles outside of and underneath the city. I will rest for a while. It is night time now.

There was a time I remember, many years ago, when I was young and broke and struggling... I had noticed a strange charge on one of my credit cards. A finance charge of $35, and then a few lines below it, another charge for $275. I called the company. The man on the other end of the line explained to me like the good lifeless soulless puppet he was trained to be that that was an additional finance charge that they were charging me from now on. Evidently the bill had been paid late during the summer and now my APR had risen to an astonishing 28%. I laughed. I thought he was joking. He didn't laugh. He was used to this. this is what he did for eight hours a day everyday of his pathetic life. He spoke with men. And he spoke with women. And he spoke to single guys and he spoke to mothers of three. And his job was to explain to these people that there was nothing he could do, and that “a machine” had actually made the decision automatically. “We don't make these decisions ourselves sir. No one made the decision. Its just that when accounts go past due like that a machine automatically will adjust your rate accordingly.” “Well, you just yanked my rate from 6% to 28%. That's a pretty big deal for a machine to make don't you think.” He didn't answer.

“ well I can see you doing this to single guys, I mean not really, but doing this to single guys just to make more money that's one thing, after all this is capitalist America, but you don't really do this to people with families do you?” “We do it to everyone sir,” he answered in monotone. “We don't actually do it. a machine does it.” “So someone has told you to just tell people that a machine does this and that is supposed to make us feel better and make you all feel better for doing this to people?” He didn't answer me. “What is your name by the way?” I asked. “We don't give out our names sir. My extension is 8126.” “SO you don't even give out your names. I can understand why... let me ask you then 8126, how the hell can you work there? i mean, if someone is having a tough time paying their bills and they start paying late, its probably because they are having financial problems right?” “How can I help you sir?” he asked me without answering my question. “Well just answer my question 8126. Isn't that the reason why people pay their bills late?” “Sir I think people pay their bills late for any number of reasons. That is not our concern....” “But I would disagree with you. I would think it is your concern. Are you not human? Are you not one of us still, or has your coveted position as a Citibank customer service rep somehow morphed you into some kind of non-human? Do you not see that jacking peoples’ interest rate to 28% where they are forced to pay you over $300 in interest payments a month could bankrupt them?” “Sir how can I help you?” he asked me again like a robot, without feeling, without remorse, without any awareness of what he was taking part in. “Perhaps you shouldn’t have used the card if you couldn’t pay for it...” he finally said.

“ Hey listen 8126, I used the card because I thought I had a 6% interest rate as you promised in your introductory offer. Why do you play with people like this?” Our conversation went on and on like this for almost an hour. He wasn't going to do anything. There was no way out. I was trapped. I would be forced to pay them over $300 in interest alone till the balance of the card which was about $10,000 was paid off. At that rate it would take me about 40 years to do so. I was fucked. And what got me the most was thinking about all the people out there with families who were in the same position. Me, I could find a way to deal with this. I could get another card, do a transfer. I could get out of this somehow. But how the hell do you justify doing this to people with families? I just couldn’t believe it.

By the time I got off the phone with this man I felt so helpless and so uncared for. There was nothing I could do. My God the horror. Little did this tiny maggot of a man know what was to befall him and his coworkers because of that one fateful conversation that fall evening a year ago. People don't experience real justice in this world. People here in capitalist America think that they can do anything they want to other people and just get away with it. Feeling no blame or guilt or remorse. But I swore to myself when I awoke underground that I would change that. I am living on borrowed time. I know that. Anyday could be my last. But until that day comes, I will seek that justice for every man women and child on this planet.

It took me some time, but I had located the building where Mr. 8126 worked. It was not hard. Hundreds of them worked out of a customer service call center in Oklahoma. I entered the Citibank call center building innocently enough. I had a fedora on. An overcoat. Sunglasses and a scarf did their best to cover the Blue Mask. Underneath my coat I carried two automatic machine guns. You gotta love America. You can buy anything you want to in this great country. Even automatic machine guns. I immediately shot everyone inside the entranceway to the ground except the two women at the reception desk. They screamed. I walked up to them. one of them reached for the phone. I shot her point blank in the head. She fell. I asked the other one, “tell me where the call center is now!” she stuttered... “second floor...” “thank you,” I responded, and then shot her at least five times. I had always wanted to do that.

In the elevator I thought about it. These snotty ignorant uncaring sluts that work at these places just go about their day to day lives as the company they work for fucks over millions of their fellow Americans. They eat their lunch. They go home and make their dinners. Watch their inane television shows. And act like nothing is going on. While their “customers” suffer day in and day out. They tell themselves that everything is o.k. that they aren't responsible. That they can’t do anything about it.... well now these receptionist sluts are dead. Serves them right. it is about time that people started taking responsibility for their actions in this country. Perhaps as some people claim, it is just the nature of the capitalist system that we have here in America. That it isn't anyone's fault. But I never fell for that one. And you know what? Perhaps a man being able to purchase two automatic weapons and then walking into a call center and blowing everyone away is also just the nature of the capitalist system that we have here as well.

I got off on the second floor and began firing at every single person at every single desk in front of me. Lady in front of the copy machine, dead. Man at the water cooler, dead. Man at his desk too scared to move, dead. Woman at desk screaming, dead. Man running towards a glass office, dead. Bodies fell everywhere. “Tell me where the fuck station 8126 is now!” a woman under a desk pointed towards the back. “Thank you,” and I shot her. Right in the fucking head. I began to walk quickly towards the back of the giant room. Whenever I saw someone move I shot them. Once or twice or ten times. This was one of the most powerful experiences I have ever felt. No, I take that back, this was the most powerful experience I had ever felt. This is something that will last forever in the hearts and minds of America. Sure Citibank will try to make it look like it was just random violence and that it was through no fault of theirs. Sure they will play the media, shit they own our fucking media. We haven't had free press in America in decades now. these bastard whores don't care what they sell or who they sell. They have sold America out to the highest bidder and we the people are trapped in a matrix of lies and deceit so fucking deadlocked that the only freedom we have left is deciding which channel of shit to turn on at night after we eat our toxic dinners of radiated and genetically modified preservative-infested food. The people will know after today. This isn't one woman in the back of a store. This is huge. They will know it inside of their hearts. No one will speak up. everyone will be too afraid to stand up to these fucking monopolistic blood sucking bastards, but inside, the people will understand the necessity of this action here today.

When I found Mr. 8126 he was a cowering sobbing baby hiding underneath his desk. He must have been frightened half to death already because he could not speak. He just sobbed. I had shot so many people all around him, aqll    but I spared his life. it was obvious. Are you Mr. 8126?!” I shouted. “Answer me!” “8126 is my extension”... he stuttered. “So you don't even have the decency to tell people your fucking name! I grabbed him by his necktie and dragged him out from under his desk. While holding him by his tie, I took my knee and smashed his face into my knee about six times until his face was a bloody mess. “You selfish fucking soulless bastard! So you're the infamous Mr. Fucking 8126 huh?! ” I kneeled down next to him... he was crying like a baby. Tears shot out of his eyes, blood and snot dripped from his nose.... “Why are you doing this?” he whimpered...

I heard a sound behind us. I spun around and saw someone about thirty yards away trying to make a run out of the room. I yelled and shot. Must have unloaded twenty bullets into her. The fat bitch fell to the floor instantly like a big blob of blubber. “hahahahahaha!!!” I yelled. I quickly darted back around to 8126. He was just kneeling there crying. He knew it was over. People can tell when it’s over. What a pathetic piece of shit he was now that he was face to face with one of his “customers.”

“ Now where were we? Oh yeah. You were asking me why I was doing this right? but I don't know what you mean Mr. 8126.... Why am I doing what?” I kicked him in his face. He bounced back and fell to the ground. “Why am I killing all of you fucking criminals? You don't think this is fair? Is that it? you don't think that its fair that I have slaughtered you all like the pigs that you are? All of you heartless mother fuckers who take advantage of your fellow Americans, day after fucking day, with no mercy. Who fuck over your neighbors everyday of your fucking lives and then act like you’re not doing anything when you are on the phone with us?!” I pounded my boot into his stomach three times. ‘wham! Wham! Wham!’ “why am I doing this you ask?! Could it be the fucking 28% you stupid fucking robot?!” I yelled. “Stand up you asshole!” I jerked his quivering body up to his feet. Put your head down on your desk Mr. 8126! I yelled. “What are you going to do to me.... the pathetic little baby cried. “Shut the fuck up and bend over and put your head down on your desk Mr. Fucking 8126!”

“ my... name... is... Arnold,” he tells me all of a sudden. He was crying. “What did you just say you pathetic piece of shit?” “My name .... is Arnold Fein,” he stuttered. “Arnold Fein? That's your name?” I couldn’t help but laugh. “You are telling me your name now? NOW?! I call you in need, another person in need on the other end of that phone and you can’t even be bothered to tell me your name, you just give me some number at a desk.... and now that I am about to splatter your fucking brains all over this office, now you are trying to tell me your name?!!! God you are so fucking stupid.” I took the butt of the machine gun and jabbed it into his stomach as hard as I could. His body jerked over and he moaned, and then grasping for his breath. I kicked his face up with my boot. “You stupid fuck!” I grabbed him by his hair and smashed his head onto his desk. “Now just keep your head there 8126. And don't you think for a fucking second that I will call you by your fucking name you slave. You don't have a name! You haven't had a name in years. You are not one of us you fuck! Keep your fucking head there and don't move!” he was motionless and just whimpered.

I heard someone else sobbing close to us. In the desk next to this mans, I looked under the desk and there was this Hispanic woman hiding under her desk with her hands over her head. I pointed to her. “You. Get up. Get out from under there.” she started crawling towards me on her hands and knees. Crying like a baby. Pathetic. “Look at me.” she tried to look at me but couldn’t force herself to. Her makeup was running all over her face from crying so much. “What do you do? What is your job?” “Customer service...” she stuttered out. “Customer service? Isn't that what 8126 does here? 8126, isn't that what you do? Customer service?” “yes.” he responded but he didn't move his head from his desk. “so you're a greedy selfish uncaring bastard just like this guy then? Do you enjoy fucking people over bitch?” she did not answer. She just sobbed. “o.k. bitch. Watch Mr. 8126. Watch what happens to customer service reps like all of you pieces of shit.” I turned around to face 8126. “8126 are you ready to die?!” I screamed. “Don't shoot me...” he managed to stammer... “I'm not going to shoot you asshole. I didn't come all this way to shoot you.” I grabbed his phone from his desk and ripped the cable out of the wall. I then proceeded to smash it on his head that was lying there on his desk. I smashed his head three times straight, very quickly. The Hispanic woman screamed and cried. now she was hysterical. Which made it all the more fun. Not much blood actually. But his body fell to the ground next to his desk. He was still conscious but his face was a mess. He moaned.

“ How can I help you 8126?! How can I help you?!” I yelled to him as he lay there quivering and bleeding. “Let me live” he sputtered out. “Let you live?! Oh I'm sorry Mr. 8126, I can’t do that. only a machine can do that!” I yelled and then kicked him in the stomach about five times as hard as I could. His body coiled. “28% interest Mr. 8126?! Do you know why you are dying you piece of shit?!” I yelled. I smashed his phone on his head repeatedly. Each time there was more and more blood. And each time the lady on the floor next to us who was afraid to even move screamed louder and louder. “No one made the decision sir.” I teased him as I continued to hit him in the head and kick him. “A machine made the decision! Machines make the decisions sir.” I continued to beat his head with his phone till all I could see was a bloody mess. “There is nothing I can do! Isn't that right Mr. 8126?! I can’t help you sir. I just work here. It doesn’t matter what I think sir.... Do you remember how many times you said those same words to people you fucking piece of shit?!!! I continued to smash his head until I literally crushed his skull. He had no face left. I stood up and kicked him in the stomach five more times. Maybe ten. I did not shoot him. I was covered in his blood. Mr. 8126 had learned the lesson of a lifetime. Too bad he had to sacrifice his life to do so. But chances are that many people over the years had pleaded with him. begged him for mercy. And he did nothing. Just like he did with me on that phone that fateful day. little did he know what would come of it.

I looked up at the Hispanic customer service rep. Blood all over me. She was in shock. She could not stop screaming. She had her hands up in the air. I stared at her. I was breathing very heavy. “Shut up lady! You're fucking driving me crazy.” she started praying I think. I could hear her under her breath. She was praying to the Virgin Mary. “You fucking bitch. Listen to yourself. you spend all day ripping people off. Ruining people’s days. Destroying peoples’ credit and destroying their lives. And where is your fucking Virgin Mary then? Huh? I grabbed her by the hair and looked her right in the eye. She could see my blood stained eyes peering at her through my mask. I must have looked like a demon by this point. I must have killed over fifty people so far. my blood was boiling. “Where is your fucking God when you are sacrificing your neighbors and your fellow man on the other end of that phone you selfish bitch. And now you are praying when YOU are in trouble? All of you religious people are the same.” I stood up. She just sat there with her arms in the air, chanting or praying over and over again.... “Stay on your knees. Say your sorry. Tell me that you are fucking sorry for all the pain you have caused people over the years.” “I'm sorry...” she barely whispered. “What did you say? I couldn’t hear you. Say it again.” “iiiiiiiiimmmmmmm sooooorrrrrryyyyy!” she screamed bloody murder. Before she even got the chance to finish I just shot her right in the head. God that felt good. She just dropped. I shot her a few more times. and then I turned around and looked at poor Mr. 8126. Beneath his twisted and disfigured head was a mass of blood. He was dead already. I shot him a few times anyway. His body jumped a bit. I was tired. I stepped over his body and started to head for the stairwell.

As I was walking towards the stairwell I heard a lot of crying. A lot of whimpering. People hiding. People injured but not quite dead yet. But I was tired. I was tired of killing. I was tired of shouting. I needed to rest. I needed to exit quickly and get underground. I heard someone behind a door. I opened it quickly and raised my gun to shoot. There was a young guy standing there crowded in the closet with one of his feet in a fucking mop bucket. “Get out,” I said. “Don’t kill me.” he cried. He looked like he wasn't older than 20 years. “What's your name?” “My name is Paul.” He could barely speak. He looked like a regular guy. No suit or tie. He looked like a working guy. “Paul? Good name. That's an honest name. Are you an honest person Paul?” “Yes...” “Then why do you work here?” I laughed. “I am a super....” “Look, never mind. I don't care. Listen to me. You are going to live.” He didn't say anything. “Grab that mop and bucket of yours. Follow me. Lets go!” he grabbed his mop and bucket from the closet and we began to walk.

“ Paul I know you are nervous. Anyone would be. But I am going to let you live, O.K.? You are going to tell this story Paul. In fact you are an integral part of this story Paul. Come here. You see all that blood that Mr. 8126 is lying in now?” “Yes...” he mumbled. “Mop it up Paul. Do your best. mop up that blood and wring the blood out into your bucket. Do the same thing with this Spanish bitch’s blood next to him. c'mon lets move.” He began to mop up the blood and wring out the mop into the bucket. Deep red blood. Tons of it. I kept the gun pointed at him and talked to him.

“ You are going to live Paul. You are the super of this building?” “One of them..” he said. “O.k. so you're not fucking over anyone, right?” “Right.” “O.k. good, then just keep mopping. You are going to tell this same story to everyone that you speak with over the next few months. You are going to become very famous because I am going to let you live. o.k.?” “O.K.” “Good, how's the bucket? Almost full? Good. Follow me now.” I walked to the giant glass window that covered the entire side wall of the giant call center room. Paul followed me dragging his bucket full of blood behind him. “Paul grab you're mop, get it nice and full of blood, o.k.? you got it?” he did not answer me. I could tell he was going to start crying again. “Paul listen to me. you are going to live. now stop crying or I'm going to shoot you too and do this myself. I'm fucking tired man. Please just do what I say. O.k.? do you hear me?!” “o.k.,” he stuttered. He started crying though. I knew he would.

