June 1, 2005
Fucking a. already June fucking first.
No wonder I say I'm not moving to California.... “look honey the house and everything we own and love just slid off a mountain and is destroyed...” an people who live in California will always tell you ‘don't worry about it. it’ll never happen. and yet every year we hear about it happening... humans in general are pretty whacked.
(But lets be fair, live in New York and take the risk of being blown up by terrorists. Live in the Midwest and get blown away by tornados. Live in the South or the east coast and get blow away by hurricanes. West coast and you're sucked up by earthquakes. We’re fucking doomed no matter where we live.)
California landslide sends homes crashing
Damaged homes sit on a collapsing hill
A landslide sent at least five expensive homes crashing down a hill in Laguna Beach, California, today and may have damaged many others. The earth was still moving beneath the homes. Some fell nearly intact, while others were ripped apart and left trails of debris. There was no immediate word on whether there were any injuries.
Current read:
O.k. so where are we? Well as fate would have it, as if fate has anything, I had just recently purchased and stated to watch a DVD series of Abraham-hicks material. Good stuff. highly recommended. As I said already. The general idea espoused in the message is that life is all about joy and freedom. Our lives. And that's a great message. That everything is alright. And that it is through our desires that we control our destiny and that life flowing through us through our desires is that purpose of life. good enough. I love it.
Now I also started at the same time reading a book called ‘becoming like God: our ultimate destiny through the kabalah.’ Now his whole premise is that we are like God and that the way to become more like God is through letting go of the egos ‘desire for personal gain.’ Wouldn’t you know that I am absorbing both ideas at the exact same time. during the day I am reading this guy teach how you have to let go of the egos desire for personal gain and just focus on sharing everything with everyone... which is very similar to Avatar actually. And yet the abe-hicks material teaches the exact opposite: that life is all about our own personal desires flowing through us and this is how we achieve ultimate happiness.
So what's the answer? well as all things great and small in the universe, chances are the answer is somewhere in between. And that my friends is how money is made creating and selling things to others. choose a side, any side, the middle is the answer but you won't make any money espousing the virtue of the middle. So you pick a side and you run with it, tell everyone that that's the answer and then a year later they're buying another book telling them that the other side is the answer. confusing? sure. But not if you don't take any of it with any more than a grain of salt or two, whatever the hell that means.
Silent bob and the toilet.
Of course I am still reading ‘silent bob speaks, the collected essays of Kevin smith.’ Which again forget about it I highly recommend to anyone that just enjoys laughing because the guy is hilarious. This book is non stop laughs. laughing out loud laughs. like you can’t believe what he writes kind of laughs. but I limit almost all reading to the John. because frankly I just don't have time and shouldn’t even be spending any time reading right now because I'm just too effing busy doing my own thing. so as long as I limit my reading to the John only I tell myself that I can sneak in a few minutes of reading everyday. But the thing about this book is that its so funny that I'm finding myself spending way too much time in the bathroom. Sitting there till my legs fall asleep. I mean, I’ll spend twenty minutes in there just because I don't want to put silent bob’s book down. Now that's a good book. Trust me, read it.
I unfortunately had to spend three hours on the phone with Microsoft yesterday because I've spent every cent I've had saved on this goddamned TV show dream I have so I cannot presently afford to pay someone else to do it for me as I normally would. I had five issues to contend with. Quick because this is effing boring. Important but boring. I will not “prose” so much here as just “scribble” for the record. when you change computers you need to do something that I like to call “migrate.” You need to get all of your data and settings over to your new computer. You’ve got your documents, pictures, mp3s, and all that stuff is pretty easy to transfer. But then you’ve got your custom dictionary from Word. You’ve got your auto correct entries. You’ve got your Outlook data and all your own custom windows settings. Etc. its not as easy as you think. if you're not a power user you probably don't use this stuff and so you just transfer your basics and start from scratch and don't even know it. But if you do use all this stuff, you need a way to get it all over to your new computer. My custom dictionary for example is something I have been transferring from computer to computer since 1995 now. I have thousands of entries in there so obviously I need them transferred when I upgrade computers or I'll have to learn how to spell.
What amazes me is that Microsoft still has no idea how to help people migrate from to a new computer. You get them on the phone and they act like they don't know what you are talking about. you have to speak with ten different departments and they still barely manage to get what you are trying to. its amazing because as always you spend half your time trying to help them understand how essential it is to migrate all of your data and not just your ‘my documents’ folder. I am always in shock how they just don't have a program already designed for this, even though they are still constantly trying to branch out into other areas where they don't even belong – like trying to compete with the iPod. But they're not even finished taking care of what they do do and should be doing.
Same thing with backing up. I ask the tech on the phone... ‘bro, if you do a back up every week as everyone should but you only back up you’re my documents folder you're going to lose half of your stuff.’ ‘that's correct sir.’ ‘o.k. so what do you offer us to help us back up ALL OF OUR STUFF?’ ‘uuummm, I don't really know.’ ‘o.k., so what do you do? I mean with your own system?’ ‘well I just back up my documents...’ so it doesn’t bother you that if you have a crash that you're going to lose so much? I mean what do you tell totally high end power users that don't want to lose ten years worth of their downloadedfiles and programs and system settings?’ ‘that's not my department sir.’ ‘o.k. so you're saying that from what you know Microsoft doesn’t offer us a simple back up utility to do weekly back ups of our entire system?’ ‘not from what I know.’ ‘and if we try to backup our whole hard drive it won't work right? I tried it and it never works because there are too many files at use and it will just error out because you can’t back up files that are currently in use.’ ‘you know more about this than I do sir.’
And we’re paying them 35 an hour to help us. you know you spend way too much time on the computer when you have a better knowledge base than a Microsoft employee. crazy. this world is crazy.
Ps — It’s fucking freezing in New York again. why? I have no fucking clue but its June 1st and its fucking freezing. Where are we? Mars?
Current spin: rough guides best of china compilation. A good compendium of Chinese music. interesting. More western sounding than one would guess. Wish it were more Chinese sounding. But still interesting. Notice that I cannot absolutely cannot work to music. I cannot think when music is playing with lyrics. But I can work to ambient music. BUT today I noticed that I can also work to Chinese music. what I understand is that I just can’t work to music with English being sung. Because it throws me off. But if its in a diff language then its no problem. good. because I like music.
May 31
Reading is nothing but a barely worthy past time if we don't make use of what we are reading. The ‘read and forget about it’ practice is not any better than people who sit in front of the TV for hours. When people tell you they are smart because they read a lot rather than watch TV, it means nothing unless you know what they are actually reading. Plenty of people spend countless worthless hours reading westerns sci-fi romance novels celebrity bios detective stories and the like. And what's worse is that even when we are reading something worthy it doesn’t help much if all we do is read it and then shelve it. I am finding that the worth of reading, as in any media consumption, is what we actually do with the new data that we collect. New data has a very short shelf life in the old noggin. If we don't make use of it from the outset, its gone for good and becomes just another memory. Oh yeah, I think I read that book. Yeah, that was a good one from what I can remember... So the real benefit is in reading a bit, practicing it a bit, then reading a bit more, practicing a bit more... making use of what we are gathering along the way each and every day.
In other news, my depression, see how I named it mine already? how quick we are to take on any old thing that happens to rear its ugly head in our universe, my depression knows no end it seems. Knows absolutely no end. if I were not such a glutton for these types of things I would be worried. But the truth is that I have never known life without a slight depression, basked in it as an artist feeling that at worst it makes life miserable, at best it sparks the creative juices, and somewhere in between it makes life all the more interesting; perhaps maybe even a desperation this is. Even when I'm ecstatic, I still have that tugging and nagging sense of depression underneath it all. just sometimes I am not aware of it. for years I wasn't aware of it. now I am suddenly. what I like about it though is that it helps me relate better topeople. I like that. the tree, Queenie, Francis, half the people I know are depressed in general and on some medication for either being too up or too down. Ferret could make a living at one liners about how miserable he is. Bas is generally moody as a dog about to be put out of its misery and plenty of other comrades claim a general dissatisfaction about life in the universe that if I dance in singing and praising the joy of ‘all that is’ they will look at me with a disaffected grimace as if to say ‘what are you so happy about?’ so I like this state only in as much as it reminds me that we can all get down now and then. even me. like down without being able to get up kind of a down. And I think it’s important to remember that. that's possible. Then again, I'm more than ready to be done with the images of shooting myself in the head or jumping off of tall buildings that pop up in my mind every few minutes. What is that?
May 30th 2005,
I go out to lunch with JerseyGirl today. we have known each for over ten years now, having met at our first Avatar masters course back then and continue to see each other at courses and various social events. She lives close by so we hang now and then. I tell her how we filmed all day on Saturday and we viewed the footage on Sunday and the audio was all effed up so now we have to re-film on Tuesday. How my show-finale speech was all about how we, the people, are losing the good fight and how the giant corporations that rule the earth are winning, how they have always won, how they will always win, and heyat least we have good music and film, and that's all about all we have. the best that we can hope for is that it doesn’t get any worse, but even that seems like a pipe dream. The people with money, and I mean BIG money, are going to continue to sell out the rest of the people regardless of what that means in the long haul. I mean, after all, George bush and his big goal now of reforming social security, does that have anything to do with doing something right for the people? for his neighbors? I mean why is he so adamant about this? why isn't he tackling more important issues like health care or the environment or credit card or banking reformation to really help the American people? instead he is spending much of his time now trying to convince the public that the government should overhaul social security to the tune of billions of dollars.. and who is going to get these billions of dollars? You guessed it, large corporations. The same corporations that put him in the seat of president. So now that he is president he needs to give them this on a silver platter, just as he gave them the country of Iraq. This has nothing to do with helping the American people, and most people know it, the media knows it, congress knows it, everyone knows it, but we pretend that we don't because that's the way it works. the emperor has no clothes and everyone acts like they don't notice because that is way it has always worked. That's our job as a people. So no, chances are we will not see reform of political campaign financing, or health care, or banking or unemployment fixes, or education, or protection of the environment, because even though that's what we need as a people, there is no money in that for the big powers that be that run the world and got him into power. that's just the way it is for America now.
On the subject of the environment. Well it looks like we lost that fight and we will contnue to lose that fight. the environment is a lost cause as long as gw sits in power. no matter how many people try to change it. we can raise ten billion dollars to save the environment and with one phone call to or from one president of one company to the president of the United States, all of that can be reversed and destroyed in an hour. that's life.
Maybe there's hope, who knows. but for now, at this point, after six months of interviews and really studying , this is where I'm at with it. it appears to me that we are losing, that the people of the world are losing, and that there's nothing we can really do about it.
So I share this with JerseyGirl over lunch and tell her that this is the conclusion that I share with people in the TV show that I have been filming. and she is aghast. She is horrified. ‘but you are an Avatar. How could you do this? how could you even think these thoughts? You know that whatever you put your attention on you help manifest... you know this. I am shocked Fishy.’ ‘I know JerseyGirl. I knew you would feel like this. But I'm afraid this is really how I feel right now. this is how I see it. the whole idea of this show is for me to be honest with what I'm feeling. The truth is that the poor and middle classes and even the moderately rich will always lose, and the super rich will always rule, even when they think they are winning and really losing, they will still get their way because that's just the way the world works. the only way change is created is by violent acts of revolution.’ ‘Fishy you do not mean this. tell me you are kidding right now. this is ridiculous.’ ‘I know how you feel. I'm with you Jers, I'm with you, you know my heart, we became masters together, so you know that I'm a lover not a fighter, but I gotta tell you, I have to call as I see it, and this is what I'm seeing.’ ‘well don't you see that the audio being messed up and now you guys having to re-shoot is a sign from the universe that you need to change your conclusion a little... do you see that?’ she smiles at me this really big joyful appreciative smile that she is famous for.’ ‘yeah I see that. I will change it a bit. I am going to try to find a way to make it a little more positive... but I'll tell you, I'm not even giving you the whole picture. I've been studying this stuff a lot and I'm really starting to believe that the only way we’re ever going to change things for the better for us is through violent acts of rebellion and revolution. I didn't say that on tape but that's what I'm feeling now.’ ‘Fishy I can’t even believe you are saying this. don't you dare. As an Avatar, don't you dare. Do you believe that we are creating an EPC? An enlightened planetary civilization?’ ‘I believe that we are trying. But I don't think we are getting anywhere.’
We finish lunch and as we walk to the car we pass by this store called love saves the day. she forces me to go in and tells me that this is a sign from the universe. She buys me a little beanie baby angel teddy bear and I buy her a little love teddy bear. I tell her I will use the tools to discreate these ideas that I have. that I will begin to work on this to stop thinking this way. so I'm writing about it. trying to sort it out. howI got to this place, I don't know. its not like me. but I am tired of being a blind idealist with no sense of what's really going on. I am tired of watching all of my environmental and social and political activist friends work so hard and get no where. The truth is we all marched in protest against this war in Iraq all over the world and we got nowhere. That's the truth. over a hundred thousand Iraqis murdered and we fought the good fight but the giant corporations of the world won. The Iraqis are dead and that's that. how idealistic can you be after witnessing that?
Current spin: Moby, his new one, Hotel. I love Moby. How can you not.
This is interesting. Chart showing the death tolls of all US wars:
In other news take a look at this from CNN:
SPECIAL REPORT
• Timeline: A new government
• Flash: Government structure
• Chart: Iraq's National Assembly
• Interactive: Iraq's population
• Coalition Casualties
• Special Report
Just look it. In all of its shining gore-lory. This is one of the biggest farces the world has seen in decades, this charade they call operation Iraqi freedom. Right up there with Vietnam, Chavez and the Venezuela crisis, Castro’s Cuba, Rwanda, china in general, north Korea, you name it. “A new government” is what they call what in college we learned was known as a “puppet regime.” Under “Iraq’s population,” CNN says that the majority of the “insurgents” fighting “the Iraqi government” are Sunni Muslims, with a minority being Shiite Muslims. No, I'm serious, they really say this. In the same sentence they use the words “Sunni Muslims” and “insurgents.”
Recently I had a dream where I was at a press conference and I asked GW, who was looking mighty dapper as always I might add, a simple question... “Mr. President. If china came over here to America and invaded us and you and I had to battle it out along with thousands of other men to defend ourselves and our families against these Chinese invaders, who would be the insurgents?” “Uuuhhh... they would be?” he stammers... “Yes that's right sir. the Chinese invaders would be the insurgents because that's what the word means. Thank you Mr. president.”
So lets get this straight; just for clarification and a good laugh before bed. The majority of the “insurgents” battling the United States armed forces in Iraq are Iraqis of the Sunni Muslim religion and a minority of them are Iraqis of the Shiite Muslim religion and yet THEY are the insurgents? But they live there? o.k. that's a good one. that's right up there with Michael Jackson never had plastic surgery, milk it does a body good, all is well with health insurance for Americans, our jobs going overseas is not a bad thing, homosexuality is somehow wrong, drilling for oil in the Alaskan wild is not so bad, selling our national forests to Asia by the tens of thousands of acres per day is o.k. and nothing to worry about, and Britney and Paris deserve all the press they get. good stuff. there has never been a time to be more proud...
And of course there’s a “coalition casualties” chart as you’ll notice, which isn't a bad thing, since our government tries desperately to shield these casualties from us, but nothing absolutely nothing about the Iraqi casualties – military nor civilians (currently estimated at 120,000). HOW is this even the least bit fair or balanced news reporting? Fucking unbelievable. We have been kidnapped by robbers murderers and thieves and are locked up on a ship of fools sailing for Alice’s Wonderland and we don't even know it.
May 29th, 2005
Went to church today. stayed up all night writing and watching this Mr. smith goes to Washington movie. What a great story. When I finally woke up it was 10:51. church starts at 11am. Oh shit. run forest run! I had 9 minutes to get there, let alone get up, have coffee, shower, shave, get dressed and make a mad dash to the church. Wasn't going to happen obviously. I was planning on attending this church on park Ave. that I had gone into a few weeks before, the one where I had that glorious spiritual experience just wandering in and sitting down. But there was no way I was going to make it. So I jumped up, splashed my face, threw some clothes on, and ran down the street to the closest church I knew of, this Baptist church on 61st and 2nd Ave.
I was hoping for something. at this point I am resigned to the contradictory nature of who I am and how I feel in relation to God and religion and churches. I know it makes no sense. The poet asks me on the phone, ‘you went to church? If your family in town or something? or you just went on your own? why do you spend so much of your time rallying against religion in your diaries then?’ I tell him ‘well, throughout history there hasn’t been anything more harmful or hurtful or destructive than religion bro.’ ‘well I know that. so why do you go to church then?’ ‘I guess its because I still have this longing for communityof the spirit. I just can’t shake it. you know, the heart really longs for things spiritual and a chance to be able to share that with others...’ ‘so how was this church?’ ‘not good I'm afraid. Not good at all. it reminded me a lot of growing up. I went to Christian schools all through growing up and it was fucking nuts. a lot of talk about ‘us versus them.’ they have this attitude of ‘we’re saved and ‘they're not.’’ and they talk about it the whole damn time. they kept referring to all the people on my block, by the way did you know that on the block that I live on there are 7000 people?’ ‘no way.’ ‘way. seriously. that's what they said at least. Anyway, they referred to everyone on my block who wasn't a born again Christian as ‘unsaved, lonely souls, lying and dying on the side of the road, I swear to God, they really said this... as if they have to save us all or else we will be forever damned...’ ‘well they believe that...’ ‘I know, and its scary that in this day and age with all we know about science and religion and physics and astronomy and metaphysics that people still think like that. it was actually really scary because I hadn't been in a church like that for a long time and I had forgotten that that's out there.’ ‘it’s a reality though I'm afraid. What are you gonna do. that's life my brother’ ‘indeed it is.’
Anyway so today wasn't so good of a church experience. In fact, it was rather frightening. Last week at unity was fine. At least there are open minds there. I did get a chance to talk with God a bit and that was nice. ‘God/Goddess, what am I doing here? you know my heart. help me to know you God... help me to know the real you... help me to open my heart and mind and ears and eyes enough to really know you. you know me God, I can’t think like this. this is fucking madness. I'm never going to believe in any of this only through Jesus stuff or the Krishna stuff or the Allah stuff... show me the truth God, show me the real God and spirit... let me know you so I can serve you better God... in my own name I pray.’
The whole damn time they were praising Jesus and saying he was their savior and without him we are doomed to lie dead and suffering on the side of the road... and I'm trying to hold myself back from jumping up and screaming ‘people don't you know that we’re our own savior? Don't you see that every population in the world has an idea of a different savior and in the end none of it even matters because we’re the savior that we’re really looking for?! We don't need a savior from two thousand years ago anymore than we need a Buddha or a Krishna or a Ganesh or a Mohamed or any of that. we’re all little pieces of God people. we’re God right here on earth. Here we are. millions of us. millions of little gods. Lets praise us. lets take this time to worship ourselves.. man I'm loving your music here, but use it to celebrate us!!!’
The other thing is that the minister had all the guys who had ever served in the armed forces stand up and had everyone pray for them. but not one mention of all the innocent Iraqis that have died in this war. Nothing. I stood there in shock and awe. Just total blindness as to the realities of what's really going on.
God do I long for the day when we will be able to pray to a God of no denomination, no dogma, no religion, no backwoods hillbilly camel in the desert fundamentalist intolerant closed minded bullshit attached.
This lady comes into the smoke shop asking us for money to donate to animals. She tells us that your best friends in the world are animals. People will leave you, animals won't.’ and then ‘there’re no animals in the next life, so enjoy them while you can.’ strange set of beliefs I thought. And then Lon tells me ‘don't ever go out with a read-head. They're all certifiable.’ Great now I've heard it all. we’re now classifying people by the color of their hair? Made me think about church this morning. Gosh, people will claim to have all sorts of whacked out beliefs. there are so many beliefs out there, people will just look at you with a straight face and recite them to you as if they are real. I swear to God everyone is just fucking nuts.
May 28th
Last screening: Mr. smith goes to Washington. Starring jean Arthur and of course jimmy Stewart. A classic. A must see. I loved this movie.
Inspired by the film. saw a lot of myself in that character. This kind of innocent ‘well what's going on?’ kind of naiveté I seem to have just dancing and singing through life without ever looking around to really see what's really happening around me. Been burned a few times and dare I say that lately I have noticed a certain cynicism crop up in me that just isn't me.
Man I'm starting to think that maybe I'm missing the boat. Watching this movie, and then reflecting on what I've been writing in the diaries the last few weeks... so afraid to let anyone in. so afraid of getting close to anyone because in the end they're just going to disappoint you anyway. have to say, that's where I'm at now. I guess you could say that my heart’s kind of closed. But boy I sure would like to change this now. I'm ready to meet me again. I like me. I like the happy go lucky make friends with anyone kind of guy I am. If I wasn't so worried about how the love/friendship would conclude... I guess I just need to let that go and just be open and real and do it more unconditionally. Today I had this realization about Bas. He doesn’t speak to me at all right now. if you can imagine. As crazy as that sounds. The guy was my best friend in the world. But I guess because Cleo and I are battling it out now he feels uncomfortable. And for the life of me I cannot figure out why. I just can’t get to the bottom of it. its caused me a lot of pain lately. Of course it has. And I've kind of had this oh fuck it who cares about getting to know anyone attitude the last few months because of it. But the thing is... you know, anyone can feel that way. plenty do. But if you're just going to try to max this life out and get the most out of it and help others do the same, then that attitude isn't going to help much at all. nope. Have to rise up out of it and realize that if you're going to help people, that if you're going to befriend people, you're going to have to do it from the heart unconditionally. I know writing this that that's easy to say, but I'm going to try. again.
There is the old saying, that if you increase your communication with the world that your net worth increases right along with it. I changed it around a bit to read ‘your net worth is equal to your network. The bigger your network, the bigger your net worth.’ But there has to be real time action involved as well. you’ve got to have the follow through.
[Hey ash,
Great to hear from you. yes keeping up with emails to all of our millions of friends is tough stuff these days. life lesson #41 = often times we avoid replying to emails immediately because we feel like we have to say a lot or come up with some great response... so we let the email sit in the box forever and then by the time we see it again we feel bad for never responding... same thing we do with avoiding calling people... figure we just don't have the time because the call is going to take forever. But lately I have just come to realize that this new technology that we are still getting used to is all about just staying in touch with people we dig more often than we did before. Its not like the old days where we had to talk for an hour if we get someone on the phone. often times a "yo bro, what's up? things good? yeah. Me too. chillin. Cool man. Well keep me posted. Hey man let me know when you're coming to town. yeah, I will too. cool. tell so and so that I said hello. alright man, later' is all we really need. that's enough. That's better than what we had before cell phones and email. we have to use and benefit from this new technology, not drown in it.]
And Rob Breszny says this week:
“LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): We're all in the closet in one way or another. Every one of us feels that there's some part of ourselves we've got to hide; that if we reveal the totality of who we really are, we will suffer. For example, U.S. Army Sgt. Robert Stout, who was wounded and got a Purple Heart for his service in Iraq, ultimately decided he was tired of being secret about his homosexuality. As a result, he can't re-enlist, even though he'd like to. My psychotherapist friend Alicia has always used astrology in her practice, but only recently chose to be open about it. Some of her colleagues broke off relations when she told them. According to my reading of the omens, Libra, it's an ideal time to carefully come out of whatever closet you've been in. I'm not saying there'll be no repercussions; just that you'll have clarity and strength as you deal with them. And the freedom you create with your brave revelation will change everything for the better.”
So I'm feeling that. I know precisely what this may be referring to, whether one believes that astrological influences can have any real bearing or significance to our lives or not. But for me, this particular week’s horoscopic omen appealed profoundly. Ever since I first got that hit to start to work on freeing myself of pretension, the subject of my age and how it relates to my chosen profession has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind. I need to come clean with who I am and how old I am and where I've been. Regardless of what the media says or the major record labels or our managers. I'm losing the opportunity to talk to my own generation and connect with them because I'm so busy pretending that I'm younger and part of a different generation. There's this whole precept that you have to be young to be successful in the music business. so we all play along with it. I don't even want to go into the story of how our management company sat us all down in a swanky penthouse suite at the plaza hotel in nyc a few years back and changed all of our ages so we would be better suited for the major record labels. I've been living that lie ever since. but at my own expense. Here I am pretending that I'm younger than half the people I know when in fact I'm one of them. and along with that comes a whole slew of other lies. Tears for fears? Never heard of them. LOL! the eighties? What's that? a TV show? LOL. so yeah... what a mess. time to come out of the closet as dear old Rob recommends. I need to let go of this no matter what the repercussions, get real, and come to real terms with who I am, give myself this gift so I can start to be there and really communicate with my own generation. If not being real, then what the hell am I really doing?
Did more filming today for the TV show. Final shots, in between shots. I am totally winging this. have no idea what I am doing. But it was a damn good day. I really felt it. I don't know how much real good footage we got yet, but I felt it. I touched on some things. my conclusion about life as we know it for the show was rather doom and gloomy, but that's just where I'm at.
I have learned that you cannot wait for people. if you do and things get fucked up, then that's your fault. It doesn’t matter what your reason is. if you wait for someone because your priority is not as important to them as it is to you, or perhaps it is but they just can’t get it together, that's still your fault. If you wait for others to get your shit done you will always feel held back. and indeed you will be held back. your shit is never as important to anyone else as it is to you. the smart man knows this. the smart man plows ahead regardless of others who are slower or unable to commit or complete. The smart man makes it happen regardless. When the money is being counted, justice will be served. They say it all comes out in the wash. But nothing comes out in the wash if you blow your chances waiting on people who just aren't cutting it.
Still notice in me this uneasiness about letting people in. I am becoming more and more resistant
to becoming close to people. this morning while I was writing I noticed the next door neighbors downstairs in their yard sorting their garbage and recycling. I thought of how I used to do that at our house when I was with Cleopatra and my first reaction was something like “God, the poor bastard. He thinks that matters. Sorting the garbage and recycling... little does he know what a waste of time all that is...” I think this is what we call cynicism. I have never been too sure about this word cynicism. But I'm pretty sure that's what that is. I'm noticing inside of me now a very strong resistance to getting close to people because I feel like it’s a worthless venture. One minute someone seems like your friend and then the next you don't speak with them for a month. I fucking hate that. I must say that if there is one thing that I need to eradicate from my thinking and feeling system as of right now, it is this. I need to let go of this and just let love in and get back to being myself.
What I'm noticing as I get older is that a lot of people aren't as obsessed with friends as I seem to be. I think a lot of people are cool with spending time alone. But I'm just not that way. I like my alone time. but I love my friends. Need to start honoring the friendships that I do have and stop looking back. for some people that seems to come easy. they don't mind friends coming and going in their lives. Me, I hate to admit it, but I let old friendships that are no more taint my ability to even recognize or appreciate new friendships because I get this why bother attitude running around in my head. But inside I know that's not right. just have to work on it. recognize when its running and let it go.
Last screening: Hotel Rwanda. A MUST SEE. Sure it has its share of Hollywood cheese with the obligatory happy ending. A happy ending in the wake of complete genocide of over a million people? well, yeah, it’s a true story, and so you can’t fault the writer/director completely because after all, it really did end happily for this particular family. Thank God. what a great story. Some people have the opinion that the French or the British or the Americans should have come in and saved all those people. after all, isn't that why we’re in Iraq? (insert chuckle and a few high fives here) But from a different viewpoint, one can see that maybe in the long run, one country can’t keep stepping into other countries and fighting their battles for them, risking their own lives for others... but over a million people murdered and we didn't do anything? Crazy. I guess it all just comes down to money. if there's something to be gained we move in. if not, then we don't move in... and maybe in the bigger picture that's just the way it is.
May 27th, 2005
I'm not sure if everyone is like this. but for me, I just don't know if I will ever get over that underlying nagging lonely feeling that can accompany you ever so subtly when you are, well, all alone in the world, until I am actually married with children... makes me think of the Stallion. I don't know why exactly but I believe it may be just because when we first met and started dating she too expressed a strong desire to settle down and partner up with someone. I do not forget that day at the beach when she whined (understandably so) ‘I'm tired of being alone. Of doing everything alone. I want to have a partner...’ I felt for her that day. and as time has passed for me without finding my soulmate, wife, partner in future crime, I can relate more readily with her sentiments. I pray that one day she will find someone who will love her and cherish her forever. I love her very much and know what an amazing catch she is. she deserves it.
The single life is a grand thing. it is true that if you're a guy it can be a great thing because you can taste the fruits of all the different countries of the world and that's a wondrous thing. I will never regret my single years. and I am sure when I am older and married for years and years and years and made love to my wife in every position known to man in every room in our house and our in-laws house that I will look back at these single years as something to be cherished and remembered fondly. But for the life of me I cannot shake this uncontrollable desire to partner up and begin nesting and family building with my one true love, wherever she is, whoever she is.
I am reading a collection of essays by Kevin smith, silent bob for those in the know, and it gives me hope because this guy is NUTS, and I figure if he can find a woman who loves him and accepts him with how crazy he is, then I have nothing to worry about.
Good times last night. hanging with TomCat, who now wants to be called something like Thomaso, Lil Sis (this was her idea, but says she's not committing to it so it may change), and one of her friends from school, a cat named Bret who works for Brooks Brothers as a tailor. Tom cat is obsessed with Asian women. I had never had a thing for Asian girls myself. They are certainly the current leaders in fashion now. the Asians are really stretching it. their eye is impeccable. Their fashion sense is out of this world. they are leading the pack right now. if urban culture once lead the pack in fashion, which they certainly did at one time, and still do to many, the Asians are going to revolutionize fashion soon. its happening now.
but still it was never my thing. tom cat spoke about his time in Korea as an English teacher and we all listened intently, learning a lot about what he calls that special something that is inbred in them over thousands of years that American women could never possess, in the way they know how to treat a man like a king. He speaks of them as some men speak about good cigars or fine wine or expensive cars. A gleam in his eye.
After a few drinks, I relayed an experience I had a few years back when I decided to go get a Thai massage. The ad said simply ‘Thai massage. Therapeutic and sensual.’ I had to take my chances and see what it was all about. I immediately knew something was different when as the lady instructed me to take off my clothes that she also began taking off her clothes. I was afraid to look up at her. what the hell was she doing? Never seen a masseuse do this before. I stood there in my underwear and she said ‘take those off to and get on the table.’ So I did. bare ass naked on this massage table. It was dark in the room. I didn't know what to expect. Out of respect to the varying ages and sex of my many readers I will not go into the details, but suffice it to say it was the most sensual experience I have ever had. lets say that they leave no part of your body untouched. At one point she is massaging my back with one hand, holding my foot in the other, and sucking my toes, one by one. by this time I was transported into some other universe. By the time she got to my front, she had her fingers in places in my body that my own fingers have never even been in, I'll put it that way, and another hand doing something else that I am very fond of doing on an almost daily basis. By this time I was moaning and drooling. When we were finished, when she was sure that I was entirely finished, with a big baby-smile on my face, she then wiped me off with hot damp towels, then dried me with hot dry towels, then massaged talcum powder all over my body with light fingers. She was by all accounts a Goddess to me by this time. I think I paid her double what she asked for. I had never experienced anything like that. and I must say, as weird as this may sound, this was very much not sexual. There was barely anything sexual about it, except my glorious nirvana-like climax. It was instead very sensual and therapeutic just as the ad stated. From that moment on, I finally understood the meaning of the word sensual.
May 26, 2005
New York is amazing today. 68 degrees and sunny. Just to sit in the park and write is difficult because there are so many beautiful people everywhere to look at and talk to. so many beautiful girls in New York. today as I was walking down Park Ave. I was looking at all the beautiful girls that pass you by, and sometimes you just have to watch them as they walk out of view because they are so beautiful and fresh and alive looking. And this is part of the joy and wonder of being a man and loving women in New York. With no intention, you just watch them and admire them. for me I love the girls with the dark hair and the Italian glasses. Forget about it. I almost drop dead from that look. I'm thinking, how could we ever choose just one? how would we ever know which one to choose? I swear to God you could fall in love ten times in a day and not even notice it. falling in love is easy. staying in love... now that's the challenge...
it has to be something magical involved in the process. Something that tells you ‘this is the one’ and that makes you forget about all the others. I am longing for that now. not that I haven't been for years now, but the other fantasies have either been lived and experienced or don't seem as important now compared to that. so we wait for that something magical that just blows you away and takes a hundred and ten percent of your attention... someone you can become slightly obsessed with I guess and that can occupy all of your attention so there isn't any left for all the other birds out there you haven't had opportunity to be with. As I was walking I had this realization... that... ‘she too waits to meet you.’ it was a whisper in my ear by the angels I believe. that simple. But profound. She too waits to meet the man of her dreams. and that is quite a comforting thought. So I just kept walking on, and lifted my head a bit higher and realized that one needn’t worry too much about it. relax and allow.
Made me think of Cleopatra. Always something so tragic there. all I wanted to do was protect her from that. and yet I knew I couldn’t. what could I really do? but still, I carried it with me from the moment we met. Always trying to protect her... eventually I came to realize that I couldn’t. it wasn't up to me. it was something carried inside of her. I could talk her down, but I couldn’t eradicate the fear and anxiousness. It just wasn't for me to do. but still, even today, I still feel called to it sometimes when I hear that in her voice. Maybe that's just the man in us. that wants to protect and comfort and heal and provide safety and security to our beautiful little loved ones.
Liner notes for new album:
When we were rehearsing for the new CD, we had a lot of songs to choose from. I knew I wanted to record an album called Girls and just record all the songs each of us had ever written about girls. Maybe have one disc of new, unreleased songs about girls, for we are always writing them, and then another disc as a freebie that would contain a compilation of all the songs about girls collected from other already released albums. just for fun really. humor me on this one. I know that's what the guys in the band have been doing about it. as they always do.
So while we rehearsed all these songs about girls, we also rehearsed others as well. songs that didn't seem to fit in anywhere. Perhaps another album. Solaris and we are columbine and Zion and the rest of them. Soon a set of songs appeared that all seemed to go together. they had the same vibe. Maybe not the same style, which has always been my Achilles heal as a song-writer. My eyes are bigger than my stomach so to speak. Always wanting to take on more than I can handle or more than you are meant to on one album maybe. That has always been according to critics at least a burden that I was all too willing to bare regardless of the criticism because frankly as an artist I just enjoy doing whatever the hell I want to; and as a music fan I just really enjoy lots of different musical styles. I've never enjoyed listening to a whole album all the way through. Not even by my favorite artists. Call it ADD, whatever, that's just me.
One of the things we noticed about this new set of songs is that they all had this influence from TV or film or literature. They all had this theme of media in them or about them. for a long time we were going to call the album Cinematique because of this. I asked around. no one could tell me where this word came from. French, Italian, English? Spanish? No one knew. but I liked the sound of it. One day Jasmine was at the kitchen table drinking and smoking and philosophizing about things while we rehearsed for the new album. On a break we started talking about the political ramifications of the songs, the evil regime that had somehow infiltrated American government and perpetrated its divisive and nefarious acts live on the fox news network and CNN every night for all the world to see. It wasn't hard to feel anger or to feel the anger in and of the songs. And even more than anger, because what is anger going to get you in the face of the current American government? More like hopelessness. Despair. Longing. disillusionment. We are columbine is anger. Blind eye is giving up.
Jasmine is known for her one-liners. She is a journalist. That's her thing. She casually says in between drags, “isn't it sad how all of your heroes eventually become villains...” and I looked up. There in that moment, time stopped, as it always does, when something is found and cemented like that. The song all your heroes become villains was a little thing we were working on for weeks just once each rehearsal because we enjoyed playing it. We were trying to create a piece that didn't have a key, didn't have a root chord, that didn't resolve, that never resolved. We didn't care that it didn't have a melody or lyrics. We just enjoyed playing it. The title seemed to fit the song perfectly. This is how this album and it’s title cut came to be.
Don't look them in the eyes. don't look them in the eyes. in New York, its all about don't look them in the eyes. if you look them in the eye that gives them an opening. There are so man crazies here. you just have to remember not to look them in the eyes.
very cool story ... I never knew this..
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A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office.
The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.
"We want to see the president," the man said softly.
"He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped.
"We'll wait," the lady replied.
For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted. "Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him.
He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
The president wasn't touched.... He was shocked. "Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."
For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. Maybe he could get rid of them now.
The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, Is that all it costs to
start a university? Why don't we just start our own?"
Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the university that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.
You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who they think can do nothing for them.
>----- A TRUE STORY ----- by Malcolm Forbes
I don't know if this story is true or not but it sure is a great story.
May 25th, 2005
The woman upstairs screams about her husband all the time. almost every morning I am awakened by her insane yelling. She's either yelling at him or yelling about him. Now of course it is hard to think about rights and wrongs. if you are lucky you get to a certain point in life and you stop thinking about who's right and who's wrong, but maybe more like how can we make the situation the best that it can be for all involved. What bothers me most about this situation is that I am good friends with both the kids. Great kids. Little T is a genius I swear to God. he's 11 and he's writing songs like a 16 year old. He loves the stones the Beatles Dylan Bruce U2 Radiohead prince. a freaking 11 year old in this day and age of shitty Emo and screamo music – which is the shit that all the other kids listen to – already knows the good stuff. cool kid. they hide out in my apt all the time to get away from the screaming. Everytime I speak with the mom she is screaming about the ex. Kids have a problem in school, it’s the ex husbands fault. Everything. its all his fault. Now of course he says the same thing. I mean, they're both stupid for this. they're both probably right in their own ways, but their both stupid for not seeing what's really happening. and worse they're both heartless idiots for cutting the other one down in front of the kids.
One night she started in on her my husbands loser speech in front of my main man, the eleven year old. “are you retarded?” I asked her, right there on the steps in front of the kid...
Current spin: Richard and Linda Thompson, best of island years.
One of my girls was on the phone with tmobile and Motorola at the same time to try to figure out how to get the cell phone to back up the phone numbers onto the laptop.
Hey Sam,
Real quick data dump here. new album is doing very well. up and down. recently compared to Jim Morrison for my lyrics in a review. felt good of course. contrast that with an equal amount of bad reviews or worse, just pure ignoring us for the most part, and well you’ve got one roller coaster after another in my poor head and heart....
Congrats on you and xxx! How wonderful. Nesting. Aaahhh. I long for it once more.
Yes perhaps I have arrived because I now officially hate New York as much as I once liked it.... ugh is my feeling word for the day. yes, one day I would like to find a place as cool as New York but warmer and less noisy and less INTENSE.
John and T are good. the girls are good. John is stressed like all married corporate working fathers.... t is the model wife and mother... they live in Katy Texas now God love em and God hope I never have to go there.... LOL.
Spoke with Laura recently and she sounded rather chipper. In good spirits.
How are things with your mom and you? getting better?
San Diego? Heard its great. Enjoy the warmth...
Lets hang some time when you get back. I could always use some BKLN time.
Safe flight.
E
Seeing the conflict in action everyday right now with this CD of ours. one minute we’re stars and in the next minute we are nobodies. What a fucking roller coaster.
Gary = Gray,
Bill taking a shit
Not wasting my time with Tyler or someone else
I am shit. I am still so full of pretense that it drives me crazy. today I finally met someone who works in our office here after being here since October. You know, how hard it is sometimes to just put yourself out there and say hello...must change that.
Amazon.com right? very soon they will rule the free world.
Slowly but surely watching myself become a junkie yet again. the thing about being a junkie, whatever your pleasure, is that you tell yourself that if you are rich or successful that it doesn’t matter. That you can do it anyway. but its not true. you still get sucked in. and you still get sucked down. Just like you did when you were poor and unsuccessful. It doesn’t matter who you are, if you go all out on any drug trip you're going to hit bottom and eventually suffer. so the question that begs is if one knows this, then why would one still partake?
Current spin: belle and Sebastian, dear catastrophe waitress. I love this band. reminds me of phoenix and Donovan. Sounds like they are from the sixties.
Amnesty slams U.S. on human rights
Wednesday, May 25, 2005 Posted: 6:42 AM EDT (1042 GMT)
LONDON, May 25 (Reuters) -- Four years after the September 11 attacks on New York and Washington, human rights are in retreat worldwide and the United States bears most responsibility, rights watchdog Amnesty International said on Wednesday.
From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe the picture is bleak. Governments are increasingly rolling back the rule of law, taking their cue from the U.S.-led war on terror, it said.
"The USA as the unrivalled political, military and economic hyper-power sets the tone for governmental behavior worldwide," Secretary General Irene Khan said in the foreword to Amnesty International's 2005 annual report.
"When the most powerful country in the world thumbs its nose at the rule of law and human rights, it grants a license to others to commit abuse with impunity," she said.
London-based Amnesty cited the pictures last year of abuse of detainees at Iraq's U.S.-run Abu Ghraib prison, which it said were never adequately investigated, and the detention without trial of "enemy combatants" at the U.S. naval base in Cuba.
"The detention facility at Guantanamo Bay has become the gulag of our times, entrenching the practice of arbitrary and indefinite detention in violation of international law," Khan said.
She also noted Washington's attempts to circumvent its own ban on the use of torture.
"The U.S. government has gone to great lengths to restrict the application of the Geneva Convention and to 're-define' torture," she said, citing the secret detention of suspects and the practice of handing some over to countries where torture was not outlawed.
U.S. President George W. Bush often said his country was founded on and dedicated to the cause of human dignity -- but there was a gulf between rhetoric and reality, Amnesty found.
"During his first term in office, the USA proved to be far from the global human rights champion it proclaimed itself to be," the report said, citing Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay.
'Blurred distinction'
But the United States was by no means the sole or even the worst offender as murder, mayhem and abuse of women and children spread to the four corners of the globe, Amnesty said.
"The human rights abuses in Iraq and Afghanistan were far from being the only negative repercussions of the response to the terrible events of Sept. 11, 2001.
"Since that day, the framework of international human rights standards has been attacked and undermined by both governments and armed groups," Amnesty said.
The increasingly blurred distinction between the war on terror and the war on drugs prompted governments across Latin America to use troops to tackle crimes traditionally handled by police, the report said.
In Asia too, the war on terror was blamed for increasing state repression, adding to the woes of societies already worn down by poverty, discrimination against minorities, a string of low-intensity conflicts and politicization of aid, it added.
Africa too remained riven by regional wars and political repression, and the abject failure of the international community to take concerted action to end the slaughter in Sudan's vast Darfur region was a cause of shame.
Khan also condemned the United Nations Commission on Human Rights for failing to stand up for those supposedly in its care.
"The U.N. Commission of Human Rights has become a forum for horse-trading on human rights," she said. "Last year the Commission dropped Iraq from scrutiny, could not agree on action on Chechnya, Nepal or Zimbabwe and was silent on Guantanamo Bay."
It is fucking freezing here right now! I am shivering. Space heater is back out of the closet.
New York sucks. Sometimes. It sucks to live here. it is may 25th and everyone is walking around in winter coats still. it is raining and it is bitter cold. The subway was packed. Like sardines, some short fat lady with her elbow in my back. just nuts how everyone piles in there holding our breath and doing our best not to look each other in the eye. Shoved up against each other like cattle before the slaughter.
Went to check out loho studios in the lower east side. Cool vibe. Albert from the strokes was there. working on a solo album. Rufus just finished some work there. I will record M32 there as soon as I nail it.
Then later in a cab, I'm sitting in the back there and this thought comes to me ‘what if we get into an accident? Will I be quick enough to jump to the other side of the seat if someone smashes into us? just as I was thinking that, a minivan smashed into us, but time slowed down and I was quick enough to jump from one side of the car to the other to avoid getting smashed up. my body aches and my neck hurts now.
Within five minutes these guys are cutting a deal with each other. the guy who hit us gives the cab driver eighty bucks and they both bolt from the scene. New York.
The other thing is that you are always on edge here. if its not people screaming at all hours of the day and night in the 3000 sq ft townhouse you share with three to five other families, it’s the man with no legs dragging himself across the subway floor with a paper cup in his mouth asking for money. or some toothless old bag lady coming up to you on the street. Or some mad lunatic yelling at no one in the park scaring the shit out of everyone. My nerves are always on edge here.
One thing I notice is that if you are on your own, I mean if time is totally yours, to do with what you want, it is sometimes difficult to get yourself to do certain things, to get motivated to do stuff. I mean, its easy to do certain things you know. listen to music, write songs, write, watch DVDs, surf the Internet, read, use the bathroom, eat some food,
5-25-2005
I just spent the last three hours on this website classmates.com. I don't know why. I just saw it advertised somewhere for the millionth time and decided to check it out. wow. I was so overwhelmed by the realization of how long it has been. so long ago indeed.
Everyone on there is married or was married. Maybe you have to be married to post there. obviously not. but what is it about people getting married... I love the idea of marriage if it weren't so permanent. Five year term with an option to renew would be more like it. are we trapped by a ... never mind. Of course we are. I only started the statement in the form of a question as a pretense not to offend others. indeed, humanity, westerners I should add, are trapped by an ideological persistent mass of beliefs (a belief cluster that seems very real) in consciousness that we call marriage. Lets break it down. The individual beliefs inherent in the belief system would be something like the following:
* Eventually we have children.
* If we want children we need to be married.
* we want to be married. We feel called to it. feels like something that we should do.
* Everyone gets married
* Its just something you do
* If you love someone you marry them
* Marriage is forever. it lasts forever
* When you are married you are monogamous.
* Divorce is not such a good thing. still taboo although accepted.