“ Now Paul I want you to take your mop and I want you to write in as big of letters as you can on the window with that blood. O.k.? You are going to write in big letters ‘STOP FUCKING US!’ O.K. Paul? You got it? O.k. good. Do it!” Paul lifted his mop up out of the bucket and blood dripped off the mop onto the floor. He lifted it to the window and started to write. “Good Paul. Do it bigger Paul. Make the letters bigger Paul!” I kept my gun pointed at him. I followed his every move with the gun. “Good Paul. Keep going. Make the letters big Paul!” he continued to write across the giant windows. “Goddamn Paul, you are a fucking artist, you know that? you are an artist. that's excellent.” He finished. he was crying still. “Now Paul you can put the mop back in the bucket. We’re finished. How do you like that? huh? Good work man. Good work.” He didn't say anything.

“ Now Paul, do you see what you have just written on the glass window behind me?” “Yes.” “What does it say?” “it says ‘stop fucking us....’” he replied. “Yes it does. Paul repeat it again.” “Stop fucking us...” he let out between sobs. “Do you know who the ‘us’ is Paul?” he didn't say anything. “The ‘us’ is you and me Paul. The ‘us’ is all of us. Everybody. The innocent people who are victims to these large and greedy corporations that you work for.” He said nothing. Just stood there with his hands by his sides crying.

“ Paul can I ask you something?” I put my gun down to my side. “Do you believe in capital punishment? Of course you do. We’re in fucking Oklahoma.” “Yes, I guess so...” he responded. “So even if some of the people turn out to be innocent after we execute them, you still believe in the idea of capital punishment, right?” He looked down to the floor and sobbed. I must have been a grotesque site. I think it was in this moment that Paul understood what all this was about. this was his moment of epiphany. Normally when someone asks you a question like this its easy to give some flippant answer about justice or the occasional unfortunate innocent victim... but after seeing what he saw today, this question would hold special meaning. For anyone it would.

I stood in front of him with the gun pointed straight at him. “I never did believe in capital punishment before. You know that? I used to think it was a barbaric idea. But something changed in me. What you witnessed here today was like capital punishment Paul. Do you understand? I know you can’t quite understand everything you saw today, but I just want to make sure that you understand what I am saying so you can repeat it. You don't have to agree with what I did here today. o.k.?” “O.k.” he barely managed to let out. “When they ask you why you lived and everyone else died you are going to tell them that you have a message. And what is that message? Tell me now.” “I don't know....” he began crying more. “No. You do know Paul. Think about it.” “stop fucking us?...” he spurted out. “Yes. That’s it. that's the message Paul. Look at it up there on the window.” We both stared at the window. It was a thing of beauty. “You helped deliver that message. And you're going to help deliver that message to the whole world over the next few months.” I pointed to the window behind me where it was written in giant letters, in the blood of the guilty bastards, ‘stop fucking us.” I smiled beneath the mask. “That is the message Paul. No matter what they tell you, no matter what they tell you to say or how they try to influence you. You are going to tell them the message. Over and over and over again. They are going to try to blame this mess on me. They are going to tell you that I am crazy Paul. And perhaps I am. But that is not the message. How I look or how I speak or how I dress or even what I eat for lunch is not the message. The message is...” I paused. “Stop fucking us...” he finished. “Yes. That is the message. I am leaving now. You can sit down. Or call the police, or do whatever people do after they experience something like this. I know you must be very upset. I'm sure some of these people were your friends. Or at least you thought they were. But you are going to live.” I put my gun under my coat and started to walk away from him towards the stairwell. What a fucking massacre I thought to myself...

“ Who are you...?” he asked me as I walked away. I stopped and turned to face him. His face was pale as a ghost; he was shaking. Clearly in shock. But he had guts. “I am the Blue Mask Paul.” I then exited down the stairs and out the back of the building. I could hear what sounded like hundreds of sirens in the distance. I made my way to the nearest manhole and ran like hell for over an hour. I have no idea how many people I killed. Well over fifty. Another good day. Tomorrow will be better.

Dearest little bird...

So this is good news then...

Sometimes its important to wait for the time and space to be right for people....

It can really make a difference in how the whole conversation goes...

Obviously this is a subject that is difficult for him. It would be for any man... lets face it.

They lose their wife, their caretaker, their cook, their kids, and their house... AND they have to keep paying for all that stuff even though they aren't getting it anymore.

The men get screwed... as it stands now.... no wonder I have avoided marriage like the plague...

O.k. now that I have gotten that out of my system...

With all that said, you guys still need to do what you need to do. you need to talk. You can’t just stay in a relationship forever that isn't giving you anything.... right?

But remember, once you go there, a lot of times you don't ever come back. I mean, that's it. he starts seeing someone else, you start seeing someone else, you all of a sudden start seeing your differences and before you know it, its really over....

So I think you guys really need to talk. And he needs to realize that you are serious. That the time is now to talk to you and open up to you or that you are going to start to take action....

Let me share with you.... when Naomi decided she wanted us to separate, I floundered forever.... then she would flounder, back and forth.... it was very painful. And sad. We tried to pretend that everything was o.k., still shared together and went out together and all that. but it was ...

When you're younger the woman has all the advantage. The man loses everything and has to pay for everything still for the woman, and then he's out there single again... searching, on the loose...

The woman just needs to go to Starbucks once a day and she’ll have twenty guys asking her out...

The irony of course is when we get older, the tables turn. All of a sudden the woman isn't getting asked out so much anymore, but the guy if he took care of himself and has some of the more obvious accoutrements of wealth, is getting it from all over the place... crazy....

Only you know what to do about all this...

How many times have you told me that you want to get that spark back with him.... how many times.... I think back on it....

But honestly, if a man doesn’t have it, its pretty hard for him to get it back...

Some men are honest... they can face that. and they can move forward based on how they feel. knowing that they're probably doing the right thing....

While others just try not to think about it. they think of the above scenario and how much they're going to lose in a divorce and they figure that the disastrous effects of divorce are going to outweigh the possible benefits of getting real with how they feel and moving on. So they just accept that they're stuck in a boring unsatisfying relationship. Man how many of us grew up in a house where the parents were like that... just dealing with the same old day after day....

But others of us grew up with parents who were madly in love for years and years and years and their love lasted forever and ever. I had friends who had parents like this. its inspiring.

The question my little bird is do you think you have that potential there anymore? Do you think you can create it? more than anything you just need to talk this out with him. Just let it fly. Really talk it out... and let it out.

Who knows? maybe the pain and separation anxiety may bring you guys together. Maybe the realization that this is really it, that its really over forever, will ignite this passion within you both... and you'll fall madly in love again.... I hope this is what happens..... I really do. I'm a romantic. I want to see it re-flourish. Or else I would have made love to you years ago myself.... Hehe. But I have too much respect and awe for the sanctity of marriage and those precious vows that people whisper to one another in the dead of night... and all those magical moments that two people share in those first few years when they are first together. So man it would just be beautiful if that happened for you all....

But now I can feel where your man is, just grinning and bearing it. just trying to not think about it. its not going anywhere.... that's why you need to stir it up a bit...

Make it work for you. get your life back. get some joy in there. there is nothing more joyful than just pure unadulterated honesty....

I love you. good luck

Sincerely,
me

2-04-04
There is this thing in America called the two party system... been studying the last few years. Seems like a bunch of crap. More later....

It finally happened. I had been working on this idea for an anti-gravity machine for the last ten years. I could see its practical applications but just couldn’t figure out how we could make it work.
I had searched the Internet for years, libraries, and bookstores, and science journals. So far no one has been able to come up with one, though many ideas have been proffered that appear at least to make sense.

Most scientists have envisioned anti-gravity machines as a means for us to fly without the use of planes. I have to be honest; I never even thought of that application. At least not until the last few months when I started dreaming of flying (more like bouncing very high actually...) To me the idea of an anti-gravity machine held its appeal in how it may benefit us in this use of space and mobility. I have already dedicated pages to the ideas in the other journals so its not necessary here.

But a few nights ago I did actually dream of it for the first time, which is always a great sign. After all these years I actually saw it in use. Right in front of my eyes. I had been called to this place, a big warehouse and base camp type of a place out in the middle of nowhere. It was already night by the time we unpacked our gear. They took me into this giant room, I mean giant room, as big as a football field; must have been ten stories high in there. there were blue gymnastics mats covering the floors. There were gymnastics equipment all over the place. trapeze, horses, rings, ladders, all sorts of things. but what immediately struck me was that some of these items were up very high. Two or three stories up in the air.

We would just jump and fly into the air hundreds of feet. We could do turns and twists in the middle of the air and stay suspened in mid-air for minutes at a time. somehow they had found a way to get rid of the gravity in the space. it was magnificent. This is the fourth dream I have had like this now, about flying or the suspension of gravity on earth...

________________________________________________________________

I vacillate back and forth between extreme apathy and a desperate depression that creeps on me like some sort of invisible monster. I cannot see the beast, but I feel it all the time. Clutching onto me. I sit in the bath for hours. I let the shower run on my head for hours, hoping desperately that the water will wash away the creeping nagging feeling that all is lost and hopeless in my life. Hoping that I will just step out miraculously feeling happy and refreshed and anew again. But it is no use. Where is the ambassador? Where is the embassy? Each day gets worse. Each day gets shorter. I drive a lot. What else is left? Just driving around aimlessly. Even driving has lost its magic. Is that what hopelessness feels like? God it has been so long since I have felt anything like this. A sense of impending doom strangles me at all times. it is fascinating in a way. It is a feeling of helplessness, no-use-ness, aimless, hopeless... I tell myself I need to move. But I quickly realize that I will still be faced with the same tortuous anxieties. I will still have the same problems whether I am here, New York, or France. It won't change much. And what are these problems? That's the amazing part of it. there are no problems. I mean I'm so fucking healthy it should be a sin. I have more money than should be fair for doing what I do. I look in the mirror. Yep. Still you. nothing to be depressed about there. but it is inescapable. this nagging feeling that I fell into a rabbit hole and have started to experience a life that I was never meant to. for one thing the constant battle for commercialization, popularity, and success is destroying the sacredness of music for me. I am finding myself no longer enjoying music like I did just a few months ago. not even wanting to pick up a guitar. The pressure of it all is too much and its taking away the joy of it for me. That is a curse like no other because music is my God. It is my religion. Without it, I am just stumbling in the dark. Pretending to be someone I am not. If I am not a singer songwriter and musician then I am nothing but a man over board, lost at sea, waiting to die.

2-03-04

“ Man that's just not me.” Ferret tells us.
I scream out, “well you know what man? Maybe you should start asking yourself what kind of person you want to be rather than what kind of person you are. fifteen fucking years you're still using the same excuses for your life, always saying, that's just the way I am. Bro. You can change if you want to. You don't have to stay the same. Don't you know that?”

Last screening: funny face with Fred Astaire and the wonderful Audrey Hepburn.

I wasn't the only one talking about lost job-markets like tech-support in America. Turns out its big news. Which sucks, because I was hoping that maybe it was just me being paranoid. But the truth is that it really is a huge trend. but its not about lost jobs anymore. It is about entire sectors we are losing overnight. Its about lost industries. Excellent story here about what is happening:
http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/features/2004/0401.florida.html

2-2-04

Real quick and then I'm off to bed. Something really amazing has been happening around the country in the form of this new website called moveon.org. Many people are already members or avid fans. Just normal everyday Middle Americans who want to help solve human rights issues and fight the dark forces that have taken over the great white hope of America. a few months ago a documentary was made called the Uncovered: the whole truth about the Iraq war. It featured interviews with about 25 different current and former government employees, CIA employees, diplomats, and US ambassadors, senators, and UN weapons inspectors. All of them saying the same thing: that everything that the current white house administration said over the last two years about Iraq and all their reasons to invade the country was a bunch of untruths and fabrications. The documentary made a huge impact around the world very quickly. Because it put all the pieces together and it wasn't just some op-ed in a news paper or some radical leftist conspiracy theorist spouting off. In fact the only people interviewed were upper echelon people working or who had worked in the US government or the UN. Even military people. all saying the same thing. that the whole Iraq invasion was just a complete duping of the world. it was a huge explosion. For the first time someone put all the facts together to show what really happened. To see the documentary go here: www.truthuncovered.com But this isn't the point.

The point is that this website moveon.org started this grass roots movement to have these house parties all over the nation where people could get together at each others homes and watch the DVD for free. It was a very old-school and in that sense a radical new approach to disseminating information quickly. At a grass roots level. I had heard about it. Looked up my own town and yep sure enough there were these viewing parties all over town up and down the coast. What I found fascinating was how mainstream this thing got so fast. in my own office there was a guy who held a huge viewing party at his place on South beach. So this wasn't just some underground loonies ranting and raving about the bad government etc. it was just right out there in the public like Madonna or p. diddy. I was surprised how widespread it was. Anyway, no matter what, just find a way to watch the video. You can look up your own town and find someone who has it and just give them and call and borrow it. that's what I did.

A few months later the people over at moveon.org and the millions of people who are now part of this growing group of disgruntled Americans were so enraged by what they saw in the documentary that they decided we had to do something. so they thought what a better way for the people to express their opinions was to advertise on national television during the superbowl. Brilliant right? the people would raise the millions of dollars necessary to pay CBS the advertising dollars. And what's more, they would hold a contest open to all Americans to see who could come up with the best 30 to 60 second spot. It was awesome. Total democracy in action. They received hundreds of really cool commercials and you can view them on the site. Finally a winner was chosen. They raised the money to air the spot and everyone was very excited. The technological revolution is helping America quickly realize the power of our democracy and what we can do with it. Everything came together very quickly.

There was only one glitch. CBS refused to air the commercial. They will air other ads by beer commercials and tobacco companies and aol and even the George bush white house is buying some time, but they won't let the American people air this ad that was literally sponsored by millions of Americans who gave money to help pay for the ad. That's the amazing thing about it. this isn't some for-profit company. Its just a coalition of millions of American people who came together to try to express themselves and who desperately want to help get the country back from all the lies and deceit we've been experiencing the last three years. But cbs just refuses to even address the situation. They have been flooded with calls and emails about it. millions. Even set up a separate phone line to deal with the onslaught of calls. And what's more they won't even give a reason why. its all just hush hush. And you should see the ad. Its very mild and innocuous. Not at all radical...

For a lot of people this is not a good sign. Its one thing to expect conspiracy in the white house. unfortunately it is something that we have come to expect the last thirty years... cartoonists and satirists make their living from lampooning it. Activists spend their lives trying to stop it. but this is CBS. It is our worst fears come to life. that the conspiracy is much bigger and broader than anyone ever expected or understood. Sad? Yeah its sad. Because after all this is America and what could be more American than millions of hard-working American people raising a million dollars to show their views to millions of other Americans during the most beloved all American event of the year? I'll tell ya, whether it aired or not, its just a thing of beauty that this whole thing transpired and came together. But what's more, the final outcome is more than just sad. Its scary...

CBS Censors Ads

"CBS, don't play politics with free speech. If the White House can run an ad during the Super Bowl, other groups should be allowed to run issue ads as well."

During this year's Super Bowl, you'll see ads sponsored by beer companies, tobacco companies, and the Bush White House. But you won't see the winning ad in MoveOn.org Voter Fund's Bush in 30 Seconds ad contest. CBS refuses to air it. This is not a partisan issue. It's critical that our media institutions be fair and open to all speakers. CBS is setting a dangerous precedent, and unless we speak up, the pattern may continue. Watch the ad and join the call for CBS to air ads which address issues of public importance today.

View our 1/28/04 New York Times ad on the topic.
Over 20 members of the House of Representatives write to CBS.
Senator Durbin's (D-IL) statement about CBS on the Senate Floor.
Senator Wyden's (D-OR) letter to CBS.
The Boston Globe's editorial urging CBS to run issue ads.
The San Francisco Chronicle's editorial: "Let them play."

The question that is begging to be answered here is what the hell do we do now? I mean now that its all been revealed, the incessant lies about Enron and the weapons of mass destruction (not only didn't they have WMD or chemical or biological weapons, these poor people didn't even have any regular weapons—we just went in there and pretty much slaughtered them—not even much an army...) the cover ups, the no bid oil contracts awarded to the big oil company Halliburton that VP Cheney used to be the chairman of, the disastrous effect this has had on the reputation of our proud country, the increased threat now to our security here that we will be forever in danger of retaliation attacks for what we did, etc etc.... o.k. so now the cats out of the bag, what the hell do we the people do about it? the media doesn’t even seem to be on the same page as the rest of America. Seems more like they’re working for the government or at least working with them. its obvious that we aren't going to be able to do anything about this through our mainstream media... so what can the people do here now? that's the question. And I don't know what the answer is. I'm a singer. I'm just sitting here, an average American, like so many, and like Jeanine garofolo or Moby who were some of the many judges in the superbowl commercial contest, or like Tim Robbins or Michael Moore or bill Maher or martin sheen or Sean Penn who were all so outspoken against the invasion of Iraq in the first place, or the hundreds of other celebrities and average citizens alike... and I can picture everyone just sitting in their homes on a peaceful Sunday night in America thinking the same thing... what now? what the hell do we have to do to get our country back?

I don't know. I just really don't know. We know we've been lied to enough to make any people mad enough to ask them all to step down. I mean laws are laws. That's why we have laws. And that's why we have a constitution. So we know that in a perfect world they would all be impeached or if they were good Americans they would voluntarily and quietly resign. Just get it over with. Perhaps admit their mistakes, ask the people to have mercy on them, and make room for other people to step up who will try to be a bit more honest and bit more honorable. Democrats or republicans. Because at this point I don't think it matters and I don't think anyone cares who it is. just as many republicans are freaked out over all of it as democrats are. But I have a feeling that's not going to happen. not here. not now. so what is going to happen? I mean, really, what the hell are we going to do? what is America going to do?

1-30-04

Talking on the phone to Beav tonight about how in school we never learned about money. Never learned about taxes. Never learned about insurance. Never learned about how to buy a car. Never learned about credit cards. Or interest. Or equity. Or how to buy a home. Or how to run a business. Or how to get a loan. They just send you out there knowing nothing. You spend the first ten years of your life totally ignorant on how to accomplish the most basics of being a citizen and getting dicked over by everyone learning all these lessons the hard way. What the hell did we learn in school?

Schwarzenegger's $4 million loans ruled illegal
01/27/04 05:02 AM, EST
Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger broke a state law during the closing weeks of the recall race when he took out $4.5 million in bank loans to help his cash-starved campaign, according to a preliminary ruling from a superior court judge.
FULL STORY

The above story posted here just to prove a point. A thousand dollars says we never hear much more about it. That it just mysteriously goes away... it is the nature of the country we live in and the times we live in. You steal forty dollars, you're going to jail. You steal millions, or commit some really big serious crimes (think white water, Iran-contra, WMD, Enron, etc...) and one way or another you can find a way to buy your way out of it, or get it to disappear. I guess that if you are rich that's a good thing, but if you’re just one of the people, it doesn’t seem too fair... normally you read a statement like this from someone and it just sounds like the whining of some probably poor disgruntled Middle American... one of those jealous of everyone types or bored conspiracy types. Except for the fact that its been happening more and more and more all over our country the last few years. Some of it makes it to the mainstream news. a lot of it doesn’t. but even after it is revealed, most of it seems to just sort of vanish. Replaced instead by some inane who kissed who and who is marrying who filler and pseudo-news...

_____________________________________________________________________________

Soundtrack song

Tonight I had dinner with Chester Oglethorpe III. The Chester Oglethorpe III. The one and only. Owner of one of the largest retail outlets and manufacturing companies in America. Better known as Chess to millions of people around the world. No need to go into the hundreds of millions of dollars he is worth, his reputation as one of the shrewdest business men in America today, and the fanciful dinner parties he and his wife of twenty-three years are famous for throwing through the year. by now it is legend. Tonight we had a dinner party of our own. A celebration of sorts. What is not widely known are the tens of thousands of men women and children who work for him in slave labor camp conditions in many little villages in various far-eastern countries, and the hundreds of people who have died in these little sweat shops over the years.

Mr. Oglethorpe was more than willing to partake in my little dinner game. He had just watched me kill his wife in the foyer as I entered their home on Sunset Island in Miami Beach. I shot her six times, just as I had learned in TAC training courses many years ago. Stomach stomach chest chest head head. She was so aghast, so horrified by my sudden appearance at their front door in my blue mask that she didn't even attempt to run. She just stood there frozen and let me shoot her. Her body was a mass of blood on the floor before I even made it to the dining room to entertain the quivering sobbing babbling executive.

I thought of tying him to the chair. But I didn't have to. He eagerly followed my every command. He appeared to be in shock. I sat him in his chair at the head of their enormous glass dining room table. “Have some wine Chess. It will make this easier on you. I'm sure of it.” “What are you going to do to me? Why are you here? he stuttered... My wife..... You killed my wife... you animal! Aggie?!” he called out to her. Yes he was definitely in shock. Aggie was long gone by now. “I don't think she can hear you. In fact I'm sure of it. And so are you. Now please. Drink some wine.” He took the glass in his right hand. He must be right handed. Shaking like a leaf. He guzzled the glass of wine in a second or two.

“Good. Now lets try some of the lasagna that I made. I made it just for you sir. You know that? I came all the way over here just for you. To bring you this delicious homemade lasagna and you haven't even touched it. tsk tsk. I have always known that money did not make manners. And you sir unfortunately are proving the old adage true as a bell. Now please eat. If you eat a bit, I will pour you another glass of that delicious wine. I took a sip of the wine myself. It was delicious. “My God that is good wine. Chess, you don't mind if I call you chess do you? Can I ask you how much a bottle of wine like that costs?”

Unfortunately he did not answer me. “Fuck off!” he attempts to blurt out. “You’re telling me to fuck off? Unbelievable manners you are displaying. Are all your dinner parties this tense Chess? Do you treat all of your guests this rudely? I ask you a simple question about your table wine and you tell me to fuck off?! That's your answer?! O.k. fine. So that's how you want to play it? great. Fucking great. I thought perhaps that we would have a chance at some stimulating dinner conversation, you know, man to man, before I killed you. but I can see that you are not up for it. so here's the deal. You eat now or I shoot you. Eat the fucking lasagna Chess. Now!” I yelled.

“Why don't you just shoot me then goddamn it?!” he yelled back. The man’s got some spunk after all. “Very well then. I will.” I shot him from across the table. Right in the left shoulder. He screamed. And grabbed his shoulder with his right hand. Blood poured. He moaned in agony. “Now please, Chess eat. I didn't go to all this trouble just to shoot you. I want you to try the special dish I prepared for you. I think you’ll find it absolutely irresistible... Like many of the fine shoes your company puts out every year to the adoring masses. You know, I never actually bought any of your shoes. You know that? I never saw what all the fuss was about. Oh well. Perhaps tomorrow I will purchase a pair. See what all the hubbub is all about.” He sobbed quietly.

He began to eat the lasagna. A small bite at first. I could not help but smile. I could hear him crunching. “How do you like it?” I smiled. “Very special ingredients in there. Made especially for you Chess...” I had covered the entire third layer with very small broken shards of glass. Just hundreds and hundreds of pieces of broken glass. I had fantasized about this moment for years. I watched as blood began to pour from both sides of his mouth. “Delicious isn't it?” he chewed slowly. “Now be a good boy and swallow Chess.” He attempted to swallow. He choked and gagged. And blood shot out of his mouth all over the table.

“Are you a religious man Chess?” I asked. “We are a catholic....” he stuttered with his mouth still almost full. “No Chess. Only you are catholic. Your wife is dead. She is lying in a pool of blood in that absolutely beautiful entrance way of yours. I shot her myself. “You are an animal!” he screamed at me almost incoherently. “Perhaps I am. Yes indeed perhaps we all are. Do you go to mass Mr. Oglethorpe?” “Yes.” He stammered. “I used to have to go to mass when I was a kid. Nothing like a good catholic mass to get people to stop believing in God huh?” I commented. He did not laugh at my joke. Instead he just continued to sob and whimper like a baby and attempt to chew the special dish I had prepared for him.

“Chess? Can I ask you? Do you know this song by Midnight Oil? White Skin Black Heart? he shook his head no... He was going to lose it soon. I could tell. He wasn't up for these kind of dinner parties. “I wouldn’t think you would know it. you probably are of the age now where you listen to mostly classical music right? Makes you feel better somehow... calms you down... for all the innocent lives that have been lost in order to purchase this beautiful home of yours. But its an amazing song. Truly. I wanted to play it for you tonight actually. I looked for it for several hours but couldn’t find it. Its about men like you. Men who have all the money in the world, but they don't do anything good with their money. That’s the problem isn't it? I mean that's the real problem that we have here. In fact men like you do their best to make their money and use their money to take advantage of every disadvantaged person they can. For their own selfish motives....” I paused. Looked down at the table... “Anyway. I am digressing. And you are obviously worn out already from all of the fun we are having here tonight. I did bring this though.” I held up the CD. “Its I will survive. The Cake version. Do you know it? its delicious. Let me play it for you. I think it will make perfect dining music. Especially with this lasagna. Can I ask you where the stereo is for this room. I bet you have speakers installed in every room in the house,” I commented as I walked into the living room. “Yes?” I found his stereo and popped in the CD.

song here

“Look. I don't know what you want.... do you want money?! is that what your after?” he somehow managed to take the food out of his mouth and he was attempting to bargain with me. impressive... “Let me live. I will give you as much money as you want. He went to get up from his chair. “You mother fucker. Sit the fuck down Chester! I yelled angrily. “Goddamnit. I do not want you to die like this. I do not want to just shoot you from across the room. I did not come all the way over here for that. Now please just sit the fuck down!” I slammed the gun down on the table. He sat down. “You think I want your money? You think that's why I just shot your poor miserable blind-eye dinner party throwing bitch of a wife in cold blood? So I could rob you? Because I need money?! God you are a worthless piece of shit. You know that? You know that right? No Chess, its not me who needs your money. I have plenty of money. Although after I purchase those fancy shoes of yours tomorrow, who knows, right? I hear you make some pretty expensive shoes? I hear some of your shoes can cost upwards of something like $2000 a pair. Is that right?” “People will pay for quality.” He answered me. “They know what they like...” he mumbled. “But some people will pay for quality and others will not. Is that it? Like all those people you hire across the great sea... You don't mind not paying them for their quality do you? you don't mind their sixteen hour days at gun point? Do you?! you fuck! Now eat Chester. Eat your fucking lasagna!” He took another bite...

“You see, I am going to take all of your money. I am going to take everything I can from you right after I kill you. But it isn't for me. I don't need any new shoes. You see? I pointed the gun to my shoes. “But there are a lot of people that do need that money. And by now you should be thanking me Chess, because I am going to distribute your money as best as I can to all those needy people... I'm going to do that for you. and you should be thanking me instead of cursing me.” he chewed and I watched. More and more blood poured from his mouth.

I walked over to him. Slowly. With the gun pointed right at his head. He was pale as ghost. I kneeled down behind him. “Chess do you know why I'm here now?” I whispered in his right ear. “Do you understand why we are having this dinner party?” he could not speak very well. Probably from the glass. His mouth was bleeding profusely from chewing on all the glass. Just choking up blood at this point. “

I whispered in his ear.... “Can you tell me Chess? Can you tell me how many men women and children have died in your factories over the years? Do you even know?”

“You son of a bitch!” he barely managed to choke out. “Who are you?!” “I sir? Who am I? I am the Blue Mask.” I whispered in his ear. And I have come here to save you. to save you from yourself. I have come here to seek revenge for all the innocent victims who have suffered at your hands. For your profit. And for the profit of all of your shareholders.” I bent my head down towards the ground and noticed a pool blood forming under his chair... and then in a quick burst and without hesitation I thrust his own table knife into his throat. Blood sprayed out in a thin red stream. Straight out onto the white linen table cloth. “Chess look at all that blood!” I yelled over his gurgling. He was trying to grab at his throat. But the blood was too much for him... “God it isn't like the movies at all is it?” I asked him. “Would you look at all that blood?!” He grabbed at his throat more. He gagged. And choked. I took the knife and jabbed it into the back of his neck. His back arched and his head went back. Not a lot of blood there. not as much as one would hope for. I then stabbed him in the back several times while his body convulsed. “Mother fucker!” I yelled. I then took the gun and shot him in the back of the head four maybe five times until there was a huge gaping hole big enough for me to see his brains oozing out... I had never seen this before in real life, but had always fantasized about it. His whole body just collapsed. His face fell right into the lasagna. Blood splattered everywhere. It was by all accounts an ecstatic experience the likes of which I have never encountered. I stared at him lying there in a plate of lasagna, blood everywhere, his brains oozing out of his skull. “We! Must! Do this! Again!” I yelled to him. Although he did not hear me. I am sure of it. Chester Oglethorpe was more than dead.

For a moment just as I was leaving the house I glanced in the wall length mirror in the foyer. Blood covered the Blue Mask. Do I look? Will I look any better now? What’s it been? A few days? A few weeks? I cannot ruin a perfectly good evening. I will not look. I wiped the blood from the mask. Slowly and methodically. And then I left. I do not know what time it was when I left the Oglethorpe home.

Fishy has no idea who he is. he thinks he is a singer and a writer. He tells himself that he is working on his newest novel, the disturbing and majestic Blue Mask. Little does he know... He complains that he doesn’t sleep. He thinks he is in some kind of time warp. Huge chunks of his time unaccounted for...

____________________________________________________________________________

1-29

Between the Ferret and Vancouver... there are very few people that you can actually count on in this life.

Current Spin: warren zevon, genius, the best of. I have not heard anything genius on this CD yet. maybe people just say that sometimes about an artist when they are getting ready to die or after they die...

Last screening: King Kong from the seventies. With a trumped up, way over the top Jessica Lange really laying it on thick. But it has this certain drama to it. I wonder how it was received when it first came out? o.k. I just went to the Internet movie database and checked it out, (what a great website! www.imdb.com).

1-27

I called Bloopy immediately to tell him the news. “Its for real man. Its happening.” “I thought we were going to stay indie man? Indie or die. Remember?” “Yeah I know. But bro to be honest, we’re running out of money. We can’t fund this thing forever on our own. We want this as bad as we don't want it. You know?” “Yeah. I guess. Are they going to release sleep with you the way it is now?” “Bro, I don’t know yet. There are a lot of ideas floating around. I know they're pulling Minnie Driver more up to the beginning of the CD.” “Man that's not good. That’s the worst song on the CD... our careers will be over before the CD hits the shelves...” “Look, we may have to just do whatever they want with this man. Its better than what we got now.” “What about nothing is cohesive? Did they talk about it? They aren't going to change it are they?” “Didn't say. We’ll see. They liked it. don't worry man. This is a good thing. we can make videos and go on a real tour for once.” “We always said we wouldn’t sell out.” “I know man, but don't look at it as selling out. Look at it as buying in. We got a chance here to play a bigger game. I say we buy in for once.”

Tonight I celebrated with a cigar. A montecristo exclusivo. An expensive cigar. Now I understand why smoking a cigar is so wonderful. Why it is such an amazing experience. It has been some time since I smoked a very expensive cigar. The five dollar ones are one thing. mildly enjoyable. But the ten dollar ones are just amazing. and the twenty dollar ones? Forget about it. they are an almost orgasmic experience. So smooth and delicious and yet strong and bold, with many flavors. God I cannot wait till I can afford again to never smoke anything that costs less than ten to twenty dollars per... Crazy I know. But worth every penny.

So I smoked and reflected on where we are now as a band. Wow. I have two big hopes in my life. Two big dreams I have carried with me since I was very young. One is to play for large audiences that love my music as I do---that give me as much love as I feel for the music we make. And two, to find the woman of my dreams, the love of my life. to finally meet her and hold her in my arms and thank God for her. To cry a thousand tears with her over our gratitude for at last finding one another in this big lonely world.

il ambasciatore says:

when will you leave for France?

G2 says:

it's the best of both worlds

il ambasciatore says:

my god your poor mom...

G2 says:

3 weeks tops

il ambasciatore says:

i am so sorry you are going through this...

G2 says:

it will only make me stronger

il ambasciatore says:

god im sorry I cannot buy your laptop with no problem. I am so broke

il ambasciatore says:

i need to make money again.

il ambasciatore says:

this is not like me.

il ambasciatore says:

i have to make money like i normally do. if there is one thing I cannot stand it is to not be rich.