* But if you do get divorced you can get married again.
* And again.
* I suppose there are many many more all tied up together in this cluster. One could add many beliefs about religion and God if they are inclined that way.
Its funny, but I too am feeling a very strong desire to get married and have children with my life now. especially after going to this site. Why? I don't know.
seems like once you get married you have accomplished something, and yet, anyone can get married. And absolutely anyone can have children. Not really anything easier to accomplish on the face of the earth really. Have sex. have children. So there has to be more to it than all of that. for me I've always avoided marriage like the plague up until this point. People always ask you, ‘well what are you waiting for?” But I always feel that it’s the opposite. “what are we rushing into it for?” don't people know that its forever? what's the rush? Its not like you can go back and change your mind once you do it.... I mean, once married that's it. you're locked in. except in the mind of Fishy, there is no five year term with any options to renew. You're either staying in it for life or your going to get divorced... scary thought. What would you like for breakfast today? cornflakes or cornflakes?
O.k. enough about marriage. Hey when you know, you know. and for now, I don't know. perhaps one day I will. until then I will continue to live large and explore the great adventures that life has to offer. Again, there is always time to get married. That's for sure. No hurry there. at least not for us menfolk. but once married, there is no more time. you're pretty much locked in for life. unless you live in Hollywood or Beverly hills and then of course you just get divorced and move on...
But wow. this whole classmates.com thing. has it really been that long? what the hell have I been doing with my life? so little to show. So little accomplished. So much more to do... who the hell am I? who have I been? What am I doing with my life? am I even close? Am I even living? Who the hell am I?
May 24, 2005
M32 log
Today was the official start date for the M32 album. Just me and a bunch of guitars in a rehearsal studio in the music building on 30th street in Manhattan. It felt good to get down to work again on a new project but this was difficult. The idea is a seemingly simple one: create an album that is made up of just guitar feedback. Two to four guitars in a room at once feeding back. and somehow make it musical, make it sound and feel good. Spent about four hours today. my head is killing me. discoveries: today I had two guitars feeding back the whole time. tomorrow I will try three or four. I need tube amps. Need effects processors. Need more reverb. Feedback is hard to manipulate. Playing just feedback is very difficult without feeling compelled to hit notes or make music of some kind which is exactly what I am trying not to do. I kept feeling a longing to play music on the guitar rather than just make noise or feedback. Also, I missed having drums. I missed having a beat going.... am I going at this wrong? should I add beats? My head is killing me. more left side. Ears are ringing. Have to wear ear plugs the whole time. but they muffle so much of the sound that you lose the vibe of it and yes that sucks. but still, unfortunately it’s a necessity. Man I'm feeling slightly fucked from this. thought it would be a touch easier. But it will actually be quite the challenge.
Hey I got the hiccups yesterday and I tried that technique with the fingers and again it worked within a second. You hold your forefingers as close as you can pointing to each other without actually touching and that's it. it is instant. Don't know why this works. I would never do this if I didn't have the hiccups. Would probably catapult me into another universe or through some black-hole or something.
Some recent pictures of Tehran, in Iran. When one sees these pictures, one does not immediately think of the Iran that we see on the news in America. An entirely different scenario comes into view really than the paranoid delusions the American government tends to try to pass on to the unsuspecting public. In America when we think of Iran we think of the third world, a manic people obsessed with bombs and religious and military fanaticism. And yet the more you get to know the city and its people, a very open minded and artistic nature begins to appear, very much still like the grand Persian empire we study in our youth. Such a sense of style they seem to posses. my prediction is that Iran is now opening up culturally, their soul is opening and is about to flourish. Not because of the revolution that created the current conservative Muslim government that controls them but in spite of it. they are ready for another cultural revolution, but it will come slowly and subtly and methodically this time. through their people’s understanding that making money is what changes societies, not overthrowing your government. (of course if this were true, America wouldn’t be the prisoners we currently are under this evil regime). In any case Iran is the youngest country in the world today. over fifty percent of their population is under the age of thirty. Their favorite country in the world is America. This is true. they love everything American. They are not against us or about to attack us. they feel threatened by us of course, because of what we are doing to Palestine and Iraq, but they love our culture. I'll tell you, the best thing we could do is overthrow both the American and the current Iranian governments and put in our own people controlled governments instead of these current corporate run ones. Take the current ones and put all these old guys in their boring old suits on an island somewhere in the pacific, give them a bunch of guns and bombs and let them fight it out as long as they want to or until they're all dead. Then we use the island as giant garbage dump for the whole world. that my friends is what we should really do.
So the Iranian people if you are lucky enough to know them, their hearts are open now and they are ready to join the western world and even more importantly carve out a special place of their own. let us hope they will still be able to maintain their own cultural identity and that America won't attack or attempt to control as it always seems to want to. I have a great feeling about the country and people Iran. There is something in the air about it, something I feel intuitively. Pictures below tell more than I can possibly muster up with words. something about Iran that is going to be spectacular once they fully release themselves.
[evolution: it is happening all over the earth now. a real cultural revolution in the soul of humankind. Again, in my opinion, in spite of radically conservative militant and intolerant governments like the current American, Chinese, Cuban, or north Korean or so many other governments and their grand schemes of deception and imperialism. The people are still forging onward and breaking new ground.
We see this evolution everywhere. we are constantly evolving now. at a very rapid pace. If you are an early adopter, someone who is always on the cutting edge of thought and use, you notice it daily. You notice it on the Internet especially, how the interface and usability is constantly changing. Systems like eBay or Amazon or myspace or p2p sharing platforms are always improving and shifting gears. Its exciting. Pop-culturists do not notice it as much because for the most part they stay in the center of the mainstream and never venture out too much; the business of pop culture is to keep the majority of the people in the same mind frame year after tired year so they keep buying whatever the suits are selling and don't migrate to any new anythings. “Here's a pretty face. She wants to have sex with you. really she does. Here's a hot guy. you can be just like him. really you can. here's a funny guy. his show is on at 8pm prime time. watch him. everyone does. Really they do. here's some fresh new music for you. it was created especially for you by ten writers, fifteen producers, twelve remixers, and thirty thousand backing vocal tracks to sound just like everything else being made today. you’ll like it. really you will. everyone does. Here's four hot chicks. They're show is on at ten because its hot and racy. If you watch it, you’ll be cool. really you will. Its just like last years show with four hot girls that was hot and racy and everyone that watched it was cool. Don't touch that dial. (big smile here) Use your credit card and buy today.” [insert big-teeth-smiling-face here, and perhaps another hot guy or two laughing while he swings his hot girl around the room a few times.] Flip on network TV or even cable, not that I'm recommending that, but go ahead, do it for even a few seconds just for fun or if you need to induce vomiting, you’ll see what I mean. it is de-evolution at its finest.
But yes, as we open up we see the evolution taking place all around us in spite of the mainstream. And yes it’s exciting. humankind is slowly evolving right before our eyes.
During the presidential debates we saw firsthand what it is like to live amongst a human society that is in between an evolutionary cycle revolving around one particular subject. Evolution is a very slow process, so we didn't necessarily notice it. we never do. we only read about evolution in history books after we are all dead and we have had time to view it from afar. But after reflection one can remember the debate on same sex marriage as being a good example of this in-between stage in our evolution regarding this particular subject. If one can propel oneself into the future, even if only a few years from now, one can easily see that same sex marriage is a non-issue. Its happening. it will happen. there is work to be done of course, but this is not something we have to worry about. just as with women’s rights. It was only a matter of time before the human brain evolved enough to allow it to happen. most of this stuff is fear-based. Small brain stuff. the men were afraid to let women vote and have equal rights. The women were afraid to stand up to the men. So nothing happened for two thousand years. but eventually it happened. And eventually same sex marriage will seem as common place as women going to the polls to vote.
reflecting on the debates last night I was remembering how both men were very afraid to say anything about it. both very cautious, afraid because of this imaginary middle America that is evidently so threatened by tom and tom getting hitched that they're going to base their election of a United States president on the matter. Forget that they’re all losing their jobs overseas and that our environment is being speedily sold off to the highest corporate bidders, that none of us have health insurance that's worth a damn, or that our government is selling our country out from under us to china in the form of T-bills. Forget all that. don't let fucking tom and tom get married or these middle Americans are really going to be pissed.
So anyway if you saw the debates you got to see what evolution looks like before it actually fast-forwards. Same sex marriage is an issue that is about to fast-forward in American society and on a larger scale in the entire human population. [the term fast-forward meaning that just before a subject or an issue evolves in human society, there is a slowdown, a pause, a hold back by the slower thinking, slower evolving moral majority among us, and then bam! It fast forwards to its rightful conclusion. I'm not sure if anyone else has already noticed this phenom but its obvious.] What we saw when we listened to those two men state their humble opinions that they are against same sex marriage because it is against their religions is the last howl by a bunch of old timer, slower-evolving, dying old cows before they are led to the slaughter. Not bad animals at all. served their purpose. And so we honor them. but unfortunately they are not serving humankind anymore because they are being held back by old world non-evolving states of mind. In ten years we are going to study these debates in our public schools in college when we are studying the cultural evolution of human rights. Read me now, believe me later.]
Anyway enough of my babbling. Here are those pictures of Iran I promised you: I think they will surprise a lot of us.
Saman Complex - Tehran
Tehran Philharmonic Orchestra
Apartment interior - Tehran
Interior of a Tehran residence
Under-the-Caspian restaurant
May 24 perhaps. I have no idea really.
Check this out: This is great. Everything he writes is almost always great.
It's interesting how letting go is actually, in some ways, letting something take
hold of me, have its way with me.
Letting go is not banishing or throwing away. It's not necessarily saying
goodbye to something. It may be simply allowing it to fulfill its purpose within
me.
So how does that actually work?
I sit down to meditate. One of my goals is to stop thinking about elephants.
And sure enough a huge elephant pops up in my consciousness. At first he
just stands there quietly. So I block him out. He appears behind me and raises
his trunk and bellows.
If I demand that he go away all that will really happen is that he will do his
various dances to torment me.
But if I say, okay Elephant, here you are, do your thing, whatever you have to
do, he will do his dance, use up his energy and I will be thinking about
flamingoes.
Or, and this is a major flash, he may have something important to say that I
need to hear. There are lessons to be learned in letting go too. What I am
letting go of is my resistance.
When I am threatened by an idea I may try to reject it. My fear builds a wall.
When I let go, I let go of the wall. I let go of the stick I am beating it with. I let go
of the anger that is trying to scare it away.
I accept the idea in the sense that I allow it to travel freely in my
consciousness. But I don't defend it either. It's on its own, has to survive all by
itself.
Fighting it or defending it gives it energy and staying power.
So I'm letting go of my own struggles, not the idea. The idea finishes itself off,
wears itself out, dissipates, and I am left cleansed or enlightened.
Emanations
Copyright © 2005 by John MacEnulty
5/24/05, St. Louis, MO
Emanations is now a BLOG at http://emanations.blog-city.com/
Current read: Silent Bob speaks by Kevin Smith. I love Kevin Smith. Good guy. smart. Witty. Funny as all hell.
And still reading the diaries of Brian Eno. This is a bible for me right now.
May 23, 2005
O.k. so what would “I am free of pretense” look like?
Been thinking a lot about it the last few days, been catching myself. I'll tell you, one thing I have noticed is that I mam just full of pretense. One thing about self development is this: once you set your mind to improving a certain aspect of yourself, you will immediately start to notice when you are showing up not as you prefer. If you're good and real and honest with yourself you really will be on the lookout of how you are showing up and you will see where you are and try in every moment to attempt to curb the behavior that you don't prefer. So one thing I notice is that I am just totally full of pretense. This doesn’t mean that I'm full of shit because I'm not for the most part. I still love myself and feel proud of myself and feel very much happy to be me. But what it is is that I am noticing more and more how full of PRETENSE I am. Whatever that means. For me I know what that means. And its something I want to change now. wow. Finally. Never even recognized it before. just always felt intuitively that there was something wrong still in me. something I couldn’t put my finger on....
could I, can I, do I want to, do I dare, just go for it balls to the wall honest to God real me free of pretense beingness? And again, what would that look like? Popcorn answers: I would be happier, much happier. I wouldn’t be comparing myself to everyone like I do now. I wouldn’t be always noticing that I am putting on airs for people. I wouldn’t be dropping names. Do I really drop names? Well, I don't know, but if I was being real and free of pretense I wouldn’t be that way. I would be myself all the time. I wouldn’t be trying to be a rock star. I would just be being me. God can you imagine me not trying to be a rock star all the time. I still feel most of the time that I'm not rock star enough. So in turn I am always trying to be more of a rock star. Imagine me just showing up as me and not worrying about whether or not I am rock star enough? Wow. i feel an immediate sense of calm and peace in me as I write it. I immediately think of lenny Kravitz, the rock stars rock star. If bono is writing the book on being a rock star, lenny Kravitz is writing the introduction to the book. Can Fishy fit in somewhere in between all that? well I don't know yet quite honestly. Can I make any money at all by just being myself. I think of Richard marx. The polar opposite of the rock star. My worst fear. Being Richard marx. Oh my God no!!! I scream inside. God please say it isn't so. please say I don't have to turn into a Richard marx or a Michael Bolton.
This is all going to come down to just trusting. I'm just going to have to trust that I'm good enough as who I am. Whoever that is. in this business people are always advising you to be more rock star. Think Jet, the Strokes, white stripes, the Killers, etc etc etc.... the makeup and the ripped up jeans and the cool euro-hair and the boots and the white belt... everyday I hear from one of our advisers or managers or publicists to be more like that. have to be more of a rock star they casually mention or eagerly offer as the answer to end all need for answers.... yep. I could keep trying to be that. sure. God knows that for ten years I've been trying to be a rock star. But I haven't achieved rock stardom from any of that. So what if I just let all that go and just explore who I am? Hhhmmm. O.k. fine. I'm there now. I will try. I will try to explore this new identity of “I am free of pretense” and see what comes out of it.
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I tell Princess Little Tree at one point that I feel constipated. Why don't you go to the bathroom she asks. I don't mean like that sweetie. But my pockets are becoming full of all these little pieces of paper from all these notes that I'm taking and I'm not writing enough. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have to ask you if its o.k. if I spend some serious time writing tonight. do you mind? No of course not. but haven't you been writing every night? yes I have. but only like an hour a day. normally I write about four or five hours a day. she looks at me as if I'm mad. people love reading people. we love books and magazines and newspapers and movies and plays and now even blogs. But most people have no idea how much time writing takes. I'm working on those two different books and the diaries and taking notes on new albums and writing songs all at the same time, so only writing an hour a day is killing me. i have to write more or I'm going to get too backed up and upset and moody. Best not to go there. you read and I'll write o.k.? o.k.
Princess Little Tree is such a godsend. No words for this situation. and yet so many words. I say I need to write. She says o.k. she reads. I write. All is well. the last letter I had written to her I said ‘how can something so good not be right.’ and I ask myself this everyday. I love her dearly. And yet I know she is not my future wife. Why? I don't know. sure it’s the matter of children and the fact that we live 3000 miles away from one another. But it is also a feel thing. and its something like this... it is not that I don't love Princess Little Tree. It is not that I don't love being with her. it is more like I have a feel for my wife. And I have for over four years now. I feel her. no doubt about it. It is hard to explain what that means. Even to myself. Does that mean you see her in your head?
Current spin: Arlan feiles. Razing a nation. This is one of the BEST right now. man I cannot fathom why some artists are popular and some are not. one of the great puzzles of the universe.
May 22, 2005
Wonderful weekend. Fig and olive, star wars movie, central park, Indian dinner, unity church, brunch with friends, four seasons for afternoon tea. I know I know, why would someone so anti-religion always be going to church all the time. well as soon as I figure that one out I'll let you know. maybe I'm hoping for a new kind of evolution.
Thinking about the Enron scandal from that movie that I just watched. Thinking about Boo Boo Kitty and what she and her brothers and sisters are going through with her sister’s recent treatment for breast cancer. She's only 30 years old but there it is and with both their parents being passed on, its up to them to deal with all the bill paying all on their own. but its hard. Its quite honestly a full time job. The health insurance companies job is to deny the claims. Period. The sister has cancer. She gets treated. The treatment costs hundreds of thousands of dollars. She is covered by medical insurance they think. but the insurance companies refuse to accept the bills or pay for them. they continue to deny the claims and so boo boo sits in her little apartment in mid town Manhattan with a floor full of bills and paperwork totally going out of her mind. Frustrated beyond frustration. Crying and pulling her hair out. they tell her ‘I'm sorry Miss, you'll have to call back between the hours of 9;30 to 11;30 or 1;30 to 4;30. that's the only time suo and so will be available to speak with you....” so what if Boo Boo Kitty or her sister have jobs? what then? exactly. they are fucked. Just like everyone in America. I was deeply affected by this experience. I tried to remain cool and calm and appreciate her creation so as to support her as a good friend would. But inside I was boiling. I walked out of there that night and walked up fifth avenue fuming. America is a shit hole full of evil greedy money grabbers. Something must be done.
I awoke this morning with a revelation speaking to me in my dreams. it was as clear as day. At this point in America one is finally resolved to believe that we have no choice but to resort to absolute anarchy and violence to make the changes we need in this country. this was the message I saw and heard in my dreams. I shared the vision I had with Princess Little Tree and a few others at brunch this morning. “I have decided that we need to resort to violence in order to right how fucking wrong things are in this country,” I began.
“what do you mean?” asks Tom Cat.
“what I mean is that a fucking bomb needs to go off in some of the buildings where these health insurance companies are. plain and simple. Its not fair how things are here now. we are total fucking victims of how greedy and twisted and deceptive our country has turned into.”
“I think its just that things are so fucked now that everyone just says fuck it and tried to make as much money as they can and ignores what's going on around them. I know that's what I'm doing.” Tom says. “We’re not going to change things. its too far gone.”
“That's my point. You're a regular old normal thirty year old attorney and you've already given up on believing in America. So what's a regular old mother of two in Montana who's getting fucked in the ass by her job or by her medical insurance company or her credit card company supposed to do? she's fucking without hope. And that's what I mean. we could put an end to this in less than a year if we started going into these offices and shooting these fuckhead greedy bastards and dragging their asses out into the street for everyone to see that we aren't going to take it anymore.”
“Harsh words my brother. But I hate to say it, but I think you're right.”
“No no no.” protested Little Tree. “There's no excuse for killing people.”
“I would disagree with you there,” said tom cat. “if someone was trying to hurt your children you would have no problem killing them.”
“that's true. if someone was hurting my children I would want to kill them.”
“yes exactly. and that's precisely what's happening now all over our country. our children are getting hurt and killed by how fucking evil and fucked up things are. children are being denied medical treatment because of health insurance companies. Children are dying, people are dying because of health insurance companies. And almost worse than that, they're going fucking bankrupt even when they have health insurance. Because the rules are all set up on their side. And you think our congressmen are going to do anything about it? fuck no. because they already have health insurance and plenty of money. so they don't give a shit.”
“And plus bro that's where they get so much of their campaign money from. from the companies like that.”
“yep. That's what I'm saying. But I'm telling you right now. a few of these fucking ceos get a bullet in the head on their way to their car because some lady can’t pay for her husbands cancer treatment and we’ll see how fast this continues.”
“I can’t believe you are an Avatar and you talking like this. Fishy stop. You don't mean even mean it.”
“Honey, I do mean it. that's the thing. I know it sounds crazy. I know I sound like Anakin skywalker and I've sold my soul to the dark side, but you know what? this is the only way we are going to win this country back for the people. we are too far gone now. our country has totally been taken over by greed and money interests and no one does a fucking thing about it.”
“What are you doing about it? what peaceful actions are you taking?”
“Please. look at my website for gods sake. Do you know how much time and effort tand money I've spent and so many of the people that work for me have spent trying to educate and enlighten people to take action? How much I've protested and marched and been an activist the last five to ten years?”
“Well that's true.”
“yes I know its true. and all my friends too. I have friends all over the fucking country who have dedicated their entire lives to trying to change things for the better in this country. real hard core activists. And you know what? they haven't done shit. on most accounts they haven't done anything. But we all continue to promote the causes and preach the good work. But bush has still gone into Iraq and killed more than one hundred thousand Iraqis in less than two years. and everyone in America just sits around and pretends that it’s o.k. and you think that's right? that's killing people and yet Americans seem fine with it.”
“But that isn't right either Fishy.”
“Yeah I know. but try telling that to most Americans. They're too busy as tom says making money and thinking about themselves. And that's because our system is so corrupt that we have no choice but to be totally selfish and self concerned. We don't have time to think about Iraqis getting killed because we’re too fucking worried about how we’re going to pay the bank fees or the credit card aprs or the high health insurance monthly bills. So we let bush and his madmen do whatever the hell they want.... even if that means killing people in other countries. Even if that means fucking with our school systems or destroying our forests or selling us out to big companies like Enron...”
“You make a good point man.” Tom says.
“I know. and trust me. I wish it weren't this way. but it is. and my activist friends just aren't seeing what's really going on because they too now are so caught up in the paperwork and the beurocracy of how things are here that they go on day after day without noticing that they haven't accomplished shit. somewhere down the line I just woke up and realized that I don't believe in martin Luther king now, but instead with Malcolm X and the black panthers to use a simple analogy. we’re going to have to fight now. we’re going to have to rise up and start get violent if we are going to have any chance of having any rights whatsoever. Already what people deal with with their banks and their health insurance and their credit card companies is total bullshit. watch ho fast that changes if a few bombs go off and people start dying.”
________________________________
now to be fair I am going to post the following article that someone just forwarded to me, because one it is really fucking good, and two, it is rather appropriate, seems significant, and may help balance the above rantings and ravings. So here it is:
http://boston.tribe.net/thread/90d3ec86-ed3f-44d4-a27b-e6f279ecc6d7?tribeid=ab733928-44f5-45d6-ba76-3f6d60963c7c&r=10509
A breath of new Air...
by Shadan Taliesin Janara of the Uhlm Shadi
* * *
I generally don't credit those who's "leadership" has led us, collectively, to this point that we've reached, but there is one area of praise where they deserve the credit...
...They play the best game in the world... (literally)
They play for real world stakes, and their currency isn't even money... (to them, that's "just the scorecard") ...Their currency is the blood, sweat, tears, and TIME of other people.
For those who take time to look at how society really works, it doesn't take too long to realize that "the career ladder" is nothing more than a well-constructed illusion...
There is absolutely nothing stopping each and every person in this tribe from becoming a CEO (or other business owner) and "taking the reins of economic power & freedom" except our own beliefs and self-fulfilling disempowerment... (or the conscious choice not to live that kind of life)... What largely stops most people is the honest belief that "it just can't be done"...
(To which I can't help but respond by screwing up my face in the most incredulous look and saying, "Oh really...? Then how come there are people who are actually doing it...?")
I mean, seriously... They don't have "degree programs"for becoming a CEO... (or if there are, I would find them a highly dubious affair, no doubt) ...Because CEOs and business owners come from all walks of life and tend to have fairly "colorful" backgrounds when compared to the white collar suck-ass underlings who wouldn't have the first clue of how to guide a business if they actually decide to start oneof their own.
By and large, the only requirement to being a successful business owner is the realization of the sad socio-eonomic truth that "Somewhere, there is someone who is stupid enough to buy anything"... The logistcal problem is simply connecting whatever one's goods and services are to those who are ready to buy it...
In other words, the whole philosophy surrounding our economy is based on an inherently predatory notion under the guise of a mutually benefitcial exchange... Business logic is about getting the maximum amount of profit for the smallest expenditure possible.
But because the business is the entity who is likely more economically aware than your average consumer, these exchanges are nearly always biased in the favor of the business, simply because of the perception that "the business is holding all of the cards"...
...Which, frankly, is a load of horseshit.
Those in power know the truth of things.... That EVERY SINGLE PEICE of power and leverage that they hold sway over, WE GAVE TO THEM!!! Sure, we ended up with all kinds of nifty trinkets, toys, and things that we thought would be "nice" to have...
...But that's because we are largely blissfully unaware of the powerful value that a currency trully represents. We spend it on meals out, entertainment, and dozens of other things which we really don't "need" by any but the most fanciful stretch of the imagination...
...And in the meantime, the businesses have been the social entities amassing all the power...
It's not that our government is fucked up, it's that our society is... If the real problem was "just our government", I'd be full on, right there, arming up for the overthrow... But it's just not the real problem...
The real problems of the world can only be solved by having a supportive stucture in place that helps shelter and incubate the changes from external forces which would seek to undermine them...
This kind of conflict can only be "solved" by creating a system that undermines their system faster than they can undermine yours... (and this type of "friendly competitive behavior" is actually quite common in the business world... Stabbing your competitor in the back is seen as a "good thing". (Recently this model is slowly shifting as more and more businesses are rationalizing the logic behind "strategic partnerships".
So, essentially, what it all comes down to are the two "battlefiends" - the economic markets, and the courts...
In order to survive in business these days, it is essential that a business owner have at least a more than passing awareness of both...
(If you don't know what company is getting sued for what and why, a business owner can be very suprised when someone sues them out of the blue... Never even realizing that the "offended person" was simply paid to make the legal complaint in exchange for compensation by their competitors...)
Because their competitors would know that a court fight is a very costly expense that usually isn't planned for in tight budgets, and because a company's ability to grow & expand depends on their having the available capital to respond to changes in the marketplace... If timed correctly, this kind of operation (a lawsuit) can not only severely hamper a business, it can outright destroy it by setting into motion the collapse of their years of financial planning ... All sucked away by court and lawyers fees...
This is why most businesses prefer to settle out of court. Not because they are "guilty" of whatever they were accused of, but because it simply cheaper and less risky to just shut a person up by throwing gobs of money at the person and their lawyers on the condition that they (basically) "just shuit up and go away".
There is truly a very serious war brewing in the better part of humanity, as we seek to bridge the gulf between the world as we'd like it to be and the world that exists as it is. As both pictures become clearer, we realize that BOTh must compromise in order for them to co-exist in a harmonious and balanced manner.
Making sudden, drastic changes can be tactically useful, but by and large, this will be a war of attrition... It wil come down to who wears down whom, and for what reasons does the victor hold such a strong resolve.
We are obviously "waiting for a hero" to lead us into this battle which we know will be tougher than most struggles people have faced in their lives... But the truth of the matter is that we won't EVER manifest the vision of spiritual perfection and harmony on a collective scale unless we try.
And in order for it to succeed, we don't just need one hero... We need an ARMY OF HEROES. Everyone is a hero to someone, even if only to themselves. We are all heroes in the making...
But the true test of a hero isn't the ideology they spout, or the systems that they've devised, or even really about what their opinion is.
What makes a hero a hero is that when a crisis arrives, so do they. They do not run from danger just because it's "dangerous" or "gross"... They are a hero simply because they saw a need, they stepped up to the plate, and they just did what had to be done.
Not for the praise, or fame, or glory... ...But because something HAD to be done and they didn't see anyone else stepping up to the plate at the time of need.
But these days, we don't really glorify heroes... In fact, we hardly mention them at all...
Hell, it took terrorists smashing entire planes into two buildings to make us recognize the risks that firemen take on a DAILY BASIS... Now I'm not saying that they don't deserve the praise they've recieved by any means... Quite the opposite.
But why is it that we exalt the spectaular displays, rather than admiring the quiet resolve of the "sleeping heroes"... Those who step out of the shadows when things are at their darkest hour and rise to the challenges that face SOMEONE ELSE...
And if we continue to laugh at and degrade those who's actions are truly heroic, don't be suprised if someday one of these posts is about, "Where have all the heros gone?"
Because, unlike some people, I actually know their out there - I've seen them in action. Their actions NEVER make the news, and, if anything, their interactions are chastized or denigrated because they "didn't do the right thing by getting the proper authorities on the matter"...
Which is the biggest load of horseshit... If their expertise was at the levels that they would suppose, the problem wouldn't have happened in the first place, or they would have already been vigilent to the potential and they would have been readied for it.
Heroes are heroes precisely because they instinctively react to human suffering and immediately move to alleiviate it. Not because they are "enlightened beings"or "saintly", but because they saw a real human need, and they knew they had it within them to respond to the situation.
Being a hero isn't about trying to live up to superhuman traits or attributes, it's about character and integrity in a time of great need, and retaining those qualities while everyone else is running around in circles waving their hands like "What are we gonna do?!"
Mostly, heroism isn't about being superhuman... It's about good old fashioned common sense...
("Hmm... let's see... He's bleeding... Perhaps we should do something to actually stop him from bleeding..." <-- You don't have to be a medic or an EMT to understand those basics [although First Aid and other medical skills are priceless to have and impart to others])
But when anyone who displays an ounce of common sense is riddiculed, and the others who see the sense of it remain silent, we will only be encouraging all of those ignorant morons who always pipe up AFTERWARDS about all the things they should have, could have, and would have done...
Because (take it from someone who's stood in those shoes more than once), a hero isn't going to concern themselves with defending themselves after the fact... They themselves are often stunned by their sudden reation... Only they aren't thinking of all of the critical crap that's being thrown at them... They are generally thinking, "OMFG... I just saved a person's life... They are still alive because of what I did..."
And the self-based nature of such a reflection aside for the moment, all of the other criticisms and recriminations leveled at them seem rather hollow and meaningless by comparison...
Because the hero is still reeling from the realization (thanks to our wonderfully traumatic upbringing in this society) that one person CAN and DOES make a difference. In everything they do, and in everything they say, and most especially in the way that they think.
Because each and everyone of us holds the inherent potential to become a true hero... Even if you all occasionally need the reminder that it's possible...
Current read: The Koran for Dummies. Should have done this years ago. Tried to read the Koran several times and always give up having no understanding of it’s meaning or historical perspective. So now I'm just going to go the dummies route and really dig and try to understand this religion. In America, and most of western society, exploring other religions is commonplace. Most of the time people stick to their judao or Christian roots, but its not uncommon for people to study and even practice for some time, different Christian churches, or zen or buhddism, krishnaism or Hinduism, or Taoism or even atheism, especially when we are in college. who's not an atheist in college for gods sake? But what you don't hear about very often is people studying or exploring or experimenting with being Muslim. Lets face it. that war started in 650 AD and has continued to rage for fourteen hundred years and we’re still smack dab in the middle of it today. So you may hear about converts to the Jewish faith, or Jews who accept Jesus and call themselves judao-Christian, and you may know a lot of cool peeps who go to the local buhddist temple in their neighborhood and dig the dali lama. But what we don't hear about is people converting to the religion of Islam. So most of us don't even know what it is or what its about.
I know I've studied the hell out of it the last few years since 9/11. about the basic ideas and principles, so I could get into the heart and mind of it more; but today at church, went to a local Unity Church on the upper west side, I noticed that the minister quoted the buhdda and quoted Jesus and quoted the Tao te ching which is why enlightened minds love the unity churches – more open minded holistic all-embracing than the other churches which stick to the same old same old singular vision of it all – but I couldn’t help but notice that as holistic as the message was, he didn't quote Mohamad, or quote from the Koran. and you know, Islam is a pretty fucking popular religion and surely I thought if it has that many followers, just as any other of man’s religions, it must be filled with some beautiful things as well as scary things too. I think the problem is that because we've been fighting with them for so many thousands of years we just pretty much ignore the study of their religion. So ministers don't even quote them, but they don't have a problem say quoting Ghandi who wa a Hindu. O.k. so off to the book store to research the Koran. and lets see what happens. I'll keep you posted. I am sure it will be frightening just like all the holy books of humankind. But I am also sure it will offer plenty of insight and inspiration as well. lets face it, cat Stevens converted to Islam and cat was a pretty cool guy. so there's gotta be something there. if anything I will understand our Muslim brothers and sisters more. and maybe next time I see them slowly saw one of our fellow Americans heads off with a dull blade on live Internet TV, maybe just maybe I might have a better understanding of it all instead of just being scared shitless horrified and want to move to some remote village in Africa where at least if they kill you chances are they're doing it because they plan on eating you soon afterwards.
May 21
We can see the slow but constant cultural evolution all around us all the time. thought about candy the other night. yes candy. As always mom sends a ten pound box of it every year for Easter no matter where I am in the world. [this is just one of those awesome things about having a mom that you hope one day you can reciprocate. I return to my humble abode from being home for the holidays with a five pound Christmas stocking filled with gifts and candy and homemade cookies etc. then Easter comes around and I get these huge boxes of Easter candy, and then of course for Halloween the same thing... maybe she's secretly trying to kill me and Beav so she can take our money... LOL. but prob not. prob just trying to be sweet, forgive the pun, like moms do.] so I'm noticing that some Christmas candy had snuck into the Easter basket. How did I know this? because I was eating from a big handful of jellybeans and bunny and egg shaped chocolates when all of a sudden I realized that I was eating a bell shaped chocolate instead. of course one often doesn’t notice things like this. and just eats away, but with my limited lack of a life I was more than prepared to meet this challenge head-on and stop the whole damn event right there in its tracks. the problem was that these chocolate and peanut butter bells were my favorite treat in the whole damn fifteen pound box of sweets. And here they were bells left over from Christmas, somehow managed to surreptitiously jump out of my Christmas stocking obviously, and not having anything whatsoever to do with Easter. So what right had I to sit there eating from a box that was at best only pretending to be an Easter basket in the first place and then not even to be eating Easter shaped chocolates? Perplexed I was to say the least.
Anyway eventually I noticed that the bell shaped candies were actually made by the ever lovable Mr. Butterfinger. And that's my point. The major candy companies finally figured out after decades that they could take over the holiday candy market. And that in its own little way is evolution.
And let us not forget Monsieur Goozalu (the Persian word for “making wind” or passing gas) a very famous fartist from abroad. At first coming from the visual farts, he soon realized that if he added sound to his works of fart that he would win even more fame and prestige and literally could floor his audiences. His famous fart exhibits include the very popular annual ‘fart in the park’ among many others.
Last screening: star wars revenge of the sith. Yes I must admit that I was the one in case I disturbed you that yelled “Yew!” at the very beginning of the film when the intro appeared on screen. Just couldn’t help it. it has been a while hasn’t it and I was certainly as excited as anyone else there. But alas like the other two before it, just didn't quite cut it did it. by far the best one of the lot, but still left a lot to be desired. And one would mean that literally in this case rather than just cleverly copping a phrase to impress the next door neighbor in the knee high black leather boots. You do indeed walk away desiring a lot after sitting to watch these films. One wonders where is star wars? Where is that magic fairy dust that seemed to cover the first three when we were tiny tots. This one, wow, talk about bad dialogue versus no dialogue. Which was worse? The complete lack of story, sub-plot, or depth or the brief moments when we were forced to suffer through Samuel l Jackson pretend to be a Jedi master. Natalie Portman from what I can gather played a mannequin in a runway fashion show many costume changes to mark her different appearances where she just stood with her mouth dangling open staring out large windows thinking one assumes ‘just which of those damned designers put this old football helmet on my head and how long do I have to wear it?’ haydon God bless him delivered probably his best performance yet which doesn’t say much because his performances in these lucas disasters to date have been any word you can think of which has a wose connotation than dreadful. But still, he did his best job in this one. about as believable being evil as mickey mouse would be or Kermit the frog. Speaking of Kermit, yoda was as always hilarious without intentionally trying to be the poor bastard, doing all these flips and still not getting after all these years that the verbs follow the subjects when you’re speaking English. The first hour or two was just a lot of video game fighting between God knows who for only God knows what in very fake plastic computerized looking worlds... But to be fair as always the scenery was quite fascinating and at times exhilarating to view on the big screen and one was in awe of the special effects and detail involved in putting it all together. but beware now I warn you of the scene where ewan McGregor is riding on the back of a rubber dinosaur chasing a robot riding in a metal donut. So yes this too like the other two leave you longing for the first ones. oh well. we still have those very first two at least. I have some friends who worked on this film and they say the problem is that because George is George and everyone is so damned impressed to be working with him that no one says anything, no suggestions or critiquing. So its George doing his thing with no input whatsoever. I believe in input as an artist. The more the better. I have another friend who is an assistant to Ron Howard and he says that working with Ron is the exact opposite. He is always asking for people’s opinions so his movies tend to be better, more collaborative efforts and I think that comes through on the big screen.
Date?
In the movie theatre right now waiting for the new star wars movie to start. I have this cool fucking leather bag in San fran that hangs just right and is small enough to carry my laptop over my shoulder with minimal discomfort and so now I carry it everywhere with me because its easy. and so right there in the theatre before the movie started I was able to whip out the old laptop and start writing. right there in the theatre? weird? maybe. But in New York no matter what you do it seems as normal and acceptable as crossing the street. God bless our beloved New York. may I never live anywhere else.
5-20
the thing about the Abraham-hicks stuff is that it is so easy. the science of deliberate creation they call it. go for the feeling that you want is the method. Go for the best feeling that you can get to they say. Can you imagine... feels really easy. scary, because we aren't used to this at all. aren't used to just trying to go for the good feelings if things around us aren't feeling good... you know? but they are saying this is the key to manifesting our hearts desires and dreams... reminds of the old adage, ‘be it, do it, have it.’ in other words, be it first, but this is more like, ‘pretend that you are it and start to feel it and vibe it and then you will notice that you are it.’ spoke with the king the other day who is really into the abe-hicks technology and was telling him that I totally vibe with it. it seems so there, so on, so pure and dead on right, but still just getting used to practicing the process of it. will keep you posted. I do feel better. But lost these days. a whole week where I just feel totally fucking lost. Not myself.
New York is cold again. it is mid may, and we are still cold. Shivering outside cold. Sweaters and scarves and jackets. This is eight months straight now of cold weather. its just fucking bullshit at this point. getting very tired of this.
though the spring has been extremely exhilarating. Everyone looks so beautiful. filled with life. they call it spring fever. Everyone so happy and excited. The neighborhood is so full of life and bustling activity. Last night I just walk out the door down the steps, walk across the street to hit the local sandwich shop, “you want a juice” they ask, knowing me from coming in everyday, ‘yes please, carrot beet celery please. then across the street to buy a few potted azaleas for the planter just beneath the window of my bedroom. They're fifteen each – with New York being about five times more expensive than the rest of the civilized world, but we bargain and I get four for thirty. And I love that about living in this beautiful quaint little neighborhood. Then I mosie next door sipping my carrot juice and carrying a box that holds four blooming azaleas to our little neighborhood bakery, squeeze a few loaves before finding just the right seven grain loaf, bs with the owner a bit inquire at exactly what time the fresh loaves are baked – six am if you want the absolute freshest he tells me – and then I run across the street to buy some Spanish oil from the gourmet market across the street from the Koreans that own it. let me tell you something, New York is everything and then more than you dream it is. it is like living no where else. good and bad. The subway still completely sucks ass and if it not for my willingness to stay open minded and look for how interesting it is with all the freaks and crazies I would truly hate it.
Going out, dating, seeing each other, going steady... what is the right way to say it? isn't that funny...
Current spin: Nicolas Peyrac, toujours une route. His best of two disc set. A French acoustic singer songwriter.
5-19
For a few days my laptop which I carry everywhere as if one of my very limbs had been acting up. instead of going into hibernate when I would be traveling, it would just shut off. I would lose track of everything I was working on at the time. normally I never turn it off. Leave it running for weeks and months at a time. hit the road and it hibernates. Bring her back to life and I'm back up and running. But not lately. Frankly I think it was all the up and down the hills on that scooter in San fran, or just a abnormally shitty laptop because this is the third motherboard I've had on this baby in less than a year. anyway, two days ago its running very slowly, I control alt delete and notice that the cpu is running at 95% doing absolutely nothing. Uh oh. A few seconds later a get the dreaded blue screen. Uh oh. I reboot and nothing. Doesn’t power up. a light here or there but nothing. Doesn’t power up. nothing. Call tech support and it looks like the worst (not really the worst because honestly these things are essentially worthless boxes of plastic and metal save for the hard drive. The hard drive IS the machine itself. The hard drive is truly at this point one of our very limbs. The rest is just replaceable machinery). But still, prognosis being that the motherboard is bad again. fine. I'm out of the laptop for 48 hours. Wow. 48 hours without email Internet outlook or being able to write in any form. Like being lost in space with no contact with the real world... which of course is ludicrous but precisely how it feels. But I took it as a sign that I should get to work more on the television show and actually complete the project and depend less on the laptop, on the computer itself. And I did. I had a marvelous day yesterday knowing that I had no access to a computer. It was great. So I'm back up now and writing for the first time in two days. feels good though. [found a solution, besides of course always backing up to an external hard drive which I do everyday now anyway, two of them actually, because I'm fucking paranoid, but dell said I could get the same model and just keep it as a spare. Not use it, and if one laptop goes bad you just take out the hard drive and put it in the other one and you won't even notice the difference. Of course this is an expensive solution, but a worthy one I would think.
Francis came up from Miami for business here in the city and we spent some time together the last two nights. A tragic figure she has turned into. will pen something about her called the Francis Tragedy. She drinks way too much and still depends on anti-depressants. We got into a mild argument in a cab on the way to dinner and on our way home from dinner. But we have slept together of course, years and years ago, and so our fights are acceptable to us I suppose and just part of the brother sister dynamic that we’re lucky to have with our closest friends of the opposite sex. friends are not easy to keep long term. At least that's one belief. So we cherish it and take our heated exchanges in stride. I'm telling her I care about her and she should look into some kind of alternative means of exploring how she is these days rather than just traditional medicine and doctors and maybe venture off into Avatar or some other course to really create happiness for herself.... she starts yelling at me in this cab and I'm a little buzzed from a few glasses of sangria so I'm not really being affected by it too much. But then she attacks me further and says that my life is a mess but I don't see it because I live in a dream world... she says that I am an embellisher... you think I'm an embellsher? I respond in a very Seinfeld manner and it forces her to laugh... but she continues because she is drunk. you're so creative and fun loving but you’re not happy either Fishy. she tells me. you're all pretense... at first I argue. But then I am quiet.
I stare out the window. There is a message here. in fact, what more do I hate about myself than this. if there is anything wrong with me still after all these years of processing and exploring it is this. and I know it. there it was placed before me at my feet. Yes it is true I am thinking. I am full of pretense. So much so that I cannot even stand to hear myself speak sometimes. She was right. there is a lot of pretense there. and for some, pretense is a-o.k. yes. in fact in our celebrities both in music and Hollywood we accept the pretense. We love the pretense. So for all my life I just always thought it was part of it. part of who I was. of course I am full of pretense I am thinking. that's my job. Unfortunately that's just part of being me with what I do. but that didn't sit right with me for too long. maybe an hour or so and then I didn't feel satisfied with that answer. I knew it was bullshit. I knew I was bullshitting myself just as I bullshit myself and others about almost everything. and then I tell myself thatthat's just part of the job...
I couldn’t bare the thought. So this morning in the bath I resigned myself to it. asked myself what would be a good antidote to this new dilemma. After all, I don't really want to be full of pretense. But I am. I have kind of snuck into it. fell into it non-deliberately. me and all my pretense. How else am I supposed to be... I am lying in the tub thinking, still groggy and sleepy-eyed and half drunk from the night before. my God. what could I do about it? I mustered up the courage to voice what I would prefer. “I am free of pretense.” Wow. Could I do it? could I create that? could I blow out all the pretense? I will try.
The first thing that occurred to me as I was thinking on this was how will it benefit me? will freeing myself from pretense benefit me or my career in any way I think to myself. I contemplate it for a moment and then realize that that's half the problem right there. why not just do it just to be a better person? wow. What a novel idea. do something just to be a better person? without thought of how it will benefit me or my career? well, again, I will try. in any case, it was quite a wake up call. Later that night Francis apologizes to me profusely and blames the alcohol but I tell her to please stop. That she gave me a great gift.
Later, an online retail store refuses to stock our newest CD. I am destroyed by this news. just as I am always destroyed by all bad news regarding our music. and just as I am exhilarated by all good news about our music. I cannot even work. I go to the park and sit on a bench to sit and mope. As I'm sitting there, I begin to talk to myself. “you know, I know you're upset. I'm upset too.” a terrible habit I know, but I find myself doing it all the time. there's me and then there's me observing me and making notes of it and not really effected by it but just annoyed with it... so I continue. “Every year we release an album and every year we go through this. you're up when the news is good and you're down when the news is bad. And frankly I don't know if I want to deal with this anymore. We’re already working on a new album and you're going to be acting the same way everytime something goes wrong with this new CD just like you are now. and you’re going to keep on doing this every fucking year for the rest of your life. and again frankly I just don't know if I have it in me to put up with it. you're driving me fucking crazy. a critic compares your lyrics to Jim Morrison and you're emailing all of your friends and you're on top of the world. and now a month later an online store tells you that its just not his thing and you're going fucking mad and suicidal. Taking it so personally.... we have to create a new way of being if you are going to continue to do this for a living. You are going to have to rise up to a different way of being. This is too fucking depressing.”