G2 says:

i know man

G2 says:

i totally understand

il ambasciatore says:

i hate it because i still support Bas a little and I feel so bad some weeks when i cant buy food for us like we are used to it...

il ambasciatore says:

makes me feel like not a complete man—not being able to support the people around me as I am used to. when he complains that we have no food because he eats a lot more than me and i don’t really eat that much so i don’t mind... but he needs a lot of food... and now I cannot buy as much...

G2 says:

you are a fakir

il ambasciatore says:

what is this? fakir

G2 says:

those guys in India that sleep in nail beds and feed their spirit only

il ambasciatore says:

lol

G2 says:

food is materialism for them. this is you. always working. Always living outside of your body.

il ambasciatore says:

si. But I still need to start making money again. this is insane.

Genius is not born. It is made. Do the work. Genius is not born. It is made. Do the work. Genius is not born. It is made. Do the work. Genius is not born. It is made. Do the work. Genius is not born. It is made. Do the work. Genius is not born. It is made. Do the work. Genius is not born. It is made. Do the work. Genius is not born. It is made. Do the work.

I find it hard sometimes to work day in and day out. never resting. Just always on the mission.

1-26

I still feel like I am in this time warp. Strange feeling. Sometimes it is day. Sometimes it is night. I am going to Orlando to hang out with a bunch of friends. And then to see Maddie and Mohdie and their new baby. I don't feel that I am sleeping well at all. I never fell rested.

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Soundtrack song

Tonight it happened. The first. The first of many. I can still smell it... I followed her out to her car. Stopped her in the parking lot before she had a chance to even know what was happening. I grabbed her by the arm and started walking her towards the alley behind the restaurant. “If you scream a fucking word, you will suffer. Do you hear me? Walk with me. Don’t say a fucking thing. Once behind the restaurant, “Do you know why I am here?” She was shaking. And crying. “No,” sobbing, “who are you?” “that’s not important. But you know who I am. And you know why I am here.” “No I don’t. No I don’t! I have never seen you before. Honest.... please don’t hurt me. Please don’t hurt me...” she pleaded. “Who is Judy Woodridge?” She burst into tears... “Judy was my...” “Yes Judy was your roommate... And what happened to Judy? Judy isn't here anymore is she? Judy is dead isn't she?” “Who are you? Why are you telling me this? How do you know me? What do you want?” “You are sick. And I have come to set you free.” I pulled out a knife and lunged it into her stomach and yanked it up as far as it would go. Her face went pale. And froze. Her blood splattered all over me. It was warm and wet. I could taste it. I let her body fall lifeless to the ground. She would die. Soon. I looked all around me and saw no one. I didn't run. I walked away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1-25

I was parked on the side of the road downtown with the top down. Smoking a cigar and typing. I want to do a series of interviews with priests and nuns and other religious leaders I have met over the years. Been collecting these various people for a long time. I was creating a list of questions for them. things like, do you think God is a man or a woman? Or is he just beyond all that in your mind? Do you regret not having sex all your life? do you think that not having sex all your life has brought you closer to God? I'm typing away. just totally absorbed. And then I hear this voice like right next to me. and I jump. Totally freaked out. and I look up and there's this lady, obviously a homeless lady standing next to the car. “didn't mean to scare you sir.” me a sir? that's funny. “But do you have a cigarette?” I was startled. “Oh no, I don't smoke.” I say with this cigar hanging out of my mouth. She gives me this confused look, like I'm crazy or something. “But do you need some money?” her eyes light up. she is sniffling. Eyes all bloodshot. “yeah I could use some!” she says. I reach into my pocket. Fuck all I have is a twenty left. “Here you go.” I give her the twenty. She is so happy. I don't tell Bas or Cleo or Beaver or mom or anyone that I give away so much money all the time to strangers. they would think I'm fucking crazy. I can’t even pay my bills the last couple of months. So broke these days... i could use that money to eat... but then, im not wandering the streets asking people for money. At least not yet... but that's not the point. Face it, I am crazy in that respect. Is there such a thing as irresponsible giving? If there is, then I'm one of the biggest offenders.... perhaps there's a 12 step program... but when someone is in need, and no matter you’ve ever thought or been told, anyone who’s gotten to the point where they are asking total strangers for money is in need, and so I don't know, but... maybe its an irresponsible responsibility that we all have to give to those of us who have reached that point in their lives... something like that.

She bends down over the window to hug me. and I hug her back. you give a twenty, you're getting a hug. She starts rubbing my back and kissing my neck. O.k. this is truly twisted and gross. “Hey, I don't need that.... You don't need to do that....” I back away from her quickly... total twilight zone... “You believe in God?” I ask her. “Yes I do sir.” God I wish she wouldn’t call me sir. man that's weird. Since when do I look like a sir? “Well God believes in you too. and he's looking out for you. Keep thinking positive, o.k?” “I will. thank you sooooo much....” and I go to start the car. She starts walking away from me, off to who knows where, a kind of clicking her heels kind of walking away. I gotta get the hell out of this neighborhood. I can’t just be stopping anywhere to type like this anymore. Who knows what could happen... especially not with the top down. Someone's looking out for me, that's for sure...

As I'm driving away, I'm thinking, isn't it weird how everytime I encounter one of these homeless people or someone else who is suffering in some way, on the street or on a plane or where ever, that's always the first thing out of my mouth. The whole God thing? I mean me, the incurable humanist? The anti-God guy... always reminding people to talk to God and that God will take care of them... man that's weird.

Been thinking a lot about it. what's new? I guess that its just that even though you may not believe in God, or maybe you are just trying hard not to believe in God for whatever reason, doesn’t mean that God isn't an important thing to other people. you know, somehow, no matter how I try to shake it, I still think its an important thing somehow, especially for people in certain situations. You just have to embrace whatever you can to help.... something like this. why try to take God away from others? But its more than that. because it wasn't like I was just ‘not trying to take God away from her..’ it was me offering God to her. Reminding her of God. Reminding her to pray and feel his love for her... maybe its easier to feel God’s love for us than our own love for ourselves sometimes. So it’s a good thing to remind people of... Maybe that's it.

Current Spin: Franco battiato, caffe de la paix. This is just an amazing album. if I could one day be even close to the artist that he has become...

But most importantly, last night went to the opera with Columbia. Some crazy stupid boring amateur affair called Szulamit. Truly dreadful. I just typed it and my Word dictionary didn't even recognize it. shows you how lame it is. anyway hung with Columbia all night. we listened to rise and shine in the dark. I was so moved.... I hadn't listened to rise and shine in about a year or two. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I made this? this is me? God I forgot. I think I forgot to believe in myself and what I do for a while. wow. It really gave me this wonderful feeling. I told Columbia, from now on I will never forget to believe in myself. I will never again think of commerciality when I make another album, but instead I will just stay true to my vision as an artist and what I want to create and how I want to feel from it. luckily we’re still in the mixing stages with nothing is cohesive, so we have time to still do that. and luckier still, we didn't make that album for any other reason than we were just feeling the desire to make it...

1-24

Soundtrack song

I understand the Blue Mask now... I thought I was Tobias Guess. I Thought that one day I would be. I just always assumed it. Didn't know for sure. I thought the Blue Mask was a character I was working on. I had no idea... I had no idea this would happen...

What happened? How did this happen? maybe its not important to know... or to understand what is happening or how it got like this. maybe its just important to know what to do next. It came to me... all at once.... in the car. That's when it was. It was in the car. Before we hit... the Blue Mask and who he is. who I am?

My God. My face. Oh my God my face. I understand now. it wasn't a character. All this time... I thought that it was....

I am underground now. I have come out. Through a door of bright light from underground. Some sort of time warp. But for how long? I need to disappear completely. There is a reason I lived. Am I alive? I must be alive. But it is all very clear now. what I must do. I will do my best to end the suffering. When there is a murder I will be there before it takes place. I will go underground and come out only to kill them. all of them. before anyone has the chance to strike, I will be there. I will hunt them down in the streets and in the alleys and I will kill them before they have a chance to attack. I can see something... I can see it in their eyes now, isn't that strange? I can see it in people’s eyes when they are about to commit a crime... I can feel it on my skin.

I can see it on their faces, when someone is trying to hide it. I can feel it inside of them.... and they see that I see... they see me, and they get up to leave. But I follow them. I will seek the revenge that every mother and father and son and daughter or husband or wife has ever hungered for in the dead of night. I will hunt down and kill every one of them who has ever committed a crime against another. I will kill them when they are sleeping. when they are eating. when they least expect it.

But there is more to it. how can I stop the suffering of the poor and struggling? When there is so much wealth in the world. There is so much to be shared. I will steal from the wealthy and give the money to the poor and struggling; before they even have a chance to know what happened, their money will be gone and redistributed. if they will not give themselves, then I will give for them. I will redistribute it for them. and I will not be the only one. o.k. I understand this. there will be more. it won't just be me. people will see and they will understand. And they will start to do the same. If a man kills then he shall be killed. If a woman is about to kill, she will be killed first. If a man does not want to give of himself to others than he shall be taken from. and put out on the street to struggle, like those he chose not to help at one time or another. It is clear now.

I had no idea. I am the Blue Mask. I didn't get it. I get it now. it was me all along...

1-23

I do not know who I am. Or where I am. I was in the car.... I was at the office? and then in the car? But now... where is this? where am I now? who am I now?

1-22

Picked up this old black guy today who was hitchhiking on south beach. It was about 10 or 11 at night. I pull over. Roll down the window; “where you headed old man?” “Where you going?” he asks me. “downtown.” “then downtown it is.” he hops in the passengers side. We’re off. I get on the freeway. Start driving fast. we say nothing. I drive faster. I'm up to 90. I look over at him. “I just lost my wife a few months back.” he says out of the blue. ‘Motherfucker,’ I think. “Lost my son a few years ago. Now I got nothing.” Felt the pain come up inside of me. I drove faster. “God man. That sucks. I lost my fiancé a few years ago.” “she died?” “Not exactly...” “Sorry to hear that.” I drove faster. I'm doing over a hundred miles an hour now. “God man. That just really sucks.” “Your fiancé?” he asks. “No man, about your wife and kid. Man that's just so sad. How are you about it?” I look over at him. he has this glazed look on his face. “I'm o.k. I figure I'm doing as good as you can be doing.” “yeah I guess so.” “You can drive faster if you want to. I don't mind. Boy this is a nice car you got here. whatch you do? if you don't mind me asking.” “Me? I'm a singer.” I reply. “That's nice. you're a singer...” “Well actually, I'm a self-absorbed, self-congratulating, stoned-out, sex-crazed, linguistically-challenged singer... if you read the press.” “My my my. You all that? That's nice...” ‘that's nice?! I think.... ‘what is this guy crazy?’ “My son, he was a football player.” “Oh really? That's cool man. How’d he die if you don't mind me asking?” “Leukemia. Just came up one day and got him.” “goddamn man. You just never know huh...” “No. you just never know...” I pushed the pedal down. I hit 120. I put both hands on the wheel. “Man we’re driving fast...” he comments. “You don't mind?” I ask him. “You want me to slow down?” I look over. “What if I told you I don't care whatch you do?” he asks me quietly. “I’d understand.” “what if I told you I wouldn’t care.....” he stops mid sentence. “yeah me either man.” I sigh, and just face the road. There hasn’t been a day in months that I haven't fantasized about dying in some way or another, I'm thinking. and here I am with some guy I don't even know who feels the same way... mother fucker. The last thing I need is an excuse to pull the plug. I pictured us crashing into a wall. Just going up in flames and a huge explosion. All the pain and the agony and the frustration gone forever. all of it over. I pushed the pedal down further. I had never hit 130 but I was willing to try for it. hovering just below 130... “you're a young man still... you got a lot to live for.” He tells me. the car is on the edge. The slightest wrong move and we are fucking eleven o'clock news. “yeah I know. I keep telling myself that man. I keep saying that to myself man. I keep fucking saying that to myself man every day but...” I'm screaming... “but it don't work like that sometimes, right?” “Right.” I say despondently. A soft “yeah” Is all he gets out. I hit 130. I'm weaving around the slower drivers when I have to. there was a moment there where I was just waiting for it. just waiting. Any minute. And it could happen. it could all be over. For both of us. For me and the sad old black man. Eternal freedom. We roll in this baby at a hundred and thirty and we are free from all of it forever.

Every night we fall asleep and kill another day off. We wake up and tell ourselves today’s gonna be different. Today we’re gonna make more money. today we’re gonna get some good news. today we’re gonna get that contract. Today we’re gonna meet that special someone.... Instead, today I wake up to a message from Infinito that his best friends parents both just died in a train wreck and the kid isn't older than 23 years. And instead this old black man lost the only two people he ever loved within a few years. and now he’s alone. wandering the streets of Miami. lost. Aimless. No structure. No nothing. I kept driving faster. My heart was racing. My skin was crawling. I was sweating like crazy. Was I the angel that would deliver this sad old man to eternal salvation? Was he an angel come down from heaven to take me with him? He just sat there. glazed over. my mind was racing. I kept the pedal down.

There’s that lady whose daughter went into a coma eighteen years ago and all their money ran out so now she has to take care of her at home, her daughter just laying there in her room, a vegetable for eighteen maddening fucking years... the story of that other lady who was driving home from work one night when some guy in another car shot her at point blank range on the highway and blinded her for life for no reason. I can’t shake the images... Those two kids who got kidnapped last month at nikki beach club in Miami, the guy beat up and the girl raped and murdered. Those fucking bastards. Queenie and her eating disorders, when she's perfectly healthy and has everything to live for but just can’t seem to find any joy in her life... And all those orphans in Africa who have lost their parents to aids. They say its like 25 million kids now without parents? Could that be true? and what are we doing about it here? man, I don't know. all we see on TV is the same faked-out paid-for and piped-in gratuitous crap. my God the fucking horror. Where are we? What is all this anyway? what is this world of pain and tragedy? What are we all doing here? is there no fucking lucky break? Is it just the same fucking grind day after day? year after year? just praying everyday that someone isn't going to die? Or that something good is going to happen...and all around us just constant suffering. Somewhere someone is always suffering. We are bombarded by the stories. And everyday we tell ourselves, ‘it won't happen to me or my family. It just can’t happen...’ but it does. Everyday. All around us. We could end this now. I could end this now for both of us. Everyone will think it was an accident.... me and the old man.

“Old man?” “yeah...” “you ready?” “Yeah...” “Me too...”

1-21

Where does all the information we read about go in our minds? It seems as though we are only able to gather a certain amount and then previous information disappears... can we get that previous information back again? we study study study. Always learning new things. taking new materials in... But is it worth it to study at all? or are we going to forget most of it anyway? Loren eisley said in one of his books that our ideas become lost forever if we forget them, that they don't come back. need to write em all down. So for the last fifteen years I have been writing it all down. Like crazy. cause I observed that he was right. at night when I am falling asleep, I am very conscious of the thoughts as I try to get into that meditative state without thoughts. But just before you hit that state I usually get flooded with many good ideas. If there are just a few, then I make a mental note of them and count them, and then every morning I have gotten into the habit now for a few years of remembering to ask myself about the previous nights ideas just before I feel asleep. If the number is under five, I can recall all of them. I almost never now forget to ask myself upon first awakening, “O.k. now, recall all the ideas you had just before you feel asleep and then I will write them all down before I eve get out of bed. But if the number hits five ideas or more then I have to write them down because I know I will forget all of them, at least that's what I tell myself. So then I have to lean over and start scribbling them down. A few years ago I found this amazing pen that has a little green light at the tip where the point is, so you can write in the dark. It is amazing. you don’t have to turn the light on in your room. You just start writing and you can se what you are writing. it is a brilliant invention. God I wonder if that person made a fortune with it.... I hope so. Anyway, these are self generated ideas I am speaking of. Different than the information we collect when studying... other peoples ideas. Its interesting when you think about it. because it is a physical phenomenon, although it seems rather metaphysical because its all happening in our brain... collecting and then accessing information... but this has got be a physical activity, I mean the information must be going somewhere, being stored somewhere in or on our physical body, in the brain they say. So one would assume that it stays there. all of it. everything we ever learn. forever. just isn't present in our consciousness at all times... I can’t necessarily recall right now what my phone number was when I lived in Atlanta ten years ago. but if you read me ten numbers I would definitely be able to tell you which one was mine. So the data does stay somewhere.... its stored somewhere.