So the question is this. can I do it? can I step away from the work enough that I don't take it personally. Man if I was selling carpet I wouldn’t give a shit. its just another no from some fucking store. Who cares. But because and this is just a hunch but because its something that I make personally I take it very personally. Each and every goddamn moment of it. but what's more important? doing the work? Or feeling good? well why choose? Why not continue to do the work and feel good about it. after all you aren't doing it for the others are you. you never have. you are and always have been doing it for yourself. If you were doing it for the success or for the others you would be rob Thomas or someone like that. you wouldn’t be trying to cram in middle eastern and Brasilian themes and three minute avant garde guitar feedback noise into the confines of a pop rock CD in these times if you were doing this for others. no. you are selfishly creating art to please yourself as you always have. and the fact that a few people like it and buy it is a cool thing. but its an aberration. Its not the norm and you should feel lucky, not victimized by the occasional rejection. Well, in that respect I am bullshitting myself because my experience of rejection as an artist is a constant not a rare occasion. But still, I find a strange and disturbing joy in that and still don't seem to mind enough to clean up my act and attempt to make a commercially viable piece of art. But on the other side of the token I still don't totally go for the guts and glory and make a completely whacked out work of total weirdness either. It is as if I am stuck between the two worlds as an artist. Afraid to be too whacked out and at the same time afraid to be too commercial. Fix that and I bet I'll be onto something really grand. In the mean time I suffer in a state of constant artistic mediocrity I am afraid.
Angels still popping up and showing feathers here and there. little signs.
Last screening; Melinda and Melinda. The new woody Alan film. the same old stories of lying and cheating lower-consciousness- human dribble that he has accepted for decades now as his calling card. Too bad. Because he is still an occasion a real wit. But the story is quite tired. Minimal character development and a group of young actors trying desperately to act like woody Alan in his old movies.
Also, the Abraham-Hicks DVD series workshop volume III. BRILLIANT. for those that don't yet know, Esther hicks channels a collection of passed-on beings from the other side, allows them to speak through her, or pretends to at least. But the teaching is quite marvelous. I love the message that she/they speak.
Also, sneaked into the Enron movie with a friend this evening. wicked bastards. What a fucking world. so many greedy fucking bastards still roaming the earth pretending to be human. Ken lay’s trial isn't even until 2006. so all these years he gets to walk around Scott-free when so many hundreds of thousands of people lost everything they owned because of him and a few other fuck-head bastards.
Current read: the diaries of Brian Eno. One year and swollen appendices, I believe it is called this. a heady intellectual treat about all things life art and music. into it. he makes a comment that all his life he attempted to keep a journal and never got past January 6th. but one year he committed and made it all through the year. just that one year. I smiled. I first started keeping a serious journal when I was 17. first year of college. and I've been doing it ever since. publicly since 2002. what a nut. I am afraid at times that may show a sincere lack of a life, that I have time enough to write everyday. But I am reminded of all that I have learned the last year, about men who have come before who had no problem doing it. mark twain would write up to 40 pages a day. Davinci kept journals for decades. Tom Robbins and Kurt Vonnegut and Stephen king are all pretty adept at and addicted to writing for hours and hours a day from what they say. for me I have come to understand that its just a very important therapy for me that I seem to really need. without it I would guess that I would already be quite insane by this point.
5-15
The only true religion of humankind now is humanism. Our true heroes will come in the form of non-religious people; people who honor cherish and respect the religions of humankind but who are committed to and guarantee that they do not belong to any of them... even our Jewish brothers and sisters whose allegiance to their own religion has seemed to come more from a survival of their race/people than from a purely religious or spiritual desire... even them... we are at a point where we need leaders and heroes in the form of non-religious people that can rise up and guarantee that no religious dogma or blind ideology will taint their point of views or better judgment.
As its been said before, if God has a problem with that, he will surely let us know; and we welcome him, and stand ready to listen. But until that time, since so much evil and mediocrity has stood before us and attempted to destroy us in times past in the name of God, we have no choice but to begin to demand that God plays no further part in the decisions that affect our lives.
And again it is not a matter of intolerance, but a matter of clear-mindedness. The most spiritual and holy people I have known in my short time here on earth have always been the ones who were free from the grip of any one religion; respected them all, but ascribed to none of them exclusively. I have always been fascinated by this. it is as if they held some secret key to enlightenment that most never grasped, myself included. The religious among us will rise up and preach about morality, that without religion there is no morality, but be forewarned that these are immoral people who are still being born and/or reared without an understanding of the inherent morality that is within each of us from conception. One need not religion in order to be moral any more than one needs money to have class or manners. these are the myths that help the rich and powerful disguised as religious to control the poor and vulnerable. Some of the smartest people I have ever known have been uneducated in the traditional sense, and some of the dumbest people I have ever had the amusing misfortune of becoming acquainted with have held high degrees the likes of which I will never be able to afford.
In the future the tables will be turned, and the wrongs righted, and we will look back on our age of religion as a long series of unnecessary evils that shed much blood and caused us much confusion as a people.
Quick notes: can we create/understand/know/discover the/a concept of a higher power without humanizing it? without personifying it? can we find courage strength and inspiration without religion? Without gods and goddesses?
For myself, I believe it maybe too late. at least spiritually. For what I believe to be true intellectually is still heavily conflicted with what the soul of the inner child within me wants to believe. The God concept is so ingrained in me from being raised so religiously from birth that I am afraid I will always equate a higher power, morality, strength, courage, inspiration with some kind of God concept, even if subconsciously, if not deliberately... but for future humans, there is hope that there is a chance that we can begin to teach strength of character, ethics, moral courage, and divine inspiration without the need for religious dogma or half-truth ideologies. The survival of our entire species now depends on this dream. Whereas in times past perhaps we felt our only chance of survival was by a dependence on a God, on prayer, on dogma, on ritual... but we have seen through the millennia the error of this thinking and we have lost enough of us. I think that we would all agree that we have lost enough of us, as they say, ‘in the name of God.’
If we are going to venture to do anything ‘in the name’ of anything from this point forward let us do it ‘in the name of humanity.’ If that is not just cause enough, then let it not be done.
Last screening: the preceding ramblings were brought to you by the latest ridley Scott film, the kingdom of heaven starring Orlando bloom, which dealt with the Christian/Muslim battle for Jerusalem, which Rome had originally stolen from the Jewish people. Good movie. Great action scenes. Well scripted and acted. Liam neeson seems only to play brief roles where he dies within the first ten minutes now. For an historic epic it was quite perfect. will help build the peace and understanding I believe.
5-14
GEMS music and film festival for two days.
The faster we move, the faster we ‘get there.’ if you are encountered with a decision that you need to make, deciding what to decide could be the hardest part, and cause some stress, but once you make the decision, then it just comes down to taking the action. The longer you wait to take the action the longer you remain stressed. Not easy sometimes, but the faster you take that action, the faster you get to the next place. and although it is challenging sometimes to honor our knowing and the decisions we must take from that knowing, there comes a settling into a higher place of peace from it. be rest assured.
Last screening: belle de jour. The French classic. Proves once again that the French are creative if not completely degenerate.
Languages of the World
With close to 7,000 languages in the world, the ones shown below are spoken by the most people.
(Native speakers only) - (their primary language)
Chinese Mandarin 874 million
Hindi 366 million
English 341 million
Spanish 323 million
Bengali 207 million
Portuguese 176 million
Russian 167 million
Japanese 125 million
German 100 million
Korean 78 million
French 77 million
Chinese, Wu 77 million
Javanese 75 million
Chinese. Yue 71 million
You see its tricky. I thought that I was spending all these years learning all of the most popular languages in the world so I could increase my communication with as many people as possible, and sure English and Spanish and even Portuguese pop up in the top ten, but you don't see Italian or French... so o.k. I'm not completely wasting my time. But still, the results are surprising, no? I mean, 874 million people speak Chinese? And then Hindi? Wow. that would be a Stretch. To learn those languages. One could do it. certainly. But it wouldn’t be a three month crash course that's for sure.
5-13
Listening to a little Robbie Williams, a guilty pleasure – I can hear Mohdie now, he would be laughing hysterically. But you know there's something I like about this light glitter-pop. For a second I sat and contemplated this new album we are working on and wondering if I should just go for making something real poppy and commercial.... perhaps if someone else was footing the bill... but at this time when so much of our own is being put into the creation of these great works of art, I quickly rethought the idle chatter and allowed it to leave my mind. When in the end if it isn't about making great art, whether poppy and commercial or grand and eccentric, then what is its purpose. And great art simply means doing what you love. Creating something that you will love and be proud of forever. my heart is not in poppy and commercial. Not now at least. In fact I think NIC fit that bill pretty well. I would like this next one to be more like a movie. Deep dark rich... hold on, is it a candy bar? Or a new album? But yes, something like that... simple at first, and yet complex underneath. This is what I am feeling now for it.
An unbelievable fickle season in New York. now it is cold again, like winter. Its 50 degrees again. and we’re in mid may. Goes back and forth every few days... Very strange weather we are having here. I'm fucking freezing all of a sudden.
What is love? Is it just need?
Last screening: ma vie en rose. Liked it. a seven year old boy thinks he's really a girl. Dresses up in girls clothes and wears makeup. Reminded me of me growing up. my family was so concerned. Drove my grandfather and father and step father crazy. I don't think they knew how to handle it. Went to therapists and everything. but it was just my sense of style. I never had any homosexual urges or anything like that. at least none that I would care to admit to. Always really liked girls, more than that even, loved them. too much probably. So there was never a problem there, (not that that would be a problem mind you, at least for me) but just really liked the female sense of style and fashion more than the male, which is getting better, but still not half as fun as what women are allowed to do with it... they have all the fun. sometimes when I am in the park I watch all the men walk by in their suits... so predictable, so the same, boring, conservative, unstylish, nothing new or exciting. no fancy hats or scarves or shoes. I am glad I do not have to dress like that. I would go fucking mad.
5-12
Speaking about when you're in a cell phone conversation and it gets cut off or someone never receives your email or your voicemail.... She tells me, “there's so many unfinished sentences out there in cyberspace from me to you... one of these days we’re going to be up there, out there, looking at them all... it’s a story in itself.” I will make this a song.
The divorce still rages in my apt/townhouse here on the very posh and quaint upper east side. The family above me constantly fighting screaming yelling throwing things slamming doors, all of them suffering. I try not to get involved but have a good friendship with all of them, especially the eight and twelve year old boys. They come over when they want to. just knock on the door. Manhattan is so funny like that. the square footage of this entire townhouse is about the size of the house I just sold in Miami. and yet here there are four families living here. each of the apts only about 400 to 800 sq ft. funny huh. Perspectives. Anyway, the boys come downstairs and let themselves in or knock till I let them in. ‘o.k. listen,’ I tell the younger brother, ‘if you knock and I don't answer and then you knock again and I don't answer, do you know what that means?’ ‘it means you're not home...’ ‘right. it means I'm not home.’ ‘but sometimes you are home and you still don't answer.’ ‘well yes. that's true. but if you knock and I don't answer, and you think I'm home, that means that I'm either sleeping, taking a shower, using the bathroom, or I'm hanging with a beautiful girl, right?’ he blushes. ‘and so in any of those cases, you just have to pretend I'm not home, you dig what I'm saying?’ ‘o.k.’ he answers and then rushes into the apt...
When I am home and I answer we have good times. we all sit around and play the guitar, or I write while the older one plays me his newest songs he's written while the younger one jumps up and down on my bed or the couch, a privilege he is probably not allowed at home. then we eat cereal till we’re stuffed and watch concert DVDs and I try to explain how the divorce will soon be over and everything will be fine.
Their divorce mirrors my own break up with Cleopatra, which unbelievably still lingers after over four years now. but luckily we are very much near the end now. I never should have allowed the things I did and know that now. hindsight is always 20/20 of course. once a Princess always a Princess I suppose I thought and so I thought it was my duty to kind of let the little Princess do whatever she wanted to, no matter how much it damaged me or compromised my life or her integrity. It took me a long time to understand that I was not serving either of us by just being unconditional. Harry palmer wrote somewhere that ‘you should never flow love to someone who is attacking you.’ it took me so long to get that. we just assume that being enlightened and spiritual means letting people walk all over you. but it doesn’t. One thing I do get out of this divorce the people upstairs are enduring is that it makes my situation with Cleopatra seem so much easier and less charged. Takes my attention off of it.
Sometimes late at night when she is tired Princess Little Tree cries because she is overwhelmed by a feeling of uncontrollable loneliness, as if she is all alone in the world and has no one. I cannot speak logic to her. she just needs to cry it out. I understand. Sometimes I am overcome by this feeling myself. It is easy to let yourself feel abandoned and betrayed by people when we have given our all and more and then they disappear or betray us in some way. it is never easy to handle this. it will always be a challenge I am sure. My dearest brother and compatriot Bas almost refuses to speak with me now till all the business between Cleo and I is worked out because he says it is easier for him. for me it is very sad, hurts a lot. I obsess on it at times and find it difficult to focus on work. I don't blame him but I blame him. so to speak. How do we know when to give our love? How do we know if something is going to last forever? if we are o.k. in giving our love and commitment and friendship and loyalty to another? Is it only for reciprocation? For mutual benefit? Or can we rise above that and just do it unconditionally? I guess that's where I am now... wondering if I man enough to do that... and move on.
I'll tell you, this is the year where Fishy grows into a man. After all these years, who would have known? at least he is seeing that manhood is upon him. whether or not he will rise to the occasion is another story. That is the question to the story isn't it?
It has been a perilous journey. I have lost a few battles the last three years. mainly with my higher self. feeling like a fighter who's got the wind knocked out of him sometimes. Waking up days or weeks or months later and trying to remember what happened... Made a few mistakes along the way. but I'm slowly rebuilding. Shaking old habits and rekindling old friendships.
May 11th
Realizing that I am slowly coming out of this creation I have about girls where I bond with them as friends and then get a little too close, the lines get blurred between friendship and lovers and once that happens its harder to get to a place of just pure appreciation for each other as friends, you know. its almost like profaning something that could be very sacred by overstepping your boundaries... G2 tells me that he falls in love ten times a day and so does just about every other guy, but that's just the justifier, the rational. I really wanted to explore that in myself and se what it was and try to get control of it and then see if wanted to continue to create it. an immature identity in me that just reacts out of a non deliberate need for attention from the opposite sex that is on automatic that I created from some childhood trauma probably. Prob some girl turned me down when I was like six on the playground or something and ever since then I've been trying to win that girl back in every girl I see. Something like that you figure... but that doesn’t really matter, the why almost never matters in getting control and then discreating creations that we don't prefer. (therapists/psychologists will argue with you on that one, but they are still thinking that creations take years to heal or cure because they spend all their time and their patients time looking for the why instead of just letting go of the creation itself.) anyway, slowly I am wrestling it to the ground and getting control of it so I can relate to girls like people and not just as ‘girls.’ That would be an unbelievable accomplishment. Something I've been working on lately and notice it is starting to take hold. I can’t say I'm there yet but at least I am starting to see it, watching the monkey as they call it. watching myself do it, appreciating it, and choosing not to do it.
[this reminded me of my school principle in tenth grade. I was attending a private Christian academy, my third of five high schools, my parents attempt at trying to find a way for me to somehow graduate... and this guy had me in his office every few days. and he was preaching to me about behaving myself saying ‘I'm forty five years old and I'm married with two kids.... don't you think I'm out there on the street thinking of being with all these girls all the time? but I don't. I use self control... I thought the guy was crazy for talking to a fourteen year old about that kind of stuff.couldn’t figure out why he was telling me all that. I just wanted out of his office. wonder whatever happened to that man...]
Someone commented the other day that they feel a constant sense of unease now that gw bush was re-elected in the United States, as if any minute something really bad was going to happen. I am afraid, and I will take one hundred percent responsibility for this, that I have been feeling the same way. someone at the studio is listening to the news right now and I cannot hear what they are saying but my whole body is tensed up right now, so afraid that it is some really bad news that we have been attacked or that he has attacked someone else like Iran or Korea or who knows who... what a weird time to be American. Better not to pay attention to the news at all these days. if the final days come, let them come as a surprise. Let me and my loved ones be well-fed and having sex when it happens.
5-10
I'm on the plane now. reflecting on the previous two weeks. I am still just so in awe of the Avatar materials. Even though I was not on this particular course but just staying at the hotel working during the day and hanging out with everyone at night, as soon as the course kicked in i noticed that I immediately started processing myself as if I were on the course. when day one started I noticed that as soon as I woke up I started on day one exercises as if I were there and so on. This trip was all about being able to spend quality time with Princess Little Tree in the evenings and getting out of the city and into a clean objective large space by day, a hotel room in frisco in this case, so I could focus work on going through the sixty hours of video footage we collected for the TV show in order to get to the editing stage. I just couldn’t do it in New York. couldn’t find the focus. So in frisco I set up an office and viewing suite right in the hotel and had no problem getting a lot of work done. More than normal I would say. Ps – bmg in London called our manager again. very cool. also great reviews still come in for NIC. And I noticed it get to #1,100 ranking on Amazon.com which was the highest I think it ever got (sales). I would like to see it get to number one. period. And I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. just got tons of good work done. kicked major ass in many arenas. Comforting to be in a relationship isn't it. any kind of a relationship... provides a sense of safety and security and stability and routine that can augment the rest of your life. now if I could just get by the pain fear and resistance I have of relationships breaking up, and how all of that goes away eventually and seems to become meaningless.... well that would be a good thing... because frankly its hard for me to enjoy relationships now because of this fear... just seems so temporary. Like why bother... barely listened to music and didn't watch anything for two weeks. just the TV show footage and wrote tons of great songs. My songwriting is kicking such ass right now. stellar. Completely enjoyable and satisfying for me as an artist. Scene in San Francisco part I and II, Thursday rain, and a new Indian sounding one.
Spent some time during everyday and night processing. Whatever was there that I didn't prefer, I processed. Cleaning house. clearing space. no holds barred. Becoming more and more expanded. More and more able to hold more space, do more, be more, integrate more. feel more, feel capable of more. the poet called. He is depressed lately, anxious, life isn't as much as he wants it to be. which is totally normal at 25 years old. He's seeing a therapist, traditional therapy. Stone ages stuff which is way beneath him. must find a way to relate to him the importance of not waiting but gaining the Avatar technology/tools now rather than later. I hate hearing him how do you say it... it would be like if someone didn't know that cars existed but you weren't allowed to tell them so everyday they complained about having to ride around on a bicycle... and you knew what they were going through because you too once had to ride around on a bicycle and didn't know cars existed... but now you know and so you're sporting around in a brand new M3 and your buddy doesn’t even know that beamers exist yet, but you can’t totally relate to them the benefits of the car. you can just mention the car now and then... but they just don't get it so they keep kicking their flat tires on their bicycle all the time and getting rained on and you feel sorry for them because you know it doesn’t have to be that way but they have to do it on their own. you can’t force someone to kick ass, you can try to motivate, but you can’t force them. you think of people who are overweight, who have drug problems, phobias, fears, mental or emotional problems, and ninety percent of them are totally unaware that the life that they are living, that the experiences that they are having, whether good or bad, are actually being created by themselves through their beliefs. we watch as most people, almost all people still, reach out to all corners of the earth OUTSIDE of themselves in order to try to find fixes for what ails them rather than going inside.
One of the new Avatars who was there learning the materials for the first time, this guy Mohamed (this name is actually spelled and pronounced Mohaamad’ in Arabic – in English we spell and pronounce it wrong – I never knew that...) wrote that he had always wanted to take the Jedi training, to become a Jedi, but of course that was impossible because that was just a movie, but now he feels like he has taken the Jedi training. Yes. exactly. that's what it feels like, on the course, and then off of the course in real life. man I totally forgot about that analogy, but its true. you see that film and it reminds you of Avatar. So to the Poet if you ever read this, don't wait, stop fucking around with middle-lane-common-man stuff now rather than later and go for the Jedi training. Go to the left lane, put the pedal to the metal and go for it. do the Jedi training. I tell all my friends this now.
As I was typing just a minute ago I had this hit that Humanity has now evolved to the point where it knows this. so we can’t say that humanity has not evolved to this understanding because it has. This last Avatar course in San fran was the largest Avatar course ever in America so far, the biggest one. every one gets bigger and bigger. I think it was about 180 new avatars. nuts. On my Avatar course there were three of us. that's some serious evolution. So its not that we aren't already there. we’re there but the majority of human consciousness is still being held back by the middle majority and by the lowest common denominator among us who just aren't there. o.k. so that's the reality check. That's where we are now. but the good news is that everyday human consciousness is evolving and expanding. Everyday now somewhere in the world there is an Avatar course going on or some other cool course – Sedona method, Tony Robbins, Abraham hicks, Dan Millman, Lauren Holmes, landmark forum, to name a few -- that expands consciousness beyond traditional old school ‘God does it’ ideas. people are going crazy to expand their current idea of what they can do and achieve ... that's what its like I guess. Its getting better all the time. absolutely no reason now why people need to struggle and learn the hard way by first going through old school traditional methodologies before they go for the real deal. Especially not guys as smart as the poet. Anyway, feeling much like Neo these days.
There is a sentence I read the other day which struck me so much that I had scribbled it down, “The principle dilemma of existence is what to believe; the philosophical abyss between the known and the unknown that confronts everyone.” I thought, what a fascinating concept, the idea that it is up to us what we believe, what we know... (first problem to overcome with many people when you first start speaking with them about consciousness and belief management is that at first without a lot of reflection they tell themselves that ‘beliefs’ are something that they aren't sure about, but that they just have faith in...unlike ‘things that they know’ and that ‘things that they ‘know’ are not beliefs at all but things that are ‘real and irrefutable.’
This is a terribly impeding belief, because then the person walks through life feeling conflicted between what they ‘know’ and what they ‘want to believe.’ One of the first steps to enlightenment is to recognize that everything you know is a belief and that its up to you whether you hold that belief or not. this is huge for most people, the difference between your common victim of circumstance and the Gods that we all are.
[just thought of the sept 11th attacks in America. Which is a really good example of this. up until that time we did not ‘believe’ that anything like that could happen on American soil. If you asked someone about the potential of something like that occurring here they would tell you that they felt safe and secure and that they were pretty sure that that could never happen. if you asked the government they would say that they ‘knew’ that we were safe from something like that ever occurring. But then it happened anyway. so then our beliefs changed. Now, what we ‘know’ has changed. Now we ‘know’ that something like that can happen. we ‘believe’ that something like that can happen. To ‘know’ and to ‘believe’...]
[o.k. quick cause I have to run, but just got this due to opening up a new browser window, had CNN as my opening page and they had an advertisement banner on there for Billy grahm. He is a preacher for the Christian religion. You look at the picture and you see the militant and severe and serious look on his face, a proud man and a man who firmly believes in himself and what he believes.... and you come to understand, subtly but instantly, ‘this is a man who is operating from a very stuck and strict set of beliefs, although he doesn’t know it. he is defined by what he tells himself that he believes, although he may claim that what he ‘believes’ he actually ‘knows.’ which is common among humans. So its not like he's unique or wrong in some way for this. almost everyone is this way. he will defend these beliefs till his death (in case you ever wondered what could possesses men to kill other men or chop off their heads when they are not directly being threatened – its beliefs). he will without a stutter claim that what he ‘knows’ are not ‘beliefs’ at all, but irrefutable facts. And he knows it and it has nothing to do with ‘beliefs.’ once a person tells you that they ‘believe’ this about themselves, I have noticed that it is very hard to have a conversation with them from that point on, because people that believe this about themselves do not normally believe that things that they ‘know’ can be changed, unlike beliefs, so therefore from that point forward it becomes almost impossible for them to ever change their mind about anything. They are then ‘stuck’ in a box of beliefs but do not know it, or should we say ‘do not believe it.’ consciousness is tricky.
O.k. lets break this one down just for the fun of it because I just saw it on the back of a car yesterday driving into the city. a little bumper sticker said ‘Jesus is lord.’ That's a whole belief system right there. but again don't try telling someone who is operating from that belief system that that's what it is, because they aren't going to believe you. to them that's something they know, not believe, even though its clearly just a set of beliefs that they either adopted or were indoctrinated with, not dissimilar from how people in the middle east believe that Allah is lord or that Jews think that God is lord and that Jesus is not, or that people in India think that Krishna is lord. You know, it all depends on who raised you and whatbelief system you were brought up with or fell into so to speak. But that's not the point. We aren't downing any of these belief systems. Hell, I share most of them most or some of the time myself. I love the idea of God and Jesus and Krishna and Allah. Good stuff. but I don't limit myself to just these beliefs because God knows if you study your history that any day now a new God might appear, a new belief about God a new idea of God or who he/she/it is... who knows. so in case a new God idea is created in the mind of man I don't want to be one of the stuck people standing around shouting that I don't believe in him/her/it. I'm ready for anything. We are a very creative people and its been some time since we created any new ideas of God, well that's not entirely true, in the new age community there is a pretty awesome belief going now in human consciousness about who/what God/goddess is... its just that the middle majority hasn’t caught onto it yet... so yeah, digging that new definition... and also open to any new ones.
Anyway lets break it down real quick and then I'm outta here. “Jesus is lord.” Would first imply that one believes that ‘Jesus is lord.’ Simple enough. But also, implies that the person believes that ‘there is a lord,’ that ‘man is ruled by a lord.’ You see? Tricky. You go up to someone from central Africa and say to them ‘Jesus is lord.’ And they are going to look at you like ‘so what?’ because there are so many accepted/assumed/indoctrinated beliefs inherent in this three-word saying. its quite fascinating and also a little scary because of the implications of what humans can do with it. again, go up to someone who has no idea what this means and say ‘Jesus is lord’ and it will mean nothing. But say it to someone who knows exactly what it means and who actually believes it and then listen to what they tell you. they can and maybe will go on and on and on about it. check out this recent conversation, the “beliefs” being in “quotes” to illustrate the point.
The African says: I'm sorry “I don't know what you mean by this.” I'm busy roasting this lion meat I just killed... do you want some? “Its delicious.”
no thanks. “I don't eat lion.”
O.k. so what do you mean by this? Jesus is lord?
“well Jesus is God”
what is God?
“he rules over us” “he loves us” “he controls everything” “he guides us” “he created everything” [lots of beliefs there. a whole belief cluster. Would have to take them out one by one.]
wow. I thought “it was just nature.”
No. “its God” “he does everything”
So what is Jesus?
“he was a man like you and I are but he was also God”
wow. So God is a man?
No. “God was a man” “But now God is in heaven.” But “Jesus was God on earth for a while.” “then he died” and “then he resurrected” and “now he is heaven too.” “with God.” “his father.”
Tricky stuff. thanks for sharing all of this. I'm going to eat some lion meat now. you sure you don't want some?
Three words and you open up a whole system of intricate beliefs all intermingled within one another. Try looking at a picture of Jesus next time you see one. not that there are any actual pictures of Jesus but I just saw one of those renderings of Jesus at the Chinese dycleaners I go to, thought to myself, ‘what the heck is that doing there?’ goes to show sometimes just a picture can trigger a whole belief system all on its own. a picture is worth a thousand words they say. What is meant is that a picture is worth a thousand beliefs all wrapped around that picture.
Now the weirdest part is that for a lot of people who are operating within a belief system like that its not enough to live through/within those beliefs themselves. They feel a very strong urge to get others to also hold those beliefs. the Christians along with the Muslims used to just kill and torture people to get others to believe what they believed. That was the easiest way to go about it. for thousands of years that's how they did it. but for the last few decades save for a few people here and there, they have changed methods a bit and started instead going out on these pilgrimages doing what they call ‘witnessing’ which is their way of saying ‘sharing our beliefs with others in hopes that they will believe what we believe.’ Much like what I'm doing here now actually when you think of it. because all I'm doing is typing a bunch of beliefs. no truer that I write there and no truer than anything else I might ever write in the future. Its all just beliefs.
[I remember for the last few weeks I have been reading Gary nulls newest book on health called ‘power aging’ which is a great read if you are into health and wellness and anti-aging theory etc... but again, in the bigger picture its just a huge collection of beliefs. “vitamin c does this” “n-acytel-cystein does that” etc... have to remember this so we never so caught up in belief systems that we can’t get out.]
current spin: groove armada, lovebox from 2002. LOVE this CD. I don't even know what you call this music. but dig it.
You know, I think you get to a point when you get so in the know/so rich/so there/so relaxed/so content with yourself/so at peace that you loosen up so much that you just don't care about the things that we do when we are ‘middleclass everyday joes’... I can see a time when no matter what we do or where we go it won't have the impact the charge the importance as things did when we were just kids struggling to pay the rent each month. Everything seemed so important... the achievement of all of these simple life things... but then it all seems to slip away... once you know that you can do all that stuff.... I'm watching it happen already. I used to care so much about “the house” and “the stuff” and now I am more content to have everything I own in storage and just travel as much as possible. You become content with just being you out in the world. without the need for a lot of the stuff that people think they need or need to do or have... most of all of that is so transient anyway... comes and goes. Only thing we have is the stuff we can keep with us, bones and blood and our ability to communicate with others. so for me the important now seem like keeping my mind and heart and body healthy and learning languages. And of course continuing to create, always trying to prove that I am here... that I was here...
At this point all I want to do is live in different places around the world. I don't have any desire to settle here, or anywhere really. And I have no desire to travel as most people do in those little one and two week jaunts where they never rise above ‘tourist’ anywhere. Not my thing at all. thank God I have the kind of career where I can do whatever I want to for the most part and make money from the inspiration I derive out of doing whatever I want to. and thank God that I never settled down and got married so never was restricted to being like everyone else and having to limit travel to the status of ‘a vacation.’ the only things I don't have in storage now are my clothes guitars and cds. doesn’t sound like much I know, but trust me its enough to fill up an entire apartment where you have to shimmy sideways around boxes to walk anywhere. Over a hundred boxes of clothes and cds and 27 guitars that I never play except for one now – the brilliant ‘68 Hofner flat top is my constant companion and inspiration. crazy. I thought I was just taking the basic essentials to New York with me.
so the thing is that once all this shit with Cleopatra is complete, once the TV show is edited and picked up and once the new album is recorded and in mixing I want to take off for a while. Put everything I own in storage – o.k. multi-dimensionalize here, maybe I can just sublet out my apt... better... cause in New York its fucking impossible to find a place, o.k. so that's the plan. Will head to France to immerse in order to fully integrate the French language. Really want to be recording there too. hate the idea of having to compromise my music when I'm now kicking such ass just to learn these languages but I don't want to give up speaking many languages fluently. That's a major primary of mine. I had created ‘I speak and understand many languages fluently.’ Lt asks me how many is that. and I tell her I'm not really sure. Maybe ten or eleven is good. but I'd hate to put a number to it. who knows in an entire lifetime how many you will want to learn... would like now to take a basic language/linguistic class to understand the origin of languages and the roots of all of them. I have a feeling that would be about the only place I could get this kind of a class, a college, but I hate how regimented they are. always telling you when you your class is and all that. I have always hated that and hate it still. I like to come and go when I please. but that's just me. so college of any kind is just not my thing. I'm a rambling man. Can’t be boxed in.
Anyway as far as the languages go I want to step it up a notch now. kick it into overdrive. I am extremely unimpressed with the progress I have been making. Especially with my retention which I think has been sucking lately with all the languages. Trying to do everything all at once is very challenging. Juggling the songwriting recording business promoting TV show journal writing language classes homework relationship family friends living etc all in one sixteen hour day is grueling at this point... [The Pimsleur language learning programs are the best by the way if you are wondering. There are a lot of them out there. but I found that the wealthiest and smartest road warriors all eventually go to the Pimsleur method. Expensive but worth it. when you say Pimsleur to someone who knows they will give you a double take because its like the Rolls Royce of language learning. I told someone recently that I scored the Pimsleur French I for a hundred and they couldn’t believe it. normally go for four hundred for each level. But I got it on eBay. I get everything on eBay at this point. Or Amazon. [and I don't even think its to save money. for me its about the convenience of just showing up at the office everyday and having everything you want show up there so you never have to go anywhere to buy anything.] In any case, load the thirty cds into your ipod (which you also get on eBay for about half the price) and then wherever you are you are pounding out a language. It takes this kind of dedication and commitment I realize now. its not easy. it sucks. I am on the subway mumbling French along to the ipod and everyone is looking at me like I am crazy. but you have to do it if you want to be a Neo because lets be honest here, we’re not to the point where we are “plugging in” yet, so were still stuck learning things the old fashioned way -- using our fucking memory. And that's just too bad.]
Again, ever since the integrity course I really do feel like neo from the matrix. Constantly processing, constantly learning, constantly upgrading, refining, and improving my system. it all comes down to how kick ass do you want to be. what kind of a life do you want to have. you can think about it or you can set out to do it.
Loving clay for the hair still. Sebastian makes it. with clay you can set your hair into place with your hands and it just stays like that for days. its fucking great stuff. you don't even have to shampoo for days, maybe even weeks. I'll let you know. sometimes it’s the simple things in life that make it worth living. For me right now its all about hair clay and clarins and l’occitane toiletries.
You know that part of a kiss at the very end when you make the smack sound. Well is a kiss a kiss if you never make the smack sound? I mean if you sit there holding your lips together for like five minutes but then you never make the smack sound, you never seal it off with that, you just separate lips, well is it a kiss then?
And what about making love. Often times a man may have an orgasm but the woman won't, I mean, I don't know this from personal experience of course but I've heard about it from others you know... but I was thinking, if the man cums and the woman doesn’t is that still making love? And if the woman does but the man doesn’t, is that still making love? And what happens if nether have an orgasm? What is it then? what if you stick it in for a while and then pull it out and neither of you come, what is that?
An amazing ride home from JFK. I arrive and my driver is late, stuck in traffic. So he calls to let me know and apologize and eventually I just decide to hop in a cab. I get in with this Indian guy with a turban and this moustache, the whole look. His name is Syid. I tell him I'm hungry and we need to go through a drivethru somewhere. Now remember that from jfk its all flat rate at 45, no more or less, so he doesn’t really have to stop for me. but he tells me that instead he will take me to a secret taxi driver stand. At first I'm like ‘what?’ but I agree. So we go through a few tunnels and security gates and we end up at this huge lot filled with taxis. Must have been a few hundred of them parked all around this building. And then he hustles me into this building and it’s a giant restaurant and restroom area. Where all these hundreds of taxi drivers are waiting in line to order their food and they have everything in here. any kind of food you can think of, all just for the taxi drivers. I had chicken briani because I was with an Indian driver. Then he gets me in the car and off we go and as if it couldn’t get any better he then stops at dunkin donuts to get some gas so I'm able to score a few double chocolates for the road. then he tells me ‘please, please sir sit in the front, its so much better there. and here I am driving in the front seat which is what I prefer, eating this lavish Indian feast, a few donuts and coffee on the side, and he's playing this great CD of Indian music by ravi shankar and zakir Hussein. What a ride. he went down side streets the whole way so we never sat in traffic once. And then to top it off even more he gives me the CD we were listening to as a gift. New York. gotta love it.
New York is unbelievably beautiful right now. just out of this world weather. you forget how many beautiful people live here. you can feel love everywhere in New York right now. just gorgeous. Spring. I will never live in a place that does not have a spring. One understands the need for winter now.
Last screening: to have and to have not. starring Bogart and Lauren Bacall. Good stuff. will try to see the rest of his films.
In the mailbag from Arabia from her current travels in India. Interesting stuff:
Greetings from Chennai, the sweltering city of South India. One would think that it would be comfortable to
have the ambient air temperature be identical to one’s body temperature, kind of like swimming in the womb
once again, but I guess back then, we got to romp around naked and suck our thumbs and sleep all day. It’s
just not the same anymore.
This place has always struck me as so sensual (or is it sensuous?!, let’s ask Professor Norman!). It accosts the
senses – smell, tastes, sound, sight. Ravi and I are using the decadence of film-less digital cameras to catch the
street scenes as we maneuver our way through traffic, riding in the back seat of mom and dad’s car. By day, the
city screams, car and scooter horns honk ceaselessly, the air a thick cloud of exhaust. By night, the lights of
temples and restaurants and stores illuminate the dark-skinned crowds and we sit tight in that back seat,
praying. “Look out!” we cry out, hoping Dad can see through the humidity-streaked windshield the invisible city
bus driving toward us in our lane with no headlights or reflectors.
Ravi and I landed at 2:20 am Thursday morning and by 6:00, we were on our way to my uncle’s for the kickoff
of cousin Ramki’s wedding to Ramya. They met for the first time six weeks ago - matched according to Hindu
caste, status, income, height-weight proportions, and astrological signs - and agreed to spend the rest of their
lives together. They’ve hardly seen each other in the interim; he didn’t want her to discover that he drank and
smoked, and surely she had her private habits as well. When he later found out that she has terrible vision and
wears contacts, he felt betrayed.
The first morning was just the groom’s family and a handful of priests, a rooftop gathering under a temporary
thatched structure that gave rest from the already-strong morning sun. From this roof, a good arm could toss a
hefty stone and reach the beach where the tsunami’s wave struck five months ago and snatched fisherman’s
homes and many lives. Lakshmi, who helps keep my uncle’s house clean and combs my grandmother’s hair
with a loving hand, and her mother, who did the same, lived in that fishing village on the Bay of Bengal’s edge
across the street from my uncle’s solid concrete house. Lakshmi’s dad is a fisherman who was safely at sea
when it hit. They lost their home and everything in it, but everyone was ok. “All my dresses…” she says,
“everything.”
But today the sea is clam and up on the rooftop, cousins and aunts and uncles and one beloved grandmother
(Paathi) all reunite. Paathi has already asked me a couple hundred times about when I’m getting married.
“Apparam, apparam,” I answer. “Later.” After the priests have Ramki repeat after them in Sanskrit for hours
(what could they possibly be saying, I think), after ghee has poured on the small fire that burns, after gifts have
been presented, and fruit blessed, and children and fertility prayed for, cooks displace the priests and it’s time
to eat. Eighteen separate dishes are ladeled out onto fresh green banana leaves, which we scoop up with our
fingers.
The real wedding begins the next morning, early the next morning and the groom’s house is chaos. I sit in the
main room, wrapped up in eighteen feet of green silk with gold thread trim, drinking the coffee with the creamy
water buffalo milk that I so love here. Around me, Ramki pulls freshly laundered underwear off the drying rack;
(aunt) Ambulu pulls a plastic comb through her long hair and then distractedly weaves it into a braid; and
Chandran chittappa (literally little father, my dad’s younger brother) does morning prayers at the puja corner,
where a large wooden wardrobe is filled with pictures of deities and burning oil lamps. The flower garlands from
yesterday hang on the cabinet’s door. I relieve his wife Santhi of cutting fresh jasmine garlands into eight-inch
lengths to give to the women so that she too can finish getting dressed. Oh the smell of fresh jasmine! There
is a rush to leave the door by 5 am, an auspicious time to begin new endeavors. Of course we don’t make it.
Although it’s only 5:10 when we leave, I wonder if anything that may go wrong in their lives could be traced
back to this very moment, when we were ten minutes late.
The rest of day is a blur of more priests, more Sanskrit incantations, this ritual where Ramki leads the bride by
the big toe of her henna’ed feet across the stage, that ritual where Ramki, then cousin Kala and I (as sister-in-
laws) each tie a knot in the symbolic string he has placed around her neck. They have now officially “tied the
knot,” so to speak, and at this moment in the days-long wedding, the deed is done. As the ceremony goes on
for hours, the bride in her nine-yard sari, and heavy gold jewelry, sits sweating next to Ramki as they go
through the motions. Neither of them seems to have a clue what they’re doing; they’re following instructions.
Ramki has never been a practicing Hindu and Ramya works at a call center answering our American 1-800 calls
until three in the morning five days a week. None of the three hundred guests pay much attention, visiting with
each other in the stifling room and roaming about, trying to find a breeze or an effective ceiling fan. Every time
I’m ready to complain about the heat, I just have to look up on stage, where they sit in front of a FIRE, for Lord
Ganesh’s sake, a smoky fire, dripping sweat. Ravi and I bring up water to Ramki and promise we’ll get him an
ice-cold Kingfisher lager as soon as possible.
The guests drift upstairs for another huge meal of rice, curries, sambar and rasam, pappadams and pooris,
chutneys and pickles. Down below, they’re still getting married.
After an afternoon siesta, I put on a fresh sari and we go to the reception. This meal is up to 24 dishes, and
cousins complain about the loud musical performance that features two saxophones doing south Indian musical
things that I didn’t know saxes could do, warbling and drawing out the reedy notes. Finally, a dj puts on Tamil
film music and then we are all dancing in a bouncing clump of sweaty bodies. I didn’t know we could get any
hotter, but here I am, my eyelids sweating. Being the sister-in-law, I have authority over Ramya, and I am called
upon by other cousins to use this power to drag her onto the dance floor, although she is begging me “Please,
Meera, nooooo.” I am torn, wanting her to feel comfortable and respect her wishes and wanting her also to
come join the circle, to feel welcome in this new family that she has just joined. Earlier, she sat on her father’s
lap and relinquished her family’s lineages for this legacy of the PR Mahadevan clan. There is no turning back.
Tonight, she will go to Ramki’s and sleep in the two twin beds of different heights that are pushed up against
each other in the house with his parents and grandmother. It is a new life.
Oh, shit, I meant this to be a short little update and now it’s two pages long. The abridged version: It’s hot and
I’m relaxing, now that the busy wedding is over. Oh, and it’s mango season.
Lots of love, Arabia
5-09
There is a man here they call the Bushman. He squats on the busy sidewalk near the wharf and hides behind these two big branches from a bush that he holds in his hands. You are innocently walking along minding your own business thinking you're walking by a bush, and all of a sudden he jumps out from behind the bushes and screams “aaagggghhhh!” at you. you freak out and jump three feet. And then he stands up and laughs and says ‘the bushman got you. you gots to pay the Bushman. And he passes you a can to put a dollar in. you do it because well, he did get you. and you enjoy watching him to do it to hundreds of people all day. and he makes a fortune doing this. fucking classic. Only in frisco. If this guy was doing this in New York, they’d either have him arrested or he’d be famous by now. have his own show on TV. And eventually a show on Broadway.
But we do see signs. I mean, that's real. There are signs. You see a pregnanat woman on the street and it makes you feel a certain way. and if you're open, receptive, clear, clean, you can gather certain data about what the universe is offering up for you. maybe. A big maybe. ... how do we discern between what are real signs or just our mind playing tricks on us? I mean, after all, we experience thousands of things every day. how the hell are we supposed to know what's to be gathered and what's to be tossed aside? o.k. I ask it as I type it but the answer comes to me before I finish typing. The truth is that its always going to be up to us how we perceive things... or whether we even take something in to perceive anything at all or just brush it off. Tony Robbins once said that everything is either an inspiration or a warning. Yes. a big yes. and you know, in the end, its up to us if we get inspired or warned or we just don't even notice at all.
Man have you ever noticed how brown Indian people are? they are almost black they're so brown. I wonder what causes that? research. What causes this skin pigmentation to be different in differnet groups of people... Indian women are beautiful. I love that thing on their forehead.
Also, why was generation x called generation x?
-----Original Message-----
From: jazz
Sent: Saturday, May 07, 2005 2:26 PM
To: fishy
Subject: Re: sartre
Relief!! Otherwise it would have been a long song. One of my favorite long songs is by arlo Guthrie. Alice’s restaurant. What’s yours? And then Melanie made a reference to it by singing about Alice’s restaurant serving an animal cracker pizza. I love all that sort of tomfoolery.
Jazz, You are tomfoolery personified.
I performed alices rest as a freshman in drama class....
Favorite long song you ask? Of all time, would have to be street hassle by Lou reed. If you like music as literature this is the one... either that or anything from the first three Bruce albums.... back streets or jungle land.... classics.
HEAR THE LATEST :: transcendence - somebody killed the DJ
:: transcendence - I wanna know ya
:: transcendence - caetano
Whenever we go to a new place, it seems big to us, hard to find our way around. After a few days, a new place seems very small once we get acclimated to it. perspective.
Still dealing with the impermanent nature of the present incarnation of my relationship with Princess Little Tree, or whatever you call it. going insane from it inside. Really just the only way to describe it. breaking into little pieces. Wrenching. But I have gotten an amazing story out of it. I call it ‘coming is going, happy is sad.’ I pour my experiences into it. all the emotion and the stories and the pain and the joy and the timelessness of it. and it helps dissipate some of the charge. Just writing it out everyday. See the signs Fishy. be a man. See the signs my brother. as the King constantly reminds me, ‘how does it feel? pay attention to how it feels...’
I stood at the edge of the window. We’re only on the fifth floor of the hotel. I opened the window and I looked down and imagined how I would get down if I had to... I thought about those people that jumped out of the burning buildings on September 11th. I imagined what it would be like right now here in this moment if this building was burning and we had to get out. I thought about what we would take with us. I was naked, standing there staring at the window. I suppose I would try to throw some clothes on I thought. Grab my laptop, maybe some colognes and vitamins and some clothes, you don't need any clothes man, just grab the laptop and get out of there.... but how? I guess we would have to tie some sheets together and try to shimmy down... but then what? what happens when we climb to the end of the sheets and we are still hanging hundreds of feet above the ground? I pictured it? what then? do we just drop to the ground? well... I guess that's why they jumped out of the windows... because if you are standing there and you are looking down to the ground... and behind you is this fire coming at you... I got chills thinking about it. you just jump. You hold hands and you jump to your death and you thank God for the life you lived on your way down and that's that. and you move on if you ever wake up again.
5-08
Tourists forever amaze me. let me take that back. when we are tourists, its funny. No, I take that back, because I would love to own that I sometimes am a tourist, you know, that whole belonging I'm one of us thing, but I'm totally misleading myself. The truth is I've never been like that. even when I was a forced-tourist as a child hanging with my parental units I was never into the tourist thing. I was always more interested in my thing rather than walking around staring at things and pretending that they were interesting because we were tourists.
People have time on their hands. They take vacations. They go places. They walk around a lot. they look at maps and they try to find the places on the maps so they can go there and see it and say they’ve been there. after they have looked at it they take pictures. They take lots of pictures. Then they go see something else. then they eat. then they buy stuff. then they go see more things. and then they say they are tired from all the sight-seeing and then they go back to their hotel and watch TV. I am always intrigued by people who get tired from their vacations.
people walking to the left, people walking to the right. lets go look at that. come here and look at this. hundreds of people walking here and there being tourists. People don't realize that other people just walked away from what they are now walking towards. Maybe they do and they don't care... They walk back and forth. To the right to the left. Here, there. let me get a picture. how insignificant it all is in the bigger view of it all.... much like ants in a little ant hill... random meanderings when viewed from a birds eye view. Someone builds a building and people stand in front of it and get their pictures taken in front of it, they take pictures of it, they stare at it and point at it. but its just a building. They do the same thing with boats and signs and animals and all sorts of things. I wonder what do they do with these pictures... look, there's a pointy building, there's a tower, there's a bridge. Here's a picture we took of the sunset, here's a picture we took of the dock. Here's a picture we took of some flowers.
Sometimes when I see tourists I get this knot in my stomach afraid that one day I will turn into someone like that. that one day my life will mean so little that I will become a tourist. That one day I will become a soft and mushy family man and not have anything better to do but go look at things that other people built or created. This is a deep fear. I pray it will never happen. but what if it does? Does that happen to everyone who has children? Lets take the kids to Disney world. I don't know if I should ever have kids because I don't think that I could ever find a desire to do that. I would rather send the maid or the nanny to do it with them... tell me about it over dinner when you get back honey...
I feel the same way about TV. I cannot imagine sitting in front of a TV talking about what we are watching as if it is important or relevant. But I fear that It may happen anyway. maybe it happens to everyone. Can you imagine? Is this all of our fates? To grow old and soft and silly and lose our edge? To not have a grand scheme or mission or noble goal? To have a favorite show instead? look Martha, its your favorite show... let me turn it up... where's that darn clicker?
5-07
Woke up and everything was a little... off... a little wonky... the clock still wouldn’t show me the correct time. this is the fourth day now. whenever I picked up the phone there was just static noise, sounded like a modem, or a snowy TV. Everyone on the street walked funny. Am I going mad? am I already mad and just don't know it. all I have is my songs. And the diaries.
05-06
ten years I was invested in their family, I thought they were family. You know how you reach a point where you really believe that people who are not necessarily from your immediate family, are now your family. A lot of times we get that way with our in-laws... but you know sometimes that doesn’t last forever. it comes and it goes. I was crying. I was shaken. I was in complete resist to the idea of it. of the idea of not staying best friends with everyone that you make best friends with... it has always been a hard thing for me to grasp... I just find it hard to understand that you can invest all this time in what you think is family but if it isn't family then it can all be a waste... blood is blood and that's what seems to count to most people. – even over and above best-freindness. This can wreck you if you are used to just being in the flow of that and never second guessing it. We struggled over this. tried to talk sense to me about it. I am not sure I really integrated it completely. We were hungry. We went to dinner. I appreciated it, let as much of it go as I could, but still found myself reeling in an underlying sadness from it.
sometimes when I get caught up in it I think to myself why bother bonding with anyone at all if at some point in the future we’re just going to lose that connection with them... is present moment worth future disappointment? The pain, the regret, the feeling of loss and betrayal, and worse of all, the great one, the dark one, the king of the blues himself, abandonment...
can we ever lose the attachment to outcome?
Current spin: Youssou n’dour: Egypt. Beautiful. less African sounding and more Arabic.
5-05
Messages come in from all sides. Messages came in the form of a teleconference from the UK, a releasing session using the Sedona method – the message was ‘let it go... is it o.k. for you to let that go?’ from the foul breath of craggy-toothed old seer on the docks at fishermans wharf – the message was ‘you are living the life of your dreams but its not coming from you forcing it, you can’t force it sweetheart,’ o.k. I hear you. but how?
Sitting on this bench by the bay in the early morning hours writing. sea lions, hundreds of them. huge creatures. All over the fucking place. G2 skypes me. talking over our computers wirelessly from five thousand miles away. this is tech as promised years ago. I swear to God I am sitting in the middle of nowhere by the San Francisco bay, my laptop running on batteries... and I am having a conversation with G2 in Santiago Chile over the Internet...
Have seemed to reach this point of realizing suddenly that I CAN let it all go.... not in a general way, doesn’t mean that we can all let it go, just for me, now, where I am, that... it’s a deep breath thing. feels something like I can let of the processing... of the analyzing, of the thinking and plotting and self development and improvement etc.... let go of the concern, of the hard working nagging yourself worrying... the worry free zone? More and more I have been saying this huh? That's a good thing. more and more I have been coming to this place of inner-peace. Believe it or not this is what inner peace tastes like for the ambassador. Imagine me without inner-peace. Now that's a scary thought.
I try not to look for signs anymore because signs can be misleading. The whole looking for signs bit is over-done.
Gay men look gay. not just in the way they walk or act or speak, because certainly that's all there, but their face, they have this look in their face. Its gotta be a genetic thing. just the way they are built in this lifetime.
Big stores versus small.
There comes a time when you get beyond all of it. we can see glimpses of it.
But in other news, allow me to note: I have a motor-scooter now. I ride all over this city when I need a break. Up and down these massive hills.
Current spin; there is this little cigar store on the corner of Jones and Jefferson by the wharf where I sit every morning in a rocking chair at dawn to have a smoke and a cappuccino and write. Every morning they play the same CD. frank Sinatra, the capital collection series. Awesome. some people claim the capital years were the best. some still lay claim to the Columbia years as his shining moment and many who were close to him think that his best work was on his own label, Reprise. Frankly, pardon the pun, I like his whole catalog. An old couple from England walks by and stops on the street to chat with me, comments pointing to the speakers, ‘they don't make ‘em like this anymore do they?’ ‘Nope. They sure don't.’
5-4-05
if you give someone from Iran the finger they will take no offense because they don't know what the hell you are doing. They don't know what it means. But if you give them the thumbs up sign, they will take great offense and you could wind up in a brawl because the thumbs up sign is like giving someone the finger. In Brasil it’s the same thing with giving someone the finger. It means nothing to them. But if you give someone there the a-o.k. sign they will take it to mean that you are calling them an asshole and get very mad. funny.
In England they call their cats pussies. In America we have a slightly different meaning for that word. Although there are similarities. But if you are an American in the UK you might be taken aback if someone asks you if you like pussies. And of course if they ask you for a fag you might be a little taken aback yet again. there is the story of my friend Azar who when she first came to America she worked for a Japanese company whose owner’s name was Kuninjara. Everyone called him koonie. But in Farsi, the language of Iran, koonie means “someone who gives ass.” it is a derogatory term for a gay man. This is funny. But true. So she was always asked to call her boss ‘koonie’ but of course she could never do it because it made her feel to uncomfortable. Imagine one of us moving to a foreign country and the boss asking us to call him fuckhead or asshole. It would be very funny.
The other night our cab driver who comes from Uzbekistan originally was telling us about how friendly America is to foreigners and how great that is. and that's a nice thing to hear certainly. But then he comments on how young America is. that its only two hundred years old... I tried not to take offense, as best I could. but as a human, as a humanist, I found it hard to hold my tongue. I did, because I was hungry. And just wanted to get to the restaurant... but still it was difficult. I thought about it over dinner. Human beings first started settling in the area we call America about ten thousand years ago. European settlers came over six hundred years ago and there were millions of people living here. they hadn't incorporated their country into any international record books of the time but for all intents and purposes they had a fully developing civilization blooming, albeit with different customs and traditions than what the Europeans considered appropriate for what should be deemed a “country.” so does this mean that if we oust a people from their country and start a new country there that we can then say that that new country started just then, in that moment? is America really only two hundred years old? I would say no. certainly not. we need to get the facts straight.
May 3rd, 2005
Five evenings I was able to dine with both Princess Little Tree and Juliet together the three of us. different little restaurants and cafes throughout San fran. I never thought it was possible. Such a very rewarding experience for me. just kind of chilling in between the two of them getting to know one another. soaking it all in at the most popular Chinese restaurant in San fran, house of nan-kang last night... take Little Tree’s shiny happy all-smiles confident innocence and zest for life and then at the same time at the other side of the table you have Juliet’s wide-eyed deep-natured intellectual analysis of all things big and small... “I wonder if my second child will be able to perceive the hieroglyphics that my first child imprinted on my womb when I was pregnant,” she asks us waving her arms around the table passionately. Little Tree keeps her eyes wide open and her smile becomes bigger and a tear comes to her eye as she looks at Juliet. I watch and listen to both of them, time stops for me, realizing there in that moment how lucky I am to have developed such deep friendships with both of them over the years. how good this life is I am living. How it is most likely that neither of them will ultimately become my wife or the mother of my children as I once imagined or pondered a few times for each of them through the years. but how that is alright. More than alright. It is perfect. again, how amazing it is that we have developed these friendships.
---------------------------------------
As we walked this evening the three of us arm in arm I smoked a cigar and we talked and laughed and skipped around the bright streets. we passed by this neon signing that said Thai massage. I remembered one...
The classmates.com thing really got me thinking. looking at all the familiar names in the directories. People I haven't even thought of for years and years. the thing about friends is that you can separate from them for some time and then get together again, and no I'm not thinking what you think I'm thinking, and then you're sitting there with them and you're thinking how the hell was I even friends with this person in the first place? not because you're judging them or anything but just because you understand how different you are from each other. but back in school we don't really think like that as much.
Another thing I realize about friends now that I'm in New York and things are so insane, the grind is so 24 hours a day now. for everyone. People work so much they don't make much time for friendship. I think we all dig our friendships but here the work gradient is so high, the pressure so intense to succeed... I mean I t has to be. the cost of living is so fucking high. In New York the minimum you're looking at here is prob four grand a month just to survive and that's a hellish way to live trust me. so for most people just making the shit happen is all they can handle. Friendship takes a back seat.
Check out what Tony Robbins eats. Inspiring stuff:
Tony’s Ideal Food Pyramid, which he lives every day and continues to share with thousands of people each year, creates a terrain that produces, nurtures, strengthens and reinforces strong cells on a continual basis. This model emphasizes water-rich foods, and explains how much of each category should be featured in your diet to position your body for peak daily performance.
Not sure where to begin? Here are a few menu suggestions to get you started on a path to better health:
Breakfast
Vegetable juice (blend of carrot, celery, parsley, and wheat grass juices)
Lunch
Warm spinach salad with falafel
Soft tortilla fish tacos (halibut, vegetables, guacamole, and tomato salsa)
Salad wrap in a pita with vegetables and hummus
Dinner
Curried tofu and vegetables (peppers, carrots, broccoli, onion, etc.)
Barbecued salmon with a vegetable skewer and mixed greens salad
Minestrone soup and spaghetti squash with a tomato-basil sauce
Snacks
Almonds
Hummus and vegetables
Taro, beet and sweet potato chips
Tony's Ideal Food Pyramid is just one of the tools that can help guide you to outstanding health. If you want to learn more about what it takes to live a more vibrant and healthy life, you may consider attending Tony’s Unleash the Power Within, which devotes an entire day to the Fundamentals of Living Health. Or better yet, we urge you to attend Life Mastery, a six-day program designed to revitalize and rejuvenate your mind, body and spirit.
Current spin: wilco, a ghost is born. Good stuff. top of their game. Its no secret that Jeff has been freaking out lately but his music is not suffering by it. cool guitar on here. they are reaching.
On the same note as the ‘tourists will think anything is interesting’ observation, notice that it’s the same thing with how humans have this inner need to speak.... people like to have opinions and they like to express them. even if they don't have an opinion they will create one. sitting around the TV over dinner and they hear the words (insert name of current hot babe flavor of the month here) and someone will say something. it is inevitable. Something like, ‘oh look at her hair.’ Someone else will say ‘It looks good doesn’t it?’ and someone else will say ‘I don't like it. I think it looked better before.’ and still someone else will say ‘I don't think she's that pretty.’ It is like clockwork. As you get older you begin to notice these patterns. ‘you don't think she's pretty? Oh I do.’ give people something to talk about and they will. and what they will say is rather predictable most of the time. as an experiment, next time you are with a group of guys, mention some hot babe flavor of the month like say Britney spears or pam Anderson and make a list before hand of what you think might be said in that conversation. One guy will make a comment about britney’s age, another guy will say something about her body, someone will say something about her lack of talent, someone will say something like ‘yeah but she's fucking hot. I'd do her.’ ‘you'd do anything.’ Someone else will say she's a slut and someone will say something like they don't think she's attractive. Its fucking clockwork. Replace pam Anderson with Britney and you will hear a similar conversation except the age thing will be replaced by a few comments about her breasts, Tommy lee, and that video they made. you will hear nothing new or unpredictable. It will be right from the book. For real fun, go into a group of guys and mention the words ‘monty python,’ stand back, and listen to what happens. look at your watch and wait. Within five minutes you will hear someone say something about that one movie they made and that scene with the fat guy and him wanting one more mint and him blowing up. why? I don't know yet. but its fucking clockwork. And mention potatoes to almost anyone and there's almost always a fifty-fifty chance that they’ll say something about the potato famine in Ireland. Just some random comment they’ll make. Its funny. Its sad. Its humanity.
May 2nd, 2005
Exploring beliefs this morning over breakfast. Juliet announcing that she feels as though she keeps taking off a bunch of winter coats – that's how the course feels to her. that's an amazing way to put it. that's what it feels like. Identities coming off. Old patterns and ideas and indoctrinated beliefs coming off. The body becoming lighter. The mind becoming calmer. Awareness starting to waken up again.
Is ‘2 plus 2 four?’ we discuss. Is it a belief? We agree. It’s a belief. But can it be changed like most beliefs can be? hhhmmm. Could we create if we want to ‘2 plus 2 is five?’ hhhmmm... I like blonds, I don't like brussel sprouts, I am prone to depression, I'm not good with money... these are all beliefs that can be changed pretty easily. But mathematical absolutes? Challenging indeed.
Somewhere a mathematical absolute takes form. But when? Does the universe need consciousness in order to create absolute beliefs? do absolute beliefs exist without consciousness? The old tree falls in the forest quandary... does any belief exist, does any reality exist, without something to create or observe it? and if there is nothing to observe something, does the something really exist at all? and if so, then what created it in the first place?> if consciousness, or perhaps awareness existing as consciousness, is the only thing that can create, then what creates when there is no evidence of consciousness existing?
-----------------------------------------------------
Quick. Recall the history of the universe timeline. According to modern scientific theory, the universe existed for billions of years before any measurable consciousness existed in it or outside of it. wrote about this a few months ago. Just don't have access to it in my memory and cannot log on the Internet right now to recall the specific details. But yes, the universe existed and things were happening long before any conscious life existed, such as the dinosaurs even, if one is apt to consider them capable of creating reality, and I for one, believing that they were conscious, am apt to believe this. but still they didn't come around for billions of years. and us, humans,,,, well we took hundreds of millions of years more to arrive... so what is going on here? who the hell was creating it? that is, if one is to believe that experiences, realities, can only be created by awareness or consciousness.... rather than just creating themselves into existence without consciousness... tricky. Can the big bang just happen on its own? can universal expansion of matter and energy just happen on its own without conscious awareness? Can minute life forms, single celled organisms just create themselves out of thin air without measurable consciousness?
One would have to answer yes. and yet, of course, one wants to answer no. that there has always been something that has been doing the creating... some kind of eternal universal awareness... doing the creating.... and yet... so chaotic, so random, so without order and purpose, one is inclined to think not... and yet, more, how did that initial awareness and then consciousness, if consciousness is indeed necessary for creation, come into being?
Life is a funny thing. that's the first thought. And yet. we aren't even speaking about life here. the universe existed for billions of years without what humankind currently labels “life.” think about that. billions of years of the universe existing without any life to speak of whatsoever. So again, can matter just create itself? Without awareness. Without consciousness. Without life?
In the ‘America the beautiful’ category this evening we offer the following from our friends at Nightline:
“April 27, 2005 In the early 1980s, there was no bigger story than the prosecution of Edwin Wilson. Wilson, a former CIA officer, was convicted of selling 20 tons of C-4 plastic explosives to Muammar Gadhaffi's Libya, then considered the leading terrorist state. Wilson, labeled a traitor, was sentenced to 52 years in federal prison. Several of the government attorneys involved in the case went on to become prominent in legal circles today. Is it possible that more than 20 years ago, those same U.S. government officials didn't come forward when they found out that key evidence used to convict him was likely false?”
Starting to see a pattern in American government. A long standing tradition that as the years wear on becomes less and less invisible to the world around us. we hear stories like this everyday, every week, when it comes to the governments of the world; its not just the American government. maybe something will be done about it, maybe not. it all depends on how important it appears to be to ‘the people.’ for the most part, ‘the people’ don't care about anything if they are properly fed and entertained. ‘Bread and puppets’ I believe is the term for this. Just murdered your brother, married your mother, and killed three thousand royal guards to take the throne and take over the country? no problem. throw a bunch of bread and cash out to the people and throw a big party. Tomorrow no one will remember your crimes. Edwin Wilson mentioned above seems to be suffering from this exact mechanism at work. The people are happy and therefore Edwin Wilson will most likely stay in prison for something that he may have had little to do with. The Iraq invasion by the American government is perhaps the most glowing example of this in our modern times. almost two hundred thousand Iraqi people now have been killed at the hands of America, but the American people are well fed and entertained, and much of the people from many of the world’s other countries are well-paid and entertained by us, so for the most part ‘the people’ do not care or pay attention to the plight of the Iraqi people. but for the sake of argument, what if the people did start to care? What then? what would happen? what could the people actually do?
5-1
Mayday. Mayday.
You will notice that when you clear out a bunch of junk in your consciousness and feel clearer that your communication with the outside world automatically increases. Since I let go last night I have been in slight awe at how all of a sudden so many more people are approaching me on the street, calling, or reaching out in some way. at first I was like ‘what the fuck is going on today? What do I have, some sign on my back that says ‘talk to me?’’ I am guessing that other people can feel when your space is clear or if its murky. When you're space is clear people feel drawn to you.
I am in awe at how much Avatar has evolved over the years. continues to feel clearer and easier. 250 people from all over the world flown in. Juliet is here and she is flying and so happy. Says to me yesterday, ‘wow. I'm not used to this kind of naked... everyone is so real. I feel so expanded...’
In the ‘we’re not stupid, we just pretend we are’ category CNN takes the cake with this headline:
VIDEO
Is pedophilia an illness or a crime?
Obviously to most people the answer would be “both.” pedophilia is obviously an illness and a crime. But when you are full of shit and trying to play the devils advocate in order to stir shit up so you can profit.... well we all get the message. Lets pretend that pedophilia is not an illness. Lets just pretend that people wake up one day and think to themselves, ‘you know after I get the oil changed today I think I'll go do some pedophilia... I know its illegal and all, but why the hell not. sounds fun. I'll risk it.’ obviously there's some kind of a glitch there. the key is to help those that have the glitch. Research it so we can try to avoid it in the future and attempt to treat it presently. God the poor souls. The desire an illness. The acting on it a crime.
Finished that tune called ‘a scene in San Francisco.’ Really good after all. high from it.
Current spin: Beck, guero. Beck is back to his old style. Super-creative stuff. not created on the guitar or the piano. Drum machine and sampler stuff. the risk with that is that you lose melody. And of course the risk with always creating on the guitar or piano is that you end up with just the same old melodies... so you have to bridge the two methods together. that's going to be the key.
4-30
Had a slight breakdown last evening which led to some huge realizations and then release about how much I base my happiness on achievement and success... rather than just letting myself be happy, or better, creating real happiness in each moment. took about an hour to get through it. still a little unwieldy from it. feeling into it. into this new way of thinking... could it be possible that one could be happy regardless of the level of achievement or success? interesting right? I had never even fathomed this concept before. they were always just so tied together for me. especially the last few years. really lived through it without ever even considering happiness as being a totally separate thing...
We are staying in a rather touristy area here. notice that when people are on vacation they look at everything as if it’s the most interesting thing they’ve ever seen in their lives. You see people staring up at a lamp post. ‘look honey, they say this lamp post was installed here in 1939... wow...’ I swear to God I just heard some guys saying how amazing it was to see all those semi-containers stacked up like that... fucking crazy how interested people are when they're on vacation. I've seen myself get like this before. but not very often. Only when I was really young. For the most part even when I'm vacationing I'm not interested in that kind of shit. people do the same thing when they are newly in love and out together. you’ll see new couples paying attention to the most insignificant things. again like ‘oh look honey, the maritime museum! Shall we go in?’ now of course you couldn’t care less about the maritime museum if you were on your own or hanging with a couple of friends. But you get in that whole couple thing and all of a sudden the most mundane things seem interesting. ‘How fascinating honey look at this! Says here this anchor was used by Joe blow back in 1898...’ yes. truly earth shattering. I think its just humans way of interacting with each other. gives them something to put their attention on so they can communicate with one another about something besides each other.
Great talk with the Poet this morning. The more I get to know him the more I like him. he's very honest and real. Even when he's telling you he thinks your most recent song sucks, its alright because you respect it. we will make some fucking amazing together.
PS -- It is officially official. There is no freakier place in the United States that I have ever experienced than San Francisco; except perhaps for Key West. But for sheer volume of freakiness, San fran takes the cake. And eats it too. transvestites walking up to you asking you for your leftovers and which parts you like better, male or female, and at every public garbage can there's some freaky looking person digging through it. you have to wait in a line of homeless people to throw your Starbucks cup away. I swear to God. its depressing as all hell. I have to admit coming from New York where you just don't see this kind of thing, its hard to fully enjoy yourself when every few seconds you're seeing some old guy digging food out of a garbage can. [o.k. I must confess I am not including the entire southern portion of our great land, especially not the South-east, better known as ‘the South’ I mean, you aint even seen freaky till you head into Alabama Louisiana Mississippi places like that. forget about it. deliverance anyone? Leave it at that.]
4-29
writing a few songs now. as always. Writing songs. Not finishing any. Or finishing them and never returning to them much after that. there's that whole, ‘o.k. fine I won't abandon you unfinished but I'm never coming back after this you know’ kind of thing with me and songs lately.... Maria full of grace was o.k. but still just so ME. tired of the ME sound. Tired of my way doing things. today got the glimpses of a new one, maybe about San Francisco, a scene in San Francisco, like that. but again I just keep setting the guitar down tired of hearing myself go to the same things....
the sun is setting. A mild wind. We walk to the beach. I scream ‘fuck. God. fuck’ a couple of times. ‘what?’ ‘nothing. Just have to get to the next place now with the songwriting. Have to get to a new me. feels a lot like ten years ago. When I had reached the end of regular tuning songwriting on the guitar. I just sat there and played with tuning pegs until when I strummed something cool came out. what I ended up with was an Open D9 it turns out. and the first song I wrote like that was ‘Bored.’ because that's exactly what I was feeling in that moment. from there came lots of variations of open Ds, and open G and open A, and open Em and from those spaces great songs were written. so I'm not worried too much. Just what's the word... impatient. I know something is coming. A whole new way of doing it. I'm just tired of listening to what I'm creating now while I wait. I could always move back to piano but again the piano is still strung the same as other pianos so you're still going to hit relatively the same notes and chords and still have that ‘western music’ sound to it. gotta be a way to go totally out.
a three doors down song comes on. I go to flip it. ‘hey I like that song. you don't?’ its not that I don't like it. I just hate shit when its so formulaic. I already know what's going to come next. ‘that's not formulaic?’ she says pointing to the new gwen stefani CD I want to put in. ‘well this may be formulaic too, but it’s just so damn creative, you never know what's coming next. really exciting stuff here....’
I'll tell you this Fishy. this is all going to come down to you. you're either going to do it or you're not.
Current spin: Gwen's new one, or is this her first one? either way, VERY pop and formulaic, screaming ‘we want a hit, we want a hit’ from the first note... Wins the award for the most contrived musical project since Cher’s last CD ‘do you believe’ that took five years, six songwriters and five producers etc... but you know, it’s just so fucking creative and catchy.... its like a musical smorgasbord... I get and learn a lot out of projects like this. you can’t help but admire it. rock or not rock... dig it.
Also, secret machine, nowhere again is a great song. (now to prove that I'm totally schizophrenic) you know sometimes music doesn’t have to break any molds or go off in some totally different direction. Sometimes it can just be so cool that its good just being normal. That's the way this song is. that's the way the strokes are. you hear them and you think you are hearing some long lost Lou reed or Iggy pop album and its great just like that.
4-28
Weird place. looks like Europe. the architecture is so unique. but its all men here. and they're weird. a lot of them come off like nasty little girls with chips on their shoulder – sarcastic and mean spirited. I have never experienced a stranger place in America. At the airport the first taxi driver we hired was so out of his mind and rude that we unloaded our stuff back out of his cab and got into another one. he was totally fucking psycho. Never seen anything like it. and then today some taxi driver cuts another one off and then our driver rushes up next to him and slams his car right next to him to start yelling at him, but the one who cut us off could see it coming so he just ran the red light to get away from him. we’re in the backseat thinking maybe we’ve woken up in an episode of punked or the twilight zone. Where is ashton?
Lot of bums here. or whatever the PC name for us is when we are operating through that identity. Its like they're on stand still. some of them. others are just crazy. but for some, you talk to them, and they're not crazy, they're just sad and disillusioned. I'm sitting on a bench out by the bay having a smoke and typing these very words and some come and sit next to me now and then. some lie down to sleep. Others sit and stare off into space, spotting the occasional cig butt on the ground and bend over to give it a light and a few puffs. Others take sips from some bottle wrapped in a brown bag that they have tucked into their coat or jacket. I remember those days. I spent a lot of time on the street when I was a kid. just sitting and hiding and waiting. I can relate to these men. Waiting for a life is what it seems like. Just sitting it out and waiting for something to happen. you spend a lot of time reading when you're in that state. Reading and thinking. the older I get the less I read. and the more I attempt not to think. I'm starting to believe that they're both pretty useless time wasters.
The bums are not happy. I can feel it around them. every time they moan or groan I want to give them a hug. Tell them I understand. What can I do though you know. when you're waiting, you're waiting... though usually its gradual things that pull us up. its not some BAM all of a sudden type of thing. usually a slow blooming of the spirit, slowly realizing that everything’s alright after all.
Current spin: Keane, hopes and fears. Love his voice. How magnificent.
Current spin: the Dead, a 36 minute dark star from ’77. unbelievable. The dead were like Beethoven or the Beatles. They pioneered this whole new musical form. Long form improvisational pop rock jazz funk space jams. What an amazing thing it is to listen to the grateful dead jam when they were on. Nothing like it.
4-27
In San Francisco. Lots of hills and homos. Such an expansive feeling place. a lot of bigness here. big hills and mountains and oceans and bays everywhere. of course like everything this causes me great anxiety. But I say nothing to the Princess. Just keep quiet and try to breathe. What can I even say or do or think about it myself, let alone to anyone else. not at home anywhere in the world. just always feel as if I'm not at home anywhere. I think that's why I'm traveling so much lately. Looking for something... wonder if I will ever feel at home anywhere in the world. or will I always feel as though I am a visitor, an estrangeiro...
Huntington hotel spa. Aromatherapy massages. Floating in space. Steam sauna Jacuzzi sitting by the pool drinking cucumber and lemon water, ginger tea, fruit plate with honey yogurt dressing, sliced avocado and olive oil. A little Italian bread please. later in the night the San Francisco symphony. Evening of Bach and Handel orchestral works. Water music of course. four glasses of pinot noir. Crazy cab drivers here. roller coasters. They're fucking insane. I don't spend a minute without dramamine in my body here. with all the hills and mad drivers. Chilly and windy man, someone once said the coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Steinbeck I am told. Later that night, an intoxicated early morning at a dennys for onion rings and a shake and a couple of sprites.
Tossing and turning all night. my mind going mad from the situation with Cleopatra and the most recent report that NIC dropped in the charts a bit. Instead of rising, it fell this week. I am fully aware during my entire night of sleep that I am slightly awake but trying to sleep. A most uncomfortable predicament. Every hour or so I lean up in bed to peer at the clock. I tell myself that I must get up to write but I need to see what time it is... I look at the digital clock on the nightstand next to me, but I cannot read it. it says something like XU:%#. Strange I think. I must wait for the real time to come back. then I can get up and start to write some of these mad thoughts out of me.... an hour later it seems and I lean up again to look at the clock. Again it reads something like UV:DD. I rub my eyes. no luck. It will never go back to real time. I am lost I think and lay back down to suffer in the crazy maddening thoughts.
How can I be in a conflict with Cleopatra? how do you go from mad passionate undying love and romance to so much conflict that you can barely speak and need attorneys between the two of you to communicate? How does this happen? what can I do but hold a space for reconciliation and continue to uphold what I believe in and at the same time continue to forgive?
Current spin: badly drawn boy, one plus one; don't hear it yet. interesting but no cigar. Benjamin Biolay. FINALLY. O.k. I found another great French artist. Not an easy thing to do actually. Don't know who he is. but its good stuff.
4-26
A raging battle with Cleopatra has ensued. The details of which are almost unfathomable. She is coming from a place of extreme desperation. It has taken everything for me to stay widened back and appreciative of our past and to continue to be kind and civil towards her. I'm not sure if I will ever really know for sure what happened to her. there was a time when we were very young that I never would have believed her capable of the way she is now. there was this innocent look to her, there still is, that one can easily mistake for being innocent; this sense of naiveté that is unique to her. I would take it to mean innocence and I would tell her, in intimate moments, ‘you are such an angel...’ and she would look up at me and respond ‘no I'm not. you don't know me.’ at first I was puzzled by this... always thinking that she just had low self esteem, you know how people are about compliments sometimes. But through the years little by little I would begin to see that there were indeed two very different sides to her. and she knew this. and she was warning me. always had warned me. but I didn't listen because I was just so damn happy to know her and be close to her. this is always a danger. Its like in the movie ... which one is it? the one with Pacino and deniro where deniro just walks away to save his ass... well I couldn’t do it with Cleo... I couldn’t walk away to save my ass because my ass never felt worth saving if I wasn't sharing it with someone else.
there was a side that was very kind hearted and gentle and loving for sure. And I learned a lot from her about that. she fostered that in me. helped me find it within myself really, and for that I will always be grateful to her, will always smile when I think of how that developed within me through her example. And yet this light side was always battling this other darker side that was very cold hearted uncaring and dare I say almost evil, just very unkind. Lonely, depressed, desperate, never satisfied. When you are around someone like that it is like stepping into cold water and it slowly heating up to a deadly boiling temperature... you notice but you don't notice enough to do anything about it. all you know is that one day you wake and its just too fucking hot to stay in the water anymore. If you're smart, and lucky, you can jump out. which is what I did.
One of the most puzzling things about being with Cleopatra was that we always had to have an enemy. In every moment someone was out to get us, she thought. even if things were going great, she was still upset about someone that we were supposed to dislike at that moment. it could be her mom, my mom, her brother, my brother, the yard man, the postman, the realtor, business people, non business people, just about anyone. If there was no one for us to be mad at, we would be mad at each other. i know it sounds crazy, looking back I cannot believe I was even in it, but this is just the way it was. she was always a victim of someone or something, and because I was her lover and partner, her father figure and savior and protector and main guy, therefore I was always involved in these conflicts as well. which was of course difficult as all hell for me because being the ambassador I hate being in conflict with anyone. If she caught me not being mad at someone that we were for whatever reason supposed to be mad at she would then get mad at me.
At some point Cleo must have gotten mad at me and stayed mad at me but not been able to express it or let it out or integrate it. this is what I am beginning to understand now. because we were so dependent on one another for life and the things of life, she stayed un-mad at me even though she was subconsciously or consciously-but-secretly mad at me. its just about the only explanation I can come up with for her behavior over the last few years. she will align with me in regards to some alleged disagreement or conflict we are supposed to be having with someone according to her and through this she will kind of butter me up and get me on her side so to speak... in that moment we will be almost friends... at least that's what I'm thinking the whole time. if she calls me from say north Africa and says I'm in trouble wire me five thousand dollars, I will just do it, just assuming that that's what we are to one another, ex lovers, ex-fiancés so soulmates-forever but now going our separate ways, to me at least, best friends... but what I continually fail to realize, or remember, is that at the same time all of this is happening, she is still also in a disagreement and conflict with me in her own mind, only I just don't know it... so I continually get surprised by her actions.. over the last four years since we've broken up I have experienced her incessant screaming, lying, stealing, cheating, embezzling, amazing webs of deceit as if out of a television show, manipulations, forgeries, frauds, you name it, all perpetrated by her for one reason or another and she always has a great reason and I have stood there on the sidelines ready to forgive and save the day, and catch her when she falls, and play along when she says there was a reason, and act like we’re still friends, and act like everything is o.k. if you ask me, its gotta be some complex I must have had from childhood. To allow it, thinking or believing that I was somehow still getting something out of the connection.... I just kept believing her I guess... and you know, I could have avoided most of this if I would have just bailed years ago.
I never thought I'd ever be one of ‘those people,’ you know the kind that have these great and wonderful love affairs and then a few years later get in these big fights with each other as if they were never so close.. that always seemed so hypocritical to me... never my scene. I've always maintained such good relations with my ex girls. but here we are. its like she isn't even the same person. granted she was always a little nuts. But now Cleopatra has gone off the deep end. How the fuck does it get to something like this. how the hell do you let someone get so far off and just keep not-doing anything about it? Fishy’s not sad anymore. Fishy spent years being sad. Fishy’ s not even mad anymore. Spent years being mad. now I'm just ... like “wow.” In awe. Sad that I have to take the actions that I have to take. Truly sad for that. for deep inside of me is still the same loyal guy who loves her cherishes her and wants to look out for her... but now, wow. Just have to continue to feel all that and honor it and thank God for it but at the same time just do what I have to do to balance things out a little bit.
As I've said before, one day I will write the whole story of Fishy and Cleopatra, because it was truly a beautiful love affair, and deserving of such an honor, but that time is not now.
Last screening: watched Spanglish on the airplane. Inspired by how normal and predictable and clichéd this movie was. enjoyable enough for plane fare. but McDonalds. And that's not a bad thing all the time. never turn down a quarter pounder baby. But you know... I'm thinking there has to be a bigger way, a better way, some way to make bigger art than this. that's the goal. That's why the matrix and lord of the rings movies blew up so much. Gotta get out of the norm and blast off into the stratosphere with the art man...
4-25
realizing more and more each day that this idea of happiness, the being there now, rather than later, is up to us, not some other external forces outside of ourselves. Really its just up to us.
quick now because its past 2am and I'm tired and have French class in the morning. O.k. lets say your goal is just to be happy. really happy. or say its to have money. loads of money. or to have true love. In a nutshell that sums it up for most of us humans here now. at this time in our evolution. Still, after all these thousands of years its still coming down to food shelter money love health and happiness, same old. Now youmay just being going through your day not even thinking about that stuff because your so fucking busy or you're telling yourself that you are, that you may never think about what you really want out of life.
every now and then it might occur to you. man I wish I had that boat. Or man I wish I had true love. Or man I wish I could live the life I've always wanted to... and then immediately after that is when you are gong to find the thoughts that are creating the life that you are currently living, rather than the one that you really want in your heart of hearts. Its in that moment, the after thoughts, that you have to pay attention to. and that's not easy because those are the thoughts that we take the most seriously. those are the thoughts that are being created by the beliefs that we hold that are creating the life we are currently living.
What I've started to do now is just live like a fucking machine. As if I'm neo from the matrix. Constantly reprogramming myself. Mainly using Avatar or Tony Robbins or Sedona method techniques. Twenty four hours a day. you see, if loads of money is what you want. And who doesn’t. then you have to have that as your mantra. That has to be with you all day. some people aren't even there yet. they're just trying to create ‘I have enough money’. and that's cool. that's where they're at in their thinking. in their beliefs.
But you make this whatever it is for you your mantra. And its with you all day. you repeat it constantly. You are reprogramming your thinking. its really that simple. Every time you say watch what pops up in your mind. Observe lovingly the thoughts that pop up right afterwards. Those are the beliefs that are on auto-pilot in your thinking. and those are what you have to get rid of in order to create what you really want. Because of the confidential nature of all three of the methods that I just spoke about above, I can’t say what to do from here to let go of or discreate these beliefs that you have that you don't want to have. but all three of these techniques are available by just taking these courses.
I'm not a teacher anyway. I'm just talking for myself here. what I've found for me though is that if I grab at those thoughts that pop in that are opposite of what I want, like say I feel bad that our new CD is not charting at number one yet and I start thinking thoughts like oh woe is me I guess people just don't like this new CD of ours. I guess we’ll just have to try it again with the next album... normally the tendency is to take that thought seriously... give into it. but the key is not to give into it but instead to grab at it and whip it till its gone. Till its out of your consciousness completely. Don't resist that thought. Because then it just sticks around. you have to grab it and accept it as your thought and acknowledge that you are thinking it and creating through it but instead of keeping it you fucking let it go. you say goodbye to it. use whatever method works best for you. but don't give into it. I'll tell you this much, whoever you are, you do need a technique. So for me I will share that either of three that I mentioned above work the best from what I've found so far for discreating of or letting go of beliefs that don't serve us. all three are great. So I highly recommend taking the courses to get the data and the techniques down. You have to start somewhere. You don't start driving a car without learning how to drive a car, right? you don't become a great guitar player by not learning how to play the guitar. You have to learn how to create and how to discreate....
This is working unbelievably for me the last few weeks. I am feeling like a new person. everyday more email more letters more calls more abundance coming in. more confidence. More happiness. More smiling. More skipping happy go lucky down the streets of the great city that never sleeps. The thing is that I never stop now. I am constantly focused on what I want. During the day. at night as I am falling asleep. And as soon as I wake up I am thinking about it and focusing on it and doing things about it. a careful balance between doing exercises and using techniques to restructure my consciousness and taking deliberate action in the moment to make something happen. again, its like a martial arts movie I'm living.
Another thing I notice is working really well is that if I think of something that I want, if I notice it in my heart, I ask myself well what does that look like? What does that mean to me? so I grab a pen and I start writing or I just start typing whatever comes to my mind. I just let go in the moment and flow with it. write down whatever that looks like to me. that way its right there on paper right in your face. That's what you want. So now you know. its clear to your subconscious and conscious mind.
Current spin: Bright eyes, digital ash in a digital urn. Don't get it yet. I know this wasn't the one to buy if you were looking to get Conor. But it read like the closest thing I would dig. Sounds like someone with free studio time goofing off with songs they didn't want to put on their “real” album. Which from what we've been told is what it is. but not so worth the listen the first time around. but I'm going to give it another go because the artwork is really cool. I might buy his earlier stuff. God there is just so much shitty music coming out of American these days that its just really fucking depressing.
Last screening: to have and to have not. starring Humphrey Bogart and Lauren bacall. At first I wasn't getting it. so scripted and tongue and cheek. But after a while it gets under your skin.
Current spin: MUSE, absolution. GODS! Take everything that Jeff Buckley hinted that he might have been and Thom yorke was and its all wrapped nicely here in this tight little three piece out of the UK called MUSE. Great album if you like queen or really good brit-pop.
Current spin: 50 cent. Massacre. Like it, because I dig the way that he flows. I just love his style. But its all guns and killing and drugs and money and hos and bitches. Very low-consciousness, primitive ape shit unfortunately. Which is too bad because he obviously has a big flu on the kids. Maybe as he grows he will grow up as well. music wise it offers that same orchestral pop meets hop vibe that his last two did. and he even sings a bit on it.
Princess Little Tree and I are very open with one another. Always exploring and recreating the way that the relationship unfolds. Never been in anything like this before. no negatives. Even with the negatives we always attend to them in a very loving and open and honest manner. it is as if we are accepting of our friendship/relationship, there in the moment of it, admiring it, in awe of it, honoring it, and just feeling blessed by it without the need to nail it down or demand of it with our own expectations. She more than I still. always teaching me. guiding me to be less expecting and demanding and to be more in the flow of life. She is so Avatar that she constantly inspires me to expand and to stay dedicated to remembering who we are as creative beings. That we are truly creating it all. each moment of our lives. She is just so there. in that state of being. I can’t really go off on some tangent or normal-human this is the way it is drama because in her presence I am unable to; it just seems silly, her very presence reminds me that we are above it, that we are beyond it. it is very refreshing. I am still very much the disciple. Learning. Constantly learning. She is just so there already. so confident in us being the creators and capable of creating and feeling however we want to. just so inspiring.
Current spin: the 22-20s. fucking great man. Don't know much about them. but awesome. astralwerks has all the cool bands right now.
Last screening: the horseman on the roof. French film starring Juliet binoche with some rather large naked breasts in one scene. A small epic. Singular in its plot. a simple love story. But a good film.
Date?
Earlier tonight I found myself with the hiccups. Someone told me to place my two forefingers close together, pointed at one another but don't touch them. just focus on putting them as close together as possible without touching. Within ten seconds my hiccups stopped. Just like that. fucking totally amazing. has to be some ancient Chinese thing... fascinating though.
I'm coming around. little by little , the boy is coming around. I have noticed an increase interest and willingness to sit in public places to write or talk or relax. I noticed this tonight. normally I spend all of my time holed up in the studio or the office working or the apartment studying or sleeping. So this is good progress.
Also noticing that I'm going more with the flow. Like if I'm going nuts during the day I will run to the gym and do a workout. Rather than wait for the “right or scheduled time” to go. I'll just jump and run over there and pump for a while to clear the mind and let off some steam. Its almost a sense of something like “its o.k. like its more than o.k. its fucking great. Life is great. I'm living the life of my dreams.” something like this is what it is starting to feel like.
Like the song says, I really am softening, letting go. more willing to relax into the moments without always being on edge about doing doing doing. Its good to do do do. but its also good to be be be.
Current spin: sigus ross, Von. An unreleased early one. easy to see why it was never released. It is really bad. Just them starting out, that's all. And I am a huge fan. they are one of my fav bands of all time. but may I never hear this horrible CD again.
Date?
We are getting older. Looking at pictures of friends that they send through email. noticing that they are getting older. Wow. Getting older. This really is going to fly by in a heartbeat isn't it. how fucking sad. Don't think about it.
I have realized that in order to accomplish these goals, really accomplish them rather than have them drag out month after month I have had to work on these things and these things only. Have come to terms with how one accomplishes big goals, rather than the slow grind to achieving a few small goals in ones lifetime, which is the normal way for most people. but in order to really go after huge goals and lots of them on a consistent basis one must find within oneself constant dedication and direction and discipline and commitment. Has to just be a hundred and ten percent.
Current spin: Gomez, split the difference. O.k. I get it. but again its not where I'm at. has to be more than this to rock/pop. Have to set the record straight and go all the way out there. there is a lot more that can be done. A lot more to it. we are only touching the tip of the iceberg.
Dear Stallion
I'm just really taking my time with it to try to really nail down the feeling of it, our dynamic how strange it is, or better put, my strangeness in regards to us/you... but in a beautiful artistic song kind of way, rather than merely writing about it. working off of your name, Thursday and Rain, as metaphors for a girl/relationship...
I am really taking my time with songs now... instead of plowing through them... I may do many many drafts of the same song over a period of weeks or months...
Just now I wrote more for the song, I just take notes about the feelings, pages and pages, play with words, things like that... and then eventually I just keep singing till the actual lyrics flow out from the various words and sentences off the various pages ... the way they are meant to. this is a new way for me to write. I may take a whole notebook to write one song. what divinity. What freedom. What creative expression this style affords. With the below I may only use a sentence or two from the whole thing in the final version of the song. that's the beauty of this new style.
It used to rain on Thursday
Thursday came and so it rained
In a black dress
A seamless pounding rain upon me
Smoking cigarettes and making fun of me
Teasing me with tears of laughter
I laughed as well and hoped that it would never stop
Her making love to me on Thursday
And so it rained
But now I thirst for Thursday
It hasn’t rained in many years
I am dry without her
I shed no tear for Thursday
But pray for rain each day
It rained in the subway once I saw her
When Thursday came
Appeared out of nowhere
Pouring down on everyone
But no one said a word for Thursday
She teased me
and I gloried in that moment
Closed my eyes and smiled wide
Leaned my head back and laughed inside
and prayed that she would never leave
But Thursday came and went
The first and last rain of the year
I shed a tear for Thursdays rain
And hope that I will see her again
You could go on and on and really you're just sowing seeds. Just throwing them down into the soil hoping something brilliant will one day sprout; to use as fodder for song. so you can take your attention off of it completely. Its not like the intention is to write poetry. Because that's not the intention. I'm no poet that's for sure. I'm too lazy and ADD to be a poet. You're just letting it out without thought to use eventually. Almost like going shopping for clothes. You buy a bunch of clothes whenever you are in the mood that you like without attention to what will go with what. and after a few years you have this big beautiful wardrobe to choose from each day. like that. songwriting should be like that. free. Easy. expressive. Without attention. I used to be very focused and demanding of it. trying to get them done as fast as I could. at least for me now its not that way anymore. in two years I will surely be extolling the virtues of an entirely different style. And again, that's the way it should be.
Current spin: serge gainsbourg, L’etonnant. This is an early serge album from 1961. very good. classic early sixties French fire-side pop music. more like it. had to be something to all the hype around this guy. good music.