And think of singers, which I try to be sometimes... I have written about eight or nine hundred songs so far, somewhere close to nine by now, and I cannot necessarily remember every song off the top of my head, but if I look on the list and remember the name of almost any one, and we’re talking now over a period of twenty years worth, I can instantly recall all the lyrics to any song. And all the chords. Almost instantly. And of course many people can do this with say the lyrics to every Beatles song ever written for example. Any song comes on and they know every lyric to every single song and can instantly sing along...

interesting.... the reason I bring it up is because I can’t seem to do this with other types of information, such as historical facts. Like dates and names and such. Or scientific facts... mathematical equations... very difficult to remember in the long term... but I wonder if its just a switch we can turn on in our brains like we can do with song lyrics... maybe just some mechanism that needs to be turned on...

1-20

Beav’s birthday today. Glad he was born. Thank God for it. I would die without him in my life. he is the light to my darkness.

Dreamed last night that somehow I ended up in studio/office/communal living space. just ended up there without knowing how or why I was there. I recognized everyone there. many people from my past. But not people I would normally hang out with. Not my ultimate group. but more like just associates. people I am friendly with but would never hang out with or be real close to. and the whole place is filled with them and somehow I am all of a sudden there working with them, and supposedly working with them. something had gone terribly wrong. what the hell was going on? Why was there? it was a gross feeling. It was a lost feeling. I am awake now. I understand the dream. I know what it meant. you cannot spend your time with people or in situations that are not ultimate for you. or you end up going down the wrong path. Like little Genevieve said the other day, I believe there may be more than one soul mate for everyone, just depends on which one you choose. I just sat there thinking about that for a moment. Wow. I think she may be right. Or when the Stallion used to tell me that she didn't necessarily believe in just “one fate.” That if someone fucks up then they fuck up and there they are lost down some path they never should have gone down. I am starting to understand that more and more now. I used to think everything happens for a reason. That “you're in the right place at the right time.” and all that. I don't believe that so much anymore. I think instead that we can really just get off course sometimes and we are not in the right place at the right time. sometimes we can be way off track and everything is not meant to be. this fucking dream I had. what a nightmare. I kept roaming around the different rooms thinking what the fuck am I doing here? I don't really like any of these people. Am I trapped? What is happening? Sometimes we can feel trapped in our lives. By our own circumstances.

[last night Columbia came over to watch a video. We tried to kiss. It didn't work. I think it was the first time that I ever tried to kiss a girl and had it go so badly. I mean, seriously we tried and tried and just couldn’t get it to work. It was weird it was like trying to drive a car that wouldn’t work. It felt like we were robots. It was crazy. and the weirdest part is that we have all these things in common. For weeks I've been so amazed at how aligned we are on so many different things. she loves classical music and opera and brie and guacamole even. I mean, c'mon you'd think we’d be making this mad passionate love by now. but we just can’t get it to work. But the wonderful thing is that we decided to talk about it. I mean, imagine that. no blame or hurt or whatever. we just talked about it and laughed hysterically about it and both decided that we should definitely continue to hang out and become the best of friends but just not ever try to kiss again...]

Last screening: Angela's ashes. Necessary viewing. What a film. Fantastically sad and moving. Even more so because it was true. I wrote on the large drawing pad next to my bed in huge letters the title of the film so I would have to wake up everyday and see it. just to remind me not to be like the father in the film. What a fucking loser. I think that's one of the reasons why I have not ever got married or had children yet. just don't want to fuck it up.

First talk show up went up on TTV: I'm into it. want to do more. http://www.transcendence.com/mediagallery.html

"I often dream about falling. Such dreams are commonplace to the

those who climb mountains, I read once. Lately, I dreamed I was

clutching at the face of a rock, but it would not hold. Gravel gave way, I

grasped for a shrub, but it pulled loose and in cold terror I fell into the

abyss. Suddenly I realized that my fall was relative; that there was no

bottom and no end. A feeling of pleasure overcame me. I realized that what

I embody, the principle of life, cannot be destroyed. It is written into the

cosmic code, the order of the universe. As I continued to fall in the dark

void, embraced by the vault of the heavens, I sang to the beauty of the

stars and made my peace with the darkness."

- Heinz Pagels, physicist and mountain climber

1-19

"the role of the revolutionary artist is to make revolution irresistible"

Vancouver goes entirely insane. Decides to tour with the Latin singer. we decide from now on he will be our Brian Wilson. Find someone else to tour with for now.

Trying to study Einstein’s theory of Special relativity. Having to read the same paragraphs over and over again to understand. Need to take some course or something where they can draw me diagrams and show me pictures. Try to initiate some contact with the left side of my brain.

Hung with jazz. She looks in the mirror and says oh my what a beautiful work of art you have there. oh never mind its my reflection. Laughs. we talk about how completely self obsessed she is. oh don't worry jazz, I think plenty of people are that way. look on our website. Half those pictures of me I took myself. If you look closely you can see the camera. don't worry you have along way to go to get as self obsessed as I have become over the years. I have perfected the art of self obsession. “I'm such a mystery to myself” she says. So I am just always so fascinated by me, she says. We agree that it can become quite an obsession. Having this love affair with yourself. But after all if one is to become obsessed with something, why not have it be yourself. She can’t stop looking in the mirror.

When people have kids they start becoming obsessed with their children instead. you can always tell people who have kids. [at least those without nannies] because they never look quite as good as those without kids. They start sporting that ‘just thrown together look’ everywhere they go. in the grocery store to buy some coffee ducky goes for the ground coffee and I'm like what the fuck why would you buy it pre-ground? Grind it at home. I have three kids fishy. I don't have the time to grind coffee. I thought oh my God, remind me never to have kids will ya. Jazz is lying on the bed explaining that she is her own child.... I'm the same little girl that I was when I was four but now I am older and have to take of that little girl... only in America can we be so completely vain and selfish and somehow find a way to get away with it in our own eyes and the eyes of others. Now she's off to France for three months. Our airwaves are now filled with reality TV starring people as self obsessed as everyone watching wishes they could be.

Four of us, four different people in three different countries working on the band website all day today together... so cool. all of us communicating through email and msn simultaneously. The technology revolution in full swing.

Went to South beach tonight on a date. Cannot write about it. yet. But South beach is a cesspool. Its no wonder why everyone closed up their clubs there. in the old days Madonna and sly Stallone and anyone who was anyone lived in the neighborhood. But those days are long gone now. everyone has left now. its just so dirty and hard to stand even for brief moments.

Current Spin: Madonna new one American life. really starting to like it. I love her.

1-18

Went to dinner with Ducky who is down to hang with her parents for a few days. Caught up. talked all about all of our old friends from high school and what everyone is doing now. everyone is married with children now. hearing about all these people that you went to high school with and their marriages and children and divorces really made me appreciate how lucky I am that I hadn't got married yet. I know I wasn't supposed to feel that way. looking at all these pictures of people with their kids, on the boat or at Disney world or whatever. I think your supposed to feel really happy for them and like want that for your own life. but for me it just made me so happy that I've been able to live the crazy nomadic lifestyle I have over the years and very relieved that I don't have all that yet.

Hadn’t seen her parents in like twenty years. Her mom is telling me I'll never get married. Your just the perennial bachelor. You’ll be sixty and still think you're in college. I plead with her no Mrs. Ducky its absolutely not true. I would love to get married. Maybe.... Hehe. I just haven't met my wife yet... but if you see her, will you please let her know I'm looking for her and tell her to call me on my cell phone....’ she didn't know if I was kidding or what. Just looked at me like oh my God this kid is still totally insane...

The older you get the more you really start to appreciate the friends you have. the really old long standing been there forever kind of brothers and sisters we collect through the years. its such a nice feeling. Hadn't seen each other in years and there we were drinking and eating and joking; commented that we felt as if we had not spent any time a part at all. that's what old friends feel like.

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The whole time warp thing is still happening. I pull over on the side of the road all the time now to write on my laptop; I'm doing this thing where ever I am I just pull out my laptop or a pad or my guitar and I just start working. Take notes or work on a song. I'm on this date the other night and we’re at this gas station and I'm pumping gas but then I whipped out this pad and started taking notes and I forget that I'm pumping gas and there's this girl in the passenger’s seat waiting for me. She gets out and says what the hell is happening? What are you doing? Oh you know just taking some notes here on the trunk. Sorry. Its like a time warp.

Its very strange, as if I'm living in some alternate universe. You know, it is just totally without structure. My life now. Because in this business its very weird. We play shows at like midnight or rehearse at night. so during the day there is like all this time. like father Bloopy, he sleeps from like six in the morning till like 4 in the afternoon. Its crazy. you can easily see why a lot of other singers become drug addicts or alcoholics because during the day it is easy to look for things to do till your next show or whatever... Puling over to the side of the road to sit and take notes or type a while or work on a song. Because you know without a normal job or kids or a family there really isn't any structure, is there. its just mad chaos. Its just you and your guitar and a laptop. And that's pretty insane actually when you stop for a moment and think about it.

Where are you going? well I'm not sure. I'm just going to go out there, (points to the front door), and see what's out there. I've got my guitar. So I'll be alright I suppose. Just venture out into the great unknown and take some notes.... and then you find yourself getting an espresso somewhere and typing away. and then you find yourself on the side of the road typing away madly in your front seat while all these cars are whizzing by. And this sheriff comes by with the big boots and the dark glasses and the flashlight knocking on your window. Roll it down a bit, ‘uh yes?’ son, what are you doing parked here on the highway with that laptop? What are you doing? Are you a terrorist? Oh for goodness sakes no officer. I'm not a terrorist. Well then who are you? why I'm fishy of course and I'm just taking notes.’ Who is fishy? I don't know. I just made that up actually. But I am taking notes. No worries. Well what are your notes about? well they're about The Adventures of Fishy of course... he thinks I am insane. You know so off I’m carted to jail.... its just madness.

What are you in for? Oh I was taking notes on the side of the road. Just me and my laptop and my guitar. It was crazy. you know they had to call the swat team. Shut the whole city down. And then everyone in the jail cell starts backing away from me because they're so frightened. Think I'm a crazy terrorist. Its just insanity without limits this life really. Who are you? well at this point I don't even know anymore. Just some guy who sings sometimes and writes a lot. I think I understand why a wife or family may be an important thing in a man’s life. I mean, If for anything it may help you to not go totally mad.

Vancouver has actually gone insane already. He is only 23 but I think he may be certifiable already.

Although on an entirely different note, we did manage to bake a ham this week in our continuing adventures of meat making. I poured maple syrup all over the ham before I put it in. Don't ask me why. I just thought it would taste good. But of course that was a huge mistake because maple syrup is somehow flammable who the fuck knew that. and so the entire house filled with smoke within fifteen minutes and we had to run out coughing and screaming.... but after all, the ham didn't taste that bad.

Current Spin: collection of fifties doo-wop. Great.

“Life, a sexually transmitted incurable disease.”

1-17-03

I am on the phone with Microsoft tech support. About the diaries and saving word files as web pages. Cust service was great. You pay like $35 for each time you call them. for me it has always been worth it to pay and just collect a few issues and get them all answered or resolved at once. The tech I am talking to is in India. Of course. She tells me its about 2 in the morning where she is. I told her it is very sad now about how we are losing all of our jobs here to other countries. she said she understood. I told her that now Dell, American express, Sony, and now even Microsoft have all moved their tech support centers to India. And last week cover of New York Times read “Zero Percent Job Growth in last quarter of 2003.” Zero percent job growth?! Can you imagine? In the land of the American dream???!!! Fucked up. and here I am on the phone with a supposed Microsoft tech support agent—supposedly an American company---and she is in some small town in India. No wonder.

Went to the 5^th annual MC awards at tobacco road, a local club. The awards are an extreme joke, but somehow unite the music community like nothing else. MC is like “And now for our next award. For the guy who thinks he doesn’t have to start on time, who thinks that his whole band should get free food and drinks everytime they walk in the place, who thinks that he should actually be paid to perform, there is only one person who deserves this more than any other, ladies and gentlemen, the Prima Donna of the year award goes to Fishy.” If you’re going to win something, let it be something like this. “Its not easy being a Prima Donna. God knows I've tried over the years. Although some would say I go overboard sometimes, I still haven't perfected the art of it completely. But with this award, you have given me a strength and a courage to continue on in my quest for prima Donnas all over the world. I thank you.” took a bow. All very tongue and cheek.

1-16

Stuck in a time warp. Somewhere between not quite being who I want to be completely, but not half as bad I used to be. When is day and when is night? Went from no caffeine for years to just dousing my body with it the last few months to keep up. Yesterday I had 11 espressos. When I sleep I still feel awake, as if I am watching myself sleep. My mind just racing. Its crazy.

Current Spin: linkin park reanimation remix album. really good.

1-15

Today I am in the closet writing. Me and the laptop and the cat and too many cups of espresso. it is very comfortable. Hanging out with all of your clothes. Good smells and good memories. Seriously. Hanging out in your closet with all of your clothes for an hour or so is like getting to wear all of your outfits at the same time on the same day instead of having to choose just one.

O.k. I'm done studying porn now. Its been about six months. Really dug in and checked it out. A few days ago, I kind of got the ah hah. Here's the deal. At first it does seem gross and nasty and disgusting and distasteful and soul-less and all that. to some, I might add. Maybe not to everyone. I know some guys and girls who don't mind it all. think its great. And so that's why I decided to really dive in and research it myself. Because I didn't feel that way about it. so I wanted to discover why. the idea was to dive in and integrate it. you know, you can’t be grossed out by something but still be attracted to it in some way. That whole desire/resist paradigm is a sure sign that you have un-integrated beliefs surrounding something. which then takes up some of your attention, which then weakens your overall personal power. which in turn inhibits your ability to create.... by now we know the drill. Already wrote about the whole porn thing a lot; but I guess the conclusion is that sex is sex. Sex is different than love. And that yucky feeling that one can get from porn is from confusing the two. People think oh that's so gross. Those people don't even know each other. That is such soul-less, loveless sex.

But that's the point. Yes. That's exactly what it is. its sex. for the sake of sex. But what you have to get over is the idea or belief that that's bad in some way. I mean, granted, a lot of gross and bad things can come out of the whole sex porn scene, things like child porn, or abusive drug use, or sexually transmitted diseases and all that, but any industry can be that way. shopping at the Gap or buying Nike shoes supports children and women working in sweat shops for 30 cents an hour under horrible conditions at machine-gun point, seriously—so go figure. That doesn’t stop people from shopping there. But that doesn’t make sex for the sake of sex a bad thing. you know? that was the piece for me. realizing that its this natural thing. sex. its not love. Its not about couples or relationships. Its like anything else that we enjoy here on earth. Like food or shopping or chocolate or love. But its sex. and so porn is like the Starbucks for people who like sex. and maybe that's not necessarily a bad thing. or a good thing. it just is. you know, getting off does feel good. and I think, and this is where we really go deep in the trenches of the human psyche, I think that if it doesn’t feel good to people, I mean, I think if they do have hang ups about themselves getting off, or enjoying sex, or other people enjoying sex and being into it, without being married and all that more conservative religious stuff, then there are probably just some screwed up beliefs inside there that need to be cleared. Its not that you start getting all into it and lose sight of being married or being in a great relationship or being monogamous to your partner or anything like that. You don't lose that. you don't lose your desire for love and romance. its just maybe that you realize that sex is this normal thing that is a part of and yet can be totally separate from all of that other stuff.

[o.k. I thought more about it. I watched some of this German gang-bang porn---ten guys do another man’s wife on their wedding night---every man’s dream for his wedding night, right?... The Germans have the most wacky, most disturbing porns out there, lets just put it that way---this one is mild compared to what they put out... I won't go into the details. the Dutch are very loose and free as well, very matter of fact about it, in the Swedish porns the girls are always these blond little tarts laughing and giggling the whole time—like they're all at the beach. The French porns are so matter of fact that they don't even seem pornographic. The guy is like (in this thick French) yeah do me baby.... and its like you're watching a couple of people wash their car... but forget all that.

I wanted to understand what it was... I went inside, deep inside, just sat and meditated on this, trying to get to the bottom of why at some point, did WE decide in our consciousness to make porn or gratuitous sex seem like such a bad thing. Why do so many religions consider it wrong? Why are they so against sex for the pleasure of sex? Why is it labeled a sin? Why was it originally labeled a sin? What is it that everyone is so against? Everytime you hit a brick wall in your thinking about something, when you just can’t figure it out, you just turn around and head somewhere else, it feels like your mind is a snake, just twisting and turning through consciousness until you get to the core of whatever it is that you’re trying to get to the bottom of. A minute or two later I got it.

As with all things religious or allegedly “of God,” this too was cultural, and survival related to our species... before we decided to start feeling this way about sex, I have no idea when it was---Islam is only 1400 years old, Christianity only 2000 years old, Judaism about 5000 years old, all preach against sexual promiscuity without marriage and all that.... so before these religions... imagine what it must have been like for us before that... I mean, women didn't even start getting real rights till the 20^th century... so back then people were probably just doing each other all the time... and chances are it was probably the men who decided these types of things. the old cave man beats the woman over the head with a club thing we see in cartoons... I felt into that.... wow. Its an intense thought when you think about it. The poor women throughout history....

so the sex thing, before religion came around... what happens when you have sex? You have babies. And what happens if you have babies but you aren't married and you don't know who the father is? Many moms roaming around with many babies and no husband or man around. Not good for us or our survival. So you can see how these types of taboos begin in consciousness and then in society. When people first started preaching against it --- casual sex, gratuitous sex for the sake of sex, sex without marriage --- it was probably just to avoid thousands of fatherless babies being born with no one to take care of them. when people started saying that it is ‘immoral,’ indeed it was. Not in a God type fire and brimstone way, but in a holy shit we have to find a way to stop these people from having sex and leaving all these unfathered children all over the fucking place kind of way. But how do you get ‘the people’ to stop it? Simple. Use God. Tell people that something is not good for them, and they don't care. Tell the people that to have promiscuous sex outside of marriage is “morally wrong” in the eyes of God and that they will burn in hell of eternity and you might make better progress. People are always more frightened of God than they are of losing their lives...

[Reading this book about Abraham Lincoln. And the book is constantly referring to slaves. or ‘the slaves.’ like, ‘he helped free the slaves.’ As if there were this people called the slaves. Of course that's a total misnomer. There never were any slaves. these were people. just like the people who were enslaving these people were. they weren't slaves. they were people who were enslaved. Just like you and me if we were ever to be enslaved by someone bigger or stronger than we are. its bullshit to call a group of us slaves, just become some assholes took advantage of these people. especially now, when we’re looking back it. [I swear to God if I were alive back then it would have been very hard for me not to take a gun and just shoot as many of those fuckhead slave-owners [another misnomer because there were no slaves—just people enslaved, so call the people formerly known as slave-owners ‘the fuckhead bastards.’] as I could have gotten away with before I got caught. When I think of slavery it makes me very angry. It is something I need to work on.] the point is to stop calling or referring to people as slaves from back then. I imagine what would happen if like my mom or dad got enslaved in some other country and I was over here trying to get them free or whatever. We wouldn’t be referring to them as slaves. We’d be calling them ‘Fishy’s mom and dad who are being enslaved by some evil fuckhead bastards.’]

Current Spin: the verve, 1995 northern something or other. Good vibe. Songs o.k.

1-14

Getting drunk is important. Like getting stoned or tripping. Its just something a person has to do. If someone says ‘I did not inhale,’ be afraid. Be very afraid. Went to Purdy lounge to see a few acts. Pepe le pieu sang. Some people call him Rene Alverez and I have no idea why. I have known pepe for maybe sixteen years. he is quite possibly the best singer in Miami. Always has been. One of the two or three best if you throw in Jim Camacho and Rhett in that mix. And the Toad of course. I'm talking guys here only. Plenty of great girl singers. But that's not the point. The point is that he is still a great singer. Singers give up after a while. Performers and artists give up after a while. I don't know why, but they do. they start focusing more on family and making a living, rather than their music, which often times is just no way to make a living. The point is that even though pepe le pieu hasn’t really been taking his music as seriously the last few years he played tonight and was just as good as he has always was. Just really solid. A true talent. From the heart. The music biz is a tough biz. I guess that in the long run, like in any of the arts, after a while you have to make a choice between your art and your living. I have had to make that choice many times in my life but I always choose my art instead of making a living. I hope I never have to choose making a living. I wouldn’t even if I had to.

[Chiara sang last night. I remember seeing her in 2000 a few times at various clubs performing. She was so young and sweet and pure. She always wore these little sun dresses and she just sang so wonderfully. She then moved to LA to ‘try to make it.’ last night when I saw her I didn't even recognize her until someone told me who she was. She was all dolled up. wearing a suit type of outfit. Smoking cigarettes. Lots of make up and acting very cynical. It wasn't like the show sucked. It just lacked that innocent charm she once had. later that night. I was very laid back on this couch because this guy who was sitting next to me had this water bong with the craziest tobacco in it. some kind of herbs. So we were all hitting this thing and feeling really groovy. Chiara came up to me and we talked for a while. I was so loose, I just started talking without holding back. just laying there on the couch. She asked me what I thought of the show. I told her that it was good. but that somewhere down the line it appeared as if she was losing a part of herself. ‘Chiara, remember when you used to be all sweet and joyful all the time? well that used to come through on stage. And it was part of your show. It was the “thing.” you know.“ “are you saying I don't have the “thing” anymore?” “No, no. no. you definitely have ‘it.’ o.k. what I'm saying is this. Just remember why you make music.” I smiled. “I know you're out in LA now. But you're not making music to get signed to a major record label. Or to be on MTV. Or to be famous.” “How do you know why I make music?” “O.k. fine, maybe you are that way but I doubt it. Just hear me out...” “fine. You weirdo.” “I'll take that as a compliment.” “You shouldn’t.” “I will anyway. Just listen. What I'm saying is that you aren't a singer because you want to be famous or because you want to make a lot of money or because you want to be a star and sell thigh masters in twenty years...right? You make music because its inside of you and it makes you feel good when you do it. You know? Some people are like that. And that's you. and if you're going to focus on that other stuff, which is important no doubt, because we need to make a living. Fucking Christ I know that more than anyone. But just don't forget who you are and why you're doing this. The joy is in your music. not the chase for the gold. You know? let that joy out and don't be afraid of it.” she started crying. We’re in this club and she starts crying. And I am baked on this strange herbal tobacco mixture and 2 white Russians. “I know what you mean. Why are you.... why are you.... so.... so...” she sobs a bit “so what?” I ask. “so .... like this? How do you know this? I don't even know you...” “We’ve met before.” I say. “Fine. We've met before.” she mocks me. “But Its not like we’re friends or anything. Why did you tell me this?” “Are you mad at me? I'm sorry. I'm a little drunk. I'm kind of just floating.... Going on instinct. Perhaps I should have just tried to have sex with you instead and not spoken from my heart. Would you have preferred that?” she just looked up at me between tears like don't be a jerk... “I smoked from this water pipe...i don't know who’s it is... here take a hit of this. its really nice...” I handed her the water pipe and she took a few hits. She stopped crying. “God.... I so know what you mean. Its so hard.... to remember.... was I that bad up there?” “No. not at all. You weren't bad at all. You were great. I would definitely do you. I'm just saying, don't let the chase drag you down. Remember the joy of the music in you.” “God fishy. Thank you. You are so sweet.” “Well you’re welcome.” “Everyone says you're so sweet, and its true, you really are.” “Everyone says I'm sweet? I thought everyone said I was an asshole.” “No I think that's just you who says that. In those insane diaries of yours. Why do you post all that anyway?” “I'm not sure. I think perhaps I'm insane as you say and none of us know it.” “No. I would disagree with you there. I think everyone definitely knows it. you are definitely insane.” she laughed. I laughed. We were laughing. And smoking. From some water pipe that belonged to someone we didn't even know; on a couch in the dark in some dingy club in the wee small hours of the morning.]

Rehearsed with cooper tonight for about five hours and all we did was learn new songs. Seriously thinking of starting to record a new new new album. crazy I know. sleep with you just came out in December and our new new album, nothing is cohesive, is being mixed now. but what the hell. Strike while the iron is hot as they say. I am on such a roll. Just writing non-stop everyday. New songs: we are columbine, last stand at the walls of Zion, messed it up again, turn a blind eye, something bigger, somebody save me, nobody’s listening to you. just constantly writing. I told cooper, ‘look man, I don't care if I have to sell my house and live on the street. The idea is just to keep getting the work done man. That's what its all about now for me. just getting it out there. I don't know how other bands do it, just putting out one album every year or two. I just couldn’t do that. we just have to keep recording and not stop. Because one day this is going to dry up. I know it. I have seen it in all the greats. They all dry up, but right now I am on this roll so we just have to keep recording. Major label to back us or not, just do whatever it takes to keep getting the music out. I am very lucky to be where I am today. very lucky to be in this zone where I can’t stop writing. it won't last forever.

Current Spin: tried to get through Nelly furtado’s new one. just could not get into it at all. so polished and glossy sounding. Not my thing. but I still believe in her.

1-13

Today I ran G2 through some Avatar processing over the msn Instant messenger. Because his mom is sick. It is unbelievable, these tools, and you do not have to be in person. you can do it through the phone or IM or even email. how funny and wonderful.

Had a fun coffee date last night with Sasx. Hadn't seen each other in a long time. talked for hours about dating and many things. so much fun. And hilarious.

Penn State launches Napster music service
01/13/04 09:41 AM, EST
The launch of Napster's online music service for Penn State students generated about 100,000 downloads or streaming-audio requests Monday, three days after its debut, school officials said.
FULL STORY

Very cool! I actually think we are going to get through this ‘people stealing other people’s music’ thing. I don't think we’re going to stop it completely. But I do think it is going to decrease a lot; enough to where we don't have to be afraid of losing our way of making a living.

1-12

I allow myself the freedom to be the artist I have always known I could be. I want to open up more. Expand more. and allow more.

Restructuring:

I am processing now everyday in the early morning in the bathtub. It becomes a sanctuary. I focus on a primary and then I allow any and all secondaries to come up and then I discreate them. I have been doing it for about a month now. it has been amazing. it feels like restructuring. Wayne dyer calls it shifting paradigms. Yes. exactly. It is restructuring. I have realized that it is almost impossible to create a reality if there are numerous beliefs that oppose that reality. So the key is in the discreate. The key is not in trying to resist those beliefs or hide them or ignore them or avoid them or try to work around them or trying to use your will to create over them, etc.... all of that can work, and sometimes does. But what I've noticed is that you can get to this amazing state of clarity where beliefs that we do not prefer to have—realities that are being created automatically based on the beliefs that are creating them underneath---can be completely let go of, can just totally disappear, and you end up feeling so clean and clear and happy and light. It is truly unbelievable.

Maddie and Mohdie had their baby today. she had to have a c section, due to slight complications in labor. She labored for 48 hours or something crazy like that. I just talked to her. She promised to share the drugs she is on with me. She told me that there is nothing to compare the pain to. it was excruciating she says. Maybe only a really bad toothache in intensity, she says.

All of my ex-girlfriends are having babies. I want to have babies. Why? Why do we want to have children?

This is Maddie with her new baby. She is my best friend. When I look at her it as if I am looking at myself. Like she is my twin or something...

Many beautiful pix of Mohdie with the baby too, but if I post a pic of him he will kill me. he loves Tool. So he is scary...

1-11

Just read the most disturbing article about the holocaust in Waco, TX. Fucking crazy. How did something like that happen and we did nothing about it? Are we helpless now here? are we prisoners in our own country and perhaps just do not know it? am I insane for dreaming of true freedom. A freedom where an atrocity such as this could and would never happen to anyone?

1-10

Spent the entire day working on the diaries and writing songs. Then rehearsed with cooper. He’s getting better. He quit smoking pot for the New Year. So his true emotions are coming out now. just coming out all over the place. like a blossoming flower, a neurotic one. It is amazing to watch people quit drinking or doing a drug they are used to. Because once they stop suppressing their feelings then all of a sudden a whole new person comes out; their heart’s true feelings and their mind’s true thoughts and fears and desires and tons of stuff. they become much bigger and brighter people.

Tonight went to see the new world symphony perform two symphonies. One by Hayden. And the last one by Shostakovich. Went with the girl from Venezuela. The Hayden was fine. Nice. but as soon as the first movement started from Shostakovich’s 8^th symphony I felt like I was catapulted into some kind of a .... I don't know how to put it in words. this was by far the greatest musical experience I have ever had so far. the only other concert or performance that I can remember that even came close to approximating the emotional effect was the U2 elevation tour and a few Dead shows in the late eighties and early nineties. This piece of music---his eighth symphony—is maybe the best piece of music I have ever heard. It was so dramatic and emotional and powerful---I mean like forty fucking minutes straight of this surge of passion---that it rendered everything else in my life inconsequential during the entire performance. It was just unfuckingbeleivable. I never knew he was so good. so brilliant. My body and my heart were on edge the whole time. My mouth hanging open. I just kept saying to myself, ‘oh my God.’

When I am alone I take incessant notes no matter where I am, especially at concerts. But I couldn’t even take notes I was so moved. I just sat there immobilized in a way. didn't want to miss a second. But I perfected this method where everytime I would think of something I need to take a note on I count it on one of my fingers. And then I remember how many fingers I have made a note on. Hard to explain. So my thumb would be one idea and I look at my thumb and recite the idea out loud to myself and then I get another idea and assign it to my forefinger and then look at both fingers and then recite both ideas and on and on and so when I left he concert I could look at my fingers and remember that I had made five notes in my mind, one for each finger and then I could quickly recall all five ideas without actually having to take out a pad and write throughout the whole performance. Just a note. Something to remember. You can at least capture ten different ideas on both hands without having to write anything down. Good way of remembering things when you can’t take notes.

Listening to the music moved me so much as a composer/songwriter. Made me realize how stupid I am for not dedicating even more time and money and energy to music making. My God do you hear that? I would think. it is stupendous. I mean, I should just be dedicating all my time to making music to learning more and more about music and writing and composing more and more and more. It made me realize that above all else should come the music. not that it hasn’t been that way for me because it has almost my whole life. but not enough. I need to kick it into overdrive now. do it even more. just stop worrying about or concerning myself with anything else in my world and just completely dedicate to making the absolute best possible music I can in this short life I will live. I can imagine making a piece of music as good as this one I head tonight. I can. I will. but I am not there yet. I wouldn’t even begin to know how to do it yet. I am still just writing 3 to 6 minute pop/rock songs. How the hell do you write a symphony? And even better, more important, how do you mix the two together? Great rock with great orchestral/symphonic music with great experimental/ambient music? and yeah I know a lot of cats tried it in the seventies. But that was not my thing. except Queen, who just took it somewhere amazing.

Really good time with the new girl Columbia. She is smart. Again, communication is rather stilted between us because of the language barrier but I can tell she is very intelligent, well read, well thought out. I have enjoyed practicing Spanish with her. tonight she gave me a CD of Maria callas operatic arias. Interesting.

After having to edit the diaries of the last two years over the last few months, I was astounded, and I might add, quite tired/bored of having to read how much I dedicated to writing about love and relationships and marriage. Just something that I really needed to explore the last two years I guess. But I am bored of it. Tonight during the concert, I had this realization. In the form of a primary. Closed my eyes and just focused. Decided to create that ‘I will meet my wife at the right time for both of us. it will work out perfectly.’ And that was that. I will let the whole thing go. stop thinking about it. stop thinking about dating and love and the whole thing. I don't even know if I have it in me to get married for ‘forever.’ and truly I am tired of thinking about it. and if that's the case then one would assume that I will never meet her. So that's that. I'm not going to think or talk or write about it anymore. Over.

Same thing with war and politics. It’s a new year. so no more talk of war or government or politics either. Just the most noble bohemian values of freedom beauty truth and love. [this I gotta see. Hehe.]

Quote: "In fact," says Dr. Dyer, "I agree with Carl Jung, who said that one of the main functions of formalized religion is to protect people against a direct experience of God."

Current Spin: Maria callas most famous arias.