4-21
I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my life today. a few days ago I had a conversation in the early morning hours with this lady out in Sedona who channels... it is said. I had been told by her that I had six angels with me at all times. she said that everyone has at least one, that she has three, and that I was very lucky because six was the most that a person could have. now of course because I do not necessarily believe in angels, but would love to, I was skeptical, found it amusing, but nonetheless was certainly happy to hear it. I asked her several times if she really believed this angels stuff... she assured me that they are real. I also asked her if angels share us or if each of us in her belief has our own private angels... at first she was a little taken aback by my questions. She paused for a moment and then replied that each of us has our own private angels all to ourselves. I asked her ‘well don't they have anything better to do? I mean, don't they have lives of their own? she said that for those that choose that, that is their lifes work in that incarnation. They are happy to hang around us, watch over us, guide us, etc... interesting. she said I could communicate with them. that I could ask to connect more with them. they will never do anything that will hurt you. they will never come into your life if they think it will affect you negatively, she tells me. she told me that when you find feathers that that is a sign of the angels being around you. perhaps telling you something.
Each night I go to sleep and I speak to them. as I am lying there in the dark I speak out loud to them. ‘hi you guys. its me. Fishy. I know you're there. I've been told you are at least. Although I could be talking to myself. Which is fine. Anyway, I know there are six of you. at least this is what I'm told.’ I stare into the darkness. Any minute expecting to see something. ‘so I'm asking you to come into my life more. I want to see you. I want you to know that I want to connect with you more. I want to know you. I want to see you. indeed if there is anyone in the world who is ready to see you and to know you it is certainly me. I am not afraid. I'm not saying I need lightening and thunder bolts and all that. in fact, I would rather you guys leave that for someone else really. Just show up. here. now. in my apartment. That would be fine. I am happy to know that you are there. please feel free to contact me in anyway you can...’ and every night I have been having this little conversation with them. very happy as I fall asleep. Almost giddy from the experience. For whatever reason.
Today I was in the Hermes store on Madison avenue smelling the new Hermessence line of colognes and admiring some new Hermes scarf designs. Nothing I like more than smells. Except maybe a beautiful girl in an Hermes scarf. To those that know me personally I am berated for my over the top cologne collection. At last count it stood at a few over eighty. I think they call that OCD. Obsessive compulsive disorder. But one could have worse disorders than that I would think. I may be crazy, but at least I always smell good. anyway, a very pleasurable experience indeed.
Afterwards, I walked by the Christ church on park avenue, built in 1913. for some reason I decided to go in and sit a while. strange I thought, almost second guessing myself. I'm not even a believer. I thought. But it will be nice, came the thought. I will go in and sit for a while and connect with the God force. Something compelled me to go in. I sat there for a while. eyes open. eyes closed. Talked to God. talked to the angels. Pretty soon I felt the most amazing energy all around me. it snuck up on me. one minute I was only aware of myself and the strange fact that I was in this church, wondering why I was in the church in the first place. and in the next minute I had my head back and my eyes closed and I was just in ecstasy. Feeling the most profound sense of love and peace and comfort I had ever felt.
When I opened my eyes minutes later I noticed that there was this tiny feather sitting on the seat next to me. one of those tiny little fuzzy feathers. Maybe an inch or two long. brand new. Just sitting there. I stared at it and looked up at the cathedral ceiling and smiled.
I took this to be from the angels and of the God force. It was quite magnificent. A few hours later I walked into the men's room at the studio and I swear to God I walked up to a urinal and laying right there below the urinal was this tiny little white feather about an inch or two long. just sitting there by itself. Waiting for me. how did it get in the building? Took it as a sign. Looked up and cracked a smile and a nod. So there are angels after all. either that or there are some invisible birds following me around here in the men's room.
Current spin: David Byrne, grown backwards. His new one. LOVE IT. such art. My my. I'm sure it will be entirely ignored except by die-hards. It’s just that good. so fucking experimental it is making me drool sometimes... in general his voice gets on my nerves a bit after a half hour. but so does my own. so does almost anyone's. that's why Beatles or eagles or Fleetwood mac records are so good. changes it up here and there. not just one singer. this is a great CD if you are looking for something different and creative. Like all his releases. The man just has it.
4-20
all of a sudden it is staying light outside much longer. You can sit in the park till 8pm and still see some specs of sunlight in the city. it’s very nice. they call this an Indian summer. where right in the middle of winter or spring it gets hot for a few days. what a relief it is for everyone.
Current spin: yellowcard. Thought I'd try. You know. Good kid music is what you'd call it I guess. pop punk is what they are calling it these days. punk without balls. Catchy grungy guitar pop without that sense of rock-godness. You hear the talent – the instrument talent, well practiced is a good way to put it. But its weird how music is now. the sound fitting in with what's in is more important than the validity of the actual artist. Its not ‘artist oriented’ as much anymore. It’s a game of churn and burn. Artists like John mayor or lenny –jet and keane and coldplay are all great -- are still getting in every now and then but its more like they're slipping through the cracks rather than the norm. Nothing inspiring here for me on this cd. Not like the strokes last one which I just listened to again today and just love. That CD kicks ass. I think Julian is really good. and I think he's going to keep getting better. If the suits let him keep at it.
4-19
on the subway. Still seeing the judgments come in sometimes. In the movie they call my thoughts. Judgments of other beings coming and going. where is the knower who knows all and judges not? how long must I wait to become him?
current spin: on Amazon.com for the last two hours doing research. Everyday this week. hours and hours and hours. I purchased 19 cds. got all the new releases coming out that I felt that I could at least get through even once... but most of them I just listened to.... funeral, doves, shins, Decembrists, Kaiser chiefs, Louis the 14th, all the bands that are the next big thing for the most part are just the same old thing with a different singer.... honestly just didn't feel the need to purchase any of it. wanted to want to but just didn't want to... same old 4/4 rock and pop. Nothing new... I read so many incredible reviews and album descriptions only to listen and quickly learn that there wasn't anything new there.... but I did purchase some way out stuff, mouse on mars, boards of Canada, squarepusher, drum and bass, atmospheric, avant garde instrumental, a new sigur ross re-release. Bought the new Gwen CD because it sounds like the production is off the charts. And of course a few of the newest hip-hop cds because that's where all the creativity is these days.
I think that puts the total this month at 50. no, maybe not, hold on, I will check... stand by.... o.k. I'm back. I just counted.... 91 cds from Amazon.com since January I purchased. That's nuts. And that doesn’t include bmg, Columbia house, virgin and tower stores, the occasional bestbuy splurges, and CD collections from eBay (this is my own little secret weapon: go on eBay and type in “CD collection” and just buy other peoples whole collections from them. There will be a lot you have in your collection, but those you can quickly sell on Amazon at a good used price, but whatever you don’t have may be something really cool you’ve never heard of. Good way to get turned on to things...) I'm probably buying a few hundred cds a month at this point trying to find anything in music is totally off the charts...
A few nights ago, before the sunrise, I was on Amazon researching African music spawned by a recent discovery of that Moroccan CD and I purchased a big supply of African cds – about twenty of them. Salif keita, youssou ndour, king sunny ade, ladysmith, Ali farka, etc... and just about anything anyone recommended.... also anything I didn't have of the David byrne catalogue because he is so cool. Very inspirational he is. He is... exploring, adventurous, Totally out there, willing to try anything, no matter how crazy it might sound in the end. not always on, but who is?
now I am listening to something called a world out of time, Henry Kaiser and David lindley in Madagascar. More documentary than pure music. did you know that Madagascar is an island? Off the southeast coast of Africa ? And here they are making music.. and I'll tell you, its pretty normal sounding music. nothing so far here too far out. but good. funny, but it sounds like island music. why does island music sound like island music? now there is a guy called Roger Georges with a song called aza mamaraha playing... very cool. the instrumentation is totally different. Which is what I'm looking for now. new instrumentation so I can add it to pop and rock and new musical ideas, new scales entirely. somehow someway I will break from this mold of creating normal predictable pop rock songs and albums.
4-18
spring in the park. Incessant pain from the Princess Little Tree creation. Nothing is cohesive slowly climbing the charts like the little train that could. me in a swamp of desires and resistances lost in the sea of me like a madman. Tossed about like a little tug-boat. Thank God for the gym. Without working out I would be dead or insane. Years ago the way that I am would have killed me. living in my mind is like living in a zoo with all the animals gone mad. Madison square park in nyc in spring. Any park in nyc. Parks offer such community. A sense of community we don't get in suburban America where we drive. Places like this where no one drives and just walks everywhere. everyone is so used to being on top of one another. I really like this. I'll tell you, there's gotta be thousands of us here.
Wasn't it a week ago that we were all bundled up in big coats and scarves and now everyone skipping about in shorts and sandals. There must be over a thousand people here. remembering the sun. every kind of person. so different from the rest of America. So different than the suburbs. There is real joy. an isolated joy. a shared joy. an exuberance fills the air. For all of us. people are here just to sit and read. to sit and breathe. To sit take in the fresh and the sun. to walk their babies. Or their dogs. Or to smoke or to write. Or to eat their lunch. Or to just sit and stare off into space between us all. couples are here holding each other. Bums are here to sleep and druggies are here to bum. But yes, many people just sit and stare, and assumably, to think, or better, to get lost in those thoughts that seem to come from nowhere. Who are we without our thoughts? Who are we with our thoughts? What are these thoughts? Can we ever capture them? hundreds and hundreds of thoughts. Is it all there is to humankind? Like a never ending movie playing in each of our minds. Secret movies. That only we can see. That only the individual can see. In his own mind. What an amazing thought. The little movies. I sit and stare at the others, imagining what little movie is playing in their mind as they sit there staring off into space... could be anything... one can only imagine...
most popular dogs in the parK? Beagles, German shepards, golden retrievers, or cavalier spaniels. The way the pigeons and squirrels are treated here one would think that they are also dogs. Everyone feeds them and pays them much attention. sparrows as well.
Current spin: modest mouse, good news for peeps who love bad news. really unexpected goodness here. very unique. Totally on their own out there just doing whatever the hell they want. Still basic pop and rock. But good stuff. I like it.
Also, checking out this CD called Rumi, the beloved is here. a collection of songs written around Rumi poetry. the very famous Dariush from Iran is one of the main singers on it. and Ramesh. The more I listen to Iranian music the more I like it. the only thing is that I have not found any real balls in their music yet. not in three thousand years worth of music making have I heard anything remotely ballsy... it is all very calm and peaceful for the most part. Even when they are totally going for it full on passion it is reserved compared to much of what we are used to from western or Latin countries. Still the scales are slightly different and that's refreshing.
4-17
in good news Juliet is about to take the Avatar course, which makes me very happy. another aligned companion to play with. My goal is have everyone I know, everyone in the world really, to discover it. Today was such a beautiful day. spring finally really here. the last few days being so dreadful and cold after spring teased for a few days. finally really poked its head out fully today. must have been 70. everyone in shorts and sandals as if it were summer. I must admit that was strange. I went out all day without my big coat. Talk about a reality shift. The winter coat is like armor. It takes getting used to it not being with you. what will I do with all my gadgets without pockets? Actually almost hot today though.
Started with brunch with the guys in union square, talking girls and money of course, sun shining down upon us and thousands of beautiful people wandering the sidewalks and cafes with bare shoulders and sunglasses and no cares in the world. then a little shopping. Then the cigar shop to have a smoke with the old rich guys. then to the four seasons hotel in midtown to enjoy their ‘afternoon tea’ ritual which consists of loose leaf tea, plenty of alcohol, little bite-size sandwiches, and cakes and pies and tarts galore. Ashleigh was up from Phili with her sister. Three hours in a giant ballroom sized dining room just the four of us discussing the meaning of life over tea and cake and these mini sandwiches, which no matter how many I ate I could not fill up on. But I did discover something ‘Devonshire cream’ which you spread on a scone... wow. Delicious. Couldn’t get enough of it. (if ‘which’ is ‘which’ then how can ‘sandwich’ be ‘sandwich’ without the ‘h?’ English is truly fucked. Just totally illogical.)
Current spin: les negresses vertes. Best of. An awesome French band that throws it all in. this guy I know from French class gave me a DVD with about 60 gigs worth of mp3s on it of French music. this was one of the many artists on that DVD which are all now randomly floating around in my ipod. Very creative stuff. all sorts of funky sounds. Dance oriented but still intelligent and catchy pop rock. Digging it right now. more than one listen. Don't know much about them but will look into.
4-16
G2 emails me to be careful about certain pix I want to post, that if I post them now people will think I am a retard but if he posts them after I am dead, then they will think I am a creative genius. Funny beliefs I think and I tell him not to sweat it. I am tired of sweating it now. trying to fit in with some imaginary “them.” instead I tell him we’re just going to go for it. stop thinking. stop second guessing. Just be us. after all man we’re fucking artists. Why not just go for it. Totally in the flow. A new way of being rock stars and artists. The old way. Being real. Pure poetry in the moment dog, I tell him. No more pretense. Just being in the flow. Can you handle it?
Current spin: serge gainsbourg, histoire de melody nelson. Over-hyped. You can hear why the French went crazy for it because it was at the time the most outrageous thing they had probably had ever created on their own musically but compared to what the rest of the world was doing its just not that amazing or awe-inspiring
04-15
just got the call. Our friend Maria is getting worse. She has started to bleed through her trachea tube. It is only a matter of time now. she has we guess decided to head the other way. I call her lover *** and I tell her we are there for her. hundreds of people around the country are there for you both thinking about you and thinking the best thoughts for you. I hope you know that. I know. I know. and Maria knows too she tells me sobbing into the phone. Fishy, there is one thing you can do. tell me sweetie. will you write a song for Maria? She sobs. I already did. I wrote one that night that I was with her in the hospital. And you know what? she added some lyrics of her own. oh my God thank you so much Fishy. that is so cool. I know. it really was. I will play it for you one day. I will record it. it is called Maria full of grace.
Boo Boo Kitty tells me that its o.k. that Maria wants to check out. that will finally be free out there floating. I lied this imagery. It helped me calm into it a bit more. death is heavy for the people that are left behind. But perhaps its not so bad for the person who leaves. At least for Maria, attached to all these machines, afraid to even wake up for fear of choking on the dam tubes shoved down her throat... maybe for her its an alright thing to pass on. I will hold that space for her. for whatever she decides to create. I will miss her though. Very much.
Current spin: ivano fossati, not a word. This is AMAZING. REALLY GOOD MUSIC.
4-14
You know, the thing is that there are always going to be people who stay down, stay at a certain level of existence, and who can’t seem to manage to get up. and sometimes they are people who are close to us. and it is hard. Its hard. Period. Because you want to drag them up. you want ot do whatever it takes to bring them up and get them to see that its just creations. Just beliefs. but sometimes they can’t see that. and try as you might they stay where they are.
I have some friends who I love dearly who are depressed, or who believe they have eating disorders etc... and year after year they stay with the same routine. Doctors and more doctors and meds and more meds. And you want to shake them because year after year you still see them in it doing the same things never trying anything new. You have to keep trying. But eventually you have to honor who they are being and maybe that's just the way they want it. you offer alternatives and sometimes it feels as if they resent you for offering alternatives. One year *** expressed to me that she hated Christmas because it wasn't a happy time for her growing up. so year after year for twenty years now she gets depressed during Christmas season rather than just discreating it and deliberately creating that she loves Christmas. This belief I feel must serve her in a way, or at least she must believe it does and therefore she can’t even feel a desire to let it go in order to attempt to create enjoying Christmas. I mean, lets face it, we all go through that bah humbug fuck Christmas phase. I know I did. but after some time, you just decide that its going to serve you more to try to get the absolute most out of it and really enjoy it. and things like that are deliberate. We are deliberate creators. Hard to swallow. But its true. its up to us. if you want to enjoy Christmas you create ‘I enjoy Christmas’ and then you start taking action to make that reality come true.
Sometimes we may internalize our friends’ maladies, as if we should too feel fucked up or sick or scared or depressed or cynical or angry at the world... but when I notice that inside of me I let it go and wish for everyone to feel the same kind of optimism and joy that I do now for life. because it is such a new thing for me, having spent so many years being a generally depressed and cynical person. but where does that really get us?
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.
There's also a negative side. - - Hunter S. Thompson
Current spin: serge gainsbourg, percussions. And also Nazi rock from 1975. if this guy can be a popular recording artist anyone can. this is just horrible rubbish. Really hard to listen to. from listening to his sixties work one can hear that serge was at one point a really good artist, but after ravishing his entire fifteen year catalogue over the last three months looking for treasures I have come up almost totally empty handed. I am really trying to find the mccarteny or Dylan or Lennon or sting or peter Gabriel or cobain of France... something I can really dig into, but haven't found anything except for Francis cabrel really that is that amazing. he is though.
4-13-05
Dear one, love is not a sad truth at all. that is a glorious dream from your oh solo mio heart. nothing wrong dear in holding the vision that everyone holds for themselves. everyone wants that. and you will have it before you know it. i always told you to hold out for the right one that will make your home and life the peaceful loving center you long for. remember the woman has an enormous amount to do with the energy of the home and the psychic of the children and everyone's emotional well being. that's why they are given so much love and compassion and understanding. they are the nurturers. you will have your lovely perfect person Fishy. just stay in an honorable position until then and after god brings her to you.
The resolution of past life relationships and residues is why we come back as it is part of the evolving process of the soul. the fulfilling and honoring of karmic contracts and connections especially family and love ones is essential to move you through old issues to new horizons, new states of emotional freedom for yourself and them. how do we know the service a loving heart has been for those we have loved. like you, everyone i've ever loved has told he they never had love like i gave them with total devotion and care for their highest good. isn't it a blessing to be able to offer that honey. It is a beautiful thing. so we are completing some old karmic patterns and attractions as they show up for us this time.
we can be emotionally involved and even attached yet be able to see beyond our emotions clearly and be able to finish relationships with grace and loving friendship in tact.
That is my advice for today dear. love mom
Current spin: ivano fossati, 700 giorni. A little too eighties pop but still a good listen. He is very good.
4-12-05
The cleaning lady at the studio this morning. She is vacuuming for the day. It is six am. I am still here. finishing some tracks. “do you want some chocolate?” I hand her a piece. “I have some chocolate. It’s the secret to my looking so old for my age.” She is from Albania. I have never had Albanian before. but I am too tired to think about it.
Today was a fucked day. French class was fine. Recording is good. working on so many new CD projects right now. not quite sure which will be released first. psyched but overwhelmed by how many different albums I started at once. Whatever. a lot worse things to be concerned. In general I feel like hurting myself. That kind of pain inside where no matter what you do you can’t seem to escape it. love. Just fucking crazy.
O.k. but enough of that. on the phone with the Poet tonight talking about the new CD we are about to begin. Doing one with Infinito and the guys in Miami and another one with the poet and who knows who in New York in may. And I am dying to make the music totally different. Going nuts. He breaks down the new tracks we laid down in Miami in October one by one. too normal. Too predictable. Too usual for transcendence. this sounds like another song weave already done... I know I know man. But it’s a good song. yeah but man I just feel like you have go somewhere else entirely with your songwriting. Bro I fucking know already. thats all I've been talking about. but how? That's the million dollar fucking question isn't it. stop writing on the guitar for one thing. I know. too organic. You're approach is too organic. I know Bloopy says the same thing. have to start writing on other instruments. Start only playing with a sampler or something. build songs from scratch like that instead of on normal instruments. You ever consider learning cover songs by other artists? No I don't know any. Well maybe that's a way. I know. a lot of other artists do that actually. Zeke is really into that. he knows all these cool tricks he uses in his own songs that he learns from learning other peoples songs.... but I don't know if I have the patience to learn other peoples songs... I'm seriously considering going to Iran this summer to study Persian classical music at the university there with some masters. I will learn this instrument they have called the tar. Its like a guitar but it has eight strings instead of six. Totally different notes and scales. O.k. but how will that help you write different sounding pop or rock. That's great if you want to start composing Persian pop or something... I know. but still I think it will help. Look at that song ma petite Naomi. You know that fuckin song is the number one most downloaded transcendence song on itunes? And its like three albums ago. O.k.? and what I'm saying is that song is totally different than anything I had ever written before. it’s a fuckin cha cha for gods sake. If I had never gotten into Latin music I never would have written a cha cha. You know? same thing with the song tres cool. I hate that song. its so cheesy. I know you do but I fucking love it so check me out. if I never would have gotten into hip hop I never would have attempted a song like that. wouldn’t have even known how to get into something like that. I wish you wouldn’t have actually. Whatever man. I love that song. I think it’s tres fucking cool. I knew you were going to say that. well that's my point. Maybe going to Iran will help. Italy didn't.’ I'll tell you that. I didn't really come away with any new inspiration for music there... well that's not true. I did discover a lot of new artists. Hey have you heard ivano fossatti? Is that that Italian guy you keep raving about? yeah. Hold on, go on msn and I will send it to you. its totally fucking fresh... standby.... and by the way so is cesare cremonini. He's awesome too.
the ambassador sends:
check out this song now:
the poet says:
dude, my phone crapped out.
the ambassador says:
stand by my phone died
Transfer of "03 Lampo.mp3" is complete.
the ambassador says:
ok listen to the song
the poet says:
I am. Cool into.
the poet says:
intro.
the ambassador says:
now that is some interesting songwriting!
the poet says:
agreed, not into the poppy sax though
the poet says:
I like the keys. Good songwriting
the ambassador says:
although i would not have any idea how to fucking write like that now. not yet.
the ambassador says:
yes he needs to put his STING records away!!!
the poet says:
dude, just transcribe the bass line!
the poet says:
That'd be a start.
the poet says:
then sample it, put different chords on top, sing, create, it'll be totally different!
the ambassador says:
like the hip hop artists do... lol
the poet says:
no, put CHORDS
the poet says:
new chords
the ambassador says:
this bridge is AWESOME
the ambassador says:
yeah i know...
the ambassador says:
key change. did you hear it?
the poet says:
I like that alien keyboard sound, No, I was distracted. my sis just got home.
the poet says:
I'm listening again.
the ambassador says:
goo stuff
the poet says:
d
the ambassador says:
good
the ambassador says:
ok cool convo bro
the poet says:
gotcha
the ambassador says:
later
the ambassador says:
gotcha is such a JOCK thing to say
the poet says:
I gotta get to bed. I've been running around all day, YOu're a jock
the ambassador says:
in bed perhaps... o.k. man later
Current spin: Prince, musicology. Gotta hand it to prince. Even when the songs aren't completely there, he still just makes it happen more than most of us even know is possible. Some smoking music on this disc, even if the songs come off a little forced and uninspired. The man is so far above musically that its hard to ever fault him. a decent comeback, even though he never really went anywhere. I was one of the few that continued to buy all his albums over the last ten years while he wasn't on a major label even though at times they were fucking impossible to even procure because he kept trying new techniques for selling on his own. all these weird buy music-clubs on his endless string of on-again, off –again websites... but I stayed loyal to the man because he is one of my biggest influences and inspirations and I swear I fucking love the guy like family. Just really respect and admire him. but I'll tell you the last few releases – shit, the last five or more really -- really challenged, even if you were an ardent fan. hard to tell if perhaps he hadn't lost his mind somewhere down the road. but this new one musicology sets the record straight enough. He still has it. he's going to go all the way. he's going to become one of the dylans or sinatras or McCartney's. perhaps actually better than Dylan or McCartney. he's going to be doing it till he's in his grave, and doing it well.
4-11
at this point where I feel like giving up music career entirely. not music, but music career. haunting me. round and round in my brain, how do you give up a music career and still be making music? it makes no sense man, what you're saying. you're going to keep making music, releasing albums, creating new paintings so to speak, but you're going to give up your music career? makes no sense man, I tell myself. You're just discouraged. Lets face it, you like money. you like having lots of money. and right now you're not making lots of money so you tell yourself that you're going to give up to make yourself feel better for not making lots of money. but what are you going to give up really? Making music? nah. Probably not. face it now. get on with it. move on. Its what you do. painters don't stop painting. Get drunk if you have to, laugh at yourself, laugh at the world, scream and shout some obscenities at life, pass out, wake up again, and start anew. But for gods sake shut up with your giving up talk. I am bored with that aspect of you.
Current spin: Rufus wainright, want two. LOVE IT. really good Rufus. Lazy, melodic, orchestral, laconic, depressing, semi-tragic, no make that tongue in cheek tragedy for the person who has everything and still wants to be depressed. This will go down as one of his best works. goes down smooth. The fucking guy...
4-10
Weekend visiting Princess Little Tree in Seattle. Its interesting because I need to write about this but I can’t. I wrote about it a lot while I was there but not in the diaries... purged the most intense emotion through just taking notes for songs mostly, endless pages of song notes. Which is great because I believe I will get years of songs out of this. [Also working on a song for the Stallion called Thursday’s rain, something like that... which is a play on her name] Never just sat down to note the details or how I was feeling though. I can’t really, for obvious reasons, because of the public nature of this experiment. So instead, I just took lots of notes for songs. It is always very emotional for us. a lot of laughing and a lot of crying. It is a tragedy, our situation. doesn’t have to be processed that way I suppose, but at times it feels like that.... if she isn't crying, I am, and vice versa. Not sure if that's the way its supposed to be. again, just can’t talk about it. instead will write songs about it... use it to create. As in the song, we did sit by the fire. This was life imitating art... It was very nice, very sad, but very nice... but very sad. ‘sad?’ Infinito asks me this morning over an IM chat... ‘of course, I answer. that is all I can really say about it. other than I am very happy. and very sad. And I suppose that is what being human is all about.
4-09
Today it just rocked me like a thunder bolt. I was in the shower. the water pounding on me, adrift in half-consciousness. There I was caught up in about two or three major conflicts or desires running around like blind mice in my brain. Just trying to wake up, and relax, and sort it all out... and I had this idea to pray. Why? I have no idea. it just hit me. pray. Talk to God-Goddess. ‘but I thought we don't believe in God?’ I said to myself... ‘its not that we don't believe in God,’ I answered. ‘its just that we’re not sure about it, that's all.’
‘o.k. so what you're saying, (and man, who are we talking to? who am I talking to? (‘you're talking to yourself. You know that. its no big deal. Let it go. lets keep going.’) ‘o.k. you’re right. so yeah, I mean, what you're saying is that we’re not really sure about God. but honestly I just really want to talk to God. I don't care that I don't know if he she or it exists or not. I just think it would be a good thing...’ ‘yes I would agree. Lets do it. the worst that can happen is that there really is no higher power-God-Goddess-force-whatever and what we’re really doing is just talking to ourselves in a different kind of a way, and you know, in the end, that's probably cool anyway, probably nothing wrong with that... so yeah, I agree, lets do it.’ ‘o.k. cool.’
And it started from that. just me, standing under the hot shower, naked, head bowed, eyes closed, a slight smile on my face from the reassuring comfort of it. ‘God, Goddess, Force, what you are, wherever you are, its me Fishy. I want to talk to you if its cool...’
‘I don't know if you exist but I would love if you did. I can feel you sometimes, perhaps see signs of you at times. I would love to feel you more. I would to see more signs of you.’
I listened to myself. I was in it, but a part of me remained outside of it, as always, as in all things. the experiencer and the observer. Always. In all things. rarely have I ever been one. At times. but rarely. So I listened. Wow. I am deliberately asking to give up my Source. To another. To God yes, the idea of a God yes, but still, it is a deliberate asking to give up Source to another being... interesting. Can I do it? do I want to do it? who would want to deliberately want to give up their own control/source of the creation of their lives to anything else? do I ask for what I want? Do I preface it with ‘if it your will?’ or ‘if it is meant to be?’ Man that is something. just totally giving in to this sort of ‘fuck it, its not me creating it’ kind of idea. that's just not me. I mean, what? all of a sudden we’re not in control anymore? I'm supposed to start believing that now? no. there has to be a better way. think of yoda man. Yeah... think of yoda...
That we have no proof for a God-Goddess. We have never seen a God nor heard of a God. no God has ever shown up on earth or anywhere else in the universe. The idea, the concept, the construct, was and still is, a constantly evolving invention of human beings, for whatever reason. It is one of the only things, well, much like the idea of the ‘soul,’ or dragons, or vampires, that we created or came up with the idea of, before we actually experienced, for truly, in reality, we haven't seen any God yet. haven't seen any vampires or dragons yet either, but we remain hopeful, and So, for the mind, for logic, it’s a leap of faith, entirely. its just us going out there on a limb in consciousness saying to ourselves ‘o.k. fine, but what if?’
Yes. yoda. He would have no problem with this. God is God. or perhaps God isn't God. that's what yoda would say. But in the end we will never know anyway.. so if God serves, whether real or imagined, let God be.
So that's where I am now. I have firmly resolved to seek out God. in spite of my mind. In spite of lack of proof. In spite of logic or rational thought.
I'll tell you this, God isn't going to show up in any books. He never has. One has to look for God in life. in the here-now. if God exists he is going to exist right here. wherever we are. and in the end, all we have to do is close our eyes and speak to that image in our souls. And listen. And maybe, just maybe...
Current spin : frank Sinatra, fly me to the moon. Another in the endless cycle of greatest hits packages that will inevitably be released till the end oh human civilization. But I bought it for Princess Little Tree because she wasn't familiar with franks rendition of fly me to the moon, or Tony’s, only the Astrid Gilberto version, which if you have ever had the displeasure of hearing, you will know, is in all honesty quite horrendous. as with all frank best of comps this one is awesome. just good time music by a good time guy who knew how to deliver a great song. [for the record if I had to put franks fly me to the moon up against Tony’s in a Pepsi challenge I think it would be dead even. would never dare do it to either man. Tony's has more spunk and pizzazz really, more carefree.
4-08
Current spin: Francis Cabrel, double tour. I love Francis cabrel. He reminds me of being young in love with Cleopatra. when life was art and art was life and times were simpler. I love his thick southern accent. My French teacher makes fun of it because she is an ignorant bigot from Paris --- She thinks that the only cool stuff that comes out of France is from Paris, but I dig his music very much. A lot of passion.
Last screening: fat Albert. Watched it on the plane. Reminded me of childhood. Frankly I dug it.
4-07-5
Current spin: Elliot smith, from a basement on a hill. Elliot of course just recently passed on from here... very sad. What a talent he was. Don't know yet about this one. need to listen more. love Elliot’s voice. And sometimes his songwriting. This is... well, lets put it this way... it sounds unfinished. So perhaps a critique just wouldn’t be fair.
Last screening: Garden state. Good enough.
4-06
On a plane. Going to Seattle.
French class today started again. third semester for me now and I still feel like I can’t speak a fucking word. Frustrating. But I am entirely committed. I will do it. I will master this language. Will bring down this beast in me that makes it seem so difficult. If not for communicating with the French, which doesn’t seem half as important since they all seem to speak English anyway these days, I will bring it into me and make it a part of me so I can study African music in north-western Africa with the masters. This feels big and important. so everyday I go and I focus as much as I possibly can for a guy who has the attention span of a three year old. But I'm really trying. If I could just get the French people at my school to display even an ounce of passion about anything. Just anything, then I know I would get it better. But they just don't seem to posses any passion whatsoever. Not for their music or their film or their art. The total opposite of the Brasilians or the Spanish or the South Americans or the Italians. so there's nothing for me to grab onto and run with. You know how their music has that lazy matter of fact sound to it... well that's the way the people come off. That's why French bands like Tahiti 80 and phoenix who sing in English not French come off so good, because they are singing more American, more English, more passionate. throwing more of themselves into it. I swear to God these French people come off like they're all on downers all the time. so intellectual and passive. And maybe that's it. maybe its me who needs to shift viewpoints. I need to allow them to be as they are and stop trying to get them to be what I want or need them to be. anyway that's how I approached this new semester and I have to admit I did feel more into it and felt like I learned a bit more.
Current spin: Nellie, his new one, SUIT. LOVE HIM!!!
4-05-05
I'm sitting on the steps outside in front of my apt writing on my laptop and the doorman pulls up in his old beater. Parks. Turns to me on his way upstairs, smiles and in his grisly voice says to me, "its spring. Seeing you sitting there again... its official. Spring has arrived.” I hadn't sat outside to write in four months but spring is indeed here. beautiful days. absolutely beautiful. temperatures in the seventies for days now. seems more like California. God is it good not to be freezing my ass off all the time.
Current spin: ivano fossati, la disciplina della terra. I LOVE him. think Italian Sting meets pat metheny style music. he talk-sings a lot. intelligent. Turning into a big influence on how I look at songwriting.
4-04
Today I met a man named Harvey Finkelstein. I'm not making this up. He's a young guy. a cool guy. a guy you would want to hang with. But after he gave me his card, right there in black and white Finkelstein... this was no joke. This was his name. and he is keeping it... if there is any name in the entire history of humankind that belongs off limits to call yourself, but only to be used as the butt of all jokes, it would be Finkelstein... that's just not a name that should be used for anything but stand up comedy... I couldn’t help but just stare at it and wonder... why doesn’t he just change that name? I mean, o.k. its bad enough that he has it... that's his parent’s fault, for not changing it before they had him, and then later his own fault... but then if he gets married and has a child he's going to give that same name to his children.. .and they're going to be forced to walk around with it and go through all that torture as children as well... and for what? some kind of weird pride? Its bad enough to hang on to a crazy name like that yourself – perhaps if you are some kind of a masochist, you would keep the name Finkelstein and be ornery enough to force it upon your wife – but to do that to your children... that's really inexcusable.
Now what this reminds me of is when I first met the infamous drummer extra-ordinario Infinito. He had just recently relocated from Bolivia, fresh out of college. still very young. Never a serious word out of his mouth. In fact, he's still that way today. but a little older and wiser. Everytime we took a break at our rehearsals for the rise and shine album he would go up to my microphone and stand there coming up with very American sounding names and say them into the mic and then laugh his ass off. He would say ‘hold on hold on.... ladies and gentleman, Mr. John Smithson...’ and then he would break out into huge laugher like it was the funniest thing he had ever heard... ‘hold on hold on... listen... ladies and gentlemen... Mr. Fred Baxter!’ and then he would laugh. I never got the joke. At least not at first... but then I started thinking of how my friends and I here in America make fun of Spanish names like that sometimes when we were kids... we would say ‘miguel Jose Gomez... or juan martinez... and we would laugh.. I guess because it just sounded so typically Latin or South American or whatever... and then you would meet someone with that name and you would laugh. Holy shit, that guys name is really Jose martinez or whatever... so Infinito would go on and on... ‘ladies and gentlemen... introducing Mr. roger Wilson!’ and he would laugh... as if that was funny that someone could have that name...
Reminds me of something I read today about the pope dying. It said in the new York times that he passed away at 9:35 pm. And I remember seeing it live on TV in the studio that he died at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Well that's just because I happened to be in America at the time. on the east coast. So that makes sense. But I thought that was strange. time. what a funny thing time is. how the hell are you going to quantify something like that... in the future when people are asked ‘where were you when the pope died?’ they are going to respond according to where they were and what time it was where THEY were, not where the pope was. so if someone was in California they will remember very clearly that the pope died at about noon. And yet the official report will always read that the pope died at 9:35 at night. to make matters even more perplexing, to everyone that was in Australia or new Zealand at the time, they will remember that he died the following day... time on earth. It is quite relative. Next... what else is relative?
current spin: A. Molotkov, this is totally avant garde experimental music project out of Portland OR. Out there. not even music really, but sound. Interesting.
Last screening: sin city. wow. What a feast. Violent and graphic and brutal as all hell. But new. Unique. Bruce was rather predictable, which isn't a bad thing, because Bruce is great just being Bruce as always, but Mickey Rourke God love him can rest now forever. He performed his swan song. He was over the top amazing. worth seeing again just for his performance... this movie made me extremely uncomfortable and sick throughout. But it still sucks you in. Not my thing, but still a respectable work for its singular vision. One thing is, I will never forget it. a lot of critics are giving it an F. And some are giving it five stars or an A. no one can agree if it’s good or not. That's a sign of great art. [in that respect the pope was a great artist because he so polarized society] If you ask me I would give it an A because its that good of a piece of work – on its own, it can stand proud, gruesome and discomforting, but proud --- but I would give it a 7 out of 10 or a three out of five stars to separate it from the better films of all time. because its not that. but it is a damn good piece of art that you won't soon forget.
4-02-05
the pope is dead. (I don't like to use the term ‘the pope’ these days – as if everyone is supposed to know what ‘the pope’ means... if we said ‘the doctor’ when speaking about some witch doctor in Zimbabwe would everyone in the world know who that was? no. of course not. so instead let us offer the same respect to the catholic church as we would any other religion of humankind. Not more not less. Perhaps we should call him ‘the leader of the catholic church,’ which is, after all, in the end, all he is.) Tens of thousands mourn in St. peters square. It seems like just yesterday when Giovanna and I were skipping through St. Peters high on hash and Italian beer in the wee hours of the night, splashing in the fountains and jumping from square to square. “are you a catholic,” I ask her. “isn't everyone a catholic here?” “of course I'm not a catholic,” she shouts back at me in her sexy thick Italian accent, as if I had offended her. she tells me how the idea that Italy is all catholic is a myth perpetrated by the church, that at this point in history the people of Italy are nothing now, they are no religion. They believe in God and Jesus but they sure as hell don't believe in the catholic church. they are waiting to be liberated by some new religion or by a regenerated catholic church willing to represent the people rather than rule them with outdated patriarchic ideologies no longer relevant or acceptable to most. [looking back now I find it fascinating how many people stood in line at St. peters to mourn the death of this pope; certainly some of them must be catholic...]
She went on to tell me how many Italians are scared shitless of the catholic church [hey its not just Italians...] and would never dare speak up against them as we do in America—in that we are lucky in America she tells me, but at the same time they don't go to church or pay much attention to anything that has to do with the church. Indeed this idea is so well known that I even had read the same thing in my American tour guide when first visiting the country. at this point the church is relegated to births and weddings and deaths and that's about it. the people are waiting for something to inspire them and revitalize them once more. having been raised a catholic myself I noticed the same thing here in America. People didn't seem to care much about the church here in the states. it seemed very matter of fact growing up... Catholics weren't inspired; obligated maybe, but never inspired. The last dark veil around the beautiful face of humanity is religion; Catholicism and Islam and Christianity. We need to honor and respect our brethren’s beliefs but keep the truth in the back of our minds. Hold a candle for the light of truth to one day shine on humanity.
For me I stand in awe and amazement at how newsworthy this event appears to the world. the man stood against same sex marriage, abortion, birth control, women becoming preists – he still promoted this very sexist patriarchal heirechy where men were above women, the obligation of celibacy for the presithood.. which leads to... denial and then, well, you know what... and so many other modern and progressive ideas, and so to me, he stood against humankind itself in a lot of ways. Still, with that said, he united a lot of people and gave them hope... he was against the imperialist invasion of Iraq, good for him. he is against capital punishment, good for him. that actually makes sense given his stand against abortion, as opposed to most conservative Americans, who reveal the glitch in their thinking machinery by admitting being against abortion but pro-capital punishment... The person called the pope leads one of the richest, most powerful, sinister, and dangerous organizations in the world – the catholic church – what's left of the gasping roman empire still today; a thinly veiled euphemism at best to those in the know. most people don't even know that not only is the catholic church one of the richest companies in the world, they are also secretly their own COUNTRY. Just over the top crazy evil shit this company/country-disguised-as-a-religion has pulled off over the last two thousand years... but they won't mention this on CNN or any other news network. The truth is only uttered under the breath of those brave enough to even have the thought in their heads.
Check out this photo:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/europe/04/06/pope.main/
grim right? but why? All of the former American presidents have flown in to sit and stare at the passed on priest’s body... but none of them are catholic... what is going on here? any guesses? Would they do the same if the leader of the Hindu religion died? Would they do it if the ayatollah died? Prob not. o.k., obviously not. not now. but I bet they would do it if the dali lama died.. yes? but still they won't help the dali lama in his quest to free his country from the clutches of tyrannical empirical china... well that's because china has more money than Tibet. And the catholic church has more money than both... the photo and the reality it portrays is quite startling... why are these men putting on such a show to mourn the loss of the leader of the catholic church when they weren't even catholic?
Well, after studying his life the last few days maybe its just because he was such a great guy. and maybe its because he was so dedicated to promoting peace. He even issued a number of apologies on behalf of the catholic church over the last ten years for the horrors perpetrated by Catholics over the last two thousand years to the rest of humanity. That's just fucking amazing. that alone makes him a good guy. better than many that preceded him. for sure.
I keep my eyes on the prize at the end of the right and wrong game when humans will no longer be satisfied being ruled by archaic dogma, but instead will choose self rule and self governance on all levels in their lives. But those days may still be quite a number of years away from us at this point in our slow evolution. People are religious I remind myself. This is real. It is I who lives in another world. the world is still in the world. and though I don't see it, even I am in that world. I just pretend not to know it. people, I remind myself, are religious here on earth still. and dogma is king. Beaurocracy is king. Hierarchies are king.
Check this out: in his first papal “encyclical” entitled ‘redeemer of man’ he explained his convictions/beliefs by stating that ‘caring for human life springs for the love of Christ.’ If you are religious and that's your thing, then it makes sense, maybe, frankly I don't even see one follows the other but o.k., and I guess it makes sense to state it so everyone is clear about your ideas. But if you're not religious then that may seem a bit twisted of an idea... after all, most people don't need a love of Jesus or anything for that matter to love their fellow man... why does caring for human life have to come from a love of Jesus to this man? (I'm not much into the current trend of referring to Jesus as ‘Christ’ that's become all the rage lately. Christ was not his last name, but rather the Hebrew or Aramaic word for ‘king’ and since Jesus wasn't the king of anything then it really makes no sense. He never even claimed be the king of anything. For a time some Jews thought that he might be the king of them as prophesized in their old testament, but they quickly abandoned the idea and well, you know what happened next... but with respect to the Jewish people, why not just use his real last name and let the Jews decide when they find their king,) Or to any Catholics or Christians? That's the real question. Why do humans still find a need to have a religion or a religious leader or a religious icon such as Jesus in order to care for others? isn't this an innate instinct inside of us? is the pope trying to tell us something here? is he saying that he believes that many people are not born with this innate understanding and desire – to care for others? and so perhaps if we tell people that we should care for others because we love Christ then that will get them to play along better.... maybe this is it... but I would that eventually one day we won't need any religions for people to just care for each other....
I am watching the people mourn on TV, very sad, very focused on this internal sorrow inside of themselves over the death of this man... I step back and ask myself what is happening here. some kind of shared mass delusion imagining super-human attributes about a mere mortal, someone who is just like us, but who they have put up on an imaginary pedestal based on many projected identities; a meagerly masked attempt to feel closer to a God-force perhaps... maybe it helps in some way for people to place this higher than thou honor upon another person, gives us something to look up to, something we project in our minds as being better than we are to inspire us to be better ourselves.
For me the death of John Lennon or Bono were and would be much more impactful on my own heart. Men who pushed humanity forward rather than trying to keep us held back. the catholic church has wreaked more havoc on the face of the earth than any other single organization in humankinds history, shed more blood, caused more pain.... but the people pretend they don't know it; they ignore their history and turn a blind eye because of the God concept... maybe its fear, maybe its mass hypnosis, maybe its just ignorance. In the future we will know. we will look at these things differently. We will transcend the barbarity of religion. But for now even the mere utterance of such things is blasphemy. [on the record, and in his honor mention that the pope himself even recognized this fact and made many apologies about many of the atrocities carried about the catholic church over the last two thousand years. he knew, and he was trying to do something about it. that's cool.]
John Lennon and Bono... hey, call me a slave to the myth of rock and roll... [I once received an email from a screaming raging cursing maniac in north Carolina who said I was an idiot for quoting musicians when it came to politics [he was pro-Bush]... but if the musicians your quoting are Bruce Springsteen or Bono and the politician your trying to defend is George w bush, who’s the idiot? is how I responded...] I smile. I feel that either man better represent the ideals of godliness than the man they called or will ever call the pope. but that's just me. but it helps me understand how people could be so upset over the death of someone they aren't even related to... one cannot qualify the importance of one person to another... the idea of a God is a powerful one indeed. Without the idea of God I believe that many people wouldn’t know what to do with themselves here. I think many of them would go nuts. God is a very important idea to humans. Even to me still. and I stand at the razors edge, between the two worlds --- the old world of imagined gods and the new world of humankind’s discovery of it’s own godness. Yes. it is a tough belief to shake regardless of how strong you try to remain. I'll even admit to a deep and passionate longing for God to show up one day, but not under the guise of some manmade religion. Catholicism only represents 1 billion people on the earth today. if there is a God, he is bigger than that. he will represent all of us. every last man woman and child. And we will know him/her/it instantly.
From the mailbox:
“ you know god gets a real laugh when we tell him our plans for our life. surrender your life to the god within you and then lay back and watch everything fall into divine perfect right order. its only your own higher self you are surrendering to but it sure knows more about what's best for you than your conscious mind does. ha ha. roll with whatever shows up.”
The preceding was sent to me by a very well intentioned person... I read it just as I was typing this... this one little paragraph is completely antithetical to everything I believe about us. you couldn’t write anything more contrary to what I believe about who we are. I refuse to believe that there is anyone or anything controlling us other than ourselves at this point. We do not need to surrender to anyone except ourselves. God is our invention. If anything, we are God; we just don't know it yet.