1-08

quick notes: I am in Boca Raton to have dinner with the Cat and the kids and with K because she just had a baby. ( I just checked this file I keep in here that lists all the characters and their names—there are about 178 characters now in The Adventures of Fishy—but for some reason she never got a name. she did just recently get married and I remember going to the wedding with Cleopatra. What did I call her in that entry??? Hold on I will go look for that... nope. No name.) They are going to think I am socio-pathic sitting out here in their driveway typing while they are inside waiting for me to arrive.

The cat still lives in the same house they have always lived in. In the same neighborhood as Cleo and I used to live in before we moved to Miami. I had not been here in about a year or more. but this time instead of just going to her house I went to Starbucks. I had to drive right into my o ld neighborhood. Crazy. I'm screaming to cat on the phone ‘what do you want from Starbucks? Oh my fucking oul is crushed! I can’t take it. A grande nonfat what???! Oh my God Cat! my heart is breaking into pieces all over my lap while I am driving. I am seeing our old neighborhood where Cleo and I lived for so many years!” “Fishy just get over it and go get my café mocha. See you soon sweetie.”

I went into Starbucks. Wow. Boca Raton is so clean and nice and friendly. My God where the fuck do we live in Miami? its like the third world. Everything is so chaotic and crazy and dirty and soul- less. Wow no wonder I used to love living here so much. I really believe the devil himself keeps his second home in Miami. perhaps that's what that dreadful feeling is there that causes everything to be so weird and creepy and sinister. [note: I never kept diaries in Boca Raton,. For the six years that Cleo and I were together and lived in Boca—were these the happiest years of my life? perhaps they were----I would only jot down furious notes about everything. Lots of lists of things----did this, did that, did this, did that----but never really dove into keeping regular diaries, but what I did do was work on old diaries from the years before---the original adventures of fishy—pre Cleo. Now that we have found them again, I can start getting those finished and posted. But the point is that all I have is these memories of those years here. no actual diaries. A lot of notes though. the diaries pretty much start up again sometime after Cleo and I break up. But I want to be able to take the time and write those years. dare i?]

Cat called while I was driving through the old neighborhoods. My heart was surprisingly calm. Moved. But calm and peaceful. “where the hell are you Fishy? we are waiting.” “Cat, I'm going to drive by my old house and kill myself in the street in front of it. I'll be there soon. don't worry.” “o.k. hurry.” So weird. They cut the fucking hedges too low. Those ignorant bastards. The fir tree is huge. My God look at it. holy shit! Where is my ficus tree I planted? Those fucks! Did they kill it? cut it down? That was the first tree Cleo and I ever bought. We were just kids back then. We were like little kids in a play. Moving in together for the first time. not knowing any of the rules. Bought a tree for our first little rental apartment. Man we grew up fast. we became rich so fast. so successful so fast. man we were speed demons. Working day and night in shifts. Never stopped talking about money and business. within three years of being together we were supporting everyone on both sides of our family. We kicked ass together. Now look at us. we can barely speak on the phone without someone shouting. I just think that for us—and it isn't this way for all couples—but for us, combining our business with our relationship was just too much for us to bear. Working together destroyed our romance. which is sad, because we had an amazing romance. something from a dream or a movie. My last three albums spoke more about it than anything I could ever write in here.

My God look at the lawn. These people are barbarians. I used to slave away in that lawn every few days trying to make the yard look really nice for Cleopatra, while she passed time in the kitchen making the most amazingly delicious and healthy meals for us. And now look at it. It was such a sense of pride for me. working in the yard. i thought that's what men did. trying to be a good husband type of guy. I looked into the windows and doors of our old abode from my car. Felt like a spy. Tried to remember what it felt like to live there. Its been so long since I have seen this house. I looked at our bedroom which was right off the front. Man, did the person I was back then have any idea how things would turn out a few years later? How weird. Look at us now. the cat and the Wolf are divorced now. remember how we used to come to their house all the time and play with the kids and eat dinner. And I swear to God when we would come home we would always compare ourselves to the Wolf and the cat and talk about how much stronger our relationship was to theirs and how we were going to last forever. how weird. And now we’re all broken up. they're broken up. same thing with the Brown Bear. His marriage was the first to go. didn't last more than a few years. but he seems so happy now with his new wife. Like for real happy.

Cleo seems really happy too with the White Knight and her new baby. Here I am in this old neighborhood of ours. where we bought the first house of our lives together. And now she's remarried and has a baby. And I'm o.k. with it. She’s o.k. with it. Time flies. And the cat seems super happy now with her new boyfriend soon to be husband. Man times change. People change. Everything keeps changing. This is too weird. Does anything stay the same? Someone let the dog and the kids out to come get me. I gotta go in and say hello to everyone. More later.

Pause

O.k. its about 7 hours later. I'm back home now in Miami. I feel so good now. just totally refreshed and alive and almost reborn from this visit to the cat’s. I love her so much and the girls. More catching up with K and getting to meet her new baby. She insisted on telling the cat’s new boy all about our old love affair, which was by this time some 12 or more years old news. ‘I still say that Fishy is the love of my life.’ ‘well if I was the love of your life then what are you doing married to some other guy with this beautiful new baby?’ ‘that's just the way you are Fishy. you love them and leave them...’ ‘well I think that is a horrible thing to say considering you are happily married. And besides I never leave any girls. They always leave me.’ ‘that's because you leave them no choice. You make them leave you. that's your subtle way.’ ‘so is this what you brought me over here for Cat? This is just great. What a nice way to start a dinner amongst old friends.’ ‘we’re just teasing you Fishy! but that's quite a string of true loves you’ve left behind over the years. any future ex-girlfriends in your life now? When are you going to get married?!’ ‘whatever. can we just eat?’

What I did feel from this all is that people do get divorced. And its o.k. things move on. People change. Maybe marriage isn't such a bad thing after all. I'm not saying we should just jump into anything with the knowing that if it doesn’t work we can just get divorced, but maybe we don't have to wait till we’re sixty to get married either just because we fear divorce so much. Its official and I hesitate to even put in down in writing but I haven't been a relationship in almost three years. I find it so hard to believe. I used to be so uptight about being alone and not having a girlfriend. But now I just think its wonderful. That I have allowed myself this time to discover me and really explore who I am as a person. how cool. I didn't think I had it in me. but I did. and its been great. I have become so much stronger and wiser and more confident as a person these years. like now I know who I am. I really know me. and I am happy. (o.k. I know, happiness is a pretty subjective term, especially the way that I use it.) but for a while there, I mean really for most of my life, I just never knew if I was able to be happy without being with someone. And now I know I can. I'm good with me. three years without a relationship. God that is so fucking cool. I did it. I discovered myself. I never even knew that was what I was doing. But it was.

But that doesn’t mean that I'm not looking around every corner for Mrs. Right. cause if I was to be honest and open about it, that is exactly what I’m doing. But not because I'm looking to get married because honestly who really cares? For what? Cause that's what we’re supposed to do? that's the way it goes? That's the norm? whatever. fuck that. that's the beauty of waiting this long. of going the distance. You let all that go. you become a man of the world. you become one with yourself and you let all those societal obligations and expectations go. in the long run who even cares about all that. but wouldn’t it just be amazing to meet someone who just totally blew you away and made your heart sing? Imagine meeting a woman who was so smart, so witty and intelligent and interesting and charming that you just really wanted to marry her? Not because you wanted to get married but because you wanted to be with her all the time and keep her all to yourself. And imagine if you meant all that and more to her as well. now that would be something to celebrate. Man that would be something. I think I'm starting to understand it.

Ps---the pot roast came out excellent. We have gotten three days worth of meals out of it. delicious. What should be the next big piece of meat I try to cook? Maybe a turkey or a ham or something. how exciting!

Last screening: somethings gotta give with jack and Diane. Great movie.

Current Spin: The songs we love---music from the old Hollywood movies. Judy garland and gene Kelley and Casablanca and all that. very nice

1-05-03

Several things real quick...

Towards the end of holiday at moms I discovered that you can actually make meat in the oven and then not only eat this freshly made meat a few hours later, but that you can then use it for sandwiches for days and days afterwards. It was like a revelation. Single guys can cook meat at their house? no way. so off rushed to the grocery store to buy some meat. Buying meat is another story. There is a lot of meat out there. and with the whole mad cow disease thing happening now here in the states, it’s a little intimidating. If one is to die from eating a piece of meat, then it better be the right meat. I mean, it better be a damn good piece of meat. But what is a good piece of meat. I had the Little Tree on the phone. “I'm in the meat department. What do I buy???” “well what do you want?” “how the hell do I know? I've never made meat before.” “well what do you eat at home then?” she asks. “I haven't eaten at home in years. I don't eat anything at home. sometimes popcorn. Cereal and milk. Brie and crackers. Fruit. Pasta. Soup. and that's on the rare occasion.” “So what kind of meat do you like?” “Well what is a pot roast like? Could we make roast beef out of that?” “Yes you can.” “you mean I can just buy a pot roast and then cook it in the oven and pretty soon we could have slices of roast beef in the house?” “Yes you can.” “o.k. so that's what I will buy. A pot roast. And we’ll cook it ourselves.”

So later on I called Bellsouth about the phone bill. “Mam I think there is a problem on our phone.” “what is it?” “well doesn’t it seem a bit high?” “well isn't this what you always pay?” she asks. “to be honest, I have no idea.” I say. “I haven’t paid bills in years. And now I am just starting to take a look at them and it appears that we’re paying like over a hundred dollars just for local phone service and we don't even use that phone. In fact I don't even know where the house phone is. I mean we have cell phones and all...” I had her on the portable phone. And I was walking around the house talking to her. She was trying to talk me into keeping all these extra things that we had which makes sense, I mean that's their job, and I was trying to get it lower. “Honestly mam, I haven't even seen our house phone in years. I don't think we should really be paying so much. Lets just have the basic phone thing in the house just in case we ever find it and need it, O.K?....

by the way, I'm trying to cook a roast in the oven... do you know anything about making a roast???” “Excuse me sir?” “Well you know, we’re a couple of single guys and we've decided to make meat in our own oven here at our house. and I'm not sure how to do it. Have you ever made meat at your house before?” I think she went into shock at first. But then she started breaking everything down for me and asking me all these questions. “Do you have a meat thermometer there sir?” “Uh I wouldn’t know. where do I look for a meat thermometer. Does it come with the meat?” “O.k. forget about that. do you have a bag of potatoes there?” “Oh no, but that would be great wouldn’t it?” “Well of course. Then you could use the juices of the meat to marinate the potatoes.” “Wow this is really exciting isn't it?” I say to the very friendly customer service rep from the phone company.

She must have stayed on the phone with me for about a half hour or so. She guided me through the whole meat making process. Maybe just for roasts. She also started teaching me about the different kinds of meats that are out there. this thing in our oven was a shoulder. Can you imagine? We eat shoulders of other animals. Wild. She was a wife and mother of three so she knew all about making meat. She went on to give me such good advice about cooking meats and stuff in the oven. It was great. She taught me all this stuff about cooking. Taught me how to season it and how long to keep it in for. I got home last night at about 3 in the morning and opened the oven to see what I made. it looked like Bas had already took some huge chunks out of it so it must be pretty good. I started shaving off little slices and tasting it. Before I knew it I was standing there in the dark just savoring this fresh warm roast beef in my own kitchen. Crazy. In a few days I will try to make something else.

Thinking more and more about the George bush attacking Iraq thing. and here's the deal. Its not like I'm jumping sides here. But I started to look at it from their perspective. From the other side. I'm seeing the whole situation in a different light now. I know it sounds crazy. the 9/11 attacks gave us the opportunity to take over Afghanistan. I don't know if we really needed Afghanistan or not. And from what I know we had already been supporting the Taliban for years giving them millions of dollars but after those 9/11 attacks they pretty much sealed their fate. The Afghans were soon to be ours.

Obviously they couldn’t attack Saudi Arabia. Because evidently the Bushes are in too deep with the Saudi families. The rumor is that's why finding or catching Osama bin laden hasn’t been such a big priority because he may have more to do with the Saudis than anyone's willing to consider. So we sort of put that whole thing on the back burner. Just cannot go there. we already have Israel. And Egypt. And then there are all these other countries mixed up in there, and Iraq was the easiest target. They must have known that the guy wasn't going to be much of a match. And not only that, but he has all this oil. So not only could we get access to all this oil, we could also get a stronger foot hold in the middle east and not risk huge losses in a war because they figured Iraq didn't have much of an army. If anything it just strengthens our foundation in the Middle East strategically. And then bam look what happens to Libya. They got scared and just said fuck it lets join the infidels because we don't want this happening in our own country. So there it is.

Of course that's just one way to look at it. but its one more country we control now in the middle east. And in the long run that may be a good thing. in the long run, it could be a great thing. and if one of those other countries does end up going crazy and freaking out and attacking us then we have a good solid military base in Iraq from this point on. Right smack dab in the middle of all the chaos and craziness. We may look back at this later and think that it was one of the coolest smoothest most intelligent decisions we could have made. who knows? the only problem of course is that we may have made a lot of people mad. Just not more Muslims, who could attack us in retaliation at any minute but I think pretty much the rest of the world as well. but maybe we can just blame it all on bush and then when he leaves the office we can just claim innocence and keep Iraq anyway. Since we already have it. Why not? We can all just claim it wasn't us and it was all him. you know, secretly, he could still be a national hero, but we’ll just keep it to ourselves. And if any country gives us any lip we could just raise the price of our new Iraq oil for them and levy a bunch of economic sanctions against them like we did to Iraq the last ten years until their economy just tanks and then we could take over their country too.

Definitely starting to see the bigger picture.

Went to a lecture on Shostakovich tonight at the new world symphony. Ran into the Brit who has since separated from Biga. They were together for 23 years. with three children. I had heard that they separated. But now it was right in my face. So weird. But we went and had a few beers with his new girlfriend at the abbey brewery. Good tall dark home made brews. I was impressed with how easy it all seemed to him. divorcing your wife of 23 years and all. he seemed like it was just a breeze. Beliefs. I have not spoken to Biga yet though. 3 sides to every story of course.

Then off to a little Italian café to meet jazz and a friend. Hadn't seen her since I returned to Miami. had some dinner with them. then a meeting with Jo. Just to give her some advice about her career. She asked me to give her my top five mistakes so she wouldn’t make them herself. Number one, considering our recent luck at turning off every female DJ and music journalist in America: have someone else choose your CD cover. Number two (same reason): have someone else choose your song order.

Then off to Purdy lounge to see father Bloopy play their first and farewell concert. Great show. Bloopy is like my kid brother but I found myself learning a lot during the show. Such a super talent. Talk more during your set. Be more open and joke more. be yourself. His songwriting is very original. All these different parts coming in and out of his music. Just totally non-linear.

Jazz was there too. Sexual tension. How long do we play this game?

Good talks with Cleo today. As friends. Really good talks. We need desperately to get away from each other permanently. To not speak for months or even years. just be there as friends but not be connected in any way to one another. she and I both decided that I need to sell the house and just get the hell out of here. I have been back for 24 hours and feel like a fish out of water big time. what the hell am I still doing here?

Vancouver telling us that he has a shit load of gigs coming up with the Latin singer from music hell. Lets call him the karaoke devil. Since the whole band goes on stage and actually mimes all their parts. It isn't even a real live band thing when they tour. Just total bullshit. he is very young and he is very confused. Asked me bro what should I do. I love you guys but this is such a good opportunity? I told him listen mate, I feel like you older brother, and honestly we can’t afford to lose you. we love you and transcendence is not transcendence without you. that’s for sure. But who knows? this is such a good opportunity for you who knows what could happen. Elton johns tour manager could see yo out on the road and get you to play guitar for Elton’s next big tour. So just go for it and if we have to we will get a sub for you for our own tour. lets all just be very respectful of this delicate situation. we love you man. Lets at least agree to keep recording together as a band because we are making really good music together. He was moved and I was somehow relieved. Don't ask me hwy. Because we are expected to tour now to support sleep with you. But some how it felt like the right thing to say in that moment. With the Latin singer gig he can pull in 2500 bucks a week. with a modern rock band in our situation, even with a CD in the top 40, he will be lucky to pull in 50 a week. so I had to give him the just advice.