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The thing is that it is not enough for me now just to create regular pop/rock. Not that it has ever been. Because from what I notice that's the way its always been... but now I am very focused on trying to transcend the format entirely. God, all formats really. Can we transcend all formats? and if so what will that look like? Sound like? Can we do it?
I will not join the Abyssinian church in Harlem. Last night on the subway I had the understanding of why it didn't feel right to me. I will return often I am sure. But it would not be fair for me to join their church. I would love and honor the learning and the connection with the long history and the community with others and great spirit that is present there, but the fact of the matter is that in order to become a member I will have to answer one question in the end: ‘do you Fishy take Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?’ and my answer as always will be ‘no I do not. I only take myself as my personal lord and savior. And I hope that every one else will do the same one day’ And because of this fact I cannot honestly and respectfully go through with the membership. I will have to love and honor and respect their kind invitation but politely decline out of reverence for their sacred beliefs and the honest difference between them and my own. but I can still love them and their music and their message and show up now and then to celebrate us.
Last screening: I love the huckabees. One of the best movies I have seen recently for what it tried to say. this is what ‘what the bleep’ wanted to be. this is a great movie, at least in its intention. Totally new.
Current spin: Ed Hale & the Transcendence, rise and shine. wow. I hadn't listened to this CD in years and years. only heard the first four tracks. But I really loved what I heard. how special. I think that finally, after all this time, I am proud of it, now that I am so far away from it. very special indeed... I really got caught up in this whole indie rock thing for a while didn't I, really believing the hype, forgetting to just do what I wanted to from the heart. From now on that's the aim though. Click heels twice: there's no place like home there's no place like home. and home... after all... is where the heart is.
4-01-05
at the metropolitan museum of art in central park with a big group of matrix-website community members. I'm serious. Met Nebraska and his wife little Nikki there who were up from Miami for the day to meet a bunch of people from this community who flew in from different countries around the world. they're all members of this matrix website community. Crazy. but cool.
I was in the van Gogh room and I had this realization that our industry, the music industry is totally fucked up. totally anti-art. The way the painters would do hundreds of paintings a year. just let themselves go free do whatever they wanted to in the moment – freely express themselves as artists and how in the music industry we aren't even supposed to make more than one album a year for fear of wasting it because the “fans” don't want to buy more than one album a year from the same artist... all these rules. Have to just break the whole fucking thing wide open. and let the pieces crumble down around us. MTV and the radio has murdered the art form of music. just obliterated it.
When I got home tonight from the museum – great chili by the way at this restaurant that sells nothing but soup, that's another story, only in New York, is there a better place in the world? maybe not --- I sat and watched videos with this twelve year old kid who lives upstairs, Tyler. We get along great. Hang out a bit on the rare occasion that I am home. we jam on our guitars and listen to music and watch videos. I'm up in his room watching videos... I wonder what his parents think.. they always thank me for hanging out with him, so that's cool. I guess they don't mind. so yeah we’re sitting there watching videos and I was horrified by how bad the music was in most of these really popular songs... just couldn’t believe it. they all sound the same. Very generic and formulaic. I'm sitting there swigging red wine from the bottle and Tyler is asking me for some. Man I need some wine. This music is so bad, he tells me. Bro you're twelve. You don't drink wine. Drown your sorrows in Coke. As a twelve year old he even hears it. he has posters of bob Dylan and Bruce springsteen and the Beatles and the stones and zeppelin all over his walls in his bedroom. NOT the modern music of today. and this is a twelve year old. Even he hears how crappy today's POPular music is compared to the older music. (not that there isn't great music being made right now, because there is, lots of it. its just not popular.) and the kid is fucking twelve. So its not just me and the guys in the band. the labels tell us that we have to listen to more of the music of today and try to make our next album more like that. that our sound is too left of center, that it doesn’t sound like anything out today. after watching MTV tonight with Tyler I am glad about that. no wonder we don't sound like the music of today. how the fuck are we supposed to do that? we are fucking creative for gods sake. We are creators. Not craftsmen. Nuts. Totally fucking nuts.
I've decided to form another band or two. And continue on in recording more than one album at the same time. I would like to work on all three at the same time right now. with three different themes and three different producers. The rules say you don't do that. on all accounts according to industry standards I am totally off base. But from this point forward I am saying goodbye to all the rules of the business. just saying fuck it to everything that anyone has ever told me about the music business and what you are supposed to do and not do. its all just hype and crap anyway. The only thing that matters is the art itself at this point.
Being in the museum reminded me how inspirational painting can be for music making. Endless hours of inspiration. New ideas and new possibilities abound.
Current spin: Morrocco, sands of time. this is totally out there, off the dial stuff. non-pop. Brilliant. I could listen to it forever.
Last screening: earth girls are easy. o.k. I think I have now finally seen the worst movie of all time.
3-30
We are at the very beginning stages of humanity’s ascent toward recognition of its inherent divinity. Will not happen in our lifetimes but we are seeing the beginning stages of it.
Dying to create music right now. DYING. No, make that LIVING. Eating sleeping breathing music again. its all I think of. Falling absolutely in love again with WORLD MUSICS from everywhere -- morocco and Ghana and Mali as always, and now Iran... still digging ivano fussati, Francis cabrel, serge gainsebourge, Caetano, and Jorge Ben Jor to name a few. Just totally obsessed again. again trying to find a way to blend my love for glam rock power pop new wave seventies rock R&B hip hop and world music all together to find something that will satisfy me as a fan and as an artist and make me feel like I am doing IT, pleasing myself, fulfilling my goals and dreams as an artist. I am tired of trying to fit in with what's going on at this point. Now I am just entirely obsessed with pleasing myself as an artist and as a listener. If I have to listen to one more straight ahead rock resurgence or power pop or hip hop album I am going to shoot myself in the head from pure boredom. Thank God for cats like wilco and beck or the beasties because they are at least trying to go out there, but I want to go way out there.... way more out there... but do it in a cohesive way that fits it all together... don't know if I can do it just with the guys in the band. I don't think they are with me on this... but we will finish our current album and then who knows... I have to be able to please this urge within me. its not like were rolling in cash doing what we’re doing anyway.
3-29
back in New York now. re-integrating. On the subway last night and realized how powerful but subtle the impact was. normally I'm hooded sunglassed and ipoded, not really there... hiding out. the last two days I'm just sitting there feeling everyone, open, feeling it all. without agenda. Strange I think. what is it that is missing? The agendas. Nothing running in my head. Not much reaction triggering. More presence. More here now. not a lot of thinking. God I fucking love Avatar. I love being me. pure beingness.
its spring in New York now. spring is here. living in Florida the last few years I had forgotten what spring meant. totally forgotten the significance of it. you just don't get spring in Florida. wow. Spring. It means so much when you live in a place like New York. I sit in the park and notice the grass is growing again. it is warming up. the squirrels and pigeons are back again. they are everywhere. jumping all over the place. it is beautiful. the park is populated with hundreds of people playing with their children on swings. Winter came and went so quickly. It will be missed. I will not know how to dress. What will I do when I don't need to wear my hooded coat? Where will I put my phone and pda and ipod when I'm walking around? I love my coat. I will miss the cold and snow. but welcome the new season.
Ah New York. you forget when you aren't here for a while. there is the man on the subway carrying on a very passionate and complete conversation hand gestures and all with absolutely no one while the rest of us try not to notice. There is the almost daily subway ride with one half of the car filled with people holding their nose and the other half with one passed out drunk sprawled out on the seats who has pissed himself, the smell so bad we’re all running to the next car. no one says anything. New Yorkers are like that. you have to figure that if a man is that far down that he is peeing on himself and passing out on subways God bless him and hopefully help him. no one’s going to say shit about it to anyone; let him sleep. its not that people dig it, but I think people understand and sympathize. Life is hard sometimes. There is the man who stops in a phone booth to let his pants fall to his ankles and pee right there out in public all over the phone booth as if it’s a toilet. There is the man who gets off the bus in front of my apt and walks backwards all the way into his apartment building across the street. Entirely backwards. Why? I don't know. there is the woman on the train last night who was shouting to all of us asking us if we had ever seen a white mans asshole. I swear to God. I don't know what she meant. God only knows. she was really loud and drunk. but I was drunk as well so I didn't mind. I thought it was disgusting and offensive but funny; felt as if I were in the African savanna with a bunch of other wild animals, any minute someone could have walked up to someone else on the train and ripped their head off and started eating their flesh from their neck and no one would have flinched. Sometimes you become very aware of what animals we are here roaming the earth with all our pretense. Just all part of the fold of living here. you get used to it. you get used to everything. after a while nothing shocks you.
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maria was in the hospital. She has been my friend for ten years. she has lambs disease. Her lungs are getting eaten away. filled with holes. They collapse and then she can’t breathe. It is not a good thing. she is young. This makes it sadder somehow. when I got the news I went to the hospital to see her. I brought my guitar to play for her and chill. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism on my part a little bit, just to ease the tension of being there with someone who is really sick... she had a lot of difficulty breathing. Could barely speak. We watched rocky on the TV and I sat with her and played her new songs. Told her I would write her a song so I started picking on different things. tuned to an open G. she told me certain lyrics that she wanted in her song. it was ironic that we were watching rocky and she was laying there sick and unable to breathe.
She had to go to the bathroom and told me I had to help her. it was challenging for both of us I am sure.
To watch someone sit there and tell you that they have done everything they can do to try to find ownership of the creation and yet still cannot discreate it – that they want to live, that they have processed over and over and over again and still cannot heal themselves... makes you wonder... how in control are we really? How much is up to us and how much is up to some external forces that we are just not aware of yet? so fucking frustrating. Watching her sit there grasping for each breath, smiling and telling me that she doesn’t want to die but that maybe this is just the way it is... her karma. Note: when we have tried everything and can still not become source of our creations or experiences, then we resort to believing in concepts such as God or the universe or karma creating for us. fucking Maria. God save her.
Last screening: state of grace with Sean Penn and Gary Oldman and Ed Harris. Wow. What a great movie. No, a good movie. But some really fine acting. Worth seeing. Stellar cast if not the best story.
3-28
first day back. staying quiet. feeling my way around. feel so in control. And confident. How wonderful. Great talk with the King last night who just got off a week long Sedona Method course. comparing notes. Both courses feel similar. He says he got great gains. Feels great. Flying.
Honeymoon with Princess Little Tree. In another world. dreamy. Floating. Unbelievable. Connection. Oneness. Stealing time is how I look at it. how long can we... laughing and crying... just trying to steal time. Coming down now that we have separated but feel good about it. o.k. with it. its like: ‘I love you, now goodbye.’ And maybe that's o.k.
current spin: broken social scene, you forgot it in people. awesome. not sure what you call it. but very good. out there. fucking creative as hell.
3-27
Day nine
Wow about the integrity course. last day. what a dance. are we not amazing creators? As its said, consciousness is funny. Just really funny. Processed all day just hard core no lunch and really focused to get the absolute most out of the experience that I could. a little shocked, perhaps in shock actually. A new course, just a little over a year old, and so a new course for me and many others. a little shaky my first time out for sure. But I can honestly say that I feel happier and clearer and cleaner than I have felt since wizards of 2001, maybe even since masters of 95. very clean and clear and ‘in feel.’ feel a sense of joy and personal responsibility and capability that I don't know if I have ever felt before. just awesome.
there were kids everywhere on this course. it has really turned into a family thing now. Avatar babysitters with twenty kids of different ages and from all these different countries and speaking diff languages walking or skipping behind them. so cool!
current spin: west Indian girl. On astralwerks. California pussypop with whining stoner vocals. Not my thing. irrelevant.
3-26
Day eight
A shit day. went back in. deep. Found so much stuff inside. I'm not saying it was awful. Just hard to fathom how full of shit I am, or have been. Hard to look at yourself honestly and everything you do and stay neutral. I'm doing it. but it’s a challenge. Easy to find yourself wanting to go into resistance and pretend that everything is alright. But we know where that leads. So I just went in all day and really focused on getting the most from the tools and the processes and just went with the flow. I am slowly getting real and honest. Bigger picture = feels great. Smaller picture = feels shitty till some of the shock discreates.
I cannot believe how dishonest and ‘in react’ I have been the last few years. just so full of shit. so many things are clearer to me now. I am in awe of the understanding of myself I have now. no wonder. That's what you are left with. This feeling of ‘no wonder.’ Feeling like a hamster in a spinning wheel the last year or so. no wonder. Finally seeing why. fear creates dishonesty. Being afraid to show up, afraid to face what is real, of what's really happening, or afraid of what you imagine might happen. creates dishonesty. Even little bouts of dishonesty that we don't even notice within ourselves... dishonesty creates misalignment that pervades our entire lives. Conflicts, drama, confusion, and we have no idea what's going on or why we’re living the kind of life we’re experiencing. Mostly caused by fear. Fear then dishonesty then denial then asserting of the ego. More denial then conflicts and attacks with others etc.... the further down the spiral we go the further away from Source we get totally forgetting that when all is said and done we are all creating all of it. crazy. but luckily there is always a way out. that's where I'm at now. seeing the way out and headed for it full speed ahead.
all I can think of now is returning to take it one more time to get an even deeper clarity and understanding. This was a good wake up call. But I want to go deeper now and really get to the bottom of it all.
current spin: Benedictine monks – CHANT. Wow. Amazing.
3-25
Day seven
Flying all day. happy. filled with gratitude. For my family and friends and for this technology. And for myself for showing up and doing the work. I believe that this may have been the first time I have ever felt gratitude for myself. Up until this point I have always just kind of shit on myself internally and on most people as well. today I felt real joy and gratitude. Saw some light at the end of the tunnel I have been in the last year or two. Wow.
Current spin: George Michael, patience. So good to listen to him again. I remember hearing this song amazing in Europe two years ago and thinking ‘is that George Michael? Holy cow. I thought he was gone forever.’ I felt so good to hear him on the radio again.... I love him. if you can bounce back from that... well then, I suppose a person could bounce back from anything really.
3-24
day six
first day feeling alright, that I'm going to make it. Mission control we have lift off. The ego is starting to lift off of me for the first time in many years. or as Robbie Williams said the ego has landed. and I am coming at it from all angles with the tools and processes trying to even understand what it is or how I can get control of it. Coming back to myself little by little.... a little frightened that it will not last... that as soon as I get back into my life that I will start recreating the ego again. working on this automatic self persisting drama. Laughing at it now as I write it. good sign. Today was the take off day. feeling that high that you get from Avatar. More free attention, more personal responsibility, more joy and happiness, lighter feeling, increased feelings of alignment with others and with my own sense of higher self, more understanding of attacks and conflicts, more control of my attention, more control of my will, more understanding of who I have been and who I am showing up as, more gratitude, getting back to a state of loving and enjoying my music again... wow. This by far out of all the other amazing benefits I have begun to feel feels the most special. All day feeling like I am flying. Finally have enough free attention to begin to reach out to other people again and be present with them. long time since I had that feeling. Happy.
Working with others on your and their personal shit is not easy. challenging.
A few deaf people are here. working through lip reading and sign language. walked around with my ears plugged for a while to try to understand what they are going through. But I could still hear. Can the deaf understand music? can they even understand the concept of it? need to research current collected date and beliefs. similar to blind people and color. Can they know color? Understand the concept of it even?
3-23
day five
better today. a little bit more relaxed but still pretty upset and resistant to getting control of the ego. Has a huge hold on me. but through another day of exercises I became more aware of everything I do from the ego, to feed the ego, boost the ego, at the expense of my intuit ion and at the expense of everyone around me. I am in awe of what a selfish self serving bastard I have been. Especially the last few years. for the last two years I had not attended any courses thinking that I was pretty clear. that I had reached a certain state of spiritual prosperity... but I have a profound sense now how lost I have been the last year especially... feeling completely tossed about by life rather than in control of it --- no sense of living deliberately. I understand that there is a real need to have some kind of practice to stay clean. to stay clear and deliberate. It can be anything. Mediation religion whatever. for me Avatar has worked really well the last ten years. I just forget sometimes how important it is to come here and snuggle into this space with others and work on our shit. I hope I never forget again. Today I finally feel a little relief. owning our transgressions, owning our dramas and our stories and our justifications and our indiscretions is very freeing. This course is advanced work. For wizards who have already been through the other courses and are ready to really work on what's really up for them and what they really do and who they really are. Not for the faint of heart. but I'm staying in day to day sometimes hour to hour just trying to stay on course and follow along no matter uncomfortable. My ego is scared shitless for some reason and I feel almost like a victim of that fear. Running scared. But tomorrow will be another day and I have a feeling will be easier.
3-22
day four
holy shit. we got some new exercises today. explained a little more. turns out this is not about building you up like some of the other courses... but breaking the ego completely down – getting control of it, getting it in check. For me, forget about it. I have worked my ass off to build my ego up for the last few years thinking I had to in the business I am in and today I was in total resistance from just thinking about my ego. Struggling. Squirming in my chair like a little kid. the ego going fucking nuts. attacking other students on the course I was working with all day. lots of tears and screaming. Very defensive. Had to call a trainer a few times to help me integrate before I went crazy. lots of Anger. Shame. Pain. nauseous. Wanting to give up a few times. I cannot imagine ever being able to get control of my ego. Feels too big for me. much bigger than I am. Discovered that almost everything I do is to feed or boost my ego.
3-21
day three
complete overwhelm. The course is twelve hours a day working on conflicts we have in our lives, different dramas. actions we have done that have affected ourselves or others negatively, actions we take to persuade others something about ourselves, our dishonesties and manipulations of ourselves and others, things we do that we do not prefer... I'm not sure what's going on. Feel anger. Feel nauseous and want to hurt myself. I want to jump off a building or stab myself. Constant working on things we have done in the past or still do in the present that aren't so good. to own. this way we can own them and then let it all go. but it is building up and backing up in me. most of the time I feel either exhausted or in total resistance. This is my first time on this course. I have received so many letters and calls from friends from all over the world encouraging me to take this course over the last year. miracle stories from all over. But I have no idea what is coming up next or why we are doing what we are doing. All I know is that if I feel this much resistance that we are doing good work.
3-19-05
Orlando Florida
Avatar Integrity Course
Day 1
500 students, 40 countries
10:41pm
exhausted. Overwhelmed. Lighter, freer, but just exhausted and overwhelmed by the discoveries of the inner-workings of me; learning about the mechanisms of why we do what we do. who we are. each of us on our own. no indoctrination or dogma or theories even,,, just explorations and then discovery... some squirming, some tenseness, some tears, some laughter, a lot of ah hahs and a lot of relief. feel slightly clearer. Slightly. Still a lot of tension and fear about things that I perceive as ‘out of my control.’ Face looks lighter, less tenseness in it.
3-18-05
dude you'll never believe what I'm doing right now. I'm cleaning the bathtub. Crazy I know. I'm even picking up my own laundry from the floor to take it to the cleaners. Wow the ambassador is doing laundry. Well not really. But still. I am picking it up off the floor. A good start.
skid marks. How do our wives and girlsfriends deal with picking up our underwear with skidmarks on them? and even more importantly why don't they ever have skidmarks? What the hell is that all about?
3-17-05
more things to try: getting shot. Made a bet with Dasher that if the show gets picked up he has to shoot me. Will do the leg, least risk there we’re thinking. really want to see what that is like. Also drinking blood. Realized that I have tasted blood but never drank a large amount of blood before. so I have decided to make it happen. I hate the idea of things out there that I have never experienced. don't want to drink my own blood. That would be fucking weird. I asked Princess Little Tree if I could drink her blood. She asks inncocently with eyes wide, ‘well how much do you want to drink?’ ‘I don't know, maybe a pint. Enough for a full glass.’ ‘that much?!’ ‘well yeah. Don't worry. we’ll have you lay down while I extract your blood. That way if you feel faint you can just pass out. don't worry.’ ‘I'm not worried. If you're going to drink blood then better it be mine. But do you have to drink so much?’ ‘well how else are we supposed to see what its really like and how it makes us feel? might be something to it you know...’ so she tries to make me a deal that if she lets me drink her blood I will not deliberately get shot. But I would have none of it. ‘getting shot is too important to me. I told you that. I'm not going to live my whole life and not get shot. That's ridiculous.’ ‘no. what's ridiculous is you being shot on purpose.’ ‘well, we’ll film the whole thing so it won't be ridiculous at all. it will be an experiment. A really interesting experiment...’
Anyway Sunday morning is the spring equinox. And so Sunday morning we will wake up early and I will drink her blood. Have to research where the best place is to draw it from. I assume the arm. I am sure it will be very good. Princess Little Tree is a royal. I am sure royal blood tastes good.
Also decided that I would like to see what it is like to have sex with a man. Not make love or anything but just to be done up the ass by a man. I don't think its something I would actually like to do myself although I won't rule it out, but perhaps feel what it feels like to have it done. Perhaps both. I tell her this casually over a romantic indian dinner. She starts crying. Trying to hold back her tears in between bites. ‘I think this is too much for me...’ she says... ‘look, I told you it wasn't easy being with an artist and you have this whole preconception that its all poetry and flowers...’ ‘which it has been so far...’ ‘yes and as it will continue to be... but this is important. I just want to see what its like. You know, for the experience. Millions of guys are doing it. and back in the days of ancient Greece and Rome they used to do it all the time. so I just want to try it. who wants to live their whole life and not experience that?’ ‘she spits out her wine over the table. ‘what are you talking about man? Plenty of men I know wouldn’t want to experience that. can’t you have more normal goals to achieve like white water rafting or going to see the Caspian sea or something?’ ‘ I've already told you, things like that don't interest me a lot. there's plenty of time to hang in nature. Anyone can do that. but not many men are brave enough or adventurous enough to get done up the butt by another man... now that's an experience worth having.’ ‘you're crazy.’ ‘yes. and you knew that before we ever started seeing each other... trust me on this.’ ‘o.k. so let me get this straight... your friend Dasher is going to shoot you in the leg so you can feel what it feels like. You want to drink a pint of my blood and then you want to have another man sodomize you? and I'm supposed to sit here and enjoy dinner?’ ‘well yeah... its good isn't it? how is your food? Good right?’
3-16
the longer I know Cleopatra the more I realize my own foolishness and weakness for not allowing myself to see her true nature years before... I don't think I have ever met someone so full of it. if she doesn’t need anything she is quiet. non-communicative, not there for me at all. but when she wants something, she will call and be so nice on the phone it is as if she is a different person. now I don't even listen to her when she calls. don't ever get sucked in. I used to really internalize her problems, her pain, her sorrow of being. Always trying to be there for her. as a protector, as a father figure. But now... I can barely even listen to her when she speaks. I just feel almost no sincereity coming from her at all. I have an amazing array of close friendships with ex-girls. Very lucky in that. don't know where I went wrong with Cleo. Don't know if there was anything I could do different really. Last year on my birthday she called me ten times screaming about something or the other, not even aware that it was my birthday.... six years with someone and she is so absorbed in her day to day drama that she doesn’t remember its my birthday until I remind her.... of course she felt bad and emailed a million times afterwards apologizing... but it was too late... that was it really...the end of the line. it was the last time I ever took her seriously. for the last few years I really tried to hang on to Cleopatra because we were so close for so long. I think it was selfish on my part. Feeling that I really needed to be good friends with all my exs. But now I don't even care. That's a rather shallow goal in and of itself. I believe now that it is more important just to be friends with the people in your life who are really there for you, whether you spent a lot of time with them in the past or not. move on. It doesn’t mean the time we spent together wasn't good. because some of it was. but now is now. then was then. good lesson. Some people we are not meant to spend our whole lives with... even as friends. I know this also because the Italian Stallion doesn’t speak with me anymore. We live less then twnty blocks from one another but we just never speak. Who knows why. but I respect it. honor it. move on. Doesn’t mean I don't miss speaking with her. but you know, that's life. in our hearts I think, in our dreams, we still hold a very special place for everyone we have ever been close to. they are there in our hearts and in our mind’s eye always and forever.
3-15-05
So here we are in the mid-two thousands and the music world smack dab in the middle of an early eighties obsession/rehash as the twenty year cycle finally comes around again as it always does. Its actually more of a twenty-three year cycle I've noticed. Just as planned. Just as expected. Just as always. The current buzz bands franz Ferdinand the killers modest mouse vhs or beta and secret machines is a none too subtle rearrangement/amalgamation of the music we all grew up listening to when we were kids in the early to mid eighties. (the two-thousands currently obsessing/swallowing the eighties (just as the seventies was obsessed with the fifties (happy days, lavern and Shirley, sha na na, etc...) the eighties obsessed on the sixties (Woodstock revivals and constant documentaries about the sixties culminating with the peak of the grateful dead’s success in 1990 and the entire country dropping acid again for one or two solid summers in 1989 and 90 and the nineties obsessed on the seventies (remember the bee gees, disco and bell bottoms were the WORST things you could say, or perhaps the funniest, for a brief twenty years and then the nineties hit and they all of a sudden became the rage all over again... the nineties was all about disco and funk and seventies rock and pop revival etc...)) This new two-thousands obsession with the eighties that is going on now though is very obvious. A lot of these bands don't even hide it. they might as well be the new cure or new order or smiths albums... Perhaps it always was like this and maybe I'm just starting to get astute enough to be able to notice it.
Anyway, plenty of good original stuff being made. God so much. Music so amazing now. joyzipper is a new fav of mine right now. Belle and Sebastian’s new one. keane is great. Muse – my favorite!!!! They are amazing and sound like no one except Jeff Buckley. Coldplay don't sound like anyone. I mean, obvious a strong U2 influence there but just great music. travis is always good. Ours – what will become of ours? will he ever break?
So I'm walking home at midnight and I'm listening to all this new eighties revival music that is so popular now that people think is new... and I'm thinking about **** from **** records being cool enough to invite me up to his office to listen to the latest hottest music... so we could compare the new transcendence album to what's hot now. and I'm thinking man there is no way me and the guys are going to start making music like this. its just not in us. we can’t force something that we aren't. I don't think any of us ever really got into the eighties music when it was popular let alone now twenty years later.
The working title for the new CD has been Cinematique for the last six months. But lately I have been thinking about Dying Van Gogh. I'm walking home and I'm thinking you know we have a chance here... I mean there's an inkling of a chance in the stars right now... they are twinkling... down upon us.... so do we go for it and just go for another modern rock record that is in tune with the times or do I just do what I want... which is really to go back to more of a rise and shine vibe... I really want to take the modern rock tunage we already laid down and incorporate a lot of the Italian music I was digging into last year and the year before, along with all the Persian classical music I have been digging into lately and the French sensibility (I don't hear that they actually have a sound of their own except for the electronica/chill out vibe they are so good at right now...) and throw it all together. also really into the idea of starting to mix all the different languages together not just on an album from song to song like people do but actually just do it all within each song. kind of like I did with the song Caetano at the end, but really let go and let it rip and just go for it and pay no attention to having any particular language predominate on the new CD.... certainly not English... just let it all go... like an acid trip really... or better... a heroin trip. Or an Oliver stone movie...
So yes... I'm thinking this and what I'm thinking is what Dasher told me not four hours earlier at the coffee shop... “Bro, I think your music is brilliant and catchy as all fuck. Seriously. and I love where you come from as an artist. Your mindset... But my biggest concern for you as a friend is that you are never going to hone it in enough with a recognizable sound that people are going to be able to latch onto... that's my worry about you. you're alienating too many people with your quest to do things different... why don't you just make one totally modern sounding album where all the songs sound the same?” and so yeah we could come out with a modern American English speaking new CD and just try to go for it ... but how inspired am I going to be by that? or we could just go for something completely original and try to stay inspired and cutting edge in our own hearts and well then yeah, the title Dying van Gogh might be rather suitable because that may be exactly where I'm headed as an artist. Dead and broke at sixty a total unknown... but happy I guess... broke and unknown but fulfilled as an artist...
Current spin: café tacuba new one. this band is amazing!!!!! wow. Where the hell are they from? Argentina? Really good stuff.
3-14-05
in the subway. Ipod blaring in my ears. I can’t hear a thing around me. just this pounding music. so I'm watching everyone.... I see a strange response around me from many people. I take off an earbud and hear that we are now stuck in the middle of a fucking tunnel two full stories underneath the ground and we will be here for at least fifteen minutes because the train in front of us is broken... talk about a freak out. everyone is freaking out. standing up and trying to calm down... eventually people calm down. There is no way out...
I watch as everyone is reading their various things. a girl next to me is studying some textbook. And a gril acrss the way is reading some magazine article and a guy is reading some science fiction book and someone else is reading some technical manual for his job. And I'm thinking... I'm so sick of the way humanity still is... with this way we have to read everything...we’re so primitive. Still having to read and type. We’re just not getting it at all. we’re so not there. so totally unconvinced that this is the ultimate method for obtaining data, of downloading data into our internal hard drives of our brain. Its like we’re a bunch of cavemen still. each of us supposed to major in something so we can do that as our job and we have to sit here and read all this shit and learn it so we can do that as our job.... the matrix movie really had it with the whole concept of plugging in or jacking in and downloading whole knowledge banks into our brains. When will this happen? and why the fuck do I have to sit here and type? Its so fucking frustrating. So old school. So last century. There has to be a better way.
Just as mark twain used to have to sit and hand write and then later say tom Robbins had to sit and type on a typewriter we too are still totally trapped by our having to sit and type into a computer. If only I could plug my brain into a machine that would allow my thoughts to instantly transfer to the page...
Current spin: The streets new one. very cool.
3-13-05
I swear to God my French teacher is going to make me hate their country. I cannot endure another day of her shallow snobbery and complete lack of passion.
So in honor of her... Something funny from the inbox:
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour.
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman. Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport"
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer loud enough to draw attention. The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.”
Current spin: the Killers, hot fuss. I like it. reminds me of the early eighties. Being a kid again...i think that's why they hit. Because it takes so many people back to that time...
3-12-05
went to breakfast by myself this morning. Just to relax. There was a table with a family sitting next to me. dad, mom, three kids. The kids were all speaking at the same time. total chaos. i was overwhelmed by it. I tried to picture myself there at the table. As the father. The idea made me anxious. The kid something like ‘dad? Can we go to la after this?’ I thought to myself, God I would never be able to put up with that. we’re in New York. la isn't close to New York. but that's kids I guess. You just deal with it. for all I know because its your own kid you think its cute. Would I think that was cute? Could i? would I turn out like all the other people who think their kid is the cutest and the smartest? The thought made me feel nauseous. I felt like I had to go throw up. I tell myself I want three kids. But how the hell am I going to have three kids? I'm too selfish. I'm too absorbed in my own work. In my own ideas. How do you give that up? start living through other beings rather than through yourself... I have to throw up. I need coffee. Its too early to think about this. I cannot take the thought of it. me sitting around a table with a bunch of kids talking about nothing. Not doing anything substantive... I could not handle it... the only thing that could ever bring me to that, as much as I fantasize about it in the back of some alternative mind I keep in me somewhere, would be the love for a woman so strong that I forget myself entirely. I used to feel such a rush for that, such longing; and though that still lingers, now I savor each moment that exists before her inevitable appearance.
A half hour later I noticed the family had left. I was at peace for the moment. and then sitting in front of me I noticed this old white man with hearing aids in his ears sitting with this young black woman. they were talking small talk. They didn't know each other. She must be his nurse. Hired through some service to get him around. He was that old. He was saying things like ‘did you know my first name was Joe?’ ‘nooooo. I didn't know that... how funny...’ My God I'm going to throw up again... I thought. So that's what its like when you're old and you don't have any family and you're forced to go to breakfast with a nurse that you don't even know... fuck. I realized the irony... damned if I do. and damned if I don't.
Last screening: stealing beauty. If you want to watch a director who is so in love with himself that he doesn’t realize that he is making a really bad movie watch either of the last two star wars installments, but this one comes damn close. If there was a movie there I missed it because he was so obsessed with shoving it down our throats how pretty he thought liv tyler was.
3-11-05
The Poet calls me. About that movie what the bleep do we know.
“Dog. did you see it?”
“yeah. Heard it all before. but cool that its hitting the masses now...”
“well some cat, who’s gay by the way, not that that means anything, here totally destroys it in a recent review in the paper. says its garbage and not scientific... I wondered what you thought about it...”
“Look man I didn't even like the movie. You know. I fell asleep. But to try to discount the scientific theories that that movie is talking about is ridiculous. These aren't even new theories. Scientists have been talking about them for years. since the late eighties when that whole “science meets metaphysics” concept first started. Books like the Tao of physics and dancing with the wu li masters... so this guy you're talking about is an idiot to try to even discount it... sure it was a boring movie... ameturish. I'll give you that. but c'mon. At this point its obvious we’re controlling a lot of what were experiencing through some sort of unconscious or semi-conscious manipulation of molecules with our mind energy.... it’s a given... I don't have the time to argue with these idiots anymore if they don't get it...”
“I thought you'd say that. you would think so.”
“maybe the guy is just pissed that he was born gay and feels trapped by it, you know, genetically... so he refuses to accept that we have any control of our own destinies and would rather have a fatalist attitude about life....”
“I don't know. but he just says that there is no scientific proof that we can have any control at all of the molecular nature of the world...”
“yeah, well then he's been living in a fucking cave for the last twenty years. cause everyone's talking about it now. I'm not saying that were doing it all a hundred percent. You know. I mean lets be real. If we were controlling our own destinies I wouldn’t be talking to you from an office... I'd be in the back of a limo with a glass of Cristal in my left hand and there’d be three Swedish sixteen year olds going down on me...”
sixteen year olds? Wow. I like that man. Tell it like it is.
hey why hold back man. You know what I mean. but I'm not in the back of a limo..
with three Swedish sixteen year olds going down on you?
exactly. so obviously we aren't controlling our destinies a hundred percent... but c'mon man... I've learned enough. I've seen enough... obviously we’re controlling a good portion of it... at this point a lot of people can see that... can feel it. there's no question about it. regardless of what certain scientists are going to say. Some of them will be the last to let on that they get it. because it defies the laws of current scientific thought. And that's their job. God bless them because that's what they're there for.
“It just goes to show how far off our scientific knowledge of the day can be...”
Exactly.
Right now, here in Atlanta Georgia there are schools that because of supposed scientific knowledge certain schools are not allowed to teach evolution...
Exactly. unbelievable. And according to current scientific knowledge of the sixteen hundreds Galileo was thrown into jail in Florence because he said the earth revolved around the sun. so go figure. So that's current scientific knowledge for you. Right now we assume the earth revolves around the sun. But for all we know, there's another body that the sun is revolving around but we just can’t see it because its too big or too small or it exists in some other dimension... who the fuck knows? Current scientific knowledge is only as good as people are willing to extend their imagination beyond it...
Well said Mr. Ambassador. Dude. The universe is fucking expanding. Have you ever thought about that?
Yeah, I know. fucked up. makes me anxious. I have to take a valium when I think about it. how can you feel grounded when you think about that? I just wish everything would stop moving for a while.
My dreamy lover... how I miss you... lets go out tonight. lets eat Indian food and fall asleep on each others laps listening to music in a public place...
3-10-05
Went to an opening party of a new Brasilian art space and club. Free caipirinha all night so we we’re pretty wasted. Went with polar bear, a new friend, who is some kind of mad genius inventor/designer guy. incredible conversation. I love New York. walking around the city going from cool place to cool place. talking about fellini versus Bertolluci. Brian eno’s musical contribution versus his intellectual contribution.... And why pink Floyd shouldn’t be on my desert island list but the squarepushers should be. and does good art need a cohesive narrative-through-line... or can it exist on its own... of course I prefer the latter theory, seeing that I have never been able to master the art of good narrative through-lines. And when I have attempted it I have always failed miserably... at least if you are to believe the critics... I sat around Miami for three years hoping to have one fucking conversation like that and after a while thought there was something wrong with me because the town is so thoroughly devoid of intellect. But God did I try. Here in New York they are as commonplace as breathing in or out.... God I love New York.
Current spin: green day, American idiot. they're starting to grow up. dig it. this is the next generation of what post-punk can be. the fucking drumming is awesome. tres cool.
3-09-05
Things I have learned from being poor the last six months.
o.k. I'm not really poor. I live on the Upper East Side in Manhattan and our record label’s headquarters are on park avenue. But the truth is that I haven't been able to make ends meet in almost a year. never have enough to eat. always eating toast or oatmeal or cereal. Very sad. Every month it’s a fucking stretch. Everyone I know offers to send me money everyday. But I have really enjoyed the process of climbing back up. I believe I'm in this position for a reason so I have really tried to look for and enjoy the learning. I had not been financially struggling for a long time so this is all very new to me. on the one hand I throw myself full on into my work, and on the other I really try to grab at the lessons along the way, knowing I am here at this place for a reason.
One of the things I have decided to do is start using cash for everything so I could get an idea of what money actually is. for the past ten years I lived on credit cards attached to an expense account. I would use the cards till they declined and then I would whip out another card. When they all declined I would ask for more money and they would be refilled. I know. lucky me. but no longer. So I have decided to use cash for everything. no more cards. So even if I am buying dinner I pay for it in cash. There is nothing like learning the real value of things and the actual cost of things than paying for it in cash. When you pay for things with a card you really have no tangible idea what you are actually paying for it. it is unreal. With cash it becomes very real. I get two hundred bucks in my pocket and 36 hours later it is gone. Now that is fucking real. You feel it. that's been good for me. traumatic but good.
What else? well I have really started to see the value of money. even a dollar. I used to give twenties away to homeless people just for asking. Hearing that Charlie sheen gives away hundreds, I figured twenties was the least I could do. now I give less. Understanding that a dollar is a dollar. It has value.
I never paid attention to things like price before. I always just bought whatever I wanted and never bothered to look at the price. Now I look at prices. I am not saying I comparison shop yet. but I am coming close. I am looking at prices of things.
I am being pickier with what I buy and when I buy it. this feels good. again, I am learning that money has a value. Things have a value.
There are a lot of things that I want that I cannot buy. Although it frustrates me I must say I am enjoying it. sometimes I want a haircut but I cannot get it. I used to go to John sahag to get my haircut and again soon I will I am sure. It used to cost me $300 for cut and dye. the funniest thing is that I used to fly from Miami to New York and stay in a hotel just to go to John sahag. So it really used to cost me about a thousand for my hair. Now I go to this local place close to my apt and it costs me $50 and I swear you cannot tell the difference. This is cool.
So now I have to wait to buy stuff I want. This is teaching me about patience and discipline and being frugal and being honest about where you are. I like this.
I used to spend about fifty bucks on dinner every night. tonight I had a bowl of oatmeal and a few bowls of cereal for dinner. I never understood fast food places. Now I do. sometimes they are all you can manage that day. and you really appreciate them when you are able to afford them.
I am learning to really appreciate other people who don't have money. for a while there I had this attitude that making money was easy and I never understood people who didn't have money. I just thought they were missing something. but it was me who was missing something. lately I have found it harder to make money and I really hate it but at the same time I really like it too because it helps me understand that sometimes you can work really hard and still not make enough money.
And the thing is that people are people no matter if they have money or not. I never got this before. I get it now. we’re all the same. Sometimes you can’t just make money for a while and it sucks but its o.k. you're still a cool person. I am starting to feel closer to regular people.
I am learning the value of our time as it relates to our ability to make money. our time really is money. I used to come down pretty hard on my assistants for not getting the job done fast enough. And all of my employees. But now I am doing everything myself save but a few jobs like web design and graphics and such and I am really starting to understand that getting things done is not that easy sometimes. I used to say to Lena, hey you’re pretty fucking tense, why don't you get a massage? And she would say with what money boss? Well now I haven't had a massage in six months. I understand this now. Next time I have a large staff I will not be such a prick. Good stuff.
Money = our ideas + our time + our energy. You have to have discipline. You have to make good use of your time. you have to make good use of your ideas. You have to actually do something about your ideas. That's where energy comes in. and time. and that's WILL and DISCIPLINE. No one is going to make you make money, unless its making money for them. you have to force yourself to do it. I hate it but I love the learning.
I used to enter into a lot of business deals and contracts and hire people just because I felt obligated to do so. just to be a good guy. now I can’t do that anymore. I really have to pay attention to what will work and what is necessary versus what I just want to do to be a good guy. again, this is good stuff. learning a lot.
Another thing. I notice now in reflecting that I used to use money to feel good. nothing new in that. except when you get to the other side of it and really understand that that's what you were doing. Going to money instead of going inside to get to the bottom of whatever is making you feel bad. If I was having a bad day or feeling lonely I would go buy shit. again nothing new. listen to modern urban music. that's all they sing about. sex and buying shit. but at some point you gotta go deeper than that. When you don't have any money you can’t be buying shit to feel good. you gotta find alternatives. You gotta go inside and see what its about. take a walk or something. I like that. I'm learning how to recognize when I'm feeling blue and tackle it right there rather than just go on a shopping spree to feel better. In the end that's not going to help much anyway. Just postpones the examination and prolongs the pain. then you end up rich and unhappy or snotty or snobby or rude or mean. certainly not a well-integrated happy person. so I'm digging this not having money thing a lot right now. learning a lot. I can’t complain about it.
Current spin: lenny Kravitz, baptism. This is a great LENNY ALBUM. Its been a while, but this is a really good album. You just have to get over his penchant for platitudes and clichés and generally sophomoric lyric writing (sorry lenny but nothing I wouldn’t tell you chilling). But the music is just awesome. yes its totally seventies rock and funk still and you can totally hear where he's coming from. But its really that good. you are not going to believe it.
`
Last screening: American splendor. Paul did a great job. What Harvey did is very similar to the Transcendence Diaries. he just talked about what was going on day to day. But I didn't even finish this film. made me feel like I wanted to shoot myself in the fucking head.
3-9-05?
Last night, tonight... When was this?
I was falling asleep, perhaps I was asleep... I was praying. I told myself I was praying... was I asleep? I spoke...
God
Yes
God its me. its Fishy.
I know.
Do I always have to introduce myself like that? God why do I always feel as though I need to introduce myself.
Silence.
God I don't feel inspired. Yes that's it. I need to focus on this. God help me to feel more inspired. fill me with inspiration.
Silence.
How can I not feel inspired? if anyone is inspired, certainly it would be me.
Silence.
If I'm not inspired what more could I possibly need?
Silence.
God.
Yes.
Are you mad at me?
Silence.
Have I done something wrong?
Silence. Then, you know.
Yes I know. you're mad at me for my recent ranting and raving against you in the diaries....
Yes. not mad.
But you're upset. You aren't happy with me...
A knowing of yes.
But I thought that you wanted me to do that? I thought that I was on a mission of some kind.
You are. but you are missing the point.
I am missing the point. How am I missing the point...
I exist. you pray to me. you pray to me nightly. But you are leading people away from me everytime you write lately. you are misleading people by constantly asserting that I do not exist.
But you get the point. I get the point. People will get the point.
Will they?
Well I don't know. I assume they will. I mean, o.k. you exist. I pray to you. I talk to you all the time. its true. I was born with the faith so I take it for granted. The God thing.
You take it for granted because you have the gift of faith. But you assume that everyone else also has this faith. so you preach against me assuming that everyone will get the point that you really aren't preaching against me... so what exactly are you doing?
Well now that you put it that way... God...
Yes.
I know what I'm doing. I know you know what I am doing. My intention is pure God.
I know it is.
O.k. so tell me what to do then. I want to be doing the right thing.
Don't lead people away from me.
I began to cry. I don't know if I was really crying or just crying in my heart. God, I wasn't trying to lead people away from you really...
I know... but perhaps you need to redefine what you are doing and why you are doing it...
What was I doing? What am I doing? I am trying to steer people away from religion. That's for sure. God I fucking hate religion. God is that o.k.?
Its o.k. for you. have you ever considered that religion may be the only way that certain people can find a way to me?
No. but I see it now...
But you persist in rallying against religion at every opportunity.
Yes. well I hate religion God. this is not something new to you. you know how I feel. I will never be sold on religion. The closest I could ever come to religion is the writing of lao tsu. There is no secret in that. you know my heart more than anyone. I'm not going to convert to any religion God. not like my father. Not now. not ever. My father is a ridiculous fool. Being a logical pragmatist and materialist agnostic all his life and then converting to Christianity in his later years... what a cop out, what a sell out. like king Charles the second converting to Catholicism just before he died. Fuck that. I'm not that. I will be religious.
So you assume you know your whole life before you have even begun to live?
I believe I do. if I ever convert to a religion, strike me dead.
Do you mean that?
No. God. no. of course I don't. I'm just talking. forget I said that.
Forgotten.
But I would prefer to lead us forward. Do you know what I mean God? I would prefer to lead us to a more evolved state God. I know you know what I mean... why are you arguing with me?
I feel a Smile. Am I arguing with you? who is arguing?
I am free to do whatever I want to aren't I?
Silence.
Of course I am. I know it. free will. I could die tomorrow an atheist and still meet God. wow. Think about that. because I wouldn’t really be an atheist. I would just be saying I am an atheist. I would just be pretending...
Yes.
God?
Yes.
Tell me what to do then. I don't care. I just want to do the right thing. God I just want to fucking be happy.
I know you do. then stop.
Stop? I get it. I didn't wait for an answer. I thought about it. stop. Stop preaching against God. but what about humanity rising up to realize our true divinity... how do I persist in that mission... I cannot let go of that mission... but I have to do it the right way...
Can humanity rise to realize its own divinity and still know God?
I heard it. I listened to it. I thought about it. can God still exist if humankind realizes its own godness? That is the question. I do not have an answer for this. I would like to know what to do but I don't know what to do.
Is that o.k.?
Sure. I'm tired. I don't have to solve this now. I can go to sleep. God?
Yes.
Thank you. I'm going to do the right thing.
I know.
3-08-05
The New Lords Prayer
Ourselves who art on earth
Hallowed be our name
Our kingdom come
Our will be done
On earth
As we are in heaven
Give us this day
Our daily bread
We forgive ourselves our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
We lead us not into temptation
And we deliver all from evil
For ours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory
Forever and ever
Amen
Yes. that's more like it. its not the new LORDS PRAYER. It’s the NEW LORDS prayer. We are the NEW LORDS.
Current spin: Jorge Ben jor, puro suingie. Roughly translates to ‘pure groove.’ And pure groove it is indeed. In the end its always going to come down to the Brasilian cats. They just have IT. this is where it all begins for Jorge Ben.... this is THE CD where it all started.
3-07-05
Look, I love you. I love what we have. this... is sacred. You hear that.
Yes
that.
What?
But you understand that I am an artist. Right?
Yes.
And you know what that means?
I don't know what you mean. I think I do.
But I don't know if you do really. And it makes me worry about you.
You don't need to worry about me.
But I do. its not easy. I mean... being with an artist... I can’t be like other guys. do you know that?
Yes. that's what I love about you.
I know. you love that now. but you're going to grow to hate it.
How do you know what I am going to feel like? Why don't you just let me be me?
O.k. I will. But you know how I want to go live in France for a while and live this artist’s life? and to Africa? And to Amsterdam?
Yes. and I want you to do that.
But you know. there's more to it than that. you know.
What do you mean?
Well what I mean is that its not all just about going to school during the day to learn a foreign language and recording in the studio and sitting in a café to write for a few hours. I mean. its really throwing your arms around the world you know. its about love affairs with nameless girls and stumbling home drunk with an empty bottle in your hand in the middle of the night kicking mud puddles and whistling after some debauched romp in the hay with some girl you’ll never see again...
Are you trying to disgust me?
No. and that's my point. To me that's not disgusting. Its beautiful. its inspiring. that's the stuff that songs are made of. And I am afraid that I need that. and I don't want you to be hurt. That's what I'm trying to say. And that's what I've been trying to say for months now... and I haven't known how to say that to you without hurting you or jeopardizing what we have. because I love what we have. but I also love who I am and who I want to be...
Well how does this fit in with your goal of wanting to get married and have children?
Well, it doesn’t. and I guess that's why I've never been married... and maybe... I don't know... I guess I would have to get that out of my system first wouldn’t i?
Yes. I would hope so.
And I thought of dear julia. The only girl I have ever known who would hear something like that and respond ‘well for gods sake go do it and have fun and tell me all about it when you get back...’ God bless dear julia. If julia isn't the wife she certainly is the perfect soulmate. And for the life of me I cannot shake the fact that I am absolutely fine with that.
Ok, so not all is hunky-dory in the world of Iran. Or even close for that matter. I don't think anyone is saying that this a tranquil p lace of American loving peace loving hippies. just read this article entitled Iran and the Palestinian War Against Israel: Implications of the Karine-A Affair, By Michael Rubin. It can be found on the Internet. The point is that Iran is now sponsoring more terrorism than ever. I don't want peeps thinking that because I was speaking up against the deceptive practices and injustices committed against Iran by the United States that I was saying that the current regime occupying Iran is a good one or that I am in any way supporting who they are and what they stand for. for all we know or the people who have lived under this regime for the last twenty years things are just as bad as they were under the shaw who they overthrew. And the worst part is that the people there now, they get arrested and whipped just for simple things like playing cards, drinking alcohol, having parties at their homes or listening to western music, wearing jeans, or going out into the streets “uncovered.” Absolutely crazy. you want to hear something really whacked? The chicks there man, if they are accused of a crime they can be arrested, whipped and then executed. But by law you cannot execute a virgin... so you guessed it... the men in charge first marry the girl, then have sex with her, then send her family some “dowry” money (often as low as $5) and then they execute her. this can be for something as simple as speaking up against the government or the Muslim religion. Crazy indeed. For all its corporate greed, blatant media lies, cover-ups, and manipulations, and crass commercialism, America seems not half bad at all in comparison. Of course that's the way its always been and that's why we love the old red white and blue so much but that doesn’t mean and shouldn’t mean that we should overlook our own problems here either. Long live the revolution.
Current spin: lenny Kravitz, baptism. This is his BEST ALBUM SINCE LET LOVE RULE!!!! BUT BETTER!!!! THIS ALBUM ROCKS.
3-05-05
for the record:
Read this from CNN:
Syria will withdraw all its forces in Lebanon to the Bekaa Valley area, closer to the Syrian-Lebanese border, Syrian President Bashar Assad said today. The move comes after the United Nations, the Arab League, the United States, France, Russia, Saudi Arabia and Egypt all stepped up pressure on Damascus to quit Lebanon.
O.k. now read this from CNN the same day:
China : No independence for Taiwan. BEIJING, China -- Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao opened the annual session of the National People's Congress in Beijing by saying a planned anti-secession law would never permit independence for Taiwan.
Same day both news items being reported. same situation. completely different circumstances and outcome. Why? why isn't anyone forcing china to give Taiwan their independence? hhhmmm...
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It is not our responsibility to feed the hungry, nor clothe the naked, nor house the homeless. It is not our responsibility to reform the delinquent or heal the sick or subsidize the poor. Truly, one could confidently argue that it is not even our responsibility to take care of our own selves. That is why when a person falls down you offer them a hand up but you don't force them up. the only thing I can think of that anyone has a responsibility to do in this life is to avoid hurting others. people may argue that one has a responsibility to not hurt oneself as well, but there's just no basis to that idea. if a person wants to spend this life or a portion of it hurting themselves, they have the right to do that. lets face it, masochism is fun. as painful as it can be, there is pleasure in it or we wouldn’t be so into it. it is part of the wheel of life. all of it, the whole life, is for exploring and appreciating and experiencing...
Now with all this said, i will add that it may be true that we have no responsibility to do any of these things, but we do have the right to do them if we choose to. And what's more, as we grow as people/life-forms/beings/creators, we come to understand that there is great joy in it; that it may not be our responsibility to help others, but inside there is a calling that feels almost as if it is our duty.
So no man, there is nothing wrong with being a capitalist, with being selfish, with being self absorbed or self concerned or unconcerned with the welfare of others around the world. we have every right to let a person in the same town we live in die of hunger one day while we throw away our leftovers from dinner that night. that's just the way of the world we live in. that is nature’s way. But one can feel, somewhere deep within, something subtle and profound that beckons to us, something that sparkles with an understanding that we, humanity, can transcend nature if we want to. only if we want to. and often times we do not want to. But if we want to, we can. we, above all other life forms that we currently know of in the known universe, have the awareness, the ability, and sometimes even the desire to, transcend the natural world that we were born into.
So this is where the desire to feed the hungry and house the poor and the rest of it comes from. from this understanding. Not from an imagined obligation or responsibility, but from an inner calling to continually evolve and to transcend who we are and who we are all being.
Dear Jules,
Early AM
I was just running a process in the bath. Just before that I was speaking with my mom about you and explaining exploring with her how you feel like my twin in so many ways... not like a lover-soulmate mind you, but like a twin-soulmate. In the way we think and feel. I'm not sure if I have ever met someone who thinks more like me as much as we are both so liberal-minded, eccentric, caring, forward thinking, etc I was telling her... in fact, I told her, take my liberal viewpoints and multiply them times two or three and that is Juliet. This is a good thing. a rare thing. but this is the space where revolution and evolution come from. And people like Juliet are very important to the world. o.k. so that was that. just idle talk. Just told her it would be nice if one day you all could hang... that she would appreciate you as a person.
O.k. so then I started processing (that means using some Avatar tool/exercise/technique/whatever to explore/create or discreate something) something that was very heavy for me. huge. Just fucking huge. It literally spanned my entire life. I don't feel like typing about it but would love to share it with you over the phone. but that's the thing about beliefs... they can last your whole life or good portion of them and we operate through them and are not aware of it. but one thing I have noticed is that now after ten years of processing I am hitting major lifetime beliefs that span my entire life sometimes and during the processing I am aware of and actually see/feel myself in other stages of my life, like when I was a baby or when I was a young boy and I laugh/cry/expand/discreate for them and with them during the process. It is really quite miraculous, healing, releasing, and clearing. To heal/help/improve an entire lifetime in five minutes of concentrated effort.
Eventually I got through the creation/belief... discreated it... felt it leave/dissolve/disappear-from my mind/body and the span of my entire life-past-and-future.. man I don't know if this makes any sense to you but... I was inside of it and deeply meditative and I got this “hit” (I hate using that term because it seems so new-agey but sometimes it is very appropriate) that “Juliet needs to do Avatar now. You need to encourage her more to make it a goal now and not put it off as her friend.”
Anyway that was it. it was just this huge emotional message that like landed very firmly in my head/ears/heart-- but not audibly -- just this information download that came BAM into my heart – like from all past and future lives landing at once in me in that moment that told me to tell you that this is what you are looking for and that the time is now at this point when you are at this point in your life when you are looking and searching and wondering and open and vulnerable and free and not to put it off but to make it happen, that you would get what you were looking for out of it... and that the time is now. that the “break,” the “message,” the “clarity,” the “solution” you are seeking is there.
O.k. so I'm telling you what I was told to tell you. but allow me this caveat Jules please: I do not normally say this stuff to people. just so you know. I mean, I never talk to my band about it or any other people I work with or hang with or any of that. maybe I should but I just don't. its my own personal thing... I figure people are going to come to whatever they need on their own or through some kind of however word of mouth or whatever but I don't necessarily run around talking to everyone or anyone really about Avatar or their personal or spiritual shit. you know? its just not me. I like to play the singer and not much more. So just so you know, this is not my MO normally. Avatar especially is something very special and it isn't for everyone. [I would say that for 90% of the people out there its just too much to think about and the biggest obstacle they are going to encounter is their belief that they do not control their reality but that someone or something else does -- usually a God or fate or the universe or karma or luck... so when they learn about Avatar they freak out and think it’s a ridiculous concept or downright evil because they have some belief that tells them that they do not and cannot create their own reality. So for them you know, unfortunately that is precisely what they will experience in this life.]
But that's not you obviously Jules. I'm sorry in a way for not speaking to you earlier about it. as I said its just not my thing usually to go there. But I just really got this hit to tell you to run and make it happen and it will be this major thing for you as it was for me... that as your friend I need to encourage you to do it and also help you do it as much as I can as far as planning and any other way that I can be of service of to you.
Perhaps its just because I feel such a kinship with your soul that I share with you. Or perhaps that is all a load of crap. who knows. (the soul... I wouldn’t even swear to that being a real thing... for all I know we are just skin and bones... no better or worse for it (that even sounds like you.) but what I do know now here is that wow what a fucking loud and clear message that was for me. it was hypnotic. So there you go sister. God I feel excited right now. I love you.
Fishy
Current spin: Mathieu Boggaerts, 2000. I have been frantically searching for GOOD French music... something to sink my teeth into so I can get really inspired and absorbed by the French to facilitate my learning better. Well this is great stuff. not rock. Just light pop. But really good. very sixties lounge pop.
3-04-05
today at the cigar lounge they were playing the Beatles blue album... or maybe it was the number ones album. Whatever. reminded me. hadn't heard them in years. What's the deal with Paul? He has this whole worry about not being regarded as important as John in history... wants to reverse the Lennon-McCartney writing credits for all the songs he wrote so he is more distinguished for his contributions... I love Paul so much that I am rather biased and could never think anything bad about him. but I hate that about his thinking. I was thinking about this because this is the 25th anniversary of johns death believe it or not. crazy. and I was thinking about how important John seems still today and you know comparing it to Paul and the truth is that Paul does it to himself. I love his Beatles and wings songs... but I mean, number one, his lyrics, he never seems to take lyric writing very seriously does he. Always takes the easy way out. even his best songs never got to the heart of the matter like John did with plastic ono band album or imagine... or walls and bridges etc... or even double fantasy. Also, when he is in public he always manages not to say anything... he never speaks up about anything as John did. I mean if wants to be regarded as smart and pithy and concerned and all that as John was and is then why not start speaking up more... start saying something. John was just so out there. so vocal and so open. and Paul always just seems so non-committed to speaking out. I suppose that is part of his charm, his ability to not turn anyone off... but in the end, if you really want to turn people on, you're going to end up turning a few off.
The thing about New York is that it is the most friendly city in the world most of the time. but it is a very competitive city as well. no one is going to give you any handouts. Its all business. and today I really felt that. you have to climb your way to the top. Just living here, you're “there” already. you're at the top. But that's really when the challenge begins. can you do it? can you climb up and make something of yourself? Because in New York people aren't really interested in people who haven't made something of themselves. You’ve either got it and its something that people want, or you don't. and you're going to notice that. fast.
3-03-05
Our manager called today. ***** record’s London office called about releasing the new CD. brought up my age as a downside to the group if you can fucking imagine. For years we were always too “green” or too young. And now all of a sudden I am too old... I'm only the fucking singer and songwriter, right, so dispensable. There is this thing about age and the music biz... we must find a way to open these turtles up a bit, get them to catch up to speed before they destroy everything we love about music entirely. some of the best music in the world is being made by girls and guys in their forties or fifties or sixties (sting, bowie, u2, Lou, Dave Matthews –how old is that guy anyway? Stones, Caetano, David Byrne, prince, Aimee Mann, on and on.... But these suits are just absolutely fucking clueless most of the time. I used to never think that because I never wanted to come off like or think I was some jaded or cynical wannabe bastard that could do nothing but complain. I have achieved enough now in my art, at my craft, that I don't have that worry anymore – I mean, that's just not me, one day I woke up and realized that I wasn't going to be one of those ‘oh look at my cool vintage t-shirt I bought on eBay’ kind of cynical pseudo-cool people who cut everyone and everything down that is successful... that's just not me... I don't have to resist anymore I guess because I know its not me....
but I gotta say, its true what they say about the record execs... most of these guys are just fucking clueless about music or art. They're looking and listening for money, not for soul... Not all of them, but a lot of them. we’re lucky in that we know a few who are really cool. But man... go to the underbelly of the beast and you just won't believe what you will find in the corporate music world... (turn on MTV and see all the sort-of-long-hair bands that last year were short-hair bands that the year before were spiked-hair bands that a few years before that were shaved head bands who years before were super-long-hair bands, and you will see the belly of the beast that has ruined commercial music to the point where everyone is walking around wondering why music sucks so bad even though it really doesn’t – its just gone underground... its on Internet radio and satellite radio now.)
One minute a guy is jumping up and down raving about the new disc and in the next he is worried about how to cover up for the fact that the lead singer is over 30. we are truly an youth obsessed society right now, always have been, which is too bad because for all the beauty of youth, it offers us very little else in the way of stimulation or inspiration. The exces just need to get a fucking clue and realize that we love music. people love music. we all love music. we need music. we adore music. for many of us, music is very important to our fucking lives. And we don't care who is making it half as much as we just want the music to be good and honest and real and speak to us in that really special way that our favorite music does... they gotta spend a lot less time looking for youth and a lot more time looking for career artists.. real artists who touch their soul, not their pocket book. Amen to that children. So we need to bring these people up, raise their consciousness a bit, rather than coming down on them. show them what's its all about. nuff said.
current spin: noir desir, visages des figures. French version of radiohead or U2. good band. I'm digging them.
also check out this amazing Internet radio station: www.chondo.net if you want to dig into some groovy African music.
Last screening: 21 grams. Holy shit. wow. This may have been the best movie of 2003.
Between studying the history of Muslim Iran so intensely lately and the Jesus guy in the movie tonight, I was reminded of humanity’s mission at this time; man do we have a mission: in a nutshell, we must find a way to preach the same message that the religions are preaching without the religions in the message. Preach the same word, the same vibe, the same message, the same energy, but get rid of the Jesus and the Allah and the Mohamed and the Krishna and all the rest of it... Move beyond it in our words first probably and then our consciousness will follow. You know its not like we don't dig the word you know... you gotta make sure that religious people understand that... the word can be a good thing.
sometimes...
But the problem is that a lot of the time the word is not good, but because of religious peoples insistence that the word is of their God and that their God is infallible, it creates a short circuit in what is normally rationally thinking intelligent life forms’ brains. So even if the word isn't necessarily good, as in the Muslim religion’s word that women need to act or dress a certain way for example, the people will find a way to talk themselves into accepting it as “the word.” Even when its kind of obvious that it isn't ‘the word.’ In all fairness, its not just the Muslims. Its all religions. The Jews can’t eat pork and the Catholics can’t eat meat on Friday and the Christians believe in capital punishment and the Indians can’t kill cows because they are sacred and the Tibetan Buddhists aren't supposed to go to war to defend their homeland... on and on... ridiculous stuff.
He says ‘thank you lord for keeping us together, for giving us the meal. Amen.” I say ‘why?’ why do we have to thank someone/something outside of ourselves for anything? Can we not keep ourselves together? can we not give us our own meals?
He says ‘Jesus saves? Without gods word, the devil can come into our lives and take control of us.”
Can we not save ourselves? And what's more, what do we need to save ourselves from? not everyone is in need of saving. Certainly some are... but can they not save themselves? Can we not help save them? and what about this devil? I mean, at this point how necessary is this? can we just put the devil away for a while?
He says ‘if a man hits you, offer him the other cheek.’
O.k. that is just plain stupid. the idea behind it might be a nice one, and I think we all like to get warm and fuzzy over the intention behind it, but lets leave fairy tale ideology to fairytales and not confuse ourselves anymore than we already are. I think too many of us offer the other cheek at this point. I say we start standing up more and helping others stand up as well.
He says ‘my duty is to God.’ totally missing the point.
Our duty is not to a God. Our duty is to the ideals that we currently project onto the God concept. That will be humankind’s salvation. Rather than ‘thanks be to God’ we need to start coming to and from more of a place of ‘thanks be to ourselves...’ imagine a whole room filled with people who are filled with gratitude for everyone else in the room. A whole room of people filled with gratitude for all of humanity? Imagine the possibilities of that... no more giving thanks to unseen imagined forces. Thanks be to us.
O.k. think fast, not an easy mission, but definitely our future -- especially as the last two ancient tyrannical dinosaurs, Christianity and Islam, battle it out for what they think is world domination when in fact the majority of humankind could care less and instead just wishes that they would go away and leave us all in peace – so who is attempting the mission at this point? – spreading the word of power and empowerment and life-force and goodness and love and peace and compassion without the religious connotations that humankind has for so long erroneously thought necessary... Avatar is doing it, waldorf schools and the Steiner movement are doing it. oprah is doing it, Tony Robbins is doing it, ram Dass is doing it, Gary null is doing it, twyman is doing it, Dimartini is doing it, shit even scientology is doing it. plenty of people are doing it.
The enlightened on the planet need to be ever-tolerant of the religious among us and learn as much as we can from the glorious gifts that the religions have to offer us. But we also need to support and nurture the other modalities that are starting to come around the globe that are creating new ways to celebrate life and love and the pursuit of joy and peace and happiness using new methods and creating new rituals without old-world religious connotations.
Check this shit out. this is exactly what I am talking about. no mention of God or prophets or holy books but still very heart warming and spiritual fulfilling:
A friend of mine from Iran sent me this Norooz wish ... I thought you'd enjoy reading it. Norooz is the Iranian New Year. (remember that new years as we know it today is not really “new years.” that's just the massive grip that western civilization has on mass consciousness... its easy to be fooled into believing – even if you are really smart and enlightened that whatever the majority believes, that whatever the richest and most powerful among us believe, is the truth, when in fact often times it is not. Its just one group’s version of new years. there are still plenty of times of the year that are considered “new years” by other groups of us around the world. the Jewish people have a different one. so do the Chinese. And so do the Iranians. They happen to celebrate their new years at the same time as the wicans and pagans do: the spring solstice. Could there be a more perfect time to celebrate new years?)
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To my dearest Friends and Students
Norouz, the birthday of the Mother Earth, and our New Year are approaching.
I wish you all health and the Divine blessing of appreciation .
Each day that comes is one of the most valuable gifts, incomparable to any other, that we will ever receive. We all know that each day is important, but the importance of a day for us is often based upon what we have accomplished. We place our life on a scale, and the weights that measure it have been given to us by this world. Everything is judged by failure or success. We make everything conditional in our lives. And what is forgotten is the value of existence, the value of this breath coming every moment and blessing us. This is the blessing. But we don't know how to accept it. Yet we have been given a precious gift. It is given freely, without judgment, with no condition.
Discover this life you've been living. Discover it the way it is meant to be lived—in joy, in gratitude, in beauty. Discover the potential of each day. Discover the rhythm as the sun shines on the horizon, light comes, and awakening happens; and then comes the sunset and sleep—everything is erased and another day begins. Discover that.
That's what this existence is all about. That's what peace is all about. Peace is not in yesterday and peace is not in tomorrow, but peace is today. Tomorrow is anticipation. Yesterday is just memories. And today is the gift--the truest and the most important gift.
Be Happy 
Always and All Ways Here & Now
www.ghandchi.com/iranscope/Anthology/Norouz/
picture of a table at your average Norooz (Iranian new years) celebration
3-02
Two glorious days with Princess Little Tree holed up in the nyc apt with constant snow falling outside. as always, as if we were in a movie. We spent time listening to music... I played her all the old Lou reed and t. rex Iggy pop and John Lennon and McCartney and wings albums so she could get in all the way. she understood a lot more... it was exciting to see someone get excited about understanding the origins of things....
Spending more time writing actual screenplays and the novels and less time in the diaries. finally.
Have revamped my new years resolutions. Focused on the just the top ten.
Is there any place on earth more exhilarating or friendly than New York? I would think not. of course I am open to all the possibilities. And indeed I would almost hope that there are better places, for eventually one tires of all things. I would hope that when that feeling comes over me that there will be someplace else that will enchant me just as much as beloved nyc. But for now I am so in love with the people of this city.
Current spin: Francis cabrel, 77 to 78. classic singer from the South of France who my professor makes fun of constantly for no other reason than he is not from Paris and because she is a snotty bitch. If you like good rock and pop he is the shit of France along with serge gainsbourg.
03-01-05
on the subway tonight and there was this girl staring at me. maybe she knew me, or wanted to. she was very beautiful. I was so happy; I was tired, listening to great music on the ipod headed for this art gallery opening that *** was giving and just digging being alive and I'm looking at this chick and I want to reach out to her. tell her how beautiful she was but then I spotted this other chick to my right and then another to my left and in that moment I realized wow I am fucking in love with three different girls on this subway car right now... and in that moment I realized that that was a great thing. opening up. what does that lead to? this opening up? I don't know. but it feels good to be in it.
Between albums at this time. between worlds. no touring no playing no nothing just waiting building preparing. Sometimes I have to choose between food and laundry. And as most people would I almost always choose the food. I have more clothes than should be legally allowed. Madelynne counted once because she thought it was ridiculous and she said I had a hundred and sixty pairs of pants. A lot more shirts. So running out of clean clothes is never an issue, but running out of underwear is... no matter how many you collect at some point you are going to run out of all of them... and then... well yes then... and you don’t have the money to pay the launders bill just yet because you need it for food... LOL... o.k. so brainstorming with the incomparable Zeke Ziskin the other day about your options in this situation. number one you can just go underwear-less for a while. which is fine except chances are you’ve been wearing the same pair of jeans a few weeks so that's not usually a good idea. for obvious reasons. You can attempt to wash your underwear in the shower with you. I think that's the best plan. And then let it hang dry. Lets face it, its never going to be as clean as you would like but probably better than free-balling in the same pair of jeans for a week. you can take the least dirty pair and spray the hell out of them with Lysol disinfectant. That's worked for me before. you can even wrap yourself with a few sheets of paper towels down there if you want. That could do the trick. But then they're going to get all crunched up and sweaty and by the end of the day forget about it.
Last screening: the last king, history of Charles the II of great Britain. Got out the English history book to follow along. What a crazy scene the whole monarchy/king and queen thing is. what a bunch of murderous thieving lying monsters they all were. All just to hang onto power.
I'll tell you, we have three missions while we are here: to rid the world of dishonest governments, monarchies and dictatorships, and religions from having any power over any people on earth.
Current spin: vhs or beta, new one. on astralwerks. Good stuff. in line with the recent early- eighties renaissance along with franz Ferdinand and modest mouse.
2-28-05
I did it last night. I finally made the leap. Could not take another day of the diaries... I took the plunge and began taking notes to complete the tribe moves to London screenplay and a new one called Shiraz, or maybe, coming is happy, going is sad. I wrote all night. But Instead of taking notes in the diaries I poured myself into actual work. Must confess it is not easy, but I did it. very inspired by Charlie Kaufman and his beautiful script for eternal sunshine... he finally won. And yes it was too late. he should have won for adaptation and being John malkovich. But still... justice was served this year. Charlie finally won.
Current spin; alain bashing, best of. Older French singer. just trying to get inside of the heats and minds. No better way than through the music.
02-27-05
last night I spent a few hours researching reviews from the past year of the sleep with you CD. our new CD went out this week for review to the press and I wanted to see what they would see if they Googled us and our last few releases. I already knew that rise and shine was well received for the most part. So I had no attention on that one. but sleep with you... honestly I had been avoiding reading reviews all year... I must have read over a hundred reviews and for the most part we were just torn apart for it... in all honesty... I cannot pretend or deny it away. even the positive reviews missed the point a lot of the time. we just didn't get across what we were aiming for. or perhaps we did... but either way, it was destroyed by most critics... too bad, because I love that album...and am still very proud of it.
there was one writer who got it. he really understood it. began his critique by explaining that the CD was an exploration and celebration of love and sex and romance and relationships and women... not much more, but no less because of that fact... I really appreciated this one person getting that... that's all I was trying to do with that work. That was it. and this one guy got it. [some guy tells me today that its like each of our cds is a diary of that time period in our lives because of the feeling of the songs and the artwork... now HE really gets it.] But everyone else just ragged on us.... especially on me. I read everything from ‘the music is pure generic crap’ to how awful of a singer I was to how bad the drum sounds were to how lame the guitar playing was to how puerile and asinine the lyrics were. Superhero girl was called ‘dunder-headed fluff’ and we were ‘blustery’ I didn't even know what the word blustery meant and had to look it up. well it isn't a good word. In general the feeling was why the hell is this guy on the cover with a naked girl on his bed and why the hell are all the songs about girls and drugs...
Princess Little Tree reminded me that before we began the album I told her that my intention was to create an album about sex drugs and rock and roll and that's exactly what I did. so why should I be so surprised by the reception... you know, with rise and shine I was accused of being too feel-goody and spiritual and lets change the world... and so perhaps sleep with you was a reaction to that. in fact, I am sure it was. but the saving grace is that nothing is cohesive had no secret meaning, no concept whatsoever... it was just us enjoying recording a collection of songs that we liked because we enjoyed making music together. I hope that comes off. I hope it is well received... I don't know if I can take another beating like we took with sleep with you. I spent all night tossing and turning, the harsh words of the various critics spinning around in my fucking head... I will be the first to admit that that is not easy. you can pace the floor and scribble notes and take walks, but the words still linger... perhaps Bas was right after all: “Stop fucking reading the reviews Fishy. good or bad. I'm telling you you're a fool man, they're meaningless. Stop reading them.”
One thing I notice is that all these writers always point to bono and bowie as my main influences vocally – certainly the similarities end there – I don't think my songs have ever sounded like either --- some cat says beautiful one sounds like a bowie ballad... yeah right... it just doesn’t even sound close to that... but none of them have ever been astute enough to get that its marc bolan who all three of us are copping. Bowie has admitted it a hundred times. without marc there would be no David as we knew him back then. you can hear when David first heard marc... you can hear the change in his singing style when he went from copping Dylan and Anthony Newly to copping marc to eventually when he started being David.... at times you cannot tell the two apart... and bono talks about one of his first erotic rock and roll experiences --- as a kid in Dublin watching the TV and seeing marc bolan for the first time and he pointed to the screen and said ‘I wanna do that.’ when bono gets all smooth and intimate and holds the mic with both hands up to his face and scrunches his mouth up to sing breathy and romantic as if every word was an epiphany... that's marc coming out... I don't consciously ape anyone but on occasion I will just full on sing through the marc filter unknowingly because it just sounds so cool and is so much fun to sing like that... then I'll catch myself and be like ‘bro, you're totally copping bolan right now. ease it up a bit...’ but its really interesting how no one ever notices. They always call it bono or bowie but never take it further to the origin – marc bolan. His influence is so huge and far reaching but the critics just never talk about it. I don't know why. like Jim Morrison in that way. the critics never got marc’s influence. But one day they will.
In the meantime, I really want on this next album we have started to find my own sound. Not just musically, but vocally too. the hardest thing as a singer is hearing what you really sound like. So you could be totally sounding like someone else and not even know it. just because you're singing from your heart and you're totally into it and you aren't even noticing that you are unconsciously sounding like someone else. anyway, I feel the influence of the people I sound like. For sure. No critic has ever pointed out an influence that I haven't felt was there. – for me vocally only. Swy got a lot of comparisons to cheap trick or Billy squire or Matthew sweet and I never checked any of those cats out. but yeah on NIC I reached out like a motherfucker vocally as far as I could to try to get someplace even further... but still... I'm just still really close to that same place. I know a lot of it has a lot to do with tonality. How your voice naturally sounds... James hetfeild is never going to sound like Rufus wainwright. But still... have to get to another place entirely... a unique place. how? Listen to other styles of music. me listen to other styles of music? like what? hoe much further out can you get than I already am? No, its not going to be that. its gotta come down to just getting in there and trying different things... just working at it. musically too. rise and shine I pulled it off. Totally unique. Just out of left field/outer-space if you listen to it now. like where the fuck did that come from? but the last two albums not so much because so much pressure to sound commercial from everyone. Fuck that on the next one. I just want to go someplace that no one has ever been.
Brunch today with Asyra and a new friend from Russia . the conversation was as good as the amazingly beautiful day accented by the blue sky that enveloped the entire city. though it was freezing, it was a gorgeous day. we went to a very chic café where all the beautiful people go in the village every Sunday.
In the restaurant I must have fallen in love maybe ten times in the hour or so we were in there... I made a note while the girls sipped their coffee and spoke casually... “ Realize now that there are so many beautiful people in the world that there is no way that we aren't going to fall in love every five minutes of every day... it is inevitable... that finding that one true love, that magical one that our heart longs for eternally, is going to have to come from a place deeper and more profound than anything we can imagine in our day to day lives. It is going to have to come from a place of karma or destiny or fate or a past life or something of this nature... it cannot be a love of this world if it is to transcend the day to day... if it is to suppress that little monkey inside that wants to love and be loved by every beautiful person we see on the streets and in the cafes everyday. Somewhere there is something bigger than all of that for each of us. that is the dream.”
I had the pleasure of vacuuming tonight. I had not vacuumed in a good decade or more. I thought it was great fun. I would not want to do it regularly. But it does give a kind of instant feeling of a satisfaction watching all the dirt get cleaned up. a simple sense of accomplishment rather easily achieved. I can see how one could easily become addicted to it.
Something else I was understanding tonight.... about Iran... losing the fear... slowly. Coming to terms with the fact that they are just people... like us. they have terrorists. We have terrorists. We all have our terrorists. When I think of Iran or the ayatollah Khomeini I feel frightened and sick like most Americans do, having been bombarded with images of them with these evil faces burning American flags in their streets and screaming anti-American slogans... can a person get beyond that though? I think I am beginning to. although filling out an Iranian visa application the other day I did feel this chill up my spine when at the top of it I read the words “N THE NAME OF THE ALMIGHTY”
When you see something like that you have to wonder, “who is the almighty?” and why is this visa application of mine in his name? why wouldn’t it be in my name? weird.
I think it would be great if someone just came up with an invisible friend like this ‘almighty’ and started walking around acting like he was always hanging out with them. ‘oh don't step over there. the almighty is over there.’ if anything weird happens, like a tsunami or an earthquake, we could call it ‘an act of the almighty.’ We could even blame murders and plagues and fires and all sorts of shit on the invisible almighty. O.k. never mind, we already do that. but still. I like the idea of having my own invisible almighty to hang out with. perhaps we could all do this. each of us could have our own almighty. Of course there would be a massive over-population crisis. The population on the earth could double if everyone got in on the idea. it would be totally insanity. Billions of invisible almightys running around doing only God-knows-what.
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Best movies of the year: life aquatic with Steve Zisou. Sideways. Eternal sunshine... finding neverland... what the fuck are the Oscars thinking this year? that's what I want to know. if aviator wins it, then there really is no God and we are fucked for sure.
O.k. thank God aviator didn't win. perhaps there is a God after all. that movie was just God awful save Leo and Kate. The only person who deserved to win from aviator was Kate blanchet and she did. that was very obvious, that one to everyone. and if Leo wasn't against such tough competition he could’ve taken it.... but no worries. He's always good... he's just getting started... hilary won again. didn't see it. can’t comment on it yet. Jamie fox winning was awesome. not only because he did such a great and believable job in Ray and collateral, but also so we didn't have to choose between Johnny and Leo, who both did such great work in their movies. The best actor category was impossible to call this year – totally crazy... impossible... they were all worthy. I am so happy Charlie won for eternal sunshine... that was huge. I thought that was an astounding film. I am very disheartened by Wes Anderson not being nominated for life aquatic. What's it going to take for him to get recognized?
There is a man named yo-yo. Do you realize that?
Marlon Brando died. There's news and then there's news, and even a year later Marlon Brando dying still feels huge and actually quite unfathomable. The man is dead. Wow. Who else is Marlon Brando?
Hunter s Thompson of course is dead now as well if you want to call it that. supposedly he took his own life. he must have been in great pain. may he rest in peace.
2-26-02
One year, Princess Little Tree had made me a photo album for Valentines Day. it was filled with photos of her since she was a child all the way up to present day. I must say that I have received so many amazing valentines day presents in my life that I could never possibly qualify or compare them. I have been so lucky in this, in love, I have been truly blessed in this life. But this gift. Wow what a gift. I won't say that it is the most special vd gift I have ever received but in this moment it feels like it is. and that's the way life is. each current moment seeming the most important, the most special. That is part of present-moment-human-consciousness. [unless one is stuck in remembering... in which case the past always seems the most special or the most important. Or unless someone is a dreamer and just always thinks the future is going to be more important or more special....] But for me, my brain just always feels like NOW is IT. It is how we process things in the human mind. For better or worse. Would love one day to have more of a holistic view of things... and I bet that as the years collect, this is what we acquire. And I bet that this is what we call wisdom...
So I sit and I look at all the wonderful pictures in the album and I get to know the Princess more deeply and intimately. Many make me smile or laugh or cry... and that's the way love is. and that's a beautiful thing. But there is a moment in the album when it gets to her when she is pregnant for the first time... and I cannot describe the reaction it creates in me. for weeks I have struggled with these pages. I look at them and smile and enjoy the learning... but I notice my body tense up and react with unbearable anger and resistance.
It was not until this morning that I decided to go into it and explore the feelings in order to ascertain what was really happening in my consciousness so that I might discreate it and feel more at ease. We cannot create what we prefer in the present moment if we are in react to the past. I know this. not easy to master, but getting easier. Such strong anger and resentment and regret... all I knew was that I would look at these pictures of her being pregnant and me being so much younger and not able at that time obviously to be there in that capacity with her or anyone, I would just feel this very strong sense of regret and resentment and resignation. I cannot believe that I dare write these feelings... but I could not help but just feel that life is truly unfair in that. I see pictures of her when she is my age and I feel this kind of hatred toward God because I could not know her then, because there was no way I could be with her or marry her and it fills me with rage... those types of feelings. Not good feelings...
When we are in love with someone, it is normal for us to want to possess that person completely, to know their whole lives before we came around.
I thought about (and I know this sounds weird perhaps) but I thought about ashton and demi. Because of the age parallel in our situations being the same... so it was something I could reach out to I guess in an attempt to understand it more. I mean, the guy’s gotta be loving it on the one hand, Demi Moore being one of the hottest sharpest richest most fantasized-about women of the last twenty years, and you're twenty five years old and your with her... so fucking a, that's great man, as Dasher would say; and yet, she's got these three kids with Bruce, and fucking Bruce, the guy’s great; he's been in all these great movies for the last twenty years and you're just ashton from some TV show or whatever... [hey don't accuse me of being an ashton basher – if he has any male fans above the age of 25 I'm that fan. I think the guy is fucking hilarious. My friends think I have deep seated problems for not only enjoying ashton movies but recommending them to my friends...] anyway, so Bruce is Bruce and just epitomizes a certain sense of cool... and you gotta love that.... I mean, at least from the outside looking in. who knows what its like from the inside.
But so much shit comes up in that kind of situation... after the dust settles... the mind starts working double time trying to work it out and make it all make sense. Pretty soon deeper issues start to make themselves apparent. and all you can do is realize that the best thing you can do is create that the situation works out for the best for both of you and that you both really enjoy it for however long it lasts. So no it isn't easy. And in a lot of cases life does seem to suck and be unfair in regards to love some times...
But everything that I am speaking of here means nothing compared to having your family members die in a tsunami or killed in a war... so who the fuck am I being to even worry about this stuff really...
Later...
In the cigar shop. God if I ever gave up smoking, where the hell does a man go for good old fashioned intelligent guy talk in a cozy private atmosphere? Maybe the health club sauna or steam room, but that's pretty rare. Usually its just a lot of soreness grunts and groans in there... but nothing like the cigar shop for a good hour of relaxed idle talk with like-minded men. We sneak in there this morning, which is a rarity these days because the work load is so heavy with the new CD coming out. they have fox news on the TV for some reason. And I go to turn it off. But I turn around and ask an older gentlemen relaxing on one of the couches if he minds. ‘what are ya fucking kidding me. I hate that garbage. This place is an oasis. My wife watches TV eight hours a day... how she does it I have no idea... why would I want to watch TV in here...’ ‘I couldn’t agree with you more sir,’ I respond. ‘this morning they're showing this grandmother whose grand daughter got killed and they're shoving the microphone in her face asking her how she feels... how the fuck do you think she feels you insensitive bitch? How the fuck does she answer that? what the hell are these morons thinking? asking her a question like that. and they fucking call that news... who watches this shit?’ ‘Yeah. I know. how is that news? if its not one tragedy its another. That's their idea of news... tragedies... and its not like good things aren't happening... but that's all they seem to think is newsworthy...’ ‘Hey that's all that sells I guess...’ he tells me as he puffs on his cigar and opens his paper. Idiots and fools I think. every now and then an intelligent person will pop his head up somewhere and thank God for it, but mostly the earth is just teeming with common fools. And that is why wars are still able to be fought by men dressed in suits sitting protected in private rooms while young men and women and innocent people die for no reason...
2-26
learning a language that does not use our alphabet is difficult. It is being thrown into water but never being taught to swim. It is driving blindfolded. It is a bike for the first time without training wheels...
There is nothing to hang onto because the alphabet is not the same. The letters are not the same. They don't look the same. They don't even use the same numbers we do... quick: think of the letter three/3. now picture it: 3. right? right. no. wrong. They DON'T FUCKING HAVE THAT!!! 3 DOES NOT EXIST TO THEM!!! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE THAT??? HOW FUCKING AMAZING IS THAT??? there is no 3. there is the word three but in their language, and there is the number 3 but it doesn’t look like that... it looks like something I cannot even type. Totally fucked up.
So you're really out there in a whole other world, as one assumes you are when learning an Asian language such as Chinese or Japanese. Persian looks like script. More like designs. 32 letters instead of our 26. but only one vowel which has six different sounds to it depending on its context, so you could say it has 37 letters... depending on how you look at it.
What I am having to do with it is just listen and try to repeat it... just learning the flow of it.. the sound of it. as if it is poetry or lyrics to a song... this is why I am so good at learning languages... I hear them as lyrics to songs... and through that I am able to get inside of it, or get it inside of me...
One thing I have noticed, subtly, deeply, is that when studying the history of Iran and Persia and the language, that when I come across certain words my body immediately tenses up with fear. Just looking at the word ‘Iran’ on the map makes me tense up with fear. Or when I see the words Persian Gulf ... same thing. I get a feeling of disgust and fear and loathing. Not hard to figure out. obviously because I grew up in America and was bombarded by nationalistic propaganda on American television for years and years about this land and this country and these people... totally not understanding the bigger picture – that they were just like us, in similar situations, with similar likes and dislikes and loves and hates.... its just that our governments have not been able to get along for a while... I don't think the people on either side really care one way or the other... I think for the most part everyone just wants to get along.
Must discreate my subconscious feelings of fear and hatred and isolation of these countries.... have to de-program the brainwashing.... if I am going to get to that next level of acceptance, understanding, tolerance, and embrace Iran and Persian... from there I can branch into many of the other middle eastern countries.... remember hanging with Mohamed from Palestine during my summer in Florence. He was my best friend that summer and we still speak regularly. He was middle eastern... and yet you would it. we did the same things any guys do. hang out sit around and eat and drink and talk about school and girls.
The idea being that we are not really Americans... just as Iranians or Iraqis are not really just Iranians or Iraqis... we are not the country we come from. we are after all merely humans... the idea being to transcend our country of origin entirely... so the more languages you can get down the better. Better able to relate to more of us...
God I just had this though.... if you have kids... does that take all of this away? does a lot of your freedom go away? scary thought. Better to put it off for as long as possible. Live for the world and not for some other beings... hate to be so blunt about that but you know, fuck, you can’t put them back really can you? I mean, think of people with children... they kind of, not even kind of, they do, just totally live for those kids.... as if that is the end all be all do all meaning of fucking life, which of course it isn't, but because those kids come from them, they are under this hypnotic spell that it is.... so so many other things in life, the potential, the possibilities, tend to disappear into the background of life. television becomes an aspect of life because they are so busy with their kids that they have no other choice in the matter but to start to experience life more and more through the TV, through other people on TV, rather than through their own experiences.... because their/our potential for experiences becomes limited by our children... becomes limited by what we can and cannot do based on what our children can and cannot do in each moment...
God. no wonder I have put it off....
If I had kids right now I probably wouldn’t even be talking about learning French and farsi and traveling to Iran, relocating to Paris, or traveling through Africa to chill with the African music masters for a while... I mean I guess I could, but I wonder.... would my priorities change? Would the way I think about life and the meaning of life and the important things in life change?
Don't know. but thank God and fate and the universe and destiny that I have not had kids yet. for their sake and my own... time will tell. Certainly. And God knows I think of them often... makes me smile... but sometimes the reality of that sets in... the dichotomy between what I am consciously creating as an artist and as an adventurer and these little thoughts my heart gets now and then about wanting to get married and have a family... wow.
O.k. I'm totally cheating here. I'm inserting this like two weeks later because I am lazy and haven't had a chance to post yet and just re-read it now, but you know I was thinking... you could still have the kids and still do your thing. just do it. have the kids, cause that's what we do, we have kids and that's a great thing. but you can’t just put your whole life off because you have kids. And you can’t put off having your kids because you want to live your life. you just have to do both. so many rules that people live by but they are unnecessary. We can make up our own rules. About everything.
Last screening: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Again. astounding. A masterpiece.
2-25-05
Today in French class the teacher showed a recent news piece from French television about the visit from gw bush and his meeting with French prime minister Chirac. Having not subscribed to TV for the last six months, I felt sickened from it and filled with anxiety, so I left the room. My skin was crawling and I felt as though I had to vomit. I had forgotten what it was like in the world of tv... being so insulated the last few months in my own little private world.
When I returned to the class, our teacher Ms. Peggy asks me ‘Fishy what prompted your abrupt departure? Too good for French television?’ ‘on the contrary Pegs,’ I answered, ‘I'm just not going to watch that bullshit, pardon my French,’ everyone laughs, because I answered her in English, not in French, which is a big no-no. ‘I'm looking for a good cowboy?!’ I exclaim. ‘you know what the worst part is? he's not kidding. Your French television makes light of it, thinks its funny... but he's not kidding... he's totally serious. But you guys just don't even recognize it. he's not fooling around. this guy is a cowboy and lets not forget it. and there's nothing cute or funny about cowboys... I don't know about you, maybe its just because you are new to our country Pegs, and so you don't know, but when I think of cowboys, I think of a bunch of cocky idiotic uneducated murdering fuckhead bastards killing native Americans and stealing their land and raping their women... growing up watching cowboys on TV, that's what cowboys mean to me.’
This really sexy girl in our class from the country of Jordan looks at me with her eyes wide open, ‘wow. Too bad more people don't feel like you do Fishy.’ she says in more of an English accent than a middle eastern one. ‘You are very bold to think like that.’ ‘yeah. It is too bad Ines,’ I answer her. you could see and feel my displeasure and my anger at having to watch that news piece. ‘The most dangerous terrorist on the planet today is traveling around to all of these different countries this week, and every one of these countries had an opportunity to stand up and speak their mind. All they had to do was refuse to allow him into their country and they really could have made their point that they didn't agree with his invading Iraq but instead they let him in and spent the last four days showboating and pretending for the TV cameras. And he has the nerve to say he's looking for a good cowboy. What the fuck do you think he means by that?’