Had this major realization. Simple. I was thinking about the Venezuelan chick I have a date with tomorrow night actually. but I was thinking about my own unwillingness to call her or date her again—just this total knowing inside to not call her, regardless of how I feel or how much desire I have to. And I have always been thinking about myself in this. that maybe there is someone more aligned right around the corner so we can’t risk messing it up. Maybe that's why I'm not vibing with this and find it so hard to call her back etc... because the ONE could be right around the corner. But then last night I realized holy shit what if it has nothing to do with me at all. What if it is just that I am so plugged to this intuition thing and I'm feeling that it is best for her if we don't go out??? What if this is just about her??? What if the love of HER life is right around the corner??? What a fucking concept. What if it isn't always about us??? [like with la Princesa I just knew, I could feel it so much that I was sick when we were together. I knew it wasn't right to be with her even though I really loved her. So I went with that feeling and a month later she meets the man she marries six months later. So...]

Got so drunk at the club. Felt great. Put in the CD of the new mixes from the new new album, put the top down, lit a stogie, and let the car just fly down the freeway. Sounds great. Old school. But great. I flew.

Processing a lot right now. Non stop. Morning noon and night. Just trying to get to the bottom of how I feel and what I really believe. What is creating this reality I am currently creating??? Spent over an hour in the tub today. at least. Maybe two hours. Every morning. Just a slow methodical loving process everyday. Creating new realities and letting old realities go.

1-04-04

You ever notice that the diaries are all backwards? Man that's weird. They are in a sort of chronological order but they go backwards instead of forwards. G2 probably came up with that crazy idea and I prob just went with it not thinking about it. now its two years later and I'm realizing that when you read these things they're all going the wrong way. instead of the lead character getting smarter and wiser he gets dumber and dumber. I have spent the last two weeks trying to finish editing them in order to get them back up, and by the time you reach the end of them, which is actually the beginning of them, the guy is just a rambling idiot. not that he's much different now. Perhaps if anything, now, he may just be a bit more concise about it.

[Spitting up a lot of blood tonight for some reason. Shouldn’t have started smoking again. its either that or I might have broken a rib snowboarding, and not just cracked it. Still hurts like crazy to inhale. Taking a lot of pain pills for the pain. its probably no more than 40 degrees out here right now.]

My last night here at moms. Everyone has flown home already except for me. I leave in the morning. Can’t wait to get home and jam with the band. But every year it gets harder to leave home after the holidays I notice.

I am longing to make big bank now and be able to support everyone so they can stop working. It is all I think about. All I meditate on. All I pray for. All day and night long. To be able to afford to give mom tons of money so she can do whatever she wants, and Beav and his family. And Laura and the three nieces. Not big things, but just enough so no one has to work anymore or worry about money. I made my list of goals and outcomes for 2004 a few nights ago. 17 of them this year. some big. Some small. But number one on the list is this one. There is nothing I want more now than to accomplish this. I can’t really think of anything else that would be more cool and rewarding than that. after that then maybe we can work on other things, but for now that seems like just about the most important thing I could do.

Last screening: little women. The newest one. [o.k. so add winona Ryder to the list. Along with Penelope Cruz, and Julia Roberts. They're all taken now of course, so my superhero girl will have to be a perfect little healthy mix of all three of them. and you know what? Not a bone in me doubts she will be anything but.] His girl Friday, with Cary grant. Watched a few old movies with mom tonight till she feel asleep. Now I'm out here in the freezing cold writing just so I can have a last cigar or two and a glass of brandy before the holiday is over and the year begins anew.

1-3-04

note: two days ago there was this huge family blow up between t and mom. The whole house was in an uproar. Except for me of course. Who just sort of minded my own business. Everyone was upset, taking sides, and having their own little temper tantrum. Soon everyone was saying they were leaving. I mean everyone, and taking the five nieces with them. But I would have none of it. I just kept walking around the house talking to everyone attempting to patch things up between everyone. When lollie and the three went to the front door to leave I just started moving their luggage and belongings back into the house and said no I'm sorry we have all traveled very far to come out here and be together and we must stay together. Families have problems and we are a family so lets just deal with it. and then I would run upstairs and talk five minutes to someone else. as everyone started to confront one another I just kept everything really light in the air and didn't take sides with anyone. I kept sticking up for everyone instead. I took all the girls out side and taught them all how to sword fight with each other like Beaver and I used to do so the adults could be inside screaming at one another and letting their shit out. then they would wander outside and start arguing. So I would just up the lightness in the air. Someone would come outside and start crying so I would just yell louder at the kids having the sword fight “cut her leg off Jackie! Go for her arm Jordan!” so they wouldn’t pay attention to their mom or aunt or grandma crying. I guess the point is that one, families have disagreements, and two, that's alright, three, that doesn’t mean that they have to leave and run away from it, and four, if you’re caught in the middle of it keep the situation light as all hell so people have the opportunity to hash it out so it doesn’t have a chance to come back next year. let everyone know its o.k. that they feel that way and its alright to express it, that in families that's o.k. things ended up getting patched up that day and no one left mom’s house. mission accomplished. It was very cool.

Current read: the history and tradition of Judaism by Ariel Scholar. A good overview. The last few years started to realize that the majority of the world’s problems have been due to humanity’s various major religions. If its not the Catholics running around killing everyone, then it’s the Christians or the Moslems. And then somewhere in between all of this there are the Jews, who have probably contributed more to the evolution and advancement of mankind than any single race/religion/people—what do you call them??? The current essay I am reading offers no solution and agrees that they are not a race, nor a nationality, nor strictly a religion so the point is mute to try to label what exactly a Jew is except one who is descended from Abraham, or more aptly Judah—all very confusing. and somehow they are always kind of tapped in the middle of a lot of this craziness. But the point is that over the last five thousand years its just been total chaos between all these religions. Perhaps it isn't the religions themselves but the people who use the religions as their excuse for misbehaving. Being vehemently not-religious forever, I have been intensely studying the major religions of the world for the last fifteen years or so just to have that foundation. To try to understand what the fuck is going on. Finally feel that now I am able to have a basic understanding of each one. its like the only sane and rational people on the planet today are the non-religious. The only ones who are willing to throw their hands up in the air and be o.k. with the fact that we really don't know what the fuck is up with our origin or where we’re all going after we die. So the non-religious minority have had to sit and watch for thousands of years while the religious among us have wreaked all kinds of havoc on the earth and killed millions of people in the name of their respective Gods. If you're even remotely spiritual and non-religious it’s a pretty frightening world to live in. For the last two weeks I have been studying all the various religions, reading lots of different essays and books and looking at lots of pictures of gods and messiahs and prophets and holy lands. the irony of course is that the most holy and intelligent and most seemingly God-like of Man’s major religions are Taoism and Buddhism, neither of which have a God in them as much as just a real reverence for life and a respect for the mystery of the universe we live in and the invisible force which seems to operate around us.

you don't read about many Taoists or Buddhists running around the world killing people in the name of anything; that's always a nice bonus when you’re religion shopping... Their underlying philosophy seems to be more ‘do what thou will and harm none.’ Whereas the other religions of the world seems to be more of ‘do what thou will and I'll fucking kill you. if we have the manpower. If not then we’ll just curse you behind your backs. And teach our kids that you're all going to hell unless you join up with us...’ Its no wonder the Chinese, one of the last great communist/non-religious empires on the earth are so fucking scared of religion and are trying so hard to keep their people away from the rest of the religions. [one can imagine the various scenarios recounted by history over the last few thousand years where the Catholics or the Christians or the Moslems have conquered all these different countries around them and all these millions of peoples like the Aztecs, or the Incas, or the Native Americans, where on the one hand they are preaching the ‘word of God’ to them or the ‘good news’ and at the same time they are trying to steal all their gold and land from them and slowly killing them all. you can see these meeker more peaceful peoples saying ‘hey thanks for coming to tell us about your God. We really appreciate it. and we’re really happy for you. it sounds like you have a really groovy thing going there with your God and all. but can you leave us alone and go back to your own country and perhaps we could talk about this through letters or email or something....]

The really scary part is that each of these major religions has its own set of prophecies that need to happen in order for the various truths of their religion to be made manifest. And all these things have to happen in order for these events to take place. The Jews are still waiting for their messiah to come for the first time. the Christians are waiting for their messiah to come again. the Moslems are waiting for the Last Judgment where millions of us will be obliterated and sent to hell if we aren't believers. Why or how anyone would want anyone else to be annihilated and sent to hell is beyond me, since after all, we are all humans and pretty much the same. One wonders why someone just doesn’t stand up and create a religion where everyone gets into heaven and no one gets fucked with or goes to hell. You would think a religion such as that would have a good chance of being embraced by everyone and being pretty popular. It could become the next big thing, like reality TV or something.

I continue to study these religions in order to try to make sense of it all. and unfortunately the future looks pretty bleak for us, mainly because of the various conflicting prophecies that all these religions are looking forward to. I think that the best we can hope for as non-religious humanists (people who just believe in humans and want for the good of all humanity) is that maybe some other life-forms, like aliens from another galaxy, or even machines like in the Matrix movies, might come to earth and attack us all simultaneously and then all the religious peoples would have to come together for once and battle this shared enemy in order to save themselves. I wouldn’t necessarily want to be around when that happens, but I think it might be better than sitting around for the next sixty years watching things keep going the way they have been. [I will never forget this image I saw on CNN a few months ago during the Iraq invasion when this young American soldier stood on top of an army tank and shot off his machine gun in celebration after killing a few Iraqi soldiers, and he was repeating “for God and country baby! For God and country!” it was obvious he was speaking of his God and country, America and the Christian God. Perhaps forgetting or worse yet not even being cognizant of the fact that he was in someone else’s country, not his own, where they believe in a totally different God. So one wonders whose God and country was he doing this for? And why? and who asked you to do this for God and country in someone else’s country in the eyes of someone else’s God? It was right out of an Oliver stone movie. In fact, the last three years since the Dark Side took over America, our lives have seemed like we are playing out some plot in an Oliver stone movie. Its lunacy. Right on our TV. Just pure fucking madness. All in the name of God and country.] So if there are any aliens out there needing a place to land or hide out, please feel free to contact me. Lets talk and see what you have in mind....

1-2-04

I am in the cigar store in phoenix. [I know. I quit about nine months ago, but I just love smoking during the cold holidays. The section of the Diaries that I am trying to edit by Jan 5^th is about 575 pages and smoking is about the only thing that keeps my attention focused for long enough periods to sit and edit for hours at a time like that. or else I would just space it and never get it done. The diaries are terribly monotonous and now I am thoroughly convinced, not just secretly suspicious, that I am entirely insane without prejudice. Rambling on and on about the same thing months at a time.] The tinder box in the awatuke foothills is one of the coolest cigar stores in America. so laid back and cool. Its like the TV show Cheers. A bunch of guys always sitting around on chairs and talking and smoking. I come in here sometimes to smoke and write when I'm out this way.

Found some notes in my pocket for the diaries from a few days ago. a few months ago I had made this pact with myself to do at least one good deed a day. or more. right? I've written about it before I think. its one of those things that you forget about until you are hanging out with someone who notices and makes a comment about it. the artisan commented on it a lot. I think it’s the most fun thing you can do. just go around doing good stuff for people all the time. I noticed a few things about it this year. one thing is this: sometimes people are cynical about doing good deeds all the time. They have this voice in their head that tells them that if they are doing nice things all the time for people that they are selfish like they are doing it for themselves in order to get something back or whatever. I used to feel this way, so I just wouldn’t bother doing good deeds, cause I wanted to be doing it for the right reason. I think a lot people feel this way. Then once I started doing it, just totally coming from my heart and giving and helping in any way I could, I realized that it really does make you feel great, and that's o.k. I mean the other person feels great too. so what's wrong with you feeling good from it as well? absolutely nothing. Its just an awesome feeling. I noticed that the more you start to contribute to the good of other people the better you feel all the time. lets say it is totally selfish. Who cares? I noticed that that you can get totally addicted to helping others and how it makes you feel. It just rocks.

Last night I saw a little bit of Groundhog Day. I used to love that movie. And that was kind of the moral of the story. And it really cemented for me. like a message was being delivered. And then today in the cigar store, the Oprah show was on. And she was giving this lady this Princess of the day prize and gave her a car and more. it was awesome. Oprah is my hero. I would love to do that with my life. at the level that she is at now, with access to those kind of resources. it really resonated with me that you have to follow your heart and go with things that deeply resonate within yourself. And for me that does it. when it comes down to it, in the end of it all, that's what its all about. how happy we can be and how much ability we have to help others be happy. I hope that my wife is as awesome as Oprah is. I hope that she is a super hero and that together we can really do some amazing things in our life together.

1.1.04

Thinking more about friends. It does get to a point sometimes where you cannot keep track of all the friends you have. I guess you sort of have to pick and choose in each moment depending on where you are. Because you just don't have enough time in your life to stay close to all of them. Especially if you travel a lot and are making lots of new friends all the time. the key is to try to stay as close and connected to as many of them as possible so that they all can feel your love and connection. Even though you may not be able to talk or hang out all the time. On a very mundane note, Microsoft outlook really helps with that.

I wonder if sometimes I sacrifice really close communication and connection with a few in order to maintain casual contact with many? I think sometimes that my close friends fault me for this. for being a bit too distant and aloof to everyone. I always vehemently denied this when someone would accuse me of it. but the last two days I have been thinking about it and perhaps there is some truth to it. am I not connecting enough? Am I not sharing myself enough with the people that I love?

Be yourself more. Let go and be yourself more. Tao Te ching says, stop comparing, stop competing. Do the work and stand back.

How can I become more real? More honest? More me? everyday is a struggle for it. to remain in the flow of me and not surrender to the world.

Did I mention that every day I feel closer and closer to her? Did I mention that on the slopes this ski trip that I felt so happy inside sometimes thinking of her that I would just break out in a huge grin. And yet I have not even met her yet?

[Did I mention that you are a lunatic??? And that I wish I wasn't you sometimes? (O.k. now you have truly gone off the deep end. you are typing to yourself...) Oh really? If I am typing to myself then who is reading? Answer that one smarty. My God, I am insane...]

Enjoying spending time with Beav. More and more each day I appreciate his being. I taught him how to tune a guitar to open tunings so he could enjoy the majesty of that. is there anything better than having or being a brother? I love that kid so much. I learn a lot from him. we live completely opposite lifestyles. So there is a lot of learning potential there for both of us. he says I am living the life of his dreams if he hadn't have chosen the life he now lives. Married with two young children; a young executive at a large oil company. I come home for the holidays showing my handheld videos of us out in the streets fighting the good fight against the profit at all cost tactics of the big oil and other large companies. He is watching people marching, protesting, speaking out, getting beat up and arrested on these videos I bring home and he is sitting there on his laptop designing software for the same big oil companies we are fighting while he is watching. We all start laughing at the irony of it all. Its how he supports his family. Mom just sits there and smiles so proud. Says we turned out exactly like she envisioned, one of us her crazy anarchist trying to save the world and the other her family man executive. Beav protests, ‘mom I'm an anarchist too. In my own way. I'm only working for the Man to support my family. But when I get enough money.... bam! Total anarchy! I'll save the world in a week when these crazy radicals have been trying to do it for hundreds of years!’ Beav says pointing to the TV. (Beav and I may just have the greatest mom in the world. One day if we ever need to we should auction her off on eBay, sell her to the highest bidder like they used to do in olden times. maybe just rent her by the week. Hehe.)

I will say this. the last two weeks I have really gotten a taste of what it is like to have children. Reality 101. and it isn't pretty. It may seem all romantic and all on TV and in the movies. But the reality is just so different than all that. hanging out with Beav and his wife and kids has made me realize two things: one, that I never want to have kids. And two, that I really want to have kids one day. ...the horror of my brain.

Last screening: sound of music, as always. Now we all have it on DVD so there's like five copies floating around the house. if I had to choose I would say it is my favorite movie of all time. and late last night, the royal tennebaums. Forced everyone to watch it till about 2 in the morning. And then I came out here to write. There is this mood in the movie, like putting on an old album. whatever it is he was going for when he made it I think he def achieved it.