Someone else speaks up and says that we cannot just abandon all of our relationships... that these other countries have to continue to keep relations good with America even if they don't agree with our foreign policy because of what it could mean to business for all of the different countries... ‘yeah, easy for us to say here in Manhattan,’ I answer. ‘its all about money isn't it?’ another student comments. ‘we’re here in this nice little school in the center of Manhattan and so no one we know is being killed. So its easy for us to just sit back and say yeah better to keep relations good with America... well I'll tell you what, if here in New York hundreds of thousands of our neighbors and family members were getting killed everyday, we wouldn’t be so easy on letting this guy travel around the world and not speaking up about it... these other countries that didn't agree with us really had an opportunity to be strong and show the world that we aren't going to put up with this kind of crap... but instead they just backed down... and so now what? who’s next? that's the fucking question. Who’s next?’ ‘o.k. enough of politics. lets get back to French,’ Ms. Peggy tells us. ‘Fishy, I promise I won't play anymore French television if its going to upset you so,’ she announces. ‘Pegs, I would appreciate it.’
As for French itself, lets just put it this way.... I have gone beyond the point of just dipping my feet in the water. I am full on into it now. present, past, and future tenses etc etc... not easy. I am not studying enough on my own. lazy I guess. Need to study more on my off days. find it very difficult compared to all the other Latin languages which now seem so simple in comparison. The only rule in the French language seems to be ‘we’re going to keep making exceptions to our rules if we feel like it.’ But French is essential. Not just because of France itself, and because they are some of the most liberal and intellectual people on the planet – every artist finds his home away from home in France at some point once the barbarians of his own country kick him out for being too smart or too aware or too honest... so why not prepare now by learning the language ahead of time.
But even more exciting than that, for me personally, is the opportunity of being able to travel the continent of Africa with at least one language that some of the people speak and understand. I think I am more compelled to learn French because of Africa than because of France really... God can you imagine? Fucking Africa. The motherland. There is nothing like African music... Senegal, morocco, Ghana, Mali... this is the deepest music going on anywhere...
02-24-05
dear Jules,
yes, love... I know what you mean now. I like it but part of me does not like it... part of me wants to run into the arms of it 24 hours a day and part of me wants to run far away, sneak away in the middle of the night to a different country and not return for a few years....
Anyway, kings of convenience = so cool!!! total Simon and Garfunkel and Donovan!!! I love it thank you for recommending. And please feel free to recommend more if you got any more up your sleeves....
And you... you felt me feeling love for someone else??? all on your own? or did I tell you? funny... but yes... good stuff. now I know what you mean by ‘raw’
Yes raw... but in a good way. an almost good way... lol.
All my love Jules, take care.
Fishy
current spin: nick drake, five leaves left. His first. his best perhaps. What a mood.
If you're a real trooper and want to see something truly horrifying but very real, check out the newest photos from the fields of the Iraq invasion sent in by our good friend Zeke:
Zeke says ‘Enjoy...’ although I found it hard to enjoy this...
http://dahrjamailiraq.com/gallery/view_album.php?set_albumName=album32&page=1 < http://dahrjamailiraq.com/gallery/view_album.php?set_albumName=album32&page=1 >
02-23-05
studying the language of Farsi/Persian now. tough stuff. But as I learn more about their history I feel a longing to get closer... to find more connection... plus I am really digging their music right now.
Current spin: jay z, black album. I love this CD!!! I love Jay z. if Eminem is sesame street Jay z is electric company.
02-22-05
A few things I've observed. when you are in love, it is all you think about. another thing. when you fall in love with someone you experience something called jealousy. I had forgotten about jealousy. But it is real. As unenlightened and untranscendent as it may be, its like a ghost that creeps up on you when you're sleeping, and its hard to shake off.
Current read: Persepolis, by Marjane Satrapi ... this book is cool because it is in the form of one giant comic book, about a hundred and fifty page history of modern Iran. So its not so scholarly. Just a good read of the facts with an attempt to be very light-hearted and whimsical... which lightens the otherwise tragic events being relayed. I am inspired from the learning, but horrified at what I have learned. Lots of data to process.
Quickly:
- the Iranians are not Arabs, like many of the other middle eastern countries. They are Persians, or Aryans. The name Iran comes from the word Aryan. The Arabs/Muslims invaded in 636 and forced their Muslim religion onto them – they were Zoroastrians before that – which as we've already discussed is very similar to Judaism/Christianity.
- since that time they had always been ruled by one monarchy or dynasty or another. But the people wanted to rule, they wanted a democracy. In the 1930s it looked as though the people were going to have a revolution and take over the country from the then-emperor, and turn it into a republic or democracy so the people could rule. Just like the United States.
- But England and the United States came in and bribed the revolutionaries into keeping it a monarchy instead of a democracy because they wanted the oil. So they promised their support of the revolution and lots of money in exchange for free access and first rights to all of this oil they were finding. So they basically turned the government from one monarchy into another overnight, but one they could control. The people didn't get to rule themselves after all. instead they were now being ruled by England and America thinly veiled as being through this new monarchy, the Shaw.
- this went on for fifty years and the dictatorship was pretty brutal. The American CIA helped teach the Iranian government spy and torture techniques in order to capture and torture and kill anyone who was trying to win the country back for the people so they could become a democracy like we are. they were just trying to be like us, but our government was working to stop them from doing that because they were controlling the dictatorship/monarchy that was in charge so they could get the oil. crazy stuff.
- in 1979 the people finally took over in the great revolution and overthrew the shaw. But they did it through this whole Islamic thing....using religious fervor and fundamentalism to empower them to do so.... so bye bye shaw but hello crazy Muslims.
- soon after the take over they took the Americans hostage as a way to get back at us for how we killed and tortured so many of them for so long. growing up in America we aren't told any of this of course. we are taught that they took us hostage because they are crazy fuckers. They forget to mention that our government was lying to the whole world and killing and torturing them and keeping their people in a dictatorship for fifty years even though they wanted their own democracy. So of course they were mad and they took a bunch of people hostage. I remember seeing the American flags burning on TV as a tiny boy and thinking ‘gosh how scary. Who would want to do that to us?’ I understand now. they weren't doing it to ‘us’ but they were doing it to our government. Our uncontrolled crazy ass government that does whatever it wants to in our name and then we the people pay the price for it.
- o.k. so then Saddam Hussein of Iraq decides to invade Iran in 1980 because they have permission from the United States. not only do they have permission, the American government is offering money and weapons and anything else Saddam wants in order to get him to take over the country of Iran. One assumes the US government’s plan was to get Iraq to take over Iran and then to take over Iraq and we would have both countries under our belt. So for eight years the US gov secretly supported the Iraqis against the Iranians... out of the frying pan and into the fire these US government guys are. from one mess to another.
one thing is this. Iran is Iran. Its not America. In a way none of this has to be my business. So with that said, suffice it to say that Iran will be Iran and we will be America. But as an American at heart, the aspects that involve America are the aspects of the story that still touch me the deepest. I cannot help but be affected by the history of Iran as we, our government, directly relate to these people’s lives and futures....
So where are we with this? I mean, as an American... as a person.... as a human... its 7am. I sit here in the dark and type in the dead quiet. For some reason I wake up super early now... no matter how late I go to bed... this can only be a good thing. I'm listening to this amazing Persian classical music right now as I type, the music is fast and pulsing, the vocals haunting and ancient sounding; my thoughts are fast... just need to get it down...
obviously I feel lied to. have to let that go. we have to face it and let it go. we are being lied to. it was all a lie. The Iranians taking our people hostage because they are crazy and evil... that was a lie. It was we who were being crazy and evil and they were reacting to that after fifty years under the persecution and control of the US and England tyrannical clutches... so we were lied to and we are still being lied to. o.k. but we have no choice in this. we’re not going to be taking over our government anytime soon. they have shown that to us time and time again. the days of the people of America controlling America are over. they lie to us. we have to face it, accept it. they are lying murdering thieving fuckhead bastards, as most governments of the earth seem to be, -- in their defense I will offer that maybe they aren't aware of it because I believe their webs of deception are so twisted and interwoven at this point that most of them don't even know what the hell is going on.
[I mean think of guys like Fred grandy (gopher from love boat) or sonny bono or even shirley temple who were all congresspersons for so long. do you think that they knew that we were the bad guys and that Iran was the good guys? I mean did they/do they know how fucked up and lied to we were? Or do they just wake up everyday in the matrix and head to the office not even knowing any of this.... I guess that's one we’ll never know. at least not now. and again, the other question that arises is if they did know, were they doing anything about it? I mean, for every person who works in American government who does know about all these different lies and deceptions and misdeeds, are they doing anything about any of it or are they just happy to collect a paycheck?]
O.k. so we now know that much of what we Americans are seeing and hearing on our TVs is a lie just like what we are told the other countries of the world experience. Only, in our instance it isn't necessarily our media who is lying to us; it’s our government who is consistently lying to our media. We have a smart media here. both above ground and underground. the best. so eventually they find out about the lies and deceptions – as in Watergate or in Iran-contra-gate, -- read summary of that here: http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761573296/Iran-Contra_Affair.html ... It actually makes no sense that during the same war with the same two countries the US government was funding and supplying weapons to one country and selling other weapons to the other country at the same time... talk about mixed signals... I think their real message might have been something like ‘would you both get on with the killing and total annihilation of both of your countries so we can move in and get the oil.... ‘o.k. look here you take these weapons and then to the other side, here you take these weapons...’ crazy stuff... so then when our government gets caught, as you will read about in the above article everyone just says stuff like ‘oh well that happened a long time ago and none of us had anything to do with it and we’re really sorry etc...’ and life goes on as always... and you won't believe it but then a few years later the next president of the United States pardons everyone involved in the whole affair as George bush senior did to everyone in the Iran contra affair. Here, just read the whole thing here: it takes two minutes:
Iran-Contra Affair , American political scandal of 1985 and 1986, in which high-ranking members in the administration of President Ronald Reagan < http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761560259/Ronald_Reagan.html > arranged for the secret sales of arms to Iran in direct violation of existing United States laws. Profits from the $30 million in arms sales were channeled to the Nicaraguan right-wing “contra” guerrillas to supply arms for use against the leftist Sandinista < http://encarta.msn.com/encyclopedia_761573126/Sandinistas.html > government. This, too, was in direct violation of U.S. policy. The chief negotiator of these deals was Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North, a military aide to the National Security Council. North reported his activities initially to National Security Adviser Robert C. McFarlane, the council's head, and subsequently to his successor, Vice Admiral John M. Poindexter. The sale of arms to Iran was initiated at the suggestion of the Israeli government with the dual goal of bettering relations with Iran and of obtaining the release of American hostages held in Lebanon by pro-Iranian terrorists. North was instrumental in setting up a covert network for providing support to the contras, with its own ship, airplanes, airfield, and secret bank accounts.
In November 1986 a Lebanese magazine disclosed that the United States government had negotiated an arms deal with Iran . Later that month Attorney General Edwin Meese verified that millions of dollars from these sales had been sent to the contras in direct violation of the Boland Amendment, which Congress had passed in 1984 and which prohibited direct or indirect U.S. military aid to them. As new details of the widening scandal emerged, a series of congressional and legal investigations began. In February 1987 the Tower Commission, a special panel headed by former U.S. Senator John Tower of Texas, issued a report castigating President Reagan and his advisers for their lack of control over the National Security Council. The Congressional Joint Investigative Committee collected more than 300,000 documents, conducted more than 500 interviews and depositions, and listened to 28 witnesses in 40 days of public hearings. In November 1987 the committee reported that the president bore the ultimate responsibility for the implementation of his administration's policies but found no firm evidence that he had known of the diversion of funds to the contras. In May 1989 North was tried and convicted of obstructing Congress and unlawfully destroying government documents, but his conviction was subsequently overturned. A guilty decision on Poindexter's actions was also later reversed. The scandal's reverberations concerning the ultimate responsibility for the operation continued into the 1990s. In December 1992 President George Bush, who had been vice president under Reagan and who had also been implicated, but not charged, in the scandal, issued pardons to many of the top government officials who had been charged or convicted for their role in the Iran-Contra affair. Independent prosecutor Lawrence E. Walsh published his final report on the investigation of the affair in January 1994. Walsh concluded that there was no evidence that Reagan had broken the law, but he noted that Reagan may have participated in, or known about, a cover-up.
O.k. so now we know, unless you can’t read or have difficulty with reading comprehension – and if that's the case what the hell are you doing in here? – now we know that the US government is no different than all of the other lying thieving manipulating murdering cover-it-up bastards that we read about in the newspapers everyday...
o.k. so still, where does that put us? as thinking breathing living caring trying-to-be-honest humans... where does this realization that the American government very well might be the thieving lying murdering red horned big bully of the modern world and we the people are just too stupid to realize it take us as people? scared? Yeah, sure we’re scared. This is scary stuff. my friends tell me ‘dude don't even talk to me about this stuff. I don't want to know. and why you write about it I will never know. aren't you worried? You think if they don't have any problem killing over a hundred thousand Iraqi people that they are going to have a problem killing you? you're insane to even be going there. you should forget about all of this...’ so this is the common feeling among most people in most countries around the world. do not rebel, do not resist, do not speak out, just mind your business.. I know. I feel that way most of the time. after all, it isn't my business if America wants to kill people in Iraq or torture people in Iran. How does that affect me?
well... that leads us where it leads us doesn’t it... after all, what is most important is making enough money to live and support your family and try to dig on some love and music and art now and then... I know that... but something in me calls to me... as a human and as a deeply patriotic and passionate American...
So how can we as enlightened beings help the people in elected government become more enlightened? That I believe may be the real question here... what can we do as a people to really love and appreciate these men and yet at the same calmly and politely and smoothly get them to leave office before they continue to do any more damage... or to straighten up and fly right?
Will it ever be possible?
you know when I was hanging with the anti-free-trade activists last year I had made a comment about bono and what a big influence he was on me... his social activism... but Red had told me that his intentions were good but that he was lost and had fallen into the wrong hands.... I didn't understand that then. but I do now. it took me a year to get it. instead of really speaking out against the real evil in American government, he is cowering to it in order to seek his own agenda, and his agenda is certainly a noble one, but he is doing it at the expense of speaking the truth about the people he is conspiring with. Hiding the enemy because there is something to be gained from the enemy...
not easy to believe about our blessed bono I know because after all he is the closest thing to Jesus Christ we have had in two thousand years.. but still...
Is there anything we can do? I mean, we are all pretty much hiding the enemy at this point. The enemies are right in our own white house and capital building I guess. What can we really do about it? how can we evolutionize this great country that has so much potential? I do not believe in revolution anymore. At least not for America. We do not need to completely revolutionize our government. We are damn close already to being what we are promised to become one day. but we do need to evolve. We do need to demand that our government once for all tells the truth now and then...
Does this mean that the current Iranian Islamic fundamentalist government is a good group of fellows? No, probably not. does this mean that they would welcome you or me with open arms and not chop our heads off? No probably not. I'm not presuming innocence on anyone's part. The truth is that current rule in Iran sucks for most Iranians that are smart enough to be able to tell. And yes they are still longing for a real democracy as they have for thousands of years. but that doesn’t mean that America should step in and take over their country either... but wouldn’t it be great if they really tried to help in an honest manner without a hidden agenda?
So what could we do if we were an honest country with an honest government with good intentions? How can we help rather than continue to harm? And what can average everyday citizens like you and me do to help bring this about? that's the question... I for one don’t have a clue. I like most people are scared shitless of the American government at this point. The more I read and learn and study the more frightened I become.
current spin: Alizadeh, Shajarians, Kalhor: without you. Persian classical. You feel it in your soul, deep inside it goes.
Yo Fishy,
I heard that CBGB's is closing, as reported in the Village Voice. Have you heard about this?
CBGB closes.
The Hit Factory and Cello Studios close.
Grammy's lowest viewership in a decade.
Commercial radio consolidation creating death spiral for radio.
Better save some buckshot in that gun for me as well.
Zeke
2-21
My heart has broken open. not broken. Just broken open. love... wow... it had been a long time. I feel completely raw. I had forgotten what it was like. No wonder it is all the talk of the world.
Break...
There is the theory of the hypnogogic state of consciousness... this is the state just before you fall asleep, or just after you have fallen asleep. Just when you begin dreaming, but you are still awake enough to be aware that you are asleep. It is as if you are watching yourself. Your dreams are very vivid. Ideas abound. I don't remember who it was off the top of my head, maybe Davinci or twain or Einstein... perhaps none of them, but I remember the story where he used to sit at his desk with a string attached to a bell hanging above him. just as he fell asleep his arm would fall which would make the bell ring. He would then wake up out of dreaming and immediately start writing down everything he could remember from the dream great thoughts can come out of this state of consciousness. There is another story about another man, again I cannot remember who it was, who used to do the same thing by holding a ball in his hand so as soon as he fell into sleep his grip would loosen and the ball would drop to the floor waking him up and he would also immediately write down everything he could remember.
It is a given that artists of all kinds, writers, composers, etc leave pens and notepads by their bed and all over their home so as not to miss an idea. as Loren eisley contemplated once ideas are so fleeting... one minute you are in the center of it and in the next minute you don't even remember that you had an idea at all about anything. It is quite remarkable how the brain works like this. kind of sad and frustrating but very true. I do have a pen and pad next to the bed of course, and in every room of the house. always have. in the car. in my back pocket of course. and it is true, I find that some of the best ideas come just before sleep.... in that hypnogogic state somewhere between being awake and dreaming... when it is hard to tell if you are thinking or you are dreaming. This is a magical place. some of the best ideas come from this state. But the problem of course is in the remembering. Hence the tricks that past creatives have invented to wake themselves up out of it and take advantage of it. By my bed I keep a special pen I found online that has a light at the very tip of it so you don't have to turn on a light in the room. You just give the pen a little twist and this light comes on, enough to light up the paper you are writing on. It’s a brilliant invention. I would be lost without it.
When I am really knocked out and can’t even sit up to write, I use another method whereby as I get a thought that I wish to remember the next day I hold my hand up in the air for a few seconds with my forefinger up signifying that I have one idea to remember in the morning from the night before. if I get another I will hold my hand up again for a few more seconds with two fingers up to remind myself that there were two ideas. And so on. I have become accustomed to automatically asking myself how many fingers I had held up the night before just before I fell asleep in order to re-trigger those thoughts. It almost always works. 90% of the time I can remember upon contemplation what the thoughts were so I can get them down when I first wake up.
Having given up cigarette smoking many years ago – I was one of the lucky ones; I was just very determined not to be an adult cigarette smoker, so I managed to kill that demon at a rather young age --- I still find myself battling the smoking bug but with cigars, as everyone knows. they are something that I find very sacred and yet very destructive and frustrating at the same time. God knows where I would be as a writer if I didn't have a good cigar and glass of some liquor sitting next to me to keep me occupied doing something besides just sitting and writing. I find the process of writing very boring and tedious. It is said that mark twain smoked 40 cigars a day. lets hope I never get that bad. But cigars are something I phase in and out of. One year I will smoke and the next year I will not smoke at all. as the years go on I hope it starts to shift towards less and less time smoking... even though I absolutely love them with an almost obsessive passion. as many men do. but as a singer... it just doesn’t seem very likely I will be able to keep both of them up. it is cliché how many writers and artists have died prematurely from either smoking or alcohol or both. and I do not intend on dying from either one. whether dead or alive, I despise clichés of any kind.
The other night I was half asleep but found myself longing to have a smoke. Funny and sad even, but I reluctantly admit that there has been more than one occasion where I have gotten out of bed after being asleep and gotten dressed again just to sit and have a smoke and write for an hour or so. but this time I had this realization that if only I had some way to trick my mind and body into thinking that I had just had a smoke, then I wouldn’t feel the desire to smoke again. I kept going with the idea... what does it feel like to feel as though you have just had a smoke? It is both physical and mental and probably even emotional... you would have to reproduce both a false memory and a false biological state. Neurological. You would have to trigger either a real or an imagined series of neurons firing in the brain and one or several endorphins releasing so that both the mind and the body felt as though you had just had a smoke.
The implications are endless. The potential limitless. If we could produce a machine that could do this... something we hook up to the brain. Something small and simple to use. Something that can be programmed. In fact better to use little memory chips, each one programmed to reproduce to false memory or feeling in the person’s body and brain.
Reminds me of the matrix movie actually. The way they plug in to download skill-sets such as judo. But imagine being able to satiate a persons hunger by tricking them into feeling as though they just ate. Or imagine plugging into a ‘oh we already broke up two years ago and I'm totally over her’ program for a few minutes and never having to go through the heartache of those first few weeks and months of breaking up... a bit sinister certainly. But wow. What a concept. I picture something that just sits on the head. A small device that emits some kind of energy, wave patterns perhaps that simulate whatever feeling the person is trying to induce through the manipulation of brain waves, neurons, and endorphins. This is beyond virtual reality. We wouldn’t be trying to simulate the experience. We would actually be reproducing the after effect, the feeling one gets right afterwards... so the person would have absolutely no clue that they didn't just experience the desired activity.
This will come. Perhaps in our lifetime, perhaps not. I am sure as I am writing here there are labs of people already attempting to build such a device all over the world. the idea is certainly not a novel one. I just wonder what the actual challenges are of building such a device. Scientifically speaking what are the biggest obstacles we need to overcome?
Reminds me of pheromone research. You extract or synthesize the pheromones from animals that are released during or just after they have had sex. when a human wears this pheromone as in a cologne or perfume it is believed to create in the person and in others around him a biological sensation that he is very sexually active or has just had sex... this in turn supposedly makes this person more attractive and appealing in a very biological and primitive way to the opposite sex... Ferret and I bought a bottle of one such pheromone once to give it a try. it was ridiculously expensive and we rubbed it all over ourselves. I never noticed that we got laid more I must say. Although I would love to report that we did.
So I think the idea of this device might be a more surefire way of accomplishing a similar outcome. Imagine walking around all the time with that feeling you get just after you have had great sex. kicking your heels, feeling all high and happy and confident and a little giddy... I'm sure you would get laid more often. again, the possibilities are limitless. And all you have to do is plug into this device for a few seconds...
So yeah, while Davinci was busy researching the human form, architecture, structural engineering, and painting the last supper and mark twain was spending countless hours writing twenty of the greatest American novels, I like to just sit and dream up machines to trick the brain into feeling as though you just had sex so you could have more sex. certainly a noble goal indeed. LOL.
Current spin: Sam Roberts, had a lot of hope for this CD. read a good review. I did not like it. like so much pop and rock, it is just the same old.....
2-20
I'm traveling right now for a few days. I miss New York and new Yorkers. I find it hard to not be in big metropolitan cities. Or in just totally remote places like rural Vermont or Colorado etc... either or... but when I am in regular suburban America, I find it very difficult on my insides.
Current screening: bottle rocket. The first Wes Anderson, Owen Wilson film. before Rushmore, before royal tennenbaums, before life aquatic with Steve Zisou. You can see the beginning of what would eventually be greatness. art creates art. Art inspires art. I had never thought about this before. in it, but never outside of it enough to think about it. one day in 2002 Beth Ann told me that she used the rise and shine album a lot to paint to. that it inspired her in a certain way, that as a painter and not a musician herself that music had a profound effect on her work; her painting was always slightly altered depending on what she was listening to at the time.
I told her that I was working on a new album, what would eventually be sleep with you, but that I didn't know what it was yet or what it was about; but I shared with her how I go to the store and buy lots of picture and photo books when I am working on a new album. I keep stacks of photo books or painting books all over the house and bring a backpack full of them to the studio to inspire me. for rise and shine I carried around a lot of books of Picasso and van Gogh books and would flip through them all day and night to stay open and fresh and excited and inspired about the album and the possibilities of art. “and that would help you? that would help your music? looking at the paintings in the books,’ she asked. ‘yeah. A lot. makes me create better music, staring at the pictures...’
‘what kind of painting books are you looking at now?’ she asked. ‘Well now I'm more into photo books... I'm really into these erotica photography books actually...’ ‘you mean naked women?’ ‘Not exactly... but sometimes yeah. Even more than that. all sorts of different things... lots of books of girls... mostly black and whites... bondage, sexual without being overtly sexual... like that... fetish stuff... nudes... yeah...’ ‘how is it affecting your work? Compared to the Picasso books?’ ‘well its bringing about a whole different kind of music... its a lot more rock... and all the songs seem to be about girls, or sex, or love, or drugs... I don't know yet...’ Beth Ann let out a big sigh, a happy sigh, and we kept walking... she put her arm around the king and asked, ‘I love that.’ ‘what?’ ‘just how art inspires art like that... how the art of one artist inspires another artist and how circular it is... how the fields cross... how I paint to music and how Fishy composes music flipping through painting books...’
so this is where bottle rocket comes into the story I guess. Not really bottle rocket, because I can’t say I'm loving it yet. I think as with a lot of things I'm kind of the opposite of most people when it comes to Wes’s work. Whereas a lot of film lovers prefer his early movies (like with woody Allen as well), everyone talking about bottle rocket or Rushmore and a lot of them not really digging royal tennenbaums and even fewer getting life aquatic from what I can tell... I prefer his work in the order from the top down, life aquatic to me is a masterpiece, something that will last forever in the hearts and minds of humankind; it’s a van Gogh. More a Picasso, because I have always liked Picasso more myself... but for me its juice, watching his movies, its not me the person sitting enjoying the film... its that... but not just that... its me the artist studying the film, being inspired by the film, taking notes, getting ideas, having ah-hahs about my own art... admiring it as one does a fine painting in a gallery or a fine wine... and through that experience.... more art... more ideas... more possibilities... more potential.. the world stays open... and my art keeps coming... eternal sunshine of the spotless mind had that same effect on me. I think in the long run, in the bigger picture, I will look back in years to come and understand that that one movie inspired countless songs and full albums even... the mental and emotional impact it had on me was unfathomable.
Current spin: kings of convenience. BUY IT. I love it. soft and romantic. Reminds me of Donovan and Simon and Garfunkel.
2-18
mom calls. upset. Finally opens her heart up to men for the first time in years... and has started dating. She is happier than she has been in many years. shines. Glows. Smiles even more than normal, which says a lot for her. she is a very happy and bubbly person already. How is it to talk to your mom about her dating men... having your mom call you crying because she is breaking up with a boyfriend... not as bad as one would think... its easy for me. easier than I thought. She's cycling through boyfriends now. dating. Fun stuff. she still has a tendency to date down rather than up. ‘mom, please. just keep going through them. please don't bring the bloodline down any further. For gods sake...’ I joke. ‘don't be ridiculous Fishy. You're bigger than that honey.’ ‘Mom why am I the only who seems to be bothered if you and Beaver forget who we are and where we came from and keep bringing people into our families who are beneath us...’ I bite my tongue. I regret what I say immediately. I am a monster. Listen to me. isn't it love that's all that matters? Am I wrong to want to keep the blood.... ‘people are not beneath people because of money Fishy. you know better.’ ‘well I'm not talking about money here mom. You know that...’
‘Mom study history. Whole kingdoms have been brought down because of someone marrying the wrong person. that's all I'm saying. just please bear that in mind. We were raised a certain way. we came from a certain breed. Why am I the only one that remembers that?’ ‘honey you think too much about that. beaver is happy. don't pester the boy for that. don't ever talk this way to your brother.’ ‘mom he eats white bread and yellow mustard for gods sake....’ I'm an idiot I think... ‘honey your bother would eat like that no matter who he married... things like that are not important to Beaver. He doesn’t have the same tastes as you. there is nothing wrong with that. Look at his soul dear. He is more than all of that. He is a real gentleman. You need to see that...’
I do see it. I am just reacting to an unconscious resistance to being common. Probably because our family never lived up to our own upbringing... when our family came to America they came with a lot less than what they left behind. But they did this in order to find freedom and even more prosperity, as so many millions of people did and still do. This was how it was when you left your homeland and came to America I am told. But still they did well. Until the stock market crash of ‘29. My grandfather’s father lost everything and shot himself at the age of 35 leaving his wife and seven children behind. A weak man, and a coward. But still, my grandfather, the youngest, managed to climb back up and became very successful. Ironically he worked for the United States government for forty years as an attorney and judge. If he could only see me now. he would be chasing me around the house trying to hit me... But the family never regained the prestige or the resources that they had back home. that's the point.
I will never forget my grandfather and grandmother sitting us down one summer day when we were children and showing us our great great great -- I don't know how many generations back -- paternal grandfather’s name in the encyclopedia Britannica. This did not mean much to me at that age because I assumed that everyone had family in those big black books.... but later it became something very important to me. He was a famous mathematician who discovered many very algebraic formulas and theorems that are used and taken for granted today. then my grandmother showed us the name of her great uncle also in the Britannica who was a famous composer and musician who is not much remembered today except in scholarly circles. Again, I did not quite get the importance of this until much later. We were too young... but I gathered that it meant something...
But then they showed us the pictures of their parents and grandparents and told us the stories of how grandma’s parents were a baron and baroness of the Tuscany region of Italy... explained the difference between royalty and aristocracy and nobility, and instructed us to assume that everyone else was “not that.” Now this did affect me deeply. I will never forget that day. I sat there at the kitchen table looking at the photo albums and the family trees of both families – the proud faces, the furs and top hats and canes and large mansions and villas.... sitting there as a young boy... comparing what I was seeing in the books of our family in the home country to looking about the modest house they lived in now in America... wondering where did all the money go... where did all the power and prestige go... it was in that moment that I committed to getting that back for the family. I was ten years old I believe.... It wasn't conscious. It was just a thought. A flash in the moment. I've spent my entire life despising the middle class, even though and probably precisely because of the fact that I was being raised as middle class as one could be. that was the truth. I could think anything I wanted to about myself because of what was spoken... but I was growing up middle class despite what I felt inside about who I was or who I thought I was or who I was being told I was by my parents and grandparents. There were no limos or mansions or villas for us when I was growing up.
‘there's a certain sense of propriety and tradition that one would like to keep mom. That's all I'm saying. perhaps that's something to honor. I'm just saying it would be nice to get our bloodline back. am I the only one who thinks this is important?’ I plead... certainly Beaver could care less. He is much more interested in just being a good person. in raising his family the best way he possibly can. and one cannot fault him for that. in fact, I find him one of the most honorable people I have ever known.
It’s me who is fucked up. I have made two fortunes in my life already and blown both of them trying to live a life beyond my means in my attempts to deny and resist that I was still in the end a rather common person, much like everyone else. always trying to get back to those pictures I saw in the photo albums of my ancestors. Always spending more than I had, no matter how much I had, I always found a way to spend more... I always felt frugality or prudence was a sign of weakness, was a sign of being common. I never understood that that was what was behind my profligate spending and showboating before today. But I do now. I understand now that frugality and prudence and being practical is a sign of wisdom. It is just being real. I have that lesson inside of me now. I will never look at money the same way again. that kind of living and thinking is behind me now. I have learned some very powerful lessons the last two years.
But this still doesn’t mean that one should marry down. Oh Fishy you silly boy. Well... Call it what you will. I don't think its being a snob. I'm as big a Jane Austen fan as anyone else, and I'm not saying that one should be prejudice of people with less money than you. on the contrary. In my current circumstances I am much more like Oscar wilde in his later years...near penniless and constantly struggling to complete my work, than I am like Mr. Darcy... so I'm not speaking of money here. and this is an important distinction. In my defense. It is not about money. it is about honor and manners and class and a good upbringing and an innate ability to discern right from wrong. it is in ones actions, but it is also in their speech and in the way they carry themselves.... to live with the highest ideals and morals and manners and class regardless of ones current lot in life. if I gained anything of benefit from my insane upbringing it was this.
This is one of the reasons why I love Princess Little Tree so much I think. it is easy to be around her. There is a comfort there for both of us that makes it very easy. she is beauty and class personified. there is no compromising for me when I am with her. I do not have to worry about how she dresses or carries herself in public. I do not have to concern myself with what she will say to me in private or in public. She is perfect in this regard.
[at the Grammy's the other night, this girl says something to me like ‘what can I say? I just like cock.’ And perhaps in this day and age, with sex and the city and MTV and just the way things are in America... maybe that's normal... but my body kind of went into shock... I felt very uncomfortable... I excused myself and told her I was going downstairs to get some cookies from this tea bar they had set up.... and I never returned... I know most of my friends would have jumped at that... but I couldn’t. what do you do in that situation? I can hear the Ferret and Bas and Tortoise screaming at me now, “what do you do? what are you crazy man?! You give her your cock! That's what you do!’ But I just had to get the hell out of there.]
Cleopatra was the same way as Princess Little Tree. Just the way she walked... it was a real thing of grace and beauty. for all of her insanity... this was one of the things that attracted me so to her. I would say looking back that that was probably a weakness to a certain degree on my part. We stayed at that party too long the two of us. that's for sure. Never should have gone on for as long as we did in our affair. But I believe we clung to each other for many reasons, the least of which not being that we both came from a certain place in society that our own generation and our parent’s generation did not.... and we longed to get back to it as soon as possible.
Cleopatra reminded me so much of my grandmother. The way she walked, spoke, and held herself. Just watching her hold her silverware and eat... it was art and beauty. You cannot buy that. it is something in the blood. And I suppose in the way one is raised as well.
America is funny in that. in how fortunes are made and lost. In how Cleopatra’s maternal line is French royalty but after the French revolution, all that went out the window rather quickly. It meant shit. and within a few generations certainly all of the honor and almost all of the money was gone. And here she was just living a normal everyday middle class existence like everyone else here in the states. and so were her parents. and yet normal everyday common people amass huge fortunes in America and become the new royalty... that's capitalism... that's America. But you can see breeding still even when one does not have money... as in Cleopatra’s family.
There is something to be said in that. and you can go to a fancy black tie affair and meet people who are as rich as sin and you can tell within two minutes of speaking to them how and when they acquired their wealth. No, I take that back... not saying this right... again, its not about the money... what I mean is that they can be every bit as rich as anyone in the world has ever been, but still uphold themselves in a manner that is not befitting the class that they circle in... I think what I am understanding is that it isn't about money but about class. And again, that is not something that can be bought.
I certainly cannot say that I am a very good example of this. I spent much of my youth rebelling against the strict upbringing and all the pompous and empty pretension I thought that I saw in these elders who wanted so much to be royal and aristocratic again but who in the end were just like everyone else.... I became less than everyone else for quite some time. I became a drinking drugging buffoon for a spell out of sheer rebellion, but luckily it did not last forever. I came out of it.
I have acted like a monster for most of my life. a wild and raving hedonistic lunatic with no sense or manners or concern for propriety or tradition... but I am learning... I am trying. Slowly, I am growing up. one day I am going to become a man. First step, honor money. don't spend in order to show off or deny who you are. accept who you are.
2-17
The Beast is in the hospital again. ten heart operations in the last few years. everyone around him trying to get him to take Avatar. Or anything for that matter. Just do something to go inside and integrate who he is and what he’s done and what has happened to him in his past so he can get behind it. I am convinced that he is sick for no other reason than that he is exploding inside from anger and sadness and regret and resentment. I tell him this. But he refuses to accept it. he pretends he is sick because he is sick. He tries to convince me and himself that the past is not affecting him, that it does not affect people. he makes fun of people who go through therapy or self development courses trying to make themselves better people. he mimics them and mocks them and yet he is one of the most outwardly miserable and unhappy and unhealthy persons I have ever known.
Mom tells me to call him now that he is out of surgery and try to encourage him to explore the possibilities of taking Avatar or anything else that might bring out of his fatalism and cynicism... ‘I've already spent countless hours trying to explain the benefits of processing and working through that stuff mom. I'm sick of it. I don't know what else I can say to him.’ ‘well some people take longer than others honey. Just try with him again...’ ‘I've spent too many hours trying already. If he wants to stay sick and unhealthy and die miserable and in regret then that's what he's going to get. I can’t spend any more time trying to convince him that true happiness is possible...’ ‘that's a terrible thing to say Fishy.’ ‘I know. I'm sure I don't mean it. at least not entirely.’ and its true.
I called him not three days ago out of the blue just to thank him for being such a good father to me, even though he is my uncle. But he was always there for me as a father. Since I never knew my own father. Always there for me. since I can remember. With money. with kind and encouraging words. always very supportive. All the more ironic since he wasn't able to be that to his own children... what is that? that absentee father syndrome that so many men seem to get... but I do love the beast. Very much. He breaks my fucking heart. still carrying the torch of how abusive his upbringing was after all these years. I'll tell you, there is nothing more disturbing and damaging than growing up in an Italian household with a tyrant Italian father or grandfather. Shit. I don't even think it has anything to do with being Italian... I just think some men are fucking bastards and they can ruin a whole generation by their actions... my grandfather almost got to me and Beaver too but we managed to make it out alive and relatively sane. But it took me years of processing to get clear again. [getting clear comes from scientology. Think John Travolta or tom cruise. They call it ‘getting clear.’ in Avatar they call it ‘becoming source again.’ in other spiritual practices they call it ‘becoming enlightened.’ Christians call it ‘being born again.’ In more secular psychology circles they call it ‘getting healthy.’ Anthony Robbins calls it ‘living the life of your dreams.’ Whatever you call it, its all the same thing. letting go of the past. Getting back to the here-now. living the life you were meant to live. being happy again. that's what it comes down to. going back to how we were when we were first born... before life on earth ripped our souls apart and made us afraid to just be who we were.]
All I know is I will never do that to my kids. I will never be that kind of man.
2-16-05
I finally finished watching la dolce vita. Two weeks and five attempts later.... I watch fellini less as a moviegoer and more as a student or artist in resident I think. Less for entertainment and more for learning. It’s a study for me I've come to realize. La Principesa asked me once, ‘why do you watch his movies if you don't enjoy them so much? eventually don't you just want to turn them off?’ this comment of hers did in fact make me turn it off for a few days, and inspired me into a deep contemplation as to why I felt so compelled to sit and study fellini all these years when it was true, in fact, I didn't find great pleasure as a moviegoer when watching his movies... why couldn’t I just put the DVD back in its sleeve and send it back? why finish it? But as if a habit... I just continued to study the film more over the last few weeks. watching little bits here and there... and I came to a deeper understanding of what was at play, for me at least. Just for me.... for me I have come to understand that its all about the art... I think of the Simpson's... so many of my friends loved the Simpson's... its not like I didn't get the Simpson's... but I just didn't get why anyone would want to watch it... but they love it. and they love it because it is entertainment to them... and to me I just had this realization that its never had anything to do with entertainment to me... I never got into entertainment... that's why I never got into sitting around playing video games with all my friends... or the latest Hollywood blockbusters...
but it has always been about art... so I laugh at the Simpson's like anyone else... its true. I've seen it once or twice --- I dare admit it, but it makes my stomach hurt... watching stuff like that... how do you describe it? low art? Versus high art? Or entertainment versus art? And really who’s to say. Perhaps the Simpson's is high art and la dolce vita is low art? That last scene certainly was.... so yes there we are... I feel a rush now in my chest at this new realization. Wow. I have always felt guilty for this. for being such an outcast and not liking or partaking in the enjoyment of popular cultural phenoms like the Simpson's or south park or sex and the city and all the other pedestrian stuff that flows in and out of human consciousness so successfully but seems to pass me by completely... has always made me feel like an outcast... like ‘c'mon Fishy why do you have to be so stuck up? this shit is sooooo funny...’ But like I said, stuff like that has always made my stomach hurt, made me feel guilty if I sat too long to experience it, for more than a few minutes and I start feeling anxiety inside as an artist... I start getting this panicky scared feeling that I am not being true to my bigger calling... crazy thing to feel I know. not even easy to write... but that's just the way its always been for me... whenever I spend time watching stuff like that... always made me scared as an artist – terrified inside, quietly, just to myself... a subtle slowly growing panic that I wasn't working hard enough or smart enough in that moment...
as an artist you are always keenly aware under the surface how little time we have here to make our statements... to achieve as much as we want to and long too... I think of Wes Anderson and his four films and then I compare it to how many albums I've made. or woody Allen or fellini... its sick and twisted and silly but I think we all do it... this constant state of anxiety that we aren't completing enough fast enough... for me its still a money thing... its not a prolific thing... just always a lack of resources and money to record as much as I want to... but it does feel like a race against time... because you are always thinking about how time is going by so quickly... and comparing yourself to other artists throughout history... and yes, that's it.... I don't necessarily only compare myself to other singers or musicians... as I think a lot of musicians do.... but just artists in general... fellini Picasso Davinci Caetano... its all the same thing... just artists doing their thing... Fellini. His works are grand that's for sure, if not wildly entertaining compared to what's been created more recently. But you just cannot fathom the immensity of a work like la dolce vita. 3 hours. 8 separate scenes peaking to a crisis during the evening and ending at dawn.., all interwoven so seamlessly that you don't even realize at first what it is you are seeing... a grand work... again, it’s a painting or a great album... but just done with film.
Dear Fishy, just to let you know, as a sign of the times, 94.9 Zeta is gone. It has been replaced by Mega 94, a latin dance/pop/hiphop station. So in South Florida, there is now officially no rock station at all.
Zeke
So its official. South Florida has no fucking rock radio. Two counties and what? twenty cities or more without rock radio. I left at the right time. that's for sure.
2-15-05?
-----Original Message-----
From: julia Sent: Mon 2/15/2005 11:29 PM
To: fishy
Cc:
Subject: Re: what it is
Dearest Fishy,
hahahahahaha! well goodness. here is this beautiful scroll awaiting after my so burbling baboon conversation with assyra. man! i had had a THICK day at school as had she, and we spoke briefly tonight about the Matter of Fishy. funny but i found myself being very protective of you. i think she wanted to hear portrait of the artist as a young man type stories but all i could convey to her was the general and profound universal awkwardness of junior high school, and the unnerving intensity of your curiosity and gaze even in one so young. we have spoken of this, you and i. i told her a little about the unnamed chorus teacher-- a bit about the Shattered gig where we ran into each other. nothing much though....
"um. wow. Fishy. yes..." Assyra is probably thinking, jesus, who let this hippie have a cell phone??? who knows what she'll do with my beige phrasing. perfect for rolling stone. hahahahahahaha she is cool though. i just couldn't get JOURNALIST out of my head and so it was difficult to feel fluid.
She wanted to know if your path so to speak was apparent as far back as jr high. i told her that you are the most intensely-fearlessly-curious person I've ever met. that you examine things like a child would, from all angles, unafraid to act on your foibles or your passions and that you are honest about both of those. that you are no saint, more like a wizard. I told her that you have a good mom, and have been blessed with some good elders along the way. i hope she does you justice Fishy. if not, she will be out here in a month and i will have to sort it out with her somehow. unleash the MOM, whap. so, things..............
Oh my god the grammy party sounded like a fucking riot!! "girls! doing things! TO me!! hee hee! back off girls this scarf is HANDMADE. okay, you can touch me there though..." but god, sheer exhilaration.
athena was by me on the stairs when i was listening to your message and she says, who is that? --it's rock star Fishy honey.--- is he okay?--- oh yes, he's at a rock star party... i could see her filing the feeling away for later. she wants to be president. which eventually will be something like being a rock star eh? so good on you Fishy -- sounds like your proprioception was accurate and you inhabited your space with utmost joy and good humor. fucking rad. i am glad the scarf served. i am HONORED that you called me to tell me about the experience. truth, this.
about the tony robbins tapes--- i love them-- the only thing that makes me uneasy is the subliminals. i am feeling a huge resistance to undergoing that part of the process. read:TRUST ISSUE. i am fairly protective of my mind and what goes in it ---especially images because they are incredibly effective for me and tend to stick viscerally---invade my dream spaces too--- the thought of subliminal looping feels weird. any thoughts regarding this? what is your experience with this part of the program?
I still love soccer legs though.
thank you for the messages, and the priceless trust.
much and more--
cheers---julia
Dear Jules,
1. I do not know about the subliminals... maybe something new he added. I feel the same as you do... do disregard it if you wish... subliminal always freaks me out a bit... enough sub-conscious shit coming in to process... no need to deliberately add more... 2. thanks for Assyra... I'm sure it will be fine... you should have told her how I chased you all the way to Oregon... classic... actually I think I sort of told her... don't know if I told her the whole thing... may have just mentioned it. what a crazy boy indeed. 3. you are such a good writer!!!! wow. I always walk away after reading you like I just saw a movie or something... so powerful and deep and dramatic... your brain will be a hard one to compete with, now that it has sucked me in... I wonder if I will meet another girl who will have a brain as ..... as yours is. it has certainly set a good archetype...
4. yes soccer legs are sexy... I hear ya on that one. its those little shorts they wear, and those muscles... I wonder what it would be like to get wildly made love to by a shaggy haired beer guzzling soccer player.... probably great until after he was done and wanted to run off and play with his friends... after guys orgasm, guys always want to jump up and go do something... use those endorphins pumping through the brain... girls shouldn’t take it personally... it just means we're happy. 5. who let this hippie have a cell phone? = LOL!!! 6. athena as president... wow. Tell her I said hello. I will take her to great parties when she is older... we will party like rock stars and presidents do.
o.k. enough of my drivel
Much and more... I love that. enjoy your day.
Love Fishy
Important black people:
olanda equiana
venture smith
phylis wheatley
richard allan – 1 of the 1st preachers
harriet jacobs
harriet tubman
nat turner
david walker
frederic douglas
william loyd garrison – white newspaper man who fought hard for the abolition of slavery and actually burned the constitution publicly because at that time it actually contained owning slaves as an inalienable right of white men, so that makes him black in my book.
danherfield newby
john brown – white, but fought hard and lost his life to try to help free the slaves.
600'000 men died in the American civil